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crazybookgal
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 Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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great chapter Tikanni!  i was on the edge of my seat! as for the dp, this is a tough one. i suppose we can get someone magical to help us and trick the Veeka into thinking he's getting what he wants...or we can try to reason with the monster. if Jem has some ancient heirloom lying around, they could give the Veeka something of equal value.
of course we could swing this round to Winnie's point of view and she can escape or reason with the Veeka
watch your apostrophes, u said knee's when it should have been knees
 long awaited but o' course you always provide a great read!!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Oops! Thanks for catching that one CBG. It's been put right now. 
And thanks also for the compliments and the suggestions too. It's good to know that people are enjoying my work. 
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm loving this Tika... the plot thickens and a real quest emerges. We can't let the Veeka have either one of course. A trade might be tough to arrange so we need to rely on the wisdom of our elders in this case. Jem won't want either thing to happen any more than we do and as players we don't know what he's capable of so I would vote to rely on his ability to strategize in this case. If Milo has to do something on his own like running a blitz to steal Whinnie back while Jem distracts the Veeka with what may seem like a negotiation, that might be the way to work this. Have him pull a hobbit, y'know, sneak around the main action to get the real job done.
You really are one of the best and most unsung authors here on the site and I'm hoping enough agree, even though Lebby's most recent efforts have been astounding as well. You've been at this tale for a while now and have deserved a spotlight pretty much the whole time. Not to down anyone, just saying this is an excellent piece of work here.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Thankyou so much for saying so, TB. I was very touched when I read your post this morning, especially since I am so insecure about my writing abilities. It means alot to hear such things, as I do really try my best to make my writing the best that it can be. This has been a real confidence boost, and is much appreciated.
Thanks again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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No problem but it might make it feel a bit better still to know I've commented on the basis of merit alone, not just to give ya a boost. You know I'd be picking at it if I felt it needed it
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:35 am Post subject: |
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Like crazybookgal, I too, was on the edge of my seat on this one. It was well thought out - some good twists to it - and an additional hook with the mysterious Jem now moving to centre stage.
You've left us with a desperate situation, but with a number of characters and resources on Milo's side which has set us up for a good DP.
For critique - beyond a bit of polishing and a little tightening up of punctuation, there's not much more this chapter needs. A couple of general things to keep in mind when revising, or when writing future chapters -
Word or phrase repetition - for example: 'warrior' - and 'mindless warrior' were repeated a few times. Look for ways of varying this when describing Sorren.
Passive voice - for example: | Quote: | Milo noticed a movement, amongst the rushes, that grew thickly at the edge of the lake. Mot, using the last of his strength, was crawling towards Sorren, using the rushes to mask his approach. When he was close enough, he reached out, and grasped the warrior's ankle. Sorren stumbled, and his attention was momentarily focused on the obstruction, creating the perfect opportunity, and both children knew it.
As Sorren became distracted by Mot, Winnie hurtled out of the trees, |
These highlighted phrases are passive, and slow down the action. Avoiding passive voice can make events feel more immediate.
e.g. Milo noticed a movement among the rushes at the edge of the lake. Mot, using the last of his strength was crawling closer towards Sorren. The elf reached out and grasped the warrior's ankle, creating the perfect opportunity to strike. As Sorren stumbled, Winnie hurtled out of the trees... etc.
I'm not saying this example is perfect, but hopefully it illustrates how it can enhance the pace of a climactic scene.
But these observations are more for polishing than remediation. This was a strong chapter.
On to the DP - Well, of course we can't leave Winnie and admit defeat to the Veeka! When Chanah wakes, she may have some hidden strength that can be used against it. And Jem is an unknown quantity too - he may also have some hidden strengths.
One thing that Milo cannot do, is handle this alone, and Jem certainly won't allow him to - he's the only family he has left. But, if Jem cares so much about Milo, he'll care a lot about Winnie, too. I think we can count on Jem's backing to save Winnie.
They have until tomorrow, at sunset, to devise a plan that will bring all the characters' strengths into play. I also thought of something along the same lines as TB's suggestion.
But for an alternative option - one which might make for an interesting situation - would be for Jem to offer himself as sacrifice in Winnie's place.
That way we keep Chanah and Winnie - but Jem would be a stronger adversary for the Veeka - and he has the wisdom and cunning of Old Bob, Violet and Rosie on his side.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:04 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Superb! Invigorating! Just what I'd expect form you. Thank My Lucky Star, Jem's a good guy! YAY! *Does a happy dance*
Sorry, not enough sleep. Anyway! As much as I'd love sending the little guy out to be the tragic hero, I'd say this time, he'd be alittle more tragic, than hero. I'd saaaay.....Go back to Jem right now and demand to know everything relevant, and devise from there.
As previously stated, perhaps a family heirloom, or secret magic (There has been hints to that effect) that the kid has and just need a little kick from the warrior of Jem to come to fruition. I'd also like to see how Lem and Chanah act around each other! That's gotta be funny!
Guud luck! *Prays for active muse*
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| In all honesty I really enjoyed the story, I was knocked off my chair, and the description is very well placed and very intrueging. It makes me smile to know that you of all people have the aptitude of a great writer. I cannot compare you with any here, but yours gave me a new favorite. I say That there must be something in that book that could help you, something to help you defeat the veeka, Or something shapeshifter that could offer himself up in place of the one the warrior and veeka wants...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou Crunchy, Pope and Splitpin, for your comments, compliments, and suggestions. I'm glad you all liked it.
@Crunchy - I'll look out for the repetition in the future. I believe I've been told about it before, so I should already be looking out for it. I'll try and keep it in mind when I'm writing future chapters, and hopefully it won't happen again. I can also see what you mean about the 'passive voice', and again, I'll look out for it when creating new chapters. Thanks.
I'll leave this open for suggestions for a few more days, and then I'll give the muse a kick, see if I can get another chapter out within the next couple of weeks.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up guys! Thanks for all of your imput.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:11 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to your new forum Tiks! :
A tough poll indeed! Well I've voted... *keeps fingers crossed*
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 3:57 am Post subject: |
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Poll is now closed! Looks like Jem is going to the the noble thing, and offer himself up in Winnie's place. But will the Veeka accept?
Hmmm, I think this is going to be a challenging one to write.
Thanks for voting, and I'll see if I can try and get a new chappie out before christmas. And I'll also have a go at splitting the rest up soon to, hopefully without accidentally deleting everything. ;-)
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Great chapter and choices on the poll I enjoyed it very much.
Probably a good thing I read it too late to vote as I would have created a tie :/
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
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My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Ingro! New chapter is nearly finished, and will be up, hopefully, very soon. Sorry for the delay everyone, and for being pretty much absent for the last couple of months. Will try to be around more often.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 1:32 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah, come on Tiks!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 2:15 pm Post subject: Choise |
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Ah, so noble. I knew I'd like him. Jem is a real gem! *Grin* Well, I'll wait patiently to see just how this comes about to the final front. *Waits quietly*
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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| ooooooooooooh i just read all of this...in one sitting...and i am SUPER crushing on Jem right now...is that weird? especially after learning what this DP has in store for him...oooooooooooooooo....that's all i can really say...as i'm off to go read more...at 3am...and i have to work tomorrow...Tika, you're bad jujus for my insomnia...haha!!
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Emperor
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:32 pm Post subject: chapter 1 |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “Look, guys, this is what your parents wanted. They wanted you to go to live with your Uncle. Now, I don’t know why you have never met him, or why your parents never told you about him. But they loved you both very much, and I don’t think that either of them would send you somewhere where they thought that you would be unhappy.” She smiled at them. “I know that all of this is going to take some getting used to. But it will all turn out alright in the end, I guarantee it.” |
This piece of dialog reads a little long. It's possible to break it up a little something like... "... thought that you would be unhappy."
She smiled at them.
"I know that ..."
Or if you don't like that keep the "She smiled at them." linked up to either the end of the first part or the beginning of the second part. In reality it mostly likely doesn't need to be changed, but it was something I noticed.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The deaths of their parents were still raw in their minds, and imagining this mysterious Uncle of theirs took their minds of the recent tragedy, just a little |
.
These lines are great Tikky, setting the mental state of the children minds yet at the same time illustrating that they are still children and imagining an uncle they have never met would distract them.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “The house itself might be far, but the estate begins……here!” With that Mrs Smith turned the car down a narrow road... |
Once again it is up to you but if you put a return stroke after "begins here!" it may help break that up a little bit.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | small, scruffy car, spluttering down the narrow road,
He was clad in tattered garments, with a black greatcoat over the top
The silver hair on top of his head looked unclean, and greasy, as did the bristly moustache, that covered his upper-lip, like a huge, grey slug. The old man took an enormous set of keys from the pocket of the greatcoat |
.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!! Bravo.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The two children just stood next to the car, eyes wide with awe, at the sheer size of the place. Everything seemed oversized, like the giant’s house in Jack and the Beanstalk. Enormous bay windows, some with beautifully crafted stained glass. Even the bricks that the house was made from were extra large. |
Once again this is a great example of telling a story yet at the same time firmly putting us in the mindset of how the children see things. Emphasizing how big and over sized everything is subtlety genius.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | The children looked around a bit more, checking in drawers and cupboards for any small treasures that might be hidden away inside, |
And another example of getting the reader to look out through the eyes of the children.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | Where it touched the floor, footprints had appeared. But no ordinary footprints. These glittered,and sparkled, like sunlight on water. |
This is just an opinion but I think that if you edited out the "But no ordinary footprints" part it would make this scene even more important and impact-full than it already is.
Just remember that half of the time I really don't know what I'm talking about, I am no grammar expert as anyone who has read my stuff can attest to.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:09 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for reading, Emperor! It means alot when people take the time to catch up with the story once it's reached such a length.
I can totally see where you're coming from with your crits, and I will at some point go over the whole thing, and have a bit of a rewrite in places. And it's also great that you point out good points alonside the not so good, which makes the critique all the easier to take on board.
Thanks again, and I hope that you're enjoying it so far!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Emperor
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:53 am Post subject: |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | [color=indigo]Thanks for reading, Emperor! It means alot when people take the time to catch up with the story once it's reached such a length. |
At the rate I'm going it will take awhile. Real life obligations and all that, but I wanted to show you my support in what ways I can.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2 part 1
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | pyjama bottoms |
Not a 100% sure on this but I think it's pajama.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | “Oh my god! I didn’t even think of that! What are we going to do? What are we going to tell her?” He ran a hand through his hair, in frustration, only to realise a second later, that it had been the one with glitter on it. “Oh, no, no, no!” he cried, turning to the mirror. Clearly visible against the dark blond hair, was a long streak of silver sparkle. He clapped his hands over his mouth, to stifle a scream. He turned back to Winnie. |
I really like the set up of this scene, how you built up the frustration until this inevitable conclusion. Great pay off.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | It would capture them with sticky gunk, that it spewed out of it’s cavernous mouth, then drain them of their power and lifeforce, leaving just a withered corpse. |
Nice!
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | then a deep voice, from an unseen source answered.
“Enter.” |
Nice setting the mood.
| Tikanni Corazon wrote: | | and turned, just in time to see a large shadow remove itself from the wall. |
Great detailing!
Better late than never right Tikky? Anyways, not much else to say, but good stuff. Your attention to detail and mood setting as pointed out above is always great. I hope to catch up soon.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou, Emperor! It means alot, as always, to know that you've taken the time to read through the whole thing. I know it's a bit of a slog, as there's rather alot of it, so to know that you've taken the time to do so is great! Again, thankyou!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| What should Milo do to try and save Winnie? |
| Stay put, and trust Jem's judgement |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Go to the Veeka, and try to reason with him |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Make a plan, with Jem, for someone to distract the Veeka, while another tries to rescue Winnie |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Have Jem offer himself in Winnie's place |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
| Go to Jem, and demand to know anything and everything of any relevance, to see if they can uncover something that will help them |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Look to the book, and see if it can give them any answers |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
| Who Voted: crazybookgal, Crunchyfrog, PopeAlessandrosXVIII, Thunderbird |
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