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Lilith
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 Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:23 am Post subject: Eden's Call - Ch.11: The Balance of Power |
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So, I was hunting through my random collection of notebooks this morning.. and I found this in one of them, handwritten in pencil. Let's see if I can do this again, and of course, what you make of it. 
Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Prologue: The War Begins
The late July sun beat down on the cherry red hood of the 1999 Chrysler Sebring convertible as the woman behind the wheel pushed the gas pedal to the floor. One tanned arm hung out over the driver’s side door and occasionally a strand of inky black hair escaped the confines of the long braid down the woman’s back and fluttered in the wind. The road was empty with the exception of the red car and faded lines marking the center of the asphalt. Loud rock music blared from the speakers as the Sebring ate mile after mile in what seemed to be seconds, and the driver’s mauve-painted lips parted slightly as she sang under her breath with the band on the radio. Hours passed and the sun was barely peeking over the horizon by the time the car pulled into the parking lot of a motel along the highway. It was a little run down, not having gotten many customers in the past few years, but livable and pest-free.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s, can I interest you in our special? One week, which is seven nights and days for only one ninety-nine ninety-five? A complimentary breakfast is included!” The girl behind the counter popped her gum after her greeting speech, keeping a wide smile plastered on her face as she watched the dark haired woman approach the desk. Storm grey eyes peered at the girl acting as receptionist, seeming to bore into the perky blue eyes, and forcing the girl to stop popping her gum so obnoxiously.
“No.” The dark haired woman responded finally, her storm grey eyes now fixing on the sign showing the motel’s normal rates before digging in the handbag hanging off of her shoulder and pulling out two very crumpled twenty dollar bills. “I’ll just be here the one night.” She offered the bills to the girl, whose smile faltered briefly as she took the money from the woman slowly, and even swallowed her gum in nervousness, pulling out a nickel to give the woman in change and placing it in her palm.
“Well, Ma’am, my name’s Sasha should you need anything, give me a call here and I’ll be happy to take care of you.” She said uncertainly as she pulled out a key and handed it, tag and all, to the woman. “You’ll be in room nineteen down at the end of the hall.” Sasha tried for another smile, and received a piercing gaze in return before the woman strode down the hall and entered her room. After that, the receptionist collapsed into her chair with a grimace and looked wildly around at her desk in dismay, wondering what, not who, had just entered the motel.
***
The dark haired woman flung her ball cap across the room as soon as she’d closed the door and locked it behind herself, fury flaring in those grey eyes of hers as she stormed in the bathroom and tore the band from her hair that kept the braid in place, urgently running her fingers through it to get the braid out and then stepping out of her jeans and underwear, and almost just as urgently, wriggling out of her white tank top to step in the shower and turn it on full blast cold. As the icy water beat down on her skin, she heaved a great sigh and broke down in tears, her sobs silent but wracking through her chest and body hard.
Eventually, she pulled her body out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, her dark, medium length hair still dripping with cold water. There was a Celtic knot tattooed on her left shoulder blade, but in the shape of a heart, the black ink looking just as new as the day it was put in her olive skin. But not many knew that no needle had ever touched her skin. That wasn’t a tattoo; it was actually a brand, and an old one. She padded to the double bed and fell on her back into it with a groan, turning on her side and burying her face into the clean linen covered pillow, her face now tear-free. She pulled the towel around her body tightly and fell into a fevered slumber, her sobs having been quieted before she left the bathroom, her dark, damp hair splayed out on the pillow behind her.
When she woke, night had truly fallen, the moon high in the sky, bright and full, hung in the sky amongst the stars. Slowly, the woman sat up and gazed out of the window briefly before returning to the bathroom and picking up her clothing and re-dressing. As she adjusted her shirt in the mirror and was just running her fingers through her dark hair, which was now very curly from air-drying on the pillow, she heard the unmistakable sound of breaking glass coming from the bedroom.
Instantly, her senses were on alert and her heart raced. They’ve found me. Finally. A sardonic smile twisted her otherwise pretty face into one of purpose as she reached for the doorknob and wrenched it open, meeting the black and red robed figures in her room head-on.
The first came at her at a speed that was almost unreal, and she responded in kind, one sharp jab to his windpipe putting him down within seconds, choking without air. The rest stiffened and became even more guarded as they moved closer together and the one white robe amongst them stepped forward and spoke in a woman’s voice. “Guardian Catarínn! You have failed your responsibility to protect your charge and then you did not return to the court to report the death of him. You are thus charged with betraying the Order of Eden to our enemies and murder of your charge. You will now come with us and be stripped of your brand, your honor and your life!” The voice rang out with power despite the volume being just above a whisper. It seemed to sap the strength from Catarínn’s bones and she slowly fell to her knees, a burning sensation emanating from the brand on her left shoulder blade.
Quickly, the red and black robed figures moved forward to chain and shackle the woman still so she could do nothing but stand and walk when she got up from the floor. But before she did that however, the white robed figure knelt down to be eye level with Catarínn. The white hood fell back and revealed a woman who looked almost identical to the dark haired woman before her. “Catarínn, my sister, why did you kill him? Why did you kill Lucas?” She whispered, her own storm grey eyes filling with tears.
Catarínn leaned back, panting heavily from the struggle against the brand’s power but failing and stared into her twin’s eyes, willing her to see the truth in her words. “I did not kill our brother, Marianne. Please believe me! I did fail to protect him, yes, but I did not kill him. I didn’t return because I could not live with the shame of failing our little brother!” She gasped, almost in terror, begging her twin to hear the truth in her words, even as Marianne stood up. “Mari!”
The white-robed twin of the woman fixed Catarínn with a dark look. “I believe you. But you did abandon the Order. I have to uphold our laws. You will be named a coward and burn before the Council.” Catarínn stood as the red and black robed people stood and tugged on her bonds to bring her up too, holding back more sobs. “Wait,” Marianne added, turning to look at her twin again straight in the eyes. “I might be able to get a reprieve for your sentence, and just imprisonment for the rest of your eternal life.” Then she turned and looked at the robed people who weren’t holding her sister in bonds. “Go, Mark the girl. She will come to us in ten years time.”
The order was obeyed immediately and then Marianne, Catarinn and her captors disappeared into vapor, as if they’d just evaporated into the warm night air, amidst the scream of Sasha in her room she slept in when a brand was set on her upper arm in her sleep. When the brunette girl sat up and looked around, she saw nothing and no one in her room, but the brand was there, fresh, black and unmistakably Marking the child, just as Catarinn was Marked.
You'll get a full Chapter with a DP in a few days I think. I'll let this idea stew and see how it goes over first though. ^_^ Please comment.
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:18 pm; edited 30 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:32 am Post subject: |
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This is a fab beginning, my friend! I'm intrigued to discover who will end up taking the main leading roll between Catarinn and Sasha as the story progresses. The prologue kinda leaves it open to be either one, or both of them. Looking forward to finding out!
Also am very much looking forward to discovering the circumstances in which their brother was killed, and why they thought that Catarinn herself did it. Are they not aware of any enemies that they have, I wonder? It poses many questions in the readers mind, that makes one want to read more.
Hopefully won't have to wait too long for chapter 1! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:32 am Post subject: |
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| i REALLY like this Lil!! very intriguing right from the beginning! can't wait to see more!
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Lilith
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Lost Omega
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| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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I'm excited to read Chapter 1! This is very interesting. Who's the real one? Is the character bipolar? Have I been watching too many Lifetime movies? Maybe. Either way, I can't wait!
_________________
Never meddle in the affairs of dragons as you are crunchy and go well with ketchup.
Check out my SG, Freedom's Call! Chapter 4 - Part 2 is up NOW! In Skiffiville!
What can you do if you live in a shoe but you ain't got no sole?
Have you seen my ninja? He's around here somewhere... Qk
I've got eggs!   
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Lilith
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:13 am Post subject: Re: Eden's Call - Prologue UP! |
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This is a wonderful beginning!!! I can't wait to read more. Here are some specific comments:
| Lilith wrote: |
The late July sun beat down on the cherry red hood of the 1999 Chrysler Sebring convertible as the woman behind the wheel pushed the gas pedal to the floor. One tanned arm hung out over the driver’s side door and occasionally a strand of inky black hair escaped the confines of the long braid down the woman’s back and fluttered in the wind. The road was empty with the exception of the red car and faded lines marking the center of the asphalt. Loud rock music blared from the speakers as the Sebring ate mile after mile in what seemed to be seconds, and the driver’s mauve-painted lips parted slightly as she sang under her breath with the band on the radio. Hours passed and the sun was barely peeking over the horizon by the time the car pulled into the parking lot of a motel along the highway. It was a little run down, not having gotten many customers in the past few years, but livable and pest-free. |
I love this description! "Inky", the sense of lonesomeness, the sense that she's content with being alone with just the radio and the lines of the road.
| Lilith wrote: |
Storm grey eyes peered at the girl acting as receptionist, seeming to bore into the perky blue eyes, and forcing the girl to stop popping her gum so obnoxiously. |
I got a nice sense that she really was a person who you didn't mess with and also who was a bit scary. I would definitely love to see this in more detail though- i.e., described second by second. I feel that would be the best impact.
| Lilith wrote: |
The dark haired woman flung her ball cap across the room as soon as she’d closed the door and locked it behind herself, fury flaring in those grey eyes of hers as she stormed in the bathroom and tore the band from her hair that kept the braid in place, urgently running her fingers through it to get the braid out and then stepping out of her jeans and underwear, and almost just as urgently, wriggling out of her white tank top to step in the shower and turn it on full blast cold. As the icy water beat down on her skin, she heaved a great sigh and broke down in tears, her sobs silent but wracking through her chest and body hard. |
This touched me deeply, after my initial surprise. Which I am sure that you have intended...I love it!!! I really felt like, aw oh no, what happened?
BTW I am inspired by the link to the Celtic knot you included. What a great way to add visual and interactivity to a story!
| Lilith wrote: |
Eventually, she pulled her body out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, her dark, medium length hair still dripping with cold water. There was a Celtic knot tattooed on her left shoulder blade, but in the shape of a heart, the black ink looking just as new as the day it was put in her olive skin. But not many knew that no needle had ever touched her skin. That wasn’t a tattoo; it was actually a brand, and an old one. She padded to the double bed and fell on her back into it with a groan, turning on her side and burying her face into the clean linen covered pillow, her face now tear-free. She pulled the towel around her body tightly and fell into a fevered slumber, her sobs having been quieted before she left the bathroom, her dark, damp hair splayed out on the pillow behind her.
When she woke, night had truly fallen, the moon high in the sky, bright and full, hung in the sky amongst the stars. Slowly, the woman sat up and gazed out of the window briefly before returning to the bathroom and picking up her clothing and re-dressing. As she adjusted her shirt in the mirror and was just running her fingers through her dark hair, which was now very curly from air-drying on the pillow, she heard the unmistakable sound of breaking glass coming from the bedroom.
Instantly, her senses were on alert and her heart raced. They’ve found me. Finally. A sardonic smile twisted her otherwise pretty face into one of purpose as she reached for the doorknob and wrenched it open, meeting the black and red robed figures in her room head-on.
The first came at her at a speed that was almost unreal, and she responded in kind, one sharp jab to his windpipe putting him down within seconds, choking without air. The rest stiffened and became even more guarded as they moved closer together and the one white robe amongst them stepped forward and spoke in a woman’s voice. “Guardian Catarínn! You have failed your responsibility to protect your charge and then you did not return to the court to report the death of him. You are thus charged with betraying the Order of Eden to our enemies and murder of your charge. You will now come with us and be stripped of your brand, your honor and your life!” The voice rang out with power despite the volume being just above a whisper. It seemed to sap the strength from Catarínn’s bones and she slowly fell to her knees, a burning sensation emanating from the brand on her left shoulder blade.
Quickly, the red and black robed figures moved forward to chain and shackle the woman still so she could do nothing but stand and walk when she got up from the floor. But before she did that however, the white robed figure knelt down to be eye level with Catarínn. The white hood fell back and revealed a woman who looked almost identical to the dark haired woman before her. “Catarínn, my sister, why did you kill him? Why did you kill Lucas?” She whispered, her own storm grey eyes filling with tears.
Catarínn leaned back, panting heavily from the struggle against the brand’s power but failing and stared into her twin’s eyes, willing her to see the truth in her words. “I did not kill our brother, Marianne. Please believe me! I did fail to protect him, yes, but I did not kill him. I didn’t return because I could not live with the shame of failing our little brother!” She gasped, almost in terror, begging her twin to hear the truth in her words, even as Marianne stood up. “Mari!”
The white-robed twin of the woman fixed Catarínn with a dark look. “I believe you. But you did abandon the Order. I have to uphold our laws. You will be named a coward and burn before the Council.” Catarínn stood as the red and black robed people stood and tugged on her bonds to bring her up too, holding back more sobs. “Wait,” Marianne added, turning to look at her twin again straight in the eyes. “I might be able to get a reprieve for your sentence, and just imprisonment for the rest of your eternal life.” Then she turned and looked at the robed people who weren’t holding her sister in bonds. “Go, Mark the girl. She will come to us in ten years time.”
The order was obeyed immediately and then Marianne, Catarinn and her captors disappeared into vapor, as if they’d just evaporated into the warm night air, amidst the scream of Sasha in her room she slept in when a brand was set on her upper arm in her sleep. When the brunette girl sat up and looked around, she saw nothing and no one in her room, but the brand was there, fresh, black and unmistakably Marking the child, just as Catarinn was Marked. |
Perfectly fast-paced, smoothly transitioned and written story! I concur with Tikanni; I cannot wait to hear more! And I feel relieved that I'm not the only one who likes to throw up a prologue in essentially draft form, haha.
Can't wait to read more of this- bookmarked!!!!
_________________
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The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:13 am Post subject: |
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Yay!!! Whenever you're done, no rush, you definitely know I'll pounce on it!!
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The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:50 pm Post subject: Chapter 1: Ten Years Later - Now Playing! Comment please! |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 1: Ten Years Later
Sasha woke with a start when her alarm went off and reached over, grumbling, to smack it several times before it shut off, and she could stumble into the bathroom. She’d stayed over the weekend at the small motel her parents owned in the middle of nowhere, but now she had to get up and get ready so she could have a meeting with the bank loan officer that was coming in to see if the place was worth an SBA Loan to get them back on their feet. Ten years since the break-in and the disappearance of an odd female customer, that break-in hadn’t given Burkhart’s motel a very good reputation.
She groaned as she saw that her cat was lying on her gray pencil skirt she’d been planning to wear to the interview with the loan officer. “Damn it, Cory, c’mon, give it back…” She batted the black and white male cat off her skirt and he leapt away, and then spun around in a circle to chase his tail. “Silly kitty.” She added with a smile, reaching over and rubbing his ears before running into the bathroom, and disrobing to clean up quickly and then get dressed.
From there, her morning turned to be bad. The faucet broke off into her palm when she tried to turn it off, so she had to get out, naked, and dig in the toolbox she kept under the bathroom sink, and start bashing away at it with a set of pliers before the cold water turned off. She ran her forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat beaded on her brow, and then remembered she was naked and hadn’t done a thing with her hair. Then one of her perfect little black heels broke and Sasha had to dig out a pair of flats with a grumble to go with her skirt, which thankfully, still fit. She managed to drop her lipstick twice and the second time, got a swipe of it on her white blouse, so then the woman had to grab her scarlet silk button-up and put that on.
Despite her nightmare of a morning, Sasha was ready in time to be in the sitting room just off of the ‘Welcome!’ area of the motel and glanced out of the window when she heard a car door slam. Immediately she peered outside at her bank contact and took note of his gender, quickly undoing one more button at the top of her blouse and adjusting it so that her black bra wasn’t shown, just yet, but very well could be when she leaned over to pour him a cup of coffee. There was a knock on the door and Sasha stood up, smoothed her skirt and turned the door knob to let the banker in.
He was taller than she was, about a half foot actually, and she was decent five-foot eight-inches with a curvy one-hundred-and-thirty pound frame, and he was fit. She smiled brightly and offered her hand, which he gave two firm shakes before she stepped aside to allow the man inside. “Hello, Ms. Carter, I’m Lucas Henderson, but most people call me Luke.” Briefly, Sasha allowed herself glance-over of Lucas and she could definitely appreciate this guy’s looks. He was broad shouldered, but had managed to wear a tailored blazer and trousers to fit his tall frame, so he probably had them custom-made, which meant he wasn’t too shabby with his funds. Looking up, she could see blue-green eyes that were not too dark, but not too light, and dark hair that was in that almost-messed up style, but was acceptable for the everyday workplace, and in the indescribable length between short and medium. His face was pleasant enough, no protruding forehead or uni-brow, but he wasn’t girly-looking either, plus he had that great smile.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s Mr. Henderson, if you’ll just step in the conference room on the left here, I’ve got a pot of coffee and some pastries if you’re interested in breakfast while I show you the information you asked for.” Sasha smile at him genuinely; there was not much to not like about this man. And then there was the drool factor.
The loan officer raised both eyebrows and nodded as he stepped in the room to sit down and helped himself to a pastry as Sasha followed him in and closed the door behind her, before setting a mug by Lucas so she could pour him a cup. She sat the pot of coffee back down on its heating tray and then pulled over the file folder, thick with documents she’d put together over the past week. However, Sasha did notice ‘Mister Henderson’s’ eyes stray to her cleavage when she leaned over a bit to pour him some coffee, and that made her smile to herself as she set out a spreadsheet before him on the table to show to him.
“If you look here, I’ve put together ten years’ worth of Profit and Loss predictions, as well as the same amount of Cash Flow predictions. Now, I estimated my first few years will be quite profitable as the name change will be in place and everyone will want to try it because it’s new and the critics will be chomping at the bit to see what we have to offer. However… I expect the economy to do a few more dips back down before it’s out of the recession completely, you know, how it has many times over the years since we became a nation, and even after the Great Depression in the 30s. It’s not going to surprise me at all. But, with a little extra advertising in my early years, I’ll make it through no problem, as you can see here...” She pointed at the bottom line of one of her cash flow statements, entitled’2020’. “I’ll even turn a profit if everything goes according to plan with a little extra flexibility of course in case of repairs being needed for the building once I’ve finished renovating it.”
Just as Sasha paused to take a breath, Luke put his coffee mug down and held up both hands to stop her. “Miss Carter, if it’s alright I call you that, I can see that you’ve got plans for this loan and you’ve got by far, the best business plan I’ve seen in some years that you emailed over to me at the beginning of last week. But I want to know a couple of things as well outside of the numbers. Any idiot can pull those numbers at the bank and give you a yes or no.” He paused and watched her face, looking at her very intently, every inch of him radiating seriousness. “What I want to know is… if we say no, and every other bank in the tri-state area says no to you, would you do the logical thing, and knock this building down to sell it to a developing company?”
Then he sat back in his chair and waited. Sasha thought for about two minutes before she frowned and shook her head at him. “I’m sorry, Mister Henderson, but I’m afraid that I will not take the ‘logical’ option, as you call it. I actually refused several developing companies who offered me several sizeable amounts of money, less than what I’m asking you for and they would take this land as is. But I want to succeed at this endeavor, Mister Henderson. And if your bank says no, I will keep working at this until I find one that will.” She gave him a hard look and stood up. “So, if you’d like to return to your comfortable corner office to … do what any idiot at your bank can do, please feel free.” Her voice had become icy and clipped when he offered the possibility of giving the land to developing companies to use.
Both of Lucas Henderson’s eyes widened at the curt voice Sasha had started using and when she was finished and stood up, he couldn’t help but to break out in laughter. “Well done, Miss Carter. Well done. That’s the first loan interview I will pass this year! No one else thinks it wise to stand up for their business endeavor, no matter the cost.” When he saw the startled and confused look on Sasha’s face he cleared his throat and said simply, “You got your loan. The interview process is the biggest part of determining whether or not you did.”
“Oh. Well alright then.” Sasha grinned and slid the box of pastries closer to the loan officer. “Have another pastry. They’re homemade.” She winked at him and then poured herself a cup of coffee, settling back down in her chair to get comfortable. After a few quiet moments of coffee-drinking and chewing of pastries, the dark haired woman glanced over at Luke and smiled again. “So, do you have to go back to work, Mister Henderson?” She asked politely, in a business-like tone.
He grinned in return back to her. “Nope. This was my only interview today because it’s Saturday. I am free the rest of the day. Do you have things you need to be doing in preparation for your loan funds when they come through?” He countered slyly, giving her an obvious once-over with those blue-green eyes of his.
Sasha had opened her mouth with a smirk, ready to give him a coy reply when the sound of smashing glass and splintering wood met their ears. And not too far away. She froze for a minute, ice flooding her veins before she shoved herself from her chair and took off at a jog to investigate. She could hear Luke’s heavy footfalls behind her as she skidded into a hallway where more noises were coming from.
Someone had smashed open the window of the side door that she always kept locked unless there was a fire that endangered her guests. And some oozing black thing was sliding in through the window and the cracks of the now bashed in door. Her eyes went wide with shock and slowly the feeling of fear and swelling dread went from the knot in her stomach to her chest, her lungs seeming to work overtime as her heard thudded in her chest. She could hear Lucas behind her, whispering in her ear, “My god… what is that?”
Sasha shook her head slowly and swallowed back a whimper of fear. She didn’t know what the hell it was, or how to get it to go away. Should she run? Attack it somehow? Whatever she did, she’d better decide soon, as Lucas was tugging on her arm to pull Sasha behind him and murmuring for her to get out of there. It would be too late to get them both out of harms’ way if this… ooze-blob was toxic or poisonous somehow.
Your DP: What’s a girl to do?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Thu Sep 08, 2011 3:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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ima say...RUN. we have no idea what this thing is or what it's capable of. until we know that, get the heck out of Dodge!
loving it!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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So for now, it's Sasha taking the leading role. Loving it! 
Really loved the chapter, Lil! Especially that sudden change in the plot at the end. One minute it's all casual flirting, small talk and coffee...then breaking glass, a touch more exciting...then a nameless, shapeless, black blob is writhing around on the floor in front of them!!! Completely unexpected, and completely made me go 'WHAT?!' though in a good way, you understand. Was brilliant!
For the dp...yes it would be smart to run...yet I can't seem to find it in me to say to do it. I want to see what happens! I want to know what it is, what it's going to do...who it's going to do it to! I say just back up away from it a bit, but keep it in view. I think it would be beneficial for them to know what they're up against too.
Can't wait for more, Lil! Keep up the good work!
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 3:29 am Post subject: Re: Chapter 1: Ten Years Later - Now Playing! Comment please |
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| Lilith wrote: | Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 1: Ten Years Later
Sasha woke with a start when her alarm went off and reached over, grumbling, to smack it several times before it shut off, and she could stumble into the bathroom. She’d stayed over the weekend at the small motel her parents owned in the middle of nowhere, but now she had to get up and get ready so she could have a meeting with the bank loan officer that was coming in to see if the place was worth an SBA Loan to get them back on their feet. Ten years since the break-in and the disappearance of an odd female customer, that break-in hadn’t given Burkhart’s motel a very good reputation.
She groaned as she saw that her cat was lying on her gray pencil skirt she’d been planning to wear to the interview with the loan officer. “Damn it, Cory, c’mon, give it back…” She batted the black and white male cat off her skirt and he leapt away, and then spun around in a circle to chase his tail. “Silly kitty.” She added with a smile, reaching over and rubbing his ears before running into the bathroom, and disrobing to clean up quickly and then get dressed.
From there, her morning turned to be bad. The faucet broke off into her palm when she tried to turn it off, so she had to get out, naked, and dig in the toolbox she kept under the bathroom sink, and start bashing away at it with a set of pliers before the cold water turned off. She ran her forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat beaded on her brow, and then remembered she was naked and hadn’t done a thing with her hair. Then one of her perfect little black heels broke and Sasha had to dig out a pair of flats with a grumble to go with her skirt, which thankfully, still fit. She managed to drop her lipstick twice and the second time, got a swipe of it on her white blouse, so then the woman had to grab her scarlet silk button-up and put that on. |
I love the detail! Also makes me think- uh oh is something going to go wrong?
| Lilith wrote: |
Despite her nightmare of a morning, Sasha was ready in time to be in the sitting room just off of the ‘Welcome!’ area of the motel and glanced out of the window when she heard a car door slam. Immediately she peered outside at her bank contact and took note of his gender, quickly undoing one more button at the top of her blouse and adjusting it so that her black bra wasn’t shown, just yet, but very well could be when she leaned over to pour him a cup of coffee. There was a knock on the door and Sasha stood up, smoothed her skirt and turned the door knob to let the banker in.
He was taller than she was, about a half foot actually, and she was decent five-foot eight-inches with a curvy one-hundred-and-thirty pound frame, and he was fit. She smiled brightly and offered her hand, which he gave two firm shakes before she stepped aside to allow the man inside. “Hello, Ms. Carter, I’m Lucas Henderson, but most people call me Luke.” Briefly, Sasha allowed herself glance-over of Lucas and she could definitely appreciate this guy’s looks. He was broad shouldered, but had managed to wear a tailored blazer and trousers to fit his tall frame, so he probably had them custom-made, which meant he wasn’t too shabby with his funds. Looking up, she could see blue-green eyes that were not too dark, but not too light, and dark hair that was in that almost-messed up style, but was acceptable for the everyday workplace, and in the indescribable length between short and medium. His face was pleasant enough, no protruding forehead or uni-brow, but he wasn’t girly-looking either, plus he had that great smile.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s Mr. Henderson, if you’ll just step in the conference room on the left here, I’ve got a pot of coffee and some pastries if you’re interested in breakfast while I show you the information you asked for.” Sasha smile at him genuinely; there was not much to not like about this man. And then there was the drool factor. |
The sentences the dialogue about her not liking the man surprise me as two paragraphs were devoted to appreciating the man. If you're trying to pull off the idea that she's attracted, but trying not to be attracted, try to add a little more detail about her efforts to shut her female response in the paragraph above her speech.
| Lilith wrote: |
The loan officer raised both eyebrows and nodded as he stepped in the room to sit down and helped himself to a pastry as Sasha followed him in and closed the door behind her, before setting a mug by Lucas so she could pour him a cup. She sat the pot of coffee back down on its heating tray and then pulled over the file folder, thick with documents she’d put together over the past week. However, Sasha did notice ‘Mister Henderson’s’ eyes stray to her cleavage when she leaned over a bit to pour him some coffee, and that made her smile to herself as she set out a spreadsheet before him on the table to show to him.
“If you look here, I’ve put together ten years’ worth of Profit and Loss predictions, as well as the same amount of Cash Flow predictions. Now, I estimated my first few years will be quite profitable as the name change will be in place and everyone will want to try it because it’s new and the critics will be chomping at the bit to see what we have to offer. However… I expect the economy to do a few more dips back down before it’s out of the recession completely, you know, how it has many times over the years since we became a nation, and even after the Great Depression in the 30s. It’s not going to surprise me at all. But, with a little extra advertising in my early years, I’ll make it through no problem, as you can see here...” She pointed at the bottom line of one of her cash flow statements, entitled’2020’. “I’ll even turn a profit if everything goes according to plan with a little extra flexibility of course in case of repairs being needed for the building once I’ve finished renovating it.”
Just as Sasha paused to take a breath, Luke put his coffee mug down and held up both hands to stop her. “Miss Carter, if it’s alright I call you that, I can see that you’ve got plans for this loan and you’ve got by far, the best business plan I’ve seen in some years that you emailed over to me at the beginning of last week. But I want to know a couple of things as well outside of the numbers. Any idiot can pull those numbers at the bank and give you a yes or no.” He paused and watched her face, looking at her very intently, every inch of him radiating seriousness. “What I want to know is… if we say no, and every other bank in the tri-state area says no to you, would you do the logical thing, and knock this building down to sell it to a developing company?”
Then he sat back in his chair and waited. Sasha thought for about two minutes before she frowned and shook her head at him. “I’m sorry, Mister Henderson, but I’m afraid that I will not take the ‘logical’ option, as you call it. I actually refused several developing companies who offered me several sizeable amounts of money, less than what I’m asking you for and they would take this land as is. But I want to succeed at this endeavor, Mister Henderson. And if your bank says no, I will keep working at this until I find one that will.” She gave him a hard look and stood up. “So, if you’d like to return to your comfortable corner office to … do what any idiot at your bank can do, please feel free.” Her voice had become icy and clipped when he offered the possibility of giving the land to developing companies to use. |
Love it here! Good development.
| Lilith wrote: |
Both of Lucas Henderson’s eyes widened at the curt voice Sasha had started using and when she was finished and stood up, he couldn’t help but to break out in laughter. “Well done, Miss Carter. Well done. That’s the first loan interview I will pass this year! No one else thinks it wise to stand up for their business endeavor, no matter the cost.” When he saw the startled and confused look on Sasha’s face he cleared his throat and said simply, “You got your loan. The interview process is the biggest part of determining whether or not you did.”
“Oh. Well alright then.” Sasha grinned and slid the box of pastries closer to the loan officer. “Have another pastry. They’re homemade.” She winked at him and then poured herself a cup of coffee, settling back down in her chair to get comfortable. After a few quiet moments of coffee-drinking and chewing of pastries, the dark haired woman glanced over at Luke and smiled again. “So, do you have to go back to work, Mister Henderson?” She asked politely, in a business-like tone.
He grinned in return back to her. “Nope. This was my only interview today because it’s Saturday. I am free the rest of the day. Do you have things you need to be doing in preparation for your loan funds when they come through?” He countered slyly, giving her an obvious once-over with those blue-green eyes of his.
Sasha had opened her mouth with a smirk, ready to give him a coy reply when the sound of smashing glass and splintering wood met their ears. And not too far away. She froze for a minute, ice flooding her veins before she shoved herself from her chair and took off at a jog to investigate. She could hear Luke’s heavy footfalls behind her as she skidded into a hallway where more noises were coming from.
Someone had smashed open the window of the side door that she always kept locked unless there was a fire that endangered her guests. And some oozing black thing was sliding in through the window and the cracks of the now bashed in door. Her eyes went wide with shock and slowly the feeling of fear and swelling dread went from the knot in her stomach to her chest, her lungs seeming to work overtime as her heard thudded in her chest. She could hear Lucas behind her, whispering in her ear, “My god… what is that?”
Sasha shook her head slowly and swallowed back a whimper of fear. She didn’t know what the hell it was, or how to get it to go away. Should she run? Attack it somehow? Whatever she did, she’d better decide soon, as Lucas was tugging on her arm to pull Sasha behind him and murmuring for her to get out of there. It would be too late to get them both out of harms’ way if this… ooze-blob was toxic or poisonous somehow.
Your DP: What’s a girl to do? |
The smash was excellent to interrupt.
My DP- Her powers come forth to protect this banker! She will surprise the both of them
@Tika- Hey=D *waves*....hope you get your internet back up soon!
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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| she said there "was not much to not like" meaning that there was nothing to dislike. she likes him. lol!
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Andolyn wrote: | | she said there "was not much to not like" meaning that there was nothing to dislike. she likes him. lol! |
Oh okay lol. Well if I made that mistake, others may also. @Lilith That part should be revised then, a double negative can be misread. Also elaborating on the "drool factor" would be good.
I'm not trying to be mean here. Anyone of you would have critiqued my stories the same way:P
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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i'm not being mean either...but if you're going to make a critique that's so nit-picky, make sure you're right first, ok?
i happen to love the double negative approach. it's different & forces the reader to pay attention. i miss it sometimes then go back and read it again when it doesnt "add up". when i do miss it the first time, it's my own fault for reading too fast.
these are the types of critiques i dont like ((and dont give myself)). opinions stated as what should definitely be. how you feel about it might not be how everyone does, so try to state things as such. when it's an opinion, say it like an opinion. *shrugs* maybe it's just me, but that's my take on the matter.
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:58 am Post subject: |
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Strictly speaking, double negatives aren't not good grammar, but they're hardly not necessarily bad writing if you don't ask someone else. Why would you want to confuse your readers and force them to stumble on your writing? It seems a little self-important to force your readers to decode your cryptic writing to make sure they're paying attention. Andolyn, Kalyssa was confused, so she's trying to help Lilith improve her writing. She could word her suggestion a little more politely, but you could do the same with your rebuttal.
By the way, Lilith, it is a little odd how you described Lucas. You went to a lot of trouble describing what he wasn't. He wasn't too shabby with his funds; his eyes weren't too dark or too light; his hair wasn't short or medium; his forehead didn't protude; he didn't have a uni-brow; he wasn't girly-looking; there was not much to not like about him. Each time you described what he wasn't, I had to throw out a strange version of him from my mind. The protruding forehead with uni-brow version stands out far better than the vague idea of what he does look like.
The description of "almost-messed up" hairstyle that was acceptable in the workplace was a great description of what he was. I think it would be great to do the same with the rest of the sentences, i.e. he was impressively funded; his eyes were a perfect blue-green hue; his hair laid between short and medium length; his face was well-proportioned and masculine.... I think the last one "not much not to like" is a nice catch-all to make sure everyone knows he doesn't have any obvious flaws, but maybe "She couldn't find anything disagreeable about him" might be easier to understand instead of using "not" twice.
Anyway, sorry I barged in with unsolicited advice. I was Bob-Thwacking and I noticed what looked like a fight. You got another reader out of it, at least. I'd like to see where this strange order fits in with the real world as we know it.
DP wise, I don't see too many options. Running sounds smart. Perhaps we could throw a fire extinguisher at it (I'm sure they're clearly marked and accessible in case of emergency, right?). If the blob is highly corrosive, the extinguisher will explode. I believe it will cool the blob considerably (as described by Charles's Law of Gasses), which may slow it a bit too, if the explosion doesn't do anything. Of course, we would still want to run whether the extinguisher idea worked or not. Get in a car and boogie.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 11:44 am Post subject: |
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Kals, thanks for your input, I appreciate it. And there's a reason why I used 2 nots in the same sentence.
Andi, thank you for being so sweet and defending a writer's style. Thank-you for reading.
But ladies, no more arguing. I appreciate both sets of input, and trust me when I say, it goes in my handy little bag of writing tools.
Lebby, the description was purposely odd, because I haven't quite decided what to do with this Lucas yet. He's a very.. airy character right now because I don't have him down solid. And your advice is appreciated as well Lebby, unsoliciated or not. Thank-you for the read and the suggestion.
And without further ado, .......
We're Polling, kids! Please vote! Tell your friends to vote too!
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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Okey doke, sorry for making a fuss. I like my idea (of course), but I think we're going to need strange powers for the things we're up against, so I'm voting for that.
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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i got out everything i wanted to say with my last (and only) post. i'm just looking back to the way i was treated over LoK and how crappy the harsh comments made me feel about my writing ((when worded differently, they could have been written off as mere opinions or even turned into something constructive))...i also remembered how Lil was one of the people to stand up for me, so how could i not do the same for her? if we end it now, it wont happen again. speaking from experience. but i'm finished. as i said, got out all i wanted to say.
i voted for them to stick around and watch. nothing too hasty just yet.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hah! Broke a tie!
I, too, thought all the above comments were useful in the way they were delivered and I commend you An for taking a moment to note that emotions got tossed in from past experiences.
Liking the story so far. The human interaction sequence was quite engaging and the bit about her business proposal had a very real feeling which was in stark contrast to the sudden 'fantasy/scifi' intrusion which made that intrusion feel very out of place in that sort of alien manner that it probably should have - the shock and awe was real.
On the flip side, one thing I'd ask you to work on was an issue I've seen in your writing recently, not in this chapter but more in the first and that's that I end up often getting lost in which character you're currently referring to. I'm not quite sure HOW you create this confusion, just that I've been having to consistently reread where multiple characters are being discussed to sort them out in my head who it is you're talking about.
Otherwise, you've grown in leaps and bounds since I read your first stuff on IF... well done!
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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| now, see?? THAT was constructive. worded in a manner that was a request, not a demand that it be done, and thus taking the author's feelings about their work into consideration. *Bows to the Mayor*
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Lilith
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| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
**Sorry about the double post. Thought someone would post after me, anyway, here it is!**
Chapter 2: Chemistry 101
Luke kept tugging and tugging at her arm but Sasha stood rooted to the spot as the oozing, gelatinous thing slowly expanded, moving towards them menacingly. Finally, the intial shock wore off and Sasha stumbled backwards into Luke slightly but, since he was taller and bigger than she, her slender weight knocking into him didn’t do much. “We need to get out of here… I don’t know what this is but look at the wall…” Luke muttered to her conspiratorially, pointing at the wallpaper of the hallway smoking, turning black, and curling up and away at the blob’s touch. “What do you think is going to happen to us if we get touched by that stuff?” He added, seeing Sasha bite down on her lower lip nervously.
“But, this place is…” She started to say mine but a loud hissing sound made her swallow the words back as the blob expanded, filling the portion of the hallway it was in top to bottom, covering the damage made when it had entered the building.
Both Luke and Sasha backed away slowly as the blob advanced. Luke’s fingers brushed over an emergency box with an axe inside for cutting down blocked doors and beams if the building started to collapse from a fire. He glanced at Sasha and then at the blob before giving the glass a sharp jab with his elbow. The sound of breaking glass made the blob freeze, stopping all movement of its semi-colloidal form.
“So it is sentient.” Sasha said aloud, her own fingers digging along the wall for any sort of a weapon, and finding none. “Do you think that it might back off now?” She asked Luke in an undertone, but the blob itself answered her question for her by slowly withdrawing from them, leaving a trail of smoldering, slimy debris behind. They glanced at each other, and took steps forward towards it slowly; tiptoeing through the scorched and slightly slimy floor the blob had just been on.
Luke made a hand movement for Sasha to stay back but she was curious enough to let her fear slide to the side a bit so she could inspect the area and possibly figure out what that thing was made of. Just as the woman crept forwards further and started to bend, Luke coughed a little and made a sniffing noise before sneezing. “Do you smell that? It smells like my high school chemistry class melting rubber bands together.” He coughed again.
Sasha sniffed briefly, and smelled burning rubber. She backed away from the debris and looked at the bottom of her shoes. The soles were almost worn clean through to the inner cloth from the few seconds she’d been standing on. “Holy shi- AGH!” The reason why Sasha had suddenly screamed was apparent by the shaking of the entire motel. The force of the shudder knocked her headfirst into Luke and sent them both rolling in the opposite direction of the hall.
“What the HELL was that?!” Luke shouted, and as if to answer his question, all of the windows of the building suddenly imploded in upon themselves, forced inside by the sheer force the black ooze was putting upon them, the glass melting over top of the blob and being absorbed into it. As the ooze touched down, the floor smoldered and smoked, just as the hallway the side fire exit was in had. Then it started moving towards the both of them and both Luke and Sasha shot up immediately, taking off through the inner halls and dodging the outer ones that the ooze had already taken over.
“This way!” Sasha skidded around a corner and her arm shot out to grab Luke’s wrist and tugged him inside a room. She slammed the door shut behind him and did up the deadbolt and security chain.
“I don’t think that’s going to help, Sasha. That thing eats through everything like acid!” Luke said in a hoarse voice, reaching around his throat and loosening his tie nervously. His dark hair was unkempt and extremely messy now, and he was sweating a bit as well. “We need to leave.”
Sasha panted as she wobbled to the far law and kicked off her shoes. Upon looking around her surroundings, she couldn’t help but be comforted by her things of her home. “I know, I know… I just need to think… “ The very edges of the carpet by the door started to smoke and curl up slightly.
“What can we use to push it away? What neutralizes acid..” She muttered to herself as Luke gaped at her, walking around barefoot and pacing in thought.
“I would assume something basic, Sasha, but I don’t think we have..” Luke tried to reason to her but his words were soon drowned out as Sasha widened her eyes and ran out of the living room area, into her bedroom and from there, her bathroom. She came back with a bottle of Clorox bleach.
“Can’t get much more basic than this, can you?” She smirked and attempted to open the bulky bottle of cleaning solution. “These aren’t child-proof, they’re adult-proof too..ngh.” Sasha squirmed and twisted at the cap, glancing up every few seconds to see that the ooze was now under the door and slowly expanding on her floor, scorching whatever was nearby. Cory, her black and white cat was on top of the back of the sofa, hissing and spitting at the ooze.
“Crap, give it here…” Luke growled exasperatedly, seizing the bleach bottle and pulling a pocket knife from his pocket, stabbing the plastic in the side and slinging the liquid at the ooze.
There were at least three heartbeats where nothing happened and for an instant, Sasha thought her plan had failed. But then the ooze dissolved where the bleach had touched it, and shortly after that an ear-splitting scream emitted from every direction; whether it was from the ooze itself or from a third party, they couldn’t tell. Luke chucked the bleach bottle at the retreating ooze, where it burst open upon impact and the ooze retreated faster, eager to be away from this attacker that knew its weakness.
All they could hear for a few moments afterward where the angry hisses and growls coming from Cory, but Sasha soon scooped him up and squeezed him tightly to her chest, scratching his chest and calming him in a soothing quiet voice, almost like one would do a child. As Sasha calmed her cat down, Luke walked around the room, bending over the spots where the bleach and ooze had collided and finding it free of the slime that the ooze normally left. How strange… oh who am I kidding, that was unbelievable! If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was dreaming! Luke pinched himself hard on the arm and gave a quiet grunt of pain before sighing heavily. This was no dream, they had really just been attacked by an oozing black blob of... animated acid. He caught Sasha staring at him as she rubbed the now calm Cory’s ears and head affectionately. “What?” Luke asked, bewilderment in his blue eyes as he stared back, straightening up.
Sasha was silent for a few moments before smirking at him, despite the fact her nerves were shot to hell and back, as her father would describe. “Do all bankers carry a pocket knife? I thought the most dangerous things you used were your pens to say ‘no’ to a prospective customer.”
Luke even returned her smile, despite the strangeness of the situation and folded his knife back up, first wiping it on a part of the floor where there was slime leftover and watching as the bleach residue on the blade made the slime disappear, then slipping it back into his pocket. “I wasn’t always a banker. I lived in the inner city when I was a kid. Bad neighborhood.” He took a deep breath and a step towards Sasha. “Are you alright?”
Sasha’s smile wavered a little as she looked at the damage of her room and then walked over to her door, still clutching Cory to her chest, poking her head out in the hallway, her expression complete and utter sorrow at the destruction of the rest of the motel. “Well, Mister Henderson, it doesn’t look like you need to worry about giving me that loan after all… this is… for a lack of a better term totaled.” She commented sadly, noting Luke having approached behind her and peered out over her shoulder into the hall as well.
“I’m sorry Sasha…” He began with a sympathetic tone in his voice as Sasha closed the door again and pressed her forehead to the cool wood. “But I am going to have to agree. This building can’t be salvaged like thi-“ There was a quiet thunk from behind her and Sasha whirled around to see what it was. All she had time to see was Luke face-first on the floor and then a dark robed figure standing up from him and swiftly approaching her.
She couldn’t tell the gender of the person and he or she reached up to tap its ear and spoke. “I’ve got civilians. Creature cannot be accounted for. One male, one female, one feline.” When he or she spoke, Sasha could finally identify the robed figure as a woman. As the robed figure awaited a response from… whoever she was talking to, Sasha glanced around quickly for an escape, struggling to keep Cory still as he was curious to see who this new person was.
“Affirmative. The female spotted me, should I eliminate her? No? Alright, see you at the base in two hours. Over and out.” Sasha was brought back quickly to reality as the figure lowered her hood and actually smiled. “Today is your lucky day, peaches. You’ve just been recruited to the Order of Eden.” The woman’s face would have been pretty if it were not for the long jagged scar on her cheek that went from her temple to her jaw. Otherwise, the medium length blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes would have been attractive.
Your DP: What does Sasha do? Run? Try to overpower this... person? Talk her into letting her do something and then run? Something else?
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
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| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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that was AWESOME!! very fast paced, but still very easy to follow.
call me a sap...but i wanna know how our man's doing at the moment. i'd ignore the woman for just a sec...frankly i'd be a little pissed & curious...so i'd check on my man friend first. make sure he's alive, then ask her what the heck's going on. lol!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, Lil! I love that jump straight into the action!
I'm really, really wanting to know what that...thing is. A huge blob of 'animated acid' as Luke put it, with a mind of it's own too, by the seems of things. The ability to choose to retreat or give chase...one wonders where the origins of such a thing will lie. Is it going to be a scientific experiment gone wrong, or one that is doing exactly as told, and for some as yet unknown reason, has been ordered to destroy Sasha's motel and the woman herself. Or are its origins something different entirely? I can't wait to find out.
Dp-wise...Considering what's just happened, with the blob, and the motel being wrecked, and now the sudden appearance of this mysterious woman just waltzing in and acting like she owns the place, I think Sasha would likely snap, and want a few answers. She's just been recruited into the Order of Eden, which she likely knows absolutely zip about, has no idea what she'll be expected to do there...I think she should refuse until she's given a good reason to do otherwise...aka - an explaination.
Fab chappie, Lil! Looking forward to 3!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:46 am Post subject: |
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Aaaand Stickied!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:12 am Post subject: |
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I really did like this chapter. Clearly, this was a classic Black Ooze but seeing it in a modern setting was rather unique.
I have an inquisitive mind, myself, and as a result I'd see the arrival of this newcomer as little more than a possible source of answers to the questions that would be burning in my thoughts right now... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING??? And why did it just attack MY business??? And why do you have to come out swinging like that? Haven't we evolved into beings that can communicate or are you even human? Wait... are you? I mean... who are YOU anyhow???
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:11 am Post subject: |
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| Well hun someone broke your poll, and it wasn't me...
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Lilith
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| Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 3: Marked?
Sasha set her jaw and glared at the blonde woman standing in front of her, glancing past her and at Luke’s prone form. “What did you do to him?” She demanded between clenched teeth, barely restraining the anger and venom in her voice. The woman smiled, but it didn’t exactly have a calming effect on Sasha’s nerves. If her teeth had been sharpened to points? That would have been the proper effect that the woman’s smile had on Sasha.
“He’s only knocked out, and what do you care? Is he your boyfriend or something?” Blondie taunted her with that unnerving smirk plastered over her face. She wore black leather trousers that weren’t exactly tight, but they weren’t loose enough to catch any of the nails that protruded from the damaged walls of the motel. Her top was a black sweater as well, a silver emblem on the right side of the chest, but Sasha couldn’t make it out from where she was. The sweater’s material looked like it might be cashmere, and the cliché cloaked robe that the blonde woman wore was a very fine silk, carefully dyed black, of course.
Sasha tore her envious eyes away from the blonde’s clothing to snap out a response, perhaps with more venom than she intended, clutching Cory to her chest as she stepped sideways around the other woman, the cat mewing at her in protest of her tight grip. “No, but he’s not exactly my enemy, I don’t really think knocking out the first person you come across is polite either.” Just as Cory finally squirmed free of his mistress’s firm grip and started padding towards the newcomer, Sasha moved. She darted around the other woman and stumbled through the wreckage and debris of her floor towards Luke’s prone form, her hand reaching out and slapping itself on the side of his neck.
The other woman just laughed at her, a rich deep sound that matched her voice as she spun to follow Sasha’s progress across the room, waiting with one fist propped up on her hip. “So you don’t trust me? Alright then, go head, check him. I’ve got time.” She leaned back against an undamaged portion of Sasha’s bedroom wall and watched with her arms folded across her chest.
As Sasha leaned down and pressed the fingers of her right hand to Luke’s throat, Cory squirmed loose from her grip and padded over to the woman at the wall. “No, he’s not.” Sasha asked slowly, her eyes still cold and calculating as she clutched her cat tighter to her chest, who mewed plaintively; he was curious as to who this newcomer was and if they were playmates or not. Sasha breathed a sigh of relief as she felt the steady pump of blood under her fingers, but the color soon drained from her face as she looked up and spotted Cory sitting back on his hind legs and putting is front ones on the blonde woman’s knees, mewing to be picked up and petted.
“Cory, come here, boy.” Sasha said as she stood back up, reaching her arm out for her cat.
“Oh you have no need to worry about your feline friend here, my dear. I like cats better than I do people. Must be an animal instinct.” The blonde woman smirked at Sasha as she picked Cory up and started scratching under his chin and she was rewarded by a purring sound that rivaled the decibel level of a Harley Davidson.
Sasha sniffed derisively and reached down to slap Lucas’s face, trying to get him to wake up. “Not exactly a great skill set, not being people friendly, no wonder you knocked him out cold for no reason at all.” She snapped as her efforts did nothing and she stood up, making a slight growling sound in her frustration. Sasha shot a glance at the woman still holding her cat and scratching his neck, who was apparently enjoying it, from the closed eyes and purring sound she could hear across the room.
Blondie chuckled and petted and stroked that cat in her arms. “You know, I don’t believe you that he’s not your boyfriend. No self-respecting woman would show that much concern for a man if she wasn’t sleeping with him.”
Sasha shot the woman a dirty look in response. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a bank branch manager I was hoping to work over and get a loan from. Why is that any of your business?” She growled under her breath.
“It’s not my job to coddle people who end up getting in the way. My boss told me to bring the lot of you in, and men tend to irritate me. I find that the urge to cheese grate my ears off is less when they are unconscious if I’m transporting them.” The blonde woman added with a smirk at Sasha as Cory butted his little head against her hand gently, insisting she pet him again.
“It’s too bad I already called the police when that thing was attacking my building.” Sasha snapped, leaning back against the back of the sofa, watching the woman with a murderous look. “And they should have you into custody very soon, bitch”
Before Sasha knew what was happening, Cory was on the floor on all fours, looking curiously at both her and the blonde woman, who’d crossed across the room faster than a blink and had Sasha’s hair gripped tightly in one hand, hauling back so Sasha’s back arched painfully, being forced to look up at the blonde woman. “I’d watch who you smart off to when I get you back to base. Impudence and lack of discipline are not tolerated well, Miss Carter. As it stands, I know you’re lying about the police, your pupils contracted while you were speaking.”
Sasha’s eyes widened and she glared up at her captor who retaliated by cruelly pulling harder back on her scalp. “How the hell do you know my name and how did you see from across the room?” She hissed between clenched teeth, her blue eyes fixed on the brown ones above her.
The blonde woman smiled nastily and leaned forward to whisper in Sasha’s ear. “My friends have nicknamed me, Hawk-Eyes for a reason, Miss Carter. You’ll find out why soon enough.” She hissed, almost snake-like into Sasha’s ears, just before bringing her elbow to the back of her skull.
*** *** *** *** *** **** *** *** ***
Sasha groaned as she opened her eyes slowly. She was in a round room made of what appeared to be cement or concrete or some other industrial building substance. Her head was pounding from that blow the blonde woman had inflicted and she reached back to touch the spot, wincing as she found it and pain lanced through her again.
“Damn, where are we?” Luke’s voice rumbled from behind her, groggy and slow as he sat up. Sasha turned around and knelt down beside him.
“I don’t know Luke, are you okay?” She whispered to him, her hand squeezing his shoulder tightly and her voice very concerned.
He groaned as he sat up again, rubbing his head slowly. “I’m alright, Sash, I’ve just a minor headache that will clear up when I’ve had a couple shots of morphine.”
Sasha tried to give a weak smile but she faltered and looked away from Luke, peering at the single door in the room, made of heavy steel with a small window in the upper portion with bars slicing across it.
There was a pair of eyes peering through the gaps of the small window, and this pair wasn’t the brown color of the blonde woman’s. They were blue and the person they belonged to chuckled darkly. “Well, the prodigal child comes home.”
Sasha stood up quickly and stared back at the pair of eyes through the window, walking forward quickly and gripping the metal handle. “Who are you? What do you mean? Let us out!” She shouted, pounding her fist against the door soundly.
The chuckle deepened and the female on the other side of the door shook her head. “You don’t remember the night we were at your parents ten years ago, do you Miss Carter?” The eyes fixated on Sasha and pierced her with their icy gaze.
“What? What do you mean? You’re the ones who broke in? Why? And what does it matter?” Sasha snapped, slamming her palm against the door firmly.
“Yes, and we broke in to reclaim the refuge you checked in. Our Catarínn? The woman that you reported as missing the next morning?” Blue-eyes whispered through the window, hissing quietly at Sasha. “But she provided you as her replacement when you were old enough. Which you are now, Miss Carter. You belong to the Order of Eden now, and you have for a long time.”
Sasha froze in response, fear flooding her veins as she reached back and touched that spot on her shoulder blade that she’d had since that night. The brand or tattoo that bleed through her skin whenever she was upset or angry. “The mark… my shoulder… you did that, didn’t you?” She whispered, dreading the answer while she backed away.
“Yes, that’s exactly right. That Mark we can track anywhere and whenever you want. I’ll leave you with your thoughts, Miss Carter. Marianne will be here after awhile to speak with you, and your man there, in person. And your cat is currently taking a nap with a few other felines that are in our base.” The woman gave wave and strode off down the hallway, her shoes making a distinct clicking sound, telltale that she was walking heel-toe.
“What the hell, Sasha? Why do these people want you? Did you know about this?” Luke asked her angrily from the floor, seeming to glare at her.
Sasha, however, was backing away from the door as quickly as possible, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.
So what is Sasha going to do? Yell for help? Try to pick the lock? Inspect things?
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:08 am Post subject: |
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Glad I caught this, before it was way tooo late 
Amazing writing, Lilith. I do like this story so far and am looking forward to seeing more. I have no idea why Luke is angry with Sasha though. From the looks of it, the realization's just hit her, right?
As for the DP, I dont think there's any point in trying to escape. IMO, Sasha should just tell Luke everything she knows and remembers from "that night". It might be useful info for us readers too
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| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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LOVED it Lil!!
ima say we try to escape...as Vikas said earlier, there's probably not much point...but it would at least let us have a look around.
cant wait to see more!!
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:24 am Post subject: |
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No... but you have a new reader
Terrific story you're putting together Lilith. Very entertaining, and funny at parts too. Awesome work
I'm going with my bro on this one. Not much point trying to escape, and we ain't gonna get far either, seeing that we've been branded. Just tell everything you know to Lucas (Who incindently has the name of the guy who was supposedly killed by Catarínn... Just a thought ). We are going to be partners for the rest of this ordeal anyway.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:59 am Post subject: |
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| Lilith wrote: |
*squeals happily* It just made my day that you noticed that Vishal! |
Yeah.. I used a similar intro in another story, outside of IF
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:41 am Post subject: |
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Please wait patiently for my reply... things have been busy at work so my reading time has been slashed a lot... still trying to find some.
If you move on that's fine but my eventual comment IS inevitable... lol
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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This tale is continuing to be fab, Lil! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to it.
I'm really loving Sasha's determined, unwavering stubborness, even in the face of something/someone she fears. She refuses to be manipulated or do as she's told when it comes to these people (so far of course, though one wonders what lengths they will go to to get what they want). I'm still very much intrigued as to 'who' the Order of Eden are, and what they do. And now, what they want with Sasha, and Luke. Do they want Luke at all, or is he there merely because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Questions that I'm sure be answered soon enough, but until then are damn good for keeping readers hooked. Really good job!
For the dp...I'm afraid I'm with Vikas and Vishal. I really think she needs to talk to Luke about what happened that night, or at least have a think about it herself, and try to get things sorted in her head, to remember what actually did happen and if she can recall anything of significance. Talking it through with Luke might actually help her to capture the memories better, so I'm going to go with that.
Really enjoying this, Lil! Keep up the good work!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I would be waaaaay too curious to see how just running with things could play out here. I know we've painted the character as someone who really has a passion to make it in her business, but this seems a lot more interesting a lifestyle, wouldn't you say? So yeah, I'm with those who say wait and run with it and in the mean time discuss everything you know and can remember about how this happened to end up this way.
Thanks for waiting... sorry I didn't have anything new to offer though. Great read and getting better as the plot develops Lil. But there's something about how this is playing out that's disconnecting me from a sense of reality on it... not sure how you could work on that and I think its the challenge of all fantasy/sci-fi authors so its not a slam to mention it... just saying I would like to get a more realistic feel for the situation somehow. If there's something paranormal afoot, I'd think our character would NEED to have that fully explained - the creature... there were no questions about the goo really... and that would be the most mind-shattering experience about the whole thing so far. Those kinds of things just don't exist is what my mind would be shouting at myself over and over until it was somehow explained how and why it was suddenly there messing up my hotel!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:55 am Post subject: |
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Voted and Winning... 
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| Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:54 am Post subject: I think |
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Well, I just got caught up with this and I have to say it is very interesting!
There are a few stumble points, and one very confusing part having to do with the cat, but over all an excelent read!
I loved the blob, and all these girls seem particularly fem-dom meets fem-fatal, very interesting (Note: My sis loves it )
Sorry I missed the suggestion phase, I can't wait for the next chappy!
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 4: The Prodigal?
Sasha looked back at Luke, shaking her head slowly in response to his demand. “No, Lucas, I swear, I didn’t know… I… “ She sighed heavily and ran her hand over her face, leaning her back against the cold wall, the cold seeping into her bones it seemed. The business school graduate heard Luke sigh heavily and slowly move across the floor to sit beside her.
“I’m sorry that I exploded at you. But I need to know what’s going on here; I mean this is a little weird.” Luke ran his hand over the back of his neck and head, and then he winced. He pulled his hand away from the back of his skull and saw in the low light from the dim light bulb dangling from the ceiling that his fingers were covered in blood. He peered at it for a minute before groaning and leaning back against the wall. “The last thing I remember before waking up in here is being chased by some giant animated blob of acidic goo in the place that you’re trying to get a loan for.”
Sasha rubbed her face with both of her hands, trying to keep her torrential emotions under control, taking a deep breath and gripping her hands in one another tightly. “I… I only remember a little bit of it… but... just about ten years ago, when I was working the front desk for my mother, while dad was stationed overseas… this really strange woman paid me for a room for one night, and the next morning… she was gone, and I woke up with this..” She rolled up her sleeve to show him the brand on her arm that she’d kept secret from her parents until she was legally old enough to get a tattoo. “The police were brought in, they questioned me, they questioned my mother, my father when he got home from his tour in Iraq, and even my baby sister, Victoria. But they decided that the woman went missing in the night because she was a drug addict… which screwed our reputation anyway, that we hid junkies in our little hotel there. The gift shop closed first…” She took a shaking breath slowly brushing away the tears that had started to burn at the back of her eyes.
The bank manager peered over at Sasha’s arm while the brunette-haired woman explained what she knew, wincing slightly as he ran a thumb over the black-colored mark on her arm. “And you didn’t tell anyone?” He pressed, looking at her quite sternly.
She shook her head, now pressing her fingertips to her eyelids with her eyes closed. Her fingers were cold but her eyes were hot and it made her sleepy. Need to stay alert… can’t take a nap now… But the adrenaline rush she’d been through was now over and it was taking its toll on her body.
–
Luke released her arm and looked pityingly at the girl, sighing heavily. “This is... weird. But I have this gut feeling that we’re supposed to be here. For some reason. I have no idea why…” He paused briefly and then continued. “I don’t know about missing junkies in a hotel room… but, I’ve had some weird things happen while I was growing up…” He sighed heavily and ran his hand over his face, looking tired. “My parents, good people they are, couldn’t have children, so they decided to adopt. I was just a baby when they saw me in foster care and took me home. I never met my real parents, never really occurred to me to try and search for them… I was always a happy kid, pretty much in decent health, played all the sports my mother could handle me playing, went on to UCLA on a basketball scholarship, graduated in the upper twenty-fifth percentile of my class.”
The dark haired man sighed and shook his head again at himself. “And when I moved to Arizona, I started working for this really bitchy woman as her marketing and financial consultant. Finally, I found a job working as a personal banker in a local credit union and then it went from there. I managed to finally become an assistant to the manager, and when the old man retired, he nominated me for his position.” He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face vigorously. “But none of that compares to what I went through right after my promotion to branch manager. That very night, after my friends treated me for drinks, and I started to walk out of the bar they’d taken me too, some… thing ran into me and sent me stumbling into a grassy patch of lawn. I fell over, passed out... and when I woke up…” He paused again and then just shook his head vigorously. “You know what, you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told…” Lucas stopped as a rattle sounded outside the door of their confinement room.
Sasha looked up in alarm and started to push herself to her feet, but the door opened just a slight bit, and a tray was slid in with two bowls of a stew-like substance and two glasses of water on it, then the door was slammed shut again, the sound echoing solidly from the empty room’s walls. “Well. It looks like they’re feeding us… something at least…” Sasha whispered with a slight chuckle. She had no idea why that was funny… but for some reason it was. “So what happens if one of us has to … you know…?” She shouted the word at the door and got up, flinging her body against it and slamming her fists down on it in sudden fury. “Huh!? Well, are you cretins going to answer me or you going to take the charges that I can press on you for kidnapping?” Sasha shouted angrily, pounding both fists on the door in anger as she shouted.
Luke looked astounded at the sudden burst of rage from Sasha and carefully maneuvered the tray out of harm’s way of the girl’s temper tantrum before he went over and clamped a hand around her wrist to get her to stop. “Seriously, you need to calm down and eat something or they’re going to probably kill us just for your mouth.” He muttered in an undertone, hoping that if their captors hadn’t thought of that, that he wasn’t giving them any ideas.
Sasha sighed heavily, sniffed and shook her head. “This is ridiculous. I didn’t ask for any of this, I just wanted to run the stupid hotel, upgrade it and then franchise it out.” She said, her frustration straining her voice up a few octaves.
But her self-pity was to be only short-lived as Luke mirrored her sigh, grabbed her by both shoulders and pushed her straight down onto her bottom on the floor. “Sit-down, and take a deep breath. You’re not going to wallow right now.”
Sasha had let out a squeak as her rear hit the cold floor then glared murderously up at Luke, reaching out to take one of the bowls on the tray and one of the cups. “Fine, then.”
They ate the vegetable and beef stew in silence, holding off on the glasses until they’d swallowed the last of the stew, rinsing the slightly salty after-taste out of their mouths with the water. The entire time, Luke kept shooting furtive looks at Sasha beside him, wondering if she was going to throw another fit at him again.
Sasha sighed heavily when she was finished and set both the bowl and the glass down on the tray once more, leaning back onto her elbows and glaring at the ceiling. “So... you were saying that you passed out and then…”Sasha flinched when there was a slam against the metal door and she quit talking immediately, as Luke himself dropped his empty bowl and glass from his hands with a little jump.
There was another slam, and this time, there was a scraping sound like something was gliding across the door. Luke and Sasha shared a worried look as both stood up and backed away from the door slowly. It creaked open fully, revealing a muscular figure standing in the doorway. “Both of you…” The figure said, distinctly male, “Come with me. Marianne wants to see you.” Luke stepped in front of Sasha, squeezing her wrist in an attempt to be comforting as he walked past her towards the man in the doorway. She followed him out, and found the man in the doorway had slammed it shut behind them.
In the hallway outside the room, which was made of the same, dull, grey cement-like substance as their room, they found more muscular guards, both male and female. The man who had beckoned them out of the room stood behind Sasha, and she felt something sharp and metallic touch between her shoulder blades. She held back a whimper of fear as the guards surrounded the two of them and the ones in front began to march to the left in the hallway.
As they traversed through the tunnel-like halls, making turns here and there, in total silence, Sasha noticed the material of the walls and floor becoming smoother and at one point, finally changing to a smooth cool white marble. Finally, the guards in front stopped, stepped to the sides of the hallway revealing an opening into a well-lit room full of people clad in what seemed to be hand-made leather skirts, pants, and vests, the stitching being very obvious but quite decent to hold the fabric together.
Since they were stopped, Sasha stepped forward and drew level with Luke, then she reached out and squeezed his wrist, and was sardonically pleased to notice he was clammy. “Do you have any idea what the hell is going on?” She hissed out of the corner of her mouth, chancing a glance up at his face. He shook his head and Sasha bit down on her lower lip, just as a voice bellowed through the room, shaking it almost with the deep bass.
“Prisoners from Peachtree, Arizona as requested for Marianne, High Priestess of the Order of Eden!” And with that, the guard at the back prodded Sasha and Luke forward once more. They exchanged an anxious look they were forced forward into the room.
With some good light finally, Luke and Sasha could see that their guards were dressed like that too, the tribal tattoos in black ink adorning what skin they could see in the same style as the people in the opening before them. The people in the room started to turn towards them and their eyes looked less than welcoming, yet they backed away as the guards on either side and behind Sasha and Luke urged them forwards.
The guards stopped Luke and Sasha before a raised dais, on which rested a high-backed chair, hewn out of the same white marble that the room was made out of. Draped across the chair were furs of different colors, and from what Sasha assumed, were different animals. But it wasn’t the architecture that captivated their attention, nor the rich and luxurious furs on the chair. It was the middle-aged woman perched on them, her eyes regal and an icy grey. Dark hair fell from a pinned bun in ringlets to frame her face, defining high cheek bones and a narrow nose.
She stood up before them and stepped down the dais, the white simple cotton gown she wore defining her as someone different from the leather-clad warriors surrounding them in the room. As the woman stopped at the bottom of the dais, she fixed Sasha with a piercing gaze. “I am Marianne, the High Priestess of the Order of Eden. You, girl, are only alive because of my demands for it to be so.”
At this, Sasha’s jaw hardened and her hands clenched tightly into fists, but she stayed still and silent for once, as Marianna walked past her and viewed Lucas up and down critically, her face distinctly softer and her eyes less harsh. “You… look like him…” Marianne said, seeming almost astounded and shocked as she placed both hands on Luke’s shoulders and stared into his eyes unblinkingly.
Luke, confused, couldn’t help himself. “Begging your pardon, but, I look like who?” A hush fell over the crowd of warriors, who had been joined at some point during Marianne’s speech by other white and red –robed people, like Marianne, and had been whispering amongst themselves.
The dark haired woman smiled gently, tears glistening in her eyes. “My little brother, Lucas. I thought he was dead for the past ten years.”
Sasha stiffened instinctively and turned on the spot to fix Luke with a glare. There were so many insults and things she wanted to say. She wanted to rage at him, hit him even, until she saw that he looked as bewildered as she did. “Now, wait a minute lady, I’ve got no siblings. Sorry but I’m not your brother, so I guess we’ll be going ...” Luke had reached out to touch Sasha’s hand and turned but found himself facing the guards with spears pointed directly at his throat, faces unreadable. “Or perhaps not.”
Your DP: Uh-oh. It looks like our Main Characters are in a spot of trouble here. But could they play up Marianne’s assumption Luke’s her brother and get out of here? Should they make a break for it? You decide!
This chapter is a little bit longer folks so I thank-you a lot for you patience with my horrid RL kicking my behind left and right. I hope you enjoy it!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Finally...
I liked this chapter a lot, Lily. Though I am dissapointed we didn't hear Luke's story fully. It all seems straight out of an action film to me. It's exciting and I LOVE the element of suspense in this. Did I mention that this is damn good writing?
For the dp? I don't know really. I guess they should just turn back and face Marianne. DON'T try to escapr but don't say that you're her brother as well. Keep playing on in the same way and hope for the best. I know it sounds stupid but I think its the best thing to do. Trying to escape would be stupid and telling her you'r her bro would be equally stupid if she finds out that you lied. (Unless ofcourse, he IS her bro, but that is not very likely, is it?)
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:03 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this chapter, Lil! Quite an unexpected turn, Luke being (well, most likely being, though I suppose there is a chance that he's not) the brother of the High Priestess. Unexpected but intriguing. Looking forward to finding out more!
For the dp...I don't think making a run for it would be entirely wise at this point. Yes, they might get out, but most likely without their lives intact. I also think that Marianne isn't going to fall for any trick they might try to play by using the fact that Luke might be her brother. So I'm with Vikas (who's suggestion doesn't sound stupid at all, I might add ). Just turn back to face their captor, and maybe try to wheedle some information out of her, as to where they are, and why.
Looking forward to the next one already, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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Nice!!! Really well done, to set up this whole issue. I spent half the chapter expecting something big and the other half reading it. Really well written, Lilith, now the plot is gonna thicken, I hope.
Well, for the DP, I'm with my bro. There isn't much chance of us getting out of this alive (not at this moment, anyway), but the other things we could do ensure death (unless they desperately need us alive. Its possible, but I'm not gonna risk playing that angle). Luke already did tell her that he's not her brother (though he can't be sure himself, because he was adopted. Damn, you're making me think a lot. Atleast you know I'm paying attention ), so its not a wise thing to do. So that's about it. Man up to her, but don't go all arrogant. Find out exactly what they want from us, and then we'll make a decision.
Can't wait for the next one! 
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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LOVED it as usual, Lil!!
the brother thing was most unexpected...and fun! =D i'm with Vikas though, i wanna know the rest of that story!
for the DP, ima say lets just watch and wait...see what she wants, why they took us...that sort of thing.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 5: Time’s Up
Marianne suddenly looked shrewd for a moment as Luke turned back around to face her again and gave her a weak smile. “Well, maybe we could entertain the possibility that I’m your… brother, Miss Marianne, but I honestly doubt it, and if it’s me you’re after, why are you giving her such a hard time? She’s not done anything wrong.” He jerked a thumb at Sasha, attempting to seem uncaring and callus as he shot the business school graduate a pleading look, begging her to understand.
Sasha caught on and took the bait immediately, fixing the self-proclaimed priestess with a hard, accusatory look. “Exactly. Your girl came into my hotel, knocked him out, ruined my loan possibility to fix the place up, kidnapped me and you took my cat!” Her voice rose an octave while she progressed through her rant, color flushing her cheeks as she glared at the woman angrily now.
Marianne fixed Sasha with a beady look and then she actually chuckled aloud, her voice light and almost silvery as her ‘subjects’ joined in nervously, looking around at each other, as if trying to figure out what in the world was making their high priestess laugh so much. Then she stood up from her seat, smile gone and she waved a hand to silence the laughter that accompanied hers in the stone room moments ago.
Marianne’s grey eyes pierced hers and Sasha felt like the older woman could see right through the other side of her skull. “Bring the child’s feline.” The Priestess commanded suddenly, her voice ringing through the room.
Before Sasha could splutter her indignation at being called a child, there was movement at the back of the room where they’d entered from and an average height man walked in, carrying Sasha’s cat in his arms, where the cat looked quite content, purring and his tail twitching occasionally. However, as the man drew closer to the dais, Cory spotted Sasha and started to squirm and wriggle in the man’s arms. Sasha looked uncertainly around the room before she shifted and then quickly walked to gather up her cat, praying that no one would stop her, or skewer her, for that matter.
She made it to the squirming, wriggling feline without incident, only a calculating look from the brown-haired man who’d carried Cory to her. The black-and-white cat, however, was ecstatic and purred loud enough to be heard through the entire room, breaking the uneasy silence as he head-butted Sasha’s chin repeatedly while she petted him and walked back beside Luke to stand in front of Marianne. “Thank-you, Ma’am.” She said with some difficulty, as Cory was now putting his paws all over her face to make sure she knew he was still there. Marianne nodded once and gave Sasha a small smile. This was the first bit of respect the girl had shown since they’d brought the two of them to this place.
Then the white-robed woman stood up from her seat. “Come, you two. We have things to discuss without such an audience.” She said decisively, striding past them with ease, long legs bringing her to an archway that had been hidden by the mass of people crowding around the room before. Luke and Sasha shared a look before they scuttled after her, Luke holding his head up proudly with a hard set to his jaw and a steely glint in his eyes, Sasha with her face partially buried in Cory’s side as she quickly jogged to match Luke’s long stride.
They entered a well-lit room with walls and a floor were a much lighter shade of stone than the original one they had been led to. There was a set of wicker-material chairs and a table with a glass top and wicker frame, set with glass mugs and a clear pot that was full of an amber liquid.
Marianne sighed heavily and settled herself into a chair behind the table and waved her hands at the chairs before the table; both Luke and Sasha took the hint, sitting down together and sharing a look that said neither of them was comfortable with the situation. They were both brought back to reality by Marianne clearing her throat and pouring the amber-colored liquid into three glass mugs.
“It seems you are both uncomfortable here, is that correct?” She asked slowly, flicking a strand of dark hair streaked with silver behind her ear, giving both of them a piercing look.
Luke spoke up. “Well, yeah. Your servant girl or whatever she was, knocked both of us out and dragged us away from everything we knew, and everyone.” He emphasized the last word and hardened his gaze, making it seem harsh.
Marianne’s gaze fixed on him and her eyes narrowed considerably at the last word. “Everyone you need is right here, in this underground facility, Lucas. Your family is he-“
“In case you weren’t paying attention, Ma’am, he said he wasn’t your brother. His family is not here. His family is the people who raised him, not you.” Sasha snapped, almost seeming to vibrate with anger now. She’d held her tongue long enough, and now she had someone to berate, while Cory looked up at her reproachfully and mewed in an admonishing way. “Oh hush you…” the brunette murmured to the cat she clutched tightly.
Marianne stood up quickly, as if suddenly invigorated by the snarl from Sasha. “He is my brother! It wasn’t my choice for him to leave.” She explained, folding her hands together tightly, the knuckles clutched so tightly they were becoming white under the skin.
“Then how come I don’t remember you, Marianne is it? I’m sorry but you just don’t forget ten years of your life overnight.” Luke interjected quickly, seeing Sasha’s eyes flash dangerously and shooting her a look to stay calm.
The priestess’s eyes softened and then watered slightly as she opened her mouth to speak again. “Luke, my dear little brother, our sister used Forbidden magic to make you forget.”
The silence was deafening, with the exception of Cory’s struggles and grunts to free himself from his mistress’s grasp. Sasha was the first to snort derisively and stand up. “Alright, magic, right. I’m out of here, now.” The brunette to a sharp step toward Marianne and pointed at her, her finger an inch from the older woman’s face. “You, lady, are insane. And you will let us go, or I’ll call the police and have them drag you back to whatever institution you escaped fr…”
Marianne, momentarily shocked at Sasha’s movement, suddenly lifted an arm sharply and waved it at the younger girl; her lips clamped shut and she couldn’t pry them apart to finish what she was saying.
Luke stared in shock from one to the other. “Now wait a minute… don’t tell me that was magic…” He gaped at Marianne when she nodded, lowering her hand and flexing her fingers, and Sasha let out a burst of breath. “Are you okay, Sash?” He asked tenantively, seeing the dark look on Sasha’s face before she let out a shout of anger.
“You twisted old …!” She didn’t finish her sentence, not because of Marianne this time, but because of a boy who threw open the door and rushed toward the priestess, looking wild-eyed and breathless.
“My lady! The patrols are coming in fast and many are injured. They speak of a horror unlike any we’ve seen following them. And behind it… they are coming.” His eyes had gone wide at the word ‘they’, as if he was so shocked by the word itself he couldn’t bear to utter it.
Marianne ran her hand over the boy’s cheek briefly. “You have done well, Mattieu. Sleep now, without dreams.” And as her hand left his skin, the boy’s face became blissfully blank and he collapsed to the floor. Marianne stood up, all business now. “You, Luke, move Mattieu to the chase over on the other side of the room and come with me. Sasha, it’s time for you to learn what you’re going to be up against for the rest of your days.”
Both of them stood stock still in shock, staring at the woman who seemed to expect them to follow her orders without question or complaint. “Um, excuse me… but I am not helping your little psychotic scantily clad belly-dancers, crazy lady.” Sasha replied snidely.
Just as Sasha finished her snappy remark, Marianne snorted and strode over toward the girl, grabbed her by the upper arm, hauling the younger woman out of the door and down the hallway, heading away from the big main room. “Hey, now wait a minute!” Luke called after them, following the sounds of Marianne’s confident footsteps as well as Sasha’s jerks, grunts and attempts to free herself from the priestess’s iron grasp.
Their path led them into tunnels that suddenly became cool and tilted upward, the sand underfoot slowly becoming hard solid packed earth and then the stone of an old building. The trio emerged onto a ledge overlooking a wall that was cut out in part of it, just like old castles had.
Marianne finally released Sasha with a swift snarl and pointed out into the horizon. “Not helping? When you were Marked for this ten years ago? Girl, you should have been training since then. You are sadly lacking in your education, look hard at that horizon and tell me what you see.” Cory was all but writhing madly to get out of Sasha’s grip by now because of all the yelling, but Sasha held him tightly to her chest and looked, squinting slightly.
There were dark shapes, marching, walking, sliding and shifting forward along the horizon, a length of at least fifty football fields in length. But they all would converge on the same target: the stone building and the tunnels beneath in the ground. “What are those?” Sasha and Luke asked together, for he had caught up and was peering out with Sasha at the horizon.
“Foul, ugly things. Native Americans called them Skinwalkers. Druids called them Unseelie. Modern day people would call them demons.“ Marianne replied, somewhat furiously. “And these are only the beginning. We’ve been beating them back for centuries, until ten years ago when Catarínn turned on us. We had thought she’d sacrificed you at first Luke, to free herself of her obligating Mark and transfer it to Sasha, but she just simply made you lost to us. That was enough to weaken our defenses and give them the edge in the war.”
“Why was that enough? What makes me so special?” Luke asked, sounding a little disbelieving as he stood next to Sasha.
Marianne gave him a weak smile. “You are the last in a powerful bloodline that can wield magic successfully, Luke.”
“Obligation? What happens if I don’t fulfill the obligation?” The younger woman asked quietly backing away from the ledge very slowly with a few steps, before Luke said anything, which he probably wasn’t going to, looking stunned to silence.
“You sicken, weaken, and die. The magic in the Mark woke when you were brought here. It will be in effect for the next three years. After that, your basic training is complete and you can leave the complex safely. This is sacred ground.” The priestess explained slowly, clenching her knuckles around the ledge and gritting her teeth while she watched the seething mass of creatures moving always closer.
Sasha gulped hard and stared at the shifting, black figures as they moved closer and closer to them. “Why me? Why did she transfer her obligation to me?” She asked in a suddenly very small voice, looking at the priestess for the first time with some semblance of respect.
Marianne looked pitying as she gazed back at Sasha, her youth no doubt going to be wasted in the coming weeks, months, and years of her life. “Because you were conveniently placed.”
Sasha felt her gut and heart plummet, even as Luke set his hands on her shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze, voicing the question on all of their minds. “What do we do now?”
Your DP: Uh-oh. What do they do? Abandon the base and find a new one? Send for reinforcements? Make a stand?
*As always, please remember to post and favorite if you like this story and others. It inspires writers to write more. *
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Fri Mar 02, 2012 4:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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Another amazing chapter Lil!!
I like that we're learning about the situation they're in more clearly... Ofcourse, it does seem very possible that Luke IS the one Marianne's been searching for too..
As of now, they should probably trust Marianne and listen to her... we'll take a final call later...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Another fine chappie you've got here, and a good lot of info for us to take in. Clearly Marianne was telling the truth about magic, as she showed Luke and Sasha that she herself wields it, so she's very likely telling the truth about Luke being her brother too. And now there are demons coming for them, eek!
For the dp...well, just going by guess work here, this can't have been the first time that such a thing has happened surely? So I would imagine that their base is pretty solid, and demon-proofed to the max. And if they were to try and run, where would they go to? From what I read, I'm thinking that the demon hoard is converging on them from every direction visible to them? So if they were to run, it seems to me they'd stand a good chance of getting caught. So I say stay where we are, and have Marianna and any other magic users in the base make a show of their powers against the enemy.
A fab, well-written chapter, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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Brilliant Chapter, Lil!
You gave us a lot of information without going anywhere near boredom, nicely done. This also set up the DP well, breaking off the conversation just as I wanted to know more. Now I'm starting to believe that Luke is her brother, and I don't think she's lying about anything else either. This, I think, will be the chapter that leads to the thickening of the plot.
As for the DP... I am going to have to go with Tika. Marianne was showing us the demons and almost teaching us about them. There didn't seem to be any panic about her, which leads me to believe that this should be solved without a major fuss. On the other hand, when Mattieu says "they are coming" with all the shock he had, this can't be a really easy situation to handle. Either way, we don't have much of a choice, except to sit back and watch the action unfold. We can try to help, but I really don't see us being of much use.
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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LOOOOOVE it!! i'd like to know now why the sister "betrayed" them...hmm...perhaps there's more to the back story?
"AND you took my cat" favorite line. XD
anywho, for the DP, let's stand an fight. this is "sacred ground" after all, so that should give us an edge.
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Lilith
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:34 am Post subject: I think. . . . |
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A most interesting chaper. The mix of realism (Worrying about her cat) mixed with the mystic (Monsters and magic) is very well played. I like.
I noticed a spelling mistake that had me re-reading the line a few times. It's. . . .
| Lilith wrote: | | Sasha snapped, almost seeing to vibrate with anger now. |
Right there. My only stumble really.
Sorry I missed the suggestion phase on this one. I voted to "Put up their dukes" but I doubt it'll win. I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Keep up the fine work!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Lilith
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 12:54 am Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 6: First Blood
As Sasha buried her face in her hands, Marianne drew herself up to her full height, seeming to pull the atmosphere towards her and center herself now that she was back in control of the situation. “You come back down into the tunnels while the Council and I hold a meeting. And don’t worry, we’re not going to put you back in a holding cell, now that we’re sure that you’re free of the Stain.”
Luke stared at Marianne as she turned her back on them, white robes brushing across the ground with a quiet swish, descending back down into the main tunnels, expecting them to follow her. “So where are you sticking us then?” He called after her, letting go of the brunette’s shoulders and following his supposed ‘sister’.
Marianne paused and looked back over her shoulder at him with a small smile. “I’ll be more than happy to give up room in my own accommodations for you and your friend, brother. But you both must come with me now quickly. You are not trained to fight these and nor is she.” She beckoned both of them with an urgent wave of her hand.
Luke sighed and looked back at Sasha, who was clutching Cory close to her chest and for once, the cat wasn’t trying to make an escape attempt; he was nuzzling his mistress’s neck and chin, trying to get some response out of her. With the exception of the steady fingers stroking over the insistent cat’s ears, Sasha wasn’t moving, and she didn’t look up when Luke reached out and touched her arm. “C’mon, Sasha. We need to get inside.”
He gave a little tug and as if coming out of a trance, the brunette looked up at him. “Yeah… I guess we do.” She stepped toward the entrance to the tunnels, and strode down the stairs quickly, Luke following close behind as they both jogged a little to not lose sight of the white robed woman in front of them. Just as they reached the first turn in the tunnel, the entire building and the earth below gave an almighty shudder, as if just slammed with a sledgehammer.
Marianne turned around and pointed both of them to run past her. “Go to the sitting room in my quarters and stay there. I’ll join you when it’s over. Quickly now!” She quickly hustled them down the corridor and another few turns until they entered the sitting room they’d been in with Marianne before. There had been at least seven more shudders during their hurried journey and with each one, Marianne urged them to go faster, the color in her face draining until she had a porridge-grey color.
“Can’t we do anything to help?” Luke asked after Marianne threw open the door and practically shoved them inside the room. Marianne paused momentarily to give the former bank manager a pained look before shaking her head and shutting the door quickly, her footsteps fading within moments. He sighed and then gave a little jump of surprise when he felt something around his ankle. Looking down, Luke saw that it was just Cory, just recently released by Sasha, who was sitting down in one of the wicker-work chairs with her eyes closed.
Luke leaned down and gave Cory an affectionate rub down one side and then the other before he stepped around the curious creature and sat down in front of Sasha, scooting to the edge of the chair. “Hey, you alright?” He ventured quietly, reaching out and touching one of her hands.
For a moment, he wondered if she was actually going to respond, and then Sasha looked up at him, her mouth working slowly as she attempting to get her words out. “No, I’m not. But I guess I’ll have to be.” She slid her hand out of his reach and rested her elbow on the arm of her chair, letting her forehead drop down into her palm as she covered her eyes.
Luke wanted to say something, anything, to make Sasha feel better, and he opened his mouth to try and do so as he leaned into the back of the chair, when the ceiling, the walls and the floor beneath them gave such a forceful tremor that both Sasha and Luke stood up , Cory darted underneath one of the squashy-looking sofas, hissing angrily as another tremor forced both of the humans left standing down on the floor, face-first.
Sasha groaned loudly. “Ow... I could do with not having to stand up again, not after that.” She rolled onto her side and curled up with her arms around her ribs. “Those are going to be bruised.”
“No shit, really?” Luke groaned as he pushed himself up from the floor partway, but another shudder made his hands slide out from underneath him and he thudded forward onto the floor again with a very load groan. This time the shudders didn’t stop and were intersparsed with loud thuds, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped.
Cory was the first one to poke his head out and start wandering about, padding over top of Sasha. “Ouch, Cory... that was not very nice.” Sasha groaned as she pushed herself upright and the cat jumped down. “Luke, it’s over.” She reached over and shook his arm gently.
Luke looked up and glanced around at the debris and broken baubles on the floor, cushions strewn everywhere and side tables up-ended all over the room. “Looks like we were lucky and avoided the worst of it over where we were, Sasha.” He stood up and offered the brunette girl a hand to help her up.
Sasha ignored the proffered hand and stood up on her own, wincing at the soreness in her ribs as she scooped the cat up with her. “Should we leave?” She wondered aloud, stepping over the fallen and broken objects and moving quickly toward the door, Luke close on her heels. As she reached it, the handle turned and the door opened, with one of the men that had been in the main room before stumbling through, covered in blood.
“Oh my god!” Sasha cried, backing away from the man as he stepped forward.
“You two! Follow me! The Lady’s orders!” He roared, reaching out and grasping her wrist in a vice-like grip. He started pulling Sasha toward the door, and she kept tugging away from him, trying to release her wrist from his grasp.
“Let go of her!” Luke shouted, moving forward and reaching out to grab the bigger man’s forearm, trying to shake him off Sasha. Before he knew it, Luke was flung across the room, thudding into a wall.
“No!” Sasha screamed again and let her joints go loose, becoming dead weight. The trick worked, and the intruder let go of her in surprise, allowing the brunette to roll to her feet, get to her feet and sprint through the doorway into the hallway. A loud roar and a crash told her that she was being followed, leading the crazed man away from Luke and her cat.
Shit, shit. What do I do?! She thought as her feet hit the stone floors of the tunnels, while she ducked into side ones, trying to out-run the man behind her. Sasha could hear him grunting as his shoulders would smack into the walls when she turned a sharp corner, but one thing was certain: he was gaining on her.
She risked one glance behind her, and saw that the bodybuilder-lookalike was not more than fifty paces behind her. And his eyes had no whites and no irises, whatsoever. They were completely black, and absent of all light or reflection.
“Ouch!” Sasha felt a sharp twinge of pain down her arm as she rounded another bend in the tunnel, the lit torches on the walls becoming dimmer and less frequent. She looked over to see blood trickling down her shoulder toward her forearm; she’d scraped it against that sharp protrusion of rocks around that last corner. One more glance behind her told her that the previous one had cost her several feet, and she could see a maniacal smile spreading slowly across her pursuer’s face.
“I can smell you, little girl! You can never outrun me now!” He shouted, in a voice that made Sasha’s blood chill, as she skidded into a wide open cavern… with no exit other than the one she’d just come from. The brunette turned around and started to back away into a shadow against one side of the cavern, managing to hide just as the possessed man stepped into the cavern after her, smirking.
“I know you’re here, Sasha. And I know this is the only way out… come out and play…”
I know this one is a little bit shorter than my usual chapters but I think this is a good place to pause and let y'alls squirm.
Your DP: Uh-oh. Well, isn’t she in trouble? You guys did say you wanted to see what would happen when you let the magic-users handle the battle... you picked it. Now, how are you going to get the main characters out of thise one?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Fri Mar 30, 2012 9:00 am; edited 1 time in total
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Andolyn
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Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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| wow!! that was exciting!! i'm going to say Sasha, in her fear, unleashes some sort of crazy awesome power she didnt know she had, taking out this guy. =D loving it! keep it up!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 8:39 am Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Wow...I agree with Andi, very exciting indeed! It is slightly shorter than most of your others, but it doesn't suffer for it. It's fast paced, action filled to the hilt and very enjoyable. Very well done indeed! The pure black eyes of the big guy chasing Sasha did make me wonder what he might be exactly. One comes to the conclusion that this man isn't on the side of Marianne and her people, and yet surely the presence of a stranger in the room would have alerted them to something being not quite right. Is he merely one of the demons (the mention of skinwalkers in the prior chapter makes one think that they have the ability to change their appearance or steal another's identity for a time, though I could be entirely wrong about that), or could it have something to do with the sinister black ooze from the beginning? Who knows (apart from you obviously ), but I'm very much looking forward to finding out!
I just found a couple of things, though both are the same really...
| Quote: | | Luke wanted to say something, anything, to make Sasha feel better, and he opened his mouth to try and do so as he leaned into the back of the chair, when the ceiling, the walls and the floor beneath them gave such a forceful tremor that both Sasha and Luke stood up , Cory hissing and darting underneath one of the squashy-looking sofas and hissing angrily as another tremor forced both of the humans left standing down on the floor, face-first. |
| Quote: | | This time the shudders didn’t stop and there were load thuds in between the shudders, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped. |
In the first quote, the double usage of 'hissing' in such close proximatey doesn't sound quite right. The first, along with the following 'and' could just be removed completely and it would flow better.
And in the second, 'shudders' is the same, though it would take slightly more rearranging to change it. Perhaps something like...
This time the shudders didn’t stop and were intersparsed with loud thuds, lasting for about ten minutes before the quaking stopped.
For the dp...I'm liking Andi's idea, though I will suggest a different option just so you have something to work with. Um...*taps a fingertip against my lips as I ponder*... Well, I can only think of her trying to slip past him using the shadows as cover, before he sniffs her out. Hopefully she'll succeed in getting far enough towards the exit to scarper again and try to find one of the magic users.
Great chapter, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:24 am Post subject: I Think. . . . . |
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Again, much amazingness is to be found here. Sorry, I read this almost as soon as you posted it, but I fergot to respond, oh no! Anyways, loving it, loving it!
Me wants more!
The way it's put together, as well as the visuals are awesome. Even with all the twists and turns, it's easy to follow, and easy to comprehend. It's classic and unique all at the same time. Very well done.
As for the DP. . . . .To quote Dean Winchester, "Crazy Works". I have to go with strp and run naked past'em screaming something about the attack of inviasable fluffy pink rabbits or something. Hey, y'never know, it could work!
Well, that's my two cents. . . . . Onward, to adventure!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Lilith
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 11:16 am Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 7: Exodus
There was something soft and fuzzy patting at his nose. Luke wrinkled his nose and gave a sniff, which turned out to be a very bad idea as he sneezed as soon as he did it, then he opened his eyes to meet a pair yellow-green ones with slits for pupils. Then Cory sneezed on him. “Gah!” Luke sat up from the floor and wiped a hand over his face. “Your owner taught you manners I’m sure.” He muttered, wincing has he stood up and touched the bruises forming on his back. “Damn… whoever that was sure packs a punch…” The last few moments before he was thrown into a wall and knocked out came rushing back to his memory. “Shit, where’s Sasha?” He looked around the destruction of the underground room, hoping to see Sasha in there somewhere, but however, it was in vain. The brunette was nowhere to be seen and it seemed that the cat knew it, since he was twining between Luke’s legs and meowing plaintively.
Limping a little, the former bank branch manager strode out into the hallway just outside of the room and looked first right and then left. The stone that made up the passages, like the walls, ceiling and floor behind him, was full of spider-web like cracks all through it. “No idea how long this place has been here but, it looks like this is the last siege it can take.” Luke muttered under his breath, just as Cory scampered past him with a loud meow and darted down the left-hand side of the hall. “Hey! Get back here, you!” He called after Cory, chasing after the fuzzy creature that just rounded a corner to the right, it’s long black and white patch tail the last thing he saw as he turned as well… and skidded to a complete halt.
The hall was littered with bodies, either white robed as Marianne had been or leather-clad like the warriors from the large hall they’d been in earlier. Not a single limb or appendage twitched nor a single chest rise and fall with a breath pattern. The cat was almost at the far end of the hallway while Luke was trying to pick his way through the bodies, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat at the sight of so many bodies. When Luke reached the far end of the body littered hallway, he saw the cat sitting down and twitching his tail at the human, as if he was waiting for Luke to follow. “You’re not bothered by those at all, are you?” Luke asked the feline, who stood up on all fours, meowed at him and then trotted off around the next corner, rounding left, and bringing Luke to shorter hall that led to a closed, wooden door.
The door was plain with a brass handle, hinges and fastenings, big enough to fill the entirety of the hallway and apparently thick enough to block off any sound from the other side. Luke looked down at Cory, who was leaning up with both paws against the door and meowing plaintively. “Alright, cat, I get it. I’ll open the door for you.” Luke replied, clearing his throat quietly as he twisted the doorknob and pushed the large wooden door open. As soon as it was opened enough for him to squeeze through, the feline darted through the opening.
Apprehensively, the former bank branch manager followed after Cory, pushing the door all the way open and swallowing hard at the sight that greeted him. Marianne and two other white robed figures were lying on the floor of the room beyond at odd angles, red seeping through the abdomen of the robes, unmoving. Quickly, Luke hurried over to Marianne and knelt down beside her, pressing two fingers to the pulse point on her neck. She had a pulse but it was faint as was the shallow breathing pattern her chest rose and fell in. “Marianne, can you hear me?” He whispered, watching the priestesses eyelids flicker in response and then snap open.
“Lucas… my baby brother…” She wheezed, her grey eyes full of pain and regret, one hand lifting up to touch his cheek.
Luke shook his hand and put a hand up to remove Marianne’s. “Shhh... don’t try to talk, Marianne. I’m going to try and get some pressure on your wound.” Luke ripped the corner off of one of the corpses’ robes and started trying to bind up the wound, while Cory had finally curled up in Marianne’s curly, long dark hair, settling down there.
“Lucas… it’s futile to try to do that. I am dying. You know this.” Marianne croaked out, looking up at him with a smile. “But I’m glad you’re the one here in my last moments. I am one of the few with the privilege of family who are a part of the Order.” The priestess’s voice had ranged from almost normal to almost a croaking whisper throughout her entire speech.
“You’re delusional, lady. I’m not your family, and I’m not a part of your mysterious order or whatever.” Luke shook his head slowly and blinked away hot tears pricking the back of his eyes. “And you’re not going to die, alright? So just shut up and save your strength.” He ordered, tightening the binding he made over her wound. “Whatever the case, you seem to be a leader for your order of people you have here. So we’ve gotta have you healing, don’t’ we?”
Soon enough, the blood seemed to stop seeping through the make-shift bandage and that’s when Luke added one more layer and tied a knot over it. But Marianne’s face looked so pale that Luke had worried momentarily she’d died; then her chest rose and fell once more, slowly, but she was still breathing at least. “Lucas...” She whispered, reaching up and patting his cheek gently. “You need to listen to me.”
Luke looked down at his ‘sister’ and frowned at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
She wheezed and looked up at him with a smile. “You can’t save me. I’m going to die, my sweet little brother. I’ve Seen it ending like this. You must find survivors and rally them. They will follow you, as you are of the same blood as I.” When Luke opened his mouth to interrupt her but she lifted a hand and covered his lips with her fingers. “No, Lucas. You must do this if you want to survive on your own now. You’ve been introduced to our magic and it’s touched you. You will be hunted, especially as a survivor after this...” Marianne coughed and started to splutter, and with each wheezing breath she took now, the bandage on her abdomen started to seep red again.
“Don’t… stop talking.” Luke tried to rip more of the corpses’ robes to make another bandage but Marianne waved her hands weakly. He slid back over to her and lifted her head up slightly to make it easier for her to breathe.
“Lucas. Take them to our fallback location in the Black Hills.” She pleaded, begging him almost as she started hacking and coughing again, a wet sort of rattle building in her lungs. “Please.”
He hung his head and sighed heavily, nodding down at the woman on his lap, who claimed to be his sister. “Alright, Marianne. I’ll find as many as I can and try to get us to the Black Hills. I promise.” Luke relented, trying to pacify the dying woman.
She smiled at him, her breathing still labored but after a few more rattles, her chest was still and her grey eyes closed. Her body was only slightly warm; since she’d lost so much blood already, there wasn’t a lot of heat left in her slender figure. Luke gave a swipe at his eyes and looked away from Marianne as he slid her body from his lap and back onto the stone floor, spotting that devilish cat of Sasha’s staring at him once more.
“What do you want?” He snapped at Cory, as the feline trotted over, headbutted his arm gently and then walked back to the door, looking back and waiting, obviously intending for Luke to follow him. Luke sighed, squeezed Marianne’s now-cooling hand and followed the cat back into the corridor. For some reason, Luke thought, this cat knows where to go next.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Sasha screamed as the possessed man picked up a boulder about twice his side and chucked it toward her hiding place, running towards the other end of the room, trying to hide behind some other debris that had fallen down in the final quake the tunnels had been through. Unfortunately, the possessed man lumbered toward her and grabbed her ankle when she tried to dive behind another set of rocks. He dragged her along the uneven ground even as she squirmed and kicked, trying to break his hold on her foot. “Let me go!” She shouted, twisting her entire body over and swinging her free foot across his face.
There was a sickening crunch and the warrior dropped her, bringing his hands over his face and groaning in pain and shock. “You bitch!” He roared, starting back towards her with his hands outstretched once more as she tried to stand up, but found she couldn’t - he’d sprained her ankle too badly for her to put weight on it. He was bearing down on her, reaching down… Sasha put her hands up in the air to stop him, shutting her eyes and let out an ear-splitting scream.
She waited for the final blow that would kill her… but it didn’t come. Slowly, Sasha opened one eye and looked up, seeing a strange pale blue-white glow emanating from her hands. The man was stumbling back and away from the light as if it was paining him. Thinking quickly, Sasha lunged her form at him, using her body weight to push herself to put her palms on the warrior’s leg, squeezing tightly, her knuckles going white under her skin. “No, no, no!” The possessed man screamed in agony as his skin seemed to heat up, glowing red under Sasha’s touch. She clung onto the man’s leg, even as he fell to the ground, writhing and screaming for anyone to hear. She winced as he managed to catch a blow in her ribs, coughing suddenly and having her grip thrown off.
“Shit, shit... no!” She scooted forward and put her hands on the man’s face and he screamed louder just before his body writhed violently and something like black smoke wrenched itself free of his skin and was gone. The glow in Sasha’s hands faded and the man’s body went still, breathing heavily, but undoubtedly unconscious. She pulled away from the now resting warrior, bringing her hands up to her eyes to try and inspect them, shaking all over. “What is going on…” Sasha whispered to herself, covering her face with her shaking hands.
Mrrow! She looked up at the sudden familiar sound of Cory’s meow, just as the ball of fur streaked into the cavern she was in and made a beeline straight for her. “Cory! You’re okay!” Sasha cried, hugging the cat when he jumped into her lap, just as another familiar face poked his head in the room.
“So that’s what he wanted. He’s been going mad trying to find you, Sasha. Come on, let’s go…. Who’s that?” Luke was talking while he walked into the room and stopped dead when he spotted the body on the floor.
“I don’t know. He’s the same guy that was trying to drag us out of the sitting room and then he tried to kill me.. but my hands glowed and then he went all funny… and now he’s like this.” She finished, to push herself upright again, slower this time, but her leg wouldn’t bear her weight.
Luke was staring at the downed man with an expression of confusion when he noticed that Sasha couldn’t walk. He moved over to her quickly and slid an arm around her waist. “What’s wrong? Why can’t you walk?”
“He grabbed me and did something to my ankle… hopefully it’s just a sprain.” She winced as she tried once more to put it down flat and it threatened to twist underneath her. “Ahh! I can’t…” Sasha leaned more onto Luke’s shoulder as he held onto her more securely, while she wrangled the cat, who was squirming around again.
“It’s okay, Sasha. Lean on me. We’ve gotta get you out of here. And then I’ve gotta find the survivors of this… attack.” Just then, the cat escaped Sasha’s grip and ran out of the room, tail straight up in the air as he ran off, apparently looking for something.
“Damn it!” Sasha swore, covering her face in frustration and letting go of Luke, sitting down on a boulder that had fallen from the ceiling in the shaking of the earth. “Luke, please, will you catch him? I’ll stay here, and I don’t think this guy’s going to hurt me when he wakes up. He had some weird black smoke come out of his body so I think he’s fine.”
Luke sighed heavily and dragged over another rock to prop up Sasha’s foot on, lifting it and inspecting carefully around the ankle. “It’s pretty swollen, Sasha. Keep it elevated and I’ll be back. I promised Marianne before she died that I would find the survivors.” At the confused look Sasha gave him, Luke shook his head and started for the door. “I’ll explain later.”
Outside the room in the hallway, Luke marked the room by scratching an ‘X’ over the doorway with his fingernail into the stone. “Alright cat, you’re running this operation apparently. So where did you go..” He spotted Cory darting around one end of the hall and jogged after him.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
It took a few hours but soon enough, Cory and Luke had scoured the entirety of the ruins and brought out a total of eight survivors, excluding themselves and the man with Sasha waiting in the room Luke had marked. Now they were all in there together, a few nursing simple cuts and bruises, one with a dislocated shoulder and one with a broken wrist. The unconscious man was stirring slowly and Sasha had moved herself to sit beside him on the floor, stroking his face trying to soothe him, as he was turning his face from left to right and breaking out in a sweat as if having a bad dream.
They all looked up when Luke came back in, Cory draped over his arm, and calm as could be. “Well, I think we’re the last of whoever was here.” Luke announced as he walked over to Sasha and placed the cat down on her lap. He looked around at the survivors critically. They weren’t warriors except for one woman and the one man that was unconscious. Two girls and two boys looked like they were teenagers, along with one man that looked to be about ten years older than himself who wore a white robe like Marianne had done, and one elderly woman in robes of black. “I promised Marianne that I’d get you to the Black Hills in South Dakota so you can be with people that know your customs and training. But I’m going to leave that decision up to each of you individually. I know that if you’re Marked, like Sasha is here, once you’ve entered one of their holy temple areas or whatever, that you can’t be without it for very long. But I still think you should have the choice of where you go from here. Maybe there’s another place to take you that’s closer to here or closer to your homes? Or maybe you young ones would like to go home?”
He sat down next to Sasha and placed a hand on the unconscious man’s forehead. “Whatever we do, we need to do it quickly. This man needs a hospital.” Sasha murmured quietly to Luke. “I don’t know what that light that came from my hands did, but it wasn’t enough to help him.”
Alright so this one is a bit lengthier than normal but still a lot of good stuff in here. Pay attention.
Your DP: What do they do? Do they attempt to get to a hospital for the injuries suffered? Do they begin their run to South Dakota, or find another place? Got something else in mind? Tell me!
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Very well written, and I really like the way you flesh out Sasha's character! An intriguing story---I wonder what is the history of the organisation. Why did it become their responsibility to fight the demons, and where did it all come from. Lucas' magic (in his bloodline) must be something, if people are willing to put him in charge so quickly...speaking of which, how did they find out about Lucas? By coincidence because they were monitoring Sasha?
For DP, I'd say the hospital. Sasha and Luke had just undergone the speediest "orientation" of this new world which they never suspected existed just moments before. As flexible as they are to world-changing experiences, I believe they'll still cling to some of the "real world" things that they grew up with. Thus, I believe they will insist on bringing the man to a hospital.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 3:14 pm Post subject: |
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Fab new chappie, Lil! Very much enjoyed!
I'm loving the thing you've got going with Cory. He seems very connected to Sasha, and very knowing for an animal. The way he is and behaves is almost like a witch's familiar. It's a nice touch anyway.
Revelations for Luke and Sasha here, and, given the short space of time that they've been in the know about all of this stuff, they need time to get used to it, and learn more about it. For that reason, and because I think the injured people stand a good chance of getting the care that they need from others like them, I'm saying head straight for the Black Hills as Luke promised the dying Marianne, and hopefully they'll be able to get the answers they seek when they arrive. And along the way, they could question some of the other survivors of the attack, and see if they can give them any bits of info.
Great as always, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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LOVED it!! Cory is quickly becoming my favorite character. XD
for the DP, i'd say let's head to the Black Hills. it's what Marianne wanted, and I think it's safe to say we trust her now. It's hard to tell what the followers will do. will they just take his word for it that those were Marianne's instructions? or do they branch out on their own? I'm not sure.
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Voted! Can't wait for the next chapter!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:47 am Post subject: |
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Well I'm all caught up now. I must say I was worried when a circle seemed to be squared very early on with Luke explaining his background and Marianne's recognition of him. But the reveal was good - turning him from hapless tag-along to having a central role in the plot. I've voted for Marianne's last wish - really because they're both dealing with stuff that's much bigger and badder and scarier than them.
By way of critique, there was one thing that bugged me a little, and that was how you identify the characters throughout the narrative. It's good that you're avoiding repetition by finding variation, i.e., not always calling them by their name and not always referring to 'he' or 'she'. But on a few occasions I noticed your variations becoming repetitive in themselves. For example, 'the former bank manager', 'the brunette' - in fact you tend to identify your characters by hair colour a lot. There are lots of different ways you can identify characters; for example comparative traits, such as 'the shorter woman' or 'the older man' as well as relationships (your use of 'his sister' was a good example).
But actually, use of character name or 'he' and 'she' can be repeated more often than we realise before it starts sounding repetetive.
Anyway, not a major problem, just something to consider. Otherwise, I enjoyed this and will be reading the next chapter.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:18 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you CF! That same issue that you're talking about right there is something I'm ALWAYS consciously worried about when I'm writing so I'll stop every so often and go back through to make sure i'm not 'he said, she said' constantly and I'll try to change it to a name or pop in the first description that comes to my mind of that character.
The repitition thing is something I've always been really concerned about with my writing, through drilling of my English teachers, and I don't want to get people bored with hearing the names or the 'he, she, it' thing constantly. I was telling Tikanni and Andolyn the other day in IF Chat that what I'm writing now is really rough, just to get the SG out of my mind and onto the paper, or screen for that matter. (I'll go back and edit big time later, I hope.)
So, you think it would be okay to insert the names a little more than they are already?
*Note: keep voting people! I'm not starting the next chapter for a bit yet! ^_^
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:46 am Post subject: |
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This may sound crazy, but some words are less 'visible' than others. Take the word 'said'. Some people write dialogue and feel they have to vary the dialogue tag so they use 'screamed', 'whispered', 'smiled', 'replied', and so on, when actually you can get away with using nothing more than 'said', (interspersed with lines of dialogue tagged with actions or with no tags at all) and people just don't notice the word 'said' has been repeated that many times.
The same can be said for 'he' and 'she' or the character name, but within reason. Take for an example:
| Quote: | The door was plain with a brass handle, hinges and fastenings, big enough to fill the entirety of the hallway and apparently thick enough to block off any sound from the other side. Luke looked down at Cory, who was leaning up with both paws against the door and meowing plaintively. “Alright, cat, I get it. I’ll open the door for you.” Luke replied, clearing his throat quietly as he twisted the doorknob and pushed the large wooden door open. As soon as it was opened enough for him to squeeze through, the feline darted through the opening.
Apprehensively, the former bank branch manager followed after Cory, pushing the door all the way open and swallowing hard at the sight that greeted him. Marianne and two other white robed figures were lying on the floor of the room beyond at odd angles, red seeping through the abdomen of the robes, unmoving. Quickly, Luke hurried over to Marianne and knelt down beside her, pressing two fingers to the pulse point on her neck. She had a pulse but it was faint as was the shallow breathing pattern her chest rose and fell in. “Marianne, can you hear me?” He whispered, watching the priestesses eyelids flicker in response and then snap open. |
It's established that Luke is the main focus of the scene in the first paragraph. There's no other male moving about, and the cat is identified by its name so there's no confusion. So the words highlighted here could be replaced by a simple 'he'.
There's no right or wrong way; you could argue that you want to remind us of his profession (and therefore his character) at that point because he's about to be met with complete carnage on the other side of the door. But the point I'm making is that you can get away with repeating 'he', 'she' and the character name more easily than a more complicated character identifying phrase.
Hope this helps...
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:00 am Post subject: |
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This is actually one of the reasons why I find it easier to write in 1st person. There's one less ambiguity to worry about.
I'm actually learning a lot from this.
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Lilith
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VenomousAngel
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Beautiful story, Coming along slowly but I believe it will be worth it in the end! Keep up the great work Lil!
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Syranore
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 9:03 am Post subject: |
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Luke seems awfully willing to help out a bunch of people who just kidnapped him. In any case, if he truly wishes to help, tending to the wounded should be the main priority. Can't fight a war with injured soldiers.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:18 pm Post subject: I think. . . . |
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Hmmm, hmmm, interesting, interesting. . . . . Still so much unexplained, still so much in shadow. Makes me excited to see more! Sorry I missed the suggestion and the vote, but I'm all caught up now and can't wait to see what happens next!
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And my first Finished work Death Day
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Lilith
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 8: Earth & Stone
Luke pressed his lips together firmly into a thin line; even his eyes looked like they were straining with tightness in them. “I don’t know what they can do for him, Sasha. If things are as you say… a hospital may not be able to do anything. We really should get him to these people in South Dakota. They would know better how to help him, if he was only… being controlled by whatever that stuff was you said came out of him.” He reasoned to Sasha slowly, as he gazed around at the assorted survivors of the ‘earthquake’. At least that’s what they’ll call it in the papers tomorrow anywhere nearby. Luke thought viciously as he stood up and went over to the middle-aged man in white robes, who was clutching his left shoulder and hissing in pain. “What’s wrong?” Luke asked, not harshly but not in a friendly manner either.
“My shoulder is dislocated. Damn thing always does this whenever I try to move something heavier than I should.” The man’s voice was gruff from pain but he didn’t seem as fierce or as prone to attacking as the mass of teaming leather-clad warriors in the main cavern had.
Luke gripped the man’s arm and looked him in the eye. “I can help you set it. Friend of mine always managed to pull his out in basketball practice. Not sure how but he managed to do it about once a month.” He offered, as calmly as if they weren’t surrounded by other injured people and underground. The man in the white robes gave one short nod and without warning Luke moved his sharply back. There was sickening pop, a groan, and the dislocated shoulder was back where it should have been.
“Thank-you… er… I didn’t catch your name…” The man in white asked slowly; sweat was beading his brow as he clutched his shoulder to keep the joint steady.
“Luke. Luke Henderson... and you are?” Luke offered his hand out to shake the man’s uninjured arm.
“Noah Perkins. Thank-you again.” The man in white replied, wincing as he stood up. “I heard what you and the woman there were discussing about Aiden.” Noah added, crooking his finger to get Luke to move closer so they wouldn’t be overheard by the quartet of teenagers not too far away, talking amongst them quietly.
Luke moved closer and looked over at the unconscious man on the ground that Sasha was trying to keep comfortable. “Is that Aiden?”
Noah nodded. “That’s him. The lady over by the wall, she’s Valerie, his little sister.” He pointed at the female warrior that was tying a length of torn fabric tight about her elbow, flinching whenever she moved it, apparently unscathed otherwise, as her eyes kept flicking to Aiden’s form and back to her elbow. “Aiden and Valerie have been Guardians for the Order since their mother died in an attack in their own home. The Lady Leah herself chose them when the battle was over in Seattle.” Noah informed Luke, who nodded solemnly.
“So, what can we do for Aiden? Take him to a hospital?” Luke asked curiously, intending to continue making suggestions until Noah shook his head slowly.
“No. Aiden’s only hope is the Order’s base in South Dakota. They’ll know how to best help him there… did she really de-possess him?” Noah fixed Luke with a piercing stare, his light blue eyes intense as he waited for an answer.
Luke glanced at Sasha and then back at Noah before he nodded slowly. “Yes, from how she’s describing it… I think she did... but I’m not for sure.” At the shocked look on Noah’s face when he glanced back at Sasha again, Luke could’ve kicked himself. “Could you just... not mention it? At least… not right now?”
“I won’t say a word unless someone asks, Luke Henderson. You should know, however, that not a single Mage or Guardian has been able to de-possess a human body of a demonic spirit in over five hundred years.” Noah turned away from Luke to kneel down beside the elderly woman in black robes and checked to make sure she was alright. “Easy there Elizabeth, it’s just me. You alright, old girl?”
“Of course I’m alright, despite being a bag of bones!” came Elizabeth’s feisty reply, in a heavy Spanish accent as she toddled over to the teenagers sitting in a small square. Noah sighed and followed her over to the teens, speaking in a soft voice to the elderly woman as she jabbered away.
Luke stared after Noah for a minute before he shook his head firmly, and started over toward Valerie. “Hey, you look like you could use some help with that elbow.” He offered, squatting down beside her and taking over the wrapping of the makeshift bandage around her elbow, blood weeping around the edges of the bandages.
Valerie looked up at Luke with mistrust in her green eyes, hissing through clenched teeth when he pulled the bandage tight. “Thank-you.” Her gaze swiveled right back to her brother’s unconscious form, where Sasha was mopping the cold sweat off his forehead.
Luke pressed his lips together tightly at the expression on Valerie’s face. It was one of complete despair, a person who’d lost all hope. “Hey, Noah told me that if we get Aiden to South Dakota, he’s got a chance. Why don’t you help me by telling me where this base is and helping me find transportation?”
“Who died and made you the general?” Valerie’s reply was curt and barbed she turned back to look up at Luke.
Luke heaved a sigh and stood up. “No one did, but I’m not hurt, and I’d like to see everyone get out of here alive. I didn’t have to run up and down collapsing corridors to try and find survivors. But I did because I want to make sure that you people get the help you need. Marianne asked me to.”
Valerie’s face turned back to face Luke and she was silent for a few moments before she replied, “We’re just north of Flagstaff. But we don’t need transportation. There is someone down in the holding cells that can transport her and others from one place to another within a matter of moments. She used to be a Guardian, but her magic was discovered shortly before she was imprisoned and it was deemed to be a danger to other Mages because of the nature of her magic.” Her voice was hushed and rapid as she leaned back and away from him, watching his face.
Luke studied Valerie’s face silently for about thirty seconds before he asked her the obvious questions. “Where are the jail cells? And what is this person’s name?”
“Catarinn.” The female warrior replied. She opened her mouth to say something else, paused and seemed to think better of it. “Her name is Catarinn and the holding cell she’s in is deep down under all the other tunnels. It’s where we put permanent prisoners who have no hope of re-joining society.”
Luke sighed and ran his hand over his face, then reached back and rubbed his neck. “What’re the odds of us getting out of here to a hospital for the injured and just telling the local authorities that we had nothing to do with what happened here?” He asked gravely.
Valerie hesitated as she replied, looking at the unconscious Aiden while she spoke. “If they’re not here already, they soon will be. And they’ll crawl all over this place, naming the causualties victims of a gang war or something similar. It wouldn’t end well for any of us if we went to the police. I don’t know where Catarinn’s cell is but Elizabeth will.” She pointed at the elderly woman in black robes, and as if compelled by Valerie’s point, Elizabeth rose from her sitting position by the teenagers and turned to start walking over to Luke, her dark brown wooden walking stick biting into the debris on the ground.
Without the age lines around Elizabeth’s eyes, no one would be able to tell that the elderly woman was nearing eighty. Her eyes, dark brown and bright with intelligence, sized Luke up and she put her hands on her hips. “Come on boy. As much as I dislike it, Valerie’s right. Catarinn will help us.” She walked past Luke at a pace that defied her age and he followed her, glance back once over his shoulder at the people left in the cavern.
They hadn’t gone very far down the passage when Elizabeth paused and tapped the wall with her walking stick three times. Slowly, the earth and stone parted down the middle and gradually pulled away, revealing a small, narrow and dark tunnel that sloped sharply down. “My magic as they call it, is with the stones and the earth.” Elizabeth explained, smiling at Luke’s shocked look. Like before, the woman’s voice was thick with a Spanish accent but understandable.
“I’m starting to think nothing will surprise me, Ma’am.” Luke replied faintly, peering inside the passageway and then starting down the sharp incline carefully, reaching back to help Elizabeth.
“Oh that sounds like a challenge, hermanito!” Elizabeth replied, backing up and then rushing into the passageway, past Luke and sitting right down on her bum, the incline giving way to a slope that was slick and smooth. Elizabeth let out a loud whoop as she slid down and out of sight. “Vamos!”
“Great, I get stuck with the La Vida Loca old woman.” Luke muttered quietly as he took a few more steps forward and then sat down on the slick, smoothed down portion, gave himself a small push and soon he was zipping down the rock-and-earth slide after Elizabeth. Despite all the weird stuff he’d been through recently, Luke smiled as he landed feet first on a hollowed out cavern about the size of a small bedroom, Elizabeth not too far away from him tapping her walking stick on a door at the far end of the cavern. The smile on his face faded as she pushed the door open slowly with a creak and gestured him inside.
“Catarinn’s in here, hermanito. She stopped eating several days ago, and refused water yesterday, claiming that we were all in danger. The guards took it as a madwoman’s ravings and dismissed it… but she may very well have had a vision of some sort. I’m sorry to say I advised Marianne to ignore her sister’s ravings just yesterday morning and -“
“Wait. Marianne has a sister? She kept calling me her brother.” Luke held his hands up to stop Elizabeth and narrowed his eyes at her.
Elizabeth heaved an old woman’s sigh of regret and disappointment. “Marianne and Catarinn were the twin girls that Priestess Leah gave birth to at the height of her power. Eight years later, she gave birth to you while demons were attacking the base. She tried to work magic too soon after you were born and it weakened her greatly. She died not long after and Marianne, being the twin that was born first, was taken for training to take her mother’s place.”
“And how do you know I’m that same Lucas that Marianne was calling me, Elizabeth?” Luke retorted, his voice going steely as his shoulders tensed up.
Elizabeth gave him a shrewd look. “Because you look like Jacob, your father. And because even after you were sent to a foster home, as Leah’s will ordered us to do, routine guards were watching you, all the time. We lost track of you when you turned seventeen and Catarinn was accused of killing you, as it had been her shift when we couldn’t find you anymore.”
Luke held up a hand to stop Elizabeth again. “Why is it every single explanation I get from any of you people absolutely unfuc-“
“Because this is unfortunately the truth, Lucas.” A quiet raspy voice came from the darkened room beyond the door. After glancing first at Elizabeth, who hung her head and waved her hand indicating that he should go in, Luke stepped inside the room and saw the owner of the voice was a very thin woman with dark brown hair that was matted with snarls and dirt, and grey cold eyes. The petite facial bone structure mirrored that of Marianne’s, with the exception of a long scar down the right side of her face from her brow bone to her lower jaw. Her pants were torn in several places and her shirt had several strips ribbed out of the lower portion of it to wrap around her feet, most of the foot-clothes soaked through with old blood.
“Are you Catarinn?” Luke asked suspiciously, watching the woman with growing apprehension. She cracked a sinister smile and her lower lip split in the center, blood welling up in the cut slowly.
“Yeah, I’m Catarinn, Lucas. You’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.” She replied, smirking still as she stepped into the light of the outer cavern. “Finally came home and met your crazy family, did you? Not what you expected from your birth family, huh?” She let out a taunting, harsh laugh.
Luke frowned hard at the woman before him and looked back at Elizabeth with skepticism, who looked back and gave him an encouraging gesture with her hand. He turned his face back toward Catarinn, his lip curled in disgust. “Let’s get one thing straight here, lady. I’m not related to you or anyone else that’s going around claiming that. I’m just trying to do the right thing by the people upstairs who are hurt. They think you can help them. What I want to know is will you?”
Catarinn’s face broke into a smirk, the skeletally thin fingers running through her matted hair and down her face. “Don’t want to associate with the mental woman, do you, little brother?” She threw her head back and laughed, almost cackled even. “I’ve been imprisoned by the people you want me to help, Lucas… why would I want to help them?” Catarinn replied in a singsong tone of voice, her eyes hardening as the smile vanished from her face. “Give me a reason to help them and I just might.”
Your DP: This isn’t exactly going as we had hoped, now is it? How do they convince Catarinn to help them get everyone to South Dakota using her strange magic?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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LOVE it Lil!! i LOVE Elizabeth...i was cracking up when you threw in the bit about the slide...reminds me of some of the crazy old people i take care of. XD anywho, i know it's harsh, but we could threaten to leave her there in the dark hole if she doesnt help...i mean, she doesnt sound like the type to go for the whole "let's do the right thing here" sort of pep talk...too bad Luke doesn't know she's the one who marked Sasha...then we could pull out the "you owe her" card. ah well...yeah, i'd say threaten, but even that might not work since she also strikes me as the type that would say, "go ahead...i've already been here this long..." who knows though? worth a shot!
loving it, girl! keep it up! =)
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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This is great, Lil! I love reintroduction of Catarinn...I'm curious about her mental state, and suddenly I'm not sure on who's side she's on anymore. Great job!
Catarinn hates her people for imprisoning her. But, I got a feeling she still loves her brother, and is willing to help Luke. I think he should play the family card. He may say he doesn't believe he's one of them, I'm sure deep down he knows it's true.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 6:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Fab chappie, as always, and, like Sagi, I'm liking the reintroduction of Caterinn, and wondering where it might go. I'm not so certain that her loyalty to her brother will come through against the need for revenge at being imprisoned over the years against her people. I think it could go either way personally, and I'm glad that it's so unpredictable. It makes the tale all the more exciting.
I also found Elizabeth to be very amusing. Despite her age, she really comes across as a strong minded and willed woman, and hope she'll be reappearing in the future.
For the dp, I was thinking much along the same lines of Andi at first, in that Luke should try blackmailing Caterinn by threatening her with remaining in her prison. But then I pondered over it for a little while and thought to myself 'How would I feel personally if I'd been blackmailed into helping people who'd made my recent existence pretty much unbearable for the last decade, and for something that she didn't do?' And my conclusion was that I would very, very much feel like going against it on the pure principle. I'm sure that's the way it would be for most other people too, and even if she did consent, I don't think she could be trusted after that. She'd also have lost any trust she may herself have put in her brother Luke.
I say Luke plays upon the fact that she's his older sister and tried to get her to do it for his sake. Play the little brother.
Much enjoyed, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:27 am Post subject: |
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Luke may not believe that he's part of this family, but he is proof of Catarinn's innocence, standing there right in front of her. Whether he thinks they're right about his heritage or not is academic - they can't deny that they were wrong to imprison her.
I'd say make her an offer. If she agrees to help out, then offer her a bet for her freedom.
If Luke can prove that he's not who they think he is, then Catarinn is incarcerated for good. But, if they can prove that he's part of the family, her innocence is proved and she walks free.
Since Luke is convinced he's right, he'll be confident that he'll win the bet and Catarinn will be safely locked up again once she's transported everyone to safety.
But Catarinn knows she's innocent now, so I think she'll take up the bet.
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:30 am Post subject: |
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| Voted!
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Syranore
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| Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 7:30 am Post subject: |
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Let her rot if she won't help. Not like any loyalty is owed to anyone here, much less someone who actively refuses to help the wounded.
_________________
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:43 pm Post subject: Vote |
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I vooooted. I don't see any reason to keep her after she helps for now, and I also don't see her helping JUST 'cause of relations. So, set the woman free after she helps sounds good to me!
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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Based solely on everyone's reaction to the DP, I broke the tie. Crunchy has a point, but I don't see how Luke has any position to promise her freedom with any sort of certainty- and if he can't get her free after she helps him, it's just going to make things worse. Better to ham up the sibling love.
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Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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Lilith
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 5:55 am Post subject: Chapter 9: The Price |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 9: The Price
Elizabeth made a noise of disapproval at Catarinn’s speech, and at that, Catarinn herself focused her gaze on the elderly woman. “Good to see you in such good health Elizabeth. Was it not you who told the Council that I was too dangerous to be out on my own?” The crazed woman made air-quotes with her fingers before she cackled again and turned away from both Luke and Elizabeth, her emaciated figure sauntering back into the shadows with ease. “You know what I want, don’t you Lucas? I want OUT. I want to be free to breathe the fresh air again, to touch my feet to the green grass of an overgrown garden. So if you can get that for me, I’ll save your precious remnants of Eden’s Temple.”
Luke glanced at Elizabeth, at a loss for words, wondering what he should say. Elizabeth however was glaring hard at Catarinn and soon she shook her walking stick at the younger woman, stepping forward and shouting in rapid Spanish, some English mixed in as well. “Foul!” and “Abomination of nature!” were the only English phrases that Luke could make out from Elizabeth’s angry tirade.
Far from offended, however, Catarinn seemed amused by Elizabeth’s outrage. She chuckled darkly as she paused, half hidden by the shadows she’d walked towards, her back still to the both of them. “Tut, tut, Elizabeth. If my sister could hear you swearing like that... but she can’t now, can she? She’s passed on from this life, I felt her blood-binding flee my flesh within the moment of her death.”
Elizabeth let out a shuddering gasp of shock and stamped her staff down on the floor hard. A slight shudder ran through the earth, emanating from the old woman herself but only a shudder. “Impossible. Marianne would never have used blood in a binding - “
“Oh but she did, dear sweet Elizabeth.” Catarinn cut Elizabeth’s explanation off as she turned around to face both Luke and her, her storm grey eyes fixed on the elderly Spanish woman. “You see, the only way to keep me complaint was to bind me, and the only way to bind me was to use a blood relative. And since all of you thought our little brother here dead, she had to use her own.” Now that steely gaze was turned onto Luke but it seemed softer perhaps, a hidden amount of affection in them flickered through Catarinn’s face before she set her jaw again. “Your precious Lady Marianne would leave nothing to chance concerning me. But of course, she never expected her life would be in danger or ended prematurely.”
“Enough!” Luke’s voice rang out sharply and he gave each woman a hard look. “Both of you, that is quite enough. Elizabeth, wait outside. I want to speak with Catarinn alone.” The old woman stiffened at Luke’s order and drew herself up to argue.
“I don’t think it wise to - “ She began but was soon cut off by Luke’s curt reply.
“If she wanted to kill me, shouldn’t I already be dead? Isn’t that why you lot think her magic is so dangerous? You think she killed me or her brother ten years ago? Well, since all of you Eden bunch are insisting I’m her brother, I guess she didn’t kill me, now did she? So, please, Elizabeth, give me five minutes to speak to her in private. Alright?” This entire situation was becoming far too ridiculous for Luke to accept and there was a nasty headache forming above his eyes. He rested a couple fingers against his temple lightly and closed his eyes, waiting for Elizabeth to leave.
He heard the grating of earth and stone that told him Elizabeth had grudgingly granted his request and left him alone with the possibly insane woman. Luke didn’t move right away, and it was Catarin who broke the silence with a loud long whistle. Luke removed his hand from over his face and opened his eyes to give her a flat look. She smirked and folded her thin arms over her front. “Didn’t you grow up into a strapping young lad?” She was appraising him, as if as proud of him as she could have been, were she his mother.
Luke groaned internally and reached up to wipe grit out of the inner corner of his eye. “Look, Catarinn,” He began slowly, his voice polite and quite neutral. “I have had the weirdest few days recently and it would be really nice if you could not complicate things anymore than they already are. Sure, I might be your long lost brother. And if I am, don’t you want to do everything in your power to help me? Isn’t that why they thought I was dead for ten years? Because you did something to take me off their radar?” He looked over at her coolly and was surprised to find Catarinn standing there with her hands clasped together in front of her, looking almost demure.
Her chest heaved with a slow, great sigh and she looked sad, rather than snarky and arrogant for once. “Yes, Lucas. I did. And I’m glad you were able to grow up in a family where you wouldn’t have to look over your shoulder every day. Where none of this applied to you. But it seems no matter what I’ve done, it caught up to you in the end, didn’t it?” She didn’t sound crazy now; in fact, she sounded quite sad and remorseful.
Luke glanced around to make sure that Elizabeth was indeed gone and then approached Catarinn slowly putting a hand on her shoulder and squeezing gently. “Why didn’t you tell them the truth? That I wasn’t dead?”
Her eyes watered and she inhaled sharply, sniffing slightly. “Because they would’ve searched for you, Lucas. If I let them believe you were dead, then they wouldn’t bother searching. They’d leave you alone to grow up and live a normal life, instead of one full of magic, demons and the Charge to protect the ignorant.” She swiped at her eyes with the back of one grey-looking hand and let out a little shuddering sigh. Luke stared at her, floored that someone he didn’t know could have this much affection for him.
He squeezed her shoulder again, feeling really awkward when suddenly she flung her arms around his waist and squeezed him, breaking out into a full out sobbing fit. He stiffened in surprise and shock and felt how thin Catarinn truly was; her arms were barely sticks and he could barely feel the amount of strength left in them when she hugged him, yet she seemed to be clinging onto him for dear life. Way to go, dumbass. You make women you don’t even know cry.
Luke patted Catarinn’s back gently, not sure what else to do as she her sobs grew softer and she murmured things like ‘my baby brother’ and ‘can’t escape this stupid life’. “Uhm, Catarinn, listen. It’s nice that you care about me and all, but the people up top… they need your help. A lot of them are injured… and there’s one guy… I think he was possessed, but it’s gone now, and he needs help bad.”
At the sound of the phrase “he was possessed” Catarinn let out a startled choking noise and leapt back from Luke and looked up at him in shock. “He was possessed but it’s gone now? How is it gone? When they take someone, they take their soul and bind it with their essence. It’s impossible to extricate a demon when they’ve possessed someone, Lucas.” She caught sight of the pensive look on his face and her brow furrowed in concern. “Lucas?”
He tapped his thumb with his finger. “Catarinn, I know someone who can do it. She has already without even knowing she can do it. She’s upstairs too, and she’s scared.” Luke looked up and met Catarinn’s eyes. “Will you help them? For me?” He asked quietly, a slight plea in his voice.
Catarinn’s storm grey eyes met Luke’s warm almond-colored ones and she sighed heavily, her shoulders falling in defeat. “Yes, Lucas. For you, I will help them.” She conceded, walking toward the door of the her prison and knocking three times to let Elizabeth know they were done talking in private.
The little old Spanish lady soon opened the door and stepped in, eyeing both Catarinn and Luke up beadily. “Well? Will she consent to give assistance?” She asked, looking at Luke finally.
It was Catarinn who answered Elizabeth’s question however, drawing herself up to her full height and seeming to gain an aura of power, of respect as she did so. “Yes, I will assist the remnants of Eden’s temple, Elizabeth.”
Elizabeth looked startled at being addressed directly by Catarinn but gave a slight nod nonetheless and waved them both out of the room. “Come on then. I’ll be collapsing this entire place when we get everyone out. Let’s go.”
Luke and Catarinn stepped into the antechamber at the elderly lady’s urging and after some fussing and a few muttered curses under her breath, Elizabeth tapped the earth once with her walking stick and the earth began to rumble gently beneath them, rising like a platform up into the air, zipping them right past the stone slide the old woman had created earlier. Catarinn, Luke noticed, had to grip both Elizabeth and his shoulders gently for balance when the platform shuddered to a halt before the entrance to the tunnels in the main temple. How long has she been refusing food? He wondered as they stepped off the earth platform and followed Elizabeth back into the tunnels. Had she really given up hope that they would release her one day?
Luke’s thoughts kept him busy until they finally returned to the cavern where the wounded were waiting, tense as deer about to spring across the highway at high noon. Sighs of relief were audible around the room when they saw Luke and Elizabeth, but those that were inhabitants of the temple looked warily at Catarinn as she stepped into the cavern after them, more than a little concerned. Sasha, however was the one who rose to her feet, glaring at Catarinn hard. “You!” She pointed directly at Catarinn, looking furious. Catarinn’s nostrils flared and her grey eyes went steely as if bracing herself for a fight. “So it’s you then, is it? The one who can unravel a demon’s essence from a human soul? I remember you, child. When you were a teenager and you had nothing more to occupy yourself with other than what style to do your hair for scho-“
“You did this to me. You bitch!” Sasha cut off Catarinn’s cold, uncaring tone and rolled her sleeve up to show the mark on her upper arm before advancing toward Catarinn. Luke started to step between them and Catarinn waved an arm through the air, a ripple of power travelling through it toward Sasha, as if in warning.
Sasha paused and stood still, still glaring at Catarinn. “I did not Mark you, girl. Marianne’s selection of those on the Search for fresh blood did. But it is my fault you were Marked. She did it to gain an imprisonment sentence for me from the Council, instead of death.” She then turned to address the room at large. “I have the power to move all of us, instantly, from here to the Black Hills and to the Temple of Lorein, the second temple in Eden’s fallback network. If you want to get out of here before Elizabeth collapses it to hide Eden from discovery of the ignorant, you will shut your trap and stand together. And stand still when I begin the spell.” She added, with a sharp look in the direction of the teenagers.
Elizabeth glared with an almost hateful expression at Catarinn as she walked toward Sasha and pulled the brunette away from her own glaring match with the other woman and gestured that she needed help moving the unconscious soldier on the ground closer to the others as the rest of the group, including Luke began to rise and move to surround the thin woman in the center of the room.
Soon enough, they were assembled around Catarinn in a circle and she gave Elizabeth a sharp nod to begin the series of gentle earthquakes that would destroy the tunnels and all that lay within it. As the earth began to rumble for what seemed like the thousandth time that night, Catarinn began to hum wordless notes and move her arms sharply through the air, drawing symbols in the air. As her spell grew to a crescendo, she gave a sharp turn and all of them felt like they were suddenly compressed into nothingness for a single fearful instant, and then they were breathing deeply of air scented with crisp clean pine, not dirt and stone soaked in blood.
But before they could breathe a sigh of relief there was a sharp shout and people surrounded them with spears and sharp weapons not unlike the ones the Guardians of Eden wielded when Sasha and Luke arrived. “Who are you heathens? Demons?” One of the men shouted in an aggressive grunt as women on either side of him jabbed forward with spears to keep the group from breaking apart.
Before Elizabeth or Luke or anyone could fight their way out to make themselves heard and to explain, Catarinn collapsed, falling forward onto the hard ground, blood trickling from the corner of her mouth, from her nose and from the inside corners of her eyes. She was deathly pale, almost grey
Your DP: Well, we got out of there. But what have we gotten ourselves into? The Temple of Lorein doesn’t seem quite friendly to strangers even if they fight the same fight. And can Catarinn possibly recover from this or is she already too far gone from using this much power in a weakened state?
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Tue Sep 11, 2012 8:29 am; edited 2 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:09 am Post subject: |
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Hey Lil!
Wow, fab chapter, and I'm loving Catarinn's character as she grows! Despite her years imprisoned and alone, she seems to have retained that air of being in charge, and, to be honest, I cannot help but warm to her due to everything she's been through, especially since she brought it upon herself just to save Luke from the life she'd grown up with.
I noticed this one little typo...
| Quote: | | Sighs of relief were audible around the room when they saw Luke and Elizabeth, but those that were inhabitants of the tmple looked warily at Catarinn as she stepped into the cavern after them, more than a little concerned. |
And this...
| Quote: | | Elizabeth however was glaring hard at Catarinn and soon she shook her walking stick at Catarinn, stepping forward and shouting in rapid Spanish, some English mixed in as well. |
Maybe change the second one to 'the other woman' or 'the younger woman' or something similar, just to resume the flow that precedes and follows.
For the dp...I'm thinking that the people with the spears are going to be merely guards for the temple, and aren't going to wish them any harm once they know who they are. It's just a matter of explaining it to them, which I'm sure Elizabeth will be capable of doing well enough.
As for Catarinn, I'm thinking Luke is a nice enough chap that, even though he's still not wholly convinced that they're brother and sister yet, he'll be grateful and touched by the fact that Catarinn has put herself through so much suffering and possibly made a fatal mistake in helping everyone escape at Luke's own request now. He'll get to her, and make sure they she's taken care of.
I wasn't entirely sure on what the DP was, so I hope that will suffice for an option. *giggles*
Much enjoyed, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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Fantastic chapter, Lilith! Aptly named too, because now I'm wondering if it's named after the deal made with Catarinn, or what happened at the end.
Like Tika, I believe Luke is still skeptical about his heritage, but he's also a kind and gentle person. Whatever happened to Catarinn, I believe he's guilt-wrecked by what happened, and will now compensate for it by tending to her. Even if he doesn't know what to believe.
And yes, let's hear Elisabeth and Sasha take charge with diffusing the situation while Luke tends to his alleged sister.
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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Love it, Lil! sorry it took so long to get to this!
We can't kill her NOW!! I like her! Those symptoms sound pretty grim though...
I'm going to f5 tika on this one.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 5:41 am Post subject: I Think. . . . . . |
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Another fabulous chapter Lilith-chan. The sudden switch of Cat's personality just seemed to fit right there. At least now we know why she was imprisoned.
For the DP. . . . . .Pull some really kool magic thing where he reacts to her fall and the threat with some sort of magical barrier or something. Our heroin has a really neat gift, s'bout time Luke flexed his mystic muscles!
Keep'em comin' Lil-chan!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Lilith
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 12:13 am Post subject: |
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| I'm not sure about Linear. I think we just had a slow 2 weeks then.
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Lilith
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| Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 10: The Temple of Lorein
Catarinn had transported them to an open clearing in the center of a dense growth of coniferous trees. Not a single person could tell whether or not it was just one grove or if they were in the center of a very thick wood. At the guard’s shouting however, the refugees from Eden seemed to shrink together, as if they were ready to just go back to the temple and let themselves be buried in earth and debris while the tunnels collapsed instead of facing the warriors before them.
Elizabeth raised her walking stick in the air and started shouting back at the warriors surrounding them. “We are not demons! We are from the first Temple! The first Temple of Eden has fallen! We are survivors and request aid and shelter from the second Temple, our neighbors and brothers and sisters in arms!” The old woman’s face was neutral and gave nothing away as she stood her ground when the burly speaker approached her from the Temple of Lorein’s guards.
“You there, elder woman.” He said, glaring down at the tiny Spanish lady. “How did you come to be here without using demonic power? That is not Temple-magic.” He demanded, fists clenched around the handle of his spear, as though he longed to use it even though he’d planted the point firmly into the earth by his feet. The burly spearman was about six feet, three inches tall with dark-tanned skin, chocolate brown eyes and hair the color of sun bleached straw on a summer’s day. With his lean musculature, he could probably throw a javelin the length of a football field without breaking a sweat.
“You, sir, will mind your elders! I am Elizabeth, as I said before, and I control the earth and stone that you walk on every day!” Elizabeth shouted back in her crotchetiest manner, waving her walking stick at him and then slamming its point down on the ground, making the earth quiver with a pulse of her power. When the earth shook, the guards all gave each other a nervous glance before looking to their leader and nodding.
“My apologies, Elizabeth. You may call me Craig. We’ve never seen a magic that can transport through the Void before… except when the demons are exiting their realm and slashing into ours to try and destroy us.” The leader replied hastily, reaching out and offering the elderly woman his hand. “I will open the temple and announce you right away.” He added, retracting the offered limb when Elizabeth’s sharp eyes narrowed and she twirled her walking stick in her hand menacingly. He turned and nodded to his comrades, stepping away from Elizabeth as two of the guards move forward, leather boots crunching on the leaves that littered over the ground.
The two guards placed each of their left hands on a large boulder that was very close to a tall pine tree not far away from the group’s vicinity. They muttered words in a foreign language under their breath then stepped away. For a moment, nothing happened… until the stone suddenly cracked sharply, right through the middle and fell away into to two pieces, revealing a square hole cut into the earth that sloped gently downwards with roughly hewn stone steps set into the dirt. Just past the final step, the dirt turned into polished white marble that’s been well cared for but a solid oak door with a shiny brass handle blocked the passage from opening any further.
A third guard put down the spear he’d been carrying at a quick nod from Craig and jogged down the steps to wrest open the door. “Come on, injured and conscious first.” Craig called in a louder voice as he started for the steps to help the refugees that needed assistance in getting down the steep steps. “The rest of you, back to your duties.” He then ordered to the other guards, who all disappeared back into the shadows of the trees and brush at their leader’s command while the refugees shuffle forward to the steps, most nursing injuries, others just shaking with exhaustion, fear or a combination of both.
Luke managed to struggle free and move forward to kneel down next to Catarinn’s prone form, turning her over and checking for a pulse. “She’s very weak, Elizabeth. It’s like her body is struggling to move the blood hard enough to even give me a pulse on her neck.” He said urgently, looking around from the guards to Elizabeth to the other refugees for help. No one stepped forward and he looked back down at Catarinn, concern written all over his face. If she stops breathing… it’s my fault… I asked her to do this… I asked her to bring us here at great personal risk to herself, and I’m not even her brother… Guilt crashed over him in waves and he was so absorbed in it that he didn’t realize until a soft touch across the back of his hand made him jerk slightly. He looked up and straight into Sasha’s eyes; she’d fought her way free of the crowd and had moved to bend down and help him sit Catarinn upright, to help her breath easier.
“Come on, up you get.” Sasha murmured to the woman, her brow furrowed slightly. “I’ve still got to have a chat with you about this Mark on my arm, so you can’t be dying on me just yet.” She added, glancing up at Luke encouragingly, meeting his gaze and giving him a smile. “Help me. I can’t exactly hold her up on my own here.” She said, waving at Catarinn’s partially slouched over form.
“Oh, right. Sorry.” Luke apologized as he held up Catarinn’s other side and slowly, but steadily, the two of them brought the collapsed former Guardian to her feet and each threw an arm about their shoulders. “Where can we take her?” Luke asked the leader of Lorein’s guards, after he was done helping to direct the uninjured teenagers to where they should go.
“To the first door on your left in the temple. Ask for Healer Adam. He’ll put her right if anyone can.” Craig grunted in response, before glancing between him and Elizabeth. “Our Lady will want to speak with you, Revered Elder. If you are uninjured, I can lead you to her chambers.” He offered, turning back started pulling the heavy door shut again behind them once the last of the refugees had filed into the marble tunnel.
Elizabeth stood at her full height, squinting up at Craig as she was surveying him again before giving him a slight nod. “That would be acceptable, sonny.” She pointed at Luke and Sasha, who were struggling with Catarinn being dead weight. “Those two are not to leave us just yet, however. I want a word with your lady about the girl especially.” She stated aloud just as Sasha managed to open the first door on the left as they’d been directed before. Then Craig nodded and led Elizabeth down the marble corridor and out of sight.
Luke and Sasha, having heard Elizabeth’s comment, looked at one another briefly, each knowing that the other was wondering the same thing: Are we ever going to get out of here and go back to our normal lives?
They were startled out of their reverie by a sharp voice nearby. “What are you two doing in here, you’re not inju- oh…” Luke and Sasha had turned with their burden toward the speaker, noting his white robes marked him as a magic-user and not one of the guardians. Green eyes looked up and down Catarinn’s unconscious body as a hand came up to press the inside of his wrist to her forehead. “Bring her here. There’s a free bed in the back corner.” He beckoned them to follow him to an empty bed that was barely twin-sized in a simple metal frame and sterile white sheets along with a single pillow were the only things that covered the average mattress.
Luke and Sasha lifted Catarinn carefully into the bed as they could and then Sasha turned to the white-robed man starting to approach her. “Craig told us to ask for Adam to see to her? Healer Adam?” The white-robed man nodded slowly, grabbing a wheeled stool and sitting down on it as he felt for Catarinn’s pulse on her wrist. “You’ve found him, miss. If you two are alright, however, I would make myself scarce before I put you to work in the ward here. I’ve got far too few helping hands.”
They shared a glance again before looking back at Healer Adam as he pulled a normal doctor’s stethoscope out of his robe pocket and put it in his ears, placing the endpiece’s flat-side down on Catarinn’s chest, apparently listening first to her heartbeat and then each of her lungs as her shallow inhales made her chest rise and fall slightly every so often. When Adam took the stethoscope out of his ears, Luke spoke up. “We’d like to stay for her. And we’ll help if you need it. There’s not much we can do magic-wise, but we can keep things clean and help administer fluids. But please, tell us… will Catarinn live?”
Adam looked from Luke’s to Sasha’s face before he spoke, looking solemn. “It’s like she’s had a hard blow to the head. She’s in a deep coma, but I don’t see any contusions and I’ve slipped my magic through her body to check for a hemorrhage on her brain and there’s nothing there. It’s just like her spirit, her mind, all of her just decided to give up. There’s nothing I can do for her at this time. She’s going to have to come out of it on her own or…” He paused and shook his head.
“Or what, sir?” Sasha breathed, stepping forward and placing her hand on his arm, gripping it very tightly, her face strained and pale, glancing from Catarinn back to the Healer.
Adam looked down into Sasha’s eyes with a sad expression. “If she doesn’t come out of it on her own, she will die within a week, maybe two. I can’t be sure of exact timing, but her body won’t last much longer in this state.”
Your DP: Well, well, well… what have we gotten ourselves into this time? Do Luke and Sasha stay in the ward and try to help Catarinn somehow? Do they escape and try to pass the guards outside? Or do they do something else entirely? It’s up to you my clever and patient readers!
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© 2007-2019 Lilith
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome, Lil, as usual!
I'm glad that Luke and Sasha aren't looking upon Catarinn's condition as being an easy way to leave, now that she's out of the way. I'm liking Luke in particular. From what we've heard so far, I'd say he's most certainly going to be Catarinn's missing brother and feeling obligated to care about her now will very likely only make them closer if/when she wakes up...which I really hope she does, as I really like the character, and I think she deserves more for what she's suffered.
For the DP...I think they should stick around and help Healer Adam, mainly because they'll be in close proximatey to Catarinn, and Luke will have ample opportunity to try and get through to her in her comatose state before it's too late. She got herself into the mess she's in for him, starting right from when he was a little boy, knowing what she would suffer for it. She's now at deaths door, and again, she did it for Luke. If anyone is going to help pull her back, it will be him. Every opportunity he gets, he should sit by her side, hold her hand and talk to her, hoping that something will get through.
Much enjoyed, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 3:30 am Post subject: |
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Great chapter, as usual, Lil'!
How I see it, there's no way Luke will leave Catarinn, so he'll stick around the infirmary to help. Sasha, on the other hand, will explore the place and attempt to learn as much as possible about this strange new world they didn't know existed.
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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sorry so late, Lily! not sure how i missed this one...anywho, i loved it as usual! Elizabeth makes me giggle. she's so spunky. XD
i'm going to go with everyone else here and say that we stick around the infirmary. it sounded like Elizabeth would be coming back for us soon anyways.
keep going!! lol!
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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Arrgh! I missed voting! 
Luckily, the winning vote was what I would've voted too.
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Seraphi
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 10:13 am Post subject: |
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Falling behind at work be damned, it was well worth it! This is an amazing story Lilith!
Sorry I couldn't get enough time to read it earlier, and that I missed the poll for this round. I agree with the winning vote, though, so all's well that ends well I suppose!
I am really liking Catarinn's character, even though she has only been with us in the story in short spurts so far. I hope she survives this bout, as I would greatly like to see her interact with Luke and watch their sibling bond grow. I'm also intrigued by her potential relationship with Sasha. It seems like Sasha's brand of magic is a scarce as Catarinn's, so they could be thrown together into a teacher/pupil circumstance, with a dubious friendship/respect coming from it.
The only way to find out is to read more, so I excitedly await the next chapter!
_________________
"The aim of literary ambition is to demonstrate one's greatness of soul."
-Mason Cooley
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Lilith
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:17 pm Post subject: |
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Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 11: The Balance of Power
Sasha looked over at Luke, her brown eyes wide with concern, seeing the same expression reflected back at her from Luke’s face. “I’m going to check on my other patients. You two can stay or you can leave, it’s your choice.” Adam said, making a note on a clipboard and moving away from both of them. Luke approached Sasha slowly but before he could open his mouth, Sasha held up a finger to silence him.
“Look at this place, Luke.” She said in an undertone, her own eyes surveying the ward with interest and calculation. “This isn't a hospital ward, it’s a stone cavern, just like back in the other temple or whatever it was. How is she going to live here without fluids being intravenously given to her when she’s like this…” Sasha’s voice became urgent as she placed her hands on his forearms and gripped them tightly.
He sighed heavily and draped an arm around Sasha’s shoulders, using her furthest one to turn her and point after Adam, as he settled himself beside one of his other female patients and placed his hand on top of hers. While Luke and Sasha watched, the hand Adam had on the patient’s began to glow faintly, as if illuminated just beneath the surface, and the glow soon passed into the patient’s skin and traveled up her arm into the rest of her body. “I think that’s how they take care of patients here, instead of with all the IVs and beeping machines and whatnot.” Luke muttered in an undertone to his companion.
Sasha rubbed her hands over her upper arms, as if chilled suddenly and sighed. “I guess we better help then, shouldn't we?” She asked, glancing up at Luke, who nodded down at her. She exhaled all of the air in her lungs in one big whoosh before taking a deep breath and starting to walk toward the nearest person in a bed, when Elizabeth returned to the infirmary and pointed directly at her.
“You, child. You come with me. Luke, you may stay here with Catarinn.” She commanded with a wave of her hand and shake of her walking stick. Sasha, however, stood her ground and narrowed her eyes at the small Hispanic woman.
“Can you at least tell me why I have to go with you? Just for once in this entire messed up day, or week, or however long I've been with you people, I’d like to know what the hell I’m getting into.”
Elizabeth’s eyes flashed briefly and she sucked in air, seeming to swell with power but only for a moment, then she returned to being the petite elderly woman with a walking stick. “I’m taking you to see Lorein’s lady, Sonya. She’s bound to know more about your power and how we're to use you in this war than I do.” Her voice wasn't unkind but the firmness in her tone brokered no argument.
Sasha gave a slight nod and started after Elizabeth, only pausing when Luke reached out and squeezed her shoulder encouragingly. “I’ll stay with Catarinn.” He reassured her before releasing her and going to sit on the edge of the unconscious Guardian’s bed.
The ghost of a smile flickered over the younger woman’s lips as she squeezed Luke’s hand in response and then turned to go, a whispered Thanks, clinging to the air between them. She couldn't explain it, but somehow, Sasha felt responsible for Catarinn now that the latter was so close to death’s door. She followed Elizabeth and her walking stick through the stone tunnels, not unlike the ones they had just left, only made of dark gray rock rather than red dirt and sandy earth colored ones, the soft tap, tap of the stick muffled by the slight rustle of Elizabeth’s cloak. The only light they could see by came from the torches that were set into brackets along the twisting, winding halls and showed that these tunnels were older than Eden’s, the multiple stones polished to a high shine and the tunnels reinforced with bracing at intervals and turns.
Eventually, the older woman stopped in front of a large boulder leaning against the wall, blocking their path; Sasha almost stumbled into the smaller woman at the sudden stop, as her thoughts had been back in the infirmary with Catarinn and Luke, wondering if she’d woken up yet or if she was still in the comatose-like slumber. She looked at the boulder and then looked at Elizabeth, confused.
The old woman smiled briefly and gave the boulder a slight tap with her stick, making the large stone crumble into nothing more than dust, revealing a comfortably-sized cavern within that reminded Sasha of a fussy old lady’s living room. However the woman sitting in the armchair that faced the entryway, while undeniably old by the white of her hair and the lines in her face, was anything but fussy.
Emerald green eyes that were bright and clever regarded Sasha with something akin to curiosity as the woman in the chair rose, and despite her average height, the woman seemed to draw to her a cloak of power and respect. Obviously, this was someone to not trifle with. “Are you Sasha?” The question was asked politely yet the stern set to Sonya’s jaw indicated that she expected an answer.
Sasha stepped forward and gave the woman a nod. “Yes, ma’am. I am Sasha. Elizabeth said you’d know… what to do...” About me… Her mind finished the phrase for her, but Sonya was already nodding, moving forward gracefully and reaching out to run a hand down Sasha’s cheek. The woman’s hand was warm and comforting, as was the scent of cinnamon that seemed to emanate from her very skin. Her eyes stared into Sasha’s for a long time, making the younger woman feel uncomfortable to stare into them for too long but she couldn't look away.
Elizabeth gave a little cough and Sonya pulled her gaze from Sasha to the Hispanic woman, her face breaking into a wide smile as she leaned over to embrace the shorter woman. “Lizzie, you are looking well in your golden years.” Sonya greeted, as Elizabeth reached up and patted Sonya’s cheek fondly.
“And age has been far kinder to a Priestess who does not travel than it has with Earth’s servant.” The Hispanic woman quipped with a smile.
Sasha watched the exchange and bit down on her lower lip to keep from smiling; they were teasing each other like old friends. Sonya then turned to wave an arm imperiously at Sasha and Elizabeth both, beckoning them to come further into her home. “Come, both of you. We have much to discuss, and I’m afraid the majority is not joyful.” She pulled out a chair from a small wooden table and indicated that Sasha and Elizabeth should sit with her at the other two chairs that were there. On the table a tray with fruit, cheese and a pitcher of water sat, as if waiting for them. “But first, we eat.” Sonya said decisively, pouring glasses of water for all of them and waving her hand at the plate, looking first at Sasha and then at Elizabeth. “Then we can talk.”
***
After Sasha left, Luke sat back down on the edge of Catarinn’s bed and held the older woman’s hand, feeling guilty each time he thought about how cool her skin felt, rather than warm and pulsing with life as it should be. What was it that you did that was so dangerous and did this to you? Did you know when we asked you to move us that this would happen? Questions chased themselves through his mind, one after the other while he sat there and eventually, he couldn't take it anymore.
“Adam, I’m going for a walk. I need the fresh air.” Luke called quietly to the healer that was just rounding one of the beds as he stood up and slid his hands in his pockets. Adam hesitated, looking like he was about to argue but then shrugged and waved a hand at the door.
“Just be careful. Elizabeth wouldn't be pleased if Catarinn’s sacrifice was in vain.” Adam cautioned quietly after Luke’s retreating back.
Resisting the urge to scoff at Adam, Luke stepped out of the room and headed back toward the mouth of the tunnels at a swift jog, years of high school sports and workouts making his long lean muscles adjust to the change in pace easily. He had almost hit his stride when one of the guards at the entrance stuck out an arm and stopped him.
“It is ill advised to leave here now, sir. We can’t be sure the things that caused the first temple to fall didn't follow you here.” He informed Luke, who looked more than a little annoyed.
“Look, I’m just going for a walk, I just need to get a little air… in case you haven’t realized it, I've been through a lot lately and it’s a lot to process.” Luke reasoned, shifting uncomfortably under the guard’s piercing gaze, who looked unconvinced and finally blew out his breath in a large whoosh of expelled air.
“Alright, but don’t be gone long. And don’t mention to Craig I let you walk out of here without an escort. I've been where you are… my family was murdered by those things and Sonya’s guard found me alone and confused.” The guard replied, stepping aside to let Luke pass by him. “So I can understand the need to get some fresh air.”
A ghost of an understanding smile flickered over the guard’s face as Luke gave him a nod of thanks and walked past him, taking the steps up two at a time and inhaling the slightly chilly night air as he emerged onto the side of the hill or mountain that the tunnels were carved into. Luke looked around but didn't see anyone else so he headed for a copse of trees not too far away from the tunnels and ducked under a low branch to disappear into them. They were tall pine trees and just being surrounded by them made the former bank manager feel calmer, so he plopped down to sit on the roots of the largest tree there, leaning his back against the rough bark and holding his face in his hands while he thought.
I have a general idea that I’m in South Dakota, my career is over I’m sure since I haven’t turned up for work and no one has called the bank from the hospital or the police station. I probably have enough money in my accounts to get me home, if I could get to a bus station or an airport or something, but I have no idea how far away one would be from wherever in the hell I am...
Just as Luke had almost summoned up the courage to turn around and head back to the tunnels, he heard a stick crack and looked up sharply. To his front and left, there was nothing… but to his right was a smoky-shapeless figure that glided closer to him each second that passed. “You…..” the creature growled, its voice making Luke’s teeth go on edge from the similarity of fingernails on a chalkboard. He scrambled to his feet quickly but almost as quickly went down as the creature lashed out one long smoky tendril and wrapped it around his ankles in a vice-like grip.
He swore and reached down to try and wrench the tendril away when he felt more tendrils lash out and bind his arms tightly to his sides. “You... are their hope… and now… belong to ussssss…” The creature hissed in his face, its breath reminding Luke of road-kill that had sat in the sun for three days. The last thing Luke could remember was struggling to get free of the creature’s grip when another tendril of smoke waved in front of his face, touching his bare skin and making him shout with pain as it ripped pieces of flesh from his body, the chill emanating from the creature’s touch doing nothing to numb the pain before it seemed to sink into his skin through the open wounds it had just made, following the blood back to its source.
***
The fruit, cheese and water had been consumed by the three woman sitting around the table, and after a little prodding from Elizabeth, Sonya turned her attention to Sasha and regarded the younger woman pensively. Finally, she sighed heavily and shook her head. “I can’t make sense of it, Elizabeth. Sasha was not supposed to be brought into this; she has no direct relative to the Order nor a spiritual commitment to our cause. Catarinn should not have been able to Mark her as a replacement. And her gift makes her much more than a Guardian or indeed, any mage that has ever come into my care.”
Sasha’s mouth dropped open a little in awe as she sent a panicked look in Elizabeth’s direction, but the old woman held up a hand to stop her. “Sonya, does this mean she can return?”
Sonya gazed at Sasha a few moments longer before she held out her hand to Sasha. “Show me the brand, child.” She said gently, and after a quick glance at Elizabeth, who gave her a reassuring nod, Sasha rolled up the sleeve of her shirt and scooted her chair closer to Sonya, so the priestess could see the brand better.
Gently, Sonya traced the brand with one long finger and at the older woman’s touch, Sasha gasped. She felt a gentle heat radiating around and through coils of the mark, unmistakably from the priestess’s touch. She looked up to meet Sonya’s eyes quickly but instead of hope, Sasha saw only sadness as Sonya shook her head at her. “No, she must be in a temple, and trained. The Mark is binding. I don’t know what Marianne and Catarinn were thinking when this was done, but it should not have been done.”
“P-please! Isn't there anything you can do? Can’t you remove it or something if it wasn't supposed to happen?” Sasha clutched at the priestess’s hand in desperation, pleading for something, anything to let her go home and forget this whole mess.
Sonya opened her mouth to reply when two guards ran into the room, panting and out of breath, giving the priestess a little bow before blurting out, “Lady Sonya! They've taken him! They took Luke from the grove!”
“Who?!” Sonya demanded as she rose from her chair, regal as any queen, her green eyes going hard in anger.
“The enemy, my lady! Demons broke the barrier of the hills and took him. They left a blood puddle but not enough to have caused him death.” The other guard said, standing up straighter now that he’d caught his breath, but when he met Sonya’s thunderous gaze, he thought better of it, lowering his eyes back to the ground.
“Show me!” Sonya commanded with the wave of one arm and with another, beckoned Elizabeth and Sasha to follow her.
By the time they reached the small group of trees just outside the tunnel entrance, many guards had gathered around the place and only a glare from Sonya had them stepping aside to make way. They were all pale and stricken with fear at such an invasion, and personally, Sasha couldn't blame them. She herself almost vomited when she saw the sizable puddle of blood on the ground in the center of the clearing and the black sticky ooze splattered over the grass nearby.
When the priestess saw it, Sonya pressed her hand to her chest as if to keep her heart from jumping out of her chest and she moved closer to the black ooze, holding one hand over the stuff without touching it. “They were indeed here… and they got through the barriers without alerting me… which must mean the balance has been upset… and that may have something to do with your situation, my dear.”
She looked up and met Sasha’s eyes who looked completely and utterly bewildered. “How do we set the balance back then? Do I leave? Do I stay? I’ll die if I leave… right?”
Your DP: Pretty much self explanatory. I hope you enjoyed.
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:02 am; edited 2 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Lil
Fab new chapter! Well written, and I'm still liking Elizabeth's character, as she seems to have so much guts and doesn't take any shit from anyone, despite her petite appearance, lol! I also like the interaction between her and Sonya, and the clear friendship that you've painted there.
And the plot very much thickens! Luke abducted by the enemy...what the hell are those demon brutes going to do to him, I wonder, given that they're clearly not bothered about causing him pain/harm? Sasha, it seems, is also going to be playing a very key role in how things turn out for everyone involved, and one wonders how prepared she'll be if she accepts the responsibility.
I found a couple of bits'n'bobs as I was reading...
| Quote: | | She’s bound to know more about your power and what we do with you in this war than I will. |
I think the second half of this sentence would have a better flow if rephrased slightly. I can't quite make out what it is that sounds slightly off, so it may just be me and actually nothing at all. I think the 'will' at the end should maybe be 'do', but that would make the two 'do's in the same sentence jarring. But maybe something like...
She’s bound to know more about your power and how we're to use you in this war than I do.
...But I'm not wholly sure, so I'd need confirmation on that.
| Quote: | | Elizabeth gave a little cough and Sonya pulled her gaze from Sasha to the Hispanic woman, her face breaking into a wide smile as she leaned over to embrace the shorter woman. “Lizzie, you are looking well in your golden years.” Sonya greeted, as Elizabeth reached up and patted Sonya’s cheek fondly. “And age has been far kinder to a Priestess who does not travel than it has with Earth’s servant.” |
Upon reading it through a second time, I'm thinking that both women are speaking in this paragraph, but I wasn't entirely sure due to the lack of separation.
| Quote: | | Adam hesitated, looking like he was about to argue but them shrugged and waved a hand at the door. |
Then
| Quote: | | “Look, I’m just going for a walk, I just need to get a little air… in case you haven’t realized it, I've been through a lot lately and it’s a lot process.” |
I think a 'to' is needed before 'process'.
For the DP...she has to stay. If she has a destiny here, she's not going to be of any help if she leaves, and it's likely not going to be in her best interests either. And besides, how can she possibly think of leaving when Luke's in the hands of the enemy? She'll want to know if he's alright surely? So yeah, Sasha stays.
Great chappie, keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Lilith
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Haha luckily I agree with Tika. No way Sasha is going to abandon her adventure now that Luke is captured. She may not have known Luke for long, but he's also her "comrade", the only one who knows exactly what she's going through. She'll do everything she can to rescue Luke, whether it means she has to stay or leave.
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Seraphi
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Another great chapter, Lil! (And I almost missed it - for shame!)
I found one bit that Tika missed...
| Lilith wrote: | | The only light they could see by came from the torches were set into brackets along the twisting, winding halls and showed that these tunnels were older than Eden’s, the multiple stones polished to high shine and the tunnels reinforced with bracing at intervals and turns. |
"That" between the first set of words, "a" between the second.
I'm going to agree with all on this - Sasha should stay! In order to find out more about this power of hers, and to save Luke as well, she will need to stay put.
Can't wait for more!
_________________
"The aim of literary ambition is to demonstrate one's greatness of soul."
-Mason Cooley
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 12:57 am Post subject: I Think. . . . . . |
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Sorry, sorry, soooo sorry. Took forever, I know, but I back! Much love for this one! I really felt every part of this chapter inside. Keep up the good work!
*Puffs up cajones* For the DP I thinks she should be like any other hotheaded, emotional, new-to-the-position heroin and escape in the night to try and find him on her own. Oh, and bring the cat I mean, she has no real love for these people, and in fact, other than Luke she has no real connection to these guys! Well, even with him the connection is still vague, but that just solidifies my point! She should rush head long after him! Hua!!!
Anyways, more more more!!!!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 11:27 am Post subject: |
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Aaaand it's back from the vault!
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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