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Geek_girl72
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 Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:55 pm Post subject: Rite of passage |
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Chapter one: Questions
"Why Mother?"
I asked, and saw the look I knew so well come over her face, the look she always gave when I asked questions about our family. As usual, she pretended she hadn't heard me at first.
"Why what?" she turned her face away as she spoke.
"Why don't we live at Grimshaw in Alderland with the rest of our clan?"
My mother sighed deeply and knelt down so she could place her hands on my shoulders, she looked hard at me with her kind blue eyes in a way she never had before. For a moment, I thought she would finally tell me the reason instead of dismissing the question like so many other times, But to my disappointment she just sighed again.
"We live here in Atrina, Hal, because your father wished too."
And with that slowly stood up and continued her interrupted work. My father had died before I was born, but I knew this wasn't the real reason. The Aldora clan was wealthy and prosperous in Grimshaw, the lands they owned in Alderland, the idea that any man would leave a life of ease for the barren desserts of Atrina was ridiculous. I should have known that my mother did not wish me to know whatever secret she held and let the matter lay, but I was young and lacked the sense that I have now, and continued my questions.
"But we will go there someday, will we mother?"
"Whatever for Hal?"
"So I can take the trial of Kala and prove myself a man"
To my surprise my mother's face paled and she looked at me with something like fear in her eyes.
"Who has told you about Kala?" she almost whispered, her voice quivering
"No-one Mother, I've always known about it, somehow"
She closed her eyes and was silent for a moment.
"When you are older son," she said in the same, quivering voice, "when you are older".
I got older, a bit wiser, and questioned my Mother less and less about our clan and her secret, but I still thought of Kala.
One day, I remember that I was fifteen, and that it was fall, I man came ridding up on a horse to what was laughingly called our farm, and alighted near the fence I was sitting on. As he approached, an odd sensation came over me. I thought of my Father, though I didn't know why, and stared at the stranger longer then was polite to with out speaking. He Looked at me and smiled warmly, gave a low, pleasant-sounding chuckle, and offered his hand.
"You must be Hal. My if you aren't the very image of your father! I'm your uncle Donovan, your father’s brother."
Nearly falling of the fence with surprise, I jumped up and stared at the man in shock, to stunned to take the hand he offered. He chuckled again in his pleasant way before speaking:
"I know you must be surprised to see me, It’s been nearly fifteen years since I saw your mother last, and I've never met you at all, is your mother home? I have some urgent matters to discuss with her."
She was home, but for a minute I was tempted to say she wasn't. There were so many things I wished to ask my uncle, questions I'd had since childhood that mother couldn't or wouldn't answer. Sensing my hesitation, Uncle Donovan leaned in closer and spoke lower then he had before
"We'll have plenty of time for talk later son, and I must speak with you mother right away"
I smiled and nodded, relieved to hear he wouldn’t be vanishing anytime soon
"She's at the house follow me"
As we made our way to the house, my uncle whistled a little tune with his hands in his pockets, already I liked him very much, I felt like knowing him would be the next best thing to knowing father, who mother was the most silent about of all.
"Mother!" I cried as we neared the house, "Look who's come!"
My mother appeared from the front door, an expectant smile on her face, until she saw who it was I had with me.
"Hello Bella!" Uncle Donovan called, waving "It’s been too long, hasn't it?"
My mother took a deep breath and crossed her arms
"Why are you here, Donovan?" she demanded sternly, a tone of voice I seldom heard her use.
"Why Bella, you know exactly why I'm here, and that’s hardly a way to greet family is it?"
For the first time, a fire sprang up in my mother's eyes "No!" she said quietly but sharply "You are no family of mine! And you can't claim tradition to help you either, Hal is only half Aldora!"
I was amazed at my Mother's reaction to her brother-in-law, it defied everything I thought of her, and what did she mean about tradition? Uncle Donovan chuckled again, not so pleasantly this time
"But he is HALF Aldora, Bella, therefore the choice is his, you can't ignore tradition any more that I can claim it, you-"
"What ARE you talking about?"
I interrupted, growing a little angry at both of them for arguing at what I wanted to be a happy reunion. My mother raised her eyebrows and cocked her head at Uncle Donovan, waiting.
"I have come to take you to Grimshaw, Hal; you have reached the age for facing Kala. This is your chance to be accepted into the Aldora clan."
A surge of joy swept over me, at last! Leaving this pitiful farm, leaving this barren desert, finding answers to all the questions I had wondered about for so long, I was terrified that I would wake up and find I was dreaming. "
"Hal," came my mothers calm, loving voice busting into my happy thoughts, "Hal, listen to me, if you want to live in peace, you will not go with your uncle"
For the second time that day, I nearly fell over with shock, what did she mean?
"The choice is HIS, Bella, you can't influence him," then turning to me: "Well son, what of it?" he asked simply.
I looked from my uncle's laughing brown eyes to my mother's pleading blue ones. I felt I would burst.
What does Hal do?
Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Wed Jun 14, 2006 6:47 am; edited 11 times in total
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WolfeBane
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| Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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| very good start geekgirl
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Geek Girl, 
A great opening to your story. This really could expand well into a good storygame. 
Spelling was good - with only a couple of typo's like using 'to' instead of 'too'.
The only thing that put me off was the spacing. The whole thing is clumped together in a big, hard-to-read, lump. New lines after dialogue make all the difference.
The decision point is a big one, but I'm not sure whether both options are really viable choices - could you continue writing this if everyone votes to stay with his mum? What would you write about if that happened?
Storygame authors have to be ready for anything and I hope you are.
Keep it coming,
Happy Writing. 
P.S As a new fantasy storygame don't forget to advertise your story in here...
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sparta12
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| Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:25 am Post subject: |
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Nice opening chapter!
Also Smee missed one of your spelling errors, which I'm suprised at where you said of instead of off.
Anyway I gotta say the poll is a little linear but hey some of the other stories are like that so I can't complain.
Looking forward to the next chapter!
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I was typing at 2am and not really myself, I'll work on the spacing and everything. Oh, as for the choice, it will drastically change depending who Hal stays with, it's actually one of the two most important choices he will make. Looking forward to more input!
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But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
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Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
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NOTLD223
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 12:46 pm Post subject: Nice Very Nice |
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this is very very good. I liked it a lot, I'm GOING to NOMINATE this.
Very nice work you have here. Keep it up.
But I do think that the fifteen year old kid, can't remeber his name.
Shouldn't go to the trials of kala because his mother apparently seems to have a good reason that he shouldn't go, even if the reason is unkwown. Because she wouldn't have reacted that way to her brother in law if he really meant well or was suggesting something that could do no harm.
---------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1 of The Merchants escape is revised. BOO YA!
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Shogun
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:50 pm Post subject: |
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wow..nice. Much better than mine. Um how do nominate stuff.
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blaise
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| Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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good start 
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| Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:20 am Post subject: |
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| to nominate shogun you must go to city auditorium (forum index) and then go to the storygame of the month
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 4:55 am Post subject: |
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Why is no one voting?
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Well, you haven't neccessarily been here alot, people want to se the author post, it lets them know your acctually continueing the story. Also you might try telling them when your gonna check the votes, then they might vote!
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I'm ripped across the ditch, and settled in the dirt and I'm
Wiggled like a stitch, yet I'm the one who's hurt
Pay attention to your twisted little indiscretions
I've got no right to way, I'm just caught up all the battles
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:44 am Post subject: |
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| Oh, sorry I haven't been here much, with school starting up and all I have been a little busy. But things are calming down now and I will read the results on monday and try to have the next chapter done by thursday.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 6:06 pm Post subject: |
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Well, It's a tie, ok, I got an idea for chapter 2 that would work with that, I'll have it up as soon as possible
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But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
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Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ll be gone for the net two and half weeks, But I’ll be back at the end of that time. And the second chapter WILL BE UP in three weeks at the max.
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
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Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 3:34 am Post subject: |
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Ok Geek-girl - we'll all be waiting for Chapter 2 when you get back.
Have a good time.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:47 am Post subject: |
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I am SO sorry, but I am ging to have to postpone putting up the second chapter AGAIN. Thank you all for your patience and not anhilating me. As soon as I get over my little problem I'll put the second chapter. To show you I am working on it, here is a little teaser: It involves a battle, an escape, a possible demise of a character, a kidnaping, and a man who may or may not be Hal's father.
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Nice opening, geek_girl. The suddeness that thrusts the conflict forward really grabs the readers' attention. Well, since this is to be a storygame, I would say go with the uncle. Maybe in your next chapter, you can have an ending that is a bit more open to ideas.
And as Smee said before, try putting spacing between dialogue. It is easy on the eyes, and helps differentiate between characters. Spacing between paragraphs also helps because it keeps the reader from being put off by large blocks of words. Also keep in mind that you have to begin a sentence in capital letters, along with names. Other than those few stylistic errors, I would say you have a good start.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:42 am Post subject: Chapter Two: Henry |
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Chapter two: The journey begins
The wind whistled through the barren landscape, fluttering the hem of my Mother’s dress and ruffling Uncle Donovan’s hair. I
thought harder then I ever had in my life, why would Mother want me to stay? Why was she so angry with Uncle? She didn’t talk much about Father, but I had heard her say that I was the only thing keeping her going after he died. That memory settled things in my mind; there was no way I could leave my Mother.
“Uncle Donovan,”
“Yes Son?”
“I’ll go with you to Grimshaw, if I can bring Mother with me.”
My Mother sighed, whether with relief of despair I never knew which. Uncle Donovan mused for moment, stirring the sand with his foot.
“I am willing to go Donovan.” Mother said firmly “I know you are, but what about our traditions? He must go to Kala alone.” “I know that, but he has the right for a companion till he reaches it.”
Donovan stroked his chin; I could tell he didn’t like the idea much. As I looked him in the face, even though it broke my heart, I knew if he said no I wouldn’t leave her, this one thing I was resolved on. Thank heaven.
“Alright, you can come, but only as his companion. If you’re so bent on separating yourself from the family, you have your wish.”
Mother and I both relaxed, she looked at me with a mixture of pride and sorrow in her eyes. I didn’t need to hear her speak to know what seeing her only son, her only child, begin to grow up must be doing to her. But surely she would be proud that I could carry on Father’s name? She told me sometimes how heart-broken she was when she lost him, perhaps now she could take solace that he wouldn’t be forgotten.
* * *
The next few hours were a whirl of preparations; time seemed to fly by as the three of us scrounged as many provisions we could from our meager farm. Even the best of years were less the bountiful, but the last year had been especially hard and we had only enough unspoilible food for a week’s journey when we were done.
“That will do fine,” Uncle said “The next town is only three days ride if we push it, we can get more supplies there.” An odd sensation tingled over me, in three days I’d be in a part of the world completely foreign to my eyes. As Uncle mounted his horse and Mother and I mounted our old mare, I looked around our farm one last time. I had hated every hour spent working it and getting thorns and meager food for my pains, every moment the harsh reality around me brought me down from my dreams of the outside world. But this place was the only one I knew as home. My father had lived here, my Mother had met him here, and I had been born here. I thought about the time ahead of me, my whole life seemed to be unfolding in that one moment, and I honestly believe that it was that moment, not the one that followed a week later, that I ceased to be a child.
Uncle Donovanchimed in his happy, care free voice: “Is all ready for us?” “Yes Uncle, we’re ready” We passed the gates of the farm, the boundary of the world I knew, and struck out for the fates waiting for us.
Three days passed like no time, and even that early in our journey I was amazed at the change in the landscape. The dry desert lost its grip on the land, and lush forests, green hills, rivers and small lakes dotted the land as if a spell had been lifted. Mother didn’t talk much at this time, but Uncle Donovan chattered away about the majesty of Grimshaw, his family, and all the wonderful things in store for me if I proved my self well.
“The life of an Aldora is one of freedom,” He would say. “There is nothing like it in the entire world to be found, life is placed into you two hands to do with as you please.” “Interesting choice of words Donovan.” Mother interrupted “Bella, please, you’ve never even seen it.” “True, but I have known one who did.”
Mother and Uncle had been this way the whole trip; I felt like a boy whose parents kept spelling words in front of him. Why didn’t they just say what they wanted to outright? What was it between them? I was about to say something to this effect when Uncle leaped to his feet and raised a finger to his lips.
“Hush! You hear that?” His voice quavered as he spoke, as if some unspeakable dread filled the woods around us. “I heard it Uncle, it sounded like someone breathing.” “Tread carefully, we may not be alone, bandits sometimes walk the places near towns.”
Uncle had hardly finished speaking when another rustle came from the trees in front of us. He slowly reached his hand to the sword he carried at his side.
“Show yourselves! Face us like men and not cowards! Perhaps we will spare you your lives."
"Those are bold words from a man with no allies but an old woman and a mere boy.”
The three of us jumped and whirled around. Standing in front of us with sword in hand and backed by a group of ruffians was a tall man with a scraggily beard. Something about the man unnerved me, not in the sense of fear for my life. An air about the man whispered of something horrible and dark. His own eyes were wide with it, and the taught expression in his face was that of a man devoid of rest or peace. Uncle Donovan quickly stepped in front of Mother and me. He peered at the man with something akin to wonder.
“I…I know your face. You are one of the clan who-” “Shut up old man! I am no relation of yours! Or any Aldora!”
I started at his words, remembering the similar ones Mother spoke three days ago. At his out burst, I grabbed Mother’s arm and made for the woods.
“After them!” The madman shouted “Leave no witness to have us hanged!”
I thrashed wildly into the brush, Mother panting beside me, mad with fright.
“Keep running Hal! These don’t care if we can’t fight back!”
I ran for all I was worth, the clanging of metal sounding in the background evidencing the desperate struggle taking place. After what seemed an eternity, I stumbled into a clearing and collapsed on the ground, gasping for air and trying to still the beating of my heart.
“I think we’re safe, I don’t hear anyone behind us anymore.”
“Who’re you talking to brat?”
Once again I whirled around. The same wild-eyed man was there in front of me, leaning on a tree, triumph written on his face. But it wasn’t the sight of him that dropped my heart to my toes, looking around me I saw that I was alone. He laughed.
“My, if we don’t have ourselves a hero here, leaving an old woman to die while he saves his own skin.”
I tried to call out for Mother, if only to tell her to get away, but with quickness that stunned me the man pounced and clamped his hand on my mouth, restraining me with his other arm.
“Listen you little brat! One sound and I’ll slice your head right off; it wouldn’t be the first time at it either.”
Paralyzed with fear, I stopped struggling and grew silent. The man let me fall to the ground and observed me with a sneering disdain.
“A runt like you is hardly worth it, but then again you’ve seen my face, that’s too bad for you.”
“Please, I swear I won’t turn you in! My uncle won’t either, we are just-”
“Stop!”
The man started at my words, I wondered what I had said to catch his attention. He stared at me with a face gone pale.
“That man was your Uncle?”
“Yes, he is.”
“Are you speaking the truth? If you are lying brat…”
“I swear! He is my Uncle, and the woman was my mother.”
He took a step back and seemed to shake from head to foot. When he spoke, it was in a horse and quavering voice.
“Answer me one more thing, what is you mother’s name?”
“Her full name is Annabella Harlow Aldora.”
The man stepped towards me slowly. He knelt down in front of me and placed his hands on my trembling shoulders, searching every inch of my face as if I was a long-lost friend.
“You are Bella’s…son?!”
“Yes, please sir…”
“I…I didn’t know she had a son.”
“You know my Mother?”
“Sort of, I’m an old friend of hers, although It’s been years and I didn’t recognize her.”
The man stood up and stepped back, something like tears welled up in his eyes. He extended his hand and spoke softly.
“I’m Henry, what are you called kid?”
“My names Hal”
I took Henry’s hand and thought the world would turn upside down. Ever since Uncle Donovan had showed up nothing made sense. Family hated each other and bandits cried over you. What sort of place was this anyhow? A rustle in the brush distracted our attention. Henry's hand quickly went to his sword, his softened expression fading.
"Who is there? Show your self!"
Who calls back?
Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Mon Feb 13, 2006 9:04 am; edited 3 times in total
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 12:53 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry again for all the delays, I tried to make this chapter more open instead of what Hal decides to do. Oh, and I'll try to fix the frist chapter in a while.
So watcha think?
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 1:23 am Post subject: |
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This is good stuff! I like all the mystery, all the conflict, and you have good strong characters too. Keep it going, Geekgirl
Hard to decide what to vote on though. Hal seems to be stuck in a position where his choices are very limited. Maybe Henry can answer some of the questions that he's been holding onto for so long?
I think at the moment, though, he's going to be much more concerned over whether his mother and uncle are still alive. He needs to find out, before he can consider the larger picture.
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:10 am Post subject: |
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I agree with stoat you've got a very good story started and he probally is going to try to find out what happened his mother and uncle.
I found it hard to read with the spacing between the lines but that could be just me
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:01 am Post subject: |
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Hey Geekgirl,
Good to see you've finally made it back to continue the story.
The spacing is still a bit of a problem but it's much better than Chapter 1.
The story is leaping forwards well though.
| Quote: | | I tried to make this chapter more open instead of what Hal decides to do |
I understand why you would do that, but decision points seem to work best when based on the point of view of one character. That character can change of course, but fully open decisions like 'What happens next?' aren't what we are here for - that's your job as author.
What if someone suggested a large winged purple bat appears and eats his mother? Or his uncle turns into a rabbit? Or even that Hal dies because Henry gets fed up of his moaning and slits his throat?
We don't know enough about how your world works, what magic is around etc to be able to make sure such a decision doesn't destroy your story concept.
Decision points are damn tricky things, and I'm only offering an opinion here. We are all still experimenting with them and learning things everyday. From what I've seen though this sort of decision point tends to be too difficult to make a poll for, or keep a plot together well.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the decision point being 'What does Hal do next?' - which is how Stoat seems to have interpreted it anyway.
I think concern for his Mother is going to be top priority and he should immediately seek to reunite them. Maybe she'll recognise Henry and questions will be answered quickly from there.
Keep it up and ...
Happy Writing.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I edited it and tried to make it more specific. I guess his mother or uncle could be there, or Henry's band, maybe even a new character. Is this better?
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| Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 12:17 am Post subject: |
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I think that decision point will give the readers fewer headaches. Thanks for that
Now, as for who's there... I'd like it to be Hal's uncle.
He knows the leader. He was expecting the attack. Presumably he has the experience to handle these sorts of things, one way or another. It's possible that he's even persuaded the rest of the band that he needs to talk to Henry, so he may be accompanied by some other members of the group.
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| Posted: Wed Jan 04, 2006 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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Nice story, geekgirl. The spacing in the second chapter was kinda bugging me out, but I got used to it as the chapter pulled me in.
I think the rustle should be 1 or 2 of Henry's charming aquaintances, holding onto Hal's captured mother to bring before their leader. Then Henry can blow a fuse on them for manhandling his old friend, reintroduce himself to Hal's mother, and open us a very interesting discussion.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I added a poll and adjusted the second chapter, if you think this works better please tell me and I'll do it to the first one too.
I'm really excited about the next chapter, a lot of questions will be answered depending on who's chosen and the action will really step up. Please keep suggestions and criticism Flowing, I'm learning a lot through this!
Happy new year everyone! Well, belatedly anyway...
P.S. What do you think of my new avatar?
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| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | What do you think of my new avatar? |
It's very orange! I like it better than your old one though, if I remember your old one correctly.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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lol. I didn't have one before, it took me forever to find this one. I think it's called "Flaming June" It's one of my favorite piantings. I found it on a web site for Pre-Raphealite(?) Artists.
As for the next chapter, I'm glad to see people are voting already. The poll will run for about a week, then I'll try to put the chapter up in the next few days. Get ready to find out what Kala actually is, and a rather disturbing family history lesson.
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| Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | lol. I didn't have one before, |
Oh, I was thinking of someone else then!
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 11:36 am Post subject: |
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Ok, the results are in and Henry's uncle won. As soon as the poll is deleted I'll get the next chapter up, two, three days tops.
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| Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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Did I miss something? *Looks both ways* It would seem I missed the whole poll and discussion. Oh well, it looks like I will have to wait for the next chapter.
Great job so far, Geek_girl. I can't wait to see you what you suprise us with next.
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| Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:11 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I know it's been two or three weeks instead of days. My only excuse is that I'm sick and in the middle of taking care of several sick siblings too. My sister has pnemonia and my little brother may have bronchitus, They are only 7 and 5 resepctivly and I'm a little worried about them. I am working on the third chapter though and will get it up as soon as I can. Keep bugging me so I don't forget.
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"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 9:50 am Post subject: |
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I am sorry to hear that sickness has interfered with you're writing of the next chapter. I hope your siblings and yourself get better.
When you can, write the next chapter!
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter Three: Hero or Villain?
Two men with unshaven faces and grins that revealed few teeth stepped out of the brush dragging something behind them. With a start a realized it was Donovan, limp and lifeless with the signs of heavy battle all over him.
"Uncle!" I cried and tried to run to him, but Henry held me back.
"Well done men!" He called to the rest of the group slowly appearing all over the clearing. "Extremely well done indeed! Set him over there if you please."
The two men unceremoniously dragged my uncle over to the center of the clearing and dropped him in a heap, then stepped back into the group of ruffians and observed their leader with faces eager with expectation. Henry watched as Donovan slowly pulled his bound and disheveled self to his feet, shaking from head to foot and staggering with exhaustion and the restrictions of his bonds.
"I am very pleased with you victory” Henry called again to his men. "Not many could fight an Aldora in person and live to tell about it, unless of course..."
Henry let his voice trail off as he slowly approached the spot where my uncle stood. To me, the whole thing seemed to happen in slow motion, distantly, as if recalling a far off memory then witnessing the here and now. Henry stopped about a foot from Donovan’s form, and slowly began to draw his sword form its sheath, as if taunting his victim with imminent death. He very deliberately brought the tip under Donovan’s chin, and whispered something inaudible. What happened next was almost to fast to take in, I didn't even comprehend it till much later when I had time to reflect on it. But the instant Henry's wrist moved, Donovan twitched, moved imperceptibly, and instantly all his ropes fell from him, he leaped back with his hand over his neck, every muscle tight and surprise in his eyes.
"I should have expected as much from a murderer,” My uncle exclaimed in a quivering voice "But I didn't think you'd sink so low as to take the life of a defenseless prisoner!"
Henry chuckled as if the whole thing where some great joke. "Hardly defenseless it seems, let that be a lesson to you men, never trust an Aldora, especially a beaten one, he wanted you to bring him to me."
Uncle Donovan narrowed his eyes and set his jaw, glaring daggers at the bandit king in front of him. "Give me the boy, Henry, He's nothing to you, what can you gain from harming him? Nothing. If there's anything decent left in you please let him go!"
Throughout his speech Donovan got more heated, nearly screaming with his last plea. Henry didn't bat and eyelash.
"Harm him? Why would I harm my own flesh and blood?"
I nearly jumped at this, could I be related to this madman? Henry noticed my startled expression and looked at me apologetically; he opened his mouth to say something but Donovan’s angry reply cut him off.
"You cut yourself off from us years ago, you said yourself you were no Aldora! Too long have we tolerated your presence on our land, your harassment of our people. I will not see you rob us of another life! Give me a sword and let us end this once and for all!"
Henry flinched at these words, as if overcome with the guilt of past actions. He nodded to one of his men and watched as Donovan inspected the bandit's blade and swung it around over his head to get the feel of it. I was surprised by the change in countenance in Henry; he spoke not a word, and gazed at the edge of his sword with a glassy look in his eye. Finally he turned towards his opponent and lifted his sword. The two began to charge each other, the distance between them growing smaller each instant. As I stood watching them an odd feeling came over me, as if I had seen this a long time ago, and with this feeling came something else. At first I didn't know what it was rising in me. My heart started pounding in my chest and an unnatural strength coursed through my veins. With every clang of the two swords crashing together, a shock of excitement washed over me as I felt a growing and violent emotion fighting to get free. I understood what it was now, though even as I write this I can hardly fathom it. It was a perverse joy at what was taking place, a frantic and reckless passion of pure bloodlust. My breath came quicker, and the whole world dissolved into fleeting, blurry impressions: The clang of the sword, breathing in, heart racing, fists clenching, the clang of the sword, breathing out, head throbbing, the clang of the sword, heart racing, the clang of the sword...
"Stop!" I cried out, whether it was at the terrifying feeling or at the fight was never clear. Henry and Donovan halted their battle and observed me standing in the middle of the clearing and trembling as if pulled from the next world.
Henry dropped his sword and ran to me; he fell on his knees in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulder, much like my mother used to do when telling me something important. He gazed into my face and shook me a little as he spoke:
"Hal, can you hear me? Hal!" I nodded slightly "Hal, listen to me, it isn't you fault, you couldn’t do anything about it, don't blame yourself whatever you do, it isn't your fault."
Henry sat there for nearly five minutes, repeating the same thing and looking as if he was fighting tears. Gradually I stopped shaking and was able to speak.
"I'm alright now, I think. Wa...What happened?"
Henry let his hands fall from me and stood to his feet. He gazed eastward and sighed.
"I suppose we can talk here as well as anyplace, see as we're alone for now anyway."
I look around me and saw for the second time that day that Henry and I were indeed alone. Henry's men, uncle Donovan, they all were gone. Henry sat wearily down on a tree stump and motioned for me to join him, still not looking me in the face and gazing east. I sat beside him and said again:
"Henry, what happened?"
"You felt for the first time curse that runs in you blood, your father had it, I have it, and now you feel it too."
"Curse?"
"It's run in the Aldoras since the first of our race, a madness that has not spared a single one of us, it's called Kala."
I started at these words, remembering my mother's quivering voice whenever I questioned her about our family.
"Kala? But, I thought..."
Henry pulled himself from his reverie and looked me in the face.
"Forgive me, I was speaking somewhat metaphorically, surely, you know what Kala is?"
"No, Mother wouldn’t speak of it."
"Kala is all the knowledge of the secret arts this family has held for centuries, it began with Hal the first, who you're named after by the way, he ended a war that had been raging between the two native peoples of this land"
"What's so bad about ending a war?"
Henry clenched his fists and his face flushed "He ended it by delving into forbidden knowledge sealed eons ago in the catacombs of Kelmur's tomb, he used the knowledge to obliterate BOTH factions in the war, he massacred millions and tore mastery of this land from those who rightfully owned it."
I gasped in disbelief at his words, and trembled at the realization of the darkness that had nearly engulfed me.
"Kelmur? You don't mean that he robbed the prison of the black god himself?!"
Henry put his head in his hands and hissed through clenched teeth:
"And in so doing cursed all his descendants with the evil of his own actions, his lust for power is the ruin of us all."
I stood up and wrapped my hands around me, feeling suddenly very cold. A part of me wanted to run home to my pitiful farm and forget the events of the last few days. But another part of me, and sadly the stronger, had to know the full extent of the doom I was fated to.
“And so what happened today... will happen again?”
Henry nodded. "It does not always come as strong as with you, most are capable of fighting it. You see, the first generation of Aldoras in this land all married into other peoples, and the cursed blood became diluted, but even so, every few generations a child pops up with Hal the first's...shall we say unique abilities? The tragedy of it is that those who can fight it usually don't; the Aldoras have for the most part embraced the black power their heritage brings them, except your father."
I looked up as Henry spoke those words, my head spinning with so many questions, most of them beginning with "why?" But of all them only one pushed to the front. ever since our meeting earlier, I had a suspicion growing in my mind about this man who cried over me and fought so had to keep me with him.
"Are you my Father?"
Henry looked at me sadly "No Hal, I'm not."
I wasn't sure if I believed him; he wouldn't look me in the eye while he answered and his words before kept ringing in my ears: "Why would I harm my own flesh and blood?" No, my mind was by no means settled on the matter. But Henry suddenly jumped to his feet and spoke with a new energy in his voice.
"So far I've told you all the worst of the situation and you're still standing, very well, the situation isn't completely hopeless, you are not completely doomed to be a villain, but other know much more of that then me, shall we seek them out? Or should you mother take precedence?"
I realized with shame that I hadn't thought of my mother ever since Donovan showed up. Henry observed my reaction and laughed like he had earlier
"Don't make yourself uneasy Hal, I'm sure if she wasn't with Donovan she's safe enough. I can understand you being eager to see her but think a moment: Would she be safe with you? You saw how everyone fled, even you uncle, when the fit came over you. You may be capable of anything if it happens again, and there are no grantees that you can fight it off next time. You need the help of those wiser then me. Of course the decision is up to you."
What does Hal do?
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"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
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Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, sorry it took so long to put this up, but everyones well now except for my sister who has some obscure infection, but it's not contagious or dangerous. Tell me what you think of this chapter and how I could improve it, I'll be watching!
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"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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This chapter shows a lot of improvement in your writing, GG.
| Quote: | | forbidenrihhtfully |
Some spelling errors.
| Quote: | And so what happened today, when you were fighting uncle donovan, will happen agian?"
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Capitalization error with the name, and the sentence is awkward. I would recommend reading over your chapter before posting because there are a lot errors here (spelling, punctuation, etc...) that can be easily caught.
I will post later when I have some ideas as to what Hal should do next.
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| Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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Very good plot development Geek Girl. I like it!
I think he should demand to see his mother before he goes anywhere. Not for her to see him, but just to find her and take a glimpse and make sure she's still alive, at least. Otherwise, her peril will be a constant distraction from what he has to do next.
Then they should get on with seeking out those who know more than you about your condition. Maybe your 'salvation' is time-dependent, maybe not, but you'll feel better for knowing the full facts, that's for certain.
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| Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 6:46 am Post subject: |
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| Shady Stoat wrote: | Very good plot development Geek Girl. I like it!
I think he should demand to see his mother before he goes anywhere. Not for her to see him, but just to find her and take a glimpse and make sure she's still alive, at least. Otherwise, her peril will be a constant distraction from what he has to do next.
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Good point, Shady. Worry is not a good feeling to have when one has to focus on other things. Is there a way we can learn more about the curse? I hope that wasn't all the details. Good writing, GG.
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| Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry for all the mistakes in the last chapter, I was in a mega-time crunch and didn't have the time I needed to proof-read. As for the next chapter, it will have a lot more info about the curse and the mythology/magic of Hal's world, the pace will go a little faster too. Oh, by the way, one question about the story: Should the mystery of Hal's relationship to Henry be settled quickly, or is it better for the story to drag it out?
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
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