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Tikanni Corazon
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 Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:29 am Post subject: SparkleSteps - Chapter Fifteen: Part 1 - POLL IS UP! |
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Okies, I'm using this chapter to experiment with a dp technique I want to use on 'The One' when I begin writing it properly. I'm going to be writing this chapter in 3 parts, each with it's own dp. But, rather than using each dp for the following part, I will be combining them all for chapter 16. Up until now, I've only ever used the basic technique, so I just want to find out how easy I find this one. The multiple parts is also the reason I've made it a little shorter. Okay, I just wanted to explain that.
Hope you enjoy the chapter! 
SparkleSteps ~ Chapter Fifteen: Part 1
Milo looked down at the ground, pondering what his next move should be. He knew he stood less of a chance against the Veeka alone, and yet, the amount of time it would take to go back to the house to get Jem would also narrow their chances of success. He found himself veering towards his usual reckless nature, despite mere minutes before having vowed against doing so again.
"Guess it's worked out so far..." he muttered under his breath. Tianna turned to him.
"Hmmm? Did you say something?"
"Just talking to myself," Milo replied with an embarassed shrug. "I suppose I should get going..." He got to his feet, and turned to leave, his heart pounding at the impending confrontation with the enemy. But as he did so, Tianna caught him by the hand, and he looked back. Her beautiful face was upturned and looking directly into his eyes, tears beginning to form in her own.
"Thankyou, Milo. Not only for this, but for everything you've done so far. Were it not for you and your sister, we would have been lost." Milo began to laugh off the statement, but she tightened her grip on his arm slightly, to silence him. "No, don't do that. If you don't believe in yourself, Milo, you will never succeed. You have been invalueable to our cause, and, despite the pain you went through to get here, I cannot regret that you did." A single tear spilled down the flawless skin of her rosy cheek. She pulled him down to her level again, and placed her hand over his heart. "You have to believe, child. You have to feel it in here." She exuded slight pressure against his pounding chest. "Do that and you will triumph over the evil that threatens us."
Suddenly, she went rigid, and on alert, as if she could hear some noise that he couldn't. A few moments passed, then a small smile spread across her face, causing two small, matching dimples to appear in her cheeks. She returned her gaze to Milo.
"Go now, child. Help is on the way."
"Help?" said Milo, looking puzzled. "Who? No one knows I'm here...And how do you know anyway?"
"Elven senses, M'dear," she replied with a chuckle, "and yes, you're right, she doesn't know you're here. But she is heading to the same place that you are, though she knows the reprocussions of her actions. But then, true love can make one do silly things...I know that only too well."
A flash of pain crossed over her visage, and she sighed.
"True love is the reason I didn't succeed the last time..."
She paused a moment, looking down at her reflection. She ran a finger through the water, blurring the image with the ripples.
"My lover, Religan, an Ember, was one of the warriors who came with me here. We were fighting the Veeka together, the monster having already killed our friend, and were doing very well. I had the beast cornered, and was ready to administer the final death blow. But suddenly, it caught Religan with one if it's tentacles, and dragged him up into the air. I watched in horror, as the beast wound another tentacle around my beloved, and wrenched him in two. I screamed, and, forgetting about the fight at hand, ran towards his broken body. In that moment of distraction, the Veeka took the opportunity to attempt to kill me too. I was badly hurt, but managed to get away, and was found by Horatio Allington. He nursed me back to health, falling in love with me in the process. But I didn't love him, and couldn't even contemplate betraying the memory of my beloved Religan, but realised that if he knew the 'opposition' was dead, he would persist in his romancing of me. So I told him that my lover awaited me in my own world, and that I needed to get back to him. And I think you know the rest. But I can hardly condemn Chanah for trying desperately to rescue Sorren, when I did the same."
"Chanah is coming?" Milo said, his spirits rising. With someone as capable as the Elven warrior on his side, he stood a much better chance of beating the Veeka.
"She is," Tianna confirmed, "But you must go quickly, if you're to meet her before she reaches the Veeka. Follow the light from the Al'loren'etta, it will lead you straight on the path to both her and the Veeka. Good luck."
Milo began to walk away, his heart thudding against his ribcage, at the thought of what he was about to do. Then he turned back.
"What about you? What are you going to do?"
She smiled at him, and gave a small shrug of her elegant shoulders.
"Little more I can do than just stay where I am, I suppose, to await the third."
"Will you be safe here?"
She chuckled. "No less so than anywhere else, save the option of taking me back to the house, which I'm not willing to allow. Just go Milo. Meet Chanah, and get Bob out of the Veeka's clutches. It's the only way that all of this can come to an end. And whatever you do, please try to prevent him getting Chanah's blood. If he does, our world, and likely yours too, will be lost. Now go!"
Without another word, Milo took off into the trees, fumbling with the Al'loren'etta as he went. Thinking of Chanah, he opened the locket, allowing the beam to burst forth, showering the surrounding forest with a soft white glow. This time, the beam remained in one long sliver of light, weaving it's way through the trees, towards it's goal. Milo, putting the entirety of his trust in the elven magic, followed it, running as fast as he could, so as to catch Chanah before she reached the Veeka.
~~~
Old Bob sat in the centre of his wooden prison, his knees drawn up to his chest, his thick eyebrows knit low over his eyes in a frown. Below him, he could hear the wet, sucking noise of the Veeka's breath as it slept, and the noise near made him shudder. He could see the other, a tall, well-muscled elven man, stood some distance off, in the shadow of trees. His outline was visible only through the faint spattering of moonlight that seeped in through the gaps in the canopy above.
Bob sighed deeply, and turned his head to south-west, and he felt the urge in his gut all the more strongly. Something lay out there in the forest, something important. The urgency of the pull had made him careless, and in turn, had allowed him to be caught by the Veeka's henchman. Whatever it was, it was still out there, calling to him. Every now and then, he would get a twinge of pain in his abdomen, and he would grimace with the pain, though he dared not make a noise. He didn't dare alert the Veeka to his discomfort, in case the monster decided to try and find out why.
As an extra painful wave flowed through him, he heard a voice in his head, making him start, and listen. The voice continued, it's soft, smoothness seeming to soothe the pain itself.
"Help is coming, dearest one, worry not...take heart in knowing this...your saviour comes with haste...at the point of rescue, listen to your heart, and it will guide you home..."
'Home?' Bob thought to himself. The feeling in his gut told him that 'home' didn't mean the mansion. It meant... He didn't know what it meant, but it was important, it was all important. He just couldn't work out why. It was like a distant memory, refusing to be recalled, but sitting there waiting all the same.
He began to get cramp in his legs, so he shifted his position, leaning against the wooden bars to do so. He jumped as one of the bars gave way, and made a cracking noise. His gaze drifted down to the Veeka, who continued to doze, oblivious to what had happened. He looked over to the elven man, who stood stationary, and not looking his way.
He looked back at the bar. It had broken neatly in two, and made a far bigger gap between it's neighbouring bars. Bob reached over, and gently tugged at the two halves, until they came away. Both were sharp where they break had occured, and would possibly make good weapons. He wondered if the other bars were as weak as the broken one, and should he risk finding out. He'd been lucky not to alert his captors the first time, and the voice had said help was on the way. He frowned even more as he pondered what he should do.
So dp is simple, what does Bob do? Wait for his rescuer to arrive? Risk breaking a few more bars to try and escape? Or something else? The choice is yours! Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:55 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:45 am Post subject: I Think....... |
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Funness here. A little less descriptive and florished as most of your chapters, but nice none the less.
The part where the elven maiden just blurts out her history is rather sudden, and unprompted. I think that part may need a bit more lead-up. I know we're normaly yelling at you for "Less less" but this time, I think less is NOT more. I did like the story itself, and it gives a much deeper feel to the maiden. I also like that Bob has NO idea that he's not human. Gave me giggles! And one more note, you misspelled Image in there somewhere.....you typed iamge I believe. The only spelling mistake that jumped out at me is that one, so I put it here.
As for the dp......*Goes a little insain* Grab the bars, pointy side down, and launch yerself down on the Veeka. The sharp jabs from some big poity objects should at the very least be distracting enough for Bob to run. I have the feeling he's a bit more spry then his visage lets on! And, with Chanah on the way, you could have her and Milo meet with him half way! I got the feeling, if he can get far enough, you'll only have elven dude to deal with. So, Stab Veeka, run, meet up with 2 coming to rescue. Also, this way, Chanah won't have to go near the Veeka!.
Another nice little addition! Can't wait to see more!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments and the dp suggestion Pope! Thanks for reading!
Found and corrected the 'image'. Good spot!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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IIIII loved this. =D
for the "abruptness" of her story...it really wasnt abrupt as he'd already heard it from her before...this was just adding more detail to it. 
i think that given the feeling this voice gave him, and knowing his sense of rationality, Bob would be inclined to stay put.
uuuuumm...i'm just giddy for the next part...it's become a new obsession for me. XD
KEEP GOIN'!!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Andi! Glad you enjoyed it!
And you likely won't have to wait too long, as I don't have to wait for the dp verdict for this one and part 2 is already in the works!
Thanks again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:12 am Post subject: |
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I have no complaints at all... great scene work here! I suppose I could get into some nitty gritty critty but I don't feel its warranted at the moment. You do a great job with self-editing as it is and I'm fully aware I'll be going through it all with a fine toothed comb at some point in the near future to help you prepare for putting it to print - you DO intend to try to do that at some point, I hope.
DP: Break through, take as weapons, but don't do anything rash, just try to get away and keep them onhand if they become necessary to employ.
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks TB! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
| Quote: | | You do a great job with self-editing as it is and I'm fully aware I'll be going through it all with a fine toothed comb at some point in the near future to help you prepare for putting it to print - you DO intend to try to do that at some point, I hope. |
I hadn't really thought about it all that much, but I guess I might like to develop it into a children's book at some point. I think it would need quite alot of work, but I guess the basic storyline is there to follow, so that would help. I'm flattered that you think it would be worth doing something like that with it.
Thanks again! And part 2 will be up very soon. Just needs a bit of tweaking.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Lilith
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up, for part 1! But remember, it is one of three, so don't forget the others!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| What does Old Bob do? |
| Grab the bars, and jump down from the cage, trying to stab the Veeka, then make a run for it! |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Stay put, and wait for help to come to him. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Break another bar or two, as weapons, before trying to carefully make a run for it, without drawing attention to himself. |
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100% |
[ 3 ] |
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| Total Votes : 3 |
| Who Voted: PopeAlessandrosXVIII, Tatkret Sos, Thunderbird |
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