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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come now Powers, that wasn't very sportsman-like was it? I'm the only one who's going to be taking Shady's money around here. *looks imploringly, indicating empty store cupboards and starving African children* Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 5:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I made all the changes but the first one - I agree with you, but haven't figured out how to fix it yet. Thanks again.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, Smee's up... Please remember that many of these are suggestions and the author is free to accept or reject them.
Smee wrote:
Jona sighed around her excitement. You'd have thought he'd have got used to it by now.

I would keep this in the third person or make it explicit that it's Jona thinking this, not the narrator. "He should really be used to this by now, she thought". Hmm, maybe.
Quote:
Yet no matter the experiments, or quantity of collated evidence...

Make these match: "no matter the number of experiments or the quantity of collated evidence" Hmm, I'm not sure about 'collated evidence', either - is 'collated data' better?
Quote:
Wearily she reached to the back of her clipboard and pulled out a small piece of purple paper. He managed to refrain from snatching...barely, and read it out loud.

Does this mean he's reading it while she's still holding it? "He accepted it, barely resisting the urge to snatch it from her fingers, and read it..." Again, maybe.
Quote:
The hand was child-like, each letter printed separately.

Quote:
Toby cut her off [insert period and space] "Yeah, picked it up on their own. Of course they did. You'll be telling me they talk next."

Lose the ... before the 'Yeah'. He's cutting her off, not continuing a thought.
Quote:
He'd known to call her first, everyone did.

Semicolon, not comma.
Quote:
After dragging a few questions from her half-asleep mind she'd hung up and contacted Toby.

I don't get this. Does this mean she asked Phil some questions, or that she thought up some questions? I think it could be reworded a bit.
Quote:
Eventually

Quote:
"Sir, you'll see if we just go in," she persisted, gesturing again to the door of the lab they still stood outside.

We know they're still outside, because she's asking him to go in. Replace "the door of the lab they still stood outside" with "the lab door." It has the added benefit of removing your dangling preposition.
[quote"Yes, yes, let's see the miracle then," he replied infuriatingly sarcastically.[/quote]
'Infuriatingly sarcastically' is pretty clunky. One possibility: "...he replied. Jona bristled at the sarcasm in his voice."
Quote:
As soon as she was through the door she scanned the fairly large room.

Definitely lose the 'fairly'. Also, since you're about to tell us the size in the next sentence, I'd use something other than 'large' here. "...scanned the furnished apartment within"? "scanned the cluttered room"? I don't know, something.
Quote:
Laughing, she managed...

Quote:
Tiko, a large male, immediately clambered off her shoulders and quickly wrapped Toby in an equivalent embrace whereas Kiko, a female...

"The large male" and "the female". There's only one of each, plus Jona knows them both.
Quote:
Kiko suddenly pulled back from the legs and Jona watched carefully as the primate's thick fingers formed a series of signs.

I'd split this into two sentences and say "...from Jona's legs."
Quote:
Jona grinned, and quickly signed back to Kiko.

Lose the comma.
Quote:
"Lead the way." Kiko immediately took up her hand and gently led her to the table. A quick glance in the mirror showed Tiko similarly leading Toby.

Too many 'leads'. Use 'directed', 'guided', etc.
Quote:
Once they were seated, both the apes moved to the wall-opening where their food was put in.

"Once the humans were seated," I think - the apes didn't move after they themselves were seated, did they? Also, I'd change "both the apes" to "the two apes". Oh, and 'put in' has to be changed to something like 'delivered'.
Quote:
Carefully [insert comma]Tiko carried...

Quote:
"Fascinating," Toby whispered, even as Jona looked directly at the mirror. "You getting all this Phil?"
A click, and Phil's voices cracked through some speakers. "Sure am Jons."

The first paragraph reads as though Toby is the only speaker. "...as Jona looked directly at the mirror and asked, 'You...'" works. Also, I assume Phil was only meant to have one voice. Very Happy
Quote:
This one laden with toast, jams, and a variety of fruit.

Fragment. "...was laden" or, better yet, "...was filled", siince you've already used 'laden'.
Quote:
Remarkably [insert comma] Kiko shrugged her shoulders, [strike 'and then'] placed a finger against her lips and grinned widely.

Quote:
to pickup

"...pick up"
Quote:
The clang of crockery made them look around to see Tiko had just slammed down the lid on the teapot, and had now picked it up.

Very awkward.
Quote:
Before they could say anything [insert comma] Kiko had appeared back at the table with the third tray. It contained nothing but four standard party hats, complete with colourful cartoon animals [no comma] and cheap elastic cord. Where had Phil got these from?

"From where had Phil gotten these?"
Quote:
"Quick, put them on, almost ready," Jona snapped the elastic under her chin grining.

"Jona grinned as she snapped the elastic..." seems better. And note the misspelling of 'grinning'.
Quote:
Surprise shook her as she saw that during the hat distraction Tiko had poured the tea and was now trying to pick up a cup brimming with the steaming liquid to pass to Toby.

Awkward. Break this up.
Quote:
"Mmmmm," she said out loud, followed by quickly signing, "Delicious."

Maybe "while quickly..." or "quickly following up by..."
Quote:
Jona nearly clapped in delight when Tiko took his own sip, even blowing gently first. "Oh Toby, look at him."

Jona's blowing gently? Think you need to rephrase this. And why not just let her clap and lose the 'nearly'?
Quote:
Again Jona was shocked. They had used 'we' in a way that no primate had ever done. It had always been 'I', even with Koko, the world famous Gorilla that before these two, had the largest vocabulary of signs. Still was, as far as most people knew. Their work here was top secret. Never before had gene-therapy, and genetic recombination been taken so far. The only way they could get away with it was by having an emergency system to reverse all the changes they had done to their two subjects. The moment they were compromised a specially concocted mixture would flood the room in seconds. Once inhaled it would trigger an immediate reaction in the brains of the primates, reverting them back to their normal mental capacity instead of the near human standard they had become.

Ok. A couple more comma problems, but I'll stop noting those. Mostly, though, this paragraph really sticks out. The whole rest of the story is presented from a character's POV, and we need to infer what's going on from the context. Here, we have a big block of Important Information. I think you could find a way to disperse this with a bit more subtlety (I do understand that the word limit makes it difficult).

I wonder if you could get away with just saying that they'd worked long and hard to get permission, and finally did as long as they made arrangements that the apes couldn't get out with their enhanced intelligence intact. We'll figure out the mechanism when the gas starts flowing.
Quote:
(how nice could it be to an ape's taste?)

Quote:
Jona slipped more tea, [semicolon, not comma, plus add a space] it really was delicious

Quote:
Both apes grinned around a mouthful of banana, although, Jona noted, they had carefully peeled them rather than just biting through the skin.

I don't think 'although' fits here. Just make it two sentences.
Quote:
"Help, come quick, not breathing."
Phil sprinted to the main door and had to put the code in twice before he got it right.

To me, Phil comes off as pretty darned gullible here. I wonder if just adding something like "bad tea" to Kiko's message would make it more believable.
Quote:
muttering to himself, why me? Why me?

Muttering is talking, use quotes. If he's thinking, use italics.
Quote:
He checked Jona next; the same.

Colon here, not semicolon.
Quote:
Phil near wet himself in shock and horror. He knew exactly what that siren meant. But how?
He looked down at the sleeping pair, and urgency filled him. He pulled up Toby and began slapping him around the face more and more forcefully. After a half dozen the eyes flickered open.
"Ph..Phil..what's going on? What happened? What's that god-awful noise?"
A moaning behind Phil indicated Jona waking too.
"Why...why is the emergency alarm going off?" She muttered, clutching her head in pain.
"I don't know" Phil exclaimed close to panic. "Kiko said you weren't breathing, so I came in here to check on you both. I found you both asleep, and I couldn't find either of them. Next thing the alarm went off."
Toby staggered to his feet, his mind starting to function. "We've got to get out of here, you know what that alarm means!"

Yeah, we get it, the alarm's going off. You must be able to find a way to get them all awake and panicked without repeating the same information over and over. A few other grammar things up here, but I'll leave them to you.
Quote:
"Oh my god!" Phil yelled, and leapt over the sofa and smacked at the door release.

"as he leapt..."
Quote:
At sight of the speeding gas Jona and Toby both lost it as much as Phil, and all three flung themselves at the small wall alcove, flinging the trays away to get at it.

(1) Gas doesn't speed. (2) Replace one of the 'flings'. (3) I think 'lost it' is a bit colloquial here. (4) 'At the sight of..."
Quote:
His lips seemed to curl up abnormally as he tried to get the odd sounds out. "Yes let's go," he said. "Let's leave the chimps to their tea-party," he signed afterwards.

Lose the 'seemed to'.

I like the talking at the end - a nice little bonus surprise.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Powers wrote:
Smee wrote:

Before they could say anything [insert comma] Kiko had appeared back at the table with the third tray. It contained nothing but four standard party hats, complete with colourful cartoon animals [no comma] and cheap elastic cord. Where had Phil got these from?


"From where had Phil gotten these?


Try not to use got OR gotten! Terrible word! How about found?

and...

Bloody hell Powers! Good work! I am scared now. Surprised
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chinaren wrote:
Try not to use got OR gotten! Terrible word! How about found?


Ouch. Good catch, China. 'Found' is much better, and you can lose the "from where" at the beginning too.

Quote:
I am scared now. Surprised


Mwaa-haa-ha! Your turn will come. You cannot escape. :twisted:
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 6:04 pm    Post subject: Re: Here is my submission Reply with quote

Nate Z. is next.

Nate Z wrote:
it still can be fixed up i think.


I think that's a fair assessment.

Quote:
“So you say that these guests have hats made from yak fur with dog ears attached?”, Mr. Stabler paused for a moment to formulate the correct response and he finally managed to reply. “Yes, the yak fur makes up a nine bands which signifies Genghis Khans signature symbol, the dog ears represent the
great grand father of the entire group who is coming who made some sort of weird deal with a dog”, the young man looked at her flunky (or Butler as the conservatives like to call it) and burst out laughing.... “ahahahaha, you can’t be serious that THESE kooks are the people visiting MY mansion
as part of my *Diversity Day* dinner”... A few seconds passed and the mans look changed from a grin to a frown.


Ok, I count nine errors in the first paragraph. Again, I'll be happy to do a closer reading if the author cares to edit it first.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok - let's get through this.

Thanks a lot for doing this Powers Very Happy

Quote:
Jona sighed around her excitement. You'd have thought he'd have got used to it by now.
I tried something - hopefully it works.

Quote:
Yet no matter the experiments, or quantity of collated evidence...
I just got rid of collated - quantity of evidence seems better to me.

Quote:
Wearily she reached to the back of her clipboard and pulled out a small piece of purple paper. He managed to refrain from snatching...barely, and read it out loud.
I see the point, I added a 'He took it.'

Quote:
After dragging a few questions from her half-asleep mind she'd hung up and contacted Toby.
Yep - confusing. I rewrote it.

Quote:
"Sir, you'll see if we just go in," she persisted, gesturing again to the door of the lab they still stood outside.

Laughing My dangling preposition has hopefully been moved to a place of stability.

Quote:
"Lead the way." Kiko immediately took up her hand and gently led her to the table. A quick glance in the mirror showed Tiko similarly leading Toby.

*nods* Good point.

and I have to stop there for now - I'll get to the rest a little later, got (have Wink) visitors at the moment.

Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just six day's to get those Stories in!

So... enough of the silly font shenanigans, get too it! :biggrin:
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phang's up.

General comments: what's the rush? This clocks in at 800 or so words and strikes me as a sketch. I would have liked to see more to the story (what's the purpose of the program, for instance).


Phang wrote:
Now, all he had to do was wait…and hope nothing else went wrong. If it did, he might just scream.

Keep the tense consistent. "If it did, he was sure he'd scream."
Quote:
If you looked closely enough, you saw that their feet only glided over the floor, mere millimetres away.

"...glided a few millimetres above the floor."
Quote:
These were holograms – the ridiculous children’s party hats they wore beamed out light to maintain the being underneath them.

Awkward, and inconsistent. At minimum, 'creature' becomes 'creatures'. Better to reword: maybe "...to maintain the image, or break it into a couple sentences.
Quote:
mixed up at little.

"a little."
Quote:
The other IFian guests were less problematic – Storm was bristling and crackling with lightning bolts, but that was put down to her finally relenting to a little experimentation with her choice of magical weaponry.

Use a period, not a dash. The part before the dash implies that you'll talk about more than one guest, but the part after refers only to Storm.
Quote:
And [lose the and] Key’s king chess piece was the latest fashion. No, it wasn’t moulded to his head at all, don’t worry. [and lose this whole sentence]

Quote:
Next were a group of images gone horrifically wrong – including, but not limited to, a blue blob...

"...wrong, among them a blue blob..."
Quote:
and a…a thing which defied description – and [an] appropriate phrase in a way, for it later turned out that this beast was a combination of Nemesis, a zebra, a leopard and some really sick porn images (Zlake was reminded of his mate’s DVD collection).

So it defies description but you turn right around and describe it. Just cut straight to the description.

The larger problem here is that we're told they've gone horrifically wrong, but they don't seem too different from the IFian crew. What were they supposed to be?
Quote:
Everything that could have gone wrong, had, it seemed so far.

Better to show us this than tell us. Just contrast what the creatures looked like with what they were supposed to look like.
Quote:
Zlake wearily invited in guest after deformed guest, making notes of the combinations in a vain hope that he could find the secret to correcting such problems completely – he had been the host of the ‘Dinner Party’ test program since last year.

The part after the dash doesn't really connect to the part before. Pull it out to its own paragraph and use the opportunity to tell us more about Zlake and the program.
Quote:
Eventually came the part he had been dreading – the group of beasts he was certain had been included just to torture the dinner party host.

Included by whom?
[descriptions of creatures]
Are these the way they're supposed to look or not?
Quote:
The ‘guests’ were...

Now they're guests in quotes?
Quote:
people began to get drunk.

This is the first time you've referred to them as 'people'. Do you want to?
Quote:
...between the morally right apparitions

"Morally right"?
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NOOOoooooo! I just edited Chinaren's entire story and the window closed on me before I could submit. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

I'm too annoyed to go back and do it again now. But rest assured, C-ren, you won't escape.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Powers That Be wrote:
NOOOoooooo! I just edited Chinaren's entire story and the window closed on me before I could submit. Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

I'm too annoyed to go back and do it again now. But rest assured, C-ren, you won't escape.


Wooo! It's the demonic power of the story, it is fighting back! Surprised Really though, that's a totally annoying thing to happen, I have had a similar thing happen to me a couple of times.

and...

Now I am biting my nails.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let's try this again...

Quote:
The heavy rock from upstairs only served to add to the atmosphere.

"heavy rock music", and either "only added to" or "only served to heighten" or something similar.
Quote:
Well, he would have his revenge. He would soon be the one wrapping his tongue around the delightful tonsils of Helen, rubbing his body against her delightful shape, feeling under her…

"Tonsils of Helen"? Try "Helen's delightful tonsils". And either change one of the 'delightfuls' or add one as the last word before the ellipsis.
Quote:
“Concentrate!” hissed the sub-necromancer. Of course his real name was Arthur, but for a ritual of summoning real names could hardly be used, oh no, so tonight he was the Sub-Necromancer and Billy was Arch-Summoner.

Consistent capitalization, please. And "Of course his real name was..." is awkward, especially since you use 'real name' later in the sentence. Maybe something like, "Yes, it was just Arthur in a ridiculous cape,..."
Quote:
“We need a hat.”

"We need hats."
Quote:
‘…ye spelle will breakest and…’

'Your' or, less likely, 'thy', not 'ye'. See here, under Usage, for guidance.
Quote:
waving a couple of bowls about.

C'mon, give us a description of the bowls.
Quote:
He would teach those bullies from college to gate-crash his dinner party, [semicolon or period, not comma] he would have Helen…

Quote:
"Get yer own bitch, this one is mine [insert comma] ” he growled back.

Quote:
Brad’s chair wobbled and fell sidewise, causing him to slide onto the ground.

I'm not fond of 'causing him to', make it a bit more active: "dumping him unceremoniously to", "depositing him on", something like that.
Quote:
His birthday hat, perched precariously as it was, slipped to one side.

Ooh, foreshadowing, nice.
Quote:
The others around the table laughter cruelly at Slime’s mis-fortune.

'Laughed', and no hyphen in misfortune.
Quote:
“What was that?” came a voice in the gloom, sounded like Reg.

A little casual - appropriate if the narrator was using Brad's voice in general, but he isn't, so it's not really consistent. Maybe just change 'sounded' to 'sounding'.
Quote:
spilling blood red light into the room.

Hyphenate 'blood-red'.
Quote:
A figure, silhouetted against the red glow [insert comma] stepped forth.

Quote:
Brad felt alcohol induced rage fill him.

Hyphenate 'alcohol-induced'.
Quote:
“You tired of living [insert comma] runt?” said one of them.

Quote:
They stepped forward towards the boy, whereby Billy’s hand shot forward into the nearest one, Stone.

Lose "towards the boy," perhaps replace with 'menacingly' - we know which way they're headed, and you're immediately following up 'the boy' with 'Billy'. And 'whereupon', not 'whereby'.
Quote:
There was a dull squelch. Stone stopped and looked down. There was a silence broken only by Stone’s rasping breath.

"There was..." "There was..." Needs work. "Brad heard a dull squelching sound..." "Billy's hand penetrated Stone's belly with a dull squelch..." Something.
Quote:
There was a cracking sound

See?
Quote:
Brad pushed Helen forward and ran up the stairs, frantically fleeing thought the unfamiliar house until he found a closet, in which he hid, heart pounding loudly in his body.

"...fleeing through..."
Also, this sentence is kind of long and awkward. Break into a couple sentences. "...until he found a closet. He dove inside and cowered under a pile of old coats, his heart pounding..." for example.
Quote:
There was a noise.

There you go again. Wink
Quote:
An arm, weedy as it was,

Huh?
Quote:
Billy pulled him up to his pale face.

Replace 'him' with 'Brad'. Better yet, add some interest: 'pulled a pale and quivering Brad," or something.
Quote:
“Nnooooo!!” Brad flailed around, knocking off the bowl that Billy was wearing on his head in the process.

Ok, this is a big moment. Don't throw it away; give it some weight, some suspense. "Brad frantically tried to escape from Billy's iron grip. His flailing arm clipped the bowl on Billy's head, knocking it askew. The makeshift hat hung for a moment, then slid inexorably..."
Quote:
horror as the form of Billy shook and then seemed to fall in on itself.

"...the form of Billy?" How about "Billy?" Or "Billy's body?"
Quote:
Bone cracked, tendons snapped and blood trickled down skin drawn taught [taut] . Slowly [insert comma] Billy collapsed until he was little more than a smear on the carpet.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy moley! Ripped apart! Very Happy Well, let's see...

PtB wrote:

Quote:
The heavy rock from upstairs only served to add to the atmosphere.

"heavy rock music", and either "only added to" or "only served to heighten" or something similar.

Mmm, I think the 'music' is implied here.

Quote:

Quote:
“Concentrate!” hissed the sub-necromancer.

Consistent capitalization, please. "

Dang! I thought I had caught all of those! Wink

PtB wrote:

Quote:
‘…ye spelle will breakest and…’

'Your' or, less likely, 'thy', not 'ye'. See here, under Usage, for guidance.

Ah! This one was on purpose, it as supposed to show that the book was some cheap tat. I was going to do more with it later, but then I changed my mind. I have changed it now.

PtB wrote:

Quote:
waving a couple of bowls about.

C'mon, give us a description of the bowls.

Ah, yes. I didn't put it in here 'cos it mentions them (or one of them) later. Still, added a little bit more description.

Quote:

Quote:
The others around the table laughter .

'Laughed',

I saw that before and could swear I fixed it!

Quote:

Quote:
They stepped forward towards the boy, whereby Billy’s hand shot forward into the nearest one, Stone.

Lose "towards the boy," perhaps replace with 'menacingly' - we know which way they're headed, and you're immediately following up 'the boy' with 'Billy'. And 'whereupon', not 'whereby'.

Ah, I knew that looked funny.

Quote:

Quote:
There was a dull squelch. Stone stopped and looked down. There was a silence broken only by Stone’s rasping breath.

"There was..." "There was..." Needs work. "Brad heard a dull squelching sound..." "Billy's hand penetrated Stone's belly with a dull squelch..." Something.


Yeah, know what you mean. I changed it, but I am still not overlly happy with it.


Phew, thanks Powers! If I someone doesn't catch me I will never learn. :biggrin:
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok - my alterations have finished.

Thanks again Powers - wonderful stuff. And even the word count is ok! Simplifying the big narration about the gas and emergency system knocked several hundred words off, giving me something to play with for the other changes. Very Happy

Happy Writing Smile
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Mmm, I think the 'music' is implied here.


It is, but only in retrospect. As the first sentence, it takes a while to get there. It doesn't help that the adjective 'heavy' could be used for either meaning. Make it 'loud' or 'throbbing' and it's less of an issue.

Chinaren wrote:
If I someone doesn't catch me I will never learn. :biggrin:


Laughing

Smee wrote:
Thanks again Powers


You're welcome. I'm thinking now, though, that I should've shipped the edits off to a different thread, so people can more easily find the stories. Probably should go in the Technicalities thread in IFTI (or a new one) with a link placed here.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It is, but only in retrospect. As the first sentence, it takes a while to get there. It doesn't help that the adjective 'heavy' could be used for either meaning. Make it 'loud' or 'throbbing' and it's less of an issue.


Mm, 'throbbing' is a good word. Cool
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I'm thinking now, though, that I should've shipped the edits off to a different thread, so people can more easily find the stories


From what I can see you waited for the flow of stories to dry before the first list of technicalities so they are found easily enough.

Maybe we could make it more formal, and have a closing date a little earlier, and then allow a week for technicalities. We can keep everything together then. Smile
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tika beamed around the room, her face falling as she saw one of her guests looking disgustedly at the very large, very green bowler she had been given, regarding the long artichoke stuck in the bright orange band with particular contempt. That little ingrate! She would bet anything it was that uppity hypocrite Selina.

Lo and behold. Guess who. After a long conversation about taste in hats, Selina stormed off angrily. "She has no idea how difficult it is planning a party for-"Her train of thought was interrupted when her daughter tried to lick a light bulb.

"No sweetie, don't give the guests ideas. Go do that in your room."

"Yeh mom"

Later that evening, Tika served dinner. One table had milk, pork, beef, water, cheese, and fish. Another guest had white wine and celery. The last guest had nothing, he wasn't hungry , thank you. Tika couldn't eat. She kept watching the clock. She had to do it before time ran out. She left the dining room to get some "Liquid Courage" If you know what I mean. If you are incredibally slow and you don't I mean she left and drank 4 shots, a tornado, ad half a bottle of vodka, plus the wine she had with dinner.

All went according to plan, that is, until Selina pushed one button too many. She wouldn't stop licking the lightbulbs!(Her daughter had snuck back downstairs, claiming her light had burnt out) She slapped her across the face and, thinking it was done and over with, walked away thinking"If only she knew how hard it is hosting a party fo-" Interrupted, once again. Selina, an alcoholic in addition to full time jerk, jumped her, Tika throwing her off into a nearby window. Selina came back through the front door, smiled, smoothed her dress and hair, and, square in the nose, punched Tika as hard as she could.

Yelling various obscenities, Tika pushed her off and threw her hat out the window, soon to be followed by Selina.

"Sorry" they both said lamely, this followed with a hug.

You have no idea.


You have no idea how hard it is to host a party.


You have no idea how hard it is to host a party for your parents and their cat.


-------

I've had this written for a while, just couldn't remember to post it. Oh well! Just so you know, if my story seems similar to other's stories, I didn't steal their ideas!

I haven't read anyone's stories in here, because I don't want to accidentally steal ideas, although I wouldn't do it on purpose (spelling?). But accidents do happen when writing, you know!\

Excuse my typographical (spelling?) errors, I was enjoying a huge Macadamia Nut cookie I made. It was still warm and gooey (ooohhh yummy!*droolz*) I miss my cookie....

Oh well. Good luck to everyone here. I probably won't win, but I think this is good writing experience, and I will learn from my mistakes and from others's.

So how is everyone doing? Well I hope you are well. Tell your Mothers I say hello!

Smooches,
Neato Bandito

(do you like my nice little name for myself?)


Last edited by chiacutie on Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, eight entries. Is that a record?

I read your story several times, chiacutie, planning to do an editing pass, but I'm afraid I'm defeated. I simply can't make head or tail of it - my only advice is that you spend a lot more than the 300 words you've used to make your story a bit less...incoherent. If I'm just missing the point, hopefully someone else will jump in with something more useful.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There is no point, that's why!

It was just me being stupid!

And who cares if I only used 300 words (is that all)?

I mean, it was just boredum, gosh!

p.s. no comments on my siggy Im working on it!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

chiacutie wrote:
I think this is good writing experience, and I will learn from my mistakes and from others's.

chiacutie wrote:
There is no point, that's why!
It was just me being stupid!
I mean, it was just boredum, gosh!

*wanders off, scratching head*
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Powers That Be wrote:
General comments: what's the rush? This clocks in at 800 or so words and strikes me as a sketch. I would have liked to see more to the story (what's the purpose of the program, for instance).

Don't diss compact. Cool

The Powers That Be wrote:
Quote:
And [lose the and] Key’s king chess piece was the latest fashion. No, it wasn’t moulded to his head at all, don’t worry. [and lose this whole sentence]

That was, sort of, sarcasm in the narrative or something.


Other than that, some good suggestions. I'll edit it when* I have time.


*If
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay, powers, you dont get it do you?

Okay, my story was supposed to be stupid, I wrote it because I was bored-however I cna learn from this because people will make comments and also I can read other people's storys. Do you understand now?

Btw, Im mad at you! You didn't respond to my dear dotty letter *lowers head in shame*

(just kidding, although you actually didnd't reply to mine, I know oyu have alot of writers, so Im not really mad.)
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, the polls up for 5 days! So get voting you lot! Very Happy

Sorry to Nalloon and Nate, but your stories had too many errors, and if afraid you've been disqualified for not attempting to correct them.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The exquisite taste of Curried Catholic won me over. I'm going for Powers' blasphemous dinner party Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hiya everybody!It's chia's little sister!

Everybody vote for her story! (Not that Ive read it yet) But I will...Eventually...

She told me not to vote but I will anyways!

And She said she named the main charactor after me!! Yay!!(I don't know why that makes me so happy!)

Sniffles,
Tika
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey P.I.N.B.

Now, I don't want to sound rude, but I'd like to clarify something.

P.I.N.B: when you say

Quote:
Everybody vote for her story! (Not that Ive read it yet)


I wan't to make sure that, before voting, you read all the stories, not just your sisters. If you did, then that's fine, but if not, it undermines the whole point of the competition, and I think you'd agree that was something that should be avoided. What's the point in entering the competition if it isn't worth anything, to know your writing was appreciated by others, and not just a 'lets win the vote' competition?

If you have, then slap my wrist and call me Sandy, but, as the dude running the comp, I just wanted to make this clear. Thankees! :biggrin:
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Though I too loved Power's crazy tale, I have to say that Shady's tentacle sex *ahem* won me over. I mean, come on.... you see what I mean don't you?! DON'T YOU? Shocked

*runs off screaming madly* :biggrin:
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ooh - Someone voted for mine Very Happy

My vote went to Powers - a fascinatingly original story.


Good luck everyone Smile
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Darnit - missed the vote. Sad

oh well, if you're looking for a tiebreaker for the result - I would have voted for Powers's story if I'd got here in time.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK the Poll seems to have closed earlier that it was supposed to...

Anyone who is still to vote, but can't - please post your vote here and it will be counted.

Poll closes tomorrow.

Cheers Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed Shady's story, but I see that a vote for her won't help settle matters. Therefore, I will cast my vote (it's still the 25th here) for....me!

*imagines wearing the Belt and drools*
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, just to complicate things, if Powers can do it, so can I! Wink (Vote for me that is).

Looks like I came back just in time! Good job you posted this Powers, it was right at the top of the recently posted list. Otherwise I may not have seen it until too late. Shocked
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Twas a calculated risk, China: Stubby put me one up, but there was always the chance you'd tie it up before I went to bed - this way, we cancel each other out.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

With stubby's vote on the previous page I'm currently looking at a one vote lead for Powers.

Final call for votes.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smee wrote:
With stubby's vote on the previous page I'm currently looking at a one vote lead for Powers.

Final call for votes.


*Shakes fist* Wink
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You don't have to count my sister's vote, she is too obnoxious!

*Puts bandaid on Soily's wrist*

Tika, go back to neopets and stop trying to tell your friends to go vote for me!!!!I'm going to tell mom!

So there.

Anyways, Chin, I tried to read your story, I did, but mom caught me reading that with Tika and we got in trouble. Thumbs Up but I like it already cuz my mom hated it so it must be good! She blocked that page, by the way!

Oh well

Smooches,
Neato Bandito
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Anyways, Chin, I tried to read your story, I did, but mom caught me reading that with Tika and we got in trouble. but I like it already cuz my mom hated it so it must be good! She blocked that page, by the way!


Kool! I wuz blocked! Must be doing something right. Wink
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(almost) Thanks, Powers Very Happy

And since it's the 26th now, congratulations on winning the Linear belt for the month.

(Soily - start running....) Wink
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congrats Powers!

Let's see you come up with another good comp for next month. This one certainly was the best I have seen in some time here. Well done for that Soily!
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Who should win June's linear competition?
Phang and her "Still has a few bugs..." I like bugs!
11%
 11%  [ 1 ]
Shady and her "A Family Occasion" They're just are so awkward!
11%
 11%  [ 1 ]
Powers is going straight to hell with his blasphemous tale of Curried Catholics!
22%
 22%  [ 2 ]
Chinaren contains ADULT LANGUAGE! Be careful when voting Chinaren, you may be offended.
22%
 22%  [ 2 ]
Smee's been INVITED ROUND TO TEA. Do they know what they've let themselves in for?
11%
 11%  [ 1 ]
Chiacutie likes cats and people called Tika! Don't ask me...
22%
 22%  [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 9
Who Voted: CunningFox, Key, Phang, Shady Stoat, Smee, Solomon Birch

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