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D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
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 Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 8:14 pm Post subject: Bushido: Chapter 6: What he already knew |
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 Bushido
What happened before: When Kihachi overhears robbers planning to destroy his village, he decides to go and search for samurai in the nearest town, were he finds two possible friends, so his companions and him split forces to meet both men at the same time. After a brisk meeting with the samurai they convince him. However, Kihachi goes to a gambler that proves to be evil, and when the Samurai tries to help, Motoko is taken hostage. Kihachi is to do nothing. After a brief fight, Motoko is freed and the group gains money and a new companion. After trying some samurai and hiring them, Kihachi wanders about, and walks into some sort of disscussion. He has to choose wether or not to take some swords and rescue a girl that has been captured in the disscussion.
Monako stood there, his face calm, tilting it to create the most fearsome and intimidating look he could. A little river of sweat ran down his cheek. He ignored it and focused on his oponent. Nagami Hosaka stood in front of him, blocking his every move before he even made them. After some thinking, Nagami had decided that Monako might have enough discipline to enter as his disciple. Every piece of a puzzle has to fit in perfectly and has to have the right holes and the right places jutting out, so that the next piece can fit in perfectly too. That is why, no matter how big or beautiful one piece is, it must fit with all the other pieces. At first Nagami had thought that Monako was too self-centered and perhaps malign to fit into the tightly knit puzzle that he had made over his life. Preparing people and then recomending them to lords, to serve them for life. But perhaps if he let this man leave, and let him controll himself, he would become harmful, more than he would be by destroying any pattern that any lord has tried to construct, so it was better to handle him, and mold him to his will, or at least he hoped so. And anyway, thought Nagami, he begged me to be his master.
Sweat continued to roll and rivulet down Monako’s forehead, but still he could make no moves. There was no flaw, no un-eveness in his masters stance. The seconds crept by, and Monako kept inching on his toes around the sandy hill, shuffling back and forth, then side to side as his master followed his every movement. His green kimono swished around, hindering his legs. The evening clouds turned pink as the sun set. It was almost night time, and the day was slowly hardening into blackness. It was getting harder to discern anything in the thick light. Finally, Monako, with a last attempt to attack which failed, dropped his wooden sword, a sign that he gave up.
“I can’t win.” He said.
“It took you long enough to admit defeat”
Since they had left from Kyoto yesterday, this had been their first training session. Yet, Master Nagami, as he had told Monako to call him, was only testing him. He hadn’t told him directly, but it was evident, especially in the way he carried his sword always in a blocking position. They had set out that same morning for Edo (Tokyo), and had been traveling all day. Master Nagami had chosen to go back to this city of new oportunities because of some impending buisiness, which he was already running late to. They had sat in the temple until late morning, and then Nagami had tried to leave. However, Monako had begged, and finally Nagami accepted, with the condition that they departed immediately. Monako accepted and told him to meet him in front of the old bridge on the way out of Kyoto. After rushing to his room, and abandoning his henchmen to the fate of luck, he met up and left with Nagami. They had arrived at an inn an hour ago, and seeing it pointless to go on along the road, as there was a seki (outpost) , which would take too long to go through, they decided to stay. After having a brisk meal consisting of some sake and the notorious travelers rice balls wrapped in sea weed, they left their belongings in the inn and went to wash their faces off by a stream nearby. On their way back, they found a little sandy and loosly dirt covered hill, and decided to have a quick session there.
“Let’s go back to the inn now.” Nagami said.
“ Yes, sir” Answered Monako. If Monako wasn’t so impressed at the man’s skill, and wanted to take advantage of it by learning, he wouldn’t have standed the man at all.
“Do you know why we fought over there?”
“Yes, sir, to test me.”
“To test you, but that’s not all”
“What was the other reason?”
Nagami didn’t answer, and they kept walking torwards the inn. Monako thought better not to ask, as his master must have some reason not to tell him yet. After a few minutes, they reached the night shadows of the inn. There was some noise at the door as some rough men left, muttering to one another while looking around suspiciously. Monako darted behind their view, and Nagami stood there without looking at them. They were burly but untrained, men you would hire if you were a merchant or a retainer. The men noticed Nagami and started torwards him.
“ Hey you, the samurai, come here.” One of them spat at Nagami.
“ Who, me? I haven’t done anything, why do you bother me?” he pretended to sound wary of them.
The men grinned at each other.
“ So we have a cowardly samurai here, huh?”
The men laughed.
“ But don’t worry mr. Samurai, were not here to hurt you, we just want to ask you a question.”
Nagami nodded
“ Ok, what do you want?”
“ Heh. Not that you would know a true man when you see one, but have you seen a young man about twenty, topknot, samurai swords, and with a green kimono, going by the name of Monako, or Monakoro? He’s our masters son. He ran away around two days ago, and our master wants to find him to restore his honor. He can’t let his son publicly defy him. Heh, I bet if anyone smudged your honor, you wouldn’t do anything, because you don’t have any!”
The men laughed in a scornful racket.
Nagami scowled as if he had been hurt.
“ But have you seen him, you piece of dung, tell me!”
The man picked him up by the collar, and Nagami’s feet hung inches above the ground.
“ Let go of me, you son of a bitch, or you’re going to die” Nagami stared at the man fixedly.
The man was taken by surprise at the response, but in order to save face he replied quickly as he averted Nagami’s eyes.
“ Hah, and what are you going to do?”
His muscles bulged out and he threw Nagami against the wall. Monako watched his master get slammed against the wall, but he stayed behind the crate he had picked to hide in when he first identified the men as his fathers henchmen. Nagami recovered quickly and drew his swords. The men drew their swords that they had probably gained from stealing from dead bodies, and took some steps back. The man that had thrown Nagami grinned widely.
“ So mr. samurai wants to fight, huh?”
The man had no guard of any sort, and he was just sticking the sword in front of him, hoping it was a good stance. Nagami looked at him, and again the man averted his eyes. The same moment the man looked away, Nagami launched forward with his back foot and struck a blow at the man. The sword cut clearly threw him, and he fell over backwards. The rest of the men gaped at him, and then started running for their lives. Nagami sheathed his sword and Monako came out of his hiding place, his green kimono in plain view. Nagami looked at him.
“Once they give you the information you want, you can decide what to do with them.”
Monako assented to his masters teaching. Now he understood how wise his master was. Nagami had known that Monako was being looked for before he adopted him, although he had made sure right now. They continued to walk torwards the inn, which lay a few yards away from where the body of the dead man soaked the grass with blood. Nagami never asked anything about Monako’s past or why they were looking for him, he just said,
“That was the other reason.”
_____________________________________________________________
You, Kihachi stand there, your look paralyzed on the man infront of you. You scratch yourself in the head. The sword is tantalizing and tempting you one moment, then giving you the power to choose the next. Finally you remembered the knife you had in your kimono, and a quick search reveals it’s still there, ready for use. You decided that you don’t want to risk being caught for such a trivial matter, so you swallow saliva and run to the corner where you had seen the people dissapear.Your shallow breath resounds in the deserted streets. The dripping of water rebrevating in your ear as you approach the place and peek around. There is nobody. You spot a house across the street, silhouetted in the moonlight against all the closed shops and stalls. Your throat is dry when you knock on the large wooden door, and you flinch as you breath in the night air, full of mischeviousness and malice. Nobody answers. You knock another time, and as you rubb your red knuckles, you think how strange it is that the door is so large and wooden.
Japanese houses were one story or two high normally, and were made with matting and small doors, many of which are made of paper, if there were any at all. But the most discernable thing was the loping rooftops, beautifully made, and the gardens inside, with all their small rivers ans trees. The structure of the buildings are interwining and parallel at the same time, and always so delicately made. This house seemed different. It seemed tougher and rougher, a big square with a rooftop, rising three story’s high. It was huge and impenetrable, with giant trees blocking the view of the first floor on all sides. In the night, it seemes even more imposing as you stand there, all things forgotten, staring at this collosus standing in the middle of a small street. You give it a last look as you run off into another direction, dodging in between the lightless streets. The house seems to follow you into the darkness with it’s eyes.
As you run into another another wall, you turn left, smack into a diminutive town square, deserted completely, except for a man and a woman struggling against each other. The echo of their voices bounces back at them before fleeing down the solitary streets and alleys. The man’s back is turned to you, and you retrace your steps until you’re breathing hard against the wall adjoining the town square. You pull out the knife amid sharp breaths and shouts of the woman. You wish you’d brought the sword, it would come in handy now. This wasn’t your affair, but you had to do something. The shouts stop, and you take a quick look to see what had happened. The man has his hand over her mouth. Strange he hadn’t thought about it before, but he had still lucked out, nobody had seemed to have noticed anything. There was probably some festival going on outside of town, as he had noted that many workers had been excited that day. You close your eyes and lean heavily on the wall. You breath in one more time, and feel the excitement rise up in your chest as you walk out into the square. The man’s back is still against you, and he seems to be slapping the woman and yelling something at her you can’t quite make out, even in the hollow silence of the night. The woman’s eyes dart across at you, tearless and wide. She seems amazed anybody would help her, and she quickly looks back at her aggressor. You creep down the walls brushing against doorways, windows and jumping behind small stalls. Your natural clumsiness bangs against one of the poles of the stall, and the man looks around, but he stops after a while, and starts trying to tear the womans clothes off. Finally, in the clear moonlight that is shining down on the bench your oponent is sitting in, you get a clear assesment of him. He is strong and well built, but he is ungaurded now, and his swords are lying in the floor by him. He has grown unwary and is standing right over the woman.
You stare at him before making a quick decision. You start crawling out of the stall amid a bath of perspiration. Suddenly, knife in hand, you break into a run, but he senses you and picks up his swords. In one moment it seems that you will be able to srike before he unsheathes, in the next, his ready swords are confronting you, one in each hand. It is only a primitive reponse, handed down from generation to generation, that saves you from the first two blows. As he swings upward from his unstabilized position with his katana, you manage to dodge it by lunging forward and to the left, right into his wakazashi. He slashes down with it, but somehow, some sort of instinct gives you a premonition, and parrying with your short knife at the hilt, you let the steel sword slide past it. Then at the last moment, you give it a tug, and you fall down on the floor with it. You scramble away with it as you feel the hand you grasped the sword with start bleeding. You manage to turn around again, this time facing a really angry samurai with a perfect stance and only one sword.
_____________________________________________________________
Monako had been looked at suspiciosly as soon as he had entered the inn, but he had been cleared as he declared his name has Hosako Hoen and that he was journeying to Edo to serve his lord. Still, he resembled too much the description, and the bartender watched him slyly. They set out as soon as they could, to avoid suspicion, but mostly because they had no time to spare. Before they left, however, Monako managed to change his green kimono with a samurai that was coming to the inn. It was a bad trade, soft linen for rugged cloth, but it would keep him safe.
Monako was, as is any name that ends with the character ko, a girls name. His original name from birth had been Monakoro, but once, his father had grown angry at his haughtiness. His father was a ruthless man, and to teach Monako a lesson, he had renamed him Monako at the age of thirteen. He had always called himself Monakoro, and renaming himself yet again was one of his first plans after escaping. However, he had had no time. Hate for his father burned deep in his heart. If his father wanted him back, he would have to search for him in hell. He promised to himself as he did the day he left that he would drive a sword down his father’s throat. His father had, however, been benevolent enough to give his son a tutor, an adept from musashi’s school of two swords, a poor ronin, who had taught him how to use the swords.
They passed the seki (outpost) without any problems. As soon as Nagami showed him a letter he kept in his obi, the guard bowed and let them go through. After a few miles walk, they stopped to eat on a grassy hill. Monako ate heartily. After a while, he lay his head on his soft pack. Wait, something’s wrong. Monako felt around the pack again. It was soft, nothing sharp jutting out. He got up and opened his pack a little, then stuck his hand a little and searched for what he was looking. He kept feeilng around, but couldn’t find it. Damn, no, not this.He started to get desperate, and opened the bag widely, looking in. No, no, no! Wait, don’t panick, it’s gotta be here.
He started pouring out all the contents out, then sortng them only to find… nothing.
“Shit!”
“Huh, what is it?” nagami asked.
“Uh, nothing, I sat on a thorn.”
How had they known that the knife I had held a coat of gold beneath the metal? It must have been that one ronin that was looking at me suspiciously after those men came in. He probably went to my room to see if he could find any evidence, and he took my knife with him. The little stealing runt! Damn, it’s too late to go back, but I’ll get you some day…
_____________________________________________________________
Your odds aren’t good. You know they aren’t, but you can’t do anything about it now. It’s too late. The sword slips in your right hand, but you grab it harder. Blood pours from your other hand, where you hold your knife. The night wind starts blowing in your face again. You have no idea what time it is.
“You fool! Do you think you can ever hope to defeat me? I am an adept of the school of Musashi’s two swords. You can’t even grip your sword right!”
The samurai looks at you curiously. His look makes you feel more of a fool as you fit your knobby finger in the pathway of the sword.
“Who are you anyway?” He asks you.
“I-I should be asking y-you that. A-and what are you doing w-with that girl?”
His face hardens. Then suddenly his eyes go blank, without feeling. His muscles relax. You ready yourself for the strike as the thumping pain in your left hand obstructs your thoughts. The samurais sword inches up a litt-
BANG
He drops on the floor. The woman has a piece of a broken stick in her hands. You hurredly drop the wakazashi you were holding , right on the floor besides the man, and sit down against the wall. Just then, footsteps resound around the corner. Rikara and Motoko *(note: Usually Motoko would be a girls name because it ends in ko, but this is not his real name, the other villagers only call him that as a nickname) appered, skidding to a halt.
“ There he is, there he is!” They shouted at the same time.
Obakomonoyo came running too.
“Kihachi, everyone is looking for you! What happened?”
“Well, I w-”
“Really? Well, we have to get the samurai!”
Motoko and Rikara echoed
“Yes, the samurai”
And they run off without another word, except a faint-
“Don’t move from there Kihachi…”
The woman looks at you.
“So you’re a peasant?”
It strikes you for the first time how beautiful she is. She doesn’t have the traditional Japanese face, but it is softer, with wider and comprehensive eyes. The picture of sweetness itself.
“Stupid peasant, why’d you have to rescue me?”
You sputter.
“b-b-but…”
“Idiot! Did I ever ask you to butt in my buisiness?”
“But he… the samurai…was…”
“Oh, nevermind, it’s too late now.”
Her powdered face shines in the contrasted black of the night.
“But, then why did you help me?”
“It’s a long story, but I was about to get some very valuable information. I guess I couldn’t let that samurai kill you.”
How can you have been so stupid! You should have minded your own buisness.
“Are you hurt?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I cut my hand when I grabbed the blade of his sword.”
“Let me see.”
She leaned down close enough so that you can smell the sweet scent of her perfume. She looks like she is one of the geisha’s, but her demeanor disagrees with it.
“Hm. It’s not too bad, with a little bandaging it will do ok.”
You stare at her face.
She smiles.
“That was a pretty good move you did back there.”
You keep staring at her.
She holds your hand then winks.
“Maybe I’ll see you again. What’s your name again?”
“Ki-kihachi.”
“Kikihachi? I’ll be sure to remember that.”
She giggles, and then takes off, into the night world.
You stare at the street she left through.
“Wow.” you mutter under your breath.
“Kihachi! Where are you?” Rikara’s voice.
“Over here!”
Your voice guides his way, and soon he appears, accompanied by six men with sandaled pairs of feet and carrying swords. Yes, six, your eyes don’t lie. As they reach you, you get up and hold your hand like a wounded puppy. Soon, everybody comes up and asks you what happened. You explain the story, trying not to appear guilty, as you check who the new man is. He is a European, blonde hair, blue eyes. probably a dutch or a spanish. How weird they seem, with their strange culture that only accepts one religion. When you tell the story, some faces grow somber, and Motoko gasps, although for some strange reason, all of your friends seem saddened. After the story is over, Jabiko cries out.
“Why, this samurai must be the teacher of that one man, Monako, you told me about. Interesting, this could turn out to be curious!”
You examine the man closer. He has wide shoulders and a squarish, almost brutish face, but with a touch of intelligence, radiating from his bright face and sparkling eyes. He wears japanese clothes and seems to speak the language, which indicates that he has lived here for some years. Everybody at your village says that Europeans are devils, and that they should leave our country at once. That is why, when he offers to check your hand, you shake your head and take your hand away.
“Well, you were one knocked on my door, least thing can do is give you proper treatment for wound.”
His broken japanese seems wild to you, and the sound of his voice keeps startling you.
He seems to carry no swords, so he can’t be a samurai.
“Was that your house?”
“Well, obviously was.”
You slowly uncurl your fist and show him the palm of your hand. He takes a quick look.
“It just an other minor wound, it will not cut deep, but it hit a very very small vein. When hemmorage stops, heal itself.”
“The what?” Asks Jabiro.
“Hemmorage, when blood comes out. Red, blood.”
“You’ll have to excuse my friend, he is still a bit…traditional.” Gaburo smiled.
Sakiro patted him in the back.
“Yes, but don’t feel bad, many japanese are confused about the new changes.”
Numonde gently pushed his way through.
“I think I need to talk to Kihachi.”
“Now; what you have done, Kihachi, is a crime. You would have to be punished. However, this will not happen, because of a special reason. I will need to talk to you in private.”
The European does not understand, but he gives you a strap of leather with something on it to tie around your hand, and then leaves with the rest. Your friends look at you a last time, sadly, before leaving.The other men nodd and shuffle away, carrying on with their convesation. Numonde leads you over to an inn in the small square and starts knocking on it. When nobody answers, he grunts and starts shouting. After some minutes of this intercourse, a cande light shivers through the one of the cold rooms on the second floor. The slightly frosted window opens, breaking the thin layer of ice. A man’s face peeks out, and Numonde orders him to open the door. After a while, the door does open, a sleepy man holding the other side.
“Innkeeper, get us some sake.”
Soon, sake is heated and ready. This is the first time you try sake, harvesting rice was enough in your village, making sake wasn’t. Your face squints at the first blast of sour, but then you start getting used to it. Numonde ignores this and commences talking again.
“Let me start this narrative with the story of Date Masamune.”
You look at him surprised, why is he telling you this?
“Date Masaume was the eldest son of Date Terumune, a lord of the Rikuzen area of Mutsu. His mother was a daughter of Mogami Yoshimori. Masamune was born in September 1566. He recieved the name Tojirou Masamune in 1578 and the following year was married to the daughter of Tamura Kiyoaki. He went on his first campaign in 1581, helping his father fight the Souma family. At the same time, tensions between the Date and their traditional rivals the Hatakeyama began to flare. The lord of the Hatakeyama, Yoshitsugu turned to Terumune to mediate. The two former rivals sat down and feasted together in a most cordial manner. The following day, Yoshitsugu ostensibly came to thank Terumune for the enjoyable dinner. He then kidnapped Terumune at sword point, an act both unheard of and shocking.”
Numonde stops for a breath.
“Masamune returned from a morning of falconry to learn of his father's abduction, he called his men to arms and set off after Hatakeyama's entourage. They caught up with Hatakeyama near the Abukuma River. Terumune cried out for Masamune to open fire on them, regardless of his own safety, but his son hesitated. In the confusion, Terumune was cut down and Yoshitsugu somehow escaped to his castle of Nihonmatsu.
A general war ensued between the Date and Hatakeyama, the Hatakeyama drawing on support from the Satake, Ashina, Soma, and other local clans. The allies marched to within a half-mile of Masamune's Motomiya-jo, assembling some 30,000 troops for the attack. Masamune, having only 7,000 warriors of his owned, prepared a defensive strategy, relying on the series of forts that guarded the approaches to Motomiya. The fighting began on the 17th of November, and did not progress well for the Date. Three of his valuable forts were taken, and one of his chief retainers, Moniwa Yoshinao, was killed in a duel with an opposing commander. The attackers pressed towards the Seto River, which was the last obstacle between them and Motomiya. Date attempted to turn them back at the Hitadori Bridge, but was driven back. Masamune brought his remaining forces within Motomiya's walls, and prepared for what would surely be a gallant but futile last stand. But the next morning, no doubt to the amazed relief of the Date warriors, the main enemy contingent picked up and marched away. These were Satake Yoshishige's men, their lord having received word that in his absence the Satomi had attacked his lands in Hitachi. Apparently this left the allies with fewer men than they believed possible to bring down Motomiya, for they too had retreated by the end of the day. This brush with utter defeat was likely a factor in turning Masamune into the reknowned general he would one day be known as. In his youth, Masamune had suffered a bout with small pox that caused an infection in his right eye-which he plucked out himself. Combined with his early aggressive and unstable demeanor, Masamune would earn the tag 'One-eyed Dragon'. That nickname would stick, but became one of respect.”
Numonde took the last drink of his sake and ordered another jar. The innkeeper sat nearby, also entranced in the story, and readily complied.
After the new jar was brought to the oak table, Numonde resumed.
“In the wake of the battle, peace was struck with the Hatakeyama and Soma, although this was to prove short-lived. With the coming of the next few years Hideyoshi besieged the Hojo's Odawara Castle. Hideyoshi ordered Date to participate, which he did, though it is said he put off his arrival so that his spies could report on the likely victor. Since the outcome of the siege was obvious, Date presented himself before Hideyoshi and apologized for his lateness. Following the conclusion of the siege, however, Hideyoshi ordered Date to relinquish his newly won holdings in Aizu (perhaps using Date's tardiness as a pretext) and be content with Yonezawa (200,000 koku), a much-reduced income that doubtlessly did not sit so well with Masamune.
When war came, he helped Tokugawa. In the event, he and Mogami Yoshiakira of Dewa held the forces of Uesugi Kagekatsu at bay, with Masamune's first contribution to the war effort being the Siege of Hataya. Date and Mogami's efforts allowed Tokugawa to move west in confidence, and, of course, the campaign culminated in the total victory at Sekigahara in October 1600. In the aftermath, Date's lands were enlarged to 600,000 koku, and he built a new castle town (Aoba-jo) at Sendai.
He is now contributing in the Osaka castle, on Tokugawas side. When Ieyasu invited man daimyo to his palace, and treated them al equally. Yet, while they were ostensibly on very good terms, Tokugawa (nor anyone else for that matter) never fully trusted the unfathomable lord of Sendai.”
“Bu-but, what does this have to do with me?” Almost everybody is familiar with some story about lord Date, and you were no less.
“My lord Date, for I am a retainer of his noble house, is in his death bed now, much like Ieyashu was. Have you ever heard of Koukaku?”
“I-I’m just an ignorant peasant.”
“But you don’t act like one.”
You look down in silence. Is this a reproach, or a compliment?
“Koukaku. It is when one lord has so many children, that to avoid conflict, he gives his baby son a different name, and installs him in another position of life, sometimes, even farmers.”
You look down.
“Kihachi, your father wants to see you before he dies. He also wants you to have a better position in life, he wants you to be a samurai.”
Tears fly from your eyes. You stand up and throw the sake cups off the table in one movement. They rattle in the floor. You speak angrily, directly out of your heart. Your words show no respect as they would normally.
“Yes, I’ve always known, but I didn’t know what to believe! How could my father do that to me, then expect to change me again? Does he believe I could live in my village, then leave without hurting myself too deeply just so he can see me before he dies? Why can’t he leave me alone? What about my wife?”
Numonde sighs and leans back.
“I know this is hard on you, but think about it, do you want to plow rice fields all your life? Your wife has been sent a letter. However, it will be up to you to explain the rest to her. Will you visit my lord? It is your choice…”
Arrrgh, after all this editing, I forgot the spellcheck... Oh well. Ok, guys, sorry about the lenghth of the chapter, since I know you guys complained about it, but it wouldn't be that long if not for the explanation of Date. I felt you had to know about this man, since he is revelant to the story, so I reasearched him, then edited a source till it fitted to my liking. I did delete a lot of stuff. I felt that I wouldn't be an accurate source, that is why I didn't explain it with my words, especially because I always get dates, etc mixed up. Once again, sorry about the names, but this time, I tried to keep them to the minimum, only Kihachi, Monako and Numonde, and maybe Nagami. Even I get a little confused, but just take the time and re-read. And of course, I am really eager to see a response from anyone. :wink:
I got a note from Keavney telling me to say where I got the photo. The photo is from www.horse.shrine.net
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 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
Last edited by D-Lotus on Mon Mar 07, 2005 2:54 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Guyron
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| Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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Damn , D-Lo , now that's a real reversal there ! I knew why Kihachi should've taken the samurai sword ! And of course , from the begining , a simple , humble peasant would never act the way he did . Only a samurai in spirit would care about the lives of others . So , I say that he goes and sees his real father .
One thing puzzles me though ? Who is the european guy ? Don't tell me is Blackthorne from Shogun , cuz I'll laugh my head off !
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s1lents0ul
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:25 am Post subject: |
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lol the european guy isnt blackthorne, lol its Vash the Stampede, the desciption fits it.."any laughs "
Very nice Lotus, the kihachi guy is pretty interesting. i didnt think that he had royal blood. He can turn himself into a samuria and help save his village to.
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D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 8:17 am Post subject: |
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Hehe, let's see what happens. I still have two more surprises before the next two chapters end.... But remember, Kihachi has deep roots to his village, it may be hard for him.
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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| s1lents0ul wrote: | lol the european guy isnt blackthorne, lol its Vash the Stampede, the desciption fits it.."any laughs "
Very nice Lotus, the kihachi guy is pretty interesting. i didnt think that he had royal blood. He can turn himself into a samuria and help save his village to. |
Right , an anime gun-slinger has joined the japanese western ! And Vash is not european , as I recall !
BTW guys , do you now how to make a sushi salad very fast ?
You find ten samurai , and say something about thir momma !
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, the European? I just thought it would be cool to introduce a European, so you guys can see what he appeared to the japanese eyes. In the next chapter, I'll talk more about him. I planned on him tagging along, always getting Kihachi in trouble, and always carrying his trusty musket. All I will reveal for now, is that he is called Juanjo (He's a Spanish European), and his father came with a group of portuguese in a trading mission.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 5:22 am Post subject: |
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Great chapter, D. Spelling errors here and there, but nothing to major. But I think you're starting to write run-on sentences because maybe you're hurriedly trying to explain something, I don't know. I just noticed that some of your sentences sometimes did not make sense when read. Maybe next time try re-reading your chapter before posting. Just a suggestion. I like all your explanations and the history in the story, which is turning out to be quite spellbinding. I guess Kihachi should go see his father, or at least accept the offer to be trained as a samurai. He seems to have the honor to protect others, even though it seemed that sometimes they don't appreciate it.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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Could you give me the run-on sentence you found, so that I can do the correction? I think maybe you are comfused. because to my thinking I didn't find any. But it's such a big chapter I might be wrong. Again, I'm sorry about the paragraph thing, but when it goes on this site, it messes up.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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okay D i spent a lot of time reading through and i tried my hand at editing.
Ravew makes a good ppoint the largest sentence run i found was in the first pragagraph, look the whole thing is nealry one who sentence.
you missplaced the word through with the word threw, obviously sounds the smae but two different meanings
the line your look paralized ect made no sense to me perhaps a rephrase
scratch yourself in the head was also odd perhaps ytour scratched your head would be better
when describing the womans appearence as normal but its softer the but bit didnt make sense maybe rephrase that
and the line or a spanish wasent correct either
thats all i cpould pick up on great wrok D loved the chapter very twisted and well asembled good job
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, yeh, now I see what you mean. If I redo that one or two lines, how will I do it? It wouldn't sound right. Well, I'm not perfect, I know I'm bound to make a spelling mistake. What was the whole line of the paralyzed look? I think what I meant is that he couldn't stray his eyes away from what he was watching. As for the woman, what I meant is that her face is normal, like any japanese, but then he noticed that it looked softer than normal faces, on a second look maybe. I always thought that it is possible to scratch yourself in the head, it means the same as you scratch your head. What Spanish sentence did I use, I don't remember using any... Thanks for the critizism guys, I know that I might sound like I'm offended, but I'm not, I just want you guys to help me more.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| yeah when you said he could be a european or a spannish
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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oh, that, i tought yo umeant something else. So did you like the character depth? Remember the plan I had? Are there any ideas? So far"
Accept
Don't accept
Postpone? But what could you say to postpone?
ok, now to wait for Smee, Reiso, and the res of the Kenshins...did Mordok check it yet? I think so, yeah.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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nah mordok hasent
uhh i think i noticed more character depth but im not sure since i canbt be stuffed re reading the old stuff
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 9:09 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | He is a European, blonde hair, blue eyes. probably a dutch or a spanish. How weird they seem, with their strange culture that only accepts one religion. |
You mean this? I forgot to put the capitalization, you're right. Damn, I should run a spell check and separate the paragraphs, but I'm afraid I'll mess it up. Next time, I'lll make sure it's perfect though. I obviously knew the difference between threw and through, but I must have confused myself thinking of something else. Next chapter is going to be hard, nut kinda fun, cause I'm going to switch characters a lot!(I have something planned.... :twisted: )
Anyway, what part did you guys like the most? Did you like the title?
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Since they had left from Kyoto yesterday, this had been their first training session, and yet, Master Nagami, as he had told Monako to call him, was only testing him. |
You asked for an example and here is one. You tried to put too many ideas into one sentence, and that is when it starts to sound like a run-on. You want to say that Master Nagami wishes to be called that name, and that he was testing Monako during their first training session.
Try this.
"Since their departure from Kyoto, Monoko was required to call his teacher, "Master Nagami." And it was during his first training session that Monako noticed that his master was only testing him.[color]
[color=violet]I don't know whether that was what you were looking to explain, but that was the best example I could think of without ruining your meaning. I am sure you will be able to fix your awkward and run-on sentences. Good luck on your next chapter.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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Since they had left from Kyoto yesterday, this had been their first training session, and yet, Master Nagami, as he had told Monako to call him, was only testing him. | Quote: |
The way you said it did not convey my meaning at all. How about this:
They had left from Kyoto yesterday, and this had been their first training session. Yet somehow, Master Nagami (as he had told Monako to call him) was only testing him. Monako could feel it.
yUP, that sounds better.
Well, I know sometimes that happens, but did I really do it that much? I mean, it wasn't something that everyone would notice, right? It's only something some people would notice...I hope. I will still work on it, for as you know, I always use your advice...or almost always :wink:
Enough correcting me! What does everybody think we should do! |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| hahaha i think smee would be proud of my attempted edioting effort but once again Rave has shown my meager abilities up
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| Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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oooops, the qoute is what I meant to say....
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Whew! Don't pay the ransom. I wasn't kidnapped, just stuck reading D's novel.....ermmm.....chapter. 
I think the story is going great. I love the plot development and the twists.
I like the way that there are two intertwined stories going on.
It reads a little odd to me, due to the fact that you use "You" to describe the Kihachi part, but I understand why you are doing it, and its easily overlooked. Its like we're jumping from storygame into a story and back.
Its cool though, we're all still learning.
Having read some of the other posts about run on sentances, I think its more of a case of wordiness. I tend to do this too, and really look for this when editing. A few examples:
| Quote: | | Every piece of a puzzle has to fit in perfectly and has to have the right holes and the right places jutting out, so that the next piece can fit in perfectly too. |
Try this:
Every piece of the puzzle has to fit perfectly. It has to have the right holes, and places jutting out, so the next piece can fit perfectly too.
Here I did make it two sentances and also removed four extra words. You had two "right"s and two "in"s in one sentance. I think it reads fine without the ins and with only one right.
| Quote: | | That is why, no matter how big or beautiful one piece is, it must fit with all the other pieces. |
I don't think the "That is why" part needs to be there at all. It would be fine in dialog, but just seems wordy in narrative.
| Quote: | | When Kihachi overhears robbers planning to destroy his village, he decides to go and search for samurai in the nearest town, were he finds two possible friends, so his companions and him split forces to meet both men at the same time. |
Ok, this is both wordy and run-on. See what you think of this.
Kihachi overhears robbers planning to destroy his village. Searching for samurai in the nearest town, he finds two possibities. He and his companions, split forces to meet both men at the same time.
I saw you asked for examples, so I gave you a few. I'm trying my hand at Smeeology. Its a field I never was good at.
I like the story, regardless of these things, and always look forward to the next chapter. Tell me when the next one is due, so I can clear a week on my calender.
Doh! I almost forgot. Visit the lord.
Last edited by Mordok on Mon Jan 24, 2005 6:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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I'm going to post it tomorrow! You're pretty good at the Smeeology Mordok, so don't worry. Yeah, you are alll right, I do stuff to many ideas at once. But just that you know that I would correct these without help, but I didn't notice, so thanks for telling me. I always use your comments and ideas. The last one, though, is not part of the story, Mordok, it's just the story so far, and I didn't bother with that. Anyway, Reiso, And the Kenshins are left...maybe I'll Pm them...
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| hahahaha well done Mordok, you're beter then me at smeeology but i suppose thats not really a compliment when you look at my grades in the subject
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I've just decided that Monako will not be in the next chapter, but on the beggining of the next next.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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I hope it wasn't me that swayed you. I like the Monoko parts. 
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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| same here, whens the next next chapter comming out?
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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No, I'm not putting Monako in, because I realized I don't have to. For now, I mean, right now his story is over. Saxon, I'm still waiting for people's comments. I'll wait until friday then put the poll up. THEN i'll write the next chapter.
-D-Lotus (back to the old signature)
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| Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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| hahahaha your sigi should b D-Dawg now
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:19 am Post subject: |
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| saxon215 wrote: | | hahaha i think smee would be proud of my attempted edioting effort but once again Rave has shown my meager abilities up |
Did not nothing of that sort. D did ask me to give him an example. But I think Mordok one uped me on editing.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:15 am Post subject: |
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Well didn't you all do well. Even invented Smeeology, and you left slim pickings for me.
However, I was delayed in reading the story, so it's only fair; I'll just have to make do with what's left.
Sit back children, it's my turn... :wink:
Great chapter D. It seemed long to look at, but when you're reading it, it goes by surprisingly quickly. 
Far too many names for me, but I think I've caught up a bit by the end as you described them well.
Good title, a bit cryptic for us to guess anything from but good once you know.
As for smeeology, well the guys took an awful lot of them, all they left me are the spellings really...
| Quote: | | and let him controll himself |
| Quote: | | new oportunities because of some impending buisiness, |
| Quote: | | They had arrived at an inn an hour ago, and seeing it pointless to go on along the road, as there was a seki (outpost) , which would take too long to go through, they decided to stay. |
This is a big sentence.
For the past hour they'd rested at an inn. Night was approaching, and with a seki(outpost) just down the road, they just didn't have the time to get through. A nights rest would help them move faster the next day.
| Quote: | | “ But don’t worry mr. Samurai, were not here to hurt you, we just want to ask you a question.” |
| Quote: | | seen the people dissapear |
| Quote: | | and as you rubb your red knuckles |
| Quote: | | In the night, it seemes even more imposing as you stand there, all things forgotten, staring at this collosus standing in the middle of a small street. |
This sentence is confusing. The way I've understood it means that you have two instances of 'stand'; telling us twice that you are stood there.
| Quote: | | pull out the knife amid sharp breaths and shouts of the woman. |
This sentence sounds weird as well.
either...
pull out the knife amid the sharp breaths and shouts of the woman.
or...
pull out the knife amid the womans sharp breaths and shouts.
| Quote: | | bench your oponent is sitting in |
| Quote: | | Wait, don’t panick, it’s gotta be here. |
I thinks that's about all I could find. :wink:
A great chapter, which none of the problems above tarnished, I am looking forward to the next two.
As for what to do next?
Just how much time do we have left before the village is attacked. If we have time to go visit dad and still get back to the village to protect it then I say go. Otherwise the village has got to come first.
I suppose you could send the samari to defend the village, and go visit your dad with just a small protective group.
Happy Writing
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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Smee, you called that small pickings?? You posted up your normal length of comments.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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Another great chapter D. I am really impressed at how much your writing has improved. It's obvious you have put a lot of thought and time into this story. I think it is important for you to know that it shows and is appreciated.
I would think Kihachi might be taking on a bit too much at once though. His dying father wants to see him, his village needs protecting. But when it comes right down to it, Kihachi isn't really going to do a whole lot for the village. He isn't trained as a samurai, no matter how good his instincts were. On the other hand he seems to take direction well so he might be a leader for his village, a voice needed by his people for comfort.
Would he have time to visit his father before the bandits attack his village? Or is this a one or the other type of decision?
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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LoL Ravenwing, I was forced to find the really small errors though.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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Damn Smee, your post was longer than my story! Next time I'll do a spellcheck just to frustrate you! Thanks for the error checking. The stan phrase meant this:
Kihachi was standing in front of the collosus house, which was standing in the middle of the street.
Maybe I should hae rephrased it.
Thanks Random, a new post is always appreciated.
You've been in that place for 4 days, I would say that there is maybe about a week left, or maybe a week and a half. But you never know. Anyway, I think tomorrow I'll put up the poll.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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hahaha smee i could have gourged myself for a week on those "small pickings"
i think Random made a good point D has improved alot with his writting and you can really feel the time and effort he is putting in now
good work D keep it up
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| Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you, thank you
-D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2005 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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ok, got bored of waiting, poll is up! Don't forget to vote!
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