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Cyberworm
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 Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you very much for this detailed reply, Thunderbird!  I'm literally overjoyed by the thought you found my writing to be better than the last time I posted something!
I am really happy to be writing again, it's like an exhaust vent that was clogged and now I unwound it. I feel more stable now, to tell you the truth.
It truly is like riding a bike, but I took my time regaining my momentum and I really tried to bring the characters to life. I decided to improve the chapters by acommodating my writing to the character, since that way I don't really need to emphasize whose point of view I'm writing in. I am very proud of Malachi's awakening scene, and am also glad you have seen it's authenticity too! It took me some time, but I think I'm getting the hang of "becoming" my characters, and that was quite a lot of work since there are six of them. So far Attaris, Malachi and Orifiel are the ones I believe I can write with pretty decently.
I have a big favor, if you have a little time. Could you point to the parts that weren't as good so that I can rectify it? I really value your advice, so it would mean a lot to me if I could get information about my errors from a more experienced source.
Thank you again for catching up! I will write more often now that college is not so rigid.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:48 pm Post subject: |
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I'd be happy to, but I must admit, after reading some of my early chapters in HM today, I'm not feeling too great about my own writing skills at the moment. Thanks for your compliments but I'd really feel hippocritical to offer such feedback right now as I'm in 'work on myself' mode. I'll probably get over it soon and return to offer you the feedback you're asking for by the weekend. As I've told others, its the act of offering feedback to others that can very much help ourselves to see our own errors so I'm not turning you down, just asking for you to understand some delay. 
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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A lot of this is coming back now, and I'm trying to remember the scene of fighting earlier on in the story, and whether this is what Attaris is referring to.
I haven't gone back to that chapter yet and for good reason - I want to play this DP in character. If Orifiel cannot remember what she has done, then she should demand proof. For all she knows Attaris may be mistaken, and she may think that she's not even be guilty at all.
So, while I agree with Thunderbird that she'll want to know what she's supposed to have done, I'd go one further, and demand proof and evidence. Who knows where that may lead.
It's good to see you back and writing, Cy. Don't leave it so long this time!
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for catching up, CF, I promise it won't be long until the next chapter. 
EDIT: (Sat May 14, 2011 1:36 pm )
Notice to everyone reading the story! Three days until the voting begins! The voting itself will last for one week.
Any last ideas that pop into the mind about this decision point, put them in now!
EDIT 2: (Mon May 16, 2011 10:32 pm)
Okay, the voting starts now! Votes are taken for exactly one week! Ready set go!
EDIT 3: (Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:35 am)
These are the results of the poll. 
Question Attaris about what happened and what she has done.
50%
50% [ 1 ]
Questino him and demand proof of the alleged atrocities.
0%
0% [ 0 ]
Snap at him and start yelling, brewing a hate inside her.
0%
0% [ 0 ]
Become overwhelmed by fear and break into tears.
50%
50% [ 1 ]
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Last edited by Cyberworm on Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:35 am; edited 5 times in total
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| Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:28 pm Post subject: Ch7 - "Quarters" |
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Warning: Some violence, not even less bad language.
Ch -7- "Quarters"
He was still breathing heavily from all the air he used to yell, the spill of all his anger through a storm of words and from which he was coming to his senses now. He was almost seeing red just from remembering what happened.
"Attaris…" he heard. His breathing stopped just after his next heartbeat thumped.
"I honestly… I can't…"
It was done. He could see the tears coming like a grown seal could see an iceberg shatter from its own weight… breaking, shards of pure, sweet water flying directly towards its salty counterpart. He was only able to watch, knowing he has done that… and yet was unable to prevent the snowballing cry. She bursted into tears silently, like a child when being scolded and not allowed to move from the spot. That wasn't what he wanted… What did he want anyway? He didn't know.
"Ori… I'm sorry, I didn't…"
Now this situation seemed way too familiar to him, for some reason. He hated it, though he hated himself more because he instigated it. He wondered about what she had done ever since he got out of that room he awoke in, he was saving every ounce of angry argumenting he thought of just for this moment… and now when the deed was done, he wishes that he controlled himself better and that he didn't make her break into tears. God, why is it so familiar?!
"Orifiel…" He touched her shoulder, trying to lessen the damage, but she backed away as if burned by his touch, revealing her face wet with tears for only a moment before clasping it again and weeping even louder. He was confused. She is the one who killed all of those men? Obviously not, but she could be psychotic. As he sighed as a gesture of giving up, she finally pointed some timid looks towards him, her chin still shaking.
Attaris, in all his confusion, did the best thing he could think of, and that was to open his arms, and offer her the warmest, friendliest hug he could give.
She just stood there.
He just stood there.
And the silence was total.
She finally opened her mouth to speak.
"Have you… has anyone been hurt? I mean, of us… the other two men and ladies?"
He lowered his arms to hang naturally for a few moments, and then continued moving them, gesticulating with his speech as always.
"The others are fine, and from what I saw all of them had their share of problems. I almost… lost myself as well."
She looked at him closely. It was his eyes that were now sad. She said nothing, yet she was the one who took two steps forward and hugged him. He was relieved on many accounts, most notably because she was not crying anymore.
* * *
She paced through the stone halls furious and fearful. And she is pissed. Who was that weirdo? Who does he think he is? And how the hell did he vanish like that? It was just too much. She turned a few corners, listening for any sounds of others. Nothing yet. Her clothes irritated her simply because they were tasteless. Something toga-like and covering way too much. She tried to tie it up and twist it somehow, but nothing she did with it pleased her. Finally she settled for something half-tucked and left it at that.
Now that her thoughts were back on thinking about what happened, she thought of all the disgust that came with looking and hitting all those hideous creatures. The sins of men combined with the liquor of beasts poured out of their skin, and splashed out forcibly when it was cut. They were bursting with hideousness, and were quite literally the embodiment of aesthetic pus and such, scrapped from the lowest parts of some hot, evil place. She could barely think of all the things she has done to them without feeling changed, internally violated. She murdered. Maimed. And so did the little bitch that fancied the cute black-haired boy. She didn't dwell much on it, though, 'cause she was aiming for the long-haired hunk that always kept his cool. She could surely heat him up.
As for heating up, she heard the sounds of some heated argument. She could almost sense the moist spit flying around from Cassiel's mouth when he shouted every imaginable insult he remembered to someone. She also sensed who he was shouting at. While she was running she heard sounds of flesh and bones colliding with more and less solid parts of body, and it wasn't one-sided either. She finally turned the last corner and saw Attaris holding Cassiel in a standing armlock. Cassiel screamed and flailed around helplessly and Orifiel, that murdering bitch now cowered just behind the door frame.
Req strutted towards them, moving her hips as usual, with one leg in front of the other.
"Boys" she said, asking for attention, "please stop this, you are acting like two big kids arguing over who can spit farther."
Cassiel shook out of the armlock, but only because Attaris was slowly letting him go. Cassiel, the mutt, in his impatience pulled his arm too hard and pulled something, most probably one of those bulging muscles. Req laughed as to step on their foolishness and grind it. When she glanced at Orifiel though, she gave her such a deadly look that she was careful only the little bitch would see it. It made the girl even more scared. Good.
Cassiel was still raging. "I come out of some shithole pansy room, rush down the bleeding corridors to find the rest of you and Malachi tells me this (Attaris slammed his fist on the door frame, which toned out the insult) killed about a dozen of our men! And even worse, I find this jerk hugging her!"
She looked at those two, and instantly knew everything that could've been read from the situation. She was sceptical about all of them, since they were so incompetent and unintelligent, but she knew she should calm them down or else they'd fight until one of them loses a limb or worse.
"I see you took all of that quite seriously, Cassiel, but something tells me what happened wasn't real."
Cassiel blinked. "Ya sayin' that those beasts, the people, the world itself wasn't the real McCoy?"
"No, it wasn't that… whatever you said."
He is stumped, with too much information running through that little brain. No wonder. But he seems to know something and he is connecting some dots.
"I believe we have been tricked in some kind of illusion."
Cassiel looked at her, eyes wide. "You know too? Did you see it, when it all disappeared?"
Attaris and Orifiel were obviously confused, and Req raised an eyebrow and crooked her lips in a quasi-thoughtful smile.
"At one moment it all stopped, and then it was somehow blank… but I didn't see anything."
Cassiel nodded and moved his lips like saying something with no breath, to himself.
"Anyway, we should move" said Req, again, "there are bound to be answers, but they are not going to come to us while we sit on our behinds. Or get our arms broken."
"Ow get ouw awms bwoken…" Cassiel repeated mockingly while turning to follow her down the corridor. He gave Att and Ori another frowned look and then seemingly forgot about them while he went towards theorner with Req, holding his painful, strained shoulder. They just got to the corner when Req heard a familiar, deep and hot voice. She turned around.
* * *
He is way too tired to think of that irritant who wouldn't be able to read a person if intentions were written on their foreheads. Luckily he was gone, not a moment too soon. He was still weak, but the contents of the letter intrigued him for a while so he forgot about it. When he couldn't stand anymore he sat in front of the great wardrobe and rememmbered that the letter mentioned some kind of a drawer in the great armoire. After some prodding he found that a decoration in the bottom of it detached itself to serve as a handle, and it had some rather classy ornaments unlike the rest of the decorations; simple lily flowers connected with their petals at the middle. He pulled the handle and observed the contents of the drawer, holding his aching head with the other hand so firmly his fingers pressed into his skull.
In it was some simple underwear, under which were fashionable black trousers that seemed to come from the same era as the rest of the room. There was also a vest to match, beneath which was a fancy white shirt. He didn't mind since he liked a bit of class and this suited his appetite well. After placing the clothes on the beds folded sheets he saw something glimmering in the drawer just as he was closing it. He also heard some clutter at the furthest part, though he couldn't open it all the way so he slipped his hand in and barely reached something cylindrical, elongated… a cane. It was a black cane with a silver-ish head of a bird as a handle. A bird he would call something… e-gull? Something noble, but with no name to him currently. He placed the cane on the bed and went on to dress himself properly.
A few seconds longer had passed than he would like, but in his condition it was swift enough. He now saw that having that cane would serve more purposes than just aesthetic, for his legs were still a bit wobbly. He could stand, yes, but not run. He strutted out of his room and heard some mumbling behind the corner. While walking he observed that the complex was like a maze with plenty of corners and walls. He concluded that it must be some kind of living quarters, and judging from the letter he read and the clothes that fit him like tailored specially for him, those were their quarters. He absorbed the quality of the walls while he could, and when he reached the curve he saw Req and Cass moving away.
"You are all here? Good. Wait, where is the red-headed girl?"
All of them turned to see him, and he could see Reqs face turn green in turn. Obviously she was territorial, and he couldn't care less about it.
"If she's lost, it's her… Well… Where did you get the fancy threads?"
She raised an eyebrow. Typical.
"They were in my room. I believe the rooms were prepared specifically for us, and I also believe that we will be briefed very, very soon. Go back to your rooms and change into whatever you find. I trust you will be satisfied."
Maybe not as satisfied as he was, no. He enjoyed the feeling he sported now.
"Just 'cause you found some fancy-pantsies and a shirt you are the one giving orders now?"
Malachi sighed at the blockhead's remark. He was way too tired for this, so he chose the peaceful, diplomatic way.
"No, my friend. I am only implying that you will feel better wearing some decent clothes, and I know you are aware that soon someone will come for us."
Cassiel was rash, but not stupid. Sometimes, maybe. He shrugged and waddled of in the direction where Mal supposed his room was.Requiel walked down the hall in the direction he first saw her, glancing behind her almost unnoticeably. Almost.
"Attaris, I suggest you don't fraternize with the witch but instead go get dressed."
Mal at this point wasn't interested in Attaris' reaction, but he just turned around and went back to his quarters. Back on the soft, silk covers to tend to his currently weakened body.
* * *
Back in his room was Attaris, lying on the floor. He was dressed in the clothes he found in a night desk near his bed. The black jeans fit him nicely and had some kind of elastic in the threads so they felt like second skin to him. The grey turtle neck vest was nice too. He stared at the ceiling, turning it into a movie screen for his thoughts. He tried to fit in all the thoughts; relations, actions and feelings… Something wasn't right. He never saw them, yet he knew them. He wouldn't hang out with them usually, yet they worked together. Something was amiss.
Also, is Orifiel mad? He saw her face on the ceiling, the stones helping him to form a three-dimensional image. She wasn't herself then… That's right! Her eyes were… He tried to match the two faces of her he saw, and remembered that the eyes were strange, her left eye is green, but then it was blue! And the other eye reversed color too… It could've been the light refraction off her cornea, but his sight was clear. That also fascinated him, somehow he couldn't match clear eyesight with himself.
Then he heard a knock on the door.
"Y-yes?" He was startled, he jumped up and straightened his shirt, expecting that someone who was supposed to take them.
The door screeches only for a split second, and a female hand grasps the edge of it. There's a soft voice behind the door. "May I come in?" Attaris approaches and opens the door himself, and he sees Seraphine, She has no expression on her face, and her posture reveals nothing. She is as cool as a breeze. Is she, really?
"Of course, please do."
She walked right in, and kicked a wall next to Attaris' bed… The stone looked dented in that spot now.
"I just heard everything two minutes ago. This thing was a sham?!"
She grabbed the neck of his turtle and reamed him straight into the door while yelling. "I killed a girl! A fake girl! And I almost died out there! More than once! You almost killed me!"
"Yet I didn't."
She stopped. Her freckles looked like red spots on burning cinder, a fire was put out, but the heat was still raging. Right up to her eyes.
"Why? Why did you… GAH! It doesn't make sense!"
He nodded, saying "Tell me about it." He guided her, with one arm around her, to the bed, at which edge she sat. He crouched in front of her, observing her eyes. They were far from lifeless. Deep, blue, and twitching here and there. She was in great emotional pain, no? Obviously. She didn't hide it, nor she should. Her white gown was soft to the touch, but he reckoned her heart was a very different matter right now. Maybe with time and friends… What friends? For all he knew, the six of them could be the only normal people they are ever going to meet.
There was another knock on the door, and two sheets of paper slipped under it by someone. Attaris opened the door quickly, but there was nobody there. No wonder, he had seen stranger. Or hadn't? Nevermind. He gave Sera's paper to her, which she read through in a single breath. When he glanced at it he found it to be instructions. They were supposed to go somewhere. As he read it he saw her walk towards the door quickly, patting him as to say "No time to waste, go."
He did as he was pat.
——————————-
DP: Where do the directions lead?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Thunderbird
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 8:27 am Post subject: |
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Don't worry, TB, nobody blames you. We all had a lot of stuff, I've been personally mlested, and still am, by RL and college. So no worries.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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Nice to see you caught up, Lil'! Welcome back!
It could be a training ground, yes, or it could be something less military-oriented, not even I know. You can let loose the hogs of war on this one, really.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Last edited by Cyberworm on Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:00 pm Post subject: |
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My main 'critique' here would be to try to make it a bit more clear who is talking. In the lag between chapters I'm getting lost in the characters and the personality and content of the speech is not enough for me to sort out who is saying what when they are all together.
Now, that said, I suspected that the previous 'setting' was not 'real' but a test of some sort. I'm thinking these beings are in some sort of Limbo, their souls being tested to see if they would so quickly slip into becoming the past evil beings they have previously been. They are being given a chance at redemption I think, each having to face their own unique trials though they are tested in a manner which blends each of their issues together.
That, in and of itself, seems to be a great story premise. Even if I'm wrong, the fact that you have me guessing here is to your credit.
So I'm going to say that it's a treasure map. They will now be tested on 'greed'.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:46 am Post subject: |
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Thank you, TB! I noticed it now that I have taken another look at it, and I'll do an edit soon to fix it. Got carried away, I guess.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! Finally caught up Sorry it took me so long Cy. As always 2 more brilliant chapters since I last read it. Great Job
Oh and I agree with TB. It was a little hard to understand the story who each part was about but loved it all the same
Umm... I guess the instructions could lead them to their next test or challenge not sure what it could be though
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:40 am Post subject: |
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Tats! Welcome back! Thank you for catching up, I'm glad you enjoyed them. Alas, I shall have to do some minor or major editing to make it more readable, but the essence of it will be the same.
Now is the time for ze poll.
The poll will be again running for 7 days, starting this instant.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Lilith
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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Where do the directions lead them?
The training grounds. 25% [ 1 ]
A treasure, to test their greed. 75% [ 3 ]
A challenge, i.e. a monster or a terrain obstacle. 0% [ 0 ]
The "debriefing room". 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 4
Who Voted: Lilith, Tatkret Sos, Thunderbird, Tikanni Corazon
The poll is done! (No way!  ) Sorry for waiting. I thought I'd pop a chapter, it'd be well past the time to do so.
I apologize for the delay, and I also apologize for any "what the?" you may get from this chapter. Those will be lampshaded appropriately.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Some harsh language, blood.
Ch -8- "All The Finer Things"
Corridors.
Turns.
Stone, unknown light sources.
And no windows.
For some reasons the six of them never saw a window. Well, one of them did, but only in his own quarters.
Attaris, in his black jeans and grey turtle-neck, looked awfully modr... mode.n. Mod... *headache* The others looked equally out of place as he did if they were to compare each other to him. Malachi was a classy gentleman, looking almost 200 years out of place, Seraphine in a blend of an exotic gown and a regular dress, and Orifiel in loose V-cut sweater and barely baggy trousers. She also had her feet in snea..rs, similar to Attaris’ and Requiel’s, but very off compared to Malachi’s high-class shoes or Sera’s flat sandals. Requiel was finally pleased, with a black top and hot pants to show off her figure, over which Cassiel gladly drooled. He simply looked like a punk, with a shirt that had its sleeves ripped off and simple blue jeans.
And to completely describe them would be even more confusing than a simple glance is.
In the corridors, seldom would you hear a word from them. Doors that were there were locked, and wouldn’t give an inch. Orifiel walked right next to Attaris, since at least he wasn’t mad at her. Much. He’s here, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.
After a few minutes, Malachi finally stopped, and observed. In front of them was a door as big as the corridor itself.
"It seems like..."
"Just open the damn door."
Malachi gave but a glance to Requiel, and then did as he heard. On the other side was an open ground, a yard, a sun in the sky and a few clouds to make it feel cozy. And in the yard... yes, it was a yard, there were chairs, tables, and people. So many people in a great space, it felt lively.
"Ah, the best man’s here!"
"Come on fella, bring your lady and sit ‚ere! Your friends will sit right next to yah!"
Strange people, dressed like Malachi, but not so. They looked more plain, with coats, shirts, black mostly. The tables that were placed to the sides, leaving the middle path open to a big, big table. At that table, more people, and in the middle a man and a woman, dressed like the rest, but standing out. She was in white, he was in black. Was he mourning while she overjoyed?
No...
Sera had her eyes wide open. „It’s a wed... goddamit! It’s a goddamn wedding and I know this! I should kno... Aaaaaah!” She fell to the ground, grasping her head and screaming. The people in the yard cheered.
"Yes, a goddamn wedding it is! Well said lass! I raise a glass to you!"
"Oh no you won’t, you raise those glasses more than you raise your kids!"
The crowd bursted out laughing at the wife scorning the plumper red-nosed man. They continued cheering.
Attaris was down on one knee, he grabbed Sera’s head and opened her left eye. The eye was there for a second in his sight, but the iris was wide open. She was so out of focus and in shock, she just continued screaming, breaking her screams with convulsions. He swiftly carried her to a chair and sat her down, then tore off the tablecloth, pulled it off the table with all the tableware... during which the people just laughed. Some of them seemed sentient enough to pick up their glasses before they were swept off the table, while others continued using the empty table as if there was still food and tableware on it. It was... madness.
Attaris placed Sera on the table and then to the side. She started convulsing.
"Now, what did they say about convuls... intern class... Gah!"
A splitting headache spiked his brain. He stopped thinking about specific things so that he doesn’t make it worse. He took a deep breath and with his eyes half-closed, he was out cold. The iris of his eye was now glassy blue, watery, unfocused.
Malachi, on the way to the bri..egr..oms table, laughed at the festivities, but he didn’t laugh with his heart to it. He felt the emptiness. It was no different from his memories. It was as empty as the glasses that fell to the grass, that rolled under his feet. And he was determined to crush the memories as well as that glass that had no chance of survival under his weight. He had no strength of body, but the nature takes its course, and leads his foot to crush the weak... glass. It was done.
The sound of glass breaking, the feeling of broken glass under his feet, soon he was so enveloped in that majestic thought that all the participants of the festivity stood up and threw their glasses, under his feet, gently and strongly, swiftly and slowly. There was but one glass left on the table in front of the bridegroom. It was a large, crystal chalice. He took but a glance and took a step. One glass broken. With his cane, second glass. his second step took two glasses. Each sound was different, each destroyed vessel gave out a tune that pleased his ears, vibrated through his skull and went back into his limbs, invigorating him.
What was it? He cared little. He was here. He was now. He was IT. The pleasure of breaking became his. The pleasure, yes! But not just the breaking! It was the promise of a broken vessel that it will give him what it held until now! Every tear of joy, hate and pain! Every laughter it resonated is now under his feet. Tens of vessels. Hundreds! It was his...
And it was done.
He was now in front of the recently-united couple. The chalice stared him in the eyes, and observed the melody of broken cups that lingered behind him. The men were silent, as were the women. The redhead no longer convulsed. Silence... was absolute.
Not three seconds passed, there came a wind. The slow wind carried drops of water as clear as air, and with a round shape as of ripe grapes. Malachi counted six drops falling into the empty cup, which barely formed a small pond on the bottom of the chalice. In front of him, on the table, was now a machine. A metal weapon. It barely fit the age his robes were of. It was to be held in one hand, and fired with less than that. He checked it, and found that he can fire it twice. Fittingly, he raised it towards the couple. First the man, then the woman. In each of them was now a piece of metal he knew well. But they did not move. He shot them, he did!
And yet they stood there, blood pouring out of the holes on their holes and staining them red. The blood didn’t seem to end. But they were there, standing, not even flinching from the impact force. He was now intrigued. Almost scared, but confident enough to turn it to usefulness. Another wind came by, and a droplet with it. It came overhead, and it was the smallest yet. It had great luminescence to it, but little mass. It fell into the cup, and the cup was suddenly full. The single droplet made the cup full from just touching the small pool collected on the bottom of the cup. The amount of water expanded rapidly to fill the cup in but half a second, the water still shaking from the impact of the last drop.
As soon as the cup filled with water, the blood in the now-soaked clothes started retracting itself to the wounds, leaving the clothes clean, fresher than the blood that soaked them minutes ago. The wounds closed. The man said:
"Seeing that there's something more than you and your own life, and you still act that way? They are blind, and you close your eyes intentionally."
The man shrugged.
The woman said:
"You choose poorly."
Malachi’s eyes opened wide. "I do not make poor choices. If there is a mistake, it is not mine."
The woman replied:
"Do you really think so?"
He snarled, swung his cane, and was to hit the woman, who showed no reaction, not a flinch. In mid-swing, he turned and smashed the chalice. The water spilt over him, the couple and the table. And the complete yard, the people, the five behind him, were all sucked into the wet surfaces like vacuum.
==//\\==
==\\//==
It was the room again. It wasn’t the same room, but a bit different. Attaris was on a bed again, a bit harder mattress and a poly-something sheets. It was more like him. More like his. From the simple bed he was on, he observed the room with roughly the same setting, but different furniture. The bed was simple, wooden frame with full header and footer, a sponge-like pillow and afore-observed mattress and sheet. The pa..quet..e floor had a simple, thin carpet, and the elaborate wooden desk was replaced with a metal and glass one, with a few metal drawers and a light. The walls were now flat, and... white. The sheets matched the walls and the shades on the window, with majority of the light actually coming from above... and it was fluores.ent white. Sickeningly white, with only the gray carpet and the pictures on the wall dispersing the monotony. The pictures were of bodies, hand-drawn, dis.ected. Open, closed, sewn. It was his body on the pictures. His face didn’t show, but it was him. He felt it. He KNEW it.
He checked the cabinet, his desk, the closet, it was all empty. Nothing. All white, pl..stic surfaces... It didn’t even have the feeling of a room. He was about to sit on the chair set under the desk, when he heard a knock on the door.
His thoughts went still, then raced for a second on who it might be, when came another knock. And he went blank again. He stood there, while the person opened the door easily, calmingly. She set her foot into the room and under her feet there radiated color. The half a meter in her vicinity was colored.
"Good evening, sir" she said. She was... beautiful. He was speechless for a moment, looking at her face, hair, dress, shoes, the colour underneath.
"My name is Estelle, and I will serve you as your maid for the duration of your stay here."
Her face was still, no emotions. She had captivating a presence, she had the posture of who she was.
"I... I’m sorry. I’m glad to meet you, Miss Estelle."
"Just Estelle will do, Sir Attaris."
"Just Attaris will do, Estelle."
He didn’t know the origin of his wit, as he was motionless between his ears. He still recovered from the piercing whiteness which, by the way, she didn’t even seem to notice.
"I will be bringing you your meals, and will notify you of anything important happening. Eventually, you will be called so I will be the one showing you around the estate."
She went to the bed and started straightening the sheets. The sheets briefly turned blue as if she was shedding blue light on them, after which she turned to the desk that turned slightly brownish-gray a colour.
"There is a set of writing and drawing tools in the drawers, as well as papers. If you need hard-covered blank books or anything call me and I will procure them for you."
Those empty drawers... not empty? He couldn’t utter a word on her explanations, but he managed to squeeze out a half of "How?"
"If you wish to call me, open the spy hole on the door and call my name. That should suffice. I will come as soon as I am able to. Is everything alright... Sir Attaris?"
(She just won’t let go of that 'Sir'.) "Yes, yes... everything is fine." He kept his eyes on her, and on the half-brown door. He looked at his hands, and they were grey. It was like watching something from a long time ago.
"If that is all, I have some other business to attend to."
~~~~~~
It that all? Any questions? Thoughts? Deeds?
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
Last edited by Cyberworm on Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:12 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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I apologize for the double post. I wanted to note that the last chapter was edited and is much more readable now! I'll be grateful for any suggestions and thoughts. ^_^
Seeing how a lot of time has passed since that last chapter was posted, I'll start writing the next one as soon as I get a reply in this thread.
*arms himself with a pen*
Let's make magic.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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VenomousAngel
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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Just found a few things that urked me, almost making me not want to read anymore.. Not sure if other parts held these, But here are some examples:
| Quote: | The pa.quet.e floor had a simple, thin carpet,
Malachi, on the way to the bri.egr.oms table,
All white, pl.stic surfaces...
a half of „How?"
„Yes, yes... everything is fine.”
„If that is all, I have some other business to attend to.” |
Alright, the first three.. *Cringes* Did you mean to put all those periods in there, and if so... Is that some unknown language?? I didnt understand it really. As for the last three, Did you mean for the quotation marks to go to the bottom of the word like that, I cant even make mine do that... Besides that, good plot going on and interesting read.. Although I do agree that having so many characters involved in one chapter is a bit stressful. We just get into something with one, and then we are switched to another all that quickly.. I would suggest lengthening out the play with each one, Maybe only having two or three in a chapter at once?
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, the dots were intentional, it's to mark their faulty memory. They cannot recollect exact names and such a use of dots is to mark the lapse.
And as for the quotations, I've been writing it in a peculiar writing program and I didn't change them. XD Will do it now. ^_^
Thank you for the reply.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:42 am Post subject: |
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Ohh Cy's SG!! I'm gonna start reading from Chapter 1 and post my full comments soon!
Although, I did peek at Ven's comments. May I humbly recommend that you use more dots and also italicise the words that are affected by memory? For e.g.:
pa.quet.e: pa..quet..e
bri.egr.oms: bri..egr..oms
pl.stic: pl..stic
Well, italicisation is optional, but it might help in reducing the confusion in the readers.
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you Sagi, I wouldn't have thought of that. XD I just left the letters that are a blank slate as dots, one for each letter. But I guess it makes no difference if you read it so I'll gladly implement your suggestion.
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Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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But,.. more training I say!
