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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: Nice Work, If You Can Get It

Alia was watching him. Lenny began to sweat. This was humiliating! How could they have forgotten about such a basic thing as money? Why hadn’t somebody warned him?

More importantly, what was he going to do now?

Going back to the Manor at this point was nothing more than a rout. He already looked like a fool in front of his date; crawling back to the Lady would simply complete the image, making him look like an indecisive fool. There were already enough nails in the coffin that was his love-life, without adding any more!

The library then? Lenny didn’t like the sound of that. If the Library was open and if they got past the sand zombies intact and if they could find the Moaning Catacombs and if they managed to get through them in one piece, there might be a second remote control at the other end?

It sounded more like one of those dreadful PC adventure games than a real route to the remote control. There was too much that could go wrong, and no convenient way to save and restart the game.

Arrggghhhs, however, had a remote control. He just couldn’t get to it. Unless…

He brightened and spoke into the hand again.

“I don’t suppose you’ve got any vacancies going?” he asked, hopefully. “If I could earn the credits to pay for the remote control by the end of the day, would you accept that in lieu of payment?”

“Hmm.” The hand bobbed on its spring, clearly giving the matter some thought. “It’s not the way we usually do things around here – but, as I said before, I like your face, young man. I’ll see what can be done.”

Lenny glanced at Alia with a quick smile. She looked mildly surprised at his conversation with the hand. He supposed, on reflection, that it wasn’t going to be the most romantic date she had ever been on. Still, if they both survived it intact, they could work on the rest later – and to do that, he needed to get that second remote control!

The hand remained silent for a few seconds. Then it spoke again.

“Ah – it seems that we do have a vacancy. I’ll just have to put you through the standard job interview, make sure you’re up to the task. Rav’nus!”

One of the pale employees behind the counter turned and looked at the hand. “Yes sir?”

“Put this man through the interview for Junior Clamberer, will you?”

“Yes sir.” He turned to Lenny.

“Any previous shelf-climbing experience?” he asked in a dull and uninterested voice.

“Shelf… climbing?” Lenny’s eyes tracked back to the many sets of shelves through the dimensional portal. “You mean… those? No! I mean… don’t you have any jobs on the tills or the delivery desks?”

The hand sounded shocked. “We only have a dozen employees out front. We have hundreds in the warehouses, stacking, packing, locating and hurling.”

Lenny felt that, with the last description at least, he would be more than qualified right now. His stomach was roiling sickly as he watched the froglike creatures skittering and leaping from shelf to shelf.

Still, he was fairly good at tree-climbing – or had been a couple of years ago anyway. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

“I wouldn’t have to look like those things, would I?” he asked with a nervous grimace.

The hand laughed. “Oh my goodness,” it said jovially, “of course you would!”

Lenny, who had been on the verge of relaxing, felt his muscles re-clench in panic.

The hand continued. “You’ll need your feet to be able to cling onto the shelves while your hands are busy with the boxes. That means modifying you. You’ll get sticky secretions from your hands and feet, added agility, tracheal modifications to help you communicate with the rest of the bunch, more muscle density and hollow bones for lightness. Don’t worry – it only takes minutes, and it’s a very simple set of operations. You’ll hardly feel a thing.”

Lenny found himself backing away and shaking his head. Working for a living was one thing, but being genetically ‘enhanced’ was a little more than he had signed up for.

“Forget it!” he said, heatedly. “I’ll find another way!”

“Don’t say I didn’t try,” said the hand, bobbing irritably as the two of them walked away from it.

“What are we going to do now?” asked Alia, following in her date’s wake.

“I don’t know!” snapped Lenny. Then, slightly ashamed, he added, “I have to get that remote. I took a blood oath for the Lady.”

The girl winced. “Then you’ll have to go through with it. She’ll make you stay here, in bondage, until you do.”

Lenny shuddered. ‘The Lady’ and ‘bondage’ were not two concepts that should be brought together in the same sentence. He set his mind to finding a way out of that particular nightmare.

At last, another idea occurred. He trailed over to where people were flicking with delicate motions through the carnivorous catalogues. Feeling a little nervous, he tapped one of them on the shoulder.

“Excuse me,” he ventured. “Would you like me to turn the pages for you?”

The raven-haired woman looked at him appreciatively. “Oh, would you?” she purred.

“I’d be happy to,” he replied, “for a couple of credits.”

The woman pressed a long fingernail against her lips, obviously thinking.

“Very well,” she said, at last. “Two credits. Turn to page seven thousand two hundred and fourteen.”

Feeling rather pleased with himself, Lenny stepped forward and concentrated his attention on the straining book beneath him. He flicked the edges over, being careful to avoid going anywhere near the pictures, and watched the numbers rack up slowly.

“Lenny!” shrieked a voice from behind him. He turned just in time to deflect the lunge of the black-haired woman. She bared her fangs and hissed at him, aiming again for the side of his neck. He ducked frantically and scurried away from the catalogues, towards Alia.

Just as she was coming after him for a third bite, an official-sounding voice echoed through the store speakers.

Customers are reminded that eating each other is not allowed on the premises. Thank-you! Have a nice day!

The vampire shot him one final look of hungry malevolence, before going back to the catalogue. Breathing hard, Lenny turned back to his date.

“Okay – perhaps not the best idea I’ve ever had.” He managed a shaky laugh as she patted his arm sympathetically. “Now what?”

“Maybe we should just go to the library?” suggested Alia.

“I’m not giving up yet,” he replied, stubbornly.

“Well, how about agreeing to their experimental flying device?” she countered. “We could get back to the Manor in a few minutes, they said.”

“That’s if it doesn’t send us crashing into a thousand smoking pieces in the process,” argued Lenny. “Besides, they never said anything about us getting back here in minutes. We’d have to travel with Sharon again.”

They both shuddered.

“I don’t see what else we can do, though,” he added, glumly.

Alia assumed the look of all women everywhere when confronted by stubborn male pride. To her credit, however, she said nothing, letting Lenny think through his options.

At last, he sighed. “Well, I don’t know what good it’ll do, but I’m going to talk to the hand again. Maybe he’ll… maybe he’ll give me a loan or something? He seemed to like me – maybe that will count for something?”

Alia shrugged noncommittally. “Let’s go and do it then,” she said, with enforced neutrality.

The wandered back to the hand.

“Err… excuse me?” said Lenny, unsure of what to do, now that he was here.

“You again?” asked the hand. “Yes, what is it?”

“I just… umm, wondered… if there was any way I could have the remote control as… as a loan?” he ventured.

The hand jiggled. “You mean you want to return it after you’ve given it to the Lady? I’m not sure I understand.”

Lenny took a deep breath. “I meant that perhaps you could… trust me… to come back and pay for the item once I’ve delivered it to the Manor.”

“And why would I want to do that?” asked the hand. “What could you offer as security on that sort of loan?”

“I could always…” suggested Alia.

“No.” Lenny cut her off. He had already allowed her to be taken hostage once. Wherever they went from now on, they went together. He decided to go for a rather more desperate tactic.

“I could always make it worth your while?” he suggested in a lower voice. Hating himself for what he was about to do, he began to stroke the hand’s fingertips with his own. He leaned a little closer and breathed suggestively. “What’s a teensy-weensy remote control between friends, huh? Just one little item and in return…”

“Right! That does it!” The hand boinged furiously away from his grasp. “What sort of hand do you think I am? I certainly don’t have to pay for favours from the likes of you! I have to put up with enough hand-job jokes every day, without penniless customers adding to the insult! Security – take them and throw them out of the store!”

“Whuu… buu…” Lenny protested as he and Alia were carted doorwards by surprisingly strong Transylvanian villagers. “But I thought…”

“The last thing they heard from the hand was, “That’s what you get for trying to be pleasant. Hmph!”

“No! Wait! You don’t understand!” Lenny’s feet were virtually digging tracks in the marbled floor as he shouted his protests. It didn’t help. Without ceremony, the door was opened and he and Alia landed in the sand, on the wrong side of it.

Lenny picked himself up and shook the sand off his clothing angrily. He started to stride back towards the doors, only to have his arm grabbed by Alia.

“Run?” she suggested, as the sand zombies began to rise around them again.

Yanking his arm in vaguely the right direction, she set off, not bothering to see whether he was prepared to follow or not.

Jus like last time, he thought furiously. He hesitated a moment longer, torn between venting his frustration on the locked shop-front and getting away from the sand zombies. Practicality won out and he sprinted after the rapidly disappearing form of his date.

She was fast – if fickle. The zombies were lurching at her from all sides, but she kept ahead of their slow, shambling pace with lithe ease.

Of course, that just meant that more of them were turning their attention towards him. He cursed her practicality as he tried to make his legs pump faster through the sandy street. With difficulty, he reminded himself that she was now on her ninth date, whereas this was his first. To have got through so many rounds of Blind Date, he grudgingly conceded that she would have had to be a survivor.

He wove through the sand, his breath grainy and short, squinting through the dust cloud around him.

Alia had reached her destination before him - again! He could see her through the haze, pushing on a large set of sturdy doors. They seemed to be refusing to budge.

For a moment he felt an entirely uncharitable glee. Then, being generally a pleasant and good-natured person (not to mention the fact that a barred door was bad for the both of them!), he felt stirrings of concern. This was just like what had happened at the doors of Arrggghhhs As he sped towards Alia, he wondered whether it would be a re-run of the same last-minute rescue, or whether the sand-zombies would consume their brains this time round.

Dodging through their ranks, he closed the distance rapidly now. Alia’s attempts were getting ever more frantic as the closest of the zombies moved into arm’s range. Lenny’s heart lurched in his chest as the creature reached out and grabbed the girl’s sleeve.

She screamed out above its moans. “Lenny! The entrance is around the back. It says so. Go! Save yourself!”

She jerked with frantic strength against the hold of the sand zombie. Tearing free, she backed up against the wall. It just left her cornered, as more of the undead lurched toward her.

Lenny didn’t stop running, but his thoughts raced faster than his legs. The girl may be practical enough to leave him to the consequences of his own inexperience (or stupidity, if you wanted to look at it another way), but she was also practical enough to try and save him when her own case was looking hopeless. Despite her delicate beauty, he wasn’t dealing with a vapid cheerleader here. Not only was she beautiful, she was intelligent and at least possibly interested in him. Now he was more convinced than ever that he would never get a better alternative than Alia on Blind Date!

Even if he hadn’t been interested in her, though, he was not yet at that stage of calloused self-preservation that she had reached. He couldn’t simply abandon a friend to a horrible fate while he made good his escape.

His course never deviated. She shouted again, but he was no longer aware of her words, only of the necessity of reaching her. Then – then they would think of something.

Speed alone allowed him to barrel through the defending ring of zombies. He braced himself for burning flesh or waves of sudden brain-sickness, but was relieved to find that they simply fell back into the sand as he shoved them out of the way.

Constant impacts took their toll, though. By the time he had made it to the centre of the ring he was breathless and slowed to a stumble. Alia’s face was strained as she attempted to ward the lurching creatures away. The glance she spared him was one of resigned sadness that, although it wasn’t the gratitude he had hoped for, at least wasn’t disgust at his stupidity.

Now that the two targets were together, the zombies redoubled their attacks. Seemingly from nowhere, parchment appeared in the hand of the frontmost.

It moaned. “Eehhhxcuuuse meeee sssiiiirrrr, do you haaaave a few minutes to spaaaaaare for a maaaaarket suuuurrrrvey?”

Lenny’s eyes widened in bemusement. “Err… what?”

By now, though, another zombie had pushed the first out of the way.

“Spaaaare aaahhh donaaaation to the widoooows aaaand orphaaaannns fuuunnnnd?” It clutched hungrily at his elbow, sending coldness creeping through his entire arm. “Heeelp uuuus creaaaate moooore of themmm?”

“Biiiiig Isssssue, ssssiiirrrr?” Another zombie thrust a yellowed magazine into his face.

Lenny pulled away from the ice of their touch, his heart pounding in horror. A glance in Alia’s direction showed that she was in even worse shape than he was. Her legs looked wobbly and she was as pale as a teenager with a free internet porn connection in his basement. The big guns had gone to work on her, and were currently trying to interest her in a free copy of their holy book.

They had to leave, before it was too late. Summoning reserves he never knew he had, Lenny grabbed Alia by the hand and began trying to make his way through the undead merchandisers. He staggered and pushed his way through them, shaking his head, muttering excuses about lack of time and no money, feeling his date as almost a dead weight behind him.

It was cruelly slow progress. His flesh was numb with cold by the time he turned the first corner of the building. Alia was more responsive now, but she was still a drag on his progress and on his will to continue.

He wiped clammy sweat from his brow and pushed the latest flyer for double-glazing out of his face. They were never going to make it. Unless…

An idea occurred to him. It was a crazy idea – but what was there about this place that wasn’t crazy? With nothing more to lose, he forced air into his shallow lungs and turned to face the crowd of sand zombies.

“He’s got… the whole… world… in his… hands,” he began, in a quavering and breathless voice. Forcing himself to avoid the crowd, he looked over them to the buildings on the opposite side of the street.

“He’s got the whole… wide world… in his hands.” The zombies seemed a little confused. They were still clustered tightly around himself and Alia, but their petitions seemed half-hearted, somehow.

“He’s got the whole world in his hands… Alia, join in,” he muttered between lines, watching the zombies like hawks for their reactions. “He’s got the whole world in his hands.”

It was working. Lenny felt exultant, as he watched the surety fade from the creatures’ movements.

“What are you doing?” whispered Alia, her face glistening with sweat.

“Join in,” hissed Lenny, as he tried to remember the words of the next verse. “Street sellers never bother buskers. We’ve just got to convince them that…”

He dodged another pamphlet as the zombies began to regroup. He had been silent for too long.

“He’s got the…err… Sun and the Moon… in his hands,” he sang, stronger now. “Come on everybody, join in!”

The zombies became confused again, as he renewed his attack. Their sales-pitches began to slur and occasionally they stumbled as they lurched alongside him. Alia’s clear voice joined with his, hesitantly and with the wrong words sometimes, but adding to the power of their song.

They were holding the undead at bay, but there was no getting rid of them. Cold dead eyes gazed at them, barely a body’s width away from them as they shuffled along the side wall of the library. Lenny decided to change song, hoping for a stronger reaction. He searched around for something that had the strength to turn even the most stubborn of street vendors.

“Kum ba yah, my lord,” he sang, exulting as the zombies began to judder and botch their sales spiel. The two humans kept their backs to the wall, struggling their way through the sands and the zombies. They sang in increasingly dry-throated voices.

By the time he reached verse three, there was a collective hum among their pursuers. Sand was beginning to run off them in rivulets and they were swaying, whether in rhythm or discomfort, it was impossible to tell.

Lenny wondered at this reaction. He had expected that, if he was lucky, the zombies would start to ignore him. After all, nobody likes a street musician, especially one that encourages audience participation. This was more unexpected altogether. Like they were trying to ignore him, but couldn’t get those catchy melodies out of their heads. Like the music was drawing them in against their wills, even as it turned what was left of their minds to spaghetti.

He decided to gamble. With what was left of his voice, he switched songs mid-verse.

“Young man, there’s no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground…”

Alia’s voice faded from its counterpoint. Kum ba yah was apparently her limit. Lenny continued, desperatly aware that the zombies were beginning to recover their initial doggedness. Well, that was just about to change, if he had anything to say – or rather, sing – about it.

“It’s fun to stay at the…”

He made the gestures (although not without an inward grimace) and encouraged the audience to join in:

“…Y.M.C.A.
Fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A
You can get yourself clean…”

The humming began to rise up again. One by one, the zombies began to mimic his motions, making letters in the air. Dust filled the air as they began to tremble and judder and sway. By the time Lenny reached the second chorus, they were almost at the second corner of the building and the sand zombies were slowly but surely tearing themselves apart with the effort of participating in one of the all-time great disco classics.

By the time they got to the back door, Lenny was doing little more than croaking. Alia was joining in on the chorus, nevertheless his throat felt like sandpaper. Not that it mattered too much. Many of the zombies had crumbled to dust already and the others were scattered and wandering randomly, doing YMCA gestures and scattering pamphlets into the wind.

Lenny turned the handle, hardly daring to hope that it would turn. To his immense pleasure it did. He scuttled inside, holding the door for Alia and slamming it behind her. A moment after he had stopped singing, there was a thump against the door, as something threw its weight against it.

Lenny coughed dryly and turned to see what they had got themselves into now.

It turned out to be both better and more uninteresting than he had expected. They were in a plain beige room with a wooden bench running along both sides of it. Directly opposite the door was another, much more solid looking door, with a small square of grating at eye level. A sign below it read:

Library Opening Hours: Not Now and Not Never!

The two of them looked at each other, uncertainly. There being little else in the way of choice, though, Alia went forward and rapped on the door.

“Hello?” she called. “Is anyone there?”

“Go away!” called a crotchety voice.

Lenny tried. “We only want to go through the Catacombs entrance. Could you let us in please?”

“No! Read the sign – not now, not never!”

Lenny and Alia shared another perplexed glance. “Why not?” asked Alia.

“Why not?” The voice sounded outraged. A moment later, a face appeared in the grille. From what they could tell, it appeared to be pale purple, hairless and slightly featureless. “Why not? Wrong question – entirely wrong! The question should be ‘why’?”

Lenny was beginning to feel a little frustrated.

“All right,” he said, an edge to his voice. “Why, then?”

“Why? Exactly!” When this remark failed to elicit a response, or indeed an iota of understanding, the purple head continued. “Why should I continue this bleak existence? I open the library. Readers come in, they take books, they bring back books, they leave. I close the library again. Nothing exciting ever happens. Nothing new ever happens.”

“Uhh…” began Lenny, then stopped, stumped.

Alia continued, in his place. “Then why don’t you take up a new hobby?” she suggested, sweetly. “Do something to get yourself out of your rut?”

The purple head turned to glare at her.

“A new hobby? When I’m stuck inside this library, every day, every night? I’ve explored every nook and every cranny. I’ve read every book. I know every conceivable card, dice and puzzle game, in all their galactic variants. I’m bored, bored, bored. Don’t you understand? I’ve had it. My life is over and so is this library.”

“But we only want…” began Lenny.

“I don’t care what you want,” snarled the creature within. “There’s no point to it. You might as well just go back to where you came from and embrace the tedium. It’s what I intend to do.”

Alia pulled a face and turned to Lenny.

“What are we going to do now?” she asked.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
themselves apart with the effort of participating in one of the all-time great disco classics


Clapping

One of the funniest things I've seen anywhere. Wonderful. ROFL

Now, a librarian..........? Hm...

Suggest writing a book? She may have already attempted this, but it's worth a shot. Could satirise an existing IF story and suggest it as an idea.

Offer to do something with her to make her have fun again. Grit your teeth and give her a sponge bath or something. I don't know. There must be something the librarian used to like doing, but got stopped by her apparent commitment to the library.

Or just jab her in the eye, find her keys and find the door and run. The lazy and (knowing the denizens of this haunted house) potentially dangerous option, but you never know, it might work. If I can think of anything else I'll come back, but for the moment my idearium has all dried up. :biggrin:

*holds breath* Shocked
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poke I like the jabbing her in the eye and running off with her keys suggestion.

But it might be better all round if you just invite her along on the remote quest. Make it sound like some grand adventure, capable of alleviating even the deepest of boredoms.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ethereal_fauna wrote:
Poke I like the jabbing her in the eye and running off with her keys suggestion.

But it might be better all round if you just invite her along on the remote quest. Make it sound like some grand adventure, capable of alleviating even the deepest of boredoms.


How romantic.... having a little old whatever-she-is accompany them on the date... I LOVE IT!

Or possibly you could suggest that she applies to be on the show - the producer did have a soft spot for Lenny, so he might help out by getting her a place Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stubby wrote:
How romantic.... having a little old whatever-she-is accompany them on the date... I LOVE IT!

Three isn't always a crowd. Wink
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like Flauna's and Stubby's idea - getting her to come with them, or trying to appear on Blind Date.

The book idea is good as well.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ethereal_fauna wrote:

Three isn't always a crowd. Wink


That depends on which one of the three the perspective is coming from. Wink
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is the librarian necessarily female? I just read it over, because I was thinking of "him" as an old man, and it really doesn't say.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're absolutely right Mother Goose. It doesn't say, and Lenny and Alia can't tell from the voice Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm...the sign says, "Not now, not never" Technically, if the library's not going to never open, it must open sometime. I wonder if there's something he's not telling us.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mother Goose wrote:
Is the librarian necessarily female? I just read it over, because I was thinking of "him" as an old man, and it really doesn't say.


You're right - entirely my bad - I just assumed that the strange creature behind the door was female - I guess it is because my wife was a librarian for a while so I tend to caste females in that role, now.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That doesn't stop him giving 'it' a spongebath. It'd just be really really wierd. Shocked
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I read it as being female as well. Strange that.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dunno why I did. Maybe it's just because most of the stereotypical images of snooty librarians have been old, female crones. That image has just stuck, I guess.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think they should try getting her/him a job on the show. Strange, I just assumed it was female as well. Hmmm.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to go with the bringing him/her along on the "exciting quest". An inhabitant of this world must be able to help them somehow, even if its only in the capacity of an extra target.
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent chapter Stoat Laughing

My point was going to be what Key already bought up.

It should be fair to assume a librarian knows of double negatives - and it's possibly deliberate.

"So if you're not open now, but not never - then open up in 5 mins."

Of course, the librarian is so bored that's probably not going to convince them, but maybe make them think. That's when it's time to leap in with one of the other great ideas, in particular getting them to join us on the quest for the remote.

If nothing else you could at least confirm whether there is a remote there, they said they'd explored every nook and cranny.

"You can't have explored every part of library. I bet you don't even know if there's a remote control in here somewhere."

No point considering other plans if we find out there's not even a remote here.

Happy Writing. Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OmegaTerra wrote:
ethereal_fauna wrote:

Three isn't always a crowd. Wink


That depends on which one of the three the perspective is coming from. Wink

And whether the librarian turns out to be male or female. Cool
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poll's up for 3 days. Vote away.

Sorry about not including the 'poke her in the eye and grab the keys' option. Given that the grating is at eye-level and only a head-sized square, there's no space to get your hand through to the other side, never mind to grab anything and get it back.

I've only included options that actually have a chance of working Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted to quest, and winning.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I seem to be catching up on a lot of stories today Very Happy

Voted.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

1 day left for voting. If you're going to, do it quick! Cool
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Made it 3-3. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not anymore you didn't.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jeepers creepers!
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted to invite the librarian along.

I notice "it" has become "she" in 3 of the poll options.

I'm assuming that was a slip of the keyboard... Razz
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was - and not even a very accurate one. It seems I'm guilty of the librarian stereotyping as well Smile
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Or is that a confession that it is in fact a she?
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope. It's just a confession that I'm going to have to be very careful writing the next chapter, otherwise the whole thing will be littered with 'she', when that's not what I'm intending at all Smile
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, it looks like Lenny and Alia are going to try to get a chaperone for the catacombs.

I'll start writing this tomorrow, at a more sensible hour. Thanks for voting, everyone Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: Cuts Both Ways

“Umm…” Lenny trailed off, uncertain what to say. He had to try something though. Not only did he have a blood oath to fulfil, but Alia’s limpid eyes were looking at him expectantly, confident in the knowledge that he would get them through this.

Misplaced faith was a terrible thing to have to live up to.

The purple head began to move away from the door.

“Wait!” he cried, desperately. “We can help!”

The librarian managed a weary laugh. “Help? You? I’d like to see how!”

Lenny thought quickly.

“You’re bored, right?”

“What are you – an imbecile?” snapped the purple head. “I’ve already told you I’m bored. Want me to repeat it again? Want me to spell it out? B-O-R-E-D. Bored. Get it now? I’m bored, yes, I’m bored!”

Lenny bit back a caustic reply and forced a smile instead.

“Well then,” he said, faking a cheery manner. “Why not take up something new? Something that you’ve never done before?”

“Already done everything,” grumbled the voice. “I told you that before as well. Idiot!”

“I’m sure you haven’t done everything,” he persevered. “I mean, if you’d explored every inch of the library – every nook and cranny, like you claim – you’d already know where the remote control is. I bet you don’t even know if there is a remote control, do you?”

He held his breath. The purple head turned to look directly at him. He couldn’t see its features clearly through the mesh, but he was guessing that it was glaring.

“The catacombs are not a part of the library. There may be an entrance here, but I don’t consider them a part of my domain.”

“You see?” he replied, pressing his advantage. “A whole new world for you to explore, and yet you sit here, day after day, stuck in the same old routine. All you need to do is get out and about a little, see the world as an adventure.”

A new layer of doubt crept into the librarian’s voice.

“I’ve been down there a couple of times,” it said, slowly. “Horrible place it was. All dust and grime and… there were things down there. It doesn’t sound like much of an adventure to me.”

“Ah, but you wouldn’t have to go down there alone this time,” said Alia, breaking into the conversation.

“What?” said the Librarian.

What??” said Lenny.

She smiled and leaned towards the grating.

“Come with us, on the quest for the remote control,” she suggested, her voice sweet with suggestion. “What could be more exciting than a group of explorers, charting new territory, working together towards a common goal? So what if there’s a bit of dirt and grime? You’ll have us to keep you company and help you through anything that’s unpleasant or difficult. How about it?”

Lenny stared, aghast. As if the date didn’t have enough going against it. Now they were going to have to babysit some moaning old granny and listen to her complaining about her bunions and the arthritis in her hips. Assuming, that is, that she had hips of any kind. And, he suddenly realized, assuming that it was a ‘she’!

“What are you getting us into?” he hissed at his date.

“The library, with any luck,” she murmured back. “Let me handle this.”

“What are you two whispering about?” came the Librarian’s voice. “Oh, I know! You don’t want me to come along. That’s it, isn’t it? The moment I open the door, you’ll be off into those catacombs like a shot, leaving me here to moulder.”

“Nonono!” Alia upped the concern in her voice another notch. “We do want you with us. Don’t we Lenny?”

She stared meaningfully at him. In the light of her pleading look, he felt his willpower crumbling.

“Er… yeah. Sure.” He slumped.

“You don’t sound very sure,” badgered the Librarian.

“Look!” said Lenny, his temper beginning to fray. “I have about three hours left before the Blind Date crew come to pick me up. If I don’t get the remote control for the Lady before then, I’m fried! Frankly, I don’t care whether you come along or not, as long as you open the blasted door!”

“It’s really very important to us,” added Alia in her most soothing tones, as Lenny stood, nostrils flared and breathing heavily. “If you’d like to come along, you’d be most welcome – but we really must get into the catacombs as soon as possible.”

“I’m sure it’ll be awful,” dreared the Librarian – but finally it opened the door for them.

They looked at the creature that stood before them. Well, stood probably wasn’t the best term to use, under the circumstances. Reared would have been more appropriate.

It looked like a long, pale-purple snake, with stubby arms. The skin was segmented in regular loops and it had a faintly slimy look to its flesh. It’s eyes were small, black beads on either side of its head, and its mouth was simply a split in one of the segments.

“Well,” it said, ungraciously, “You’d better come in.”

Lenny and Alia stepped cautiously across the threshold and peered inside. The sight that met their eyes was not what they would have expected. It was not what anyone, without at least a couple of decades in a mental institution, would have expected.

The structure of a library still remained. Its skeleton, as it were. Overlaid on that, though, was an air of desperation so strong that it permeated the library like a large dose of cyanide.

The word of the day was: knitting.

Shelf after shelf was lined with books and crochet rugs, books and doilies, books and embroidery. Each book had a hand-knitted cover; presumably to keep it safe and warm, and to prevent anyone from reading the title or, indeed, opening it. There was a scarf. Just one. It wrapped around the entire circumference of the library, for as far as the eye could see. The other end of it, knitted in identical pattern, overlapped the first end by a good few shelves. There were tapestries on the wall. They depicted books. There were fledgling attempts at artwork. Still life pictures of books, surrealism, where the books were reading the people, and conceptual, where a book had been stapled to the library wall and hung open, sagging in its spine.

“How long have you been here?” was the only intelligible thing Lenny could think to say.

The Librarian humphed. “Just under two hundred years. Since my sabbatical. Five hundred before that.”

“Oh, you poor thing!” Alia linked a hand through its stubby arm. “That’s a long time to be stuck in one place. Well, never mind. You can come along with us now.”

Lenny glanced sourly at the two of them. He had been harbouring images of trekking through quiet, dimly lit library aisles (and perhaps stopping for a distraction or two on the way), and huddling together as they made their way through the Moaning Catacombs. These now seemed strangely unromantic when combined with the thought of a snake/lizard creature sliming along beside them like a chaperone from the Twilight Zone.

“Where’s the entrance to the catacombs?” he asked, hating the petulance in his voice but not being able to help it.

“What? Just like that?” the Librarian complained. “I haven’t even packed yet!”

“Packed?!” Lenny exploded.

“What do you need?” asked Alia quickly, giving her date a warning glance.

“Well… this is all so unexpected,” replied the worm-thing, slowly. “I hadn’t prepared for any expeditions. I really don’t…”

“But that’s half of the fun,” interrupted Alia. She continued, her voice bright. “You can’t plan for everything. That’s what caused you to be in this rut in the first place, isn’t it? Just go with the moment, enjoy the trip and don’t worry so much. We’ll take care of you, won’t we Lenny?”

Not trusting himself to speak, Lenny gave a curt nod.

“Well… I don’t know…” The Librarian pondered for a moment. “You could be right. Very well, let’s go.”

It began to shuffle off towards the aisles. Only a few paces on, it turned suddenly.

“Oh! I almost forgot!”

To Lenny’s immense irritation, it began to squirm back towards its desk. As the two of them watched, it picked up a pair of knitting needles and half a dozen balls of wool. Cramming them into a handbag that looked as if it had been made of elephant skin, it slid back to them.

“This way,” it said and began its horribly slow progress toward the shelves again.

The trip seemed to take an age. Alia kept the Librarian talking, being cheerful and optimistic in the face of overwhelming odds. The world-weary worm seemed determined to see the worst side of everything, while Lenny was shooting silent but resentful looks at the back of the purple, slimy head.

At length, however, the Librarian stopped in front of a small door, made from a black wood, with wrought iron hinges. There was no sign on it, none of the neon trickery of the Haunted Manor. This was a door that looked like it could swallow you whole, without so much as a single belch!

“It’s down there,” said the Librarian, pointing a stubby arm at the door.

Now that they were here, Lenny suddenly began to have doubts about the wisdom of this route. They had no idea what dangers were down there. There was no telling how big the catacombs were, or where this mysterious ‘other end’ was. Then there was the small matter of whether or not the legendary second remote control even existed, should they get there!

With evening and planetary eviction drawing on fast though, it was probably more of a risk to do nothing or try another route. He would just have to plunge into the catacombs and hope that there was a solution to his problems down there somewhere.

Sighing, he opened the door – which swung on well-oiled hinges, despite its appearance – and peered into the gloom. He could see little or nothing past the start of the downward ramp.

“I don’t suppose you’ve got some source of light?” he said, turning back to the Librarian. You know? A lantern, or a flaming torch or something?”

The snake-thing quivered in outrage.

“Oil? Fire? Near my books?” Its voice reached a high pitch of indignation. “What sort of Librarian do you think I am? Young man, you’ll have no trouble seeing down there. I am a fully qualified glow-wyrm and my luminescence is enough light to read by on the darkest night. I doubt whether even a primitive like yourself would struggle to see by the light I give.”

“Okay, okay!” Lenny raised his hands in surrender. “Lead on then.”

Slithering haughtily (a nice trick if you knew how to do it!), the Librarian went through the door. Immediately, as the dark enclosed it, the wormlike body began to glow with a pale pink light. The eerie luminescence accentuated the dark, craggy crevices in the stone walls to either side of the figure.

Alia walked forward as Lenny hesitated. She linked arms with him and gave a resigned smile.

“Shall we?” she asked, gesturing towards the disappearing Librarian.

He felt an answering smile spreading reluctantly across his face.

“Why not? It’s not like things can get worse,” he said in a low voice. “I never expected to be stuck with some wrinkly old…”

“Librarians have exceptionally good hearing,” called back a reedy voice. “Do you really want to finish off that sentence, young man?”

Even as Lenny bit back a comment, Alia pressed her finger to her lips and mouthed the word, ‘Shhh!’ as she winked at him.

It was a gesture so universal to every librarian he had ever met that he found himself biting back a giggle. Snorting softly, he followed the Librarian down the ramp towards the Moaning Catacombs.

It was an uneven and steep descent. There were loose rocks on the ramp and Lenny and Alia found themselves skidding and fighting for balance down certain sections of it. The snake-creature seemed much more suited to the terrain and constantly complained about the amount of noise the other two were making.

Soon enough, though, they reached the bottom. With the eerie pink light glowing from the Librarian, the catacombs looked like footage out of a slightly-too-enthusiastic horror flick. As they hesitated between three very similar looking passages, a low wailing noise started up. It had the tones of muted grieving, with the implication that it could keep this up for a thousand years, if necessary.

“What’s that?” asked Alia, turning her head to try to catch a direction from the noise.

“We’re going to get so lost!” sighed Lenny, aware of time ticking on.

“They’re the moaning catacombs,” snapped the Librarian. “What did you expect? Happy little elves? And don’t worry about getting lost. I know my way around here.”

“How?” Lenny challenged the glow-wyrm. “You said you’ve never been far into the catacombs!”

It turned its glowing purple eyes on him with disdain. “It’s called education, young man. I read books. Local history books included. With maps. You should try it some time – you might actually learn something!”

“I was trying to get an education when I got abducted into some freak game-show,” he shot back. “And if I ever get off this hellhole alive, I promise you, I’ll continue my studies to your heart’s content. And perhaps, if you show us the way to go, I’ll have a chance of getting off this hellhole alive!”

Again, the warning hand came to rest on Lenny’s arm. Alia smiled warmly at the Librarian. “Lenny’s right, you know. The sooner we get started, the sooner you’ll get to see new sights and do new things.”

“I’m sure it will all be dreadful.”

The Librarian turned to the tunnel that led sharp right and began to writhe down it. Alia gave Lenny’s arm a reassuring squeeze before following.

As they ventured into the high, narrow tunnels, the moaning got louder. It sounded like hundreds of voices now, each one barely more than a whisper, grieving in unison. The sound swept through the tunnels, echoing back on itself and amplifying the air of desolation.

Lenny swept cobwebs from his face, irritably. He watched the other two, treading and slithering the path in front of him. They seemed to be the best of chums, all of a sudden, speaking in voices too low for him to hear, walking alongside each other and leaving him to trail in their wake. Another junction, then another. They simply turned and went in whatever direction the Librarian wanted them to take, never stopping or consulting with him at all.

He felt his indignation growing. This was his quest, whether he had asked for it or not. His blood was on the line here, not theirs. The Librarian could always go back to its drab little life of making bobble-caps for its precious books. Alia would get off this planet whatever happened. If all this went wrong, though, he was going to end up spreadeagled to a wall in a transvestite’s boudoir. Facing the centre of the room, if he was lucky!

Then again, what did Alia care? She had run off and left him to his fate twice now. Then she had invited a chaperone - and not just any chaperone, it must be added. Possibly the most repulsive chaperone that could ever have been envisioned, with a personality to match. She – Alia, that was - was nothing but a manipulative little tease, using her beauty to get her dates to fall for her, then standing back and watching as they became so much dog-meat! Eight dates from the show – and how many of them had lived through it, he wondered. Probably none of them, if Shill was a representative sample. So, it came down to this. He was nothing more than the next victim, ready to die for better audience ratings.

Filled with uncharacteristic venom, he punched one of the camera orbs that was circling him, smiling bitterly in satisfaction as it crunched against the rock walls.

His smile widened as he heard the sound of arguments from the front row of the expedition. Ah. It seemed like the honeymoon was over. The moaning was drowning out what Alia and the Librarian were saying to each other, but it was obvious from the tones of voice and the confrontational stance that they were fighting.

It was hardly surprising really. The glow-wyrm was the most unpleasant creature that Lenny had met since… well, since Sharon the ferrywoman actually – but it was still pretty damned unpleasant! A nasty, spiteful tongue on it, and all the romance appeal of vulture in a honeymoon suite. All it had needed to do was open the library doors and let them find their own way – but oh no! It had insisted on trailing along like the eternal little sibling, with shorter legs and a whiny voice.

Talking of whiny voices, if those moans didn’t stop soon, he was going to…

His muscles were knotted in anger, fists clenched so hard that his nails were cutting into his palms. He felt nothing but a wave of glad hatred, when the Librarian’s voice finally rose above the incorporeal wails.

“Well, if that’s the way you feel, you can just manage for yourselves. I hope you starve in here. I’m off!”

It slithered past him, glaring through beady eyes. He somehow resisted the urge to kick its rear end as it drew level with his foot.

“Well? Don’t just stand there – are you coming or not?” Alia’s voice drew his attention, icy with anger as it was.

He hesitated. Without the Librarian, it was dark in the tunnels. There was also no way to know where their destination lay.

“How do we even know it was leading us to the right place?” he demanded. “It could have been setting us up before it deserted us.”

“Oh, believe what you want,” snapped the girl. “I’m going this way. Stay there in the dark, for all I care!”

“Don’t you walk away from me! You’re my date!” shouted Lenny, beginning to hurry after her.

“Don’t order me around. I can do what I…”

Abruptly, the moaning stopped, breaking off as if someone had hit the mute button. A scream tore through the Catacombs from behind them, and the sounds of a hundred tiny growls accompanied it.

The anger vanished in a flash. Alia and Lenny looked at each other, eyes shining in the darkness.

“The Librarian!” they said simultaneously, stumbling back the way they had come.

They got to the last crossroads and turned a corner. A horrible sight met their eyes. The glow-wyrm was alight, its luminescence shining with the power of its desperation. Clinging to it wherever they could reach were scores of small dark creatures. Even from this distance, the two of them could tell that they were all teeth, claws and wings. Every one of the batlike creatures was biting and clawing at the unfortunate wyrm, chewing on flesh and slurping as luminous purple blood spurted from its wounds.

Without thought, Lenny drew his sword from his scabbard, tripping and lurching as he sprinted forward. He reached for the fading fury, putting it into a warlike yell and closed the distance between himself at the Librarian in a matter of seconds.

As he closed, the creatures looked up from their feast. He felt a wave of nausea as he saw demon faces, complete with straggly hair and enormous canines. The faces were soaked in green blood and scrawny arms held them balanced against the snake-creature’s flesh. There was no body, only the arc of enormous wings behind the head.

For a moment they stared. Then… they scattered. Disappearing into the multitude of shadows around them, the only signs that they had ever been there, were the resumption of the moaning – and the large chunks of flesh missing from the lower portions of the Librarian. Its stubby arms had been able to keep the worst of the attacks away from its head and upper torso – but the back half of its body was a mess!

His face twisted as he stared at the tattered and oozing flesh.

“Are you…” he gulped. “Are you all right?”

It swayed and gasped.

“My… dear boy… Do I… look… all right?”

He caught the wyrm before it fell against the rough wall. It coughed up a small wad of gelatinous slime onto his boots.

“You… must… use… your… sword…”

“Wh-what?” he stammered.

“Your… sword.” The creature drew a ragged breath. “Cut away… the part… that… too damaged.”

“I… I can’t!” Lenny protested, hearing Alia’s exclamation of pity as she came up behind him.

“Do it!” snapped the Librarian in a startlingly strong voice.

Lenny turned to Alia, helplessly.

She nodded. “You better had.”

“But…”

“Would you like me to do it?” she asked, steadily.

Somehow, that was a lot worse. He gulped and looked at his blade. It was a rapier-like edge, absolutely no good for the job at hand. Arm shaking, he drew out his dagger instead and closed his eyes to the gore as he proceeded to part the mangled flesh from the healthy.

In no time at all, he was covered in pink, luminescent ooze. He stank of alien blood and the knife was slick in his grasp. The Librarian was vibrating with pain and there was a high-pitched whine coming from its throat, combining nauseatingly with the moans of the bat-things.

As he struggled not to retch, the only bright point was that there was no bone to cut through. The dagger was carving up the wormy flesh like a raw Sunday joint. He tried to think of it in that way. Tried not to think that he was cutting someone in half – and not in an entertaining magiciany sort of way either. In a real blood and guts and internal organs sort of way.

Oh god. He was gonna barf!

He was distracted from the roiling of his stomach by the fact that the knife suddenly hit stone. Relieved sweat trickled down the sides of his face as he realized that the job, however grisly, was almost done. Alia held the Librarians’s stumpy hands in a death-grip as she murmured soothing words to the creature.

As quickly as he could, Lenny severed the rest of the final segment. As he withdrew his knife, he was amazed to see that the wound was already beginning to heal at the edges. The seeping blood thickened and coagulated, forming a patch over the rough-cut flesh. The Librarian’s head ceased to loll and it slowly drew itself upright again.

“You know,” it managed in a faint voice, “That feels rather good.”

“Huh?” was all that Lenny could manage.

Incredibly, the purple mouth lifted into a smile. The book-wyrm straightened further, flexing its newly shortened body.

“Yes indeed,” it said, and its voice was stronger now. “That’s taken years off me. I feel positively vibrant again. Shall we be off?”

Without waiting for an answer, it began to slither away from the chewed stump of its old body, heading rapidly toward the other end of the catacombs again.

Lenny turned a gobsmacked gaze on Alia. She shrugged.

“Now you know what happens when you cut a wyrm in half,” she said. Then, “We’d better stay together.”

With that, she followed the Librarian, leading Lenny by the hand.

He followed numbly, glowing like a torch with low batteries. At least, if something happened to the Librarian now, they would have something to light their way. Not much of a consolation for being covered in wyrm-gore, though.

He tried to ignore the irritating wailing of the catacomb-creatures as his mind went over recent events. What had happened back there? It had been like a temporary bout of madness. For a minute or two, he had felt like killing the Librarian – and perhaps even Alia, too! And those bat-creatures! Swarming like piranhas around a side of beef. There had been too many of them to fear much damage from his sword, but they had fled from him anyway.

It had all been caused by the moaning. Their minds had been affected – clouded and made to think terrible, alien thoughts.

Except…

He squirmed a little as he followed the group. The rage may have been alien to him – but the resentment had been real enough, hadn’t it? He had been… well, let’s face it… enraged at the Librarian for muscling in on his action. Not to mention enraged at Alia for trampling on his romantic prospects that way!

He shook his head irritably, as the wailing irritated him like a fly buzzing around his ears. What did she know about his dateless existence? Why would she have cared about how he felt at all? It had been obvious from the start that she never wanted to be here, with him. She had run off on every occasion, leaving him to face every danger alone. The secret staircase, the less-than-secret passage, the Lady, the sand zombies – twice – and where had she been when the Librarian was getting eaten? Way behind and in no hurry to catch up as he recalled. Well, he could do without dates like this, and he could do without people like her. She was just a…

“Do you have to keep doing that?”

Lenny was jolted out of his resentful reverie by the sharpness of the Librarian’s reedy voice. When he looked up, however, the creature appeared to be staring at Alia, not him.

“Doing what?” Alia snapped.

“That squeaking of your boots every time you take a step. Now I’m not one to complain, but…”

“Oh no? You’ve done nothing but complain ever since we met you. I just wish Lenny had cut a little further up. He might have shut your stupid mouth while he had the chance!”

“Well, what about you? Anyone would think I had designs on this lanky male of yours, by the way you’ve been acting! You keep me at the front of the group, never let me get a word in edgewise, glare at me if you so much as catch me looking at…”

Alia broke in, face flushed and fire in her eyes. “You’re mad! I don’t want him – and I certainly don’t think you’re competition for me anyway. Look at you – all slimy and purple and old! Why don’t you just go back to your knitting and leave the two of us alone?”

“Well, if that’s the way you feel!” The Librarian reared up on its shortened body.

“Too right it is!” Alia spat.

The Librarian glared at Lenny. “Well? Would you rather have light to see by, and a guide who knows the way – or some brainless female who wants to pick and choose your friends for you? It’s her or me, young man!”

“Ha! You think he’ll pick you?”

“If he wants to get out of here alive, he will!”

“Well Lenny?”

They both stood, breathing hard, glaring at him. He looked at them in disgust. Neither one of them was worth his effort. He was better off going it alone than putting up with this rubbish! It was bad enough that he had a headache from the constant whine of the bat-creatures, without…

Everything suddenly clicked into place.

He stepped in between his two companions.

“This isn’t us,” he said, urgently. “The bats are at it again.”

“I knew it!” moaned the Librarian. “You let that female lead you around by the nose. You’re just trying to avoid making a decision.”

He resisted the urge to sink his fist into the glowing pink flesh.

“It’s the bats,” he repeated, his voice tight. “They’re trying to divide us. Once we’re alone, they can feed. You saw how they ran when we got together again?”

Alia’s nasty little chuckle almost caused a war between herself and the Librarian again. Lenny held them apart, biting down on the impulse to break down and slug it out with them.

“Get a grip!” he panted, shuffling between them as they tried to land blows on each other from a distance. “If you leave, they’ve won. Do you want to end up as bat food?”

The blow to his chin sent him reeling. He hit the rock wall as the breath was knocked out of him. For a moment, he saw dozens of little tweety-birds, flitting in circles through the green-lit caverns. Then he realized it was the bats, startled a little by his sudden movement.

The creatures local to them had also stopped their wailing. He felt it before he heard the difference. The vice of his anger loosened a notch, leaving his head clearer and free of the pounding tension. He saw rage turn to concern on his date’s face, and a similar switch of expression on the snake-creature’s. Who could tell what a face like that was saying though? Despite the cat-fight between Alia and the Librarian, Lenny was still unsure as to whether their guide was male, female or both!

“Lenny!” cried Alia and fell to her knees beside him. “Are you okay?”

“Keep… moving,” he gasped. “Don’t let them… start their moaning… again.”

He struggled to his feet, watching as Alia and the glow-wyrm began to wave their arms, zig-zagging crazily from one side of the tunnel to the other. As the bat-things scattered before them, the song remained distant, and therefore controllable.

“Let’s go,” he said, taking shallow breaths as he felt his ribs (and his jaw!) for injuries.

The next hour was almost dreamlike in its bizarreness. Between flapping their arms and making sudden runs forward and backward, they sniped and bickered like old married people at a dinner party. The bat-creatures were still trying their mental-domination tricks, but the lack of proximity kept it under control. Just.

As time went by, though, Lenny began to wonder whether the Librarian really knew where it was going, or whether they were being subjected to random guesswork. The tunnels all looked the same to him, and there was no sign that they were getting anywhere at all.

Until they hit the door at the end of the passage, that was.

“Here we are,” said the snake-creature.

“Where are we?” asked Lenny.

“At our destination,” it said, sharply.

His jaw clenched. “And what,” he said, with mock patience, “is our destination?”

The Librarian pushed past him, its eyes sparkling with a mischief that had not been there before its coil reduction surgery.

“The Chamber of Trial. You’re not scared are you?”

Without waiting for an answer, it opened the door and slithered inside. Lenny and Alia hesitated a moment longer. Then, faced with no other choices, they followed after.

The room they entered was a perfect oval shape. The rock walls had been smoothed and encrusted with tiny gems that lit from within. The whole chamber was like a bright daylight sky which sparkled with strange stars. There were three more doorways out. Deeply etched into the wood of the doors were three symbols. The first was a circle, thickly carved. The second was the shape of a hilted blade and the third was the shape of a heart.

In the centre of the room, there was a statue, carved from well-polished wood. It appeared to be a sprite-like figure, its position half-crouching, alert. It held a thin blade in one ringed hand, and a small, heart-shape pendant of wood hung from around its neck. It was an exquisite work of art, carved by the most skilled hands. Either that, or some sculptor with the identical temperament to the Librarian had had far too much time on his hands!

As the door shut behind them, all the bat-creature’s moans ceased. There was an instant feeling of relief from the low-grade rage they had been experiencing. Instantly, they all felt like themselves again. There was an awkward silence as they each began to run an internal list of all those things they’d said before, that now couldn’t be taken back.

“So…” said Lenny, breaking the tension finally. “Is this the other end of the Catacombs?”

“I believe we’re nearly there, yes,” said the Librarian, slithering closer to the sprite statue.

“Then which way next?” he asked, looking at the three doorways.

“All ways lead every ways!” A new voice sounded, from the centre of the room.

Lenny turned in surprise, to see that the statue had changed position. It struck a ridiculous pose and began to chant.

“Honesty is hard to find
The truth sees all, it’s love that’s blind.
Yet love can face a thousand fears
And linger through a thousand years.
A thousand years is hard to bear
When lies lead love to dark despair.
Each door will lead a different way
But which is right? Well, who’s to say!”

“Huh?” was the only response Lenny could think to say. “Uhh… could you repeat that again, please?”

The sprite pulled a face at him.

“Repeat requests are out of order
I’m not a blasted tape recorder!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Librarian, looking more enthused than they would have imagined possible a few short hours ago. “I think I got all of that. Each door leads a separate way, and we’ve got to pick the one we want to go through. It’s a sort of riddle. Is that right, little statue?”

The statue grinned impudently.

“All three doors require the keys.
Pendant, sword and ring are these.
Stolen from me, they will grant
Exit for one miscreant.
If I freely gift it, one
Can take his two companions on
Yet still the path is one of three
Which one to take? Which will it be?”

“Err…” said Lenny, “Look. Do you think you could just explain what’s going on, without all this poetry stuff?”

The wooden sprite gave him a hard look.

“What? You want the dummy’s version?” it said, scathingly. As they watched, it detached itself from the pedestal, jumped to the floor and sat heavily on the plinth. It fumbled in its wooden pockets for a moment, before bringing forth a wooden cigarette and a wooden lighter. “I dunno! You try to put a bit of mysticism into the whole thing and all you get is dumbo humans asking you for the one-syllable rendition!”

“Excuse me!” said the Librarian, rearing higher in indignation. “I’m not human and I understand you perfectly!”

The sprite gave the snake-creature an appraising glance.

“Right then,” is said, sticking the cigarette in its mouth. “In simple languge. You’ve got three doors. You do understand what doors are, yes? Then you got three keys to those doors. Keys? Comprehend? Yes? So…”

“So,” continued the Librarian, excitedly, “we can either take the keys by force, in which case, each of us must choose a separate route out or we can enlist this creature’s help and let it give us one of the tokens of its own free will - in which case, we will be free to go on down the same path together.”

“How do we do that?” asked Lenny.

“Bleedin’ hell! You want it all gift wrapped, don’t you?” demanded the Sprite, producing a flame from the wooden lighter and setting fire to the wooden cigarette. “I can’t tell you that. That’s the whole heart of the riddle, that is! You’re supposed to bleedin’ well prove that you’re worthy, that’s how!”

“One thing I don’t quite follow,” interrupted the Librarian, watching as the Sprite shook the lighter, trying to put the flame out. It blazed merrily, in that telltale way that wood does, when someone sets fire to it.

“What?” he demanded, throwing the lighter into the corner of the room. “Blasted one-shot lighters!”

“What is the symbolism of the passages?” the glow-wyrm asked. “I realise that the ring stands for truth, the sword for courage and the heart-pendant for love – but which is the symbol of the route leads to the true destination, and what must we face to get to it?”

The book-wyrm turned back to the Sprite, who looked not unimpressed.

“I already told you,” he said, puffing wood smoke into the air. “All ways lead every ways. The person in charge – which I’m assuming is you, my lovely,” (he took a moment to leer at the Librarian), “has to decide where their priorities lie. What’s most important to them – love, truth or courage? Different paths, different destinations - and you’d better be sure you read your motivations right, because you could end up anywhere if you choose the wrong route.”

“Well, actually, it’s not my quest,” answered the Librarian. “It’s his.”

“Oh, well then, you haven’t a hope,” quipped the sprite. “I’ll tell you what, though, angel. I get off work in two hours. If you want to hang around, we could maybe go grab a bite to eat together. I know where they serve the greatest spangle-bugs on the planet.”

“Well… I hadn’t really thought…” The Librarian turned from purple to deep pink, completely flustered. “I mean… I’ll think about it… very busy… important quest… have to check diary… I might be able to…”

Lenny listened with half an ear as the Sprite and the Librarian flirted back and forth. He had other things to worry about. How did he persuade the Sprite to help him out? Even if he did, which of the paths should he go down? Where would he end up if he chose wrong?

All this for one remote control? There had to be an easier way!
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, seeing how he's on Blind Date, I'd assume that currently love is the most important thing.

He can't get out until he finds it afterall.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with lordy here. See if the glow wyrm can convince the sprite thingy for the love key.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lovely long chapter there Stoat. Very enjoyable and well written! How long did it take to think of those rhymes?? Shocked

I think Lordy has hit the dragon on the head. Love can show us the way! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

chinaren wrote:
How long did it take to think of those rhymes?? Shocked



*grins* About 30 minutes. I like doggerel rhyme though. It's a pleasant challenge.

And don't forget, if the Librarian gets the locket from the Sprite, then she is the quest leader - and her destination may be very different from Lenny's. I can see her path trailing around for 2 hours before winding straight back to the chamber, just in time for the sprite to get off duty Wink

To get to the remote control, Lenny must find the concept most important to him, and persuade the Sprite to give him the equivalent symbol. That's the rules of the game Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Makes sense. How bout he convince the sprite to give him the best key so he can (and will) return the libriarian here as soon as he gets the remote?

Failing that he ask the sprite for the love key so he can hurry up and return the libriarain here as soon as he gets the remote.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, if the show picked fit to choose him, he must have had love on the mind. Afterall he was complaining to himself how he never got anywhere with girls, so I still would say love is important to him.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lordy wrote:
Well, if the show picked fit to choose him, he must have had love on the mind. Afterall he was complaining to himself how he never got anywhere with girls, so I still would say love is important to him.


Definitely. Love is on his mind. So is finding out the truth about what's wrong with Alia.

But that's not the point. The point is that the route changes, depending on the person who takes the artefact off the Sprite. The paths are magical and Lenny's path will take him towards goals that are important to him (ie. the remote control), whereas the Librarian, following the same path with the same artefact, would be led straight back to the chamber of Passage.

It all gets metaphysical around here, you see Razz
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wonderful chapter Shady, and not nearly as long as it appeared, so it was a great read! :biggrin:

Quote:
Even as Lenny bit back a comment, Alia pressed her finger to her lips and mouthed the word, ‘Shhh!’ as she winked at him.

It was a gesture so universal to every librarian he had ever met that he found himself biting back a giggle.


This confuzzled me, though only a little. To me it sounded like the Librarian had done it, though reading back I know it isn't too silly for Alia to have done it. Just my poor cognitave skills showing me up again, I guess.

I think that he would go for love, but your right about the Librarian potentially posing a problem. Maybe he could persuade the sprite and the librarian to come with them. He could appeal to the Sprite's lazy side, saying somthing about no one else coming to the cave for ages. Ask him how many visitors he'd had in the past 100 years. Then, though it'd be a harrowing journey with two lovey dovey monsters, at least he would have them all with him, so the Librarian wouldn't run off before he finished. He could take Alia, ge the remote and get the hell out of there.

Looking forward to the next chapter! :biggrin:

*holds breath* Shocked
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fantastic chapter Stoaty Very Happy

Lots of funnies as usual.

Quote:
The sooner we get started, the sooner you’ll get to see new sights and do new things.”

“I’m sure it will all be dreadful.”


Laughing Plenty of Marvin Moments, or are they Eeyore Episodes? Razz

I like Soily's plan - lead them on a quest together.

The only issue with the plan - the sprite can't leave work, so we need to convince him that accompanying us is work..or worth skipping work anyway.

"Being a dumb human and all, it'll save you some effort following me just incase I lose the key and then you have to go looking for it."

Happy Writing Very Happy
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