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Thunderbird
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 Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 5:57 pm Post subject: Heavy Metal - Chapter 2.1: Indecent Proposal, Part 1 |
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Heavy Metal
Chapter 2.1
Indecent Proposal, Part 1
Betty Steele’s fingers quivered and ached as she scrubbed each breakfast plate with slow, methodical precision. Arthritis tightened her palms and knuckles with stabs of pain, but it was nothing compared to the worry that threatened to drown her in queasy vertigo. She paused for a moment to wipe a briny deposit from a wrinkle in her cheek.
Breathing deeply she looked out the window as she set aside a plate to dry. Holding her chin up and taking in the warmth of the sun on her face, she exhaled her concerns and consciously relaxed her shoulders. “Aw hell,” she muttered to herself as she had become prone to do in her twilight years. “Who knows. That old coot could make it there and back just fine. He’s a fighter, he is. An’ I suppose I wouldn’t love him so much if he wasn’t.”
As she returned her gaze to the sink, she began slowly scrubbing at an oil-encrusted frying pan. “I guess it’s his destiny, after all. He always said it would be… Damn fool worries more about makin’ his mark on the world than he cares about me though.”
Squeaking on the faucet to rinse the pan, she continued, “Still, I suppose I need to be supportive this one last time. I guess it ain’t been for nothin’ that he’s been workin’ on it all these years. Guess I just been figurin’ he’d realize what a fool he was bein’ and he’d give up eventually. “
As her shaking hands delivered the pan to an old, fading dish rack, she sighed, “I guess I’m the fool. I shoulda’ known that old warhorse would follow through with it.”
A sudden loud buzz shot throughout the house, nearly forcing Betty’s heart through her throat as it leapt. “Now who could that be? We don’t get too many visitors these days.”
Betty shuffled for the door, feebly croaking a hoarse shout, “Coming!” The buzz from the doorbell called out once more.
As she gradually creaked the door open, she apprehensively peered around through her thick spectacles to see who stood on the porch. “Can I help you?” she asked.
There, waiting with an air of authority, stood two darkly dressed, well groomed gentlemen. Both wore black, reflective shades that completely concealed their eyes, and what little expression they may have worn on their faces. The solid set of their jaws and the stiffness in their stance told of a decided void of any sense of humor. Both wore some sort of wired gadget in their ear and both were clad in a wealthy fashion, the brass buttons on their black suits shined to perfection. They smelled of an unusual cologne.
One of the men, the pale faced one, stood at least two feet shorter than the other. He was thin and wiry, especially in comparison to his partner, a wide shouldered, dark skinned man with shiny lips.
The tall black man spoke first, in a rumbling, matter-of-fact baritone, “I’m sorry to bother you ma’am. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Agent Johnson. And this is Agent Danforth.” Danforth nodded, which almost appeared more like a twitch of his head.
Standing there in her flower patterned nightgown and fuzzy slippers, Betty replied, “Is there something I can do for you gentlemen?”
Agent Danforth piped in, “Is this the home of a,” he paused as he pulled a note card out of his shirt pocket, “Walter Steele?”
“He’s not here right now.” Betty wavered. “Can I leave a message for him?”
Agent Johnson calmly replied, “No ma’am. We simply have a few questions for him. You wouldn’t happen to know one of his associates would you? A young man by the name of David Luke?”
“Yes, I know Dave. Why?” Something didn’t seem right about this. What has Walt gotten into now? she wondered.
“ We’re wondering where he might be found,” Danforth chirped.
“We simply have some questions to ask him,” Johnson added, muscles rippling beneath his suit shirt.
“He’s hard to keep track of,” Betty quivered an answer. “But I’ll let him know you stopped by,” She offered in a helpful tone.
“Is he likely to come here any time soon?” Danforth pried.
“I…” Betty stammered, “I suppose. But I think he’s out of town at the moment.”
“What about your husband, Walter?” Johnson rumbled. “Surely he’ll be home in time for supper?”
“Yes,” she answered, “He’d better be!”
“Do you mind, then, if we wait here for him? It’s very important you see…” injected Danforth.
“Well…” Betty couldn’t figure out what to say to deflect them. I hope you’re not in trouble Walt she thought as her gaze fell. “Come on in then. I’ll make you some tea.”
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 9:04 am Post subject: |
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Don't forget your eplises or exclamation. elipses are these > ... < Since she is muttering it would need elipses, but since she is saying it fast, she has to utter it, or another word. Since she is trying to think she is still young or using her young years words she would utter them.
I've read this once before.  Good so far, agency at the house. Very nice!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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Here's another interesting issue.
I take elipses to mean the character had intended to say something more but either drifted off or was interrupted. Anyone read this differently aside from BBS here?
I will admit I overuse them in general though.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 7:55 pm Post subject: |
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| If your worried about over using them, finish the sentence, or you can leave the sentence as it is without the elipses add - to show interuption, -- for after said number one, two... Or etcetera with the rest of the dailogue.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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In dialogue, use ellipses to show interruption, either by the same character or by another. For example if a character doesn't finish their own sentence or trails off in thought, or if another character cuts off the first character's sentence.
e.g. | Quote: | “Do you mind, then, if we wait here for him? It’s very important you see…” injected Danforth.
“Well…” Betty couldn’t figure out what to say to deflect them. I hope you’re not in trouble Walt she thought as her gaze fell. “Come on in then. I’ll make you some tea.” |
Danforth's is incorrect. He's finished deliberately, waiting for Betty's response. There should be a comma after 'you see'.
Betty's is correct. She's interruped her verbal dialogue with her own internal thought.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:56 pm Post subject: Re: Heavy Metal - Chapter 2.1: Indecent Proposal, Part 1 |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | She paused for a moment to wipe a briny deposit from a wrinkle in her cheek. |
damn thats a good line
| Thunderbird wrote: | | Holding her chin up and taking in the warmth of the sun on her face |
The way this line is just eased into that paragraph brings so much to it. Well done.
| Thunderbird wrote: | | The solid set of their jaws and the stiffness in their stance told of a decided void of any sense of humor. |
I liked all the detail of that paragraph, included was this sentence. But in my opinion this particular sentence reads a little cold or cumbersome - which one I can't tell. Perhaps something like.... "Everything from the set of their jaws and stiff stances spoke to utter humorlessness." .... Honestly I don't think that fixes it but it may point out what I'm trying to get at.
| Thunderbird wrote: | dark skinned man with shiny lips.
, which almost appeared more like a twitch of his head. |
The nuance of the descriptions here are excellent to point out at how well they were done.
Good stuff TB, I'll keep trying to catch up and I hope these very, very belated one are somehow helpful.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Crunchyfrog wrote: | In dialogue, use ellipses to show interruption, either by the same character or by another. For example if a character doesn't finish their own sentence or trails off in thought, or if another character cuts off the first character's sentence.
e.g. | Quote: | “Do you mind, then, if we wait here for him? It’s very important you see…” injected Danforth.
“Well…” Betty couldn’t figure out what to say to deflect them. I hope you’re not in trouble Walt she thought as her gaze fell. “Come on in then. I’ll make you some tea.” |
Danforth's is incorrect. He's finished deliberately, waiting for Betty's response. There should be a comma after 'you see'.
Betty's is correct. She's interruped her verbal dialogue with her own internal thought. |
I admit to only very informally and loosely knowing how and when to use those little dots. In everyday life, meaning when I'm not writing stories and such, if and when I used them I used them to give a pause.
Great instruction/example of how to use them and in which cases they work.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you dearly for your much appreciated input Emperor!
That line does appear somewhat cumbersome... not sure how or if I sorted it out in v2 but I'll try to consider a way to rework it a bit. Then again, I wonder if the 'feel' of the sentence structure adds to the message on a level beneath sub-textual... might be better as is for that reason I wonder. Anyhow, its appreciated you pointing it out and I'll take a look at it again on an inevitable edit.
And as always, thank you for reading!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | Then again, I wonder if the 'feel' of the sentence structure adds to the message on a level beneath sub-textual |
Indeed if the point is to seem cold and impenetrable then the sentence is better off in its original state.
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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