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Anchorage Horror: Chapter One {Warning}

 
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:46 am    Post subject: Anchorage Horror: Chapter One {Warning} Reply with quote


WARNING: Extreme Adult Subject Matter, Violent Themes. If under 18, please turn back NOW. You've been warned.

Anchorage Horror:

Prologue:

Down inside a basement several students were messing around with unknown chemicals, and unstudied characteristics. Most of these students worked and studied for the Umbrella Corporation, But it was unknown to the company that they were taking and screwing with the formula's themselves. Several tests had been conducted on animals already. Dead rabbits and mice lay in their cages, which ran all along the walls of the basement room. A dimly lit lantern was the only source of light in the room, and often was left shining throughout the night as the students continued experiments. Umbrella had already caught and began working with a virus, One that with perfection could heal a humans every ailment. But these students, they didn't just want to settle with curing the ailments. Instead they wanted to branch out, creating stronger faster humans. With their virus they wanted to create mortals that can survive from basic all the way to brutal attacks on their form, As well as be able to sustain through any kind of circumstance. The one thing these boys and girls did not count on, was the damage it would do to the humans infected, and just what those affected could do to them when in contact with them.

------------------------------


Chapter One - Mistaken Identity

Thud, Thud.. Smash! Several large shards of glass could be seen falling out of an upstairs apartment and onto the ground below. A scream of terror followed, radiating through the apartment complex. Over and over, loud cries of pure, unquenchable fear escaped into the night, breaking through the prior silence. A woman's form approaches a window followed by a shadowy figure, which after a few moments appears to be a male shape. One difference although is the bloodied form, and the severity of legions along his body. One glance and one would believe this to be some form of fight between spouses, But anyone that got close enough would realize its anything but that. Moments passed as the woman struggled, until it looked as if the unknown figure bit into the woman. A loud scream filled the air and blood splashed until the walls were covered as her artery began bleeding out into the room. Soon after the body collapsed out of the window, the figure falling with it and landing atop of the body on the ground. Long blonde strands of hair flew around her body and curled into her body parts as they all tangled together with the fall. As she hit the ground deep blue eyes were left open, a deep penetrating gaze of horror and anguish written in them.

A dark cloudy night held everyone inside, a storm brewing from the southern edge of the county would prove to be deadly, so they were advised to take caution and stay indoors for several hours. It was on this fateful night that the scientists in the basement had made one fatal mistake. This afternoon they had injected a dog, first test dog to ever be injected. Upon injection the dog merely looked sickly, as if it were merely going to die off like the rabbits and mice had all previously done. Thinking they had failed once more they had left to get some dinner, upon returning they were faced with the dog. Bits of its flesh hung from its body and blood oozed from its corpse as it walk ever so calmly towards the men. Snarling it showed its fangs only for a second before leaping and taking down one of the scientists. Frightened the others had returned to one of their apartments upstairs, locking the door and contemplating what to do next. They couldn't just call the police, after all they had screwed with government property, and upon doing so had created another strand of the virus. This strand allowed the creatures to move quicker, be much stronger, and virtually unstoppable. Had this been reported they would go to jail, and all efforts towards this would be junked and locked away forever. This simply could not happen with as close they had come to fulfilling their purpose, Only thing they needed where their subjects to stay alive!

---------------------------------

8:45 PM Thursday afternoon

The clouds had already brought a large storm through the area, and in doing so a patrol car was needed to go out and watch for any signs of a tornado touching down. Hesitantly one woman approached her vehicle, waving forwards her team and calling them out to their vehicles. If there was anyone that could watch storms better, than it would have to be Delilah Craymore. Any storm that had become violent in the last ten years had been reported by Miss Craymore and her team, Varying from tornado's all the way to hurricanes. It would be no different today for this news team as they entered their vehicles and set out for the city, Head in the clouds watching every little movement. As they approached the shoreline of Anchorage they saw faint glimmers of monsoons as they twirled on the waters about fifty to one hundred feet away from the city. Calling it in the team made sure to advise the nearby shore line to evacuate, broadcasting it on radios and televisions alike for two minutes every ten minutes.

Steaming into town, it was obvious that people may have already started evacuating on their own. Driving past an apartment building they noticed some broken windows and glass inside of an upper window. After calling it in they tried to get a hold of local police, Dialing time and time again, only to have the phones continue ringing. Shrugging it off, and meaning to report it later after their search they continued on up the street. Shortly down the street they noticed a pile of something in the road, a foul odor came into their car windows making them roll them up before having to get out of them. Upon getting out of the car the crew had to put their arms over their noses to prevent the smell it was that outstanding. Most of them stood back, including Delilah who sent forth two of her men to check out the situation.

As the men approached it became apparent that these were people in the streets, one man turned back to wave at Delilah while another moved closer still approaching the people and leaning a hand down to touch ones shoulder as they had not turned around. Within seconds the further man was face to face with a gnarled a set of penetrating eyes, the look of them drawing one in as they were so gorgeous. Gashes were on her arms and legs, and several on her chest as well as her knee bones seemed to be sticking out from the skin themselves. Cringing was the slightest thing anyone would do upon looking at the woman's body, except that the man had no chance to do so as the woman had bitten down on his leg as she turned around. Bits of flesh was ripped from his leg as he fell to the ground in shock, letting out a terror scream he could only watch on as the others in the group turned to join the woman. All of them had different various legions and markings on their body, a total of five figures now advancing and attacking the man, eating and tearing at his flesh until he no longer screamed.

The man that had called back to the group turned just in time to see his buddy being attacked by the group, but didn't have time to run before a dog launched up and bit into his neck. This man also fell to the ground, and was torn up bit by bit until he no longer screamed. The group seeing these two being attacked ran in a frenzy back to the car, Locking their doors and looking forward to their fallen comrades, disbelief clear on their faces as well as shock.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright ladies and gents, Will wait til Thursday evening before putting up a poll. Lets see some crits and opinions, Please and thank you!
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 10:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not exactly sure what the DP here is, so I can't comment on that.


Other than that, there are a few minor grammatical errors, such as ' This simply could not happen with as close they had come to fulfilling their purpose, Only thing they needed where their subjects to stay alive!' This has unneeded capitalization on only, and has where in place of were.

Also, just my opinion, but feel free to slow down a little. 90% of horror is in the atmosphere and description before the terrible things start to happen. This story could go very far with a little extra detail and description.

Anyway, solid start, and with a little work could be pretty good. I'll be watching this one.
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Believe you me, That is my slow down version of this story. I am bringing much more chaos and destruction with this one, enough to blow the socks off someone even. As for a DP, I mainly just wanted opinions and thoughts on this one.. Kinda give the feel of the story and see what everyone thought about it before writing up chapter two (Containing a DP). Thank you for the helpful advice, and hope you look forward to reading chapter two, which I will be writing up very shortly.

Any other comments or suggestions are welcome, and even invited. Happy SGing everyone!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

**Alright, I know many of you may have had doubts about this being a horror, With it being a lack of description.. I give you chapter two, as well as our first DP! WARNING: Extreme Adult Subject Matter, Violent Themes. If under 18, please turn back NOW. You've been warned. Blows kiss and disappears into smoke**
Chapter Two:


Several terrorized moments passed as the crew of four huddled into the dashboard to look out and onto their buddies, or what was left of them being eaten in the roadway in front of themselves. To their left a van was ran into a telephone pole, to the right another looked as if something had been dragged from the drivers side window. Blood coated both cars in various spots, but it was clear from the blood on the car to the right that the person had been bitten and dragged as the blood left a smear going all the way down the door. A hand print was on the windshield of that car, the light bouncing off the glass indicating that it was smeared inside the vehicle. A cringe of terror ran down Delilah's arms as she shivered from fear, eyes darting left and right trying to find somewhere to escape. Images of the smear on the one car played over in her mind, making it clear that they could not stay where they were. If they were to stay in the van, surely the five zombies as well as the dog would break through and attack them all as they had done to the owner of the car.

Turning back to the van on the left she examined the damage done to the motor, the pole having smashed into the motor and had at one time caught fire and burned one third of the telephone pole. Sighing she looked just behind the van and noticed the apartment building, at first glance she spotted the broken window upstairs. Shaking her head she turned back to her crew before speaking, "We have to get to better cover, We are not safe here." She pointed towards the grey building and spoke again, "That looks like an apartment building, Maybe if we can get inside we can find a working phone or something." She brushed one hand after the other over her arms before speaking again, "You all will have to stick close, anyone got some sort of gun or something?" She rose an eyebrow, but was quickly dismayed as everyone shook their heads. Sighing again, she looked back at the crew making sure that those things were still occupied before opening her door. The crew behind her opened the large sliding door quietly and followed her, all of them taking one more look at the terrifying scene before running as quick as their legs would carry them.

One man had hold of his camera still, the image viewer having caught sight of the monsters before he had turned to run. Images of grass now were being recorded as he raced towards the house behind Delilah. As soon as the group made it to the porch of the home they all stopped, blood being shown all over the windows in front of them as well as the door handle. Gulping quickly Delilah moved forward closing her hands around the door handle as she turned it the blood stuck to her hand, sticky and cold. Holding down the vomit that ached in her throat she closed her eyes as she got the door to open, shaking her hand off of the door knob and onto her jeans. Wiping at her jeans until all of the blood coated her right thigh, Delilah looked around the room quickly, then blanched as the smell suddenly hit her, making her unable to hold it any longer. Vomit came spraying from her lips forwards onto the floor in front of her, her figure bending at the middle. After a few minutes she stopped and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, Looking to her crew. Several of them had done the same thing that she had done, and now stood wiping their lips.

The camera man stood beside Delilah however now, running one hand over her back as he looked down the hallway in front of them all. Blood was all over this room as well, several hand prints on the walls, and a smear was on the floor as if someone or something had dragged something along the floor. Shaking her body Delilah leaned into the man beside her and spoke softly, "I don't know what happened Mike, But it is disgusting in here." She tried to laugh off the situation, Mike now laughing with her before she leaned up on her own again. The group all began to walk at once, all of them to afraid to move without another moving. Delilah and Mike both led the team down the corridor, although it was the woman who took front of everyone. All eyes darted around the room constantly as they moved, noticing the upcoming turn of the hallway, as well as a doorway off to the right almost directly before the turn. Mike made a short gruff noise and nodded to the boys behind them, motioning for them to go and check the door.

He shot a hand forward, to stop Delilah from grabbing hold of the door handle herself. Delilah glanced up at him, giving him a cocky smirk although she did stay back as he requested. Mike watched as Delilah did this, her tongue darting out to wet her lips, and then back in before he turned back to the boys. Shaking his head slightly he looked back with a silent chuckle, attention not completely on anyone. The two younger men looked to each other, silently trying to decide which one would open the door. Both of them nodded and shook their head before one finally reached out and grabbed the handle. As he turned the knob he looked back at the group, pushing the door open just slightly. A loud hiss could be heard inside the room, as well as that familiar scent filled the air. All of them held their nose as the door was opened further, all of them shaking nervously as if expecting something to jump at the boy that had opened the door.

As the door hit the wall behind it they all jumped slightly, except for Mike who now was walking in past all of the others. Glancing around he noticed a window on the far end of the hall that had been broken through, Shards of glass could be seen sticking up out of the window ledge. After a few moments he spotted a computer, the screen was still intact although it was flashing black screen every few seconds. It became obvious that this was recording something from a camera, although something had quite possibly nearly broken the camera being shown. Delilah moved into the room, taking note of the vast arrangement of computers that Mike had moved towards and then at second glance she looked off to the right side of the room, on the wall she noticed an older looking telephone. Rushing forward she wanted to grab the it, but the bloody print on them made her halt in her tracks.

Staring at the blood for only a moment, Delilah looked back to Mike before speaking, "Those things show anything important Mike, looks to me like they are stationed all around this place." She looked to find the others that were spread throughout the room before picking the phone up with one hand.


DP:


*~*Should i make it easy, having the phone work and them being able to get a hold of the police?*~*
*~*Is the phone dead, not even a dial tone, Making them continue their search through the building?*~*
~*~ Or ~*~
*~*Tell me what should happen next!*~*

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ven!


Sorry I missed the deadline for chapter 1. My head's been in the clouds for the last week, and I just haven't been able to focus properly on writing my crits. The following critique is for both chapters to make up for it. Smile


Interesting premise we have here. The animal testing part at the beginning had me horrified from the off (majorly into animal rights here, lol! Wink). The whole idea sounds very Night of the Living Dead (though I could be wrong at this point, of course), and I look forward to seeing where it goes to. Smile

Interesting as well is the connection to the storms. At this point, I don't actually know if the storms and the zombie-like people are connected at all, but it's struck me whilst reading that it might be, and I found that to be an idea that drew me in. Smile


I found a few things...

Chapter 1


Quote:
Several tests had been conducted on animals already, dead rabbits and mice laying in cages ran all along the walls of the basement room.


This sentence doesn't quite read right to me. I think it's the word 'laying' that's jarring it for me. The first part of the sentence is good, it's just the latter part that I think needs a little rewording. Maybe...

Several tests had been conducted on animals already, leaving rabbits and mice lying dead in their cages, which ran all along the walls of the basement room.

or split into two sentences instead.

Several tests had been conducted on animals already. Dead rabbits and mice lay in their cages, which ran all along the walls of the basement room.

I think personally that the latter sounds the better of the two, but it's up to you whether you prefer the other, or choose neither. Smile


Quote:
A dimly lit lantern was the only source of light in the room, and often times was left shinning throughout the night as the students continued experiments.


I think that the removal of 'times' would make the sentence flow better. And minus an 'n' in shining.

Quote:
Thud, Thud.. Smash! A loud smash was heard in an upstairs apartment, Several large shards of glass falling out of it and onto the ground below.


It's established that there was a smashing noise, and the two in close conjunction are jarring. Maybe change the second one to 'crashing noise/sound' instead, or something like that.

Quote:
A scream of terror could now be heard, over and over again for several minutes loud cries of terror could be heard escaping the apartment complex.


This sentence needs a bit of work.

Okay, firstly we have two double usages in the same sentence, the 'terror' marked in red, and the 'could be heard' marked in blue. There are plenty of words meaning the same as terror, though it is a chance to possibly use a little embellishment to add to the scene. Terror is a very powerful word, more so than fear. So if one was to use 'fear' in it's place, it would require a little extra description. Words like 'pure' and 'unquenchable' might add to the urgency of the fear itself. Used together, they create quite the image. Pure, unquenchable fear. This, or something much like it, could be used in the place of the second terror. I think that, again, the sentence would benefit from being split in two.

Now, the 'could (now) be heard' parts are a little trickier. I'm going to say they should both be cut. Something like the following will sound and flow better...

A scream of terror followed, radiating through the apartment complex. Over and over, loud cries of pure, unquenchable fear escaped into the night, breaking through the prior silence.

The same message is put across.


Quote:
Gnarling it showed its fangs only for a second before leaping and taking down one of the scientists.


Snarling?

Quote:
Driving past an apartment building they noticed some broken windows and glass inside of an upper window, Calling it in they tried to get ahold of local police. Dialing time and time again, only to have the phones continue ringing.


Need to switch around the full stop and the comma here. The former after 'window' and the latter after 'police'.

Quote:
Within seconds the further man was face to face with a gnarled figure of a woman, the same woman that had fallen out of the apartment window.


Okay, there's nothing wrong with how this is written, but it does highlight a separate issue with the story. The way this is written, it's very detached and impersonal. There's not a main character to focus upon. We have the name Delilah Craymore, but we're not experiencing anything from her point of view. The sentence quoted above is a victim of this way of writing. Because the only one who knows that this is the woman, or that there even was a woman who fell out of the apartment window is the reader.

Now, this worked fine for the first two sections of the chapter, as there are no other characters involved. Not so for the third part. The setting and the subject matter of the scene are good, but there are so many more people involved. There's a lot of 'this man, that man' going on and it kinda takes away from the action of the scene, as one figures out which man is being spoken about.

Getting some dialogue in there would be a good way to solve this problem. You could have Delilah talking to a couple of her collegues , allowing us to get to know both her and them, however briefly in the case of the latter. It would also allow for them to be given names, which can then be implemented into the action scene and, in doing so, make it flow better.

As for the problem in the quoted sentence, I think the only real way to do that is to add a little description in the part where the woman is attacked and falls. If you give hints as to her appearance - hair colour, eye colour, is she attractive?, what is her physique like?, etc. Doesn't have to be all of these things, but just something so that the reader knows what she looks like, with possibly one thing standing out from the others as truly identifying. So that when you implement the description again into the action sequence afterwards, the reader will know without a shadow of a doubt that they're reading about the same woman. A vivid description of her eye colour maybe?

Chapter 2


Quote:
A hand print was on the windshield of that car, as it probably was inside the vehicle.


The latter part of the sentence isn't quite worded right. Maybe something like...

A hand print was on the windshield of that car, the light bouncing off the glass indicating that it was smeared inside the vehicle.


Quote:
Wiping at her jeans until all of the blood coated her right thigh, Delilah looked around the room quickly. The smell of the room caught her suddenly, making her unable to hold it any longer.


Double usage of 'the room' here. I would suggest combining the two sentences to get rid of one of them.

Wiping at her jeans until all of the blood coated her right thigh, Delilah looked around the room quickly, then blanched as the smell suddenly hit her, making her unable to hold it any longer.

Quote:
Delilah leaned into the man beside her and spoke softly, "I don't know what happened Mike, But it is disgusting in here."


Dialogue should be separated from the rest of the paragraph.

Quote:
One hand shooting forward and stopping Delilah from grabbing hold of the door handle herself.


Sounds like an incomplete sentence when reading. Would read better as...

He shot a hand forward, to stop Delilah from grabbing hold of the door handle herself.

Also, this and the following sentence read like they should be part of the former paragraph rather than the beginning of the new one.


Quote:
The tension and atmosphere around the two suggested some kind of chemistry, Although nothing stuck out about them, suggesting a hidden chemistry.


Chemistry is something that is felt a lot more in a story when it's described rather than just being stated as existing. The actions of the two would give the readers a lot more, even if it's secret/hidden.

Mike smiled back at her, allowing his hand to brush across her arm as he drew it away.

This makes it obvious that there's something between them, even if it's hidden from each other or the other members of the group. It's a small action of slight affection. It could come across as being merely friendship, but it can also be built upon over the course of the story to make it into a more romantic/sexual thing.


Quote:
Rushing forward she wanted to grab the telephone, but the bloody print on them made her halt in her tracks.


The word telephone is used at the end of the prior sentence, so this one can be changed to 'it' and would help the flow.

~~~

I hope this hasn't been too much to take all at once. Truly, I think the idea and setting of the story is good and it grabs my interest, and generally the text is fine. There are just a few bit'n'bobs that need a little work. But this critique isn't meant to be insulting or taken as negative in any way. I'm just trying to help others in the way that I've been helped since I got here. That's not to say that I am in any way an expert on this stuff. My actual knowledge is very basic, especially compared to some.

My general thoughts on the story so far is that it has the potential to be very good, but there's a lot of room for embellishment. Think of it in the way of a piece of art. You paint the basic picture, then add in all the details that make it more attention-grabbing, interesting and attractive. Take the following basic example...

In the middle of the park there was a tree.

Now, this sentence alone works fine. It gets the message across. There is a tree and it's in a park. Everything one needs to know about the setting is right there. But why stop there? Language is a wonderful thing. We have so many words that can be weaved into our stories, some of them entirely unnecessary, but, in the same way that sewing beads onto a plain hat can make it beautiful, so to can these words have the same effect on a mere sentence.

The park was large, a mass of green and life, and at it's centre was a tree, it's gnarled trunk thickened by age, and it's branches stretched wide, like arms attempting to embrace the world around it, each one tipped in a flourish of leaves and swollen blossoms ready to burst into flower.

Most of that is entirely unnecessary, much like the afformentioned beads on a hat. They're not required for functionality, they merely add a bit of sparkle. Wink

It's also my opinion that the story would benefit from a little more dialogue. It'll give us, the readers, a little more insight into the characters. What kind of people they are, and that sort of thing. The interaction between them also makes them more real, and in turn will make it all the more shocking if something horrible was to happen to them. Having such attachments in a horror story is very much essential. One isn't fearing for oneself when reading them, the horror is attached to the person/people in the story, and what is happening to them. You need to feel the fear of the character/s.


Anyway, I hope this stuff helps. I know I waffled on rather a lot there, lol! Wink If any of what I've said seems a little vague, just let me know. I'm still much intrigued by this tale Ven, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

For the dp, I'm going to say that there is a dial tone and they can call out to whoever they wish to. Doesn't necessarily mean that there will be someone on the other end, after all. Wink

Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 9:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All things have either been fixed or taken into consideration. THis chapter was minus dialogue, Simply because if one reads it correctly you would see they moved maybe ten steps in the whole chapter.. Most of it was description of the room they were standing in, and the one they entered.. Which would show why talking was not really emphasized in this story, Except for the brief talk between Mike and Delilah.

As far as names for the other two stooges, Not entirely sure that I will name them at all. Meerely because they wont be with us for long, *Smirks*. The main characters are Mike and Delilah.. In turn those will be the main focus along the grand scheme of things as we progress. Others will come into play at later chapters, that will be spoken to and acknowledged on name basis, But these stooges... They are just a means for me to torture in the next chapter. I will probably say something about what they were wearing, to seperate them from the rest of the crew... That would probably make it easier to read, whilst not having to have a direct name.

Thanks though Tika darling, I always appreciate a helping hand.. Certainly know that I am no grammar queen, and need help in that department!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alrighty, only one option put forth for the next chapter.. With that in mind, should have your next chapter up for viewing within a week.

While i write it up, feel free to throw out another DP option.. Would be great to see more interest in this one.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 4:05 pm    Post subject: Re: Anchorage Horror: Chapter One {Warning} Reply with quote

sorry this is so late in coming. I'm always late to the party though. here are some thoughts and so on from what I read.

VenomousAngel wrote:
Most of these students worked and studied for the Umbrella Corporation,


VenomousAngel wrote:
Umbrella had already caught and began working with a virus


so this may be an obvious question. one that may have already been asked - as I have yet to read the other posts yet - so I am behind the times. without spoiling anything, are you intentionally referencing a certain video game. because if not be careful there is something out there that has very similar names and such. sorry I'm being so unspecific, I just don't want to say more than I should, PM me if you feel the need to have more clarity.

VenomousAngel wrote:
A dimly lit lantern was the only source of light in the room, and often was left shining throughout the night as the students continued experiments.
Though by far not the only one - this sentence was a great example of setting the mood with great description.

VenomousAngel wrote:
A scream of terror followed, radiating through the apartment complex ... unquenchable fear escaped into the night
loved these lines.

VenomousAngel wrote:
A loud scream filled the air and blood splashed until the walls were covered as her artery began bleeding out into the room
nice!!!!

VenomousAngel wrote:
Bits of its flesh hung from its body and blood oozed from its corpse as it walk ever so calmly towards the men. Snarling it showed its fangs only for a second before leaping and taking down one of the scientists
It is a nice piece showing description flowing into and transitioning to an action scene. Nicely done.

VenomousAngel wrote:
Frightened the others had returned to one of their apartments upstairs
Just a suggestion, but I don't think its necessary to say they are frightened. I think the reader and anyone else in this situation would know its frightening for see this infected beast snarling at them. Instead just show the actions that their fear is driving them to.

VenomousAngel wrote:
a foul odor came into their car windows making them roll them up before having to get out of them. Upon getting out of the car the crew had to put their arms over their noses to prevent the smell it was that outstanding

Keep in mind that my critques should only be taken as loose suggestions. what sticks out to me may or may not stick out to others. that said, this bothered me a little as I read it.

you mention them rolling up the odor before getting out of the car then have them getting out of the car right away. it seems like you are doubling up on the description. also you have them reacting to the odor in the car then once again when they get out back to back. once again it feels like doubling up.

so maybe something like this would read a little smoother.

" .. a foul odor came into the car forcing them to roll up the windows. As they got out the crew put their arms over their noses in disgust."

or something to that effect.

VenomousAngel wrote:
Cringing was the slightest thing anyone would do upon looking at the woman's body, except that the man had no chance to do so as the woman had bitten down on his leg as she turned around.
I liked this. but I do think it needs to be broken up. the flow is a little off.

all around a great start, I will do my best to keep up and post on the other chapter you have up. keep up the great work!
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