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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:31 am    Post subject: Starship voyage Reply with quote

Treasure Trove

1)Wedding, but don't want to marry
2)Father passes away
3)Goes under peasant's wing
4)Follow in engineering
5)Party event and meet a handsome man
6)She is torn between a loveless marriage and a run away one

Keep sake

1)Choosing the run away marriage
2)Sees murder by her husband
3)Runs away
4)Hides in a druids house
5)Hearts breaks due to carrying a young one, which is a mix between human and draconian
6)Librarian teaching kids and she watch
7)She takes on a job as the star ship engineer

Blood Share

1)The star ship is under attack
2)She hones her Geomancer ability
3)Fights on deck with three old men
4)Almost gets hurt
5)Gives birth to a young draconian
6)Holds the baby close and is warned to sell the little one, called “Quintis”

Spindle

1)The little one grows to her young teen years
2)She takes on after her mother
3)She does not have feeling of love to anything
4)She learns she has no patience
5)Her personality is cold and cruel
6)She gets shunned from the star ship and warned to get off
7)She kicks the leader's chins
8)The leader ties her to the mast.
9)After three days, she says for the first time, “Sorry”

Scrooge history

1)After saying sorry, she spends her time cleaning the airships in the storage area.
2)Her living quarters are in the food storage.
3)She starts by putting her captain to sleep, wanting to escape the ship
4)She has a dream to follow
5)When the captain awakes, she pushes off in a flying dinghy.
6)She crash lands in a deserted isolation area.
7)She cries out loud and after walking for a few hours in the hot sun, she passes out
8)She wakes in the arms of a very young yellow-scaled dragon. Someone of the same race.
9)She tells him of how she got to be half human and having no family.
10)She notices that he is half blind. He had been looking at her with both eyes open, then closed his one blind eye with the patch.
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Last edited by Kisses on Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Number 1 entry of Treasure Trove

The bells in the tower rang out overheard, thrumming though the crowd gathered in this spot where I was doomed to play out my part in a prearranged marriage. I couldn't breathe let alone the corset was not helping me out either. White, everything was white. I was so afraid that my eyes would cringe at the reflecting sun-rays. This man as I was told was stuffy, rich and narcissistic. I crumpled the roses in my hands, my heart was about to explode from sadness.

My family was staring forward with stars in their eyes at the groom. I barely even knew that my life was practically almost over.

I took one step toward the entrance, for the song to play, a loveless marriage which I would never want to fan the flame of. I bent down peeking through the large antique key hole. There were so many people, I had to tell them, I was not ready, I was not of age. I am teen and my heart could only suffer so much.

An old lady was standing behind me, she had a wart on her upper lip and was holding onto my vale. I bent down to her short stature, “Please go before me, tell them I cannot go through this....”

The lady wiped my tears away, it was the first person to understand my sorrow of giving my single life away. The security had opened up the doors and I hid away whilst the old lady walked down the corridor with the chairs all at the sides and in the middle of the floor.

When I looked from the edge of the opened door, my dad stomped his way toward me. Fearfully I took my cheek and turned it away with my eyes closed, expecting a red hand on my face. Instead my dad said, “You have embarrassed me for the last time. You will marry him.” Continuing, “One way or another.”
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I may have asked you this in the past, and I do not remember your answer. But how critical do you want me to be? Or do you just want my overall impression? What are you looking for in an critique?
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Be very critical, honest and what you think of it. I would like some positive support aswell. I however believe I've improved with my writing. I've been reading "wilbur smith: power of the sword" and "Carrie Vaughn: Kitty goes to washington" I am really surprised with wilbur's writing. The first 5 pages had horrible things-- but it is also very informative
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Number 2 of treasure trove

It was a cold winters day and my father had recently gone into the freeze of the night. He had gotten a fearful letter from a friend, he hadn't told me what friend. I however still had the grudge of my dad trying to sell me off like a goat or even easy money, money that always burn a hole in his pocket-- meaning he always bought things on lay-buy, lending and never returned the favor. He had an old saying, “For each coin which is buried, none will help.”

A warm fire in the house and I had not thought of what would happen to him, he had always the strength and the will to overcome anything in face of danger. The grandpa clock had rung twelve-past-midnight, by the twelfth stroke I had a conclusion that something was wrong.

I grabbed my coat, pulled on my snow-boots and I ran with my gloves through the cold. Immediately I knew that I didn't know where I was going. The area was misty, but I could at least see the open area where the Christmas trees did not grow. It was the only optional way he would have gone.

Each step felt harder to walk, deeper and thicker to trudge through the snow. I felt like a snowplough, dragging the snow forward, I breathed into my hands to keep the gloves warm. These clothes were not made for this season.

As I was dragging myself through the snow, I saw what looked to be two legs and the rest of the body hidden behind a tree close to the frozen dam; which split into three rivers. My heart had bounced out of my chest, it was my father. He had apparently slipped on the frozen ice. A blanket was around his body, like it was thrown onto him. Something told me that he was dead when the person covered him.
I bent down touched his cheek, he was ice cold, with no visible sign of life. I wondered if he was ever going to have a change of heart with my arranged marriage.

Number 3 of Treasure Trove

I had been packing my bags after the death of my father, whom cannot afford to take care of me and had much dept left for what he owed. It was rare to find someone who owed as much as him. I couldn't believe that I was poor, hungry and had to work for everything now.

A large metallic vehicle being dragged by wolves had just arrived through the snowy banks, ended up slipping and eddying and finally stopping at my house's door. The wolves had metal protection on their paws, head and some had a muzzle on. They whined and struggling against each other and they fell silent seeing me.

My heart was beating out of my chest seeing this person with such a vehicle. It seemed warm where he was sitting. I pulled a blanket over my shoulders and then put my bag into the back. It seemed like it was a modernized sleigh.

The sleigh rumbled, for it had a little fireplace with a pot on. The pot was steaming like a Sauna, this heat kept the driver warm. “So, where am I going?”

“You'll find out soon, I am Maize scythe. I believe you've never saw what this world really could be?”

“What you mean about that?”

“You have the life of a Almach, this home is compared to nothing of the rest of the world.”

I thought the place I saw that was coming closer, looked like a slum, instead all was streamlined. I could not believe what I was seeing, my life wasn't as joyous and free as these people. They lived in houses made of metal.

“What? I thought metal conducts lightning?”

“It's a special metal, they call it-- conveyor belt metal. Made from rich minerals all as in all non conducting. Heat, cold and weather does nothing to the form or even the people living inside.”

A large black string of smoke rose from a little round bungalow house and I knew this was where I was going to be dropped off at. I pouted my lips trying to keep my sadness bottled up. I had always had a feeling once you tell someone about your hopes, dreams and wishes that your life will be jinxed for a for short while.

The sleigh's wolves started howling and skidded to a stop. I saw so many odd creations hanging from a wooden slab against a wall. I jumped off and looked closer to a elongated weapon, It was as silver as most of the houses. “What is this?”

“It's a gun deary.” I saw a lady bringing a cup with a flask of water, she passed one for me and I accepted grateful for her.

“So what is a gun?” she pursed her lips thoughtfully.

“A gun is a weapon, you will be staying with me. I am Maira” she took my blanket and pulled me by my hand into a warmed area. The place looked a lot bigger than the outside, since there was an underground place. She had been leading me down the stairs, holding my hand and my blanket in the other.

“I guess I have to give you some sort of payment?” I said

“All you need to do is work and help me out with a smithy and engineering job.” She tossed me three books and I landed on the bed. A large light on the other side of my room shone, it was the strangest thing I ever saw. Something new and wonderful.

“I hope you like your night light. It knows when your afraid, then it switches on.” The lady clapped her hands and the light went off and back on after she did the very same.




Number 4 Treasure Trove

Looking pitiful at the scraps of metal, I watched as Maira was scooping coal into a fire place for the heating of these metal pieces. It was warm and comfortable. I didn't really trust guys at these moments, I didn't know what to think. Somehow my gut told me this lady was someone I could trust.

“So, I hear from Maize that you were to be married?”

“How did you know that?”

“Maize is an old friend of your fathers.”

“Oh, well I'll ask him about my father soon if he comes around again.”

It was silent, too silent. I could hear the slamming of the crockery by another man whom seemed to be the cook of Maira. The windows were flapping open and closing. I had my nose in the book, one of the books she had given me. Leonardo was it. A man whom had a engineer's mind, flying was the most intriguing thing I had seen.
“Loving the book. Darling, its a lot better to be practical than theoretical”

I took hold of the metal piece, “Such a small thing, making such large changes.”

I turned to the cook, “Well, need any help with that racket?”

“Yes, yes, I can't stand it.”

I reached out my hand to the window when a cold wind blew up through my tunic clothes, a shiver of the freezing day. “I take it you go to the Party winter festival, many people find love there.” said the cook.

“A party?”

“Yes with warm food, warm fires, music of the bards, stories and much much more, even henna of the Celts for the come of age.”

“I've never left my home, I guess I can join.”

“You guess?” Maria interrupted, “I'm sure you need to see what this world really is.”


Number 5 Treasure trove

A bard was clanging his ukulele in a form of a very strange song. It was calm and I was sitting still at the fires whilst men and women who loved each other secretly went into the woods. My hand was taken by Maira, “Here you need to have this.”

“have what?”

“Your first come of age paint.”

“But I'm human...” I said because I saw a few strange creatures, cat-like people and dragon-scaled humanoids.

“so, wet behind the ears....” Maira dragged me into the tent, I relaxed because these tattoos were not used in needle form.

“I don't know what to ask for?”

“Tell him this, 'Golden Feather'.”

I breathed whilst walking closer to a dragon, I reached out my hand and he took hold of it. “Good afternoon, I take it your new here?”

“Um, Mr. dragon, um, golden feather.”

“My name is Wane. I am a draconian.” he motioned me to lay down. At this point of time I didn't know he was going to tear my shirt's backside. He ushered me to be silent. “I am going to give you something special.”

A scent of the paint that smelled of lilac, as he was painting my back and arms. Curls and twists on my arms, but I didn't know what he was doing on my back. I hardly understood what these paintings were for. It was like being in a tender and loving care spa. Just for one.

However I was not alone, this tent had about 5 slaps that looked like an altar. I however was the only teen who was being decorated for so long and I finally fell asleep.

Wane had awoken me from my sleep, I turned to him and smiled. “So, can I see the tattoo?”

I stood up and apparently I had another new shirt on. I smiled, lifted my shirt at the mirror, “a feather.”

“not just a feather, but a golden one.”

I could see that the feather was golden and not as blue as the others. “I'm-”

“Speechless?”

Wane took hold of my hand, “I want to show you something.”

“Ok.”

I followed Wane into the trees, it was getting darker and I was getting nervous. Inconsistently I followed fast then slow and all slower. I felt like I could panic and assumed something bad was going to happen. Scanning the area it seemed to close off with trees everywhere.

My eyes locked onto his yellow mono coloured eyes, he leaned forward. I was about to turn away. But something told me I wanted him to come closer. I was in a stiff stance, barely able to move from his sight.

Optimistic he said, “I want you.”

I casually moved away- one step and he took my hand- kissing me. I had not had a kiss before , like a plague I gave in. Spending the night with Wane. In his arms and not caring what he was. Peaceful sleep as the sounds of music started dimming like the sun.


Number 6 Treasure Trove

A letter arrived this morning at the bungalow. It mentioned me and how unruly I was at the wedding. Maize had come in today and I was sitting with a sad look on my face, because nobody can be forced to do something they do not want to do. I felt ashamed of the night before. I had told no one. I kept the secret to myself. My heart held onto that night, hoping he felt the same.

I had opened up the window, the winter was going away. I spent a few minutes imagining into the future. I looked at my arms, beautiful blue circles and intricate patterns. Maira stood next to me, “Good morning?”
“My name is Noami Vipe.”

“What a lovely name.”

“Yes, I guess its about time I sort this wedding thing out of the way.”

A cracking of sticks which I heard outside, I walked out and at the corner of the wall surrounding the area, was Wade. I steadily walked closer and he took me by the hand. “I could not wait to see you. I- I was worried.”

“Me? Worried about me?” my face started red, blushing at his charm.

“I want you.”

“Wade...”

“Yes?”

“I want to end a problem in my life...”

“And that is?”

“A guy wants to marry me and I don't like him.”

“Marry me!” Wade took out a golden neck choker.

“It's beautiful.”

“For my golden feather. The first one and the only one.”
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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kisses wrote:
Number 1 entry of Treasure Trove


Okay Kisses here is my critique. Keep in mind, I am not a professional in any sense of the word. I am an amateur writer at best and these are just my opinions. I hope you don't take them personally. They are only meant to point out or spotlight the things that stood out to me. Do what you want with it, you may feel free to even completely ignore it all together.

Kisses wrote:
The bells were ringing of the large bell tower, the people whom came to meet up in this spot.

The bells were ringing of... Maybe change "ringing of" to "ringing in" also the rest of the sentence doesn't seem to flow.

Kisses wrote:
Was ready to send me off to my doomed and personally ruled-assigned marriage,

This sentence seems incomplete.

Perhaps consider the following as a loose guide on how to make those two part sound and flow better.

The bells in the tower rang out overheard, thrumming though the crowd gathered in this spot where I was doomed to play out my part in a prearranged marriage.


Kisses wrote:
I couldn't breath let alone the corset was not helping me out either

Good tie in to description and emotional state. Change breath to breathe.

Kisses wrote:
This man as I was told was stuffy, rich and narcissistic.
How does this sentence tie in to the previous two, I didn't follow.

Kisses wrote:
I crumpled the roses in my hands, my heart was about to explode from sadness. My family was staring with stars in their eyes.
Nice.

Kisses wrote:
...the eyes to watch and the loveless marriage I would not want to fan the flame of.
This does not read well.

Kisses wrote:
large olden time key hole.
Unless the key hole is old for the time in which this story takes place there is no reason to describe it as "olden time". If it is old for the timeline, then maybe try switching out "olden time" with "antique".

Kisses wrote:
Instead my dad said, “You have embarrassed me for the last time. You will marry him.” Continuing, “One way or another.”
This is a good lead in.


So I hope you don't feel I was too harsh with you, you did ask me to be honest. Overall I think you have a lot of tools and descriptive ability that you can work with. I can see where you are going and what your intent is. But I feel it necessary to point out that you need to work on your sentence structure and the way some of the words flow together. I see your hard work, so do not let this critique distract or discourage you in any way. I hope it helps.
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 6:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you you are most appreciated and honest with that post! thank you! There is no trouble in seeing what you think of it! I'm very glad for your comments! I will be editing the story once I get to the 5th piece of the story. I will keep your ideas and help in mind. I know that my puncaution and structure is not too well. I'll post up the next piece of the chapter soon. Keepsake coming in soon.
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've edited the first piece of the story. I hope your still interested in reading
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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 4:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keep Sake Number 1

I said yes to Wade, he had something that no other had, not his race, but his eyes, he seemed like someone I could depend on. I was wearing a short skirt with my mechanic tunic-shirt. My life seemed a lot clearer than before. Wade had come to my window, we had made a choice to run. I had packed all the books I had and stole the books of Maira whilst she was sleeping. I knew it was crazy.

I took the chance and Wade had given a horse for me. He had his own aswell. White and black horses.
I sat upon the horse, touched the
neck charm. It was strange that instead of a ring, it was a neck-choker. Still I followed him, the buildings made of metal seemed a lot more dull today. I had always the love of nature. The horse saddle was a bit corroded and the horse's muzzle piece was firmly in place, like the horse had been wearing it for 3 days. Causing a rash at the corners of its mouth.

The rattling of the bags at the sides of the two horses, made me wonder what was in the carrier bags. I had never done anything like this-eloping from a place that took me under their wing. I knew it was idiotic for me to have stolen the books, but I had to go on my own or at the least with the man I wanted.

What was strange is he waited until the tracks made a right-hand bend before he waved at others, saying their prints needs sweeping away. He probably meddled and tampered with something, but I didn't know what. I said “yes” to marrying him. With a fright my love seemed to dangle from a mistletoe plant. A love where you kiss only if your under the mistletoe. Maybe it was crazy of me to judge him so fast.

I could see him eying my body and I glanced a few times at him. The strange men had disappeared as they ran down the sloping roads. This did not alleviate my puzzlement to get to know him. I touched the neck choker, such a jewel.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2014 5:13 pm    Post subject: Re: Starship voyage Reply with quote

Fashion is a hot topic in people's modern life.To pursue fashion and beauty,more and more people spend much time in their daily dress and hair style.To make changeable hairstyle some people choose to wear various types of hair wigs including short wigs styles,straight wigs and wavy wigs and so on.
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