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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's the map of Enlayia I've been promising. I hope it shows up.



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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know this map is really rough but it will be updated as soon as time and techonology allow. For now, I've included only major geogological features and the cities we've been to so far.

As you might have noticed I have made a new map. This map is smaller and has a lot less detail, but as it is just a reference map for this story, I guess it will do.

Signing off,

Dinranwen


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You may want to make it a little smaller Dinner, it's a bit big and the text seems to spill over the side for some reason on my PC! Anyway, good stuff, better than my attempts at art! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice chapter again Smile

I'd say that whether it works or not is irrelevant here. Lyra's beyond thinking it through. She'll just want the bandit to suffer.

And if she WERE to think it through, the only thing she'll have to lose is her son, and there's every chance that she'll lose him anyway if she stays here. Her captor has already proven he has no honour.

So, go for it, succeed or not Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again disappointment greets me with no votes yet, but yet there is one posted vote for Lyra to go ahead and poision Eros.

If there are no other comments or votes by the Wesnesday, I will go with the default vote of Shady's posted reply. In that case Chapter 5 will probably be posted before Friday of next week. In case your wondering, I'm trying to get in two chapters a month so y'all can catch up to Chapter 7 of the story I already written before hand. Even though some things have changed in the story (This chapter for example is completly new), this story is still following the storyline as I orginally planned it.

Also for those who enjoyed this story, I have realeased a teaser to a story similar to this one in the New Storygame section. The story, temporaily called The Wanderer, has a simalar style to TSL and takes place in the World of Mian, the world where the nation of Enlayia exist. In fact, The Wanderer takes place for a large part in Enlayia far in the future from when TSL is now taking place. If anyone is interested, please read it and let me know what you think. The link is in my siggy, and the first chapter will be released soon. (Sorry couldn't resist the temption for shamless advertising)

Your humble writer-friend,

Dinranwen
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 11:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, P.S. Chinaren, please don't call me Dinner. It makes me think of being served up on a plate to a whole bunch of very hungry furry orange creatures. *Shudders* I shudder to think that I might be...gulp...Dinner. If you must short my name please call me, Din, Ran, Wen, Dinny, Ranel, Ranwen, anything but Dinner.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, didn't see this poll go up. Voted.

I will call you by your proper name* then Didntrunwell. Wink


*It's just my spelling sucks.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha, Ha Chinaren, better call me Nevercouldrunwell, but look out because you might become Icouldn'tgetherbecauseshegotmefirst.

Thanks for your votes.
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

voted. Smile

good story by the way, din Wink
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The vote was unamanious on this one, as I figured it would be. I'm trying to create more interesting Dp's but my stories never seem to lend themselves to them. I must admit, I'm much better in a traditional RPG setting than a storygame, but I'm learning.

As promised, Chapter 5 will be released sometime friday or shortly after. Here's a teaser, unless I seriously change my mind and completly change the story line, the next chapter will take place in a country other than Enlayia.

After that Chapter 6 will pick up again with Saul in a chapter called The Price of Revenge. You can imagine where that will lead to.

Just thought I give y'all something to look forward to while you patiently and impatienly wait.

As Humble As Ever,

Dinranwen
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 7:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have just read through the story - and it was fantastic Cool . I can definately see that you go all out on the detail front Smile .

Going through the chapters I noticed a fair few typo's/mistakes, the only one I can remeber currently is one in Chapter 1.

Quote:
A month passed and still there was no sign of the couples return. Finally, as the month of May turned into June, Saul spotted a lone figure heading down the path towards Saul’s home. Thinking it was some beggar or thief, Simeon grabbed an axe to turn away the visitor. As the stranger drew closer, Simeon could see its matted hair, its torn clothes, and severe bruise on the creature’s body. Simeon’s hear turned in compassion and he dropped the axe, rushing forward to support the man as he stumbled. When the man lifted his eyes, Saul knew it was his brother.
- I think Saul/Simeon is mixed up a bit here...and hear should be heart.

One other minor thing - with a detailed story like this one, I for one, start to skim read/drift over less action packed parts of the plot - putting the chapters into a slightly larger font (I'd go with size 14) definately helps (I find) to cut down on skimming over words.

This was definately a fantastic read though, with a lot of insightful, powerful and thought provoking stuff - really good Very Happy .
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your comments, I will work on making the font bigger as soon as Chapter 5 is up. I will also being making corrections on All Chapter's here, so any more corrections that y'all find should be corrected. If not, p.m. me or post here.

Chapter 5 is going to be delayed due to some technical difficulties but it should definetly be up before Tuesday. Sorry for the wait. Please bear with me.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is my regretful duty to inform you that the next chapter will be delayed. Earlier when I declared that it was delayed due to technical difficulties, I realy meant that there were technical difficulties. I have temporaily misplace my usb flash car, where I keep all my stories saved, however I think I know where it is, so I should be able to find it and post the next chapter soon.

Sorry for the delay, but really it's not my fault. As soon as I find my flash card, I will be to post it since the new chapter is completly done it just needs to be posted.

Also on a lighter note, a new reversion of this story with picture and corrections, should be up by the end of the month.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Without futher ado, I present to Chapter 5



Chapter 5: What happened After

One face flashed before eyes as Lyra gracefully bent to pick up the glass bottle. The face that she feared to lose, but had already lost, her son’s face.

Her son’s life was at risk with every action she took, and this could perhaps be the biggest risk she ever took. It was true that so far, hers was the only male child of the harem, but that could change, and if it did, it could mean her son’s life. Besides, even if Eros did not kill her son, she would still lose him.

The consequence of her action flashed before eyes as she hesitated unsealing the bottle of sleep potion in her hands. First, she would probably lose all her rights in the harem, rights that had been dearly bought with long nights of dreadful sorrow, if not her life. Next, she would either see her son killed, or given to a tutor, or worse another woman. Then finally, she would have to pay, and pay dearly with any sort of torture or punishment, Eros’ mind could think up.

Yet, perhaps, just perhaps it could be done. The sleep potion was powerful, and with the time given to her, Lyra could gather her son and then, maybe with a slim hope, she could escape. Lyra was afraid that no matter the consequences this was a chance she had to take.

Unsealing the bottle resolutely, Lyra let ten drops of the sleeping potion fall into Eros’ chalice, and then one in her own. If Eros chose her glass instead of his, he would still sleep and perhaps he would think the sleep natural. As for her, if she drunk from that fated chalice, then she would gain some precious time to herself with a blissful slumber that she had been denied since her entry into the harem.
Stepping softly up to Eros couch, Lyra let Eros choose his glass without a word. Then as she held her breath, she watched as Eros first choose that drank from the chalice with ten drops of sleeping draught. Sipping cautiously at her own glass, Lyra watched for the effects to begin to take hold.

~~~

Pain.

A roaring fire of mind numbing pain filled Lyra’s head as she vainly tried to struggle against the chains that held her to her prison wall.

Everything had gone wrong from the minute Eros had sipped at his chalice to the moment were she had been drugged back forcefully to Eros’ home by two strong men none to gently.

Unknown to her, Eros had long ago built immunity to dryall, the herb used to make the sleeping draught. He had done so because Lyra was not the first one to try such a trick.

Upon drinking from his cup, Eros had instantly recognized the taste of the herb within the cup. Pretending to be asleep, Eros had listened while Lyra rushed about the room gathering her few possessions and then went to find her son.

Smiling, Eros crept out the door while Lyra was in the nursery trying to explain to the eunuch in charge why she needed her son. Then making a sign to his guard, he gave orders that Lyra was to be let go without hindrance but with difficulty. Then as she reached the city gates, just when Lyra had begun to hope. Eros had already sent two guards to the gate who immediately captured Lyra, and crushed all her hopes.

Lyra had immediately known that her fate would not be a pleasant one, therefore, she had fought tooth and nail to no avail. Lyra had been captured. Then she had been punished.

Tears filled Lyra’s eyes anew as she recalled her last terrifying hours.

First, she had watched as her son was given into the care of Hanoi, a Sel-nian harem servant to be his mother. Lyra would never see him again, and if he called her mother, his tongue would be the price.

Then, they had taken her voice. Pain once again filled her throat as she tried once again to cry with the tongue that was no longer there.

Finally, she had been cast in the Dungeons of Eros to spend thirty lonely days in the darkest keep without light, without company, and with only rats to be her solace. She would be fed only bread and water, and if, if mind you, she was lucky after the thirty days was up, she would return to Eros harem. If she was not so lucky, there were plenty men in Eros bandit troops that Eros could give her too. She shuddered to think what would happen with one of them.

Yet for now, she thought sarcastically as she vainly tried to look about her in the solid dark, I am alone, which is what I wished for.

Pain.

Fire.

Then Darkness took over, as Lyra finally fainted into darkness which light could in no wise enter.

~~~

It is with a sad heart that would must leave Lyra in such a state, yet leave we must, for time presses and other matters take place in the great theater of the world.

We go forward to the time after Saul had returned, and after Simeon had left. We go to Gilead, where things are not as they seem.

~~~



Gold grain glistened in the sunlight of a new day and the wheat’s heavy tops seemed to beg to be harvested by the strong young men who even now came lustily singing on the way to the fields. The land of Gilead was a land of fruitful plain, a place filled with rich soil, and glorious wide rivers. Given to honesty, hard labor, loyalty, and good down to earth, practicality the Gildean's were known everywhere for their predictability. Steady, hearty, and laughing, the men of Gilead were not given to quarrels but rather laughed at insults in their good-humored way.

[img=left]http://65.214.37.88/ts?t=9894930310976650322[img]

Yet, this did not mean Gildean’s were weak, or even blind to danger, the men of Gilead were quick to take up arms in defense of their fair country. The battles in Enlayia had proved that men of Gilead armed only with axe, staff, or bow, were fearless in battle, cleaver in stratagem, loyal comrades, honorable soldiers, and courageous holders of walls while others fled the battle. It was often said that although the men of Gilead were often the last to join a battle, they were also the last to leave.

It is with high recommendations and respect that the men of Gilead came back from Enlayia, brining back with them many merchants who wished to deal with the faithful men of such a fruitful, and beautiful, land.

Gilead’s was landlocked, and although deprived of the ever sighing, yet alluring sea, the Gildean’s did not feel the lack for they seldom left the land were their friendly families have lived, farmed, and died. From the northeast to south, the Adrian River flowed and its life giving waters served as the boundary between Enlayia and Gilead.


Not that there was not need of such a border for nature itself had erected a surer boundary than even a river could provide. For on Gildean side of the river there were plains filled with the work of agriculture, and on the other side without introduction or dispute the wood of Enlayia arose forming a wooden fence marking its land with a line that did not bend, curve, or even waver in its straightness. Gildean’s, lovers of the wide-open plain by nature and birth, did not enter enclosed places such as forest, caves, or boats, except when honor, duty, or war constrained them to. Thus, those tall stately trees, which made the forest wall, were a surer guard than any wall could ever be, at least to the Gildean’s.


Proceeding northeastward, following both the forest wall, and the Adrian River, one eventually came to what is often called the Gateway, also know as the Breaking. Here, and here only to the forest of Enlayia dared to cross the river to the Gildean side intermingling with the low berry, and myrtle bushes native to that country. There at the gate, the very land seemed foreboding, and the rocks, trees, and bushes that grew there seemed to be waiting, watching, for some unknown danger kept secret amidst their stalwart silent unspeaking shells.


The converging of two great mountain chains, the one being the Northern Mountain Chain, also called the Ice Mts., which our readers have heard of, formed the Gateway and the other being their less formidable cousins that formed a chain called the Eastern Wall for some unknown reason.




Those two great chains, formidable in themselves formed an almost united sheer cleft which at once remained one of a strong iron door, which either intended to keep something out or perhaps even to keep something in. However, the river Adrian, laughing triumphantly separated these two walls as it rushed with a loud roar from a great gap that extended from barely a crack at until widened by the unceasing patience of the river to about the width of 30 ft. wide. This breadth was not yet sufficient for the greatness of the river, so it still pounded like a ram against that wall, foaming out its wrath upon its breaking forth forming rapids not to calm until much further south in its course.

One would think that this breadth would not be sufficient to allow the entrance of a man, let alone an army, yet many a time the Dundee men have succeeded on launching a attack, albeit a small one, from this very spot. There was a passage unseen until very close to the spot on one side of the river, formed by very slick stones. Many a time the Dundee have slipped through this Gate, hoping to surprise their enemy, and each time they had almost succeeded. However, by the look of building of a fortress on the Gildean side, another such attack would not succeed.

To the North West, the Eastern Mountain Wall continued for some time making its slow way from its westerly line to a northern one. This mountain curve completed the northern border. To the west, a low stonewall occasional dotted by watchtowers and fortress was built on the extreme borders of the fruitful land. Some miles away the deadly and dangerous Sea of Change laid, and the Gilead’s borders could often see the smoke or storms that often plague that deadly desert that no one dared to cross.

To the south, the semi-desert like country of Indri kept a silent watch. The land of Indris, dry, unfruitful was nevertheless filled with grass land, cacti, wildlife, and a strange wandering people that built no towns. The Gildean’s did not cross into the land of Indri and as long as the natives of that land did the same for them, they were content. To the South and East, the river of Andoria branched off making to wide brooks called the White River, and the Grey brook respectively. At this branch, the forest line turned sharply to the east giving way to the rock hills of Northern Andoria, a country that took the name from the very river that marked its borders.

Andoria, Enlayia, and Gilead were on friendly terms and had often, in olden times formed what was known as the Triple Alliance.

Thus landlocked by friend and foe, mountain and desert, the land of Gilead remained in its peaceful isolation faithfully maintain many of the traditions of their forefathers who had first settled in the land.

It was in the harvest season now, and many a workers sang in the fields on each side of the road that was seldom used except on market days. The people of Gilead did not travel far from their farms, and did not travel at all, not even to their farmers markets, during the harvest. Every man, boy, maid, and mother lent their hands to the fields. Even the rulers of the land worked within the fields to help bring in the harvest of that bountiful land. Therefore, it was understandable when upon seeing a lone traveler, who was to all appearances not only a strong male but also a native, some of the people stopped and stared. Simeon chuckled at his countrymen as he passed their many staring faces and whispers, returning their stares with a wide wave and hearty smile.

It was nice to see his homeland again and soon probably in a few hours he would come to the local farmers market that saw he born and raised. Then not to far north of that town, he would be able to turn his weary feet into his father’s house. “Oh how I missed my smiling mother, who despite their years still retained that youthful beauty and happiness that she had possessed on her wedding day!” Simeon thought to himself as he walked easily with a wide stride. It was not without sorrow that he had come back to Gilead, but still it was good to be home.

Yet as he walked he noticed something, the young men and workers of the field were not singing as they worked. He also noticed that contrary to usual open smiling faces, his countrymen seemed uneasy, and there seemed to be unusual hurry in the work of bringing the harvest. It was then he noticed that the grain in the field looked dry, brown, and the dirt of the fields seemed parched. The road had seemed dusty since he had left the area near the river. Something was wrong but it appeared from the hurried pace of the workers, he would have to wait to find out.

Finally, Simeon stood on the paths that lead to home. In the distance, he could see the gathered bunch of servant, friends, and his family under the shade trees near the homestead gathered under the them for the noonday meal and rest from the hot work of harvest.

“My son!” cried his father reaching to embrace him around the neck. “It is so good to have you home. We need you here, now more than ever, there being…Oh never mind that, and it is just good to have you home.”

“Greetings, to every one, and the Lord be with you on this blessed day!” Simeon said as he reached out his arms in a gesture of welcome to family, friend, and servant alike.
“And May the Lord Bless Thee!” Came the echoing reply as everyone raised their voices in the traditional welcome among believers of Gilead.

Simeon smile and blinked back a tear as everyone once again settled in their seats leaving a generous space for him on the right hand of Joses, his father and the master of the land, an honor he did not expect. Taking the seat, he accepted the bowl of water and towel from his eldest sister. He soon had washed his hands and face, a much need relief after the dry, dusty road, and started to help himself to the midday meal that his married sisters set before him and the workers also. Upon inquiring for his mother, Simeon discovered that his father and mother had been blessed with children once again in there old age.

Joses reveled that Naomi, his wife, had born twins just eight months before and was busy taking care of them, and the other little ones while the others harvested. The meal went quickly, and the his sisters soon left to clean up the meal after giving him a shy smile in token of welcome. The workers also began to leave picking up the sheaves as they went out to renew the harvest in the fields. His father however stayed gazing keenly at him waiting until there were along under the trees.

“What brings you home so soon, Simeon, my son?” Joses asked once they were along.

“Grave news father,” Simeon paused looking ashamedly towards the ground. The ground was dry and dusty, and ran like sand through his hands as he idly played with it. Looking upwards, he noticed for the first time how dry and brittle the leaves of the trees looked. In fact, there seemed to be more leaves on the ground than on the trees, and the sunlight streamed harshly through what little leaves remained on the once full trees. “But no more grave then the news which you try to hide from me. Why do you not tell me that there is a draught?”

Joses sighed as he stood to survey the fields, “It is true that there is draught. We have not had any rain all summer. Three months and not a single drop has fallen despite our prayers for rain. But that is not the worse of the news.”

“What could be worse than a draught?” Simeon exclaimed looking shocked at his father.

“The worst is that the Sea of Change has shifted again. Not only has it changed but the Sea has crossed our western border.”

Simeon’s mouth fell open. That was indeed worse news. He well knew of the Desert land called the Sea of Change for its shifting winds, and dangerous sand dunes. Few men had ever tried to cross the desert, and fewer still ever returned. The Sea of Change earned its name well, its hot furious winds caused its landscape to change daily, hourly, or even a split second. Not only that but often the border of that strange land would change, sometimes shrinking, sometimes growing, leaving Gildeans confused of where there land ended, and the Sea of Change began. Yet the Sea of Change had another danger, the very land that made it up could change.

The Sea of Change had been known to change from a luscious vain forest to a dry desert and from solid ground to quick sand. The Sea of Change had been an actual sea at times, a dark whirlwind once or twice, made out of fire quiet often, and most frequently, the whole land would become one huge electrical storm made of wind, rain, fire, and sand.

It was most dangerous at the stormy times, and Gilead had tried to build its wall far away from what was known as the border to the Sea of Change but to no avail. The Sea of Change came anyway ignoring man’s futile attempts to convey it with a sad excuse for a wall. It crossed their border three times so far, each time bringing destruction and death. It appeared that had done so once again.

“What is its form this time?” Simeon said crossing his arms as he looked to the distant west as if he could see the far away danger. The first time it had crossed had been long ago but well remembered as the Sea of change had crossed the border as a giant whirlwind, a storm that did not cease for two months. The second time it had done nothing at all, it simply had spread it’s sand for miles in Gilead so that nothing could grow where it had been for years afterward. The third time, the Sea of Change had overflowed Gilead with a mighty stream of water forming a deadly torrential river all across the land before draining into the Andorian River. The last time had been Joses’ grandfather’s time, and although it had done little damage other than the loss of land; the Sea of Change’s crossings were still regarded with fear.

“We do not know. It crossed the wall at beginning of summer just after our last rainfall. It came as a dusty whirlwind and quickly settled its sand all around in the west to a breadth of three or four miles. It has not done anything since except sit there appearing for the entire world to be the desert it truly is. It appears to be waiting for something, though we do not for what or for whom. The governors blame it for the lack of rain, and I am half inclined to believe them. That is why where in a rush to bring in the harvest. We hope to bring in a decent store before anything strikes, if anything happens at all. At the very least we will be prepared for the food shortage if this draught continues.”

“I see,” Simeon, said nodding. Then quickly dropping his pack from his back, he picked up a scythe from the ground.

“What are you doing?” his father said placing a restraining hand on Simeon’s well muscled forearm. “You haven’t even told me what brought you here. Is Saul well? Is he happy? You must tell me.” The worry in his Joses’ eyes was evident, yet Simeon knew the answers to his question would have to wait. There was work to be done.

“I’m going to help in the fields, what else.” Simeon said raising an eyebrow at his father. “Look father, if what you say is true, you are going to need all the help you can get in the field. My news will have to wait, it is long story, and you cannot afford to worry over what is already said and done. Come, I’ll tell you later when we can be alone.”

Joses nodded and picked up his own scythe from its resting place beside him. “Your right, I suppose. Come, we will work. We will trade stories after dinner in the cool of the eve when man’s work is over.”

Therefore, they went out to the fields together walking beside each other, father, and son, going to work in the fields they had so dearly bought with sweat and blood of their forefathers. Storms hovered in the horizon and each man was occupied with his own worries with their minds, yet they were strong together even in that eerie calm that often comes before the storm.
Simeon never did have the chance to tell his father about Saul for unknown to them the Sea of Change was changing miles away finally showing its true face that bellied the peaceful calm it had showed in its crossing.

News spread quickly as man runs but for many the news would come to late.

The Sea of Change had grown windy overnight churning up gloomy looking clouds over its sandy expanse both in its native land and in the strip of land that it now occupied in Gilead.

The border people of Gilead had braced themselves for the coming storm as the wind began to whip across even their own, but little did they expect the form the storm would take. In the fields across the land, they felt the wind and looked fearfully towards the west as their golden grain bent flat to the ground from the winds.



As all the people of the western borders looked to west and the wind began to blow across the land Gilead, the storm broke bearing a token of yet another deadly change of the Sea. The storm bore all the marks of an electric storm with heavy thunder boom and brilliant lighting bolts, but everywhere the lightening struck fierce flames appeared burning even upon even the dry sand of the desert. The wind swept the flames until churning cylinders of flame joined the fierce storm until the fire, thunder, and wind seemed to be one. The warning trumpets blew but it was too late, the storm was coming and unless by some miracle the runners outran the storm, no one know of the storm’s approach until it was too late.

Some miles away in the middle of the country of Gilead, Simeon and his father were still working hard in the field. From above one could see the great see of men who swung their glittering sieves in time to old song of the faith concerning the harvest of men’s soul. As Simeon looked up towards the west with his head bowed in the ever-increasing wind, he saw with great alarm a vast cloud of smoke. The smoke was that of a fire and from the way, the cloud grew even as he watched the flames were coming fast. Giving a shouting warning to his father, he gestured to the cloud lifting up his voice in a cry that was soon taken up by all on the farm, “Fire!”

Then dropping his scythe, Simeon ran as fast as he could to the town rushing past everyone on the path with fear and dismay. Quickly grabbing a large rams horn used to gather the town inhabitants to a meeting, Simeon let the trumpet sound forth a great blast. Even as he sounded the trumpet, the people looked west and as one man, each began to run as fast as their legs carry them to their homes. Not only did the trumpet warn the people of the town, but as the farmers heard the noise, each took up his own horn, bell, or drum and thus by one trumpet sound the nation of Gilead was warned as each men in turn repeated the warning given by Simeon.

Simeon, somewhat weary from his run, and the blast thought in alarm of his family near the farm so near to the west and surrounded for miles by grain. Taking a deep, Simeon ran quickly home hoping beyond hope that there would be someway for his small family to survive the onslaught of the flames. Simeon need not have worried for upon his arrival, he saw his father and the workers quickly spreading their own small bush fires to the larger flame that was ever approaching nearer. Even now, Simeon could see licks of flames, small from the distance, but he knew that the fire would come quickly. The wind too had also picked up, lashing ever eastward, with a fierceness that only came with the severest storms. Thunderclaps sounded, and without so much of breaths pause, the clouds that Simeon had saw now covered the land. Simeon and his family were in the middle of the storm, helpless in their own strength, scared, and distress.

Still, Joses keep his head on straight, and soon had Simeon as well as every other man spreading the line of their bush fire in a large circle surrounding their household. This way, once the fire hit it would be forced to born around them, and perhaps they would survive. Simeon did not think the circle was large enough to comfort his own consciences, but they soon had to cease their efforts for the fire had reached them. As Simeon retreated to the house, he felt the heat of the flame yet yards away lick the back of their heals and knew even with their circle, his family was in danger yet.

The ladies had not been idle, however, while the men work but had dosed the buildings of their house and had prepared wet clothes to protect everyone’s faces. As the men reached the house, each man was pulled firmly aside by Naomi, the mistress of the house and Simeon’s mother, as she doused them and their clothing with water to each man dripped. As the sweet water flowed down his face, Simeon looked into his mother’s eyes as she handed yet another man a wet cloth for his mouth. Her eyes were worried, yet both she and his father bore the steady of look of assurance and trust.

For a minute Simeon wondered what could make his parents so peaceful when he remember with some shame the God he served, trusted, and believed. As the flames came near their safe circle around the house, everyone knelt together embracing each other in fear. The flames cracked, and the winds blew but just as the fire reached them, Joses raised his voice.

“Psalm 24, A Psalm of David. The earth [is] the LORD'S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.” Joses shouted raising his voice even above the flames that now cracked fiercely about them in a hungry semi-circle.

“For he hath founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the floods.” Naomi said in a shaking reply, which carried to the circle despite the woman’s soft voice. Instinctively every head began to bow, half in prayer and half in reverence for God’s word. Around them, the fire seemed to dim a little but still its roar filled there ears even as thunder and wind filled their very hearts. Ever hungry, the fire began to sweep around them not yet encompassing the whole of the circle leaving the back free of flames for the moment at least.

“Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? or who shall stand in his holy place?” Cried Joses his voice cracking as even he began to suffer from the fervent heat of the flames that were before him. As the heat of the air began to grow unbearable, the danger now seemed to be dying from the heat and smoke, not from burning to death.

This time everyone answered, even Simeon who was now praying to his Lord and God with all his soul within his heart. “He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.”

“He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.” This came from one of the servants, Nimrod, a man of God.

Joses smiled and replied with everyone else with the next line. Everyone’s voice now cracked and sounded hoarse but still everyone cried out seeking comfort in the verses they knew so well. “This [is] the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah.”

“Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.” Joses said in a somewhat quieter but still firm voice. The flames had now surrounded them, and man huddled together drawn to close in their mutual fear and faith. Mothers gathered their children closer as they vainly tried to like their parched lips dried from the heat. Sweat streamed into Simeon’s eyes, and his mind seemed to be fuzzy as for a few moments, he searched vainly in his mind for the next verse.

“Who [is] this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.” Came the weak reply as everyone struggled against heat and smoke, giving water to their loved ones while it lasted from the barrel near the door.

Even Joses was forced to bow his head in his weakness as he lifted his cracked voice to softly whisper his verse of the Psalm. “Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift [them] up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in.”

“Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, he [is] the King of glory. Selah.” Few made the reply to Joses’ verse but despite the heat, the smoke, the thunder, and the wind everyone was comforted by the words they had spoken.

The flame burned around them for hours, till finally the flame passed on leaving the tired, weary, and parched family to count their loses without it. That storm would sweep here and there across the land, leaving death and devastation in its wake for two days until finally by a miracle of God-given rain it ceased. That storm was later called Firestorm, and even Sel-nea and Indris felt its blow as recorded in its history. The storm died before it reached the Andorian River leaving the east side of Gilead, Enlayia, and Andoria almost completely untouched along with the southern parts of Indris.

Joses' smart tactics had saved his family and his house, but many fell sick from the intense heat they had suffered. Lily, the youngest daughter of Joses and Naomi, fell sick and later died leaving her young finance devastated at his loss.

Joses, the twins, and several servants also fell sick. Naomi carefully tended all she could but not even all her care could spare her husband who was taken home by the God he served. Yet the twins, who seemed to be the worst amongst all the sick, were miraculous cured leaving their mother rejoicing in their recovery for they were the last of her womb and mark of their father’s affection.

At the end of the sickness, five had died including Lily and Joses. Simeon knew that others had suffered worse but he could not be help but feel sorrowful over the loss of his father who had been a man everyone had respected if not loved.

Standing next to the grave of his father, Simeon look away to the distant speck on the horizon that was the Enlayian forest. His heart longed to go to his brother, yet he had his mother to consider and the servants. A frown crossed his face as Simeon, balanced upon the heels of his feet as he considered what he should do.

Saul was not well, no matter where he was, that much was clear. Simeon had a haunch that revenge lie in the matter somewhere, but these days he did not know his brother’s heart.

Nevertheless, with his father gone and his sister’s married to husbands that had there own land to consider, Simeon was now in charge. A responsibility he could not take lightly considering the young babes his father had left on the earth. His mother would not be able to make it with them, especially now that the farm was ruined.

Many farmers would leave the land to go elsewhere, Simeon knew. Nevertheless, would he join them? Simeon had never wished to be a farmer, but even he knew that restoring the land would mean long and hard work.

He could leave with his mother and what servants they could afford, and go to Enlayia and to his brother’s side where Simeon now longed to be. Yet to leave the land that was his by right, to abandon the land that his forefather’s had sweat, bleed, and died over; Simeon knew that his father would have never wanted that.

To stay would mean poverty for a while, but with a little hard work, the land could be renewed. Fire may bring destruction, but it also brought life. The ashes that now were his field would provide rich soil for any harvest Simeon wished to plant. On the other hand, though, it would mean that he would have to take the chance of getting a harvest before winter when the season was already over. There was a chance, but it was a small one.

Besides, if he took that road, what would happen to his brother? Simeon knew that no matter what, he could never rest until he heard new from his brother. He could send a messenger, it was true, but what chance did a messenger have where he himself could fail?

Looking across the ash filled land, Simeon stood tall as he quickly made his decision.


What does Simeon choose to do? Does he abandon his family in their time of need to go on a wild goose chase in search of Saul?

Does he take his chances and try to take his family to Enlayia? Something that would take time and money, neither of which he can afford.

Does he attempt to rebuild his farm? Something his father wished for, but Simeon detest.

Does he do something else? Does he send a messenger? It is your choice my friends. Choose wisely.


Last edited by dinranwen on Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:27 pm; edited 7 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arg! Huge chapter! Shocked No time now, so will come back to this one.
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2006 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right ok, another impressive chapter. I think he should stay at home now and rebuild the farm, he may not like it but it is the most sensible thing to do. He should also send out a messanger to see what else is happening in case he can be of some help - going out with no information would just waste valuable time and resources atm.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Gold grain glistened in the sunlight of a new day and the wheat’s heavy tops seemed to beg to be harvested by the strong young men, who even now came lustily singing on the way to the fields.

I do so like this line! Very Happy

However, lots of typos here Dr. Well. I assume you are running a spell-check, but these won't pick up some words. A couple: 'drought' (not draught) and clever (not cleaver). There are lots more, which kinda spoilt the chapter for me a bit. You need to check your work more once done. (I read mine through about 4 times in word, and then about twice once posted, and I still always miss stuff).

One of the picture links has an error too.

Anyway. I think he should stay for a while, to help get things up and running, and then set forth.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i voted for him to take the family to Enlayia. Who cares if his fathers name is dishonoured, his father is dead, and it is a death trap staying in that place.
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long, involved chapter. I liked it, and thought that there was a big improvement in the spelling. China's right, there are still a lot of words there that aren't spelled right, but fewer than in other chapters I think.

I'm going to vote with sending a messenger and helping out the family that he can, rather than chasing off after those that don't currently want his help. Keep the farm running, at least for a while.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the comments, even the negative ones.

As for the spelling, believe it or not, I ran it through two different computers and read through the chapter at least four times before posting and once before submiting. Spellcheck doesn't catch a lot of the words, and do to some other problems (The Grammer Curse) I usually don't catch words either unless I read the story aloud. Something that I do, but obviously not often enough. I guess you can say that there is much that an author doesn't see in their own stories, and spelling is one of my blind spots.

However please don't worry, I'm working on finding a really, really good editor to help me with the spelling on futher chapters. (They seem to be few in this area though).

To tell the truth, I've been working on a Non-Cityofif Revesion of this story, which has most of the chapters but with parts added and edited here and there. I'm going to be sending this reversion to a couple of friends back in college, who will be helping me with all the errors in the story. At least that's what hoping they will do.

I've kinda hurt myself in that respect, because before I made them promise to edit my story, I read the story (up to chapter 4) to them out loud, and got them totally addicted. You wouldn't believe the nagging I reveiced. Still, hopefully they will become my faithful editor group and help me get a better reversion for you all out.

**PS. I'll be gone for the next weekend, so please excuse me if you don't see me around till some time next week.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Worked on a cover page for TSL. Although I did it on paint, I don't think it turned out half bad. Hope y'all enjoy it.

Oh if anybody has some suggestions where I can some find free pictures (trees, forest, fall, landscapes, etc) for this story that actually work. I would appreciate it. There's been a problem with the sites that I've been using for my pictures so far. Mainly that they've gone off the web. Sorry for the inconveince.

Also, I'm thinking about adding sound to this story, but I don't want to download anything onto my computer. I think it would be cool to just have some general background music to help with the mood of the story as it comes along? Is there any way I can add music without doing so, like by using one of my CD's? Oh, if I can't does anybody know of a site where I can get some music links free without having to download? Thanks so very much.


Ever, Always, Simply

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

not sure about the music aspect, but you can generally find quite good pictures on the search engines Smile.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm enjoying this story, and I think you're making progress on the spelling front. Getting an outside editor is a good idea - you're right, an author often can't see his/her own mistakes. Plus, reading out loud won't catch words that sound alike, like to and too, or they're/their/there, or your/you're. I would help, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be too reliable, as I get busy with RL sometimes. But if your other editors don't pan out, give me a try and I'll see what I can do.

Keep writing, and have fun!
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The votes are in...new chapter should be out soon.

Cheerios and muffins,

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 6: The Price of Revenge

Smiling slightly, Simeon knew that was what he had to do now, simply trust the Lord, and leave everything in the Lord's wise hands.

Silently taking his hammer, anvil, and other tools of his trade, he threw them one by one into the very kiln that had before heated the work of his hands. Then taking the plow of a farmer, Simeon went out with the able-bodied workers and began, in faith, to rework the land in the hopes of a harvest even in the midst of autumn, even after the flames of not a month before, and even without a hope other than the promise given to him by the Lord.

Thus, Simeon would prove himself, a blacksmith among farmers, to be one of most faithful and diligent workers in the fields. Even as many other farmers left the area for other more fruitful lands, still Simeon stayed trusting the Lord to provide.

The Lord blessed his faith, for by the next year, Simeon had replanted a plenteous harvest in his father’s fields. Besides all this, the Lord granted Simeon a double portion by giving enough grain to last the year, but well into the next.


This is not to say that Simeon abounded his brother completely, quite the contrary. Simeon had sent two of his most trusted servants as messengers to Enlayia. Giving them a letter for Saul that explained everything that happened, he bid them good speed. If they could not find Saul, one was to return to Gilead with the tidings, and the other was to stay and make inquiries on where his brother had last been seen.


Simeon knew it was a fool’s errand to send messengers for Saul, but still crazy though Saul may be, he was still his brother.


~ ~ ~

Now dear reader that we have been informed of the singular state of Simeon, and found Lyra surprising alive but miserable, it is time perhaps to return to Saul who we find not to far away from the town of High Hills where he had set forth but three months before.

It was now fall, the anniversary of Saul’s marriages; according to our reckoning, it would have been two years since Saul had married Lyra and a year since he married the maiden for whom we have no name.

This would make it a year since the Firestorm in Gilead, and it would have been the seventh in which Saul had lived in Enlayia. Now that we comfortably resituated it the present time, we can follow Saul a little more closely as he once again enters the city of High Hills.

The maiden follows him as a pale shadow, wane from months of traveling, weary and footsore. Upon discovery him ask for a room at the Thrice Crowned Pine, the maiden wearily turned her feet to the path of the church. Simeon and Beth took one look at her, and with absolutely took her in.

The maiden was flushed with fever and weary, but time, love, and the gentle unquestioning care of Beth soon healed the weary traveler of her wounds.

As for Saul, his time in the city was not idle. Rather than wearily tossing himself on his bed, Saul took his parsley handful of coins and went into the city searching for a certain tavern that entertained certain fellows that followed a certain profession.

Hoping to use gold to cure for sealed lips, Saul hoped to be able to find out what bandit group controlled the falls, and who had been ‘on duty’ the day he and Lyra had been attacked.
Saul had realized the futility of searching for Lyra’s bones a few weeks before, and had now turned his attention on achieving his revenge against the thief who had killed his wife.

A fruitless search then followed as Saul went from one shady tavern to next until by chance, a weary Saul turned into the last tavern of his night search with only one gold sovereign to his name. The tavern was dark, crowded, and unlike the others, it was filled with an ever-present maliciousness silence that seemed to permeate the very rooms. The taverns name was The Cloak, and a certain man that if Saul wanted to find a man who could not be found, this was the place to look.

The Cloak had a reputation to house the vilest thieves, the most wanted villains, and the most experienced of assassins. It was not a safe place to be sure. After one look at Saul with his wild look in his eyes as he stroked his dagger eagerly was enough to persuade the men at the tavern that although the stranger was not one of their profession, Saul was not a man to fight with, at least not while he was awake.

This silent communication passed between Saul and the inhabitants in the bar for but a single moment, and after the silence passed business returned to normal. As whispers became louder, and card games renewed, Saul slipped silently unto a stool besides the bar sighing heavily as placed his hand upon his head.

Ordering a drink from the bar tender, Saul split his precious gold piece for several silver pieces. After a quick sniff at the drink to guarantee that it was safe, Saul grunted as he looked to the man cloaked man on the right side of him and lifted his mug to the strange man who did not know nor wished to know. “Here’s to your health, since I will not keep mine having forswore it to be lost in the pursuit of a bloody revenge. May a curse of thousand pestilences hang upon thieves who steal men’s wives and the ravage of a hundred Dundee fall upon the house who stole mine. May he never rest in peace but be disturbed continually by a hundred thousand crawling sores so he can not eat by day nor rest by night.” With that exclamation, Saul drowned his sorrows in his cup, ignoring the villainous stares that now were aimed at his back.

“Such a bitter curse, my friend, is perhaps not wise in the place where you are presently,” The cloaked man next to Saul said sagely as he waved the dagger-like stares of his companions off with a simple gesture behind Saul’s backs. The men of The Cloak grumbled but reluctantly agreed to the man’s silent suggestion.

“I care not if it is wise or not, neither if you are my friend or foe, I am here for but one purpose and that is to find what I deem necessary to complete the revenge upon the thief who stole my wife from my very arms not even after six months of marriage, and killed her not even considering the babe she carried within her belly that so clearly showed. I care not for neither life nor death, neither food nor drink, neither nor love, until such time I can pore my revenge on such a one that caused my troubles.”

“Who is this man, I wonder, that caused you so much pain? Do you know his name perhaps? For I recognize the voice of revenge, and I am in sympathy for your cause, for I too have a wish for revenge. A wish that I fear will never be fulfilled. But come now, tell me your cause, and perhaps I shall help you as a man that I share a common bond with, that bond being the vow of a dreadful, ravaging, and merciless revenge.” At this the hooded man’s voice harden causing all who heard to cringe except for Saul, as for Saul on his part he smiled a small wry smile of a man whose found a friend of the worst sort.

Saul and the hooded man had a common bond for now, and that bond was enough to make them the closest of friends and the best of companions.

“How shall I tell my soul’s desire to a man whom I have not seen, a man whose name I do not know?” Saul said wisely, as he leaned back against the counter hoping that the poor light within the tavern would by chance reveal the face of his companion.

“I have been called Capron, although it is not my real name, you may call me by it. As for my appearance, a better acquaintance will have to wait the revealing as such a secret as that. Be patient my friend, and tell me thy story I shall see what I shall do for you.”

“Why should you help me? You do not truly need me for you are men of means. That much I know if only from the place you prefer to reside. Therefore, it must be for some cause that you seek to help me other than you so boldly claim.” Saul said as his eyes narrowed with skepticism.

Revenge came at no small price, and considering the condition of his purse, Saul had no wish to be indebted to a man who he could not pay especially considering that Saul knew no reason to trust this cloaked man whom talked of such things his heart wished to see.

“As for my cause, I keep it as my own. Let us call it a common curtsey to which men pay to each other when they find others in a state similar to their own. As for my price to achieve your revenge, we will speak of it later. For information, as I am low on funds at the moment, I would gladly make your purse a little lighter. Say four silver coins?”


Saul paused from a moment taking a sip from his mug and looking cautiously across the distance that separated him and his hooded companion. With a soft nod, Saul indicated his agreement to his troth, saying, “It is a fair price indeed, I believe my dear friend that we have bound ourselves together with as bond as strong as revenge can make.”

A brief change of the said change happened, and Capron once again urged Saul to tell his tale so that he might be able to gain more insight on Saul’s case before giving any information.

“To proceed with my tale,” Saul said clearing his throat a little and lowered his voice to continue, “I do not know the name of the man who caused me such woe but I remember well his face. The man, being a dirty dishonest thief did not dare to attack me openly but knocked me cleanly on my skull. I was able, despite the blow, to catch a glimpse of my attacker before all went dark.

Mine attacker was of average height, but thin in a slightly wiry way. He must have been strong for the blows he struck were sure and did their work quickly. The man had dark hair lacquered back after the manner of noblemen, and his eyes were dark, sharp, piercing things that seemed to kill with a single gaze. The thief had markedly sharp turned nose curved as to look like a hook. His skin was pale, and his dress was rich enough to make him to be a lesser lord, or well-off merchant. The feature that struck me the most was the pale scar that ruined the beauty of his left cheek.

So far that I have learned that my man is a expert thief who takes pleasure in stealing other’s men’s women and servants, despises taking money from any, and steals rather for beauty than wealth. I have also learned that he is not to be found anywhere, nor will any one tell me of him. From their silence, I have learned that my thief is well hidden, well guarded, and reasonably rich.

I also I have learnt that he is marvelous protected from the police for although wanted, the police did not find him nor upon finding him would they arrest him. From that I have learned that not only is my thief well protected but also a man of influence and some power.”

“As for the circumstances which lead to my sorrow, it is a long tale laborious to be heard or told. In summary, let suffice to say that my wife and I were attacked at the fall often named the Stair about a year before this date. I have been informed by certain people of certain inns that the Stair has been declared neutral ground for all thieves and tourists. The only fall of seven to have such a protection against such harms.

From this, I learned that our attack was singular and contrary to all the codes of thieves at least in this town. Thus, I have learned that I am looking for a man who respects no man, but is a law unto himself. All that I coaxed agree with me, but refuse to give his name declaring death would be preferable than declaring it to a stranger. Thus is my tale and it for such-a-man with a notable scar, medium wealth, vast influence, disrespect, and such bravery as to be called stupidity.”

Upon looking at the hooded man, Saul discovered that the shadows of the man’s face had turned pale, if such as thing as a shadow growing pale was possible. A small gasp came from Capron as he slowly tried to regain control of his rage as one fist curled and uncurled of its own accord. “It cannot be true that the description of the men we seek could be so alike and not be the same. Come describe to me your wife and perhaps by that description I can know if indeed it were the same man. For the man I seek also has puckered scar upon his left cheek, disregards all curtsey, and has stolen more than one woman. Therefore, tell me I pray thee, of your wife for by some chance I may have seen her, I may verify that we indeed seek the same man and have the same cause.”

At this, Saul seemed joyful, grim, and blissful all at once. Joyful that he was so close to his goal, but his joy was a twisted joy thus making him grim at the prospect of revenge, and finally blissful to be able to lavish on his Lyra’s charms and beauties.

“How can I describe one who surpasses all loveliness?” Saul exclaimed his eyes wide in ecstasy and memory.

“Briefly and as candidly as your emotions allow, I’ll not listen to the chatter of a love-sick fool but rather listen to a man whose head is not swayed by such a drunken emotion.” Capron said skeptically making a wry face that Saul could not see. He too had known love, but that was another story. Capron’s feelings of love had ended in yet another reason to despise his hated enemy.

Saul pouted briefly looking much like disappointed two-year old boy, but then with a wry face composed himself to be as brief as possible with reluctance that Saul came to be known for. “In short, my wife whose name is Lyra was good five to six inches shorter than me, and was approximately six months pregnant at the time she was killed. Her bulging stomach was noticeable only from the side not to the front or from the back. If she lived, our child would have been a year and some months old by now. If, I say, for I saw the blood beside me and found her back in the river of the fall some miles away from the stair. I am convinced that she is dead and is not alive, so what purpose is there in telling you she died and did not live.”

“Continue on, man, for it may be that she lived and died not forasmuch as thou know. Has thy seen her body without its lifeblood? Have thou found the remnants of her bones? Therefore say on in hopes that you loved lived and did not die.”

“Very well then, although I believe you not, I will continue to fulfill the vow I have made unto you.” Saul said pouting a little before continuing. “As I said, Lyra was shorter than I by some height and considerably heavy with child. She was also young, about seventeen summers old when I married her. She was lively looking and fleet of foot before she became encumbered with the burden of a child. Her hair was of a lighter shade then found among your natives being a reddish-brown similar to mine but lighter of shade. Her eyes were the most beautiful aspect of her faith being a particular shade of yellowish-green that seemed to tease one’s soul with its inner light. She was a well-shaped thing even the heaviness of her pregnancy, and a certain gracefulness seemed to be upon every step she took. Lyra was most beautiful of daughter’s of Enlayia to mine eyes, but some would dispute me upon that.”

At this Capron could barely restrain himself but threw back his hood revealing his well squared features and bearded face. “Rejoice my brother for your wife lives!” Capron cried gesturing the host of the tavern to provide drinks for everyone to celebrate. Saul wild beyond imagining was astonished at the words of Capron, and did not rejoice as the older man drank to his health.

“What do you mean when you say my beloved lives? Did I not tell thee that she is dead, mine eyes having seen her blood?” Saul said dumbly looking at the now revealed Capron in amazement.

“It is true, companion mine, for I see her of my own eyes and she is indeed the fairest among the daughters of men. Her hair flowed down to her elegant waist, and her eyes seemed to speak more eloquently than any tongue ever loose. She is cunning at the harp, and a beauty in body but also in spirit. Therefore, rejoice, for know and understand that our bonds are drawn tighter than any brotherhood, for I tell thee not only that wife lives but also I know the man who has taken her to be his own particular pillow friend, and that man who took thy wife is also the man who has made a particular vow of revenge. Consequently not only do you and I have revenge in common, but we each hold to a common enemy for your man and my man is one and the same.”

Saul bewildered for a moment began to grasp one simple statement that Capron had made, and the first thing that left his lips was “She lives!” This was uttered in the whispering hope and promise of prayer and adoration. Then with this revelation, Saul’s mind began to herd itself with a thousand questions, but again doubt and mistrust for this man whispered in the back of Saul’s mind.


Capron leaned toward Saul eagerly seeing his fish eyeing the bait, “Since we have a common enemy, my friends, will you let me help you in your revenge? I would charge no price for revenge on our man would be profit enough. Come, what say you?”


**Decision Point time. This one is kind of open ended and a little obivous. Please free to ask questions, offer advice, comments, corrections, critizism, compliments, etc.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well indeed, find out more! Whence is Lyra? What is she doing and why hasn't she run away? What of the babe? Who is the man?

All these and more I wish to know...
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd say there's no point in seeking out information and then not acting on it when you find it. This man seems able and willing to give you the full story. Do whatever you have to to get it from him.

Good chapter, and I only noticed three spelling problems this time.

One:

Quote:
Saul took his parsley handful of coins


Unless his coins are made of some sort of herb, I think you're searching for either 'sparse' or 'paltry' here.

Quote:
until such time I can pore my revenge on such a one that caused my troubles.”


'Pour' not 'pore'

Quote:
Let us call it a common curtsey to which men pay to each other


Curtsey is a dipping of the knee in respect. Courtesy is politeness, decency. You used that a couple of times, it needs changing Smile

That's the lot. Keep it coming.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now I have a few seconds more...

Spelling is better, as already Stoated. Now I think you need to work on style a little.

Let's just take this sentence:

Quote:
A fruitless search then followed as Saul went from one shady tavern to next until by chance, a weary Saul turned into the last tavern of his night search with only one gold sovereign to his name. The tavern was dark, crowded, and unlike the others, it was filled with an ever-present maliciousness silence that seemed to permeate the very rooms. The taverns name was The Cloak, and a certain man that if Saul wanted to find a man who could not be found, this was the place to look.


Arg! It's a mess! First off, too many uses of the word 'tavern'! The last one should also read: the tavern's name.

There is a bit near the end (in green) that looks like there are some words missing.

It rambles on in a tangled and babbling way! Wink Slow it down a little, take a deep breath. What you are trying to convey here is sound, but it comes out all over itself.

Then there is the general 'logic'. ~Dons Star-trek hat~. First you say that he stumbled in by chance, then you seem to say he was directed here (the green sentence).

When writing try and keep the 'whole' story sequence of events in your head, even stuff you don't write.

For example, if your hero was going poo poo Wink you probablywon't write that bit. However, at the same time he is doing this someone is fighting downstairs, and someone is breaking into his room. Both events could be connected to the hero, but for narrations sake, they are only referred to later. Even so, you still need to know where your hero was at that time.

Confused Okay, that didn't work as well as I thought it would, but hopefully you get the idea.

Now, I have a few minutes so let's do a (very) quick rewrite:


Saul stumbled from one tavern to the next. One alleyway to another, seeking out the darker side of the city in a hope, a desperate hope, that someone would know something of his wife and her killer.

He spent his gold in an attempt to loosen tongues, but he had no luck. No luck that is until one rogue, more desperate than others perhaps, pointed out 'The Cloak'. A dark tavern of disrepute even amongst the scum that haunted the night.

Down to his last gold piece, Saul located the inn, and entered boldly. The rooms were dark, malice seemed to permeate the very air, and he felt eyes staring from every shadow...


Another quick one before I have to rush off. Several times you mention pouting. I get it, and it works 'cos I can picture it when I read it. The only problem I have with it, is that it isn't very... manly.

I dunno. Confused Wink
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Of course he should find out as much as he can. But what is he being asked for, what kind of commitment? Capron is offering his help, but there is mention of "bait" and distrust - what's the catch?

This is a good story, very imaginative, but a bit hard to read. I started to put in corrections but got tired; here is as far as I got:


dinranwen wrote:
Simeon had reaped a plenteous harvest in his father’s fields.


I think you don't plant a harvest.

dinranwen wrote:
the year, and well into the next.


This is not to say that Simeon abandoned his brother completely, quite the contrary.


not abounded

dinranwen wrote:
Giving them a letter for Saul that explained everything that happened, he bade them good speed.


Simeon knew it was a fool’s errand to send messengers for Saul, but still crazy though Saul may be, he was still his brother.
(one of these stills is not needed)
~ ~ ~

Now, dear reader, that we have been informed of the singular state of Simeon, and found Lyra surprisingly alive but miserable, it is time perhaps to return to Saul whom we find not too far away from the town of High Hills whence he had set forth but three months before.

Now that we have comfortably resituated it to the present time,

shadow, wan from months of traveling, weary and footsore.


"Whence" could also be "from where".
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 10:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay there are alot of mistakes here, which I will work on, and I'll do a little tinkering of my own too and see if I can improve the style a little.

In response to Mother Goose's comments: I work on all the corrections you mentioned. I guess I didn't spot them out because the mistakes I made were ones that spellcheck doesn't pick up.
As for the haverest thing, I was trying to do a 'look into future' bit for Simeon so that next time we caught up to him, we would be up to speed. I guess I didn't pull it off so well. I correct that part with common sense in mind.

In response to Chinaren's rewrite: Oh look I get a custom rewrite from Chinaren for free! I heard that it happened but I thought that they were kind of rare. Thanks Chinaren, now since you were so kind as to rewrite that part for me, I think I'll use your rewrite.
However, I will also work on rewriting the other parts that need correcting to. As for the pouting thing, I know it's not manly to pout, that's why I included it in Saul's personality in this chapter. Let's just say there isn't much of what you would call a Man left in Saul.

To Shady: Thanks for the corrections, I'll work on them as well as the others. I'm glad to know that at least that I seem to be getting better at this whole writing and correcting thing.

To everyone who has posted, Thanks for the comments! All these options will be added to the soon up coming poll.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polls Up! Vote, Vote, Vote.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2006 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I see no reason to distrust Capron as he seems to be genuine - or else he would have to be an incredibly accomplished actor. I say he should ask some more information then accept his offer of joining forces.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought he should accept, then find out more when they are travelling, may as well start moving - no point in wasting time. I voted for just accepting.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Saul seems to be someone who leaps to conclusions pretty easily - I don't think he'll stop to ask more questions before he agrees to Capron's help. I vote with solus. Get going; ask questions on the way.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2006 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tied vote so...I will post the two most poplar options plus another third option.

This will run for a few days, and the most popular one will be chosen.
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

New chapter will be released soon!
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2006 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did I miss the vote here? Apologies if so Dr.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 7: Crimson

Saul looked at Capron for but a moment; the desire for revenge was too much to refuse such an offer.

Sticking out his hand, Saul boldly declared, “I agree.” Capron smiled also and raised his glass to Saul in a salute.

Soon however the questions had came pouring out. “Who is he? Where can we find him? What shall we do for our revenge? Is she okay? The revenge most is cruel, horribly, horribly cruel you understand. How soon can we leave to seek him? How many guards does he have? My child, what of my child? Can we save her in our revenge? We shall burn him, yes burn slowly and torturously, burn even while he roast alive on the spit of his own hearth fire. How can we accomplish this? Shall we need help? Where is his stronghold? How strong is it? Shall we attack him openly, or secretly? Is she still living?” All this tumbled out of Saul’s mouth in a hushed hurry tone as Saul leaned forwarded to whisper in Capron’s ear to avoid being heard.

“Hush my friend; it is neither the time nor the place to discuss such things. Be content with such things, as I have told you for after years of waiting, it will not do to ruin plans of revenge in a sudden passion. We will discuss such things later. Come, depart from this place, and go to your hotel. I shall follow you discreetly as possible, and will discuss plans of revenge in the safety of your room.”

Saul quickly looked around him and as he left the bar silently, Saul sent a discreet nod in the direction of Capron. That night in the secret of Saul’s room, Capron joined Saul to form their plan of revenge against their enemy. Saul being of a fiery nature was all for a straightforward attack against the well guarded, and rich, Eros with the result ending in death.

Capron urged caution on his young fiery friend who he now called brother due their double tie of cruel purpose. Capron counseled a more subtle revenge on Eros, hoping to ruin his reputation by proving that the noblemen were involved in the worst sort of crime. In the end, all that was agreed upon was that they should set out to Liberia as soon as the dawn had risen. Their plans, it was agreed, would be decided then and be based on the condition in which they found their enemy.



Early the next day, Saul and Capron slipped out of the city while the forest still lay under the misty cloak of the twilight before dawn. The maiden did not follow Saul this time, for she was not at the gate. The maiden would not be able to follow Saul for a long time nor hear of her husband for two weeks time, as she at that time lay in a feverish fit in the church of Simeon and Betty. Our tale will leave her to rest in peace without the curiosities of historians disturbing her healing sleep.

Our journey is now with Saul, as short as may be, while the maiden lay recovering from her fever, Saul and his companion traveled quickly to the city of Liberia. It was a week’s journey from High Hills to Liberia but it made no difference, for Saul hastened on empowered the prospect of seeing his Lyra was speeded by love’s hope. Once at the city, Saul learned what Capron meant when he had said, revenge would have price.

Capron’s plan was to have Saul to report Eros to the authorities as a thief, and although Saul disagreed preferring above all force, Saul was soon held to his vow of payment that he had promised to Capron if the man was able to him what he needed. Reluctantly, Saul told his story to the chief of justice to Liberia but to no avail. The chief justice, an obscenely large man, was held in the pockets of Eros, and would not hear Saul’s case against the man who so largely paid the Justice’s own salary. Having failed in this, Capron had Saul repeat his story to every noble, every lawyer, and every man of law who would listen to so low a man. Yet, again, Capron’s plan failed for Eros’ reputation remained as flawlessly clean as ever, and rather they called Saul a liar, crazed, and a fool. Saul tired of Capron’s failing advice, took maters in his own hands.

Gathering all the men his failing pockets could afford, Saul led a small attack on the home of Eros in the middle of the night one cold autumn night. Saul, fiercely glaring at the five beggars that had been all his silver could by, stood staring at Eros house as he face glinted sharply in the torch light.


Grimly setting his face, Saul extinguished the torches that his men had lit and whispered his silent orders. The men would proceed to the stores of Eros, and wreck havoc there hopefully providing enough of distraction that Saul could slip into the harem of Eros to carry away his Lyra who he hoped to find there. Silently climbing up a tall nearby, Saul walked across a think branch that was a little above the lower part of Eros roof. Once there, Saul planned to lead his men down the trees that formed part of the wealthy nobleman’s roof.

The plan was a good one, for when Saul silently dropped unto the floor of the western wing, not a soul stirred. Meanwhile his hired men dropped silently and began to head to the storerooms of Eros. The men, not loyal to Saul in the least, had come more for the promise of being able to steal from the storerooms of Eros than to help Saul in any way.

Saul meanwhile silently snuck in shadow towards the room where Capron told him the harems were located. Hoping that the man had not lied, Saul silently reached to the door that surprisingly was not guarded. Upon looking inside, Saul understood why Eros left his precious harem so unguarded at the door. Inside the curious forms of women lay sleeping on pillows on couches carelessly displaced throughout the room but at the ankle of each woman, a chain connected them to a strong looking slave that had four other chains connecting him to the other women the he guarded. There were three slaves total each with five women attached to him by the strong looking chains.

Luckily for Saul, the slaves had broken into a bottle of wine after their master had gone to bed and now were all nosily snoring on the floor unconscious to either Saul or the open door. Thanking his luck for such a chance, Saul slipped to each slave and closely looked at them to see if they would awake in the midst of task. The stench of liquor on each man’s breath told Saul he had no need to fear these slaves.

Smiling Saul silently began to lift the veil of women to see if his precious Lyra was among them. After lifting all of their veils, Saul knew that Lyra was not among these women. Sighing Saul began to ponder where Lyra could be if she was not in the harem. As he thought, two thoughts crossed his mind that for one Capron had lied, and for the second that Lyra really was dead. Just as Saul began to despair, Saul realized that if not the harem, and if she was alive, Lyra would probably be in the bedchamber of Eros that night.

Quickly stifling the anger, which rose at this prospect, Saul stalked away from the harem his quick stride taking him out of the west wing to the center of the house where Capron told him Eros made his bedchamber. As he stalked past many doors and statues, Saul hurried his footsteps with the thought that his readily hired thieves would soon be caught but he was to late for even as Saul raced through the very hallway where Eros lodged a cry came that echoed through the house.

The thieves had been discovered, and even as Saul stood stock still with terror, he heard the echoing footsteps of guards hurrying down the hall as they yelled for their fellows. Then, then as if that was not enough, Eros’ door burst open revealing the tall prideful noble man in an open nightshirt and a hastily put on pair of trousers.

In Eros' hand, he held a curved scimitar, and behind him, a beautiful woman vainly tried to adjust a silky robe as she tired to carry a crying two-year-old child in the other. Saul stood stock still spellbound by shock, terror, and a vast engulfing sense of relief that filled his whole being leaving little room for any thought of action. One thought filled Saul’s mind as stared at the beautiful woman with lush chestnut hair and the marvelous light-green eyes one ever saw, “She’s alive, my Lyra is alive, and my child, surely she carries my child.”


As for Lyra, she did not see Saul as her sole attention was bent towards the crying child who she vainly tried to soothe with simple silent gestures and motions. As for Eros, he did not recognize the man that he had so brutally beaten but two years before, but simply took Saul for a staring servant who came to make his report.

“Come on man, stop looking like a drowned fish and tell me what this wretched noise is all about!” Eros shouted glaring down at Saul.

Saul stared back and with a coolness he did not know he possessed simply said, “It is thieves sir, their in your storerooms.”

“Is it only that? Go then to your master that Eros said not to bother the poor wrenches, let them take what they wish. They will be punished for their crimes later. Make sure to tell your master to bring an accurate report of their appearance or Eros will be displeased.”
Eros waited tapping his foot a little as he stood there waiting for Saul to depart in a flutter in the usual manner of his servants, but Saul did not move. “What are you waiting for you useless servant, be gone before I have a mind to take your head off a long with those thieves!”

Saul’s eyes took on an icy edge as his voice turned from a honey reply to a growl, “I am no servant of yours, Eros Thief, but a man who comes to seek his own.” Saul looked at Lyra possessively as the frighten girl’s eyes took the look of shocked recognition, as she silently mouthed his name. Looking at her Saul realized that she had not spoken once and that Eros, the horrible man that he was, must have taken the tongue that uttered many a song.

Eros eyes narrowed and looked at the man who challenged openly in his own home, “What is your name, impertinent fool? And how dare you challenge me so openly, do you not know that I can call a hundred guards on your head with but one shout?” Eros raised his eyebrows as if daring Saul to challenge him yet again.

Saul rose to meet the challenge of Eros’ eyes striding a few steps forward as he drew the axe that was ever by his side. Meanwhile, Lyra, his wise and beautiful Lyra had cautiously retreated to the harem clearly foreseeing a fight that one of the men would not survive.

At the sight of Lyra safely retreating, Saul took yet another step forward as he sent a sharp reply in response to Eros’s questions. “My name is Saul, and the maiden that warmed your bed this night is my wife, and her name is Lyra. I have come to claim her and my child. I do not fear your guards. Do you not hear them running from this place? Do you not hear the screams of terror and panic? I foresaw this parley and ordered my hired thieves to burn what they could not take. I especially ordered this send a torch into your wine cellar. Any moment now, half your house will erupt in flames, and your men knowing of your danger even now run to extinguish the flames to save your life, as little as that is worth. Surrender now, and I may allow to live, if not you shall die by either fire or the sword, I care not which.”

Eros laughed, as he raised his scimitar in open defiance to Saul’s challenge. “The woman is mine, and you lie. Nevertheless, I shall accept your invitation for me to kill you since you show such bravery.”

“I do not lie,” Saul said coolly as the slight smell of smoke began to fill the hall in which they stood. “But come now; let us see if your sword speaks better than your stuttering tongue.

The sounds of blades rang metallically throughout the air as the two men fought back and forth across the hall as wielded a sword and the other welded two-headed axe. In the kitchen of Eros, men struggled to extinguish the flames that threaten to reach the wine barrels that sat innocently in one corner of the cellar below the smoky kitchen. The servants fought a losing war for the flames crept closer and closer to the barrels that would provide the flames with a deadly fuel.

Meanwhile, Lyra had not been idle but upon arrived to see the eunuchs that guarded the harem stark drunk quickly released each woman in turn. The woman looked at each other in fear until Lyra quickly hushed the group with her hands. Then as each of their eyes settled on her, she set her child down to have both her hands free so she would be able to talk to them in the hand language that each of the maidens now knew so well since they had their voices silenced by the cruel Eros.

Lyra silently explained to them that there was a fire, a bad one in fact, and that Eros was being distracted by a man who dared to fight him and that challenger was her husband. Quickly she informed them that if they wished to escape as they had so often planed now was the time to do it. “Garb yourselves modestly, with hoods, cloaks, and clothes you have. Than quickly leave the city as fast your legs will carry you,” her hands told them.

Finally Lyra, while the others quickly dressed in a flurry, pulled aside of the woman who come from High Hills and thrust her child into the woman’s arms. “Take him,” Lyra’s hands said in a flutter, “I must stay with my husband. If we live, we will meet you there. Take this also. It is written in my husband’s language, which came from the farm land,” since there was no word for Gilead in their sign language, here Lyra had simply gestured the word for ‘farm land’ instead, “I do not know what it says, for I cannot read it. Take this also,” Lyra, gestured as she handed another smaller piece of paper filled with Enlayian script, “If we do not arrive in two weeks take the roll and the sheet to the nearest church. They will be able to deliver it and the child to my sister, to whom I leave everything if I should die.” With that Lyra fled before the woman could so much a blink her protest at being handed a child.

Flying down the hall, Lyra found both Saul and Eros bleeding, but Saul seemed the worse as he stumbled as if heart. Suddenly, Eros tired of playing with his opponent knocked Saul’s axe out of his hand, and stepped forward to deliver Saul’s near death. As Lyra’s mouth formed a cry she could not utter, she ran heedlessly in between Saul had the sword blow that would have been his doom. As Lyra, felt the sword her through her ever-expressive eyes beg Saul to understand, but as heart beat its last two times her world blackened and she died shedding her blood at her beloved’s feet. Pulling his sword from the now limp body, Eros cleaned his blade without so much a shrug. Eros showed no regret at the loss of one woman, and quickly his place again as step away from Saul to recover the balance he had lost in delivering the blow. Saul knelt next to Lyra, his eyes hardly believing what they saw, but with a howl, Saul rushed onto Eros without so much as bothering to retrieve his now fallen weapon. Eros was taken by surprise by the sudden attack, but soon Saul too knelt in death right next to his beloved Lyra.

Stooping to clean his blood blade on the coat of his now dead enemy, Eros whispered into the corpse’s ear. “Saul, impertinent fool, you may have your wife.” Yet even as he steeped away to escape his now burning household, Eros could not help but remark the identical looks of peace that was on both of the dead. Dear reader, may it be known that Saul finally received his wish, for his was once again with Lyra, but only gained his revenge by the price of death, his own death. Therefore, it is always with any man who seeks a bloody revenge with his own hands. Revenge has a price, that price is death, and in this story, the Revenger paid the price with his own blood.

Yet that old sinner, Eros, did not go without punishment. The police force, such as it was in the city of Liberia, had come in almost full force drawn to the attention and havoc that the fire had made on Eros’ house. The men who arrived were able to save Eros’ house, but upon exploring the devastation of the building, the men found paintings, sculptures, jewels, and all the other items that seemed to have disappeared through the years in the city of Liberia. In addition, the men had also found the bodies of Lyra and Saul. The women also that Lyra had freed had returned to their homes, and had all signed written declarations saying that Eros was the captor. No longer able to deny the sins, which Eros had committed, dispatched standing warrants for his arrest. The Hall, even Madam Eugene Hattie Silverrod, had disband Eros’ chair and declared him an outlaw of their country.

Many long months later, Eros finally captured. The trial was held quickly after the wanted criminal was found, but would it find Eros guilty? Eros was sure that no such thing would ever happen to him. Money in a juries pocket would always bring a ruling in your favor, and although Eros was a little short on funds at the moment the promise of money sometimes had the same effect as the real thing.

Therefore, the Jury had a decision to make at the end of the trial, the evidence found in what remained of Eros’ house pointed to the subject’s guilt, yet the azure promise of gold sang to their ears like a siren. If they ruled Eros innocent, surely the wealth of Eros would be theirs, after all they had their families to think of.


DP: What did the Jury Rule? Be creative in punishments if you rule Eros guilty, and if he is found innocent think of other ways Eros might be punished. This is a lesson in human justice, so treat as such.


Also does, Lyra’s child escape safely? If so, where does the woman go?
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A dramatic episode Dinner! WOooOOooOO! Surprised

You need to watch your repetitions still, there are a quite a few. A couple of looking likes and meanwhiles for example.

As for justice. Pah, justice is a sham. Of course he will bribe the jury and get off scott free. The kid will have been taken by one of the harem who was a friend of Lyra, so is safe at least.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suspect the jury would find him inncoent even without the bribes. he fought in defence of his life and home. Lyra purposefully imposed herself on the blade.
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Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
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A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
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