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Ch. 9 (13/05/08)

 
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D-Lotus
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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 8:04 pm    Post subject: Ch. 9 (13/05/08) Reply with quote

The story so far: Robbie is a boy with an overactive imagination. He can talk to the ghost of his dead brother, but his parents are distressed when he reveals this fact to them. His brother's ghost, in order to console Robbie, offers to transport him to a different world where people will appreciate his imagination. Robbie wakes up in a different world, sure enough, but it isn't as wonderful as he expected. There is only barren terrain and faraway industrial towns. Then he notices a large figure approaching, which turns out to be a man he befriends, and who, in place of his name 'Citizen 103', he calls Jack. Robbie and Jack descend towards one of the towns, where they encounter a guard. Fortunately, they distract him and evade him, and then decide to visit Jack's farm. On the journey there, Jack divulges his admiration for his grandfather, who appears to have been a man of some importance. Jack's farm turns out to be a small shack with a tiny plotland. Once Jack gets some papers there, which he uses to prove to a factory boss that he has completed his work for that day, they drive back to town in an old motorcycle. When they approach the factory, they are again confronted by someone, except this time, the woman who confronts them, Citizen 2, seems to be someone powerful. She orders Jack away into the factory and commands Robbie to follow her into a certain room, where Robbie meets Citizen 1, otherwise known as Bill. Bill demonstrates to Robbie that he can create a bird simply by visualizing it, which he does. Robbie is wonder-struck by this strange power and demands to know more, and Bill offers his assistance. Bill helps Robbie control the world around him with his imagination- he even learns how to sprout wings and fly. Bill leads Robbie to a church where he amasses treasures taken from the populace. He explains that this world lost its imagination long ago, and that its people have no capacity of creativeness. That's why Robbie is so important; he does have imagination, and a lot of it. However, Robbie is betrayed; Bill intends to use Robbie's imagination as a source of fuel to run his factory. Bill traps Robbie with handcuffs that limit his ablities, and then Citizen 2 leads him to a strange room which contains a machine. In this room, there is a girl strapped to a machine already, and the machine seems to be devouring her imagination. Fortunately, the machine malfunctions, and Citizen 2 must find someone to fix it. She gives Robbie enough time to think of an escape plan, however, and he manages to reverse the flow of imagination through a hose attached to the valve. He blasts his enemies as they come back, and liberates the girl, Noemie, in the process, although they cannot understand each other because she is French. Jack aids in their escape from the factory after turning traitor to Bill and re-evaluating his grand-father's principles. The kids must decide how to continue their escape. They return to Jack's parked moped and try to drive away from the town; unfortunately, Robbie is not an experienced moped driver, and the kids end up crashing in front of a museum after they are shot at by pinched-nosed Thomas, though neither child is hurt. As Robbie and Noemie run through the museum (a temple of falsities, as it turns out) searching for a tool to rid themselves of Thomas, that very man quickly tracks them down, approaching ever closer. Fortunately, the kids manage to create a distraction and then trap Thomas in a museum room. As they leave the museum, they are taken captive by members of The Resistance, a group which has sworn to destroy Bill. The leader of this resistance is Jack's grandfather; however, he proves unwilling to trust Robbie, and assigns him a task. The task is to redistribute the treasures in the church to its people. Robbie sets out on this task with Alfonse, a resistance member, though his handcuffs are not removed. They approach town in boat and are faced with a multitude of guard towers barring their way. So, they decide to climb a tree...

Chapter 9

"We will climb that tree." Alfonse pointed to the old oak as he grabbed a club and a bottle of whiskey from his sack, "That way the guard won't see us."


Alfonse slinked over to the wide tree trunk, then he placed his back against it and stole furtive glances over his shoulder until he was sure that his action had gone undetected; once he had ascertained this, he motioned for Robbie to follow him. Gathering himself, Robbie sprung forward and then crouch-ran through the grass towards the tree. Alfonse's head shot back again, peeking from behind the tree for a fraction of a second; once more, he returned his gaze towards Robbie. He placed his index finger on his lips, indicating the importance of silence, and then, furrowing his dark, heavy brows in concentration, he leapt up to the first branch, swinging by the arms momentarily before pulling himself up. He gesticulated for Robbie to pass him the club and the bottle of whiskey which he had left on the ground, and the boy complied; Alfonse stuffed the two items inside his coal-black sweater. Robbie, who had always been an adept climber, promptly scrambled onto a branch adjacent to Alfonse. Impaired by the handcuffs, he was surprised by his flexibility and ability of movement. Instead of two hands, they functioned together as one; even Alfonse was visibly impressed. Now they both crouched on the sturdy tree limbs with their thighs spread apart, ready to pounce onto the next branch- their appearance, in the cover of the night, was that of two abnormally large wild monkeys.

Alfonse hauled himself onto the next branch, two feet above them, and then onto the next, ascending quickly up the trunk. Robbie followed Alfonse's track, always keeping the shadow-man's black moccasins and pants within eyesight. Once they approached the tree's crown, they began shuffling outwards, in the direction of the guard tower. Their task became more difficult, however, as the branches extended and became thinner and weaker. Robbie was beginning to crawl at a painstakingly slow pace, and they hadn't yet reached halfway to guard tower; in addition, his clothes, still wet from disembarking in the marshes, hampered his movement. Nonetheless, the two nocturnal prowlers continued their inexorable path.

As Robbie contemplated the rustling grass below him, a draft of night air rushed through the branches and shook the boy in his bones. When the goose bumps receded and the swaying branches became still, the boy realized something. He observed his hand, cut and torn from contact with the rough, peeling bark, and thought to himself, I want to go home. He almost buckled, but then he rallied; the tree branch offered only one alternative, for it was so thin now that he could not effectively retreat. He must go all the way towards his inescapable destiny or fall to his doom.

Before any other thoughts could invade his consciousness, Robbie sensed that Alfonse's weight was shifting, for the tree branch drooped slightly before springing to its natural height. Indeed, Alfonse had leapt like a panther, spring boarding from the tree and landing with a thunderous crash on the roof of the guard tower. His outstretched legs had smashed through the straw roofing, propelling him into pinched-nosed Thomas and ramming him in the back, consequently thrusting the astonished guard forward against his own tower's railing. Thomas tried to recover from this assault and reached for his gun, which had been knocked out of his hands, but Alfonse, already having found his ground, deftly clubbed him on the head. Thomas slumped.

Even as Robbie continued to crawl forward, he heard the rising voices from all around. Other guard-towers, having heard the strange noise, called out questioningly across the expanse which separated them. Robbie waited until he had reached a position directly above that of the guard tower and then allowed himself to drop awkwardly onto its surface. Already Alfonse was lighting a match with his callused fingers; he held it aloft and admired it before applying its flame to a handkerchief hanging out from the bottle of whiskey. He allowed the flames to grow until their lick nearly reached the rim of the bottle and he smiled at Robbie sadly, grim-like. Then he pulled his arm back and launched the bottle high through the air. It flew through the air like a fire bird, its handkerchief fluttering and flapping as a beating wing. When it landed in the middle of the grass field, a small fountain of fire erupted and began spreading concentrically around it; shouts were heard and various gunshots reverberated through the air.

"Let's go." whispered Alfonse, and he descended the ladder leading to the tower. Fortunately, the church wasn't far. Robbie felt that his gym teacher would be proud of him now; he'd never run two-hundred meters so quickly in his life. Unfortunately, two armed figures emerged from the path behind the church.

They were obviously not expecting to be confronted by two sprinting figures, as their chatter suddenly became dumb. Of the two, the woman reacted first by cocking her gun clumsily. The other figure, that of a man, was felled by a knife, which Alfonse had skillfully thrown in what seemed like a fraction of a second. Robbie scurried towards the church when Alfonse withdrew his second knife and made to throw it. The startling sound of gunfire again shook the night, and now Alfonse's figure stood paralyzed, and his eyes widened in disbelief. For all his prowess and virility, it was a woman who wielded the weapon which caused his death. He had been caught in the stomach, a great big gash which consumed him like a fiery ulcer, and before he finally collapsed, he shook his fist at the heavens wistfully.

The woman dropped her gun and covered the incredulous terror on her face with her hands. Her tattered clothes evinced that she was a civilian or a worker. She looked at Robbie, who met her glance as viciously as he could, and then she ran off into the streets. Losing no time, Robbie banged on the church doors and hoped that things hadn't gone wrong for the priest as they had for Alfonse.

The door swung open, and an ebony hand drew him in.

"What happened?" the priest, Stephen, demanded.

"They killed Alfonse and they know we're here." Robbie answered nervously.

"Oh Lord." breathed the priest. "Oh Lord." And he started wandering about the church, wringing his hands together in discomfort. At first Robbie followed him uncertainly, and then he simply abandoned him in order to contemplate the treasures once more. Perhaps it would be the last time, as the priest seemed to have to idea what to do.

Then something attracted his attention. It was hard to tell whether it was a glimmer, or a dull reflection, but on closer inspection, Robbie discovered it was a key. It was lying atop a red soft felt hat. Robbie picked it up tentatively. He examined its width and the shape of its purposeful side, that which contains the mechanism to unlock. Then an idea struck him. He sat down and held the key tightly between his knees and subsequently fitted his handcuffs onto the key.

It is hard to say whether the key really matched the lock, but as far as Robbie was concerned, it fit, though it may not have turned adequately. Robbie was not a great expert on locks. To his mind, the handcuffs should have unlocked- and they did. Perhaps it was only because to his mind it should have been that way, perhaps the handcuffs were only a mental barrier; or maybe the key really did turn that lock?

In any case, once his hands were free, Robbie felt the power of imagination surge through him once more. He knew its swell, he understood the waves of energy which ebbed and flowed. His imagination was as deep as the sea, withholding the secrets of the yet uncreated. Bill had taught him, for better or worse, furnishing Robbie with the tool to his destruction. Now it was possible to exact his revenge on Bill, for now the moment of truth had arrived- now Robbie must decide the fate of this land. How?

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Last edited by D-Lotus on Sat May 24, 2008 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting title for this chapter D. Wink

You've got a few looong sentences near the front that could do with breaking up a bit I think.

Quote:
Unfortunately, two armed figures emerged from the path behind the church.

They were obviously not expecting to be confronted by two sprinting figures, as their chatter suddenly became dumb


You repeat 'figures' here twice, and I don't think 'dumb' really works in this bit either.

Quote:
It flew through the air like a fire bird


A fire bird? Is that the best you could do??? Very Happy Wink

There's quite a few other areas that seem rather arkward and clumsy too. Not your best one here I think D.

The DP. Well, of course you stride out and start throwing your weight around, deflecting bullets, turning guns into mice and so on. Rule the place!

Btw: What happened to the stealthy approach eh?
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Dani,

I get the impression you are keen for an end to this story all of a sudden?

I tend to agree with Chinny.

Quote:
and they hadn't yet reached halfway to guard tower
Is there a 'the' missing there, before guard tower?

I guess we should have remembered the handcuffs when it came to voting for climbing a tree. It's well done that you remembered them, but it was a dubious explanation you gave for being able to climb with them. Perhaps it'd be a little more believeable had Alfonse assisted us more. A large man, and a relatively small boy. He should have been able to lift us up difficult parts, etc.

Quote:
For all his prowess and virility, it was a woman who wielded the weapon which caused his death.


If he truly was that filled with prowess, then his target with his first knife would have been the greater threat, the person already with a weapon cocked. It seems rather silly that he attacked the man.

~

So we're filled with almighty power now. Doesn't really set any limits on us. As chinaren said, walk out like the terminator, and set the world to rights.

Rawr! zomg fearzor teh powah!!!!11one!!

Wink
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with my exhalted collegues on this one D. It seems a little lackluster for you. Take that as a compliment though as it means we have such high expectations for you because of your previous work. I just feel as you lost your original voice with this one...go back and read it from the start and I think you will see what I mean. You started this story with such imagination (pun intended) but it has fallen into a rather mundane repitition of bad guys with guns show up...defeat them easily...move on...granted someone died this time but I wasn't hooked.

I didn't really feel anything for the dead guy as I don't think we got enough build up of him for me to feel any sympathy. That whole section seemed rushed or something...just didn't pack the punch you would expect it to.

I'm glad the cuffs are off (and I F5 with Smee about the tree climbing but whatever) but I thought it seemed too easy. I'm not sure what to suggest about that but perhaps if he had had to search a bit more for it it would have been better. Either way they're off so thats good.

I think he should imagine a revolt from the factory workers...let the meek rise up to defeat their oppressors. He can arm them with treasures from the church (Thus returning them) and lead the revolution.

(Knight: My king, the peasents are revolting.
King: They certainly are.)

I would like to see a return of Jack...he is my favorite character thus far.

I'm sorry if this sounds overly critical D but I have really enjoyed your story thus far but found this installment to be slightly lacking. Hopefully you will grab me back in the next chapter...T.
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D-Lotus
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Time to vote!

Thanks for the suggestions all. The next chapter will be a materpiece...hopefully. Wink
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, only two more days, and then I'll close the poll. Most likely, the next chapter of BR will be its last. The poll results will determine the direction of the ending.
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well caught up again! Greatly enjoyed the story so far, do you truly intend to end this, I think it could certainly go on for a great while longer, a lot of things have yet to be explained...
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D-Lotus
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 10:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just for you, bookwiz, I might write up a quick finale. It probably won't be deserving of my previous efforts, and I can't guarantee any more than a hurried effort, but I can at least reveal to you where and how I had planned the story to end.
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What does Robbie do with his new found power?
Terminator style revenge
25%
 25%  [ 2 ]
Incite the oppressed workers to rebel
75%
 75%  [ 6 ]
Total Votes : 8
Who Voted: Bookwizard, Chinaren, Crossfire, D-Lotus, Mother Goose, Smee, Traveller, verlius

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