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Escaping Eternia - Chapter 16: Chat with a Serpent
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WUAAAAAH!!! That was AWESOME!!! the moment of clarity, Kobra's return, it was just AWESOME!!!

Geez, that DP though. XD ima say he tries to talk to her first. sort of delay her until he can get a handle on the situation, you know?

LOVED it Biz!! it's been far too long on this one! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love that a former ally is now a danger. It underscores the running theme of people being more dangerous to each other than the zombies. This thing seems lucid, though. He should try and figure out what exactly she is.

Also, I'm not sure he isn't still hallucinating.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


Great new chappie and what a turn of events! The return on Kobra, the thought-to-be-dead ally. XD I have to say, I'm curious as to why she's now on the side of her friend's enemies, and also as to how she came by such a transformation. Something to do with Subject L, clearly. Wink

Some very vivid description in this chappie too, especially the part where the corpses of the two women are found in the cupboard. Very well done! Smile


I found a few things...


Quote:
With quick reflexes, I jumped back, dropped the mace and grabbed his arm as the hit missed. Not wanting to give him a moment to comprehend the situation and squirm away, I grabbed tight to the limb and used it to swing him into the wall. I heard him grunt as he made contact. Moving quickly behind him and grabbed a handful of hair. All of a sudden, I didn't feel completely in control of my actions. I let my rage guide me. My blind anger at this man's very existence. My prey through an elbow back. It caught me in the ribs. It hurt very little. For a biker, he wasn't that tough. Probably a new initiate. A predatory grin appeared on my lips and I slammed his skull into the wall. His body went partially limp and I repeated the action which caused him to cease attempting to stay standing. Letting go, I watched him crumble to the ground.


There are a few things in this paragraph. Firstly, the sentence in red. There needs to be a bit of rearrangement here, as it reads like it's part of a larger sentence. Either it needs to be added on to the prior sentence, or 'moving' will have to be changed to 'I moved' or 'Moving quickly behind him, I grabbed a handful of hair'.

The sentence highlighted in green is pretty much the same. It reads like there should be more to it. Considering that the paragraph itself is made up of a lot of very short, sharp sentences, I personally think it would be beneficial for this one to be added on to the previous one, to make one that is a little longer, just so it doesn't seem a little piecey.

I let my rage guide me, finding myself blinded by my anger at this man's very existence.

The part in blue needs to be 'threw'.

The part in marked in yellow isn't a mistake/wrong exactly, but it is an example of where too many short, sharp sentences all together can be a little jarring. I think they could be combined into two sentences rather than four and it would read better for it.

It caught me in the ribs, hurting very little. For a biker, he didn't seem all that tough, and I figured he was probably a new initiate.


Quote:
Slowly moving away from him, he finished his trip to the floor and I saw blood coming from his nose too.


I wasn't entirely sure about this part, though upon discussing it with someone else, we agreed that it needed a little added to it. Though one knows when reading that the one moving away at the beginning of the sentence is the protagonist, it sounds a little disjointed from him, because it's not actually acknowledged that it is him.

As I Slowly moved away from him, he finished his trip to the floor and I saw blood coming from his nose too.

I was slowly moving away from him as he finished his trip to the floor, blood coming from his nose.

These both fix that problem, though I cannot take the credit for the latter version myself. Wink


For the dp, I'm going to say that, considering that that girls are in danger of Kobra's wrath too, Silver shouldn't be too rash. Though talking may not do any good, considering Kobra's changed state, I think he should at least try. I think that any other reaction is going to get himself, Ana and Rat killed. After all, it's not just Kobra we're dealing with here. Subject L is on her side too, and is nearby.


Much enjoyed Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one, biz! Despite having no time to even eat these few days, I managed to read this chapter. The plot definitely thickens, in this one.

I think the first order of business is to lead Kobra away from the girls. Then, find out what she is.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:24 pm    Post subject: I Think. . . . . . Reply with quote

PURE AWESOMESAUSE! Made me wanna smash some heads while reading it. His feelings in this really work their way into the reader(For me at least) and gives me a really "In Game" feel, y'know? Also, L is as creepy as ever. OH! And Snake Lady! Killer, I love it Razz



As for DP. . . . . . . .Wanna get the girls safe, So I'd go with the circle manuver. Y'know, pretend like yer getting ready for a fight, talk really friendly/thretening like, and move around the room. Sounds like a plan to me!



Keep'em comin' Biz-kun!
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now Polling!
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2012 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll admit that I'm not one for zombie apocalypses. I have never been very interested in the whole concept/franchise. But you have done it, Biz. You have succesfully turned me into a skeptical appreciator. Maybe its because your story has plot and character depth, rather than an endless hit-and-run survival tactic adopted by mindless people that I have no interest in or appreciation for? Yes.

Silver should stay put and try to talk it out with Kobra. If he tries to lead her away to talk, in order to protect Rat/Ana/Emily, whose to say a few shufflers, courtesy of L, won't wander in and have a snack, which puts them in just as much danger as if Kobra is still there?

With that said, I have voted, and I await the next chapter. Keep it up, Biz, you may be able to inflict me with zombocalypse fever yet! Surprised
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How does the Hero deal with this situation?

Talk to Kobra to buy some time - 66% [ 4 ]

Lead Kobra away and talk to find out what happened - 16% [ 1 ]

Circle her around the room - 16% [ 1 ]

Total Votes : 6
Who Voted: Andolyn, PaperSwan, PopeAlessandrosXVIII, sagittaeri, Seraphi, Tikanni Corazon

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:19 pm    Post subject: Chapter 16: Chats with Kobra Reply with quote

I kept my eyes on Kobra and forced myself to smile through the pain that wracked my form. Every breath I took hurt and burned. Yet I refused to tear my eyes away or lower my smile. I couldn't show any fear. She would be looking for it.

“Heya, Kobra. You're looking pretty good for being dead and all,” I said. “What's your secret?”

The black scales around her mouth moved slightly to form, what I could only guess, was a smile. “Oh, Silver, there is that wit you seemed so intent on displaying when we met. I guess its only fitting that you use it as you die.”

She started to come forward and I took a step back, raising one arm quickly in front of me. The action felt like it was going to rip my arm from its socket. I winced and stared into her cold, yellow eyes.

“Hold up,” I said. “What the fuck has he done to you?”

“L? He resurrected me. Made me whole once again, offered to let me rule the streets of Eternia again. All I have to do is dispose of you three.”

I glanced past her at the unconscious forms of Rat and Ana. The thought of this thing touching either of them again infuriated me. Whatever this thing was, it wasn't Kobra. I only knew her a short amount of time but I had seen enough to know that she would never intentionally harm Ana or Rat. They appeared to be as close as family. As I stared her in the eyes, imagining all the ways that she would harm Rat or Ana, my fury and fear mixed within me and came to a boil. Yet in the mess of that emotion, the only reaction that came from me was a laugh. I don't know why but something about it all just made me laugh.

“What's so funny, Silver?” she asked, stepping even closer. I didn't back up this time. I stayed where I was an laughed a bit louder. After a moment, the hilarity within me died down.

“You are,” I said, “L does a little voodoo magic and manages to turn you into your namesake. Even has you ready to strike on his command. Fucking hysterical.”

She dashes forward and in the blink of an eye, is shooting past me. One of her scaly fists raises me off the ground with an uppercut as she passes and once I hit the ground, I let out a bout of low, painful chuckling.

“Still think this is funny?” she asks, grabbing me by the shirt and picking me up to stare into her yellow, serpent's eyes. A slight his erupts from her as I laugh in her face. “You really should be more afraid, Silver. You are going to die here.”

“So what?” I respond. “Its still so funny that L has enough power to do such twisted shit and he still won't kill me himself. Its always his mindless cretins, like yourself.” I told her. Without hesitation, she slammed her face into mine. There was a small flash in my vision and for a few seconds after, blackness. Yet, once my sense came back, so did my cackling.

“Why won't you just shut up?” she roared, tossing me across the room. With a thud, I hit the ground and rolled a foot or so. The pain it caused became lost in the already immense suffering I felt. Still, I would not stay quiet.
“You know, I was actually impressed when I first met you. The way you walked around like Betty Badass, I thought you were one tough chick. Now, I can tell, you were nothing but a little bitch.” I snapped at her.

There was another blur of motion as I looked up from the ground. Then, I felt a new source of pain in the form of a boot hitting me in the gut and sending me sliding across the floor until I slammed into the wall. This time there was no laughter. I grabbed my gut and tilted my head a bit so a small wave of vomit could erupt from my mouth.

“I am not a little bitch,” she growled. The angry hiss echoed around the room as she stepped in front of me and lifted me up by my hair.

I spit some remaining vomit and some blood into her face and smiled. “Of course you are. You aren't in control. You aren't kicking ass and taking names. Your just doing whatever L wants without thinking about it. You are his bitch.”

She let out a roar of anger and tossed me again. As I hit the ground, I looked over to where Rat and Ana had been. They were both gone. Thank God. The optimist in me hoped that they were gone. But the realist in me knew that they were either hiding or waiting for the right moment to save my ass. I started to push myself up but was stopped by Kobra. She kicked me in the stomach and shoved me to the ground.

“Now would be a perfect time to save my ass,” I called out. Kobra's steps started to move away but were interrupted by the sound of gunfire. After a few shots, she let out a shriek and ran off. Looking up, I saw Ana peeking out from a doorway. I watched as she left and moved cautiously over to me. She started to lift me up and was soon joined by Rat.

“You ok, Leon?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. Just peachy.”

“Can you walk?” she asked.

“I think so,” I told her. Half of the statement was bravado. The rest was the fact that the painkillers were starting to kick in. She let go and even though my body desperately cried out to collapse, I managed to stay on my feet.

“Alright, I'm going to go back and get Emily then we need to go, right fucking now,” Ana said, before starting to walk away.

“No. We are going to settle this. L is probably gone but Kobra needs to be put down again..”

Ana stopped and marched back to me. “Are you insane? She nearly destroyed you and you want round two?”

“If we don't, she'll find us again and with L and my father, I think we have enough issues. Not to mention the thugs trying to take out Emily, Emily herself, and the city full of monsters. We end this.”

She glared at me then to Rat and back at me. “Are you sure about this?”

I wanted to nod. To just go after Kobra and kill her. But I paused. I was afraid. What if next time they didn't survive? I could try to do it alone, let them get away or I could run with them. I looked down the hall, Kobra disappeared down, trying to figure out whether or not to follow.

**************

Fight or Flight? Should he fight solo or with them? Or do they have bigger problems?
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AWESOOOOME!!! I WANT MORE!!! lol!

The fight scene was amazing. The flow was perfect & left the reader wanting more.

I definitely agree with Leon here. They need to get rid of the problem in front of them before trying to tackle any others.

Great chapter, Biz!! Can't wait to read more!!
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap on a cracker, Biz, that was great! And to think Kobra could kick ass before - now look at her! Too bad she's kicking the wrong ass. XD

Going after Kobra is tempting, very tempting indeed, but I don't think it's the wisest idea. The painkillers Leon took can take away the hurt, but they can't stop the fact that he's a human hacky-sack. So, I say get Emily and regroup at a safer location.

Keep up the awesome work, Biz! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aaand it's baaack! Very Happy

Thanks biz for posting a new chapter...whatever Kobra is now, she's just creepy. She seems to be doing L's bidding, but she also seems to still have a real personality intact. I wonder how is she being controlled, and if it's possible to break that control.

For DP, I don't see them too overeager to go kill their former friend, plus considering our protagonist is only human, I think it's better to regroup for now.
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


Awesome chapter, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The action scene was very well done and didn't feel at all forced, and the fact that it seemed a little shorter than normal didn't detract from the quality at all. Good work!


Found a few things...


Quote:
The thought of this thing touching either of them again infuriated me. Whatever this thing was, it wasn't Kobra.


I would change the red section to 'it', as the double usage of 'this thing' in such close quarters is a little jarring.

Quote:
I stayed where I was an laughed a bit louder.


And

Quote:
She dashes forward and in the blink of an eye, is shooting past me. One of her scaly fists raises me off the ground with an uppercut as she passes and once I hit the ground, I let out a bout of low, painful chuckling. 

“Still think this is funny?” she asks, grabbing me by the shirt and picking me up to stare into her yellow, serpent's eyes. A slight his erupts from her as I laugh in her face. “You really should be more afraid, Silver. You are going to die here.” 


These couple of paragraphs are in present tense, while the rest of the chapter is in past tense, so a few things need to be tweaked here.

Quote:
I spit some remaining vomit and some blood into her face and smiled. 


Spat

Quote:
They were both gone. Thank God. The optimist in me hoped that they were gone.


For the sake of flow, I would suggest changing this first 'gone'. Possibly joining this sentence to the preceding one, to make...

As I hit the ground, I looked over to where Rat and Ana had been and saw that they'd both disappeared.

Or keep it as two and make the same change.


As for the DP, I'm with Seraphi. This whole area seems to be very much on the enemy's terms, and I think that, though we do need to make a stand at some point, we need to find somewhere that's less against us first. Plus, I don't think Leon is really in the best knick to be doing more fighting. Grab Emily and get the hell out of there, and find another more sensible spot to make our stand!


Much enjoyed, Biz! Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 9:32 am    Post subject: I Think. . . . . . Reply with quote

Wonderful, wonderful, and again, amazing. I love this story. The characters are so "real" and the flow is impecable. The fight was interesting, and I love his approach to it. "Hmmm, maybe if I laugh enough and take enough hits, it'll all work out" Heheheheheh. But I digress, again, a great chapter Biz-kun!


For the Dp. . . . . . I would almost say it's stronghold time, but with one of these bad guys, I don't think nailing oneself into anyplace is a good idea. Since we gots biker gangs and such, I think it's best to keep mobile. I'd say, find something, buss, large van, truck. Get it up and running and use it as a kinda mobile base. That way you've got protection and you're not trapped in one place with it. Also, you'll have a place to patch up our poor "hero". That's what I think Razz


Give us more Biz-kun! Moooooore!
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