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Smee
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 Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 1:00 pm Post subject: The Time Before : Discussion and Voting |
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Hey Everybody,
Well I'm finally doing it... a storygame of my own. No longer will I hide away just giving out the opinions. For the first time, apart from the linear comp every now and then, I open myself up for full public opinion. Let 'er rip - that includes you Marm 
Introduction:
"Report."
The order was short and carried an authority that nearly overpowered the young recruit.
"Er, we were ambushed sir."
"Losses?"
"Er ... everyone but me sir."
The Captain seemed to sag a little, although to the recruit he was no less intimidating.
"Very well, you're dismissed."
The recruit seemed to gather some courage from somewhere.
"You don't want to know the details of the attack Sir?"
"No I don't. If I did I would have asked for it wouldn't I?"
"Yes Sir."
"You are dismissed."
This time the Captain turned away and stared at the map spread across a table, held down at the corners by a large compass and a iron helmet. He didn't need to know the details. Every attack for the last nine months had been the same. Ambush, always unexpected, always at the seemingly safest point. Six to twelve mages would walk in from different directions, fireballs blazing.
The magic that followed would vary, but within a few minutes all but one man would be killed in a vast variety of different ways. The remaining man would be allowed to escape to report to his superiors. Over 1200 soldiers had been lost in these attacks - three hundred of those in just one attack!
 Nothing he had tried had managed to injure even one of the mages. He didn't even know how many he was up against. All appeared dressed the same way, it could be just twelve, but his instincts said this was bigger.
If only there was a way to dent their numbers they might be forced into making a mistake. But swords and armour just can't protect from magic.
"Lieutenant, any word from the appeal?"
The lieutenant turned to face his captain, resignation on his face at the familiar question. He gave the familiar answer.
"No Sir."
"We need a mage on our side. Why won't they respond?" he asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.
"They are in hiding Sir, either that or so lost in their magic they're no use to anyone - the mages have a word for it, Emflikar I think Sir."
"I've a good mind to send a troop to make an example of some of these Emflikars, waste of space the lot of them" the Captain retorted.
"With respect, that would only create more fear and hostility from the rest of the mages Sir. Many have pity for the Emflikars, the rest see it as a warning to what might happen to them."
"Well we need to do something, I can't keep losing entire garrisons on routine patrols. Everything we've tried so far has failed - even 50 archers couldn't get one lousy arrow off."
The captain sighed, and sagged a little more.
"Have there been any more public attacks?" he asked.
The lieutenant rifled through some papers, plucked out an ominously large section and scanned it quickly.
"Many Sir, and they are getting more intense. Reports from across the continent, entire towns are being decimated."
"May the Gods help us," the Captain whispered. "Leave me for now, thanks Martin, I need to think for a while," he finished with some remnant of command.
"If I may Sir," the lieutenant looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. "You were around before the mages attacked. What were the good times like?"
The captain considered for a second and then realised that this was one of those times he should answer.
"Magic wasn't as common, and the little we saw was used to entertain or to help. If you saw a mage fireshow once a year then you were considered lucky. They were quite a sight..." the captain lost himself for a moment and then snapped out of the reverie.
"Unfortunately the kind of fireshows we get now tarnish the image a little," he finished sadly.
"Thank you Sir."
"Dismissed."
~ Click to skip the comments and go straight to Chapter 1
.
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Last edited by Smee on Mon May 12, 2008 4:55 am; edited 49 times in total
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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Oooooh, first post.
Now let me read the story and comment. 
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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jnmrcs
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Very nice start... I hope to see more.
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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Glad to see you’re finally joining in the thrill of authoring! Hmmmm, if this makes SGOTM sometime in the future, I wonder if it will be grouped with fantasy or with the BttE?  At any rate, I’m excited to see an SG spin-off from the Battle to the End.
I look forward to the first chapter and decision point, and have a few comments regarding this introduction. Obviously as the captain has already concluded, swords and armor are not going to be enough. They need mages on their side. With many reluctant to come forward, perhaps an effort to appeal to the families of the Emflikars might prove prudent. Certainly their loved ones want to see them get help, and an offer to assist, clean-up and sober-up the Emflikars in return for a service, might appeal to many to encourage their loved ones to get help.
This of course is dependent on time constraints. How feasible would a quickened sobriety be, and how dependable the services of those recovering mages. Is it even possible?
With public attacks occurring more frequently, perhaps the appeal for help from the mages should emphasize that more, and generate an interest in solving the problem. Along with a challenge to police not just their own magic, but the magic of others as well.
I have listed a few Technicalities
_________________
The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Damn! Now I'm going to have to catch up with the BttE stories too! 
Nice idea for a story, Smee. I've only got one comment on the stylistics. When you wrote:
"Magic wasn't as common, and that we saw was used to entertain or to help."
It isn't technically wrong, but it's one of those sentences that you have to read back two or three times to decipher properly. The rest of the story flows so well that you might want to go back and see if you can fix that one sentence.
As for what comes next... well, I don't want to sound like an actor or anything, but what is (are?) the Mages' motivation(s?) They're presumably not just doing this for kicks? If we can work out what they want, maybe we can negotiate, or at least find a better way to fight against it.
<plods off to read the rest of BttE>
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Smee
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 12:14 am Post subject: Comments: Intro |
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Thanks everyone for these early comments. Technicalities have been sorted
More will be explained in each chapter as it comes out, but as Fauna mentioned, it is a spin-off from the world of BttE.
This is for three reasons. Mainly because so much work has been done on the world creation in background to those stories that it gives me a rich source of inspiration.
The second: In it's very essence it is a City of IF creation, with input from many members to make the world exist. This helps me let go of the story with decision points as it isn't my soul creation.
The other reason - I like the BttE world 
This story is set much further back in time than the current BttE and with your help on the decision points, I hope to tell some of the history that has led to the BttE world we have today.
As Stoat has pointed out, a working knowledge of the BttE stories will help with some of the terms I use, Emflikar for example - but I try to give at least some help as to the meaning. My aim is for this to be readable as a seperate work, but knowledge of BttE will compliment reading it.
Happy Reading.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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SchoolMarm!
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:33 am Post subject: Re: My Storygame : The Time Before |
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| Smee wrote: | | No longer will I hide away just giving out the opinions. I open myself up for full public opinion. Let 'er rip - that includes you Marm |
Don't be hard on yourself, Mr. Smee, this is a quite credible beginning. You have written some nice exposition and cleverly wrapped it around some passages of a more expository nature. In just 600 words, you have managed to describe an entire war without putting the reader through the trouble of experiencing it or feeling it in any meaningful way. This is no mean feat! With some more practice, I expect that you could achieve the perfectly bloodless and oh-so-English prose that one expects to find in such rip-roaring 'zines as The Economist and the FT.
But children, what is this? Why the hissing, the angry glares, the brandished weapons? Do you perhaps think that your ever-gracious SchoolMarm! has gone too far this time?
I do not criticize Mr. Smee's prose to be cruel, nor to suggest that his writing is inferior to the other fare found on this site (quite the contrary!). I comment on his story precisely because he was brave enough to ask me to, and I would do no less for any of you. Commentary in IF is usually restricted to lists of 'technicalities', as Ms. Fauna so delicately puts it. This is not criticism - it is mere copy-editing! I do not care to make Mr. Smee's writing more correct (although that is a noble goal). My interest is to make his writing better. I applaud him for giving me the opportunity.
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Smee
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:56 am Post subject: |
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LOL - Excellent Marm, glad you could stop by.
Sorry if you were put to sleep during my lengthy prose, I shall try hard to make it more ...stimulating, next time.
This is only an introduction, and very early days in the war. I'm certain subsequent chapters, if you manage to drag your old eyes along the sentences, will satisfy your lust for bloody warfare.
Happy Reading.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 8:18 am Post subject: |
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You have a very unique way or writing that will earn you stripes in the near future Smee. An excellent composition written.
It's catchy with the short paragraphs and it was of decent length, quite unlike my story. The Technicalities, ethereal_fauna has addressed.
I am glad you are taking your step into writing a storygame. It was of curiosity that I wished to see what talents you were hiding up your sleeves.
But, I really think in your story,there should have been more of a plot. If this was just a "quickstart idea", then this does not apply and your story was excellent.
Keep writing Smee, and best of luck!
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Chainfire
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| Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 7:17 am Post subject: |
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| awesomeness smee, i look forward to reading your story as time goes on. good start i really like how you are giving us some history on the BttE world.
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Dean Unplugged
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| Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 10:10 am Post subject: |
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Nice story intro, Smee. Sounds like it'll be a good one.
I only found one confusing bit: You stated that there has been 1200 casualties of war thus far, and then later, the Leuitenant asked if the Captain remembered the times before the mages attacked. This implies--I think--that the war has been going on for quite some time now, many years in fact. However, 1200 casualties in a many-year-long war is actually a very low casualty rate.
Am I just confused here, or was this a real mistake?
Anyways, I like this story a lot. I confess I haven't read any of the BttE stories yet though, but I seem to understand the setting ok already.
What she the Captain do? I do not think hostile action against the Enflikars will be of any use. However, something has to be done to sober them up. I think that if they rounded all the Enflikars up together, they might be easier to treat. So, get all the drunk mages to the hospital, ASAP!
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 10:58 am Post subject: |
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Hey Dean,
Thanks for stopping by
| Quote: | | I only found one confusing bit: You stated that there has been 1200 casualties of war thus far, and then later, the Leuitenant asked if the Captain remembered the times before the mages attacked. This implies--I think--that the war has been going on for quite some time now, many years in fact. However, 1200 casualties in a many-year-long war is actually a very low casualty rate. |
It could be a mistake, I'll lay out my reasoning and let's see if it is. I hope not, but better to find them now
The captain is only responsible for a relatively small army in one part of the continent. There is a mage problem continent-wide, that has been going on for many years.
The 1200 dead are just those under the command of this captain, in his battle (within the war) with the group of 12 (or more) rogue mages in this area that are destroying his patrols.
He's losing his battle and recieving reports of many other losses in other parts of the world.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:07 pm Post subject: |
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Ahhh...that now makes everything as clear as day.
Signing Out
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Dean Unplugged
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| Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 6:50 am Post subject: |
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Coo', that makes sense, Smee. However, why doesn't the Leutenant remember the times before the war? Surely it must take some time to work your way up to Leutenant....
Ha, I'm prolly just missing the background information from the BttE stories!
Anyways, nice story. Get a poll up!
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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SMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
You did it!!!!
This is the first SG Im rebiewing on my blog...
Decision:Where was the decison?
Anyhoo, SchoolMarm-Im onto you. 
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Key
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| Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Glad to see you join the ranks of the builders, Smee
Appealing to the emflikars and trying to find out what the mages want are both good ideas. Another option is to look for help outside of our government/nation. Are there legends of magic outside the known world, maybe an artifact or god or race that could grant extraordinary power? These are desperate times. A small force dispatched on a quest for magical aid might be our best hope.
BTW, I don't agree with SchoolMarm! I liked the character of the captain, and thought you did a good job of conveying the hopelessness of the war through his manner.
Happy writing!
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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Quite a few of you are giving some great ideas for what to do next, and questioning after a decision point/poll.
This is an intro, and chapter 1 will be here before the end of the week. A decision point will be in Chapter 1.
However, as you've all come up with such good ideas and thoughts, then I will take the comments into account when I write the next few chapters.
Thanks Mauddib, and Key - thanks for reading
ooh - I just earnt 10 fables
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:14 am Post subject: |
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Way to go, Smee. Make Schoolmarm! eat her harsh words! 
I'm hooked. From what you've said about Trengin, it doesn't sound like he's ready to join in anything he considers to be a lost cause yet. I think he'd want to help, though, if he can do so without paying too steep a price.
What about him accepting the job of training up the emflikars? (always assuming the others can rustle up a few willing souls). It's not front-line work, but it would be a concession...
Just a suggestion...
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:36 am Post subject: |
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I must say though the content is excellent, Im dissapointed by the writing. There's awkward tense for the first half of the chapter.
| Quote: | | It'd been a busy night when Trengin finally made it home to a well deserved bed. |
Fair enough,past tense
| Quote: | | Thoroughly drenched from the storm raging outside he resists the whim to shake himself dry like a dog and settles instead for laying his cloak out over the back of a chair. Wearily he traces a small shape over the cape and steam obediently rises from it, quickly drying the heavy material. |
But now its present? This happens often.
Other then that, Im really excited to see what happens next. I fell Trengin should accept the offer, otherwise it won't be much of a SG :biggrin:
Keep it up, and sort out the tense thing.
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:39 am Post subject: |
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Good point Muaddib, I'll have a check through. 
As far as the decision point goes - as I mentioned - saying 'no' is very viable - leave me to worry about whether it'll be a decent storygame, you worry about what Trengin would do.
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:42 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | As far as the decision point goes - as I mentioned - saying 'no' is very viable - leave me to worry about whether it'll be a decent storygame, you worry about what Trengin would do |
As Sparta would say, Touche
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Lol - apart from the big grin I put after my comment.
Nothing 'touche' about it. I just don't want your worry about the storygame's direction to influence your decision.
Hmm, with the past tense thing - I don't think there is a mistake *confused* - He arrives home after a busy day (the day being in the past) and then takes his cloak off. All that is in the present tense.
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Last edited by Smee on Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:09 am; edited 1 time in total
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:58 am Post subject: |
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Yayy! First chapter! Let me get a few techies out of the way first
With an even larger sigh he remembers the complications involved with levitating and force himself to his feet. (forces)
With a hand ready to activate defences, along with several offensive runes running through his mind, he open the front door. (opens)
"I'm not joining the group, if you can call it that. How many members do you have in your so called 'Circle'." (question)
Now on to the game:
I am not convinced that this triangle can accomplish much, other than getting the participants killed. Roah, we’ll be lying next to the soldiers on the battlefield, broken and bled-out and equally as dead. You’ve lofty goals backed by poorly defined notions.
And as far as rehabilitation of the Emflikars…another noble sentiment. Why sober the drunken just to send them to certain death? It’s foolish to even think that would work. Sometimes I wish I’d remained on that self-destructive path, orchestrating my own downfall rather than submitting my fate to the whims of circumstance.
_________________
The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:11 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Quote:
It'd been a busy night when Trengin finally made it home to a well deserved bed. |
Should be: It'd been a busy night when Trengin finally makes it home to a well deserved bed.
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Dean
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:44 am Post subject: |
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I also don't think Trengin would go along with Roah. As Ethereal Fauna pointed out, 3 mages don't stand much chance against the incredible odds, and would most likely just get themselves killed. The way you've portrayed him, Trengin sounds too much like a "save-your-own-ass" kinda guy to foolishly risk his life. He'd need reassurance that Roah's plan is a good one.
Rehabilitating the Enflikars? That's a very noble plan, and one that Trengin could be talked into helping with. However, once again, I don't think he's in the business of risking his life for other people. Would rounding up the Enflikars put him in the line of fire? Would he know where to find them, or would he have to wander around looking for them? Are all of the Enflikars guaranteed to be politically against the Sempa? Is there a possibility of a revived Enflikar rising against Trengin and joining the Sempa? These are all variables Trengin would consider.
So, all in all, I don't think Trengin is ready to go along with Roah yet. However, he might be persuaded enough to go out alone and see for himself how bad things really are in the outside world. This is what I think Trengin should do for now. Investigate the problem by himself, without Roah's knowledge.
Techinal points:
The present to past tense thing was only really overly-noticeable to me after the - ~ - mark. Then you adopted past tense completely. A stylistic choice, I'm sure.
There were other grammar and spelling mistakes, but I can't see the point in listing them. I tend to find way more mistakes than most, due to my copy-editing training. Which means people would hate me if I ripped their entire story to shreds. So, I won't.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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I see you following along the lines of Battle to the End with the enflikars and all. I couldn't help noticing, a few missing commas in the early part of the story. And like everyone else is saying, the tense change is a bit odd. I must admit it took me a while to adjust to the present tense in the beginning because I normally write in past.
Treg sounds like one of those people that doesn't really want change yet has strong opinions about the events that may or may not influence him. I think to push him, he either needs an something to happen close to him that will open his eyes to taking some action or someone has to persuade him. And from what you have written so far, it looks like the latter option seems to be the way the story is going to go. Maybe peer pressure will persuade Treg to join the group. Your idea of Treg putting down some conditions for joining the group is also, I think, an excellent option. From what I see of Treg, either he needs to be in control of his decision or a group will persuade him.
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Key
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Dean that Trengin is too concerned with his own skin to stick his neck out. But if he does nothing, the Sempa are likely to become stronger and stronger, and eventually they'll come for him. For his own safety's sake, he's got to at least find out if there's a way to stop them.
I like the idea of him going out in the world by himself and seeing what's going on, maybe see if there's a way to rouse the emflikars. He should keep in touch with the "Circle" in case they have any useful information or aid for him, but I don't think he should join yet. Too much risk.
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The Powers That Be
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, here's what I imagine Trengin doing. He turns Roah down, but as an afterthought, finds out how to contact him. He goes about his business, but makes some excuse to himself to go see an emflikar who he thinks might be responsive to this. If he rouses the emflikar's interest, he sends him off to Roah, and repeats the process.
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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Ok - the chapter has had a going over, and hopefully most of the more brutal tense problems are now sorted. The whole chapter should now be in present tense.
Thanks to Powers in particular for helping me with this, but also Muaddib and Dean for their comments.
Hopefully I got the problem fixed before SchoolMarm! saw it.
As to the much more interesting aspect of your comments:
The majority seem to be heading towards a 'no' response, but with a variety of possible alternatives. He's perhaps not as depressed as Fauna suggests, and is quite happy not to have succumbed to the lusts of magic, but it does seem that Roah is struggling to persuade him.
Raven, you make some good comments, thanks. The story is infact set completely in the BttE world - and endevours to tell some of the history way before the present BttE time. I made a brief mention of it in a comment earlier in the thread; here
With Dean's comments I think a small clarification is needed. I don't think Roah intends to immediately attack all the Sempa alone, especially not in some rush attack on a battlefield. However, you're right, Roah hasn't gotten that point across very well, so in this situation Treng's unenthusiasm is more understandable.
Dean also raises some good questions about the Enflikar, that I'm sure will be covered if we encounter them. Merely mages that are drunk on their own power, that fact alone doesn't answer any question about their political persuasion. The Sempa are just as prone to becoming Enflikar as any mage. There is certainly risks involved with helping them.
The idea of going off on his own to check the situation out seems a good one, the independant nature of that seems to suit Trengin. But don't let me influence such ideas, I get my chance for input at writing time.
Happy Reading
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 10:45 am Post subject: |
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Poll going up tomorrow
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:31 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Raven, you make some good comments, thanks. The story is infact set completely in the BttE world - and endevours to tell some of the history way before the present BttE time. I made a brief mention of it in a comment earlier in the thread; here |
Well, I figured that it was based off of the BttE world. I sort of skimmed over the comments though, so that is why I missed your mention of it probably.
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Last edited by Ravenwing on Fri Dec 09, 2005 2:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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very well done mr smee
(one of Smee's RL friends coerced into reading this whilst chatting on MSN )
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:11 am Post subject: Chapter 1 Poll |
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Ok, the poll is up and it will be open until Sunday.
I put 3 days in the poll time, I'm not sure when on Sunday it'll close, so get your vote in quickly.
Things look good for the next chapter to appear on Tuesday
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:17 am Post subject: |
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He will refuse to join, but still go out and see the situation for himself. He didn't sound the least bit interested in maintaining any contact with the Circle. If they want him, they'll have to pursue it because I just don't think he's going to.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:29 am Post subject: |
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| I voted for going to see what the situation is by himself. It's easy enough to ignore a problem until somebody brings it to your front door. I think he'd feel dissatisfied doing nothing now that he knows how bad it is.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:47 am Post subject: |
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| I chose the first option, the idea of a 3 person killing machine appeals to me. :biggrin:
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| Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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Good job Smee, keep working on the quality.
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent, bloody, violent chapter. Raises more questions than it gives answers. A few Technicalities.
There's pressure to impress the elders. They obviously expect great things from you, and choosing the easiest task will not please them. The caravan might present a valid option, but even at that you have the reputation of a life-saver, and should probably attempt to take the bridge. You might be held responsible for lives lost there either way, whether you refuse or accept the challenge.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Key
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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The town would be easiest, but towns aren't much of a challenge anymore, and I agree that we need to impress the elders with something bigger. The bridge might be better defended than the caravan, but at least it's stationary. In the caravan there are too many moving parts, too much potential for people getting away or things going wrong.
So I'm for the bridge.
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| How does Norral answer the guard? |
| Humbly deny all knowledge of any Sempa? |
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42% |
[ 3 ] |
| Explain that your fire was throwing up a lot of sparks last night? Easily mistaken for fireballs at a distance. |
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14% |
[ 1 ] |
| Sempa killed your family. You're heading straight to the Capital to complain and demand recompense? |
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28% |
[ 2 ] |
| Author option (DO NOT USE) |
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14% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 7 |
| Who Voted: algu95, Chinaren, D-Lotus, DeadManWalking, Key, Reiso, Smee |
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