Search      Members      Groups      Profile      Favorites      RSS      Register      Log in
Tempting Fate
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
 
(currently a favorite of 0 users)
   Storygames Home -> Stasis Hall - Completed or archived Storygames -> The Archives
View previous topic :: View next topic  

Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:01 am    Post subject: Tempting Fate Reply with quote

This is the prologue to my first storygame. Happy reading and suggesting!


Tempting Fate: Prologue


"Thirteen!" announced the croupier, almost drowned out by the excited squeals of a tipsy young lady, who had just won back a large part of the money the house had taken from her since she entered.

She spun to the young man she had been clinging to in anticipation, and started a rapid-fire technical analysis of what had just happened:
"Oh my god, Jack! That was so amazing! How did you know it would be thirteen? You are so lucky! Oh my god! I can't believe we won! We won, Jack!"
"Jake," corrected the young man, wondering if his London accent was really that hard to understand. "Listen Roxy, will you hold on to my winnings? I'll get us some more drinks to celebrate."

With his most winning smile, Jake made his way towards the bar. Jake got the bartender's attention and was just about to order when he recognised the man sitting at the bar not a foot to the right of where he was standing. Jakes mouth worked, but no wisdom spilled forth. Finally he sat down hard on the stool next to the man. The bartender, seeing that Jake was indisposed, raised an eyebrow and moved away with a narrow glance at the two patrons.

The subject of Jake's dismayed attention was a rotund man, with a greying walrus moustache and deep-set grey eyes that overrode the visual impact of all his other features.

"H-how'd you find me?" Jake asked, unsteadily.
The man shook his head and sipped his drink before responding, with a thick Yorkshire accent.
"You know how it is, Summers. I happened to be in the country, a chance detour took me to this city, I was passing the casino by chance, and I came in on a whim. Thought I might as well lose a few dollars, maybe have a stiff drink. I guess you had the same idea... What a coincidence."
The last comment was heavy with irony.

Jake straightened his shoulders and took a deep, but shaky, breath. He could have ignored or palmed off most people without so much as an uneasy twinge, but the face of Henry Willace was not something to be ignored.
"So you came for me then?" It was a silly question, which Jake had asked a little bit too loudly.

Neither man noticed the bartender, who had been speaking on the phone, "casually" catch the eye of a member of casino security who had "casually" walked over to start ejecting anyone making trouble. A vaguely familiar man on the other side of Willace started looking around nervously.

Willace looked down at the bar and shook his head sadly.
"I tried to tell you how it worked, son, but you wouldn't see reason. None of us would need to touch a hair on your head, even if we meant you harm. Nor will we try to protect you. It wouldn't make any difference."
He drained his drink and put some money on the bar.
"I think I'll go back to my hotel. Choose your game carefully boy. At best you will break even. Fate hates a compulsive winner."

As Willace stood up and turned to go, a shot rang out, and he felt a brush on his sleeve. The source of the bullet that had just passed through where he had been sitting a moment before was obvious. Willace belatedly realised that he had recognised the person next to him not from a bad movie as he had suspected earlier, but from one of those America's Most Wanted shows playing in his hotel room.

The man had obviously lost his nerve with security standing behind him, and gone for his gun. The gun had then gone off while the man from security wrestled with him. Willace realised all this in a split second of detachment, as he saw Jake Summers, with a hole in the dead centre of his forehead, slump lifelessly to the ground. America's Most Wanted Man managed to elbow the security guard in the throat, and was levelling his gun for his 13th "alleged" kill, with his back toward Willace, when the stocky Englishman started moving.

With speed and power that defied the evidence of his waistline, Willace stepped forwards and grabbed the man from behind by his shoulder and wrist. He twisted hard, and yanked the man backwards and down, before casually driving his knee upwards through the falling man's straightening arm with a sickening crunch. The gun discharged one final time, and there was a cry of pain and redoubled screams from the casino goers.

By the time the entire security of the casino had gathered around, to explain to the excited crowd that 1 dead and 3 injured within the space of 5 seconds was in the category of "nothing to see", Willace was back at the bar, draining another drink.

---

The police car that dropped Willace off at his shabby little hotel must have been delighted. It wasn't going to have to spend the night without other emergency vehicles for company, since there was plenty of shiny red engines with stylish flashing lights to keep it entertained. Willace, in contrast, was not so happy that his hotel was on fire.

There was a crowd of people standing just outside the building, and fire-fighters bustling around. There were several worried faces, including one stout young lady who was going anxiously from person to person, probably asking after a loved-one staying at the hotel.

Willace looked solemnly at the key in his hand. It was labelled "Room 14". There was no room 13 in this hotel (due to some silly superstition, he suspected), and he had a feeling he knew exactly where the fire had started, and exactly whose posessions had been most completely destroyed.

Willace thanked the cops for the ride, and noticed that they were looking at him as though he was only being released because of a series of phone calls from obscurely important people with British accents. You'd have to look for years to find a coincidence like that.

Willace walked towards the grafitti-ridden multi-story parking lot across the street from the hotel. He wondered idly if his hire-car had been stolen, crashed into, had the tires slashed or merely been keyed tonight.

When he finally ascended several flights of stairs, climbing over at least 1 homeless man in the process, he found his car with no unsightly marks on it. He suspiciously got into the car and turned the ignition key. He tried vainly to start the car for a while, before finally getting out. He booted the car solidly in one of the tires, and rolled his eyes when the car alarm went off. He walked over to one of the support pillars, and leant upright against it, with his head resting on his arms.

Willace thought back over the night's events. He thought about Jake Summers, and where he had met the man, before Jake had even joined the Agency.

---

Ok my soon-to-be loyal readers, its up to you to suggest the situation where Summers and Willace met a few years ago. In keeping with the theme of the story, I want it to be an interesting coincidence. Coincidence is easy, its the interesting part that will make it fun for you.

_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate


Last edited by DukeReg on Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:07 pm; edited 6 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 339
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Duke! Ya got a SGame AND and av! Intriguing start as well. Like it.

I have no immediate suggestions, but then I have been drinking cheap beer, so I am not in the most coherent state.

Anyhoo, I will be watching this one closely.
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author Message
Shady Stoat
Elder



Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Topics: 76
Posts: 2950
Location: England

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 6:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice start DukeReg. Rather intriguing Shocked

Now, given the overall theme of luck here, I think they should last have met in a road traffic accident. They were the only two left uninjured in a multi-car pileup. I would say that counts as severely coincidental.

I'll await the next installment with interest... Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Author Message
LordoftheNight
Revered IFian



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Topics: 41
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And the avatar is a cool one as well. Maybe another casino, or some cheap dingy bar?
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox


A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I decided I would finally get my act together, pretty up my boring image and start putting back into the community, ... reading more peoples storygames, starting my own, etc. Probably should have waited until after exams, but I only get the motivation to start something on rare occasions.
Anyway, I have a lot of cool scenes planned out and cant wait to work them in.

Good suggestions so far, I'll wait a lot longer to give people a chance to notice the thread.

lordofthenight wrote:
Maybe another casino, or some cheap dingy bar?

The law of averages would be working with them on that one I think! Wink
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DarkeFlyte
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crashes, awesome! Cool
Back to top
Author Message
The Powers That Be
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 May 2005
Topics: 16
Posts: 545
Location: Santa Monica, CA

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Separate traffic accidents. Willace's car hit, and killed, the bookie who was out looking for Summers, and vice versa (you can substitute freely for 'bookie'). Willace and Summers suffered identical (minor) injuries and met each other in the hospital room they ended up sharing.

Coincidental (and lucky) enough?
_________________
Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All of the suggestions have been good so far, and I'm going to have much fun writing it no matter which one wins.

I've asked lordofthenight to put the poll up. The options will be:
- Only ones uninjured when involved in a massive traffic accident.
- Unlikely things happen when they meet in a casino or dingy bar.
- Kill each other's rivals in unrelated accidents and meet in hospital.

Choose wisely...
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
LordoftheNight
Revered IFian



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Topics: 41
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Voted for the traffic accident.
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox


A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Author Message
Ravagerrr
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In thanks for your involvement in Pillbox, I thought I'd poke my nose in here for a read. I found the story amusing, but terribly confusing when bullets began flying... I wasn't sure who was killing who etc... was this just supposed to be a random killing that just happened to target Jake in the process of this strange meeting of old rivals? I wasn't sure what to make of the situation. But, otherwise, I think this was a good start...
Back to top
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The more the merrier!

Just to clarify: Jake was never targeted by anyone.
Willace had no interest in fighting with or killing him, although Jake seemed to think that he might.
The wanted man got spooked by the guy from casino security, who had come over because the bartender had reported 2 suspicious British guys, who sounded like they could start killing each other at any moment. The wanted man thought security would recognise him up this close and panicked. He was holding the gun, and the casino security man was trying to take it from him. It went off, and hit Jake between the eyes.

I can see how that scene could be confusing. I was trying to shatter peoples expectations of cause and effect and what a reasonable coincidence is, because the story is based on abnormal luck and... well... tempting fate.

Keep reading, I hope to have much more confusing and unlikely action in the next chapter!

It looks like poll option 3 will win. I'll ask lordofthenight to take it down tomorrow, in case any stragglers want to vote.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Geek_girl72
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 Jul 2005
Topics: 31
Posts: 810
Location: Earth, The Universe

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, neat story. It's coherently confusing, I like it!
_________________
"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice

(\__/)
(='.'=)This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny
(")_(")into your signature to help him gain world domination.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Ravagerrr
Guest








Items

PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the explanation. I don't think its necessary to eliminate details to create an element of surprise. From my understanding of your work here, surprise is what you're going for as opposed to confusion. Its hard to be surprised when you are completely confused because you lack the details to know what's going on.

Now, that said, there is good confusion and bad confusion.

Good confusion is like having a jig-saw puzzle layed out before you. You can clearly see each piece, but putting them together is the tough part.

Bad confusion is like trying to put a jig-saw puzzle together without being able to see the pieces. You give up trying to solve the puzzle because you can't make heads nor tails of it.

Maybe that makes sense... maybe it doesn't... are you confused yet? lol...
Back to top
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No No Shame on you! Only I may create confusion in my thread! j/k

Seriously Rav, I don't try to make it confusing. However I would rather make people think and risk them getting confused, than have the story made boring because the plot is stated in short, simple sentences.

If something is truly confusing, I am more than happy to explain it to anyone who asks. I try to iron this kind of thing out before posting but don't always succeed. Such is life.

Peace. Smile
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, poll is closed and I have written most of the next chapter. It should be up within a day or so.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Kill each other's rivals in unrelated accidents and meet in hospital" won the first poll.


Tempting Fate: Chapter 1

It was a cold winter, which was not as unlikely as it sounds, and the ice on the roads made driving even more dangerous than usual. This observation seemed well worth wasting a thought on, in one of Willace's very familiar moments of detachment, which he liked to call "inanity checks".

Willace's mind came back to the present as he gave a final heave to pull the woman fully out of the ice-cold water. He collapsed on the river bank then and tried to catch his breath. His breath was exhausted too, so he caught it pretty quickly. He turned and knelt by the woman, prepared to give first-aid if necessary, but it was too late. The woman had probably been dead before he had managed to drag her out of her mangled car.

Willace sighed and sat back on his heels. If only he or the woman hadn't been going so fast, there would have been no crash. He knew he had wanted to leave the area because it contained people with guns who didn't much like him, but the woman surely had no such excuse. Why had she been driving like such a maniac, over a death-trap like the old Elm Street Bridge?

He noticed something hanging half out of one of the woman's coat pockets. It looked like an envelope. Willace struggled with himself. After a moment, curiosity got the better of it's-none-of-my-business and get-inside-somewhere-and-warm-up. As Willace pulled the envelope out, a heavy object slid out of the coat pocket onto the ground.

Willace's curiosity now got the opportunity for a 3rd round, this time against an upcoming champion, avoid-hanging-around-people-who-died-carrying-a-gun-for-no-apparent-reason. Curiosity won in a controversial call and he opened the envelope. It contained a series of torn and crumpled photographs featuring a passionate embrace between a handsome young man and a ravishing young woman. There was also a waterlogged, handwritten note, with barely legible writing, saying "Pay-back at the pub on Elm St, 3pm Tueday. H.".

Willace had found over the years that the most dramatic and cliche situations were the one's that the average idiot invested the most effort into achieving. He had a feeling he knew where this woman was going, and why she had the gun. He really didn't care to find out if he was right.

Willace heaved himself to his feet. His aching muscles seemed to do little more than add mass to his already substantial bulk. Willace started feeling light headed. He looked down and noticed that he was bleeding. He felt himself starting to feel... what's the word... feel...

---

Willace didn't feel at all confused when he woke up in a hospital bed some time later. He was nothing if not calm and level-headed. He looked around, to see some nurses fussing over a handsome young man in the next bed. The man seemed drawn and distracted. He seemed somehow familiar.

"I know its a shock, Mr Summers, but just rest a while. The nice police lady will be in soon to ask you what happened."
She noticed Willace awake and walked over to check on him.
"You will be ok too, Mr Willace. Isn't it lucky you two were hurt less than a block from each other? The Ambulance only had to make one trip."

Willace winced involuntarily, and the nurse mistook his reaction to the word "lucky" for physical pain.
"Just lie still. The doctor will see you soon. Ah, the police were hoping they could have a word with you about some things they found-"
Willace smiled. "Thank you. I really appreciate it."
Her patient's sudden polite firmness, and confusion over what she was being thanked for, made the nurse accept the dismissal without hurt feelings or argument and walk away.

A few hours later, there was no noise but the sounds of a hospital at night time. Willace lay there, unable to sleep. This was mainly because Jake Summers, also unable to sleep, kept trying to keep him company. He needed someone to talk to, and Willace was the only candidate.

"So where are you from, Willace?"
Willace just groaned.
"Sorry?"
"Yorkshire."
"Any particular part?"
"Nope."
"Well, I'm from Islington."
"I don't care."
"There's no reason to be rude."
"There's no reason to keep me awake."
"Aren't you even the least bit worried that we nearly died today?"
"Summers, 'nearly' is just a fancy word for 'didn't'. You have bigger things to worry about than what's already happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean everyone has problems with their life that need to be solved in the future, and if you spend all your time worrying about the past, the future will jog by and change its name to 'past' before you get a chance to deal with it in the present."
There was a silence for a while. Either Jake had to reboot from overheating, or he was thinking about what had been said.

Finally Jake started speaking again.
"It's really the future that worries me. The man... the man who I threw in front of that van today was trying to kill me, right? And I didn't want to hurt him, but he was angry about... well he was angry anyway, and I think they're going to throw the book at me. And its not just the one bloke, it was whoever was in that van. It wouldn't have swerved and crashed into that tree if it wasn't for me, and-"
"Elm tree, right?"
"What? Um... yeah it was actually."
"And the van was a black one with tinted windows."
"Yeah. I guess you would have heard about it. Hell, you would have heard when it caught fire and exploded! What are the chances of that happening in a modern vehicle?"
There was a silence that probably kept its job by staring down all the impending sounds in the area.

"Well, anyway, after all that, all I'm worried about is what my wife is going to think when she finds out... well... ok... I got friendly with the wife of my wife's best friend. I didn't mean for anything to happen with her. It was just a stupid fling that I regretted as soon as it happened, but-"
"Oh god. I know you now."
"What? Oh never mind. Look I'm sorry I kept you awake. I'll-"
"No I mean I know where I've seen you before. Just listen. I have something to tell you... and I warn you, this may hurt... a lot."

---

The next morning, they were both released from hospital. The police had talked to them both, and wanted to hear from Jake again soon. After making a phone call, Willace was told with some appraising looks that he wouldn't need to help with any Police enquiries.

Jake looked haunted, and his eyes were red from weeping. Willace felt a pang of sympathy.
"You really loved her dearly, didn't you Jake?"
Jake just looked at him, staring like a man with nothing left to live for.
"I used to be so lucky." he said, vacantly. "Everything I touched turned to gold. I once won roulette twice in a row, and then met my wife at the bar. Best day of my life. Now... I don't know what to do."
"Do you believe in fate, Jake?"
"What, you think this is some kind of pay back? Karma? Why would fate choose to kill her and leave me alive?"
"Maybe because you can't suffer if you are dead."
"What? I was being sarcastic. I-"
"I know, so was I."
"What are you getting at?"
"I think fate brought us together, Summers. Forget all that hippy karma crap. I'm talking about a real coincidence that can change your life for good. Last night and today, you told me enough for me to know something about you. I have it too. You may not realise it, but there is worse to come. Fate keeps a tab, Summers. Someone has to pay the bill. You have to learn to take control, or you're as good as dead."
"You want to teach me to control luck? And what the hell do you mean I'm as good as dead? Look, I've had enough of this crap."
Jake turned and started walking off.

Willace grabbed his arm. Jake had never been clamped to an earnest walrus before, but he thought this was what it would be like. He struggled vainly to shake off the vice-like grip. Willace eventually let go and spoke, in a blunt tone.
"I offered to help you take control of your life, not take control of fate. Noone can cheat fate. Look, just take my card. I am offering you a job; something that can give your life new meaning, let your luck mean something other than a good run at the casino. Come and see me when you are ready to talk."
Jake took the proffered card. He started walking again, turning only once to see Willace get sprayed by a passing car.

When he was in a taxi, on his way home, Jake looked at the card that he had been given. All it said was "Willace, Henry. ID 0013". Jake looked in his wallet. He noticed that he had just enough money for some very strong liquor. That couldn't be a coincidence. Jake tucked the card into his wallet and forgot about it until many months later. Right now he had a new mission for the taxi driver.

---

Jake's breath rasped in his throat and his lungs felt like they would tear apart at any moment. He suspected that his lungs' future would involve just that, if Jermija's thugs caught up with him. Luckily the men weren't quite brash enough to shoot him while running down a public street, even in an area like this at nighttime.

Jake ducked into an alley, and then found, like many pursued men before him, that some alleys are dead ends. He suspected that the Russian loan-shark didn't hire people too stupid to check a nearby alley when their quarry abruptly disappeared a moment before, which added insult to likely injury.

Jake looked around. There was at least 2 doors facing onto the alley. The building on one side was derelict, and had an unboarded broken window at ground level. There was a pile of rubbish nearby, and a 10ft gate topped with barbed wire that blocked the back way into a car wrecker's yard. There was a miserable looking drainpipe right next to the fence that might help him climb over, but the barbed wire and the barking of large-sounding dogs from that direction put Jake off.

Jake pulled out his wallet and wondered if he could convince them to give him another few days by paying them everything he had on him. Then he could leave town and change his name. They'd probably be on the lookout for that though. He still had 50 pounds of emergency money stashed away at home. He could use it over a few days to win back what he owed at a game somewhere. His luck had to come back soon! He couldn't keep losing like this.

Jake winced as his plans were foiled by finding nothing but a 5 pound note there. He pulled it out and gave it a pleading look. Maybe it would take pity on him, and grow in denomination, maybe even invite some of its friends to help him out. The money remained indifferent to his plight, and Jake threw his wallet to the ground in frustration. Something slid out of it.

Jake picked up the business card and looked at it in the faint glow from the flickering street light at the end of the alley. He might as well find out who this forgotten contact was before he died. As he read the name and number on the card, memory of the man he had met months ago came flooding back.

Willace would have made Jake nervous with his intensity and air of brooding certainty, had Jake not had other things on his mind at the time. Now all Jake could think about was what Willace had said, about his luck getting worse, about fate and how Willace could give his life meaning. On a sudden whim, Jake pocketed the card and decided that if he survived the night, he would find Willace somehow and find out more about his offer. His life couldn't get any worse.

The sounds of footsteps and harsh voices just outside the alley brought Jake's imminent demise in said alley back to his attention, and he tried to figure out what he should do to escape. He realised morosely that whatever he decided to try, the only thing that would allow him to pull it off would be sheer luck.

---

How should he try to escape, and what stroke of luck will allow him to pull it off?

_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate


Last edited by DukeReg on Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Shady Stoat
Elder



Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Topics: 76
Posts: 2950
Location: England

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good chapter. The hospital conversation was a tad confusing, especially the wife of the wife of the best friend. That one made my eyes spin a little, but I got there in the end.

I like the progression, though. You've got me curious about what this Willace will teach Jake, when they finally get together again.

Okay, how will he get out of this? I suggest he goes into the derelict and tries to keep out of sight. Of course, the thug will run after him, but... well... the floor is weak and it barely held for Jake as he ran across it. This well-muscled heavyweight won't stand a chance. The floor will give, he'll either plunge into the cellar or be trapped by a splintered floorboard.

Of course, his gun will go skittering out of his reach. Lucky, huh? Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Author Message
Smee
Revered IFian



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 4:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh - a promoted new storygame.

I'll be catching up very soon Duke Very Happy


Happy Writing Smile
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 5:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice idea Stoat.

You seem to have read the situation as being a single thug chasing Jake. There is actually more than one, so something that stops a single person may not stop them all. Your suggestion could easily work still, but I thought I'd clear up the misunderstanding early.

As for the dialogue, I was trying to show that Jake and Willace aren't on the same conversational frequency. The conversations were awkward and didn't flow very eloquently in the story world, and I was trying to reflect that.
I'll try to make it easier to read as I go on.


Here's a question of storygame etiquette: Is it rude to significantly change the chapter once people have read it?

Apart from unclear conversations, there's another problem:
I tried to be clever by having Willace see the hand of fate in the fact that the van crashed into an Elm tree, on Elm street. I realised just a moment ago that the street was probably called Elm because of all the Elms on it, so any fool would be able to assume that the tree involved in the accident was an Elm. So much for uncanny coincidence!

I could fix this brain-slip on my part by adding a small section or a few comments that there was only two Elm trees left on the entire street, or it was a poorly named street, or something like that.

I think this would improve the story slightly for future readers, but I have already posted the chapter and a few of you have read it already. Is this kind of afterwards tweaking frowned upon?
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Ravenwing
Honorable IFian



Joined: 18 May 2004
Topics: 17
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought that was actually quite funny. Don't bother changing that, DReg.


I was thinking that maybe there is a hole in the barb wire that can allow the dogs to come through. The thugs following Jake smell like burgers or something, tempting the dogs to chase after them.

_________________
Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)

Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)


Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author Message
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 339
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 7:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done Duke! I think this must be the first promoted story!

How about the intervention of a third party? Maybe the nurse? We haven't had many other characters in yet.

I think the chapter is great except:

Some spaces needed between some paragraphs still.

and...

There are a couple of random lines of humor here and there, and I don't think they fit well in the story.

Other than that... This is on my READ list!
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

chinaren wrote:

I think the chapter is great except:

Some spaces needed between some paragraphs still.

and...

There are a couple of random lines of humor here and there, and I don't think they fit well in the story.


I'm always open to advice. Can you specify which paragraphs and which jokes you don't like? I read through it and don't know what parts you are talking about.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 339
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn you for making me think when I am drunk..


Quote:
His breath was exhausted too, so he caught it pretty quickly.


I thought was humor, though I could be wrong of course!

Quote:
"I know its a shock, Mr Summers, but just rest a while. The nice police lady will be in soon to ask you what happened."
She noticed Willace awake and walked over to check on him.
"You will be ok too, Mr Willace. Isn't it lucky you two were hurt less than a block from each other? The Ambulance only had to make one trip."
Willace winced involuntarily, and the nurse mistook his reaction to the word "lucky" for physical pain.
"Just lie still. The doctor will see you soon. Ah, the police were hoping they could have a word with you about some things they found-"
Willace smiled. "Thank you. I really appreciate it."
Her patient's sudden polite firmness, and confusion over what she was being thanked for, made the nurse accept the dismissal without hurt feelings or argument and walk away.

A few hours later, there was no noise but the sounds of a hospital at night time. Willace lay there, unable to sleep. This was mainly because Jake Summers, also unable to sleep, kept trying to keep him company. He needed someone to talk to, and Willace was the only candidate.
"So where are you from, Willace?"
Willace just groaned.
"Sorry?"
"Yorkshire."
"Any particular part?"
"Nope."
"Well, I'm from Islington."
"I don't care."
"There's no reason to be rude."
"There's no reason to keep me awake."
"Aren't you even the least bit worried that we nearly died today?"
"Summers, 'nearly' is just a fancy word for 'didn't'. You have bigger things to worry about than what's already happened."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean everyone has problems with their life that need to be solved in the future, and if you spend all your time worrying about the past, the future will jog by and change its name to 'past' before you get a chance to deal with it in the present."
There was a silence for a while. Either Jake had to reboot from overheating, or he was thinking about what had been said.

Finally Jake started speaking again.
"It's really the future that worries me. The man... the man who I threw in front of that van today was trying to kill me, right? And I didn't want to hurt him, but he was angry about... well he was angry anyway, and I think they're going to throw the book at me. And its not just the one bloke, it was whoever was in that van. It wouldn't have swerved and crashed into that tree if it wasn't for me, and-"
"Elm tree, right?"
"What? Um... yeah it was actually."
"And the van was a black one with tinted windows."
"Yeah. I guess you would have heard about it. Hell, you would have heard when it caught fire and exploded! What are the chances of that happening in a modern vehicle?"
There was a silence that probably kept its job by staring down all the impending sounds in the area.
"Well, anyway, after all that, all I'm worried about is what my wife is going to think when she finds out... well... ok... I got friendly with the wife of my wife's best friend. I didn't mean for anything to happen with her. It was just a stupid fling that I regretted as soon as it happened, but-"
"Oh god. I know you now."
"What? Oh never mind. Look I'm sorry I kept you awake. I'll-"
"No I mean I know where I've seen you before. Just listen. I have something to tell you... and I warn you, this may hurt... a lot."


...needs some spaces! Smile

Sorry, I will come back to this when I can see straight.
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author Message
Mother Goose
Respected Citizen



Joined: 09 May 2004
Topics: 2
Posts: 511
Location: Connecticut

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I laughed at the line about his breath being exhausted too, so he caught it quickly.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah that was a deliberate joke. Most of the jokes are deliberate; its supposed to be an amusing story.

I have trouble with putting blank lines in the middle of dialogue. It seems to imply a pause in conversation that isn't there. There are places where I can space it out though. I'll do that now; tell me what you think.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 339
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DukeReg wrote:
Yeah that was a deliberate joke. Most of the jokes are deliberate; its supposed to be an amusing story.

.


Mmm, intersting! I think it works better as 'suspence/thriller' actually. Just my opinion of course! Maybe I had better read it again.

>>Goes off to do that.<<
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author Message
The Powers That Be
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 May 2005
Topics: 16
Posts: 545
Location: Santa Monica, CA

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought the jokes were funny, but I agree with Chinaren that the story lacks a consistent tone.

Apart from that, I was confused by this chapter on first reading. I'll try again later.
_________________
Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Author Message
Ravenwing
Honorable IFian



Joined: 18 May 2004
Topics: 17
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well if its meant to be a suspense, I wouldn't expect the storyline to be easy to understand early one. I hope that all the questions I have will be answered in later chapters.
_________________
Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)

Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)


Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope so too. Smile

Unfortunately I have my fingers in way too many pies at the moment. The next chapter wont be up for about a week and a half while I try not to fail all of my 7th semester Uni exams. Keep the suggestions coming though, I'll still be active on the forum.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Smee
Revered IFian



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A most intriguing start Duke. Very different.

Usually I would say that Decision Points where we are choose the plot rather than the character's reaction to the plot aren't so good. But here I think it really works. Choosing how luck intervenes to save him... hmmmm...

How about one thug slips on some dog muck in the alley, his gun/weapon skitters to Jake, whilst another thug trips over the first one and falls down a open manhole that Jake has somehow avoided. Jake, now with a gun, fires without thought and luckily shoots the hand of a third thug making him drop his weapon. The bullet passes through the hand, ricocheting just enough on a bit of bone to hit the fourth thug in the head.

If there are more than 4 then he will need to consider the drainpipe to get over the fence - he can take his chances against the dogs with a gun in hand.

Good stuff Duke,

Happy Writing Very Happy
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Ravenwing
Honorable IFian



Joined: 18 May 2004
Topics: 17
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The number of thugs chasing after him is certainly a big factor in this DP I think. What I suggested probably considers 2 or 3 thugs.
_________________
Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)

Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)


Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author Message
LordoftheNight
Revered IFian



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Topics: 41
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose he could just hope he gets lucky, and the thugs run straight past the alleyway.

It often happens in films at least.
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox


A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Author Message
Ravenwing
Honorable IFian



Joined: 18 May 2004
Topics: 17
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And that is definitely plain luck. LOL. Matches the plot very well.
_________________
Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)

Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)


Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like all these ideas.
The thing that attracted me to the luck theme in the first place was that anything can happen, it just usually doesn't. Once you start playing the universe with weighted dice, anything, no matter how unlikely or absurd in a different setting, is fair game.

Smee wrote:
Usually I would say that Decision Points where we are choose the plot rather than the character's reaction to the plot aren't so good. But here I think it really works. Choosing how luck intervenes to save him... hmmmm...

Very Happy Well this story is in the right place then; it has Humour, Miscellaneous, and Experimental elements.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exams are over, and the poll is up.

Vote away!
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polling for 2 days and only 1 vote? Come on guys!
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
LordoftheNight
Revered IFian



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Topics: 41
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry Duke, voted now. Went for the gun-getting and fence-climbing, followed by the richochet.
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox


A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
Author Message
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 339
Posts: 8878
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, been away.

I voted for the third party. Maybe the nurse? Or how about a childhood friend who happens to be a powerful mob leader these days?

Mmm.
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Author Message
The Powers That Be
Respected Citizen



Joined: 19 May 2005
Topics: 16
Posts: 545
Location: Santa Monica, CA

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Went with the dogs.
_________________
Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Author Message
DukeReg
Citizen



Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Topics: 4
Posts: 287
Location: Australia

Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems

PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was going to take it down just now, but it's tied. I'll wait a bit longer in case someone else comes in and votes, before choosing where to put my tie-breaking author vote.
_________________
Duke Reg

Completed SGs:
Tempting Fate
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Reply to topic   printer-friendly view    Storygames Home -> The Archives All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next
Page 1 of 3
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group. Forum design by mtechnik, customized by City of IF
All site content © City of IF or the respective storygame authors.   Terms of use
Home   Book   Storygames   FAQ   Greek myth   About   Policies