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Chapter 1: The Animal

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City of IF -> The Wheel - The Machine's Daughter

What Study Track do you choose (as Pilla)?

Philosophy

30%

[ 7 ]

Science

26%

[ 6 ]

Animal Research

26%

[ 6 ]

Don't choose - instead ask to find an Educator who will teach a combination of Science and Animal Research

17%

[ 4 ]

Total Votes : 23

Who Voted: Alegria, Chinaren, ethereal_fauna, jnmrcs, LordoftheNight, Mother Goose, Muaddib, Ravenwing, Reiso, Shady Stoat, Smee, The Powers That Be, tramp in a storm

#1: Chapter 1: The Animal Author: Key, Location: The Royal Palace

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:52 am
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The first chapter of the featured storygame "The Machine's Daughter" has been posted:

Chapter 1: The Animal

Discussion and voting are complete for Chapter 1.

For more about the storygame, see the New Players Start Here topic in this forum.

Last edited by Key on Sun Apr 30, 2006 6:52 pm; edited 7 times in total

#2: Author: Smee, Location: UK

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:03 am
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Wow- the graphic effects are great. It just had to be said. Shocked

*runs off to carry on reading*

Hmmmm... straight in to the thick of it.

A life time of logic is hard to give up, even given the fuzzy thoughts. Philosophy seems worthless given that the speech included nothing new and we're good at it anyway.

Science holds more appeal, in the name of science much can be done. A traveling expedition perhaps, exploring new locations to view the stars *cough* animals. Smile

I think the years of belief and not wanting to bring shame to the parental-set will force her to logically choose science for now.

Great writing team.

I was confused by this though:

Quote:

Its – no, his – grammar is worse than a child's. You feel strange at his awkward words,

SENTENCE (allow(diagnosis( ?Query (=(missing word)) )

Happy Writing Smile

~ Damn Syllogi is hard to speak Dept. Very Happy

Last edited by Smee on Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:22 am; edited 1 time in total

#3: Author: Chinaren, Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:07 am
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Okay! First to respond! woo.

The story. Mmmm. Needs a bit of work in places.

I can't seem to cut and paste, but in one para about the school it seems to change tense.

A typo?: "Not yet bristling with growing fur you remove it weekly"

Maybe an extra 'it' in there?

A little repetitive on the "Age-group" wording.

I would have thought logic was more a domain of the machines really. Or perhaps the pure machines.

I like the concept, though I am not sure about the first chapter. I was perhaps a little dissapointed because I thought you (Key) would write it, and from what I have seen your writing is excellent.

Still, it is early days.

Decision then. Animals are 'low', but in the end may reveal more about 'you'.

Logic I discount because of the above reason.

Phily'. Mmm, it's interesting and 'you' could well be good at it.

I go with that! Very Happy

#4: Author: Chinaren, Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:08 am
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well damn. Smee snuck in before me! Mad

#5: T M D Author: zïa,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:58 am
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Mm.. well, I thought the look was pretty neat with the axels moving around.

I'm not so sure I understood everything, but so far so good.

Witch

Maybe things will be flying along, so to speak.

Good luck to the next chapter.

(' Smile

#6: P.S. Author: zïa,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:02 am
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What should I do?

The name Pilla says it all. It's time to make things move.

Lets start touching things up. I don't know what, but anything for the better will do. That's my suggestion.

Confused

#7: Author: ethereal_fauna, Location: USA

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:43 am
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She doesn't want to be viewed as an animal. She hasn't delved into animal studies so much. And she wants her parents to be proud of her. I doubt she'll readily choose to enter an area that is not so well-respected. Despite her curiosity, or the reasons she might not be so well-suited to another discipline, she's going to avoid animals. They cause her inner conflict. I imagine she'll try philosophy.

#8: Author: Shady Stoat, Location: England

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:47 am
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I love the illustrations! I'm also more than a little intrigued by the start to this one. Cool

Thoughts? Contrary ones as usual Very Happy

I agree with Smee that Philosophy seems unexciting from Pilla's description of the speech. I don't think that she will be swayed in that direction.

I think she would go with Science... given unlimited time to assess the data and come up with the logical choice.

However, time is pressing, logic seems to have temporarily failed her... and I think she will be forced to rely on instinct. It seems obvious that the choice which has drawn her most on the day was Animal Studies. She may come to regret it later, but I think that is the one that she will pick, right here and now. Smile

#9: Author: tramp in a storm, Location: You never know...I could be in YOUR dust bin.

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 6:36 am
—
*finishes reading* WOW!!!!
I love the graphics. *wonders why key hasnt writen it.*
I like it

I was a bit confused at some parts, especially at the begining of the funny speaking. Also is Pilla human? or half human half robot?
As for the descision....hhhmmmm....the hardest choice ever (yes harder than choosing between a Greggs sausage roll and a greggs jam doughnut)is between science and philosophy. She didnt seem very happy with any of them really. if it was a normal world i would have gone for science

but it isnt. I think that even though she knows that animal studdies are not honoured she has human feelings. If her humanity takes over she will realise that a world of no feelings, free thought and imagination is not whant she wants. She will want to know why she is what she is, why she is so different and is she belongs with the animals or not.
This reminds me slightly of The Giver. A comunity where family units excist and a comunity with no feelings. Differences the people in the giver were not allowed to love, make their own choices and could not see colours or hear music, plus i'm sure that this story will be a good one with a good ending and not a good story with an ending that destroys the whole thing.

Enjoy writing the next chapter. Wink

#10: Author: Muaddib,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:55 am
—
Excellent! Great graphics and everything!

I personally think if Pilla takes up Animal Studies, she'll be mocked by the others who for now seem to have forgotten about her fleshy(not mechanical) body.

I say go with Science.

#11: Author: jnmrcs, Location: Puerto Rico, Soy Boricua pa' q tu lo sepas...

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 9:58 am
—
It's hard to make a desicion but here I go.

Science isn't really good for her. As others said before me that seems more to robots.

Philosophy is better fore her. But even with that (I'm against faune here) this could bring her "inner conflict" too. At least with the animal study she is doing something for understand herself better.

Animal study, maybe their parents wasn't want her to take it. Because it's a lower study. But if she is good enough she can bring pride to her parents (this she can do it in any study she took). Also she will be doing he personally philosophy and even more, she could be doing science with some research on animals.

I preffer the animal study.

#12: Author: kenshin himura, Location: in your dreams

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 10:02 am
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wonderfull darling, just wonderfull.

I would just be an animal thingamabob.

#13: Author: Ingrothechundyer,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 11:08 am
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Very nice graphics and an interesting start to the story Very Happy

It sounds like she is interested in science and with here loyalty to her family unit and desire to succeed she would sign up for that but regret it later.

After trying to succeed for so long I don’t see her suddenly changing her mind and throwing away all her efforts to embrace studying some strange creature. If she has time though she might take it up as a secondary field of study.

#14: they call me Pilla Author: Photinia,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 12:52 pm
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she has an animal instinct. she would use it to her advantage Great or Treasured

#15: it was a joke Author: Photinia,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 1:03 pm
—
but I mean she can be good. it isn't negative. it is positive to use it beneficially...

how about the study of testing the different animals IQ levels.

combining science and animal research Mad

#16: Author: Ingrothechundyer,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 2:59 pm
—
Hmm an interesting idea. I got the impression from this

Katie wrote:

All the Zigot children in your age group – 12 years past the sun – will be shown many demonstrations and hear speeches at the Hall today. Then they will choose their Study Track for the next six years.

You have not come to a conclusion about what you will study yet, but you are certain you will be able to decide between Philosophy and Science when the time comes.

that she is chosing a field that can't be combined but I'm interested in hearing clarification on if I missunderstood or not.

#17: Author: LordoftheNight, Location: Hell

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 3:56 pm
—

Quote:

I like it I was a bit confused at some parts, especially at the begining of the funny speaking. Also is Pilla human? or half human half robot?

i think the point is we;re not meant to know

#18: Author: The Powers That Be, Location: Santa Monica, CA

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 4:09 pm
—
Gorgeous.

I noticed several places where it appeared that commas or colons were missing.

Animal Studies is incredibly tempting, but I haven't spent my whole life trying to fit in and prove myself to ruin it all with this decision. Science it is. And someday, as a scientist, I will study these creatures.

#19: Author: Key, Location: The Royal Palace

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:00 pm
—
Wow. Thanks everybody for the many great comments. This chapter has only been posted for 12 hours, and we've already got 17 replies! It's great to see so much energy around this, and I'm hoping to help sustain that by putting out a quality chapter every week.

In answer to the questions:

- The main reason I'm not writing this story is lack of time. I'd like to do a chapter every week, and I haven't had the time to do anything close to that so far with the other Wheel stories. Another reason is that I don't enjoy writing as much as directing. I love plotting things out and coming up with decision points, but putting the words together has always been a bit of a chore for me. (I should also mention that I'm very happy with Katie's writing; I consider myself lucky to have found someone like her to work on this).
- Pilla is a twelve-year-old human girl, although she doesn't think of herself as "human" since she has never heard of humans or anyone who looks like her. BTW, in making any of the decisions in the storygame, I'd like you to have whatever information Pilla would have, so don't be afraid to ask any questions about the world that she would know the answer to. (It's always a little hard to try to explain everything in a chapter and still stay in character.)
- The Educators expect the children to choose a particular Track. She could, of course, ask for special permission to study a combination of Tracks.

Last edited by Key on Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

#20: Author: Ingrothechundyer,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:17 pm
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Would she know if anyone had tried to study a combination before? How it turned out? If they were an object of ridicule or burnout?

#21: Author: Key, Location: The Royal Palace

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:46 pm
—
At her age, schooling is based on learning from a particular Educator. Pilla has never heard of anyone of her age combining Tracks in the sense of studying some with one Educator and some with another (although that behavior is not unusual and is even expected when a Zigot reaches adulthood at age 18 ).

However, some Educators do teach combinations of subjects to 12-year-olds. So there might be an Educator somewhere who teaches a Track that combines Science and Animal Research. Nothing like that was presented in the Hall, but if she or her parents or the school could find an Educator like that who agreed to teach her, she could follow that Track.

#22: Author: Ingrothechundyer,

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 6:42 pm
—
Thanks Smile

So is putting off the decision while researching her options an option here or does she have to choose today? Or would she tell them that she wants a teacher that combines the tracks?

#23: Author: Key, Location: The Royal Palace

Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 7:31 pm
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They're expecting her to choose today. She doesn't know how they will react if she tells them that she wants another teacher.

#24: Author: saxon215,

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 3:28 am
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sorry i only noticed this later then everyone else, again!
i think i'm less attached to reality then everyone else is because i always miss these things
key its simply mindblowing, an awsome way to storygame, is every chapoter going to be on a new page with a new ilustration or keep the same image?
utterly incredible, enjoyed both illustration and story immensly

#25: Author: Muaddib,

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 4:25 am
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Will Ms. Katie be joining us? We could use another deft hand training us in writing.

#26: Author: sparta12, Location: Victoria, Australia

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 4:37 am
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Nice storyline, very descriptive and nice graphics!

#27: Author: Ravenwing, Location: Virginia

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 5:58 am
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Beautiful graphics. (I think everyone has commented on that, but I had to say it myself. Cool

)

Other than a few weirdly worded sentences, I didn't find much problem reading the story. I give my congratulations to Ms. Katie on her fine writing. Very Happy

I am going with Smee on the point that philosophy is a boring area. I don't see Pilla learning anything new about herself if she goes that direction.

Fauna and others bring up a good point about Pilla wanting to make her parents proud. Animal Studies is one area I am sure that is never very well respected. Pilla, a girl that is already looked down upon due to her skin, would further ruin her family's reputation going into this field.

Out of my reasoning, science seems her safest bet for now. I would think it would be possible for her to combine her philosophical intellect, and curiosity about herself into this one area. I am saying she literally combine the three tracks. But science seems to be, well-rounded enough that she can combine her interest in philosophy and animal studies. (God this sounds like me, and college.) And who knows, the story might change, making Pilla choose another area to study in.

#28: Author: saxon215,

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 10:20 am
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i'll have to agree with Rave and he tricombinational (probbably not even a word) idea
ahh feels so good to say
i'm with you on this one Rave
again

#29: Author: Reiso, Location: Western North America

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 10:54 am
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Hmmm... I find myself feeling a little like our character here; conflicted. While I applaud the concept and the flash interface - and am wholly impressed by the implied time and effort - I feel very disjointed by its differences from the other Wheel stories.

No one likes the picky guy, I know, but this just didn't have the same feel as the others. I make no complaint of the writing style, which is very good, but when you expect one thing and get another, it will invariably seem comparatively worse.

But this is sounding too negative; I like the story, I like the idea, I like the writing, and I especially enjoy that they speak in a type of programming language... very very cool.

As for what to do, yes she has had a lifetime of logic and that would be hard to ignore entirely, but even though it has not been spelled out, I am guessing she is human. If that is true, then it makes sense that she would be drawn to other humans - or something similar enough - no matter what they are called. She has been curious about this strange sensation all her life and sees an opportunity to learn more about it. The draw of such a great curiosity seems like it would be harder to deny than logic. After all, emotions are often impossible to explain, and far harder to control.

A last note: I miss the more immediately absorbing writing of the other storygames, but that could just be a stubborn streak from a guy who never liked change. In the span of writing this reply and the review of the storygame that required, I have already changed my opinion from feeling that this isn't a real Wheel storygame, but a spinoff, to acknowledging that it does indeed capture the feel of The Wheel, and maybe I just need to get used to it. I still don't know how I feel about the flash thing, but yay animated cogs!

:biggrin:

- I was going to do my whole reply in code, but that's way too much effort when Smee beat me to the joke on a smaller scale and I am not sure I could get the code right anyway, but I did have the idea dammit all! Dept.

#30: Author: saxon215,

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 11:44 am
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i also had the idea briefly but my internal logic processor told me it was a bad idea within a nanosecond of when the idea was concieved bue to my internet spelling and horrible grasp of proframming languages of any kind (yes a dissapointment to my father tthe head programmer at crocker data processing and master of assembler, Fortran, C++ and all those other perculiar languages) i probabbly would have endded up typing out a malicious code that broght about the destruction of the wheel and the end of this site as we know it

#31: Author: jnmrcs, Location: Puerto Rico, Soy Boricua pa' q tu lo sepas...

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 5:45 pm
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I'm not sure about this, but we have to think on it.

What would you really do? Study for six years something that you didn't like just because of your parents (and I know someone who did it)? Or you will study what you really like?

Just thought it a little...

#32: hihii... Author: xïa,

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 9:29 pm
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Love

#33: Author: Key, Location: The Royal Palace

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 10:25 pm
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OK, I decided to put up the poll a day early, because the choices seemed pretty settled, and so that I can get the next chapter up by Friday. Polls close Wednesday night. Vote well!

#34: Author: Smee, Location: UK

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 10:28 pm
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Voted for Science. Smile

So how come the poll is at the top? Confused

#35: Vote Author: Chinaren, Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 1:02 am
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Voted. And yes, poll at the top??? Shocked

Rad man.

#36: Author: Ingrothechundyer,

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:03 am
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Voted for science and also found the poll at the top a little strange.

#37: Author: Chinaren, Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:22 am
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The poll is also at the top in my SoaP thread as well! Any others? Is this a IF wide change? It takes a bit of getting used to, but I think I approve. So far. Neutral

#38: Author: LordoftheNight, Location: Hell

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:20 am
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voted

#39: Author: jnmrcs, Location: Puerto Rico, Soy Boricua pa' q tu lo sepas...

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 9:00 am
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I voted...

#40: Author: saxon215,

Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 9:03 am
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also voted

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