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solus.serpen
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 Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:29 am Post subject: DESTINY - Chapter 6 - POLLING NOW!! |
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Ok, decided that I’d better do my own story game instead of just posting.
I haven’t actually got a plot worked out yet and any comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome  .
~~~~
DESTINY
1# You never know what's coming.
Jelidah hummed quietly to himself as he worked. Being a translator wasn’t one of the most exciting jobs around to be sure, but he enjoyed it all the same. People would travel many miles and come across many towns before they would find one of his skills. Still, not many people needed translators now, and those that did were shady people, secretive about everything and easy to anger if the wrong (or indeed too many) questions were asked.
He finished the scroll he was working on and put it to the side, then laid his pen down and stretched. The rest could wait until tomorrow. It was late and he didn’t like keeping his family waiting, although to tell the truth, that had been happening a lot, in recent years. When he got home, he nearly always found that the children were already in bed, and since he left for work before they got up, he never really saw them - he couldn’t even remember how old they were. Six, seven, or was it five? All he knew was that they were twins, one boy, one girl. Melanie and Jack. His wife was called Silva, fairly pretty but not outstandingly beautiful, she had waist length hair of moose brown, and deep blue eyes. She also had a long scar on her right arm and her left cheek was slashed, mementoes of her earlier life, when she had lived in the forest as a tribesgirl. There she had been attacked by a wild beast and had nearly lost her life.
He packed his writing equipment away and rolled up the scrolls, hiding them in a locked box under the floorboards. He left the hut*, locking up as he did so. Most people didn’t even have a proper lock on their houses, but he'd had to take extra precautions with the scrolls. They didn’t just provide him with his payment, they let him keep his life.
As he walked home, he wondered whether Silva would be up or not. Most of the time she waited for him, but if she'd had a particularly tiring day she would go straight to bed. As he neared the house he saw that all the lights were off and sighed deeply. He would just have to get back quicker tomorrow he supposed. Despite living in a fair sized village, he could still go for days without talking to anyone but himself.
The door made its familiar creaking noise as it opened and an unfamiliar aroma hit his nostrils; a scent of 'once hot broth gone cold'. He looked perplexed, Silva usually cleared up after the meals. She had probably left some for him, he reasoned. She didn’t approve of how little he ate, especially as they could afford it. He just wasn’t a very hungry person. He moved further into the room, another creak sounding out from the closing door behind him. It felt unnaturally chilly and the hairs on the back of his neck started to rise. Looking around him, he realised the window was opened and hurried to close the curtains to stop any more cold air from blowing in. This just wouldn’t do, what had she been thinking? She must have had a hard day, he reasoned and began to make his way towards the stairs. He'd had a long day too.
It was then that he noticed the note, it was attached to the stairwell and flapped slightly in the breeze that hadn’t quite managed to die out yet. He stared at it for moment, then picked it up. Striding over to the oil lamp, he lit it and held it above the paper, squinting in the crude light to try and make out what message had been so hurriedly scrawled on the crinkled papyrus. He inwardly winced at the sight of so valuable a resource treated in such an uncaring manner. Then he sat down and started to read:
Jelidah,
This note has been written (on order of the DLOJD (Democratic , Law, Order and Justice Department) of GKK II (Great King Kelstrom II)) to inform you of your families temporary detainment, secondary to you having had, or perhaps still possessing a number of articles that may incriminate or override your current (or not so current) innocence and you are therefore (or hereby) requested to leave your safe haven of immediate dwelling and hurry to assist yourself on a potentially tedious and long winded trek, travel or journey in reply to this letter. That he who is above all mortals (GKK II (Great King Kelstrom II)) may send one of not so great importance (a lower positioned member of his overwhelmingly glorious party) to receive your pitiful claims of not guilty in an official (or potentially not so official) area in which people are questioned as to the whereabouts, purpose, intention etc. of a certain act or deed that the so called may have, or may not have committed. It is suggested that the person to which this letter is addressed should be conservative about this information and yet force themselves to the very limit if should so be the need in order to find themselves at the high barred gates within a week of this note being received if those concerned are valued highly in any respect by the unfortunate receiver of this unfortunate letter.
Kindest regards,
Anonymous, lower of upper class.
P.S. looking forward very hopefully to promotion and would be in debt if a commendable comment were made by whoever concerned, about inexplicable service received by the brilliant above.
“You have got to be joking.” he said, and promptly fainted.
Later when he woke up, he remembered, with some reluctance, the note he had been sent. Reading it for the second time, he was again astounded at the sheer mind-bogglingness of it, and just about managed to stop himself from fainting again. Once he had read it several more times, he sat down and tried hard to think of the options he had;
1.He could follow the instructions on the note, and make his way to the centre of DLOJD within a week to argue his case (although he was not altogether sure what, exactly, he had in his possession that was causing the trouble), and hopefully set his family free of their ‘temporary detainment’.
2. He could go to the DLOJD and see if he could get his family out any other way.
3. He could talk to some of the people in his village about the note (although it said he should keep the information confidential) and see what they think he should do.
Or he could …
4. ... (your suggestions here  )
POLL / DISCUSSION POINT: What should Jelidah do?
*A wooden shack on the borders of the town.
~~~~
Ok, thanks for bearing through with that .
I am very open to any suggestions / improvements to the story / poll.
Please say if you liked it or not, this is the first time I’ve started writing without a clue where its going to end up, but at least I’ve had some fun writing this, and even if only one person likes it, I’ll be happy  .
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
Last edited by solus.serpen on Sun Jan 14, 2007 7:09 am; edited 23 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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An interesting start SS! Although I would say translating word by word wouldn't really work, as many times that isn't possible, and you have to translate the sentence, or the meaning.
Anyway, perhaps one option would be to go and look at his scrolls and see what he has. May take some time of course, but...
Just as an aside, why doesn't he work from home? That way he could be with his family and work. Especially as his shack isn't in the town central, and people travel a long way to see him.
Just a Star-trek hat moment.
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Last edited by Chinaren on Fri Jul 28, 2006 12:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 12:08 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Although I would say translating word by word would* really work, as many times that isn't possible, and you have to translate the sentence, or the meaning. |
*i think you meant wouldn't work there, but you're right, thats a valid point, i'll go change it now... [edited] ok, i've changed it now, is that better?
| Quote: | Just as an aside, why doesn't he work from home? That way he could be with his family and work. Especially as his shack isn't in the town central, and people travel a long way to see him.
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I wouldn't really call his place a town, more of a village, and most of his income (if not all of it) comes from outside the town.(so they would be travelling a long way anyway).
His customers are:
| Quote: | | shady people, secretive about everything and easy to anger if the wrong (or indeed too many) questions were asked. |
They prefer him to work on the outskirts of his village as they prefer not to be seen by many people. Plus, working on his own keeps him from being disturbed from his work.
| Quote: | | Just a Star-trek hat moment. |
 ummm?
thanks for the comments
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:13 am Post subject: |
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A star-trek hat is what Chinaren wears when he's looking at plot/story issues rather than spelling/grammar stuff
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:37 am Post subject: |
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ahhh, i see. i was wondering where the grammer corrections were.
What do you think of the story?
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:50 am Post subject: |
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I haven't read it yet, trying to finish off the next chapter of Trengin's story. I will get it done over the weekend at the latest
Have fun
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:03 am Post subject: |
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I quite like it, I would just go and do what it tells him to do. Make it boring for you to write so you have to spice it up a bit, but hey, I'm not the writer, you are!
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:05 am Post subject: |
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ok, looking forward to reading that then...though i'll be away all next week.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:31 am Post subject: |
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Good start Solus
I'd say he needs to go where the note told him to - but to sniff around, see what information he can find and work out what the heck is going on. Maybe he can find where his family are being detained and pay for some mercenaries to break them out? But that's for future chapters. For now, just go and see what you can see.
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 3:09 am Post subject: |
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ok, thanks for all the suggestions - keep them pouring in .
I'll sort through them and put the poll up when i get back (around 8th August).
solus .
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| Posted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 3:28 am Post subject: |
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Nice opening chapter Solus, I think he should go back and examine his scrolls - so long as he doesn't take too long doing it. Then he should go on to the city where his family are being held.
P.S:
I really liked the letter bit of the sg
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JezSharp
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 6:22 am Post subject: |
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| Well I'm going with the option of going back to look at his scrolls to find out what he has - he's already in trouble so he may as well find out what itis. Asking the villagers seems a little pointless... If he doesn't find what he's looking for within a certain period of time he should then go on to the place where he is going to have to stand trial.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, only mistake I noticed was on one part of the letter you put this: )) but that was it for me. Of course, I didn't pick through it. If schoolmarm! comes, she'd probably be able to dissect it, but I'm no good at that
I voted for talking to the villagers as that way you could get some sort of conspiracy going
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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ok, thanks chia. I meant to put that double brackets as, if you look through the brackets in detail (although its a little confusing i admit) it fits, because i am closing two brackets at the same time there.
thanks for the vote.
keep pouring them in everyone .
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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I agree, good start.
Anyway I went for 'look at his scrolls'. Maybe they'll come in handy in the future.
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, welcome Morzan! To my story and IF. I hope you have a good time here, and continue to dedicatedly read and vote on my story .
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| Posted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 2:14 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the welcome Solus.
I await your next chapter. Good story so far, keep it up.
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:22 am Post subject: |
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thanks, it shouldn't be too long coming - hopefully .
keep the votes coming everyone!
solus
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:00 am Post subject: reply |
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| I really liked it, good opening, liked how the letter was so random, he didnt have any warning and was so surprised. I vote he shud ask the villagers, this leaves an opening for new characters, i think that wud be a good idea.
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:08 am Post subject: |
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I also agree, talk with the villagers and see what they think.
Maybe they can help him out or something, and as the upper person stated, introduce new characters.
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:16 am Post subject: |
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Ok, thanks for the sudden intrest .
Welcome to the story, smudger and Diamons, gald you like it!
I'm going to close the poll tomorrow, so anyone else that wants to vote better get it done soon.
solus.
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:23 am Post subject: reply |
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| cheers for the welcome, serpen, all good stories need 2 or more main characters, now u need the 2nd character
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Aug 11, 2006 11:26 am Post subject: |
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right, I'll keep that in mind. I was intending to pick up some more characters later in the sg, maybe on the road...
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| Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 5:21 am Post subject: |
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Ok, it was a tie so I decided I had better break it - I had already written the chapter so I voted for scrolls...well here it is everyone - Chapter 2! .
Chapter 2
FIRE
Jalidah stared at the note for a moment, then threw the now-crumpled mess to the floor. He stood up and made his way slowly to the door. There was still a strange feeling of unreality about this, but he'd made up his mind. He would look at his scrolls first. Nobody liked being kept in the dark, and he was no exception. At least if he found the incriminating scroll, he would know how to argue his case...
He had reached his hut by now. He gingerly opened it, almost as if afraid that the scrolls would be gone. Luckily, they weren’t. He made his way to his desk, lighting a wall torch or two on the way. As he sat down, he contemplated where to start. His workplace was full of scrolls - whole bookshelves stacked full of them, even overflowing onto the floor. Having this much clutter had never bothered him. It had, in fact, had rather the reverse effect. He found it comforting to be near his scrolls. The sight, the smell….That’s why he worked in the profession he did.
As he sorted through the scrolls, he came across some that he had forgotten even existed. He had never thrown out a scroll in his life. After sorting through the first bookcase, he sat down with a sigh. This was tiring work. He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to be looking for. It could be almost anything!
Glancing idly around the room during his rest, he spotted something glittering in the torchlight. It was small and gold, lying under a pile of scrolls. Carefully, he approached the object. As he did so, he vaguely remembered brushing against something. Suddenly the room was much warmer than it had been before. He felt a burning sensation on his back. Turning around, he absentmindedly reached back to brush it away…and yelped in pain. Realising that he was on fire, he hurriedly pocketed the object. Then he tore his shirt off, throwing it, in his haste, on to the floor. The flames licked hungrily at the wooden boards, and engulfed the nearest pile of scrolls.  Jalidah watched, frozen to the spot, as the fire consumed the next pile of scrolls. Then he sensed the fire was coming too close. He staggered backwards until his back came into contact with the door. Not having time to undo all the locks, he took a flying kick at the door. It shattered beneath the force and he flew through it. A moment later, he landed in the dirt, jarring his backbone and gasping in pain.
There he lay for a long time, watching. This place had been his home – his whole life’s work. Now it had vanished into smoke, consumed by the ever raging fire.
As the last of the embers died out, he forced himself to his feet. Limping over to the ashes he hoped against hope that there would be at least one thing left. Just one scroll, a piece of wood, a pen…
…but there was nothing. Everything was gone. He let himself sink to the floor and held his head in despair.
When he finally got up, the sun's early rays were shooting across the sky, alerting everyone that it was morning. He stood for some while surveying the area - the place which he had always called home. He knew now that it was time to go, and that he would never come back. This place had lost its beauty in his eyes. He saw only sorrow if he stayed.
After that, he went back to his home and packed few provisions. Then, slinging the small bag onto his shoulders, he set off.
He hadn’t been able to salvage a map. He had never heard of DLOJD before in his life. But he had travelled very slightly when he was younger, and had studied maps at work.
“It sounds like something the humans would come up with,” he reasoned, happier now he had some logical thinking to do. “And the main human settlements are up north…so I guess I’ll head up that way and see if anyone knows about it.”
So saying, he turned to face north, then set off up a dusty track. It was a well-trodden path, used for trade with other towns and villages.
He hadn’t gone to trade for many years now, and it was a rare occurrence. His wife would sometimes go to sell herbs. Usually when no-one had come for translation for a few months.
After about a mile, the track turned a corner. When he reached it, he turned for a final look back. For a while he stood there, and savoured the memories of his old life. Then, grimly focusing his gaze ahead, he continued his journey.
He continued to travel by foot for a day and a half. Then he found the village. His scanty provisions had lasted him thus far, but they were running low now, and he was in need of a rest.
His eyes had lit up when he'd seen the village. Now he hurried, as best he could with a limp (splinters from the shed door), and an aching body. His sleep had been restless and uncomfortable last night, with only hard, cold earth to lie down on. Now he was worn out. Perhaps that was why he failed to notice how empty the streets were. It was only when he was halfway into the town that he realised. As he looked closer he saw that some of the houses were boarded up. He moved forward to investigate, then suddenly stopped and sniffed the air. It smelt strange, yet somehow familiar...
“Sickness?” he asked aloud, then wondered when he had started talking to himself. He spun around. Nothing changed and he started to wonder if he was moving at all...
***
Looking at the sky he realised it was getting dark. He considered staying there for the night. Whatever drove the last people out may still be here. He heard himself think, this time not aloud. Do I really want to take that risk?
Looking around him again, he saw that he was standing in the centre of the town. Next to him was an impressive looking fountain that had (unfortunately) dried up. And on the ground was his bag. He hadn’t realised he had dropped it.
Picking it up, he saw that it had a layer of dust on the bottom. The ground where it had lain was slightly cleaner than the rest. His brow furrowed as he turned and looked back the way he had come. Sure enough, he could see his footprints outlined among the dust.
But what ever it was, it drove them out a long time ago. He thought, brushing the dust off his bag.
Clearing a space on the side of the fountain, he sat down.
"What now?"...
And now it’s up to you everyone!
Hope you enjoyed the second chapter.
Solus.
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
Last edited by solus.serpen on Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:12 am; edited 3 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 6:33 am Post subject: |
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Woo. Spooky. I say explore a bit. What happened to them? It's all very mysterious like. 
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:59 am Post subject: |
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lol, thanks for setting the mood china .
But I'm afraid you'll have to continue reading If you want to find out what's happened to them...
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Ogden the Octopus has hijacked my avatar image
chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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Morzan
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| Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 9:21 am Post subject: |
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*jeapordy music plays*
Oops *scrambles to swtich CD*
*scooby doo mystery music*
Yes, very spooky. I'd like to do a little exploring too. But maybe find a weapon for protection. Whatever drove the people from the town may still be there *eyes dart back and forth*.
Good second chapter though. Hope to see more.
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Aug 16, 2006 1:54 am Post subject: |
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I'll F5 Chinaren on this one. He needs to have a look around, but avoid anything obvious like drinking the water here, or trapping for animals. No examining old corpses either. Exploration of the least intrusive nature possible, and get some rest if he can, somewhere warmer than he's been getting.
Nice story progression, Solus (although I found the fire a little convenient)
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JezSharp
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| Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 1:01 am Post subject: |
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| Yep I really enjoyed reading it solus . I'd just leave the town and sleep a good distance away for the night - as long as the weather appears to be good. Otherwise - perhaps use some clothing as a mask (in case it is something in the air that caused the desertion) and investigate the possibility of entering into one of the houses for the night.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 6:14 am Post subject: |
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An interesting tale you write, Solus. F5 China, and Stoat. They said what I was thinking.
I just wanted to mention something about your first chapter. I found the second sentence ("It was rare to find one of his skills, and people would travel many miles and come across many towns before they would find one. ") a bit of a redundent sentence. If people travel many miles to find one of his skills, of course he was rare. Also the sentence was a bit of a mouthful to read.
Other than that, I would say you have a good start. 
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:00 am Post subject: |
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Ah yes. Thankyou - I'll just go change that...
*edited* Ok, changed now.
*Edited (again)* Oops, I forgot to say...Welcome to the story Raven! . Good to have another reader !
*Edited (again...again)* POLL now up! Happy voting all !
solus.
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Ogden the Octopus has hijacked my avatar image
chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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JezSharp
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| Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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| Well I'm obviously going for the sleep outside the town in the Shrubbary (although a forest wood be better - ecspecially one a little further from the road).
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 4:05 am Post subject: |
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hm, well by shrubbery I meant the wood that boarders the road.
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 1:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice start solus. I'm going to go for lets not spend the night in this town regardless of if it looks safe or not. Staying the night outside town and explore a little tommorow might be a good idea though.
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dinranwen
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| Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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Staying in a town that is deserted is definetly not my style. Sounds well...creepy. Whatever drove the townspeople away may still be lingering, and don't forget our character has an appointment to make.
However, curiosity does make me wonder, what happen here anyway? My vote would be to spend the night out of the town and come back in the daytime when he's rested, and things are a little less...creepy.
Great SG so far, Solus.
Signed,
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| Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 5:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Creepiness is good! Stay the nigh IN the town and explore it in the day, or in the night, which ever is best. Have some surprises come out at night to up the suspensiopn! Mwahahaha!
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, well commenting is good, can you all vote now?
I'll close the poll tomorrow.
Solus.
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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rlz
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| Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Does Jelidah have any knowledge of fighting with weapons or know how to defend himself?
This was a great story I enjoyed it and want to hear more of it. I think he should find some sort of large stick or a weapon-like object just incase some sort of beast drove the people out of the village.
But what if it was sickness that drove them out and what if he catches it? Ooo.... idea! Maybe he has some herbs from his wife in his bag to cure the sickness incase he does get it. If it's curable that is...
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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Right...thanks for voting everyone. Since I wanted to close the poll about now I broke the tie (paper, rock, scissors with Jez), sorry for any inconvieniences(sp?), but it was having a comeback anyway.
Well, I'll go and write the next chapter now...not sure when it will be out, depends how active I am this week. Should be out sometime this week, or next Monday.
Solus.
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Ogden the Octopus has hijacked my avatar image
chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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| What should Jalidah do now? |
| Stay at an inn for a night to recouperate, then head North towards DLOJD and his family? |
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50% |
[ 3 ] |
| Get a meal, but don't stay the night and head to DLOJD and family? |
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33% |
[ 2 ] |
| Forget about food and sleep - he needs to get to DLOJD asap - head off straight away. |
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16% |
[ 1 ] |
| Go in a totally new direction (please state where/why/stay for food and sleep?)? |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 6 |
| Who Voted: Chinaren, LordoftheNight, Smudger |
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