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PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I think he could be acquitted of the killings, but the stolen goods and the kidnappings and slavery charges could send him to prison for a long time.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 11:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polls up and all the options I was given was added. Except the next chapter sometime next week. Until later,

Smores,

Dinranwen
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 11:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tied vote, so....go ahead and break it.

And while your at it. *Sets out horribly ugly pot* **Break this too, it's good for the temper and it is guarenteed to amuse until the the new chapter comes out.

**Did I mention that it was a magically pot that automatically heals itself after it's been broken?
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do technicalities I rather not deal with, ** I broke the tie with the post included here. I hope you like the result. New chapter should *crosses fingers* be out soon.

Thanks everyone for their support. By the way, if you never like the dp's before hand or thought this story was getting boring, hang on to your seatbelt folks because this here sg is about to take a turn none of you expected.

My poll closed before I wanted it to, and I felt to lazy to post another.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
hang on to your seatbelt folks because this here sg is about to take a turn none of you expected.


~Grabs for seatbelt~
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 30, 2006 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 8: Death-in-Life

Eros looked over the jury scanning over each face with a kind of vile joy. No jury would declare him guilty not while his Aunt held the Second Chair in the Hall.

The proof to his theory was soon evidenced as the Jury as one stood and faced him. Pulling out a piece of paper the first jury member, read the following after receiving a nod from the judge to precede, “We find Eros Calmar innocent of all charges.”

Smiling Eros pushed his chair away from the table, he was free, or so he thought. In the back of the room a strange voice arose, “You declare the guilty, innocent? How dare you? This man is a thief. He took your daughters hostage, he spoiled their youth, their beauty, their innocence, and you will let him go? This man had servants from the illegal market. If this man is innocent than the vilest criminal is also.” The voice was that off Capron’s.

Eros turned scowling at Capron, “I am an innocent man, and the jury declares it so.”

Now it was Capron’s turn to smile, “Will you swear to that?”

“Yes, I will swear.”

Tossing the Enlayian bible, a vile book of fairytales at most, towards Eros Capron spoke once again. “Then so swear, and if you swear falsely that is between you and your god, between you and your conscience if you have any left.”

Picking up the book Eros raised his right hand on it, and opened his mouth to speak but then shout it just as quickly. Closely his eyes briefly, Eros waved his hand in front of them also as if he could not quite believe what he was seeing. “I thought they were dead, I thought they were all dead. I paid for them to be killed, why are they not dead?”

Yelling frantically, Eros turned to the Judge, “Tell me do you see them? Do you see? Tell them I am innocent. Innocent I say.”

“Leave me only, I’m innocent, leave me be,” Eros said as flayed about him as if to protect himself from an unseen attack, “No! No! Do not, please do not. Do not touch me; do not try to take me with you. I don’t deserve this, I’m innocent!”

Pushing himself against the Jury box Eros turned to face everyone in the court, “If it is the truth you want, then fine, I did it. I killed you, foul spirits. I stole from each and every one of you, but man has redeemed me you can’t touch me.”

Screaming one last time, Eros died in that courtroom a guilty man trying to convince himself he was innocent and had failed.

~ ~ ~

A splash of water echoed in a cold chamber causing a rat to scatter into a corner. On top of stone slab a still body was laid wrapped in the clothes it wore when died.

A small ray of light spread into the room carried by a monk in brown robes and a bald head. Walking with grim steps towards the body, the monk wore a small smile as his light spread across the still features of the late Eros.

The monk stood silently next the body as if waiting for something.

The corpse moaned and blinked opening his eyes and muttering he said, “Where am I?”

Gesturing with the candle the monk spread the light into the far corners of the room illumaniting corpses in various states of decomposition. “You’re in the cantocombs to be precise.”

“I am not dead am I?” Eros said almost whimpering.

The monk laughed, “Hardly. Or else you wouldn’t be talking to me now would you?”

“Then how did I get here!” Eros shouted seating up.

“Let’s just say it was more convient for the church for you to be dead, not to mention someone paid us to get rid of you, and very handsomely too.”

“Capron.”

“I don’t know his name, but from the way you said it, probably.” The monk said.

“How?”

“We slipped some drugs into your water. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make it look like you were dead?”

“Remind me to kill you when I get out of here,” Eros muttered.

The monk laughed loudly, “I don’t think your going anywhere, after all your dead remember. All I have to do is to stick a knife in your chest and no one would be the wiser.”

Eros glared at the monk knowing he spoke true. Even if he managed to overpower this monk, he was official declared dead and no one would help him even if they didn’t immediately scream ghost.

“What do you want?”




Last edited by dinranwen on Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2006 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Any comments, suggestions, corrections?

Any comments, suggestions, or ideas of why I'm not getting any comments, suggestions or ideas? I really am stuck at this point. This was my last prewritten chapter and like most of my stories I've gotten a major case of writers block. I think it's mostly because I was never practicalaurly good at planning illegal events.

Another part of the road block was trying to figure out how to make the transition between the story being about Lyra and Saul to being about the unnamed Maiden. I really should name her, I know, but I thought it might be better if I saved the secret of her name until the last chapter.

Can anyone help me out here?
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I'd say she should marry Saul's brother or submit to the church's rules if she's sensible.

Otherwise...start a publicity campaign. Get the facts out there - begin a revolt of the masses, she's a young attractive widow who has been persecuted through no fault of her own. Most of the peolple seem to God fearing, kind sensible people and even those that aren't will probably be willing to support her cause.

That's one suggestion anyway.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a bit confused. Why would the evil church rulers want her to stay in Enlayia, and why would Saul's brother agree to this? I thought he was saving the farm in another country.

I'm also not sure why Samuel is telling her she has a choice, if she can't make the meeting in time and they will go ahead and do whatever it is when she doesn't show up?

I think Samuel should suggest escape to Saul's brother's country, and help her do it. If she meets the brother and gets along with him, so much the better - he loved her sister and she loved his brother; maybe they can find happiness together. Maybe they can even rescue the baby somehow.

A few words confusing me: covenant - do you mean convent?
realized - released?
adulterous - adultress
requital - ????
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 11:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I may need to correct this story a little.

As for your questions Mother Goose until I can figure out a way to conviently slip in the explanation of the churches reasons for it's action and will just have to explain it here.

The Enlayian Church is very simlar to the Catholic Church during the inquistion. The more people that fear them, the better. Right now the Enlayian Goverment looks bad right now and realizing their advantage their reaching out to someone the general populace might view as the victim of the Goverment's curroptness. The Church is trying to make themselves look like the good guys despite the fact that the church is actually the ones truly respondable for the Maiden's problems and hundreds of other widows.

The Church is also a non-profit organization; all this means is that the Church takes what it wants and what it can't take it grows. Now a proper churchman can't be spotted in the fields all dirty since dirt is the sign of impurity, so they take in the poor. Most of the churches make the poor earn their stay, forgivness also can be purchased by hard labour, creating a mass of slaves that believe there is no way they can be forgiven by the Church unless they slave in the church fields for the rest of their lives.

Some churches even reduce their 'servants' to near death by working them in poor conditions from dawn to dusk for days without food or rest. Some are better than others, but you never know which kind of church you step into until it's too late.

What does the Church gain by handing the Maiden not only an impossible choice but make it impossible for her to get there?

Simple. They need someone to blame. Rumors are floating about in Enlayia. Rumors that suggestion that the church is as curropt as the goverment. The Enlayian Priesthood wishes to halt that rumor, but they also want the disfaction of the people towards the goverment to continue. The Church elders smell the possibilty of a revolt, their chance to grap the reigns of Enlayia, their not going to let that past them.

How does this envolve the Maiden? Quite simple. The Church has made it's move to help her, their now the good guys, yet when they say the goverment prevented the message from reaching the girl on time, people start angry but not at them, at the goverment.

Of course the Maiden will be given every chance from the church but time and time again, something might occur that will hinder still her still more and like the times before this the goverment will be blamed. The Church then plans on revealing several curropt officials adding fuel to the fire already burning.

Then once the Church has the people just where they want them, the church will reveal the sad and true tale of this poor decieved devil possesed girl, that she cast as spell on Saul causing him to marry her while he still knew that his wife was alive. Eros' mysterious death could also be blamed on her, naming the maiden a witch.

Once the church has the people convinenced the maiden is a witch, they will burn her at the stake leading to a nation wide revile and a nation wide witch hunt. The Church will be able to legally kill any person they want to get rid of. Convient isn't it.

Of course the church will be willing to not do all this if the Maiden pays enough, something which, trust me, there will never be enough gold in the world to avoid.

So the Maiden's in a quandrem. She nows the church is must likely trying to trick her, but she also knows that if she doesn't at least try she is condemned.

Does that help?

I tried figure a way out to include it, but I was never really good at conspiracies within stories.

As for the rest, I fix what I can find as usual. I seem to have problems not with mispelling words, but using correctly spelled words just not the right ones.

Thanks again guys.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have recently put in a request to move this story into the Linear Forum, so that I continue to improve and write it at leisure. I realize that it needs a lot of work, which is why I decided to ask for it to be moved. I would feel how lot comfortable adjusting my mistakes if I didn't have worry about going aganist my voters at the same time.

Sorry about the inconvience,

Dinranwen
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 6:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I think she should just up and leave. Escape to a better place if that is possible.

Quite a few errors in this one Dinny, not up to your usual grammatical standard! Crying or Very sad
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ditto, but not so blunt. She should try going along, but not mention she's fingering a poisen knife...

Good story, shadowlady!
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2006 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[Curtesies] Thank you, Masterweaver. I appreciate the comment.

Before I release a new chapter, I am going to do a major overhaul on this chapter, [you were right Chinaren, this last chapter is not up to my usual standards] and then I am going to post it again, for everyone's hungery eyes, and then I will format the poll with options already posted here.

Thanks for being patient everyone...I had to take a hiatus, but now I have abousetly genius idea [in my eyes] at least about what to do with this story.

Let's just say something major will change in this last chapter, so keep your eye out of the repost of it, and don't worry, I'll be a good girl and post to notify everyone when it's posted.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, different Dp than I planned but still it works.

Here's the Dp for the Release of Chapter 8:

What does the church want from Eros?

Feel free to be creative.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The monks believe (probably with reason) that Eros has a secret emergency stash of money and jewels that nobody else knows about - sort of like a pirate's buried treasure. That's why they cheated Capron, if it was he who paid them, and kept Eros alive long enough to get his secret. Of course, when they do get the treasure, they'll complete the bargain and kill him then.

Eros seems a more likely target for the church's evil designs than a nameless, friendless, penniless maiden.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Eros seems a more likely target for the church's evil designs than a nameless, friendless, penniless maiden.


*Smiles*My thoughts exactly Mother Goose. That was exactly the reason I changed the chapter. I thought it would be more believable this way.

I hope everyone enjoyed this version of this chapter than the other one I posted before, and I trust it was at least somewhat of an improvement.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poll is up. Vote, Vote, Vote!
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a tie! Poll will run for a few more days, and if still isn't broken, an executive decision will be made.

Thanks everyone for their patience and Votes!
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Them= church has enough honer not to employee to do crime.
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still a tie, so I am going to make an executive decesion and brake it myself. New chappie will be up in a few days.
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, I would like to apologize. After numerous attempts of writing chapter 9 I found I had a minor case of writer's block, but only for this story.

However, Chatper 9 is now coming along nicely and should be up before the end of next week.

Secondly, Thank you for being patient, and Thank you for reading this sg.
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 11:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 9: Thieves in Sackcloth

The Monk grinned from ear to ear as he heard three little words that brought him great pleasure, three little words that meant the surrender of a once great foe.

“Simple. We know that what we found in your ‘home’ was nowhere near to everything you’ve stolen throughout the years. Our guess that you have hidden it somewhere in Enlayia. It would be to both our advantages if you disclosed the place where it is. The church needs such a generous donation to continue in its mission to convert the ‘natives’ of foreign countries. I am sure such a man would be more than willing to support such a cause especially if such support can perhaps buy him a little spiritual creditability to cancel all the sins you’ve committed over the years.”

Eros grunted. “I am sure that’s not all.”

“No, we also would like to ‘purchase’ your services.”

“Really, whatever for.”

“As you know, certain ‘hall members’ have become rather bothersome about the Church’s ‘gentle guiding hand along the path righteousness’. Lately, since your ‘trial’ these members have become more than annoying. They seem to think that we had some association with you. We would like you to convince these members to a different point of view, if you take my meaning.”

“Crystal Clear Priest, Crystal.”

~ ~ ~

Meanwhile in the church above the catacombs, a few monks gathered to witness the ‘death’ of young widow.

Three monks with shaved heads who wore brown sackcloth sat on miniature thrones in the small chamber room where a small crowd was gathered to witness the event. The first priest, obviously higher ranking than the others by the large hat on his head, had a record book in his hand with a ready pen held in the other. The second, a fat blotchy figure, was looking rather bored as he twirled with a pair of scissors. The third, and lowest ranking, wore a smile that made one sick to look at. In his hands, a large needle filled with ink trembled almost eagerly as it tried to leap from its holder’s hand.

The young widow who was the center of everyone’s attention trembled in the course black shapeless dress she wore as a black veil fluttered near her face. Looking up, the young woman only hoped that the veil hid the fear in her eyes, and the red streaks of her face from a long month of tears.

The helpless girl had recently received news of three tragedies in the same day over a month before this trial. The death of her husband, the death of her sister, and the accusation of adultery all wore heavily on her shoulders. For this young widow was indeed the sister of Lyra and the wife of Saul.

“Lyra Saul Manasseh, you stand accused of Adultery, perjury, and marrying under false pretenses.” The monk with the giant hat intoned, “How do you plead?”

“Innocent, sir.”

“Very well.” The monk said opening the book. “It has been the charge of the monks you see to your right,” he said gesturing to the small crowd of men in sackcloth towards Lyra’s right, “to oversee your chase. If you have nothing to say in your defense, they will now declare their findings.”

“I have nothing to say, sir.” Lyra said nearly chocking on the words as she turned her eyes pleadingly toward the men who would her jury.

“That it is well. It suits a woman to be silent in the company of men not her father, brother, or her husband.” Turning to the jury, “What have you found?”

“In the case of the surrogate Lyra Saul Manasseh, we find that neither the girl, nor her father, nor her husband, had any knowledge that her sister was alive. We therefore declare as innocent. It is our advice that we take the appropriate actions for the traditional undead widows.” Pausing the head jurymen indicated the door to be opened, “However there is the issue of the child.” The door opened to reveal a nun carrying a small child. “It is our belief that this child was the product of Lyra’s and Saul’s Marriage. We also found that in the child’s possession was a small scroll indicating the inheritance it had received from his father. The inheritance includes all the money Saul’s widow now owns, a small cabin outside Ebn-dar with a small orchard, and a small wood caving business.”

“This complicates things a little,” the hat monk growled low. “I don’t like complicated.”

“This is why the jury has decided that since that this girl is its mother by the books, and since she is dead the child is also dead. The inheritance therefore automatically goes to the church. If it pleases the church, the widow will be given the child, and if she so chooses, we recommend, that she is housed with the child in the sanctuary of the dead in the northern Silver Lake providence. There she will be provided with a small room, food, in return for her payments and work on the farms of the church.”

The man brightened a little and looked at the maid who had taken the small child of two from the nun.

“You have heard the declaration of the church. What say you?”

The maid looked up at her persecutors. “I say that the monks of the Enlayia’s Church are nothing but thieves in sackcloth who have done nothing but take advantage of the poor and disadvantaged.”

An audible gasp went through the church and several of the monks shouted only to be silenced by the hat monk. “Silence.” The hat monk said turning bright red. “Members of the Jury what say you to such blasphemy!”

The head jury member stood and shakes his fist at the young maiden, “We say that any who hate the church so much, also hates the country. Throw the infidel out of the country, we say!”

Gathering up the bag she had brought with her to the church, the maiden steadied the child she had on her hip. “No need to throw anyone. I’ll leave by myself. I have no desire to remain in the presence of thieves who kept the company of those who killed my sister.”

Thus saying the unnamed maiden left the church leaving the shouting monks behind her without ever turning back.
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congratulations on a finished story, Dinny! Lots of people never reach that goal. It can't be easy to write a story with a lot of other people adding their own ideas about what should happen next!

Well done. Keep writing.
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 1:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

((Thanks Mother Goose for your comments and your loyalty. One last hurray before I tie everything up:))

Epilogue: Reason to Live

It seems strange how things can change in someone's life in such a short time. Yet it had happened. Her life had changed, and she didn't know if it was for better or worse, she didn't know yet but her life had change.

Lifting her dark green eyes up to suvey the green land of Gilead, the older sister of Lyra lifted her small squirming burden as she walked down the road wondering what would become of her.

There was much to consider.

In one short year of her own life, the maide experienced her sister's (Lyra) marriage and death, married Saul herself, become an Aunt, lost her own life in Lyra's only to regain it again.

To be honest, she was just a little overwhelmed by it all.

Who was she anyway? Twenty years of her life had been consumed with the knowledge that she was a mistake before the marriage of her parents, a living proff of their own disappointment, and as a result second best to her sister who marked their accompishments, their joys, and happiness. Then in what seemed like a year that lasted forever, she had become someone, she had become her sister. She had become to being her sister, she had forgotten herself.

Now with her sisters death, and in a strange way, her own death, she had lost the only identy she had ever really enjoyed, the identy of being someone she wasn't.

So who was she?

According to the church, she was nobody, she was dead to them, and infedile to boot.

Thinking about was enough to make her cry. Infact it reminded her of an old poem her mother often song to her at night,

On the Lyre of Life,
Carefully Strung,
Are the Tears our Hearts have wrung,
Tears of Joy,
Tears of Sorrow,
But grievous of all,
Tears that but hung,
In our eyes unshed,
Unwept, Unsung,
Yet still hanging there,
Only in our souls,
Doth do they seep,
For some pains are yet to deep.


The gest of the poem was to forget, to hide everything, and never bring up old memories. Somehow the maiden knew that this wouldn't work for her.

Of course, she could always look at it the other way. While she had may have lost everything, including herself, she had gained something without price.

She had gained a nephew, and in a strange way a son.

In her arms, smiling with wide eyes for once, a beautiful brown haired green eyed toddler laughed at her as she smiled back at him. Looking upwards, she silent thanked her savior above for this small bright eyed gift, smelly diapers and all, for this little boy was just what she needed to keep her smiling if only for his sake.

For the knowledge of a Father above, a child below was enough to give this maiden two very good reasons to live.


~ ~ ~

[b] Although the beginning of this story didn't seem enough to change a nation, the unnamed maiden lived on to finish her story on her own...and some say that the rest of this tale is continued in the roll which is enscribed with:

What Maiden is This?
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that this story is finished...I would like to hear everyone's comments and critizisms.

It would me and my writing greatly if you could point out the faults of this story.

What did I do wrong?

What should I have done deferinetly?

Is there anything I could have added/changed to improve this story?

Any suggestions for my next storygames?

And lastly?

What did I do right?

What did you enjoy the most about Tear Strung Lyre?

I will be taking accurate notes. Hopefully your comments will help me approve as a writer, so thank you in advance.
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone for their comments....*crickets chirp*

Oh well...if it really was that bad. *Even the Crickets leave, and Din clears her throat*

Well, anyway, thanks anyway. I really enjoyed writing this even if you didn't like reading it...and although I admit the end wasn't the best at least it's done. My first Story Ever!

*claps self on back*

A request has been made for this Thread to be moved to the Achieves so if you don't see TSL in Fantasy Forest, that's proably where it is.
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