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Alice- Chapter 8: Doctor's Details
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 3:42 pm    Post subject: Alice- Chapter 8: Doctor's Details Reply with quote

Biz Bit: This is a piece based upon a horror flick that I will be writing. However, I am adapting it to be a wicked awesome horror SG. No DP with this chapter since it is a prologue. So enjoy.

The sounds of cries and shrieks that echoed through the hallways usually got to Jack. Except at this time. His body hung limp and weak in the hands of two large orderlies who dragged him along by the arms. His head hung weakly as the manic shrieks of dozens of maniacs floated into his ears. However, the sounds seemed somewhat muted once they reached his ears. All of his senses were dulled to some degree and to that extent he was grateful for the treatment he had just undergone. No matter how painful and barbaric it was.

His feet slid across the floor for several minutes. Though, Jack barely felt it. Time moved in slow motion around him. The feeling of the dragging was as light as a slight breeze. The tight grip of the orderlies, that caused a large bruise appear on each arm wasn't felt either. After a good five minutes, they arrived at his room. One of the orderlies opened the door before both of them tossed Jack inside and slammed the door behind him.

"How'd it go today, love?" a voice said from the room. A medium pitched voice laced with sarcasm and a manic joy.

"You know how it went," Jack coughed as he pushed himself to all fours and started crawling to his bed. He pulled himself up with trembling arms. He managed to pull himself up onto the bed where he collapsed into an exhausted heap on the bed. His eyes fell shut as he tried to force himself to sleep.

"Rough again? Aww, poor boy," the voice said. Jack pulled his knees to his chest and trembled as feeling returned to his body. And with the restart of his nerves came the pain. At first it was small and started where the electrodes had been place on his body but as soon as the pain appeared, it started to spread. It made him want to scream in agony but he was determined not to join to chorus of screams and laughter. Several tears streamed from his eyes and he pressed them closed, doing his best to hold back his screams.. The voice in the room let out a chuckle, causing Jack to open one eye.

"What's so funny?"

"You. The way you resist giving into your feelings. The way you hold back the screams to try and prove that you aren't like the other barking dogs in this hell hole."

"I'm not like them," Jack whispered. "I'm not."

"Maybe you weren't at one point in time. Yes, I'm willing to concede that when you first arrived here that all was well and good in your little noggin but now. No. Definitely not."

Jack pushed himself up on the bed and tried to stand to face the voice but the resonating weakness in his limbs caused him to fall to the ground. He let out a grunt as hit made a hard connection with the concrete which caused a loud burst of laughter to echo through the room.

With a small growl of indignation, Jack pushed himself up and looked across his room. His eyes finding and focusing on the one object that separated his room from the rest of the rooms in the institution. A six foot tall mirror that sat affixed to the wall next to the sink. The owner of the institution, his mother, had placed him specially in that room so that he could be tortured by his own reflection. There was some elegant gold trim around it to add a bit of color to his weary existence.

As he stared at it, he found the source of the voice. Lurking in the mirror was his own reflection, except that there was something different about it. There were no stains of tears on its cheeks. No sense of agony. In fact, it was smiling. Jack stared in anger at the taunting image.

"Wow, aren't you graceful?" the reflection said. Jack stumbled forward a couple steps and glared at the reflection.

"You know that its the therapy. The treatments. They upped it today. Called me unresponsive. That bitch was even there today," Jack shouted.

"Let me guess, she didn't even try to stop them."

"No. She encouraged it. She even flipped the goddamn switch," Jack responded as more tears streamed from his eyes.

The reflection smiled even more, his face becoming slightly contorted with the the size of the smile. "Really?" Who would have thought that a woman who through her own son into an institution cause he's a bit different would be so callous as to promote the barbaric techniques to cure him of his personality?"

Jack said nothing and instead let his head drop so that he was gazing at the floor, his long black hair hanging in his face. Tears fell uncontrollably from his eyes and his body shook as he started to sob. A small chuckle came from the mirror. The reflection was taunting him. The way it always had.

Though he could have sworn that upon his first arrival, it didn't speak. That the reflection wasn't this independent. But he couldn't remember back that far. Not anymore. Something about this place and the horrific treatments that were inflicted upon him. It was like the crazy was contagious. Yes, that was it. This place was driving him mad.

"Why do you taunt me?" Jack asked as some of his sobbing had subsided. "Why do you delight in mocking me so? Why do you hate me?"

The figure in the mirror laughed louder and when Jack glanced up at him, he could see him shaking his head. There was something inhuman in its motions. Something that wasn't natural.

"Silly boy, I don't hate you. I'm just trying to talk some sense into you. That clingy to this place, this world is just madness. Like you cling to the items you smuggled from the dumpster outside and that you hide under your bed. It's madness plain and simple."

Jack looked to his bed and swallowed. He looked back to the reflection and growled under his breath. "I need those items. They're mine. I risked more treatment by getting them. I must keep them. They're mine," he snarled.

"True. Very true," the reflection said. "But this world. It has no use for you. It isn't kind to you and it never will be. You need to let go of this realm."

"But how?" Jack asked, moving closer to the mirror until he was an inch away from it. For once he was liking what the reflection saying. It was offering an escape. A way to be free of the pricks and prods. Of the horrid and wretched treatments. It was perfect.

"Join me in here," the reflection said. "Step beyond the boundaries of your madness and join me in a realm that belongs to you. Your own personal Wonderland."

"But..."

"It's simple. Grab your two objects and step on through."

Jack nodded and shuffled to his bed. In a robotic manner, he dropped down and fetched the items from deep under his bed. He pulled out a stuffed crimson cat with a large smile on its face and a ringed tail as well as an old, battered black top hat. He put the top hat on and clutched the stuffed animal under his arm before walking to the mirror and reaching a hand out. His fingers touched the surface of it and he immediately sensed something off about it.

The glass felt cold and liquid like water. He looked back toward the door, a foolish part of him wondering whether or not he should push on. He pushed the foolish question from his mind and pushed against the mirror, his hand disappearing past the liquid glass.

"Yes," the reflection's voice said. "Come on in."

Jack nodded and stepped beyond the mirror, disappearing from the world that had abused him. Free to do what he wanted. Where he was in charge for once. His own personal Wonderland.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm REALLY intrigued by this, Bizzy! you know i love Alice in Wonderland...i'd really love to know more about the place where Jack WAS also...cant wait to see more!
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad at all! I like very much!

And I'm curious as to how Wonderland for Jack, which is a life without torture and such, will turn upside down, as you said this is a horror story...

Keep it up! I look forward to Chapter 1 and I shall be adding this to my list of stories at Seelie Court that I'm reading.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can see this really turning into something truly brilliant, Biz! Very well done indeed! I'm looking forward to more already. Wink


I'm full of questions actually, that I'm sure will be answered later. I'm interested to know the age of Jack. Is he a kid? A teenager? A man? Like Andi, I'm also interested to know about the real world, and why his mother put him in that place. Is she a nasty old bitch who put him in there to experiment on, or is he a nutcase? Or something else entirely? And of course, the array of possibilities that one imagines for this twisted Wonderland that we're gonna be hit with. Too many to mention. Wink


Okies, just spotted these two things...


Quote:
Who would have thought that a woman who through her own son into an institution cause he's a bit different would be so callous as to promote the barbaric techniques to cure him of his personality?"


Threw

Quote:
That clingy to this place, this world is just madness.


I think this should be clinging?


Really, really, REALLY looking forward to more! This is fab, and sooo up my alley! Just about trickles over into fantasy, and that and horror are my favourite genres! God job! Smile

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome!!! I REALLY enjoyed the prologue, its VERY exciting, and I can't wait to read the next part. Simply brilliant! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:26 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1: Alice Reply with quote

20 Years Later

The sun shone down upon the building but there was still something quite ominous about it. There were no clouds in the sky but in a way the large mental institution still looked like something out of a horror movie. the windows appeared a little too dark. The main doors seemed a little too inviting, despite the summer afternoon sun that conquered the sky.

Alice Liddle stood in front of the gate surrounding it and shuddered as she looked at it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was just a building, after all. There was nothing malicious about it. Nothing evil. There were nothing in there waiting to cause her harm. Yet, no matter how much she tried to convince herself that all would be well, there was a nibbling at the back of her mind that told her to get back in her van and drive away.

"You alright, A?" a soft voice said from beside her. Her eyes snapped oped and she glanced over its direction. young man stood here dressed completely in white with two watches on each wrist. Alice nodded and crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked back toward the large stone building in front of her.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Bill. Nerves just acting up," she responded with a soft smile.

"Understandable. Considering this is you first time in a rumored haunted asylum. You sure you want to do this?"

Alice gave an absent minded nod as her gaze drifted over to that large sign that sat in the center of the courtyard that led up to the building. CHARLES CARROL INSTITUTION FOR THE MENTALLY ILL. Another shiver went down her spine before she gazed away and turned around to see three other individuals exiting her green minivan.

A large, rotund individual with a thick mustache stepped from the vehicle first. His hair formed a nice cul-de-sac on the top of his scalp. His remaining hair was quite long and was pulled back into a tight ponytail. Behind him followed a tall and gangly individual dressed in overalls and was also wearing a pair of goggles. The final person out of the van was dressed in a bright tie-dyed shirt and jeans decorated with several marker drawn rainbows.

"Ok, guys, you ready to check this place out?" Alice said.

"Hell yeah," the group said at once. She gave a nod and gestured toward the institution behind her.

A slight chuckle came from the guy in the tie-dye. "That was trippy, man."

Alice chuckled herself and turned toward the building. She walked in front of the group toward the towering institution, the pit in her stomach growing even more. She ignored it and chocked it up to the fact that she was nervous about investigating the local urban legend. Facing what haunts may or may not be there face to face. Just nerves.

Once she reached the door she stopped and looked over her shoulder. "Christian, would you mind opening a door for a lady?"

The young man in the overalls stepped passed her and dropped down to his knees. "Sure. Too bad, we didn't bring one along," he said, which earned him a smack on the back of the head from Alice. Christian pulled out a leather pouch and unrolled it before pulling a couple lock-picking tools out. "Guess I deserved that. You sure we ain't gonna get caught doing this?"

"Fuck no, broski," the deep voice of the hefty individual said. "Everybody avoids this place like the plague. Not even the supposed security its supposed to have come by any more."

"That bad, huh," Bill said. "Perfect. Fist time breaking in to a haunted building to check it out and it may turn out to be completely worth it."

"Only if you believe in that type of thing, dude," the colorful hippy stated.

"Well, Alan, I think all of us besides you believe in that sort of thing," Bill responded.

After three minutes of struggling, Christian stood and wiped his brow. He looked to Alice and smiled a cocky smile before wiping a strand of black hair from his face. "This door is being a real cocksucker," he said.

"Maybe you should try Open Sesame," Alan said. Immediately after he spoke, there was a click and the doors to the building swept open. Alice looked over her shoulder at Alan who shrugged. All five of them entered and shortly after all of them crossed the threshold, the door behind them slammed shut.

"Just the wind," the hefty guy said.

Alice raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "One flaw in your theory, Wally," she said.

"Yeah."

"No wind."

He shrugged and Alice smirked before walking up to the front desk. She tilted her head and noticed something odd about it. It was covered in dust with the exception of a large rectangle where something had sat until very recently. She pushed the rising paranoia down and looked around the large stone lobby. On the wall next to the door was a large map of the facility. She walked to it and looked at it before glancing at Wally.

"Why don't you give us all the history lesson and we can figure out who wants to go where." Wally nodded and moved up in front of the map. He cleared his throat and smiled at everybody.

"Ok then. This place was established by Charles Carrol. He operated it until his death where it was left to his daughter Mrs. Elizabeth Hart. All was good and well until Hart lost he marbles after her husband's suicide. Soon, thereafter, there were many accusations and suspicions of torture and barbaric practices happening within although nothing was ever proven. She even committed her own son because she thought he was a little fruity."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a bit fruity, man," Alan chimed in.

"Of course not," Alice laughed.

Wally cleared his throat again and chuckled before continuing on. "After several years in this place, the kid ups and vanishes. Rumor has it that over the next couple of years, there were dozens of more disappearances, including the head doctor known as Mr. O'Hare. A decade after his disappearance, Mrs. Hart vanished without a trace as well and the place was shut down. Ever since, as the legend says, anytime someone comes in here. They vanish."

Alice nodded and moved next to him. "Alright people, time to explore a real urban legend. Now who wants to go where?"

"Your in charge of this," Bill stated. "Why don't you go ahead and choose first."

Wally moved out of the way and Alice stepped in front of the map. Her eyes picked up a couple promising spots. A room labeled surgery, Mrs. Hart's office, The Morgue, a room called Dr. O' Hare's office and the most intriguing was a patient's room with a circle around it. She looked back to the group with a smile, certain of where to go and excited to get started.

**************

Ok. Where does she go? The Office? The Circled Room? How should they split up? Or should they at all? Any guesses on who these characters represent?
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 4:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In all honesty, it was a bit rough, and I think it's because you were writing in the evening, maybe kinda late? But it was readable, which is the important thing. I think you were pushing a bit hard to get this one out and I kept missing who was doing what here and there.

Who are these people? And why are they prodding 'the unknown' inside a mental institution? What is their purpose in being there?

Let's see...

Christian & Wally - Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum?

Alan - either the Caterpillar or the Cheshire Cat. Definitely not the Mad Hatter though because he wouldn't be a hippie. He'd be on speed. Razz

As for your DP... let's bite the bullet and hit ... SURGERY. Muahahahahaaha...

Also, if these people are who I 'think' they might be, as in, experienced pokers of the supernatural... (Yes this is what I call them, Pokers) they will do the smart thing and stay together.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 5:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice.... Surprised My Alice idea was taken by someone. But You pulled it nicely off. Have you ever played the Alice wonderland story? You can get a few ideas from that. Almost when you start out at the chess floorboarding. Wink
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 9:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

AWESOME, Biz...i, too was trying to figure out who the characters are in your tale. =) i KNOW who a couple of them are from the prologue, but now...sort of fuzzy at the moment. it will come to me though. Wink

i pick the circled room!! something about the way that one's singled out really intrigues me...and maaaybe...we'll find a certain "Looking Glass" in there! Wink
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Curiouser and curiouser...sorry, couldn't resist! *giggles*

I'm still enjoying this ALOT, Biz! I was looking forward to this first chappie, and I wasn't disappointed. The explanation as to why Jack was in the institution (as I assume that's who Mrs Hart's son is) is a good one, and makes it seem likely that he wasn't a fruit loop. Though I wonder if that's the end of it there? Was her husband's death really the reason that Mrs Hart went mad, or could that have been something to do with the supernatural element that haunts the place?

I can't make out whether the guys that Alice is there with will have anything to do with said supernatural element...though the following...


Quote:
A large, rotund individual with a thick mustache stepped from the vehicle first. His hair formed a nice cul-de-sac on the top of his scalp. His remaining hair was quite long and was pulled back into a tight ponytail.


...does put me in mind of the Walrus from the story about the walrus, the carpenter and the little oysters. Possibly Bill, with his work overalls and penchant for being the one to try and break the lock, and possibly other more physical labour, does put me in mind of the other party in the same story. So who knows. Wink


Found a couple of things...


Quote:
There were nothing in there waiting to cause her harm.


Was

Quote:
Alice gave an absent minded nod as her gaze drifted over to that large sign that sat in the center of the courtyard that led up to the building.


Though 'that' works okay, I think 'the' would give it better flow.

Quote:
His hair formed a nice cul-de-sac on the top of his scalp. His remaining hair was quite long and was pulled back into a tight ponytail.


Okay, this one is purely opinion, and to do with the flow again. The use of 'hair' twice in such close, proximity is slightly jarring, so, to combine the two sentence into one would make it possible to get rid of one of them. For example...

His hair formed a nice cul-de-sac on top of his head, while that which remained was quite long and pulled back into a pony tail.

It's not perfect, but you get the gist. But, like I said, this is an opinion, so you need not take any notice. Smile

Quote:
Fist time breaking in to a haunted building to check it out and it may turn out to be completely worth it."


First

Quote:
Alice raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "One flaw in your theory, Wally," she said.

"Yeah."


Question mark after 'yeah'.

Quote:
All was good and well until Hart lost he marbles after her husband's suicide.


Her


Also, there is one part of the chapter that I feel needs a little embellishment (again, merely opinion) ...


Quote:
"Maybe you should try Open Sesame," Alan said. Immediately after he spoke, there was a click and the doors to the building swept open. Alice looked over her shoulder at Alan who shrugged. All five of them entered and shortly after all of them crossed the threshold, the door behind them slammed shut.


Okay, now if I'd just possibly opened a door by saying 'Open Sesame', I would be a little more hesitant to go inside. I think that needs to be intergrated after the part where Alan shrugs. Describe how they entered the building, how they reacted physically to the doors slamming shut, that sort of thing. Just that little bit extra to make it even better.


Okies, for the dp...to me that's obvious. Me being the information lover, it's off to Mrs Hart's office. In there, they will surely find the information about the circled room, and they could find out what they might be dealing with. They clearly think they're at a haunted asylum, which they could well be, so they'd want information on the ghost that might haunt that area. I, like Lil, don't think they should split up entirely, though possibly into two groups. In which case, one duo goes to Mrs Hart's office, and the other to Dr O'Hare's office. I think that's the other place they're most likely to find information about the patients when they were alive, though I was tempted by the idea of the morgue too...if they kept written records of things back then.


Really enjoying it Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alice is now polling
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hehe tied it Very Happy

The premise is quite interesting and I did catch the 'Carol family owned the joint' reference. If you're going to write this, I hope that you've read the two classics - I much enjoyed them when young.

But even if you haven't, the movies and such could guide your hand well enough into the realms I feel you wish to take this dark, psychotrip horror. I'm really looking forward to seeing just how far down the rabbit hole you're planning on taking us here Very Happy.

I sorta wondered if our group was reflective of the Scooby Doo Clue Crew actually... Wink
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Way too early in the story to try to find the Queen, so I went for the circled room. Too obvious? Maybe, but we're looking for a supernatural experience right?

I was torn by the title, as I thought "Alice in Wonderland rip-off", but there is something really compelling about knowing so much about Alice in Wonderland and seeing how this story fits the pieces together. It creates literary irony, builds off an existing rapport, and creates suspense. You find yourself saying "Don't go in there Alice! Mrs. Hart is the Queen of Hearts! She'll cut off your head!"

So I really like it! The "Mystery Machine" Scooby Doo vibe I'm getting is a little much though.... Anyway, I broke your tie, let's see some more!

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:28 pm    Post subject: Chapter 2: The Room Reply with quote

"Ok, fellas," Alice said, placing her hands on her hips. "I'm heading to the circled room. Who's coming with?"

There was a slight amount of silence as everybody looked at each other. Each person clearly had a place that they wanted to go elsewhere. Something that more struck their fancy than a cell that was circled on a map. After a minute of whisperings and shruggings, Bill glanced at one of his watches and raised his hand.

"I'd be happy to accompany you there, A," he said. "I'm sure that we'll find something good there."

Alice nodded and looked at the rest of her crew. "Ok. Where are all of you headed?" The group whispered amongst themselves again for a couple seconds before Wally stepped forward.

"Christian and I are gonna check out Surgery. He's gonna look at some of the old tools and I'm gonna dig into the patient files there. See what happened to who. Especially for info on the Hart boy," Wally said, patting Christian on the shoulder.

Alan patted his pocket as Alice looked at him. "I'm gonna find a faculty lounge or something and enjoy a couple of these," he said with a goofy grin. "Then I will partake of this if I've still got some gray matter left." He patted the other pocket and gave her a wink before looking at the map, finding the room he wanted and starting off down the hall.

"I don't think its a good idea to go off alone," Alice said.

Alan shrugged without looking at her. "I'll be fine. You've watched too many horror movies," he stated before wandering off down a hall. Alice sighed and shook her head. She looked to Christian and watched as he pulled out a pair of bright yellow walkie-talkies.

"Brought these, Liddle," Christian said, handing her one. "Just in case, something juicy happens. But if you two end up doing a horizontal salsa, please make sure that its off."

Alice took the device from him and gave him a slight punch on the arm for his comment. He let out a laugh and looked to Wally who gestured down the hallway. Christian gave a nod and the both of them set off. Alice watched as Christian whispered something to Wally who then proceeded to give him a punch on the arm as well, even though his appeared to hurt a lot more than the one she delivered. A slight chuckle emerged from her lips as she watched them go.

"Ready to go?" she asked as she looked to Bill who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest. He nodded and together they headed down a hall and toward the nearest stairwell. As they started to climb them, side by side, Bill cast her a glance.

"Remind me again, why we brought along the others?"

"Because if we want some actual credibility as paranormal investigators then it can't just be two people wandering around in an empty place. Especially if those two people use to sleep together."

"It can still be the two of us. No one has to know about our past," Bill stated.

"With your mouth, please, you'd tell everybody. First interview we get and you'd blab," Alice said with an annoyed tone.

"That's assuming there is an interview. This is our first actual case and we weren't hired to do it. We broke in," he said in a harsh whisper, as if someone besides there group was there.

"There will be. Well make it big, trust me. And this is just to make sure that we can get some good material. Make sure that everybody is up to snuff."

Bill sighed and shook his head. Once they reached the second floor they got off and made there way down the hall, until they reached the room they wanted. Alice moved her hand over the room number on the door. A large polished four. Her hand drifted down from the four to the handle on the door. She gave it a hard tug and the large steel door creaked open. Yet something about the action seemed wrong.

The creak of the door seemed a little too loud. It seemed a little too easy to open. It all seemed like the building was doing this for her. Trying to unnerve her. As it had with the front door. Now, she was starting to wonder whether this place was the best choice for a first investigation. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. It wasn't working. Slowly she opened her eyes and took a cautious step into the room. Sitting against one side of the room was a small, neatly made bed. Directly in front of her, half a foot away from the bed sat a sink and right next to that stood a large mirror.

The trim of the mirror was gold and very decorative, something that was in drastic contrast to the gray walls. The mirror was clear and bright and appeared as if it had been cleaned quite recently. Alice took another step into the room and eyed the mirror. Something about it seemed to be pulling her into the room. Calling to her. She stepped farther into the room, entranced by the mirror.

She reached out toward it. A part of her longing to touch it. Just for a moment, like something wonderful would happen if she just touched its beautiful surface. As her finger became a millimeter away from it, she was snapped out of her trance by Bill's voice behind her.

"Hey," he shouted. "Who's there?"

Alice turned and looked at him curiously. "What's going on?"

Bill looked at her before pointing down the hall. "I just saw someone turn the corner down there."

"Maybe its Alan wandering around," she said.

"Too big," Bill said. "Guy looked huge. And not Wally huge either." Bill focused his attention down the hall before dashing off down it. Alice looked toward the mirror for a moment before turning and moving toward the doorway. She hurried toward it and looked down the hall just in time to see a flash of white turn the corner. She started in the same direction but was stopped by a blood-curdling scream coming from the opposite direction. Chills soared through her body as if she were plunged into ice-water. the hair on the back of her neck stood up and her arms became covered in goosebumps within a millisecond. Her blood froze and she turned around. She picked up the walkie-talkie and pressed the talk button down.

Her heartbeat quickened and she let out a deep breath. "Christian. Wally. You guys hear that?"

There was only a couple seconds of silence before Christian's voice answered. "Yeah," he said. "That you guys?"

"No. You?"

"No."

That was when the realization hit her. Alan. he had been left alone. Suddenly the fear that was flooding her increased. She started down the hallway but stopped only a couple steps away as another sound caught her ears.

"What the fuck?" Bill's voice shouted from behind her, followed by a loud thump. She turned and stared down the hall where a curious sight caught her eye. A large crimson cat sat at the end of the hall and appeared to be smiling. It stare at her for a couple second before rising and turning the corner.

"Guys," she said, speaking into the walkie-talkie again. "I've got another situation here. I just saw something strange and I think Bill might be in trouble."

Immediately after her thumb left the button, a response burst from the device. "We got our own troubles here, chica," Christian said, sounding panicked. "The doors down here slammed shut and we're locked in. Not to mention I think that someone is lurking outside. We could use a hand here."

"What about Alan? And Bill?"

"Look, we may be fine here for a while so if your going to help someone. Go after Alan. That hippie won't stand a chance if he's in trouble. Forget Bill, that asshole will be fine."

Alice looked over her shoulder and down the hall in the direction of the stairwell and the first scream then over toward the corner where Bill the cat and the stranger disappeared around Unsure of who to help out first.

*****************

What a situation? Who does poor Ms. Liddle go after? The Hippie? Christian and Wally? Good ol' Bill? Who? Who? Who?
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, obviously if she stopped sleeping with Bill, it was for a good reason...

Go save the hippe! They're alwasy nice to have in a crisis. Nice and calm... ohh hey, what do you have there..

Wink


Another nice chapter, and now we get into the thick of it, finding out who is who, and what is what.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm really not sure here...she has the most history with Bill...and she's in closer proximity...but like Lil said, the history might not be a good thing...eenie meenie mynie mo??
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Another chappie already! Wink

Really enjoyed it, Biz! There's some really good tension building here, and if I was in Alice's shoes, I would be scared out of my wits! This part made me chuckle...


Quote:
Alan shrugged without looking at her. "I'll be fine. You've watched too many horror movies," he stated before wandering off down a hall.


Because that is exactly what this tale is like. They split up, and you're thinking 'No, no, no! What are you doing? You can't go wandering around by yourself, you silly person!' Or when Bill goes running off and leaves Alice in the room alone, you're thinking pretty much the same thing. It's very engrossing, I find. Very well done!


Just a couple of things...


Quote:
"There will be. Well make it big, trust me.


We'll

Quote:
Chills soared through her body as if she were plunged into ice-water. the hair on the back of her neck stood up and her arms became covered in goosebumps within a millisecond.


Needs either a capital 't' or a comma instead of a fullstop

Quote:
he had been left alone.


Capital 'h'


Quote:
Bill sighed and shook his head. Once they reached the second floor they got off and made there way down the hall, until they reached the room they wanted. Alice moved her hand over the room number on the door. A large polished four. Her hand drifted down from the four to the handle on the door. She gave it a hard tug and the large steel door creaked open. Yet something about the action seemed wrong.


Quote:
The trim of the mirror was gold and very decorative, something that was in drastic contrast to the gray walls. The mirror was clear and bright and appeared as if it had been cleaned quite recently. Alice took another step into the room and eyed the mirror. Something about it seemed to be pulling her into the room. Calling to her. She stepped farther into the room, entranced by the mirror.


Okay, the above two quotes contain paragraphs with an over-usage of certain words. In the first one, the word 'door' is used 3 times in close proximaty, and in the second the word 'mirror' is used 4 times in the same way. Though there isn't anything strictly wrong with this, it is a little jarring to the reader.



Quote:
Alice looked over her shoulder and down the hall in the direction of the stairwell and the first scream then over toward the corner where Bill the cat and the stranger disappeared around Unsure of who to help out first.


You need to put a few commas in throughout the chapter, but this sentence in particular struck me as lacking. I myself have been told MANY times, that I use far too many commas, so possibly not the best of people to be point out the wheres and whatnot. But I'll have a go at just this one sentence.

Alice looked over her shoulder and down the hall, in the direction of the stairwell and the first scream, then over toward the corner where Bill, the cat, and the stranger disappeared around, unsure of who to help out first.

I would likely have put a couple more in, if I'd been the one writing it, but that is due to my over-usage rather than necessity. Wink


Going by how 'I' personally would be feeling in such a situation (wouldn't happen of course, I would insist on being handcuffed to everyone so that no one could go off by themselves, or, more importantly, leave me by myself Wink), I would be very much lost. A large
smiling cat would scare the crap out of me, regardless of whether it was also red or not. I would be wholly torn between one screaming friend, and one who's voice had been followed with a thumping sound... *ponders* ...

I think Alice should use the walkie talkie to guide her to Wally and Christian. She knows that they're okay (for now), and having two familiar faces there with her will help her to keep her thinking more rationally. They can then help her to find the other two.

Excellent chapter, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant work, bizzy! Really enjoyed it, and glad I caught up before you closed the suggestion Phase.

I think we should go and try to find Christian and Wally. Since we have contact with them, its going to be much easier, and then we can work together to find the rest. Before we start any rescue mission, I strongly suggest getting a weapon in our hands, or two. You never know when you'll need em. Wink
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd have to chase the white rabbit I think... although I'd be really tripped to see the Cheshire Cat here so early in the tale myself. Wink

Enjoyed the reading Biz.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alice is now polling folks...you have three days to decide the group's fate
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2011 11:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I should add this is one of your best works. easy to read easy to follow and a fun way to enjoy a nice tea break.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:20 am    Post subject: Chapter 3: Surgery Reply with quote

"I'll be right down, guys. Don't move," Alice commanded into her walkie.

"No worries on that part, Liddle. Just hurry up. Whoever may or may not be lurking outside may or may not be thinking of making an entry," Christian said with a nervous chuckle.

Taking a deep breath, Alice bolted down the hallway. Making her way back to the stairwell, she moved halfway down the first section and leaping. Her feet made a solid hit with the concrete and with some help from her momentum, she stumbled forward and collided with the stone wall. A loud grunt was forced from her before she shoved off and repeated the action with the next set of of stairs.

After landing and colliding, she raced to the entrance, sweat pouring down her forehead. Moving in front of the map, she skidded to a halt. Here eyes found the surgery room but there was a new addition to the map this time. A small message was scrawled on it in the surgery room.

Never make it, Alice, it read. She gulped for a moment before taking off in the direction of the surgery room. Halfway down the halls she stopped as a strange writing started to appear. Her eyes widened a bit as odd childlike scribblings started appearing on the walls out of thin air.

It was the same message repeated. Some of it was written upside down, others were written backwards. Yet, there was no doubt that it was the same message.

PAINT THE ROSES RED

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "They're just playing tricks on you. Just a mind game," she said. She took another deep breath to calm her nerves. Her eyes slowly opened and suddenly her breath was caught in her throat. Her heart started pounding in her chest. The words on the wall had changed dramatically. The words no longer appeared to be drawn in crayon or written by children. Instead, the words appeared to be written in blood.

RUN, ALICE, RUN

She closed her eyes once more and took several deep breaths, trying to convince herself that the image wasn't real. That whatever spirits lurked within the building were just playing games with her. Trying to frighten her. As she opened her eyes again, she let out a sigh as the writing upon the wall was no longer there.

Suddenly there was a burst from her walkie. "Hurry up, girlie," Christian's voice said. "We've got compan...who the fuck? You want some? Come get..." there was a loud burst of static before there was only silence.

Alice looked to the walkie for a split second before starting to race through the hall once more. She weaved herself through the near labyrinth of hallways, following the signs pointing her in the right direction. As she reached the large, steel double doors to surgery, she found herself skidding to a halt once more. More words. This time they appeared to be carved into the steel.

SHOULDN'T HAVE COME. SHOULD HAVE RUN.

She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath. It wasn't as easy this time. She felt cold. Like something had just poured liquid nitrogen all over her insides. Slowly she opened her eyes. The words were still there. She let out a sigh and pushed her way through the doors. Past the doors as a small hallway that led to three other areas. Each one was complete with operating room, prep area and a doctor's office.

"Wally?" she called out. "Christian?"

Only a creepy, living silence answered. Quickly she moved in and started to examine each room. She started with the first doctor's office. Her eyes drifted to the name on the door. Surgeon Spade. She opened the door and gazed inside. Empty. She moved on to Spade's prep area and then onto the surgical room itself. Nothing. Next, she moved on to the office of a surgeon whose name had been scratched off and instead a large "10" was carved into the nameplate.

She tried "Ten's" rooms and found nothing. She was starting to become panicked. The cold feeling in her gut intensified. Something was very wrong. Very very wrong. She moved to the final office and looked at the name. Again it was scratched off but instead of a number, there was a crudely carved diamond. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.

Inside the office, she let out a gasp. There were clear signs of a struggle. papers were strewn about and there were places on the walls that appeared as if someone had hit them with a great deal of force. An d laying dead center of the floor was Christian's walkie talkie.

Alice hurried to it and knelt down to pick it up. As her fingers got an inch away from it, a loud burst of static came from it. A low, menacing chuckle came froth, hidden within the white noise.

"Ready to join me, Alice? Ready to play?" a strange voice said. Alice sat frozen in fear, the cold sensation flowing completely through her now, turning her into a statue. Slowly, she started to rise. Once she was on her feet, she turned to bolt from the room but was stopped by a very large man in a tight fitting green shirt.

She opened her mouth to say something but was stopped as the muscled stranger stuck a needle into her neck. Almost instantly, the coldness went away as was replaced by nothing. A complete numbness that started to creep into her brain. Tilting her head up, she tried to look at the face of her attacker, but her vision had already become blurred. Letting out a soft moan, she fell backwards. The last thing she heard before becoming unconscious was the sound of laughter from her own walkie.

Some time later, her eyes fluttered open for a brief moment. She was being dragged. The ceiling above her moving slowly. She blinked a couple times and rolled her head to the side. Before she fell back in the darkness, she saw the word "Dum".

After swimming in the darkness of her dreams again, she opened her eyes. She was no longer moving. Slowly, she pushed herself up to a sitting position. Her head was still a bit foggy but it wasn't unbearable. She rubbed her eyes lightly before examining her surroundings. She was sitting on a bed, in one of the patient rooms.

Yet something seemed different. They walls seemed extra gray. Even though the room was lit, there was no light bulb and no sun shone in from outside. Slowly she rose from the bed. As she stood, another realization hit her. He was dressed differently.

Instead of her t-shirt and jeans, she was now clad in a dirty and tattered, baby blue dress. Looking down at her feet, she realized that she was also not wearing any shoes. As she looked at her dress, she couldn't help but wonder who had redressed her. Cautiously, she moved toward the door. The cold ground felt nice but strangely foreign.

Moving into the hallway, she noticed a couple signs posted on the wall. The first one read EXIT and pointed to the left. Directly under it were three more signs. The first one had Bill's name and pointed to the right, under that was Alan's name with an arrow pointing to the left. The final sign had "Wally + Christian" written on it with an arrow pointing up.

She arched an eyebrow and sighed. She looked in both directions and swallowed. She had no clue which way to go first. She was confused and a little frightened. There was something very wrong at work here and she desperately wanted to leave. All of her instincts told her to run to the exit. Find a way out.

Yet, she couldn't leave her friends. She had gotten them into this and she couldn't just abandon them. She let out a groan and closed her eyes as she tried to think past the remaining fog in her head.

**************

So, what happens? Where does she go? Follow a sign? Perhaps she doesn't follow any of them? Maybe she explores? The choice is yours. Welcome to Wonderland....
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's obviously a trap. The signs might be accurate, but the antagonist clearly wants her to try to rescue her friends, so that he can play a game of deamonic cat and mouse. The exit however, is a bad idea. It might be a trap which would kill Alice in a particularly nasty way, but even if it's a real exit, something could happen to her friends before she could bring help. I would suggest trying to find the team members on her floor, the one above her might be harder to get to because of the need to find a way up. It appears the only real choice here is to play right in to the villain's hands and pray you don't get killed and that you can save those you care so deeply about.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was AWESOME Biz!!

i'm with Kc9cra. let's find our friends! my only other thought would be to stay put, but that's usually a bad idea as well. XD

good work, dear! keep it up!
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad, not bad at all Biz. You might try and fluff it up a little bit with some more description before you start the action rolling in the future.

I noticed a couple grammar things that made me stop and have to reread a few times but nothing more than that.

As for the DP: I'm of the opinion that Alice should turn around from the Exit and arrow signs and walk the other direction of the hallway. Do not let whoever dragged her here play the game on their terms. They've already put her in a position of their chosing as of the moment. From now on, stay conscious, stay alive, and don't play their game.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, but I've been unwell for the last few days.


Very much enjoyed the new chappie! Plenty going on, and a few shudder-worthy moments to boot. Very good! Wink


Few things I noticed here...


Quote:
Making her way back to the stairwell, she moved halfway down the first section and leaping.


I think this needs to be leaped?

Quote:
Here eyes found the surgery room but there was a new addition to the map this time. A small message was scrawled on it in the surgery room.


First part, should be 'her' I think. The second part is the repetition of 'surgery room'. Though this in itself isn't a mistake, I think this could easily be changed to something like...

A small message was scrawled upon it, just above the room that was her destination.

Not perfect, I'm sure, but this or something similar will help the flow.


Quote:
He was dressed differently.


She

Quote:
Instead of her t-shirt and jeans, she was now clad in a dirty and tattered, baby blue dress. Looking down at her feet, she realized that she was also not wearing any shoes. As she looked at her dress, she couldn't help but wonder who had redressed her. Cautiously, she moved toward the door. The cold ground felt nice but strangely foreign.


Okies, this is another repetition one, but not the same as the one before. Were it simply just the two uses of the word 'dress', it wouldn't affect the flow at all. But the use of 'redressed' in the same sentence as one of the others, breaks the flow a little. I would suggest replacing the second 'dress' with something like 'garb'. But, this is opinion based and you are free to leave it if you wish. Smile


For the DP...I was going to say to continue her search for Wally and Christian, as this is where they disappeared, and would be easier to look for clues and such, and also there would be more of them to look for the others. But I do really like Lil's suggestion to be defiant and not play their game. I'll keep to my original idea, though I likely won't vote for it. *giggles*


Much enjoyed! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really, really good Biz! I really like the chapters, and except for a touch less description in certain areas, I think this is really well written. Quite a few *thrills* there too, with the writings on the wall and such. Really enjoyed the read.

As for the DP, I'm with Lilith here. Stop playing it their way. Look for clues, yeah, but don't listen to them anymore.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm wondering why one of the signs is pointing UP... what is it pointing towards? I'd look that way myself.

Personally, I find there are far too many characters introduced far too fast for me to be well adapting to reading this tale. I find that problem with a lot of books though so you'd be in good company. With those sorts of things it just takes me some time to read and eventually it starts to stick with me what a name is referencing. At the moment, the only character that's made enough of an impact on my mind to be memorable enough to recall any details under the label of her name in my head would be Alice herself.

Now, the positive side of what I'm seeing here is some nice tension building, some great scene timing and active development of the plot. Its got a mad fast pace and now that we're IN Wonderland, I can see why... THIS is where the story really begins, no? Just like the originals, rapid overview of events until we reach the meat (being IN wonderland). True to form. And that's a display of skill in and of its own.
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

now polling
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:44 pm    Post subject: Vote Reply with quote

Well, I voted for up just to see how she'd pull that off, but no bannanas. . . .


I really like this and I think I have a good hold on who's who thus far. I think I'll wait for a few more chapters befor coming to a definite. As always, the visuals are awsome, and the corilation between the original and this version are done with expert flow and feel. Heh, the dress she's wearing makes me think of the old gothic computer game based off Alice in Wonderland. The cheshire cat was really creepy in that game. . . I can't wait to meet the Hatter all grown up!

Much love Biz-kun! Wanna see mores!
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:16 am    Post subject: Chapter 4: The Front Desk Reply with quote

Alice snapped her eyes open and glared at the sign. She grit her teeth tightly as the fog drifted from her mind and was instead replaced by anger.

"Fuck you," she shouted, raising her middle finger at the sign. "Fuck you. I will not play your little games. You hear me, you creepy little bastards." He looked around, searching for any sign of anybody to direct her aggression toward. "If you wanna play, then it's gonna be by my rules. You got it?"

Only silence answered her. Yet there was something hidden in the silence. A quiet madness that hung in the air and laughed at her. She could feel it. She looked all around her for a moment more before looking back to the signpost. The original signpost was gone and instead there was a plastic board that sat floating in the air. Bloody words sat on it, the crimson liquid dripping off of it. Each drop vanishing right before it hit the ground.

FUCK YOU TOO, BLONDIE

She let out a loud groan of frustration and punched the sheet of plastic. Her hand made a violent contact with the4 sign causing warm, sticky blood spray onto her face. She backed up and immediately started to wipe it away. Her fingers felt nothing though and after a couple of seconds of feeling around for a trace of it, she stopped and cast one more look to the sign.

The words were different once again. Now they were bold and the sign was a rectangle and reminded her of a sign that she had hung once in front of her own home.

BEWARE OF CAT

She flipped off the sign once more before turning around and setting off down the hall, determined to get her bearings before she did anything. Cautiously, she meandered the endless labyrinth of hallway before coming across a stairwell. Giving a quick glance all around her, she started down the steps. If she was going to go about exploring this place, she needed that map from the entrance. One of the guys could be there too, she thought.

The air was unnaturally heavy as she made her way downstairs. The building was uncomfortably silent. Her footsteps echoed off of the concrete steps and for some reason, they seemed too loud. Just like the creak of the door was too loud earlier. this place was trying to set her on edge, she was sure of it. And it was working. She took a couple deep breaths to calm herself and clear her mind, choosing to focus on the stairs themselves.

She kept her gaze focused on the stairs, watching as they transitioned from concrete. She moved down them until it felt as if she had traversed a couple dozen flights. She continued down one more floor and noticed that the sign for the floor had a two imprinted on it.

"Jesus Christ," she said, looking around. "This is getting ridiculous." She ran her fingers through her hair before sighing and continuing down the stairs. As she traveled on, the stairs started to become rusted and warped. On the first floor, the stairs trailed off for a couple more steps before cutting off. She moved down a couple steps and peered over the edge of the final piece of rusted metal.

Pure darkness was all that existed beyond the stairwell. The only other thing besides darkness that greeted her eyes was a neon sign that read simply: Rabbit Hole.

Cautiously, she backed up and stared out onto the first floor. Standing a foot beyond the door frame was the cat from earlier. It's crimson fur swayed slightly in an invisible and unfelt breeze. Its wide smile sent chills down her spine. It's Ivory colored teeth gleaming from an unseen light.

"Here, kitty kitty," she said nervously, not sure whether or not she wanted it to be near her at all. A drop of sweat rolled down her brow as she stared at it. It narrowed her eyes at her but the smile still remained. A low growl came from its throat before something terrifying happened. The cat spoke.

"You did not just say that did you?" he asked, in a low unnatural tone. Alice froze as chills erupted all over her. It can't be. It isn't possible, she thought. It can't be. Animals don't speak. It let out a low chuckle before turning down one of the halls and trotting off. "Possible doesn't matter anymore."

Her eyes widened as she lurched into the hall. It was gone. She looked up and down the hall and saw no trace of it. Her blood felt like ice in her veins. It had to be a hallucination. Animals didn't talk. Her mind was screaming at her that she was imagining everything. that there was something logical behind all of this. Yet, every reason she could come up with seemed barely plausible.

After managing to find mentally unfreeze herself, she started down the hallway. After following another maze of hallways, she found herself at the front desk. In front of the desk though, she noticed something different. There was no door. Instead there was a small window. She ignored it for the moment and instead walked up to the front desk.

There was an open book on the desk, in the same spot that a void had been before. At the top of each page read Sign-In and had a list of names. Next to each name stated the date they arrived and a description of the mental issues that each one suffered from.

She flipped back a couple of pages until she found the first name on the list. Jack Hart. He arrived twenty years ago. Suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Paranoia. She eyed the names and noticed that both Mrs. Hart and Mr. O'Hare were on the list of names. She arched an eyebrow as she studied them.

Their disorders were listed as "being a bitch" and "mentally inferior". I know a couple of people that fit that bill, she thought. She continued looking at every name until she reached the end of the list where she found her and her groups names jotted down in their own handwriting.

"What the hell?" she said aloud. She blinked a couple of times, hoping that the names would disappear. That every word and disorder would prove to be as real as the messages before. They stayed. Sighing she took the time to examine each one carefully, reading each one aloud to make sure that they were real.

"Alice Liddle, Phonophobia and Schizophrenia," she said aloud before swallowing hard and starting to shiver a bit as a chill went down her spine. "William Nivens, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Wallace Russell, Overeater and Brainiac. Christian Russell, Paranoia and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Alan Richards, Addiction to Narcotics and Complete Flamer."

She blinked a couple of times ant the list and felt more anger rise up in her. The last disorder irritated her. Whoever behind this was definitely going to feel her wrath later. She grabbed the book and tossed it over her shoulder before resting her head on the desk, thinking of what to do next.

After a couple of minutes, a strange sound came from behind her. It sounded like stone sliding across stone. She raised her head and turned around to see the window gone and replace by a solid stone wall. Sitting on the wall was another set of childlike, creepy writing.

BEWARE OF CAT. BEWARE OF CHESHIRE.

"Fuck off," she spat. She turned back around to find the crimson cat sitting on the desk, with the sign-in book in it's mouth. It released the tome from its mouth and in a red flash, jumped up and sent its claws across Alice's face. "Goddammit," she yelled as she was sent back a step by the sting that ran through the side of her face.

She turned her head and watched as the beast sped off down the hall, laughing maniacally. She growled and started after it, her anger taking control of her.. She chased it through the hallways, barely managing to keep up with it. It wormed her back around the way she came before racing into the stairwell and leaping down int the darkness at the end of the stairs.

She screeched to a halt and took a couple steps back. "This is what they want, Alice" she said. "They're baiting you in. Trying to make you play by their rules." She turned around and started back toward the hallway until she was at the desk once again. Everything was as she had left it.

The window was gone. The book sat opened on the desk and she was completely lost. She moved to where the window had once been and where the front door should be and sighed. Next to the door though, was still the map. Though the circled spots were now different. The spots circled were Hare's Haven, Oyster Cove, Carpenter's Shed and Rabbit Hole. She scratched her head for a brief second before tearing it from the wall, folding it up, and stuffing it down the front of her dress so that it was secured firmly in her bra.

She looked back toward the desk and gasped as she saw a figure standing behind it. He was dressed in a black suit and purple tie. Long, black hair flowed down from a large top hat like oil from a drum. his head was lowered slightly, hiding his face behind his hair. He let out a small chuckle before slowly disappearing into thin air.

For a long time, she just stood there. Her heart pounding in her chest. She made no movements, not even breathing until she was certain she was safe before once again resuming breathing. She looked around as she heard the wall change again behind her. By looking over her shoulder she caught a glance and saw the door had returned.

Taking in a deep breath, she turned and stared at the door, wondering if she should just try and run.

****************************

Ok. What now? Does she just try to run for it? Go to a spot on the map? Curl into the fetal position and cry for a while? Maybe search for her friends a bit more? What does she do, guys? She's counting on you.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think she should look for her friends, I don't think she could ever live with herself if she escaped without them. She has a map, she could head off to one of the circled spots just to get started, or retrace her steps.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


A fab new addition to your tale! I did like the entrance of, what I'm assuming to be, the Mad Hatter at the end. He sounds very creepy and a charrie to look out for, me thinks. Wink And also the interaction between Alice and the Cat when she first meets it, and it speaks to her. One gets the feeling that he will also prove to be an interesting character, due to all the warnings being scrawled about him. But then, could the warning have been written by someone horrible, to keep you away from Cheshire, and he's actually a good guy. I doubt it, but the thought is there just the same. Wink


I'm surprised by how accepting Alice is of these occurences. Were I in her shoes, I'd have been reduced to the 'Curl into the fetal position and cry for a while' option, in the dp, quite a while ago. But, apart from the odd moment of surprise or disbelief, she doesn't seem all that bothered, aside from being annoyed/angry about it. It would scare the crap out of me personally, and I think it might benefit from having a little more of that intergrated into it.


Found a couple of things...


Quote:
He looked around, searching for any sign of anybody to direct her aggression toward.


She

Quote:
this place was trying to set her on edge, she was sure of it.


Capital 'T'

Quote:
She blinked a couple of times ant the list and felt more anger rise up in her.


At

Quote:
It wormed her back around the way she came before racing into the stairwell and leaping down int the darkness at the end of the stairs.


Into

Quote:
Next to the door though, was still the map.


This isn't really a mistake, but, as the door is no longer there, it might be worth changing it to something like:

Despite the fact that the door was gone though, the map still remained in it's place upon the wall

Or something similiar. Just a thought. Smile

Quote:
She made no movements, not even breathing until she was certain she was safe before once again resuming breathing.


Again, not a mistake exactly, but I think we can get rid of that second 'breathing'. The double usage is jarring, and by changing 'resuming' to 'resumed', it's really not needed at all.


As for the dp...She can't just run now, though probably going to the police and telling them what had happened would likely be sensible. But then it might be too late. And also, I don't think it's going to be quite that easy to leave anyway. One gets the feeling that whatever forces are at work here, they like to play cruel games. I'm going to say head to the Oyster's Cove. I'm interested to see how that will be portrayed in this dark version of the tale.


Looking forward to the next one, Biz!

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOVED it Biz!! and i'm with the others here...running out that door isnt an option. it's risky, and it's the cowardly way out when you've got friends still in the building.

i like Tika's option of running to Oyster Cove...we might just find Wally there. Wink
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with the others here. It would be wrong to simply abandon her friends, and the cops would probably not believe her. I'm beginning to think that this is kind of like that noise that your car only makes some of the time. The mechanic never hears it so you look crazy. The police might show-up and find nothing, or it might be too late for her friends. It's getting good though.
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When doors suddenly appear behind you, it is compulsory to go through them Wink

I like this story, but I'm going to beg you to slow down and more thoroughly explain the graphic details and the shifts in reality taking place. Any degree of vagueness or corner cutting in regards to explanations are very easily misread or misunderstood. I've been derailed and had to reread a lot of this but then it may also be reading it at work without full focus. I just think that we're dealing with a constantly changing environment and wonder and we need a patient touch from the storyteller to make things come through right at all times in such a scenario. Not saying its been bad... just a little tough to follow at points.

Loved the Cheshire Cat! His reaction to us leaves me wondering what kind of previous relationship we may or may not have had to this creature and wanting to pursue the critter to find out.

But this infernal door... it taunts us!
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 4:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now polling
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Caught up and voted Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:26 pm    Post subject: Chapter 5: The Oyster Cove Reply with quote

She bit her lip and reached for the door handle but stopped. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Someone was watching her. Slowly, she looked over her shoulder. The man in the top hat was once again behind her, his head lowered. The only part of his face shown was a twisted smile.

“Gonna leave the party early? Such a shame,” he said. His voice was strange and distorted. It sounded like it was composed of three different people speaking at the same time. The primary tone within it was deep and sounded just barely human. Mixed in along with it was a higher pitched voice that reminded her of a child as well as a voice that was a deep and vicious whisper. “I was so hoping you'd stay and join in the festivities. Guess I'll just have to play with your friends instead.”

Alice spun around quick and watched as he faded to nothing. She swallowed as she watched the surreal experience. Part of her whispered into her mind, telling her that it wasn't real. That it couldn't be real. Yet she could tell that it was. No matter how strange and terrifying it was. He simply dissipated like salt in a glass of hot water. After several seconds, there was no trace of him, save for a pair of footprints on the ground.

She took a few moments to regain her composure and fight back the growing fear within her. She pulled out the map and looked at it for a couple minutes before starting down the hall in the direction of Oyster Cove. She made her ways through the gray and empty halls, the feeling of being watched never leaving her. The hair on her neck stayed vertical, standing on edge as she strode through the building. After about five minutes she made the final turn and stopped in her tracks. Ahead of her was a long corridor with a steel door at the end of it.

Without taking a step forward, she studied the scene in front of her. Halfway down the hallway, the gray stone walls transitioned into wooden walls with several pictures hung on them. Taking a deep breath, she spurred herself forward, watching the walls carefully. Halfway down, she stopped again and looked at the walls. The transition from stone to wood was seamless. It took only about a foot. It started with slight discoloration which was followed by a simple change in the texture. Then it simply became the different material. It was perfect. The same effect was cast upon the floor.

This place is fucking bizarre, she thought to herself. Shaking off what she had seen, she pushed on. She needed to find her friends and then leave. Deep down, she knew that their clock was ticking and that if they didn't find a way out soon, very bad things would start to happen. It was a lesson she had learned long ago. Things can always get worse. She took slow steps and examined the pictures on the walls. Most of them were brutal and discomforting. People that were in various states of death and disarray. At the end of the hall though she found a small pyramid of six pictures that were different from the others. The were professional looking. They were staff photos.

On the bottom was a picture of a middle aged man with a shaggy tuft of blond hair and round oversized glasses that decorated his face. He was wearing a goofy smile that helped to show off a set of bucked teeth. Underneath the picture read Dr. Mark O'Hare – Missing. The one next to it was of a woman with dark brown hair that was pulled up into a very tight bun. Her face was deadly serious and around her neck she appeared to be wearing a small locket. The title under her picture read. Fmr Warden: Elizabeth B. Hart – Attending. The final one on the row was of a man wearing a surgical mask and large sunglasses. His hair was hidden under a bandana and he appeared to be dressed in a bloody lab coat. His identification read Dr. Dorian Morrowitz – Missing.

Her eyes moved up to the second row. Both pictures appeared identical save for the names that sat under them. Both showed a large, muscular gentleman with a goatee wearing a black t-shirt that seemed a size or two too small. Their oily black hair was slicked back and their eyes were completely devoid of any humanity. They were empty and dark. The name for the one on the left was listed as Dum, the other one was referred to as Dee. And the were both described as Attending. Finally here eyes moved to the top, the head of the pyramid. The picture as that of the man in the top hat from the front door. His head lowered to hide everything but that smile. That wicked and insane grin. His title simply read WARDEN.

What in the world are they attending? She thought. She turned from the wall and focused instead on the double steel doors that had to lead to The Oyster Cove. She looked around for a moment, trying to shake the the feeling of being watched to no avail. She took a deep breath and pushed the doors open. Beyond them laid something that shocked her and sent her mind scrambling for a reasonable answer.

Sitting just on the other side of the door sat a beach. She took a couple steps into the sand before she realized that it was cold, as was the air. It felt as though it were nighttime yet rays of bright sunlight shone down. She glanced up and her eyes found another strange sight. The sky was littered with stars and blackness, with the except for the sun that burned high in the sky. Things definitely weren't right around here.

She forced herself to look away from it and to start walking. As she strolled along the beach, her eyes kept being drawn to a large body of water that sat out not too far away. It was a deep blue color and sat perfectly still. Not even the slightest wave disrupted its smooth almost glass-like appearance. Not even the slightest motion of a tide rose up. In a very surreal way, it was beautiful. One could even describe it as hypnotizing.

She quickly lost track of time as she strolled and stared and after what felt like hours she heard a voice from nearby.

“Alice?” it said.

She turned in the direction of the sudden voice and saw Wally about five yards away. She let out a sigh of relief and raced at him. She wrapped her arms around him, glad to see a familiar face. After embracing him for a moment, she steeped back and noticed something different about him.

He was dressed in a three piece suit and had a small top hat on top of his head. A gold pocket watch sat in one of the pockets on the jacket, its chain coming out and across to another. She looked at him up and down for a moment before smiling and letting out a small giggle. In a way she resembled a cartoon character she had when she was a child.

“Nice outfit,” she said with another small giggle.

“Hey, I woke up this way. I don't really remember much. All I remember is someone breaking into the room where me and Christian were. I turned and then I woke up here dressed like a cartoon banker.”

“What about Christian? Where is he?”

“He lost his marbles after about five hours of waiting for someone to show up and took off,” Wally said pointing in the direction that Alice had come from.

She spun and looked at the ground. There were no footprints. Not even hers. Each indentation of each step was completely gone without a trace. Then it hit her. Five hours. She looked back to Wally and arched an eyebrow.

“Five hours? Are you sure that's how long you waited?”

He pulled out the pocketwatch and nodded before putting it back. She sighed. Time had to be passing differently. Either she had become completely lost in the building or its twisted reality opted for a different passage of time. She lowered her head and looked around. About fifty yards from her location, opposite the magnificent water, she could make out what looked like a wooden wall. She gave another look to the water and her past location and as she tried to find an obvious way out or direction they should go to, there was a burst of static.

It flooded the air and between it she could here a low chuckle. Then she heard a voice. A twisted, evil voice. The cat.

“I don't particularly care why Warden Hart has chosen you to be his guest of honor at his party but I do not really like it,” it said. “So if you and your tubby little friend could do me a favor and just die when the orderlies come, I would greatly appreciate it.”

There was another small chuckle before the static ended and Alice cast a look to her friend. “Any ideas?”

“Yeah. Let's kick some ass,” he responded, punching the palm of his hand.

“I was thinking more of a running plan,” she said. “I've got a map. I think we need to get the hell out of here and try to find one of the others so we can get the hell out of here.”

“Where the fuck would we start? This place is a giant mindfuck. And its clear that someone is intent on seeing us kick the can. They know this place better too. We can't outrun them forever. We gotta kick ass while we have a chance.”

Alice bit her lip and looked around knowing that time was running fast and a decision had to be made extremely soon.

**********************

What to do? Run or fight? If they run, where should they go? Should they try to find their friends? Do something I didn't mention? What to do, what to do?
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yesh, I love it!!!

I say they try to fight. But before they attempt that they make an escape plan, or battle plan, just incase things get out of control.

Can't keep running forever. haha
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm afraid fighting is the only option when the orderlies show up. If you have enough time, it might be possible to find a way out, but I doubt it would happen. Plus, there's the problem of the others.

I say it's better just to wait for the orderlies and fight.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOOHOO new chappie!!

love the way you described his voice. having 3 different tones & all. made it very real....ish. haha!

ima say we try to find the others. there's strength in numbers right? close her eyes & point to a location on the map. decide where to go that way. haha!
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another nice chappie, Biz!


Found a couple of things that I particularly enjoyed...


Quote:
“Gonna leave the party early? Such a shame,” he said. His voice was strange and distorted. It sounded like it was composed of three different people speaking at the same time. The primary tone within it was deep and sounded just barely human. Mixed in along with it was a higher pitched voice that reminded her of a child as well as a voice that was a deep and vicious whisper. “I was so hoping you'd stay and join in the festivities. Guess I'll just have to play with your friends instead.”


I really liked this paragraph. Trying to imagine what his voice would sound like, with all three elements working in harmony together was an interesting challenge. Really cool idea, and well written too.

Quote:
He simply dissipated like salt in a glass of hot water.


This sentence really stood out for me. It's simple, but really effective. Very well done! Smile


Also loved the mention of possible characters to come, and their place at the hospital. Looking forward to seeing how a twisted version of the Queen of Hearts turns out. I'm thinking there's alot to work with there, in making her even more vile than the original character. Wink


A couple of things I noticed...

These first two are very similar...


Quote:
Alice spun around quick and watched as he faded to nothing. She swallowed as she watched the surreal experience.


The double use of watched is a little jarring, as it's already been stated that she's watching him, and, in fact, I think the flow would also benefit from the two sentences becoming one instead. Maybe something like...

Alice spun around quickly, and watched as he faced to nothing, swallowing as she tried to take in the surreal experience.


Quote:
Yet she could tell that it was. No matter how strange and terrifying it was.


Exactly the same thing again here. Double usage of 'it was' jars the flow, and would also sound better as one sentence. Something like...

Yet, no matter how strange and terrifying, she could tell that it was.

Neither are neccesity though, just an opinion. Smile


Quote:
The were professional looking.


They


Well for the dp, I'm with Alice. The Cat just said that the Orderlies are coming, and considering he wants them to die when they get here, I'm guessing they're not going to be pleasant characters. Wink Alice followed the map to one place and found a friend, lets try doing the same again, and getting the hell away from Oyster Cove while we're at it. The enemy may know the place better, but we don't have to sit and wait for them, and can certainly give them the run around. Possibly might find Christian on the way too, though I'm thinking probably not. Let's try...*ponders*...the Rabbit Hole.


Looking forward to the next one, Biz! Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now polling
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:52 pm    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

Oops! Tied it, sorry! I had to go with complete spontinaity! *Points* That-a-way!


This is still amazing me with the interesting corilations between the original tale and your world shift of it. I would love a bit more descriptivness of surroundings, as well as a little more personal feelings from Alice. For the most part, I see a lot of action, but her feelings seema little clipped like an afterthought.

The cat rules! He really kinda reminds me of the original PC videogame cheshire, but I little more testy Razz I can't wait to meet the Tweedles!


Keep on with the Amazing Biz-kun!
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:24 pm    Post subject: Chapter 6: Wonderland Reply with quote

“We're going,” Alice said. With one fluid motion, she pulled the map from her bra and unfolded it. She looked at all the circled locations, trying to pick on on the fly. As she looked at the paper, she could almost sense something very big and very angry coming in their direction. Something that she knew neither her or Wally would be able to take on. She managed to contain the sudden urge to panic, closed her eyes and raised one hand above the map.

“What are you doing?” Wally asked.

“Deciding on where to go.”

“Blind?” he asked, his voice filled with confusion and terror. Alice took a deep breath, winced and dropped a single finger down onto the map. As soon as her finger made contact, a small snapping sound sounded from beneath their feet. She quickly opened her eyes and looked at Wally. His eyes were wide open and swimming in fear.

Together, they looked down as another sound came from the ground. Before either of them could truly contemplate moving, the ground beneath them opened up like a trap door, sending both of them into a descent of pitch black nothingness. As she fell, Alice could barely make out she The Cat's laughter echoing around her. It started as a quiet giggle but grew louder and louder as she tumbled through the blackness.

The laughter continued to grow until it was a vicious roar of laughter that sent shockwave after shockwave of panic throughout her. She clasped her hands over her ears and closed her eyes in a vain attempt to block out the hideous cackle. It did no good though. The laughter was loud enough to blare through her fingers. It seeped into her from all directions. It went on for what seemed like a brutal eternity. A small tear flowed from her eye as she pressed her hands tight to her skull. Her ears were in pain and it felt like she was crushing her own skull, but there was no stopping the Cat's tortuous tones.

“Shut up,” she pleaded with the disembodied howling.

“Not in your lifetime, bitch,” the voice growled before cracking up once more.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” she screamed. “Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...”

She screamed for what felt like hours until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped up and spun, raising a fist to attack whoever had touched her.

“Woah, Alice,” Wally said, backing up a step. “It's just me.”

Alice let out a sigh of relief and gave Wally a hug. As she pulled back, she gazed around at her surroundings, trying to figure out where they landed. Both of them were standing in a pile of sand, the map sitting a couple feet away. It took a minute for her to truly realize where they were. They had landed outside of the building. She grabbed the map and looked at it. All the circled locations were gone and the only different marking on it was a fingerprint near the exit. She folded up the map, tucked it away and then turned toward the main gate.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I wanna check the van for something,” Alice said as she marched through the cold gray. There was a light mist that hung in the air around her. It wasn't enough to make her lost but there was enough fog that she could not see her destination at the end of the way. She moved slowly down the path to the main gate and froze as she reached it. The front gate was no longer able to be opened. Instead the steel rods that had once made up the open entrance was a twisted mess of barbed wire and iron.

Wire and iron twisted together and blended in exquisite horror. She moved close to the mangled mess and peered beyond it. Then the gravity of her situation finally rested upon her. Beyond the gate, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. No people, no cars. No van. not even a single piece of earth lay beyond it. Instead, it was just gray.

She spun and her eyes landed squarely on the large stone sign. Another startling realization hit her, one that nearly brought her to her knees in a cliched motion that she had seen countless times in horror movies, when the hero or heroine had finally reached their most desperate. She was no longer at the CHARLES CARROL INSTITUTION FOR THE MENTALLY ILL. The stone sign now bore a single word. One solitary word that appeared to have been carved into it.

WONDERLAND.

Her eyes drifted over to Wally who was slowly approaching her.. He stood beside her and looked to the gate then to the sign. She could see that he was starting to panic himself but was doing his best to hold it in. Trying to be strong for once. The way she had always been.

“Well, Alice, another fine jam you've gotten me into,” he said with a forced chuckle.

Alice made herself smile as she looked at him. “Yeah. Sorry. It can't be as bad as that Oyster Buffet I took you to last year.”

“You mean the one that made me sick for like a week and had me practically shitting out my innards? Yeah. This is a little better than that. I don't have to shit now.”

Alice let out a small giggle and turned to look at the gate again. Amongst the clumsy chaos, she could almost make out a design. She tilted her head slightly as she studied it. After a couple of minutes, she finally saw it. It was hidden subtlety there but in the wire and iron, she could barely make out a message.

WARN WALLY. TURN AROUND.

She tilted her head and did some squinting to make sure her eyes weren't fooling her before turning to tell Wally about the warning. He wasn't standing in the spot where he had been. She took a couple steps forward and looked around, he was off in the middle of the opening, poking through the pile of sand that now sat in the courtyard.

“Hey, Wally, check this out,” she called. He stood and started toward her but before he made it halfway, she saw something. A figure mas moving in the mist behind him. It was moving a high speed and she knew that something was definitely wrong. “Wait, Wally, turn around.”

He stopped quick and as he turned to see what she was screaming about, a figure hit Wally in the skull with something, causing him to stumble several steps. The mist surrounded the figure and made it seem like nothing but a shadow. Like it was protecting its identity. The mystery figure moved up on Wally again and struck him again, this time in the gut. He doubled over and spit out something that appeared to be blood.

Alice raced forward as she saw the shadow deliver another clubbing blow to Wally and send him to the ground. Once she was a couple yards away, she skidded to a halt as the attacker's identity became clear. She could see through the mist and the image before her filled her with the type of panic she had never felt before. The fear had completely paralyzed her. It was Christian.

In his hand, he was wielding a bloody hammer. He was slightly different just as she and Wally were. He was wearing set of brown leather bib overalls over top a long sleeved, navy blue shirt. His short, wavy brown hair sat in an unkempt mess on top of his head. Over his eyes were his trademark goggles that were now sporting a couple cracks.

An inhuman smile came upon his lips as he stared down at the barely moving Wally. With slow, precise motions, he dropped down and laughed in Wally's face. His laugh was cold and evil and filled with the type of soul shattering maliciousness that should not be contained in her friend.

“Die, fucker, die,” Christian roared as he raised the hammer and brought it down onto Wally's skull. The panic within her was now screaming at her to run, to fight, to do anything to survive. The thought of moving and running finally popped into her skull and she knew she had to obey. She watched in terror as Christian stood, raised the hammer and brought it down onto Wally's chest.

She wanted to believe that her friend was in there somewhere, but the sight of carnage before her said otherwise. The way Christian beat his best friend of over a decade with a blunt instrument told her that something was wrong with him. This place got to him. She took a deep breath as she made up her mind and prepared to act.

******************

What does she do? Try and talk him down? Maybe the old him is still in there? Fight him in order to put the bad dog down? Simply run? But where would she go to? This decision is completely up to you...
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


Fab new chappie! Wally's death (I'm assuming that he is dead or soon will be anyway) at the end was graphic and pretty damn horrible, it has to be said, which is what one comes to expect from a story of this nature, so very well done. And now Alice has the knowledge that she not only has to worry about the enemies residing inside the newly renamed Wonderland, but also about her friends turning on her too. Yikes!


Found a couple of things...


Quote:
As she fell, Alice could barely make out she The Cat's laughter echoing around her.


This doesn't fit in with the rest of the sentence.

Quote:
The laughter continued to grow until it was a vicious roar of laughter that sent shockwave after shockwave of panic throughout her.


The double usage of 'laughter' is a little jarring. The first could be replaced with 'sound' easily, and, as the word has also been used in close proximatey another couple of times before and after, I think it would also sound better if the second was also replaced by another word, such as chortling, guffawing, or chuckling, though the latter seems a little tame for the kind of laughter you're describing, so maybe not. But anyway, you get my meaning. Wink

Quote:
Beyond the gate, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. No people, no cars. No van. not even a single piece of earth lay beyond it. Instead, it was just gray.


Same again here, double usage in close proximatey. Either can be easily changed to 'on the other side' though.


For the dp... I have to say, though she probably should run, I'm not all the keen for her to. Besides, if she did, he could just appear again at any moment, and take her unawares, and she'd be none the wiser as to how to deal with it. I'm going to say, given the shock I'm assuming she's feeling atm, she screams at Christian to stop, and see how he reacts. If he speaks to her, it might give an insight into just how deranged he is, and how firm a grip the madness of Wonderland has on him.


Great edition to the story, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:14 am    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

Vonderful! I love it, very well done. I was cackling along with Christain at the end, but I'm insane so that's ok, right? *Giggles* Anyway, good job.


I did notice a few spelling things, but I think Tikanni-chan took care of them. Besides that, it's very well put together.


I love how she pointed at the exit and *Poof* that's all she had to do to get outside. I mean, how long has she wanted out, then huzza! She's out. Razz Silly Wally, wandering out on his own. He's like the blonde chick from horror films! *Grin* Love the pounding, very simple, but effective.


DP....DP.....Grab the hammer, and kick him in the nads. Sorry, my violent streak is showing *Hides* Yeah, stop him, but make sure to get your hands on that hammer.


Another fine adition Master of Darkness, and I can't wait to see more! *Waits impatiently*
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The old Christion may still be in there, but he's not in control now. Friend or not, you have to kick the hammer from his hand and possibly use it to incopasitate him. If you don't do this, Wally dies, that's it.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now Polling
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:38 pm    Post subject: Post Reply with quote

Um, Biz-kun, they are both the same option. . . . .
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fixed...some reason it changed one of the options to match...dunno why...god damn
technology

EDIT: OK...double won't go away...i repeat...goddamn technology
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Christian raised the hammer once more and brought it crashing down onto Wally's skull again. Acting fast, Alice dashed forward and collided hard with him. Though they had played rough and wrestled time and time before, something was different now. Christian felt somewhat heavier. It was like running headlong into a minivan.

"Move, bitch," he chuckled before grabbing Alice by the hair and tossing her to the side. As she landed with a thud, she was sure which part of the experience was more painful. The collision, the yank at her hair or landing on the concrete. Barely managing to lift her head in time, she noticed that Christian was getting ready to strike once again.

Pushing herself up , she managed to throw herself close him, allowing her to reach up and sink her teeth into his leg. He let out a yelp of pain and shot a glare at her. It was then that she could tell that something was really wrong. Christian's irises had became red. Red as the blood that poured onto the concrete from Wally's skull.

He let out a wild untamed shriek and swung the hammer down at Alice's head. In sheer desperation, she rolled out the way. He snarled and turned to fully face her.

"I'm gonna fucking end you, you worthless wretch," Christian shouted as he raised the hammer up.

Acting on pure instinct, she threw a single punch up at him. It caught him in the groin and he immediately dropped the weapon as he clutched at his twig and berries. He let out a howl of pain as he dropped to his knees. Alice quickly rose up and simply watched as he howled in pain.

It was as if he was being tortured. She moved close and slowly dropped to pick up the hammer. Without taking her eyes from him, she rose with the hammer in her hand.

Christian continued to howl for another couple minutes while Alice moved to Wally and felt for a pulse. Nothing. He was gone. As tears started to form in her eyes over the brutal slaying of her friend, she noticed that the howling had stopped. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw the man in the top hat standing in between the two tall men who appeared to be made of nothing but muscle. She recognized all of them from their pictures in the hallway. The Warden and his two henchmen.

Each one of the identical goons was wearing a nametag though she couldn't quite make out what they said. Slowly standing, she kept hold of the hammer. Turning to completely face them, the first thing she noticed was the cat. The blood red, smiling cat was perched on the warden's shoulder like a parrot. Glancing at the three of them, she became quite nervous. Finally moving her gaze to Christian, she saw that he was leaning against the wardens's legs. Unconscious.

"What did you do to him?" she asked. "Why did he go crazy? Why is he out cold? Who are you?"

"Nothing," the goons stated at exactly the same time. "We did nothing."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Such language, Ms. Liddle," the cat said. "Are you sure she is the guest of honor you want, Warden?

The Warden nodded as he stared down at the unconscious form of Christian, his face still hidden. "Dee. Dum. Please escort Christian to the party and Alice, you look hungry," he said after a small pause, his twisted voice chilling her to the bone. "Please have a bite to eat. I insist."

Alice opened her mouth to speak but as soon as she did a bright light flashed in front of her. She covered her eyes and almost immediately, it dissipated. Uncovering them she found herself standing in what appeared to be the cafeteria. Her eyes darted around the room, more fear pouring into her psyche. Looking down she saw that she was standing next to the stack of trays in front of a long row of food.

Eyeing the food, she suddenly realized that she was hungry. Really hungry. She felt like she was starving. Then the idea came to her that she had no idea how long she'd been here. She started to place one hand on a tray when a male voice suddenly came from behind her.

"No, that's how they get you. You let your guard down and the crazy takes over."

Turning suddenly she stepped back as she saw another person from the hallway. The bucked-tooth, blonde doctor. Dr. O'Hare. His glasses were cracked and he was no longer smiling. He looked terrified and slightly deranged. He was dressed in a brown suit that was stained and torn. As she looked at him up and down, trying to decide whether to trust him or not she noticed that all the fingers on his left had been removed at the knuckle.

"You have to come with me," he said. "Before they find you again. You're life depends on it."

"Why, why, why should I trust you?" she asked.

"You shouldn't," he stated. "I don't even trust me but what're you gonna do."

As he stopped speaking, he quickly looked around as the sound of static started floating through the air. Alice heard it too. It was faint and reminded her of summers as a child listening to her grandfather's records.

"We have to move. He's coming."

"Who?"

"Chesire. The grinning cat. I know you've seen him. He always like to appear. Freak you out. Now let's go."

He spun on his heels and raced for the cafeteria entrance. Alice started to follow but stopped short. "What about the food?"

"What food?" he called back.

Turning around she noticed that every ounce of food that had existed on the long counter had completed disappeared. She closed her eyes tightly and took long deep breaths. It was starting to become a bit much. Every sudden change in reality chipped away at her bravery and sanity. It had to be a dream. It had to.

"Come on," the doctor's voice shouted at her from down the hall. She opened her eyes, turned and started to follow.

As she stepped into the hallway, she turned her head to the left and saw the doctor halfway down, he gestured for her to follow before pivoting again and sprinting away. As Alice, looked in the opposite direction, her eyes widened. Bill was standing there. His usual pure white clothes were gone and instead swapped with a navy blue suit and crimson vest. His skin though looked unusually pale. He smirked, turned and disappeared down another hallway.

She stepped out in the hallway and looked in both directions, struggling to decide which way to go. Follow the friend or the stranger. Why hadn't the strange doctor invite Bill? Had he even seen him?

For a couple minutes she just stood in the hallway confused.

*******************

What to do? Who to follow? Who to trust? The decision is up to you?
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the idea of following O'Hare...it appears that they're turning our friends against us, so I'd say go with the one who just saved us from letting our guard down.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz! Smile


Another much enjoyed chapter, and a fine edition to this growing tale. And sorry I took longer to get to it than I said I would. I got caught up painting and stuff over the last few days and just kinda forgot. But better late than never. Wink

I'm really liking the character of O'Hare. His nervous way is a contrast to the others that have appeared so far, though one is still suspicious that he might end up changing at some point. I look forward to finding out.

Found a couple of things...


Quote:
He let out a howl of pain as he dropped to his knees. Alice quickly rose up and simply watched as he howled in pain.


Double usage of 'howl/ed in pain' is a bit jarring. Maybe change it to groaned or, if it needs to have more oomph, screeched or screamed?

Quote:
Turning to completely face them, the first thing she noticed was the cat. The blood red, smiling cat was perched on the warden's shoulder like a parrot. Glancing at the three of them, she became quite nervous.


Firstly, the word cat is used too close together. Maybe change the second one to 'feline' or something to smooth out the flow.

Secondly, with the edition of the cat, there are four of them. But if Alice is focus on the three human-like beings, then 'other' could be added before the 'three' as the prior sentence is all about the cat, so it would make sense.


I have one more quote, and it's not a mistake as such, but more something that just struck me as I was reading...


Quote:
"Move, bitch," he chuckled before grabbing Alice by the hair and tossing her to the side. As she landed with a thud, she was sure which part of the experience was more painful. The collision, the yank at her hair or landing on the concrete. Barely managing to lift her head in time, she noticed that Christian was getting ready to strike once again. 


I don't really know why, but as I was reading this specific paragraph, I felt that there could've been a little more embellishment. There's a lot going on in those four lines, and I really do think that it would benefit from there being just a little more description. Maybe Alice actually reacting to being thrown through the air, rather than just describing how she felt afterwards, or how Christian is about to strike. His stance and manner and whatnot, you know? Anyway, it's just something that popped into my head whilst reading. Smile


Okies, for the dp, I'm with Andi. Follow O'Hare and see where it takes us. Though there's every chance that he might be evil, considering what happened to Christian, I'd say there's a good chance of him being evil too, and he did seem to be trying to lead her away.

So, follow O'Hare!


Looking forward to the next installment, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, In the book it was always a good idea to follow the cat.. Seems here in this story its best to do the opposite. With that in mind, I am positive that I would follow the doctor. However, I would be wary.. As wasn't it this same doctor and woman that tortured Jack in the begining of the story?
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alice looked around the hallway for only a couple more seconds before trotting to catch up with O'Hare. Reaching him, she found herself a bit out of breath. He had gotten farther away than she thought or perhaps it was the hallway. A day ago she would have considered the idea simply preposterous but she wasn't so sure anymore.

“What is this place?” she asked. “I mean, it looks like the asylum me and my friends came into but, its just not right.”

The doctor said nothing for a couple minutes before actually acknowledging her existence. “Nice of you to catch up. Now do you want the detailed explanation or the simple one?”

“Detailed. I think.”

“The anarchistic delusions of a paranoid and persecuted adolescent.”

“Let's try the simpler version.”

O'Hare smiled as he glanced in her direction. “You're in hell, toots.”

Alice looked away from him and focused on the hallway. Glancing around, it didn't really appear as if they had moved at all. Yet they had to have moved. She could feel it in the way her legs ached. She was still out of breath, even. After a long while, the doctor turned and strolled through a doorway that she could have sworn, she just saw materialize in front of her.

As she crossed the doorway, she heard the sound of stone grinding on stone behind her. A shiver went up her spine at the sound. It was loud. Too loud. Like almost every audible noise that resonated through the halls. With all of her might, she resisted the temptation to look behind her, knowing that the doorway would be sealed. A little bit of fear bubbled up in her as she realized that she was no trapped in a room with no doors, no windows, and no escape of any kind with a complete stranger.

Looking around her, she saw that the walls were covered with scribblings. The same sentence over and over again. Some of them were perfectly legible while others were written in a haste. Looking closer to one on the wall to her left, she noticed that most of them appeared to be written in blood. Mesmerized by the deranged writings, she followed them around the room. After a minute, she started trying to find any difference in them. Any different words or mistakes. But there was none, just the exact same question, one after the other.

How is a raven like a writing desk?

After making her way half-way across the room and seeing no differing in the words or any answer place anywhere to the question, she turned and stared at the doctor who was already meeting her gaze.

“What's the answer?”

“Don't know. Jackie never told me. Gave me the riddle to torture me and then went quiet.”

“Jackie?” she asked. A small lightbulb went off in her skull. “You mean Jack Hart?”

As soon as the words passed from her lips, O'Hare ran forward and placed his hand over her mouth. “No. Never say that name. He knows when it is uttered and it makes him mad. If you ever wanna live, you must never make Jackie angry. If you ever want a shot at getting out of here, you never mutter his name. Either call him Jackie or Hatter.”

Staring into his eyes, she could see a sense of urgency and desparation. She could feel the terror that surged within them. He had been here a long time ans she could see that his survival within this place had taken its toll on him. He was no longer the smiling doctor from his picture. Something was missing. She didn't know him well enough to hazard a guess. She could just tell.

He lowered his hand and strolled into a corner. He sat down on the floor as there was an apparent lack of chairs and stared at the floor. Looking at the poor man in his brown suit with his missing fingers. A realization dawned that if she didn't listen to him, she may be in the same position another decade in the future. Moving slowly to him, as not to startle him any more, she lowered herself and sat on her knees next to him.

“Tell me how you ended up here. What happened to Jackie, and you and everybody?”

He swallowed hard and glanced into her eyes. “He wasn't a bad kid. He was just a little different. And because of that his mother placed him in here, well, the institution when he was just a kid, couldn't be more than twelve. Determined to make him a perfect little drone. Take away that unique little spark in his heart. Sent him to me for therapy, hoping I could find out what was wrong.”

“Wait, what do you mean different?”

“He wasn't like other boys. He was more of an intellectual. He liked to study the clothes of others, primarily headgear. He was actually fond of having little tea parties. That is what really set his bitch of a mother off. Yet, I indulged him. We would have tea in my office. Just him, me, this stuffed cat he found in a trash can and a little doormouse he kept in his pocket. His mother found out and so she turned him over to the alternative medicines in the building. Mainly the electroshock Then one day, it was his fifteenth birthday actually, he vanished. He just up and went away.”

O'Hare paused for a moment and smiled a bit, though it seemed somewhat sad in origin. Something that Alice found a little odd. “I was actually happy when he disappeared. Because he would finally be free of the torture and persecution. But others disappeared. Patients. Orderlies. Doctors. They would end up in the hallway with his room and then nothing. This went on for about three months and then as I was in the hallway one night, I heard something. His voice coming from the room. I looked in and I saw him. In that mirror that was in his room. He was just inside it. Not the room, just the mirror. He called to me, I walked over to him and then I was here.”

He gestured around the room for a moment and Alice noticed that tears were forming lightly in his eyes.

“It was good at first but he changed. I don't know whether it was the institution or this place or both but he changed. He became bitter, angry and deranged. He found pleasure in seeing others suffer, at watching them destroy themselves. That's what this place does, in the long run. It makes you destroy yourself.”

Alice tilted her head to the side and glanced around the room. “But how?” she asked. “I mean, how does this place change and move and affect people. I just saw one of my friends beat his brother's head in with a hammer.”

“I don't know exactly. Its like this place feeds off of everybody's own little personal problems. Feeds off your own little madness and enhances it. It makes it grow within you until you break.”

As he spoke, a small thought popped in her head. It nibbled at the back of her gray matter. How was he still alive. Not only had he barely aged but if this odd place did as he said, then he should have destroyed himself long ago. Yet here he was, still kicking. It was obvious that he was struggling and not all there. He was either extremely strong or really lucky.

“How are you still alive?” she blurted out, only realizing that she did indeed speak until he placed a hand upon hers. A small smile crossed his face but before he could speak, the room started to shake and the concrete on each side of them started to crack. His smile vanished and he looked around wildly, like a small animal about to be devoured by a predator.

“Tell you later, if I live through this one,” he said. He snapped his fingers and suddenly a rope ladder descended between them. “Go. Get to the greenhouse or find the library. Both places should be safe and one of your comrades should be in one of them. Can't tell which. Just go.”

Alice just stared at him. The last time the earth shook, the twin orderlies arrived. Surely, O'Hare couldn't survive an encounter with them. “I can't leave you.”

“Get the fuck out of here, dollface. Just go and remember something when you meet up with your pals,” he barked. The room shook more violently. Cracks grew wider. The words on the walls slowly started to disappear.

“What?”

“Lie. Whatever you do, lie to them. Never tell them the truth here. Trust no one. Lie, cheat, steal. That is how you can survive. Now go.”

Alice started to climb but stopped. She was unsure whether or not to finish and leave O'Hare behind, let alone where she could run to. She could try to bring him with or she could stay and fight. She could trust him and head to a location he said or to go somewhere completely different. Her time was running out and she knew it. She was halfway up and had to make a choice.

**********************

Ok...What does our heroin do? Listen? Save the Doc? Where to go? The decision is yours.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz


Loving the new chappie! And really liking O'Hare as well. Hoping we'll be seeing more of the character, as he's rather interesting. Also enjoying the actual Alice in Wonderland elements that are being pulled into the tale as we go along. 'How is a raven like a writing desk?' and the like. Part of the traditional Alice stories but also fit in with your current, modern day twist and the genre.

Also liking the info we've been given about the Hatter and his past. It does make one feel sorry for him, given what he went through when he was at the asylum and for nothing. From the realisation that he was one a very nice, friendly boy, one would think that there might be a possibility to make him return to being such. But this is a Horror tale, after all, and could go any way really. Wink But the possibilities are intriguing.


Found a few of minor typos and such...


Quote:
A little bit of fear bubbled up in her as she realized that she was no trapped in a room with no doors, no windows, and no escape of any kind with a complete stranger.


Now?

Quote:
Staring into his eyes, she could see a sense of urgency and desparation.


Desperation

Quote:
He had been here a long time ans she could see that his survival within this place had taken its toll on him.


And.

Quote:
He lowered his hand and strolled into a corner. He sat down on the floor as there was an apparent lack of chairs and stared at the floor. Looking at the poor man in his brown suit with his missing fingers. A realization dawned that if she didn't listen to him, she may be in the same position another decade in the future. Moving slowly to him, as not to startle him any more, she lowered herself and sat on her knees next to him.


There are a couple of things in this paragraph. Firstly, the parts in red mark the double usage of 'floor' in one sentence. Either one being changed to 'ground' or something similar would work, or the second one could be changed to a description of the floor. Say it was a black and white chequered floor, you could say

He sat down on the floor, as there was an apparent lack of chairs, and stared down at the black and white patterning beneath him.

The part marked in green read like they should be one sentence.


Quote:
They would end up in the hallway with his room and then nothing.


The 'with' part doesn't sound quite right to me, though I actually can't quite make it out. Though I am thinking maybe it could be changed to 'outside' and it would flow a little better.

Quote:
If you ever want a shot at getting out of here, you never mutter his name.


This isn't a mistake or typo, this is just an observation that you can take into consideration or not. I think that the sentence here would benefit from having 'even' added before mutter. Unlike the other two words for speech used in the paragraph, 'say' and 'utter', which can both generally describe all forms of speech, 'mutter' isn't quite the same. It's also describing a way of speaking, in that a mutter is generally quiet and uttered under one's breath and not openly. The kind of thing that one does when one is annoyed with another person but doesn't wish to voice it, so you just mutter about it to yourself.

Adding that 'even' in there would actually add a new air of urgency to the warning. 'Do not even mutter his name because he'll still know no matter how quietly you do so'. The thought just adds an extra chill. Just something to think about anyway. Smile


For the DP...Alice should do as O'Hare says. Both of them stand a better chance if she does so. He's been there for a long time and is more savvy as to how to deal with the situations that may occur. And chances are, if what he said about mentioning Jack Hart's real name, the orderlies are going to be coming for Alice anyway. Get up the ladded, leave O'Hare to deal with what comes and hopefully he'll be able to use his retained wits to get out of it. And when she does so, get to the...*ponders*...greenhouse, I think. I'm trying to figure what part of the traditional Alice world could be in each place and I find myself most intrigued by the possibilities that come with that one. Wink


Much enjoyed, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 10:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love it Love it Love it, Biz!! And I'm LOOOOVING O'Hare...so don't kill him off. *Brandishes Mayoressly finger at you* haha!

For the DP, as much as I hate to leave him there alone, I think Tika's right. He'll do better without having to defend us. let's head to the Greenhouse.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, wow....I just read thrugh all of that and then wondered "Wait...where's the next chapter.?"

Well done and very captivating.

Personally, I like o'hare. His sacrificial ambitions are noble and I respect that, but part of me wants to reach my hand out to him.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A horrific, psychotic twist to Alice in Wonderland? I'm in! Very Happy

This story is phenomenal. I love the references to the original works by Lewis Carrol, and how you change those familiarities into something new by warping the characters/their personalities/the setting. I also like how the chapters are shorter. The breaks really keep the suspense going.

I say Alice keeps climbing. O'Hare has survived this long on his own, so it is a pretty safe assumption that he can make it once again. I'm intrigued by what areas from the original stories the library/greenhouse represent, though I can take a few guesses. Wink

Keep it up, Biz! This is great!
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:42 am    Post subject: I Think. . . . . . Reply with quote

And all caught up! An excilent read, and the perfect thing to follow reading KtD. *Grin* Anyways, this still continues to be one of my all time fav IF stories. The true hysteria comes through with amazing detail.



DP. . . .Egress! Flee! He's survived thus far, so I'm sure he can keep on doing so! But not with you around. *Grin*


So, more chappies please!
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