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Kalanna Rai
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 Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:49 pm Post subject: Chapter Ten: The CarnEVIL. |
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Okay so I couldn't wait till tomorrow sorry Stoat...
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Chapter Ten: The CarnEVIL.
Shaking with trepidation, wow that was a big word for him, he urged his charger through the open doorway and into the angled tunnel to level two. As he descended something began to assault his ears. "Is that music Pysche?"
The bow shuddered. "If I had fingers they'd be stuffed in my ears right about now."
"You have ears?" The bow twitched.
"Just keep talking funnyboy, just keep talking." Charming wisely kept his mouth shut yet he couldn't block out the sound. It was horrible, awful, and strangely familier. It wasn't until he noticed the words on the sixth garish banner, he'd sort of 'missed' the others being more concerned with picking his nostril, that he realized what it was.
"It's carnival music!" A noise from just behind him made Charming jump, which isn't easy to do in full armor in the saddle of a horse and has unpleasent consequences as he found out. Turning gingerly he noticed a squat ugly demon in striped carny clothes was mubling at him. "Take that rat out of your mouth. I can't understand a word you're saying!"
The demon chewed on the rat for a few seconds before swollowing it in one gulp and offered an apologetic smile before launching into a corney speech he'd said a thousand times before at least. "It's not a carnival, its the CarnEVIL!" With that he pointed to the sevent garish banner which read, in neon orange letters Hell Level Two: The CarnEVIL
"Oh great," sighed Psyche. "and I suppose there's some sort of twisted version of the Tunnel of Love in here somewhere isn't there?" The demon shook his head.
"No ma'am. The Boss can't interfear with love ya know...lust...well that's another matter but not love. That's you peoples department." He looked back at Charming. "Now Mr. Cupid, normally there's a small entrance fee..."
"What!" Charming squeaked. Surely there was some mistake, Cupid was dead. Yet the demon just rushed on, clearly agitated at the thought of losing a customer.
"Yeah, normally we charge one soul per admittance but since it's your first visit you can go on in for free." The demon swept aside the curtain and patted the charger on the rump. Well he tried to pat the charger on the rump but the moment his slime covered scaley hand got close the horse bolted. "Have an evil time!" The demon called out cheerfully.
For a few moments the vile music assaulted his ears in an eerie way, making his toes tap as though it was the most irrisistable siren song on earth. His charger, becoming increasingly annoyed by his jerky, almost dance movements, because you can't really dance in full armor mounted on a charger, nickered something plaintivly to Pysche.
"Uh, Charming, the horse politely asks that you either get off his back while we go through here or says you can travel the rest of the way on foot." Charming blushed bright red. The music was truly dreadful - and still he couldn't stop dancing. It had to be one of Satan's evil tricks...he really was slipping wasn't he?
He dismounted and began to lead the charger through the brilliantly colored booths, trying in vain to ignore the barkers as they advertised some of the weirdest things ever.
"Malignant toothpaste! Yes get your toothpaste of doom here!"
"Anti-anitfungal cream! Garunteed to make any fungus grow anywhere!"
"Ugli fruit! Come and get your misshapen tangelos here!" Charming walked over to that demon and raised an eyebrow. Under his scrutiney the demon first nervously sweated then snapped. "Yeah, yeah, I know there's really nothing evil or malficient about them, they're actually tasty and delicious but hey, not all products are winners. I don't get to pick what I sell I just sell it."
Still Charming couldn't help smirking...until he wandered into the midway. There were posters everywhere advertising normal things like they were freaks. However, there were a few things that really made him shiver...just from the crowds reactions.
"See the Smee! It's an old British wizard that summons bubbles for entertainment!"
"The Soiled One! He's covered in loam and his mind is five times as filthy!"
"An Albino Stoat! No don't touch little boy, it might make you laugh!"
Charming could only wonder what those things if they made monster things like gorgans, he covered his eyes when he neared them, chimera, arch fiends, and average demons shudder in absolute horror.
He'd been walking, having grown to exhausted to dance, for what seemed like hours before Pysche piped up. "Yo geinus? You are on a rescue mission or did you forget?" Flushing Charming glared at the bow.
"You're lucky I need you. When this is all over I'm going to find the nearest Wishing well in Aftelife and drop you down it."
"I'd just find you again...we're together forever...or until something kills you." Charming looked at the bow.
"Ha! When this is all over I'm headed to Heaven for some much needed R&R and you, my splinter laden piece of insolent firewood, are going to the next Cupid." The speech would have been more impressive if Charming hadn't tripped while he tried to say it and landed full on his face.
Pysche laughed so hard a faint pink nimbus ringed her. "You really are dense arn't you? Newsflash stupid YOU ARE the new Cupid. Remember you kissed me but did you want to hear the terms and conditions noooo..." The truth hit him like a rain of cold halibut...he was Cupid.
Right then and there he dropped to his knees and lifted his face toward the cave celeing with his arms spread wide and his gauntleted finger knarled into claws. "NOOOOOOO...." His charger resolutely broke him out of his moment of self pity by thwaping him across the face with it's tail.
For a moment Charming spluttered on horsehair then kneeled in the mud like a broken doll. The demons that had gathered around him clapped and whistled, throwing golden coins at him before wandering off.
"Who knew Cupid was such a talented preformer?"
"Yeah I thought it was all love and mush with him but hey, who says love don't cause pain?"
"Um, pity party of one you're companions would like to continue their pointless rescue mission. They'd like you to accompany them." Slowly Charming, er Cupid, stood and pulled out the magic ruler, aiming it in all directions till it's answer turned from zzzzzzz to This way stupid. He continued to follow it's directions until he found himself standing infront of a huge, sinister dunk tank.
"Come one, come all and try your hand at dunking the archfiend! Yes that's right, Morlag, the Ringmaster, is waiting for you to dunk him. Charming, er Cupid, took one look at the outfit the 'Ringmaster' was wearing and nearly fainted.
"I could forgive the leopardskin handbag - but the furry dice earrings?" He whispered behind his hand to Pysche. The bow snickered in agreement. Suddenly the barker demon looked at him with greedily glittering eyes.
"Oh, look! A celebrity! Uglies and gerbalmen it seems that Cupid himself is going to try his hand at the Dunk Tank of Despair! Will love prevail?" Quietly Charming, er Cupid damn I am going to have to remember that, put one of his hard earned coins, from his 'street preformance' into the demon's greedy hand after the ruler told him Yeah it's this way are you blind or something.
Taking his three balls he hurled them at the target one at a time. He remembered times in life when he'd done this and was one of the best anyone had ever encountered. Yet though the three balls struck dead center on the target the platform refused to fall. Slowly he spent all his coins until he had only one shot left and all the demons around him were snickering. "Well are you going to hurry up and throw that or are we going to stand here for all eternity?"
"One second." Charming, er...oh forget it, wandered over to where Pysche pulsed faintly on the side of his saddle. "What?"
"They're cheating."
"Is there anything you'd like to point out that isn't blindingly obvious?" The bow huffed and puffed for a moment before answering.
"You've got one shot left. If you fixed the ball on the tip of one of your arrows and fired it from me you might just make the demon take a swim." Grinning evilly Charming did just that and chuckled a little as the two demons exchanged nervous glances.
Before the barker could stop him Charming took aim and fired, whooping with joy as the bell rang, the tank lit up, and Morlag took a swim, furry dice earrings and all. He was forced to cut short his victory celebration when the barker began shouting. "Cheat! Cheat! Hurry and catch him before he get's away!"
Charming was in the saddle in a second, the charger pounding away toward the portal that had appeared where the dunk tank had been...only to balk at the shrill screams that echoed up from the other side. Behind him, angery carnies were ganging up to take him on. He had to get to the third level...but this portal didn't say anything about being the right way to go.
What if the ruler only ment that he had to walk past the dunk tank? Yet already the carnies were cutting off his escape routes...it was becoming the dunk tank portal or nothing.
Charming only had one word for the situation. "Crap..."
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Well what happens now?
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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Well, if it's dunk tank or nothing, I suggest dunk tank 
Entertaining chapter, Kal!
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Stubby
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| Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:19 am Post subject: |
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I wanna see him try to swim in gunge in full armour!
*grin*
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:49 am Post subject: |
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*appears inside a large blue bubble*
Entertaining chapter Kalanna 
Only one way to go though - has he got time for one last ruler check?
If not - through the portal with Cupid.
Happy Writing
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Last edited by Smee on Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Nice, I would write more but I can't concentrate because I have a massive toothache just now.
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 2:19 am Post subject: |
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Good luck with that evil toothache China and don't worry, the story will still be here when it's gone...
_________________
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"Music makes you braver."
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 12:17 am Post subject: |
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New poll now you vote!
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"Music makes you braver."
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dragon_fire372
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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I just read this story from beginning to end and loved it the whole way through. Voted for the portal, because they are such lovely inventions...and demons are not.
Wait...that didn't make any sense...oh well.
Good luck with SGotM!
_________________
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke
Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing
Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two
Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter
Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete!
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| Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Dfire and luck to you and Uncertain Quests as well...
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 10:11 pm Post subject: Chapter Eleven: The Unbeauty Pagent |
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Personally I never thought the story would get this big but here's chapter eleven Yay!
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Chapter Eleven: The Unbeauty Pagent
Given the choices of facing an angery mob or swimming in full plate armor Charming was about to consinge himself to a hero's death. Unfortunately for him his charger had other ideas. With a wild snort and a ferocious whinny, it charged into the portal from which the horrible, blood curdling screams echoed.
They whirled and sloshed, jiggled up and down, and then promptly fell out the other side of the portal, soaking wet and starting to rust in tender spots...Charming sat dazed and confused, which was a bit normal for him, on the stone floor for a moment then, squinting through his visor and sodden hair, said quietly to his charger. "I don't doubt that you're comfortable but could you GET...OFF...ME..." His words trailed away into a wheeze when the horse swung it's massive rear off of him.
He stood up and surveyed his now squashed armor, he looked something like one of those expensive foil wrapped candies that one has carried in ones armpit for too long. With a curse and a mutter he tried to struggle out of it, finding that he was in desperate need of heeding the call of nature, and failed.
"Need a can opener oh charming one?" If Pysche had eyelashes she would have fluttered them on that statement, Charming only cursed at her then, while he did that 'I really need a restroom jig', looked at her with wide eyes and plaintively said,
"Don't mention the word 'can'." The horse whickered, or was that snickered, and walked over to nudge the bag Santa had given him. "Oh right, the pixy dust...wait a second...remember what that stuff did the last time I used it?" But Charming's moment of good sense was overruled by his insistant bladder.
"Here genious let me help." Slowly Psyche did something Charming would have thought impossible. She moved one of her 'arms' into the sack and pulled out the pixy dust. Quick as lightning Charming grabbed the bag and dumped the whole lot out, not caring where it landed or who it hit.
There was a blinding flash and then, when the smoke cleared, Charming walked over to a wall and promptly relieved himself against it. "That's better now...Oh my GOD! What happened!" Where the puffy little white charger and it's simple cloth barding had stood there was now a raident warhorse, in pink plate armor!
His own armor, laying in a neat heap next to the ready for action mount, was definetly that of the 'shining' kind. He walked over and touched it, momentarily engulfed in light and sound, and it magically attached itself to him. "Psyche! Psyche were are you?" He looked around quickly and smacked his head on something large, white, feathery, and attached to him.
"Ouch! Dammit what the hell are these? Wings?" He walked over to the sheild that hung off his charger's saddle and looked at himself. Spreading out behind him, like a mantel of snow or bad dandruff, were two massive white wings. "Holy Heart-shaped blunders! What have I done!"
"I was just asking my self a similar question...only mine was what should I do to you?" Glancing down at his waist, where Psyche's icey voice had come from, he found only a plain scabbard and a longsword with a red heart-shaped gem for a pommel stone.
"Psyche?"
"No your momma! Of course it's me! What did I suddenly develope evil twin syndrom or something!" For a moment Charming stood stunned. Here he was, standing in a tunnel somewhere between the second and third levels of Hell, wearing shining armor, riding a white war-horse even though he still thought of it as a charger, and weilding a magic sword.
"This has been a rough week for me. Monday I wake up, do the hygiene thing, and decide to go for a drive then suddenly...poof! I'm dead, the angel of death hates my guts, and I end up running around hell as Cupid and the knight in Shining armor all rolled into one!"
Pysche was silent a moment. "Well that's what you get for being Prince Charming isn't it?" Charming opened his mouth to yell at her when something chimed in Santa's sack. Reaching in he pulled out Fate's ruler which was ringing at him. "Well arn't you going to answer it?" Psyche said in a dry voice.
Putting it to his ear he swollowed what was left of his pride, and it wasn't much. "Hello?"
"This is the voice of reason speaking...GET MOVING STUPID. With that Chronos hung up.
"Well what'd it say?"
"Father time told me to get moving."
"I'd take his advice. Those screams arn't lessening any and we still havn't found Cyre...or found a way to change me back since you used all the dust in that idiotic move back there." Flushing bright red Charming swung into the saddle and clicked the horse into motion. With a resentful jerk of it's head it started off down the passage.
This time Charming's sharp eyes, well actually he was bored and just staring at anything that jumped out infront of them, picked out the sign that read Hell Level Four: The Unbeauty Pagent! Enter Here! There was a small drop box under the sign and no other obvious entrance.
Charming trotted the charger over to the box and was looking around for an entry form when he felt a peculier sensation. The next thing he knew, Psyche, the horse, and himself were all folded into a neat rectangle and shoved through the slot by unseen forces that laughed maliciously as the three of them screamed, or whinnied in the chargers case.
The next thing he knew Charming was sitting atop his horse back stage at the literal beauty pagent from hell. The contestants were the ugliest things he'd ever seen. The back hair off of any one of them would have doubled as shag carpet and the beards they sported made ZZ Top look well groomed. But that wasn't the worst...the outfits were the worst.
"Shield your eyes!" Psyche screamed and twitched her hilt so that it was hidden behind on of Charming's massive wings. The charger threw it's head until it's forelock hung over it's eyes like blinders and Charming resolutely shut his visor. A squat mustard colored demon with huge reddish brown warts, or he hoped they were warts, and garish neon purple lipstick wandered over too where he sat.
"Ohhh that armor...it'll never do. Too shiny, to spotless, not dented enough. And the horse, no no no all wrong. See look, it's healthy, well groomed, perfectly built...yet again something eye pleasing. And you...well lift that visor."
"You couldn't pay me enough to do that..."
"From the look of it you're just passing through here on some grand quest right?" Charming cautiously nodded. The demoness cackled and rubbed her hands. "Well if you want to move on to the next lowest level then you're gonna have to win the pagent." Charming's jaw dropped.
"Oh no...I thought I escaped all that beauty pagent shit..." The demoness laughed, her huge belly threatening to rip the orange plastic mini sheath dress that covered her and tottered off on her dayglow orange heels.
"You and everyone else that comes this way boy! I'll not be wasting eternity on you...you've got to do it yourself." Charming cursed again. If only he'd not wasted that pixy dust. He pulled off his helmt and heard a gasp from the other side of the stage. An extremely beautiful young woman wandered over.
"Oh I thought I was the only one left. The others, they all drank the potion and became...well just look at them...but not you." She gave him those big googoo eyes and batted her lashes. Pysche chuckled.
"One day on the job and you're already making 'friends'. Whatever will I do with you?" Charming blushed a brilliant crimson and swung down from the saddle. He gavet the beauty a cold stare, remembering all the encounters with hot women he'd had in the past seven days.
"First, I'm not here to save you. Second, if I do find a way out I'm not taking you with me. Third, quit drooling on my greaves!" The woman had indeed been drooling on his plate mail boots and he took a quick step back as she burst into tears.
"I HATE you!" Charming looked stunned as Psyche let out a yell of joy!
"Of course! If the purpose of the pagent is to be as repulsive and unattractive as can be then you have a definite advantage." Looking again at himself in the polished sheild and, finding himself to be the same painfully hansom man as before, unsheathed Pysche and inspected her for the 'rust spots of insanity' that must be forming.
"Moron! You're the incarnation of Love! That means you can either make people fall in love or you can take love away! You should get around to reading the training manule somtime! Anywho, as beauty and love go hand in hand and beauty is in the eye of the beholder all you need to do is walk out there and wave me around. I'll make you look so 'ugly' in their eyes you'll win for sure."
It wasn't much of a plan but there was no way in or out of Hell that Charming was going to do anything to jepordize his flawless good looks. He mounted up, put on his visior, and stood in line with the other contestants. The demoness took one look at him and chuckled. "Fine then! Rot here for eternity with the rest of those who are too vain to put up with a little bad looks."
"You'll be laughing out the other side of your, erm, face when I'm done here!" She only laughed again and began calling the contestants one by one. Charming became nervous, the horse became nervous, Psyche became board, and the horrible screams from the crowd continued as each new contestant wandered out and did something gross and disgusting.
Finally Charming was called out. There was silence as he rode to the middle of the stage, then he drew Psyche. Well drew is a generous term. What he actually did is try to rip her out of her sheath, lose control of her as she shot out of his grip, and juggle her around in the air while the horse shifted nervously benieth him.
The crowd gasped and shrieked in delight, obviously hoping he'd skewer himself or the horse and bleed allover the stage. But Charming's luck, if it could be called that held. Finally he caught hold of her and she blazed with a sickening pink light. For a moment nothing happened. Then the crowd shrieked in a thunderous roar and the judges, fingers stuffed so far into their ears that the wax that rolled out formed perfect candles on their shoulders, roared something that was lost in the crowd noise.
"What did you say?"
"We said GET OUT!" With that they opened a massive portal and shoved him threw it using pink yard flamingos and those novelty painted ties on massive neon green ptichforks to make him get the point. Not knowing if this was the portal out or some kind of cell for eternal torment Charming was forced into the blank wall of darkness without so much as one word of protest.
However he still held Psyche aloft, and she still glowed with a gentle pink light which was good because otherwise he'd have been as blind as a bat with coke bottle glasses in a tanning bed. Slowly, listening to the plink...plink...plink of what he hoped was drippin water, he ventured deeper into the tunnel.
After what seemed like an eternity he came to a fork in the tunnel. It seemed to be a giant salad fork, approximately fifteen feet high and made of silver...or was it titainium he couldn't tell. Sitting on the top, which was sculped to look like the head of the greek god Apollo, was a bored looking raven.
Slowly Charming pulled out the ruler and aimed it at each of the four fork tines, trying to see which way was the way out but the ruler only said They'll all get you there, ask the stupid bird which way is fastest I'm busy right now! Charming apprihensivly eyed the Raven.
"Um hello?" The bird ruffled it's feathers and stared at Charming with it's beady little sleepy demon eyes. "Which way is the fastest way out?"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore..."
Great! His one way out and it was...well it's answer seemed familier. Still talking to the stupid bird could waste more time than the short route would gain him. Still the ruler had said to talk to the bird...but it also said all the ways would get him there. He could always just wing it? Charming slumped in his saddle. This just wasn't his day...
------------------------
Well....?
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 1:33 am Post subject: |
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| Forget the bird. Just take the way that looks easiest. Charming seems to be the sort who'd go for the easy life, given the choice
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 1:49 am Post subject: |
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Yeah. Eenie, meenie, miinie, moe seems more his style  ...
_________________
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"Music makes you braver."
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| Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Great chapter Kalanna,
I'm more inclined to try and get more from the bird. He's been pretty damn hopeless at listening to, or finding out instructions. When he has actually found something out it's been to his advantage.
"They'll all get you there" is also rather inspecific. I could get to work each morning if I head towards London, swing around the M25 and come back again, but that certainly isn't the best thing to do.
The ruler says speak to the bird, so speak to the bird. Either that or give the Ruler a good shake seem if it doesn't say something more helpful.
Happy Writing
P.S He should get some practice with those wings as well - they may be required very soon.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 6:03 am Post subject: |
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Lets see, we have a nice fat raven, sitting there looking arrogant, and an extremely effective magical weapon.
Anyone hungry? I'm sure we could get a nice fire going.
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 6:55 am Post subject: |
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I'll agree with Stubby there. Then the ruler will have to tell us something a little more useful
Besides we just spoke to the stupid bird. 
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dragon_fire372
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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Catch the bird and pluck his feathers out one by one till he tells you what you need to know.
Ok, maybe not...but you probably should talk to him more.
_________________
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke
Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing
Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two
Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter
Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete!
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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Just when you thought I was going to fade quietly into nonexsistence here I am demanding youVote Now!!!
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"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm my suggestion got split off by itself instead of kill the bird to force the ruler to give him a better answer 
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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Yup, I liked the idea of trying to torture a ruler into giving a better answer...
_________________
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"Music makes you braver."
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| Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 11:34 pm Post subject: Chapter Twelve: No! Not Michael Jackson!! |
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Okay it was a three way tie so I tried to make everyone happy...so it's not my fault if I failed miserably....
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Chapter Twelve: No! Not Michael Jackson!!
Charming slumped in his saddle so deeply that he didn't realize he was falling out of it until it was too late. With a loud rattle he landed in a tangled, tin heap on the tunnel floor. For a moment he couldn't hear much over the ringing in his ears...then he became aware that that supid raven was cawing. Not just cawing but laughing at him in it's ravenly manner.
"I'm going to give you three seconds to give me the correct answer to the question 'which way do I go' before I start with the torment." The bird looked at him with an 'I'm busy you're ugly have a nice day' look, opened it's little black beak and said....
"Nevermore." With a cry like someone who's just realized that they've been eating laxitive laced brownies, Charming drew Psyche from her scabbard and proceeded to get mideval on the crow's ass. Feather's flew like a cat in a pillow factory and the pathetic cry's of 'Nevermore!' rang out hollowly on the tunnel walls.
Finally, when he'd quiet exhausted himself, Charming looked at his handy work. There, laying on the tunnel floor, was the plucked corpse of the raven, slowly cooking in the heat. "Well you've really cooked your goose, er raven, now! How are we supposed to get out of here!"
Charming looked at the raven, his stomach rumbled but he decided against eating the bird for two reasons. One this was Hell, you didn't eat while here. Two ravens were only one step removed from crows and who want's to eat crow. Then, as Psyche's rant continued, he finally snapped. "Oh shut up." He rammed her into her scabbard with an air of finality then he sized the ruler.
"Alright you insolent sliver of wormwood! You give me a straight answer or I'm feeding you to the fires of Hell, gift from Fate or not!" The ruler trembled in his hands. Ruler. Ha that's a straight answer isn't it! Charming had an odd sense of deja vu. Was this journey getting so boring that the jokes were getting repetative. Not for the first time he wondered what sick, twisted force motivated his actions.
With a dark glower upon his face Charming was about to show the ruler the meaning of the words 'tought love'. "This isn't gonna be pretty but believe me. It's gonna hurt both of us in the long run...but it's gonna hurt you worse."
----------------
Some hours later the ruler had been humiliated in every possible way. It had been scorched, stomped, tromped, singed, burned, shaved, splintered, scratched, chopped, cut, nailed, bolted, soiled, sullied, branded, and broken in a million pieces only to have to reassemble it's self since none but the Fates could do anything permenant to it. Charming paced around it like a circling shark.
"Well? Are you going to talk? I'm not normally this nasty but you've got to understand where I'm coming from. I've been in Hell so long I'll never be able to wash the stench out of my hair, I'm dirty, tired, hungery, thirsty, pissed, and no closer to finding my friend than I was last chapter...whoa where'd that come from?" Charming scratched his head trying to fingure out why he'd said that then shrugged. Thinking had never been his strong suit.
The ruler weakly shimmered and coughed up one answer...The bird was right. Read the tines on the fork, pick the tine of Nevermore. It'll get you where you're going. Puzzled in earnest Charming dropped the ruler back into the little sack. He walked over to the tines and looked at them closely. Sure enough each tine was neatly inscribed with a flowing script.
The first tine said Some More, the second Anymore, the third Can I have some more, and the fourth No More. "That damned ruler! There is no tine of never more!" Then, as if struck by a bolt of lightning when, in fact it was a rock falling from the ceiling, Charming shouted "Eureaka!"
"I've got it. The tine 'No More'! Nevermore and No More are practically the same thing!" Quickly he mounted his charger, grabbed Psyche, and touched her to the tine. The floor suddenly lowered until they were standing in total darkness. A voice suddenly flooded the small space.
Welcome to the Secret Chute to Level Four! We, the Administration, ask that you please keep all valuble appendages inside the ride at all time because you won't finish the ride with them otherwise. Now, without further ado, enjoy the ride! And the floor suddenly tilted out from underneith them sending them on what could only be called the 'Waterslide from Hell'.
They spun around and around in the filthy water, or they hoped it was water, and their screams echoed chillingly off the walls. It was all up down, around and around, a steep climb that suddenly turned into what seemed like a thousand foot drop that shot them into a drain-like spiral and then into another thousand foot drop that turned into a gentle slide that left them on another patch of soild ground.
Thank you for riding the Secret Chute to Level Four! Here's your souvenier photo. An 8x10 glossy was extended on a mechanical arm and Charming snagged it before the arm could charge him an arm and a leg for it.
"Aww. My eye's are closed." In the photo Charming's eyes were indeed closed, the horse was in the process of soiling it's self, and Psyche's hilt was buried in a bag uncerimoniusly marked 'BARF'. The sword flushed bright pink.
"Well at least I didn't wet myself...which is more than the two of you can say." Charming dropped Psyche accidentally on purpose into the large, stinking mound of manure that had followed them off the chute. When she'd had a chance to splutter and flail, it's actually funny to watch a sword flail, he pulled her out again.
"You look pretty soiled to me." The horse snickered and Psyche muttered darkly. With a victorious chuckle, Charming mounted the horse again and sent him off down the tunnel...they hadn't gone far when the door to level four appeared. It was pretty average, the door to any corner shop you might visit. It had a metal frame around clear glass that had a metal push bar in the middle and, in gaudy painted letters three inches high, the words Hell Level Four: Music Shop of Horrors
"This dosen't seem so bad." Charming had always been enamored of music...good music. No prima donna pop divas, no 'so similar they could be cloned' boy bands, no people who couldn't play an instrument to save their souls, real musicians singing about real problems...like Spinal Tap.
With a sense that he was finally getting somewhere Charming shoved open the door...and was painfully forced to recall why the place was called Hell. The door slammed shut behind him leaving him trapped between two massive speakers both blairing 'Thriller' at the top of their sound range. If he'd thought the Britney Spears music was bad, it was Opera of the highest standards by comparison.
Psyche was making this occilating, high frequency, keen and the charger was tossing it's head and rolling it's eyes in pain. "I've got to get out of here!" Almost as soon as the words popped out of his mouth he noticed the counter tucked in the far corner of the room. With a savage kick to the charger's ribs he made the horse bolt across the store, taking the entier disco section at one leap.
He landed infront of the rather startled, pimply, and all around not too bright looking demon behind the counter. He leaned down and seized the slovenly creature by the front of it's greasy red and white striped shirt and hauled it up so that it's piggy snout was only inches away from his face. If he'd had a mirror right now Charming would never have recognized himself.
His journy through Hell was changing him. His armor was battered and dirty, his wings soot-streaked, his hair limp and damp with sweat and water, and his eyes blazed with a zelous fury. He was an awesome, terrible, very cool in the baddest way, sight to behold. And the demon was too terrified of him to even think about lying simply because the idiot thought that Charming was some Angel of Vengance, sent on a heavenly mission.
"You are going to tell me how to get out of this place and you are going to to do it NOW!" The first bit was hissed through his clenched teeth but the last was roared so loud it shook plaster out of the ceiling. The demon squealed in fear as Charming drew Psyche and put her point to his ribs.
"You gotta sing the door a song." He pointed to the plain door marked 'Employees Only' behind the counter. Charming wasn't satisfied. He pushed Psyche's point deeper, almost to the point where it would break the skin.
"Which song! Tell Me!" The demon squealed louder in pain and writhed a bit in Charming's gauntleted grasp, only making things worse for himself as Charming's charger bit him on his curly tail.
"Aiiee! I don't know exactly! Nobody's ever made it out before! But I do know that it's one of those two songs!" He pointed to a pair of CD singles laying next to the cash register. "And you gotta hit the notes just right or...or the door will eat you...and your white horse too."
Charming dropped the demon, who landed with a boneless thump and began greatfully kissing the filthy carpet. Charming picked up the two songs. "Barney and Friends? Tellytubbies? The themesongs! What kind of fool do you take me for?" But in all the excitement the clerk demon had escaped to a filthy bolt hole in the rap section...somewhere between Eminem and Vanilla Ice.
Staring at the door, holding both the songs as if they were nuclear waste, Charming wondered what had made him sink so low...and why was he listening to the demon. He fished around in his sack until he brought out the ruler. It remained stubbornly blank. Charming sighed.
"Look. I realize what I did was wrong...but Hell's really starting to get on my nerves. I'm not saying that makes what I did any better but what say you we call a truce. I won't do anything else to you...and you cut the sarcasm huh? Deal?"
The ruler pulsed to life. Deal. If you want to get out of here you gotta sing to the door, true enough, but you have to sing something much worse than Barney or the Tellytubbies. You have to sing...
-------------------
Well what song does Charming have to sing to the door?
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 3:52 am Post subject: |
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Uh...new chappys up....sorry 'bout the delay...
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"Music makes you braver."
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:43 am Post subject: |
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I like what you did with the raven and the sign. Very good
As for songs - I think the entire 100 verses of 100 bottles of beer on the wall would be pretty mind-numbing, especially if it had to be sung correctly, in tune and never missing out a number.
I'd like to see a couple of decision points that give the readers some choice in where the story goes next though. Since we entered hell, there's basically been very little we could do other than 'go this way or mill around aimlessly'. It's been very entertaining stuff, but I'm beginning to feel a bit out of the loop.
Now - what's through door number 4?
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:46 am Post subject: |
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Stoat you have a way of making me reveal my surprises early...the first four decision points in hell were supposed to be mind numbing...because the dpoint from level five well...all hell is going to break loose...
Darn you weasle...just tap your claws and give a dragon a break...
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:47 am Post subject: |
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Sorry. I like my decision points to be interesting all the way through the story. I'm a demanding reader - they're the best sort in the long run 
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Nice chapter.
As to what sing, I have always hated 'a lovely daaaaaaaaaaay' whatever that is called.
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Neil Hartley Books.
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 4:49 am Post subject: |
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There was a method to my madness...numb the reader into a mundane slump...then completely blitz them with something so unexpected it hits them like a mac truck!
Hopefully I can still recover enough to stick to that plan but it's gonna be tough ...
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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thebean203
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| Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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no good ideas...
oh wait, is this the super-good story that i never commented before? must be......anyway, cant think of anything but will comment 
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:03 am Post subject: |
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Hey Kalanna,
Good chapter. - Some entertaining moments, in particular
| Quote: | | With a cry like someone who's just realized that they've been eating laxitive laced brownies |
Your typos are still rather excessive though - which I guess is a consequence of you pumping the chapters out so fast. I don't think you're going to lose readers by waiting that extra 24 hours whilst you give them an edit.
Simple things like :
| Quote: | | Charming looked at the raven, his stomach rumbled but he decided against eating the bird for two reasons. One this was Hell, you didn't eat while here. Two ravens were only one step removed from crows and who want's to eat crow. |
When I saw "Two Ravens" - I immediately thought, where'd the second one come from? I had to re-read the sentence several times to work it out.
When telling a joke - especially when it's word play, it's VITAL to get all the punctuation and spelling correct. To me, the two-raven error pulled me from the story and back into my deskchair; neatly ruining the immersion and the joke.
As for the decision point...
Sod the singing door.
If we're ever going to find her, we need to get off the 'tourist' track and get into the behindthescenes hell.
How about following the demon - get over to somewhere between Eminem and Vanilla Ice and look about for the bolthole.
Happy Writing
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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| Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:43 am Post subject: |
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Polling...see what's next by voting!
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| Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! Someone voted for the out of the box idea! Now to break midieval on his ass...
---------------------
Chapter Thirteen: Congradulations! You Have Impending Doom Syndrom.
Charming looked at the ruler once...then twice and shook his head. "I have three words for you. Oh Hell No." With that he stuffed the stupid thing back in his bag and paced around the floor, his charger following him like a well trained dog. Nobody spoke, not the sword, not the horse, and not Charming. Lately his mood hadn't been too...inviting...for conversation.
"You know what? Screw this! I've been doing nothing but going here and there since I got here. Follow this, open that door, quick bark like a seal and toot dixy on one of those little horn thingys and somebody might throw me a fish! Bullshit! I didn't take this crap while I was alive...why the hell am I doing it now!" With glower that might have given Satan himself a run for his money, if Hell held elections that is, he set off in the general direction that the demon had run.
After much blundering around, and the finding of a sweet discman, Charming managed to locat the interdimensional warp portal that existed in the 'White Rapper' section. "Damn. I'd never have thought to look here."
"Maybe that's why it's here genious." Charming shot Psyche a 'how'd you like me to post that barf picture on the Internet' glance and proceeded on to a more difficult problem. Namely, how did he fit the horse through. "If only you hadn't used all that pixy dust..."
Charming wasn't about to be stopped now. He manuvered himself behind the horse and, without a care as to how the charger felt about it, gave a mighty shove. At first nothing happened...then, with a quivering that announced his intentions, the horse let loose a rather loud fart that blew Charming over backwards.
"What have you been eating?" He stood there for a few moments trying to get his hair back into some semblance of order and then resumened shoving, brave man. Finally, with a heave so mighty Atlas might have given him an 8.5 at best, Charming managed to shove his charger through...and promptly fell gracelessly after it.
They collapsed into an art deco elevator, that was even playing a rather tinny elevatorish rendition of a Glen Miller song, much to the surprise of a rather bored looking zombie in a bell hop suit. He mumbled something that might have, in his former lifetime been 'Hot Damn' and jumped...or well tried to. You see he was rather rotten and when he went to jump his torso lurched backwards but his legs staied where they were.
Charming looked at him with a disgusted lip curl. "Good God, pull yourself together man!" The zombie gasped in horror mumbling something that might have been 'You said the 'G' word!' before bursting into flames and being reduced to a pile of ash in a few seconds. Charming slapped himself on the forehead, a gesture eerily similar to the one Cyre had used while dealing with him ealier.
He faced the control pannel with the air of some cheap man who has no talent for building, repairing, or assembling anything but is faced with the challenge of doing it himself or spending money to have it done. That's right, Charming had no idea what the shiney buttons meant but he was going to push them until something good or, since this was Hell that was asking a little much, slightly on the side of irritaiting instead of mortally harmful happened.
He got his wish almost instantly. Pushing bright yellow button sent him whizzing upwards and opened on, of all things, the CarnEVIL. Quickly, before the still angery mob saw him, he pushed a bright red button. This took him up to a club where music blared loud and insistant and a brilliant neon sign read 'Dante's Inferno'.
There was a rather long line waiting to enter the car with him. "Hey are you done in there yet! Some of us have buisiness down there!" Charming slammed the door in their faces and began pushing button after button, desperately trying to find a way to wherever Cyre was being held. Each button did something new, some taking him up, others down, some side to side and diagonally.
It was like being in the Wonkavator...if Willy Wonka had been a sadistic former archangel bent on making everyone suffer the ultimate punishments devised for them in the most nefarious place ever thought of. They were spun up and down, circled the drain a few times, had their hair turned pink, which amused Psyche to no end until her blade turned pink as well.
They were shook like peas in a hollow gourd or a dry martini. Charming could even hear Sean Connery's voice as it was happening demanding something 'Shaken. Not stirred.' Then there was a crunching sound as everything in the car was ripped in to little shreds an reassembled, by a crack smoking wallaby in the dark or so it seemed to them.
Finally there was a massive crash, the car tipped forward, and dumped them all onto slick, oatmeal colored tiles. A sedate, printed sign, announced that he had reached Hell Level Nine: The DMV Charming felt his heart sink to his stomach. "I've heard about this place. It's the worst. You end up waiting here forever for a photo from a camera that could make Angelina Jolie look like a fat, bald, homeless man who's forgotten to shower for six months."
He reached to pull Psyche out of her sheath...only to find that the sheath was gone. He looked around quickly, and smacked his nose against his wing hard enough to look like Marsha Brady after the 'football' incident. He rubbed it vigorously...and realized he was no longer wearing armor. He was dressed in the same clothing that he'd been wearing when he went for that fateful drive...what seemed like all those years ago.
Psyche, back in bow form, and his quiver of magical arrows were laying on the ground not far from his feet and a pair of keys were hooked on the handy keychain that attached to the quiver's strap. Reaching down he picked them up, recognizing the lucky rabbit's foot that had adorned his former keys back on earth. "Huh?" He turned around to look for his horse and found a white Dodge Charger sitting behind him, completely pimped. It couldn't have been any more bling-a-fied if it had belonged to Snoop Dog.
"Whoa."
"Whoa is right." He whirled around to find the one person he'd been looking for, and had least expected to find after his weird ride through Hell, standing right behind him.
Cyre looked no worse for the wear, infact she shimmered with an angelic aura of impeccible health. Her clothes, the same she'd been wearing when Charming had accidentally sent her down here, were clean and spotless and she held a folded hand of cards against her hip.
"Cyre! You're okay! I was...and I...then I came...Oh and Father Time told me to give this to you!" He fished in his bag and pulled out the previously forgotten charm braclet that he'd stuffed in there shortly before starting this...trip. Cyre reached out with a raised eyebrow and took hold of it. She glance upwards.
"I have the affermative to use this...okay then." She slid it onto her wrist, shook it to settle it a bit, and then glared at Charming. "Lucy...you have some 'splainin' to do."
For all his new looks and former, new, attitude Charming didn't quite know what to say to a slightly peeved looking Angel of Death. Cyre didn't look like she needed a rescue. Infact, as he glanced over her shoulder, it looked like he'd interrupted a game of poker she'd been in the process of winning.
Somehow telling her he'd come all this way to save her seemed...well...stupid. "Uh, well...I havn't been doing much."
"Right and you suddenly grew wings and took over Cupid's office because you've got a sudden craving for chocolate and pink fuzzy things...get real. You came down here with a bunch of 'noble hero' intentions didn't you."
An evil chuckle echoed from off to their right. "Yup. He's been very intertaining to those of us up in the security booth." Grim sidled up to Charming and offered him a boney hand. "Boy you just made me oodles of cash. Those idots didn't think you'd discover the Hellivator in time."
"Time for what?"
Grim grinned, well he was a skull...it's not like he had many facial expressions to choose from, and laughed again. Cyre slapped him and he shook himself. "Right. You're just in time to watch the compitition."
"What compitition?"
Cyre sighed. "Well I bet Grim that you'd come after me. He bet me you'd save your sorry ass. Now that you're hear, Grim dosen't get to tear you limb from limb," at this Grim pouted, or what passed for a pout. "However, because you were still mortal when you first entered Hell, and you were dead, that gives him claim you your immortal soul, whether you've become Cupid since or not."
Charming just stood there for a moment. "Isn't there anything I can do to get it back?" Grim shook his head.
"No...but there is something Cyre can do...and you're gonna do it ain't ya." Cyre sighed an rolled her wings.
"It's not fun anymore, you always loose."
"I might win this time."
"Not a chance Grim. We've been having dance offs since you wimped out of trial by combat. You didn't win them and you don't win these...why don't you pick a different sport." It looked like Grim was considering it for a second...but then he laughed again.
"Well you can either face me in a dance off...or you two can face the camera...or you can..."
------------------------
What other options do they have?
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 10:36 am Post subject: |
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He paused, dramatically.
"Or... if you dare..." He laughed a sinister laugh, "You can face me in... Rock, Scissors, Paper. To the death!"
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Stubby
Guest
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| Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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| How about.... to incorporate the musical aspect still, but not necessarily a dance-off... they could play musical chairs?
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Kalanna Rai
Assassin for Hire
Joined: 21 Jan 2006
Topics: 173
Posts: 3102
Location: The Frozen North
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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*laughs* You guys are having way too much fun with this...Told ya things would pick up Stoat...
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
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