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Beyond Good and Evil -Ch8- "All The Finer Things"
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK, I'll be closing the suggestions part in a few days, so if you have anything on your mind, spill the beans. Cool
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it, very intruiging. Any way, the DP, I think they should not get a chance to reply, because all of the sudden the alarm sounds and they are under attack.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK people, another poll is running. Dance in the hellfire of voting. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I just got to this, in time for the vote!

I must say that overall it is a good chapter. There are some passages there which paint the scene very well, and I did get a good feel for the kind of world they had got to.

I did struggle to follow the chapter in places though, some of the transitions were difficult to understand. For example, it wasn't clear that they were coming to the end of a tunnel entrance - at first I thought they were about to break through a wall.

Also, when they first heard Horace and Finn, they strode over to them saying 'good evening gentlemen' but there was only a description of their voices first, with Cassiel noticing that they were unarmed. How did he see them? Were they strolling leisurely? Hiding in the bushes? Perhaps the visual description of the pair before the angels go to greet them might have made a better transition to this point.

This may just be a personal view but I do find scenes where there are a large number of protagonists difficult to follow. I had to go back to the first chapter to remind myself of all the characters and try and imprint a visual impression of each of them. Even then, their images were fading, except Requiel's for some reason.

Even though they are all together, the POV shifts about from one angel to the other, and I think that adds to the difficulty in following what is going on.

You may be able to get around this by selecting one of the angels as your viewpoint or 'camera' and sticking with it. This person would become your main character, and the others his supporting characters. You get to know that person's thoughts, but not the others, although you can have him or her speculating about what might be going through his fellow angels' minds.

Your viewpoint character doesn't have to be the most heroic of the six, or even the most active, but you would have an anchor from which the story is being told.


Anyways, I voted the second option, because they don't know what their mission is, it is clear that Horace and Finn know them, and they don't want to let on that they are clueless just yet. I think this is the best way to find out more.


Cool!

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thiss sstory isss sssatisssfactory.
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

C'etait tres tres bon! (lol that was very very good) Very Happy *votes*

got a bit confused to begin with *blames that one distracting music* but I couldn't move rooms or be bothered to ask my bro to turn it down 'cos I was too busy reading! Laughing not been that absorbed in a while *decides to read something every day from now on even if school doesn't want me to.* Very Happy

next time I'll try and make it in time for the sugestions Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since it seems like the poll is as good as done, I'll start writing the chappy. Smile If anybody wants to get their vote in, they should do it as soon as possible.
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The polling is officially closed.
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay! Like we discussed in the Inn, I am going to give you a crit without the grammar part.

Here we go. PS - it's step by step so I will quote stuff and then talk about it. Yay.
Quote:

"I am sure Attaris knows what he's doing, Cassiel," Malachi reprimanded in his overpowering voice, "so be quiet."


I always try to refrain from introducing so many names so close to the beginning of a chapter. Here, the reader is lost with three names that he or she cannot relate to (in that they're not Jim, Sally, and Bob). I always try to balance my names, also (try to include a one-syllable one that we can *almost* relate to). Furthermore, reprimanded in his overpowering voice is redundant and a little awkward. The next sentence is really funny.
Quote:

Att heard and felt something hit the wall and silenced the others, waiting to hear it once more as Orifiel leaned towards him and breathed, "This wall only passed the vibrations further. There must be a door somewhere here."

This is really good imagery. I especially like the "breathed" tag, because I can see exactly how it is said.

Another qualm: you have a lot of "+iel" names. Cassiel, Requiel, and Orifiel. When a reader sees this many names this close together in the story, he or she can get a little irritated and pinched back to reality. My suggestion would be to only use multiple names with the same ending if you are dividing people by race (i.e. the Red race [not creative, don't hate] might have a lot of oo sounds and ees whereas the Blue race might have a lot if ika sounds and elkas).

Your angel analysis is spot-on and really well done.

The air was so sweet, filled with both lust and grief, joy and terror, glee and despair. Not that the air in the tunnel was stale, it was just so still.

This is a really good description. However, I'd say if you wanted to keep "both" you'd write "both lust and grief, both joy and terror, and both glee and despair" otherwise nix the both because all of those things in combination aren't a both, but they are if you're comparing them as opposites. I LOVE the fragment starting with "Noth that..." ending with "still". It states powerfully the breathlessness and the unexpectedness of this tunnel air. This sweetness that is just still and looming... yet.... not. Intriguing.

She had a feeling that every pore of it was familiar to her. The grass that ran freely between her bare feet felt nice, almost welcoming...

You have an excellent way of slamming the senses together and setting the reader up. Here, we read that there is this familiarity through each "pore" (sense of touch) but the sense is "feeling", too. The grass (sight, smell) runs freely (we can feel the wind)(can grass run? I think maybe, now!) bare (naked) nice (feeling) welcoming... ahhh! It's just a potpourri of sense!!!

Okay I kind of got a little confused in the middle a little bit, which is why I don't want to critique it in full. It was nice, but... it was just a little... bam-esque.
Quote:

They quickly passed through the small, dark corridors that led to a great strategy room. The room itself was pretty well lit, with many torches on the walls which were decorated by a few rugs that had some kind of insignia drawn on them a long time ago. Now it was only a pale memory of things that were. There were three men in the room, and the six of them spotted the one called Chief almost immediately. He was dressed in a knights suit of armor while the other two had regular chain vests. They were having a wild discussion when Attaris slid through the shadows, following the wall patterns so he isn't noticed. They didn't hear hims softly tapping the cold stone floor. Seraphine followed him closely, eyeing out the men that were now waving with their hands and showing some points on the large maps that were spread out on the only table in the room. She noticed that one of the soldier that were talking to the Chief had a small emblem on his shoulder that represented a tower. The other had an emblem that had the front gates drawn on it.


Great description. I can see it all really well--esp. love the "pale memory". There're some grammar problems here, but I said I wouldn't crit that haha. Love the contrast with emblems.

Great story. I think you just have to watch confusion and your words. I explain. See, as much as it is good to have an enigmatic story, one must remember that if the audience is too confused, it will not want to read. You have to balance utter chaos with enough leeway so that the audience sees there is, indeed, something it can comprehend.

Regarding words: they are powerful. Never use too many words to describe something you could have described better with fewer (notice how awkward that sentence was? I used too many words ;-D). Never forget "said" and common-er names to give your words an essence of reality. Even in fiction--with angels and demons and dead--there _must_ be an essence of reality (a tragic heroic flaw, a speech impediment, an angel that is sort of human) so that your readers can understand what you're showing them.

Well done! I look forward to more.
________
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

well I haven't read the whole thing yet ,but its pretty good Cy. I'll use it as modivation to get my book report done, and when I'm done I'll read the rest. But, great so far
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:47 pm    Post subject: Ch3 - "The Bloody Legion" Reply with quote

LANGUAGE AND EXTREME VISUAL CONTENT*, BE ADVISED.

Ch -3- "The Bloody Legion"


As soon as Malachi inadvertently opened his mouth, not really knowing what he would say, something clashed onto the Chief, then immediately jumped back on the ceiling. Attaris was the only one who got a somewhat better look since it jumped right above him, but it was no good because he was motionless, shocked by the shadowy figure and its glowing red eyes, accompanied by a strange clicking sound.

The death of the Chief was immediately followed by screeches from the outside, panic overflowing the mind of those who heard the man in the watchtower shouting ''The Legion! The Legion!'', and the two sergeants that were conversing with the Chief were frozen in place, trying to comprehend what was just happening.

''It's too early! The next attack wasn't supposed to start in another week!'' shouted the one with the tower emblem, while the other spoke his thought out loud – ''We didn't rebuild our defenses yet.'' He immediately crouched next to the Chief, checking if there was at least a slim chance he survived, but his brief and clear outcry ''Shit!'', along with the large hole in Chief's lungs that was made by the shadowy figure was a clear indication that the Chief was indeed dead. ''Take the six of them'' he continued, ''And lead them to the armory. Find them something they could defend themselves with. May the Lord help us…''

The four of them who were hiding in the shadows looked at where others were supposed to be and then they looked at the sergeant in disbelief. The other officer looked at his comrade with a blank stare, confused, and he opened his mouth like a fish out of the water when suddenly he saw the four that were hidden in the shadows. The sergeant with the gates emblem smiled and said ''Always make sure your troops are accounted for.'' The tower emblem sergeant grumbled and nodded the six 'scouts' to follow him.

He kept eying them suspiciously all the way out of the war room and even when he stopped outside the building to hurry them up, and he wasn't gentle about it either. ''Come on ya lazy arses this ain't a morning walk!'' he pushed them out into the fortress' indescribable chaos. Women, children, old men, most of them screaming and pushing each other while trying to run into one of the designated shelters which were made of weak materials and looked like they were going to crumble all by themselves. 'What are they doing, keeping civilians in a war-stricken land?' thought Att while passing next to a woman who was holding small girl in a light blue skirt by the hand. The girl looked at Attaris and he saw something strange in her eyes, a small glimmer of hope or curiosity for who he was and what was he doing here. But the woman dragged the young girl away further and he shook his head before continuing to run after the tower sergeant and the rest.

They arrived at the back of a building that was only a few yards away from the headquarters, but the entrance collapsed of all the commotion. The tower sergeant didn't have to say anything for they all started clearing the rubble as soon as they got there. by that time Attaris had a whirlwind of thoughts troubling him, thoughts of the gates he observed when they were entering, which were in such a poor condition they probably wouldn't be able to take more than a few hits before falling apart, the poorly equipped soldiers, who didn't seem to have a blacksmith or anyone else capable of professionally taking care of their equipment in the fortress, and last, but not least, the civilians who were still running around, though in much lesser numbers. Why the hell would they leave innocent people in a fortress? If you could call this a fortress…

They finally cleared the rubble and the tower sergeant entered what was supposed to be a weaponry with four of the 'scouts' following him. Timid Orifiel continued staring at the soldiers who gathered in the fortress yard and into a line formation. Att saw the archers on the walls preparing their quivers and bows, checking their arrows while a number of brave soldiers rushed up the stone stairs to form a line, like a human wall in front of the archers. Every soldier stood next to his designated archer in a pretty organized manner and it took them but a few seconds to be fully ready for an assault. Attaris concluded that they must've been fighting for so long it became sort of a routine to them. He nudged Orifiel in and stepped after her when he heard the man in the watchtower shout 'Four hundred yards!'' He looked at the yard's defense line and saw a figure walking behind them.

It was the gates sergeant. He was wearing small plate armor, the kind optimized for quick buckling, but which didn't provide as much cover as the full plate armor. ''Brothers!'' he started with a firm tone like a true leader, ''This may be our last battle…'' he said as he walked in front of the defense line and faced the gates, after which he finished, ''BUT WE WON'T LET THE BASTARDS WIN WITHOUT A FIGHT!''

The watchtower man shouted ''Three hundred yards!'' and Attaris snapped out, quickly jumping through the door of the armory. The image of the gates sergeant continued to wobble in his mind as he was sure that he saw the man before… but he didn't have time for that. He walked up to the tower sergeant and Malachi who were right next to the door. After a brief observation of the armory, they concluded that they didn't have much choice when it came to weapons.

''This is all that is left.'' said the tower sergeant, rubbing his dark beard while doing so, ''Take whatever you think you are able to wield and if there is no such thing, take the first thing that you get your hands on.'' The walls were full of half-empty weapon racks and the weapons gracing the rare filled spots were but simple swords, spears and axes. A small number of shields was left laying around too.

There was a pile of weapons lying the corner to their left, and Malachi sent a questioning look to the tower sergeant. ''None of our soldiers can wield those weapons, some of them we never saw before. They were confiscated when we fended off some rogues.'' Malak nodded and simply approached the nearest rack from which he took a sword and a shield, after which he grabbed a sturdy chainmail shirt to cover himself with. Sera, who was silent the whole time, checking out the room, noticed a large wooden spear which she preempted along with some javelins that were tucked in a simple quiver and thrown away on the ground next to the spear rack, and then she ran off after Malachi.

Cass followed the tower officer who strode to the other end of the room and watched him grab a double-edged greataxe. He followed his lead, snagging whatever was in the rack in that dark corner at the moment and sprinted out of the armory, taking a chainmail suit on the way out. He ran right past Requiel, who stood next to the exotic weapons stand with Att and Ori.

She snitched something, let out a satisfactory ''Muahaha!'' and flew out the room. Att looked at Ori and noticed her shaking. The rattling of the weapons inside and outside the room must've been frightening to her as her slim, frail, but no less attractive body shivered like a leaf on the wind. She couldn't help herself, she cried bitterly and placed her head on Attaris' chest. He was somewhat taken aback, surprised by the sudden outburst of emotions, and it took him a few moments to clumsily pat her on the back. ''Uhm… I know it's hard for you, but they need us outside… we have to help them.''

Orifiel let go of his robes slowly, sobbing, and it was then that he noticed how ridiculous they looked wearing them. He found them some chainmail shirts to cover themselves with and then turned to the weapons pile in front of them. ''I can't find anything you'd be able to use'' he said thoughtfully, clearing away some of the weapons that looked simply ridiculous. He turned around and suddenly he saw her carrying a scythe.

''Whoa! Are you sure you'll be able to use that?'' he asked, for it was indeed a big scythe for a small girl like her. ''I don't know why'' she said ''but this is the only thing that is familiar to me.'' Attaris was still a bit surprised, but he suddenly saw something he found familiar himself. There, right under some metal throwing stars and funny looking axes laid a bow. He uncovered it from the mess, and was happy to see that it was, in fact, a great longbow, five and a half feet in height. He pulled the string and found himself pleased by it's strength. He grabbed a rather large quiver filled with common arrows and a strange sabre-like weapon he liked for some reason, and walked out of the armory leading Ori by her hand.

He turned to her and spoke ''Listen, stay close to me. I promise I won't let anything happen to you.'' She just nodded, and as they walked across the yard he thought to himself One day that hero complex will kill me'' as he shook his head.

The chaos in the yard settled a bit as the women and children were now relatively safe, and the sargeant in front of the defense line saw Attaris looking at him and smiled slightly almost unnoticeable as Att ran up the rough stone stairs wich led up on the walls while leading Orifiel by her hand. Now Attaris observed to find the other members of his party, finding most of them on the collapsed southern wall, and the only one who he didn't locate was Malachi. He swept over the whole fort yard, but it was when Orifiel shook his chainmal vest sleeve and pointed at the defense line behind the sergeant that he saw him. He would never recognize him as he blended with the soldiers perfectly because of their almost identical equipment. Malachi snickered and saluted Attaris lightly when suddenly the watchman shouted ''Get ready'', causing Attaris to turn around as if struck by lightning… and he couldn't believe his eyes.

Demons. Demons with four, six or even more limbs, from two to eight feet, some of them armed and some of them so ferocious the observer actually realizes they're actually extremely deadly even without any weapons, they were all crossing the very large meadow between the forest and the fort, filling the clearing with their great numbers. It didn't appear as if they had a leader to Att, but they seemed prepared and somewhat organized because they didn't attack immediately, but they were waiting just outside the range of a soldier's bow, teasing, shouting, growling, thumping the ground with their legs and almost humanoid hands, daring the men on the walls to make the first move.

If they weren't ugly, with horns and cracked terrifying skin one could actually think that they were facing humans out there, but only barely, and the observer should have a terrible eyesight to conclude that. They are still not moving… why?

===//\\===

===\\//===

Cass: ''I can't believe it!''

Req: ''Oh stop whining already! We're going to be slaughtered by a fucking legion of freakin' demons, and all you can do is squeal like a girl!''

Cass: ''Well I'd love to see you with chainmail pants running up your soft arse!''

Req: ''It's your fault you have an ass big enough for three and an ego to match.''

Cass: ''Why you little…''

Sera: ''ENOUGH!''

Cassiel opened his mouth to speak again, but the tower sergeant had risen his hand and all three of them continued to be silent. Cassiel wanted one last growl at Requel, but Sera smacked him across the back of his head, making his wannabe growl actually a low-toned grunt.

There was a loud growl in the distance that started mixing with the howls and cries of both human and inhuman nature.

''The assault on the front walls has already begun. No doubt they will send some troops to try and breach this side. Our men on the walls will make things easier for us by pouring a rain of arrows on them and thin their numbers a bit.'' The sergeant signaled his men who were positioned behind them and they spread out strategically through the fallen wall to make the best use of their surroundings, while the sergeant himself and the other three settled down behind a corner of a building that was most likely to survive the upcoming assault.

He readied his axe that was holstered on his back, crouched to peek around the corner and waited and Cassiel approached the corner with his axe already in hands. Actually one hand. Sergeant's axe was a double-edged greataxe, whose weight itself would kill a man if it was to be left to fall on his head, but Cassiel wasn't so lucky. In a hurry he grabbed a small, one edged woodcutting axe small enough to be used in one hand, and it looked simply ridiculous by itself, not to mention puny when compared to Cassiel's size. He frowned when he compared the two and grunted yet again, disappointed. Requiel laughed. ''Boys and their toys. Always replacing their physical deficiencies with all kinds of objects…''

Cassiel roared at Req but was interrupted by a soldier's outcry. ''They're attacking!''

And so it happened, screams, growls and screeches of the abominations sounded like they were right next to the listener, hurting the eardrums and pouring fear as the ones who screamed ran between the soldiers on the line of impact. Blood spurted and painted the demons red along with the old remains of the wall that once stood there proudly and mixed with the dust that was soon treaded over by vicious creatures of the dark, the excerpts of mankind's worst nightmares gathered to chop and slice human flesh, rip out limbs from their sockets and crush bones as if they were made of butter. Desperate bleats, caterwauls and cries of the soldiers that were unfortunate enough to be found at the wrong end of the enemies' weapons were soon overpowered by the demons' howls growls and foul outcries… such was the fate of one of the soldiers at the first line of impact.

Some of the soldiers actually managed to hit the demons, but they didn't seem to care for the cold steel in their bodies, they continued to march through, waving and hitting the soldiers away with their monstrous hands. A brave soldier hit the ''knee'' of one of the four-legged creatures with a humanoid torso and spider-like legs and the creature just continued screaming as before, but it reached out and grabbed the poor soldier's head by his face, screamed to him and shook him until the spine in his neck was such a mess it cracked with every move… and the soldier was dead. The creature threw him towards the only building still standing at the walls like a torn tissue, making the corpse crash into the walls, sounds of broken bones and some yet breaking fulfilling the chilling symphony of death that played out on the battlefield.

Cassiel was overrun by bloodlust, without thinking he jumped forward with the axe in his hand, and though he seemed like he lost control it wasn't totally true. He managed to align his hits in a constant motion, evading and hitting the vital spots at the same time. It looked as if war was his game, his passion and life, for his breath was slow and strong and his strikes were true, going through an enemy's knee, neck, eyes and elbows, he seemed to adapt to every enemy and instantly notice the weakness and he had stricken without caring and holding regrets, planning or holding back. He was a man of war. And his intuitive movements and slices were a definite sign of that.

Requiel observed the scene with one eyebrow risen and one hand resting on her hip. ''Damn, seems like barking is not the only thing that dog can do.'' Seraphine just gave her a weird look, but they both snapped out when the sergeant pounced out of their shelter and charged at the demons that sprinted towards them. His war axe was much better suited for crippling, dismembering and killing demons than Cassiel's woodcutting axe, even though Cass used it remarkably well. Sergeant's axe did the same job as Cassiel's, except it went through demon armor and skin like they were made of silk and wrecked much, much more havoc between the demon attackers. He chopped off a leg, an arm, cut a feral beast in half and then massacre it until you couldn't recognize it, which made the two women walking forward gag. They were willing to battle, but that was just too much. Req finished equipping her gloves with blades on the forearms and grabbed her sword and Sera held her spear tightly, her sword holstered safely at her hip. They ran after the sergeant side by side, watching the other's back…

===//\\===
===\\//===

''They have breached the gates!''

The weak front gates that were keeping the inside of the fort isolated fell after the fourth hit with a loud thud, cracking and falling apart under the weight of the battle ram. It was indeed a battle ram in it's full demoniacally twisted meaning, a minotaur-like 18 feet high abomination with dark haired bottom part of the body, looking like that of a normal minotaur – strong legs with hooves instead of feet with reverse knees sending chills to a man's bones when one stood next to it, and it's upper part being human with gray hair covering it's huge arms with long fingernails and the naked torso. The abnormal thing on the upper part was the head, which was that of a ram. The great white horns that were twisted to behind and beyond it's ears were glistening in the light and didn't make it look any more dangerous.

At the same time the men on the walls were struggling to keep the demons off the gates, and the demons slowly started falling in mid-charge, struck by the arrows of the desperate bowmen that swallowed their fear and gave up hope for their own lives so their arms wouldn't shake and they thoughts stayed clear. It was a luxury for a ranged fighter to think of anything else except the fight at hand. Some of the demons managed to reach the walls, but they had nowhere to go. The soldiers were organized well and had almost no blind spots through which the demons could pass unnoticed, and usually they either tried to run up the walls and end up with their arms and heads chopped off or blinded by a light hissing sound of metal slicing the skin and bones.

Attaris didn't really know what or how he was doing. Hooking the arrows and sending them flying over to his target seemed almost natural to him and with every arrow he felt more sure of himself as his accuracy increased almost exponentially. He found the way the bowmen were firing somehow wrong, and he ordered them to lift their elbow higher when drawing the bow. Transferring the weight of the draw to the trapezium muscles, the hand shakes less. He launched another arrow and hit a strange spider-like demon in it's back, to see but a small battalion of little spiders coming out of it.

He was about to warn the men of the spidery threat when the ''mother'' spider started screaming and throwing her own offspring off her. Mindless beasts attack whatever is in their grasp! He ordered the men to shoot the spiders, and soon the attacking forces began to thin, falling because of the new way of shooting the bowmen applied and their successfulness at triggering the walking bombs – the spider carriers. The men at the walls had less work to do now, since it was rare or a demon to even come close to the walls, let alone manage to climb what was now a small hill of demon corpses and reach the walls themselves. The beasts had enough trouble dealing with the rampaging spiders since they didn't pose a real threat, but were rather a nuisance.

While the footmen defended the archers and cleaned up the top of the walls of corpses of both demons and of the unfortunate men that were crushed, ripped apart and those that died due to a blood loss caused by their limbs being cut off and pulled out of their sockets fiercely, Attaris turned around to see how did faired the men in the yard against the gigantic monster that was one of the few who actually made it into the courtyard.

Along with a few dead demons there were injured and incapacitated footmen lying around in most painful and unbelievable positions, surely because the giant and still living ram threw men around like a rabid kid throws toys around and piled them up against the walls, crushing them with ease. It was a great relief the men on the walls managed to held most of the demons out of the fort, as the men in the fort had only one monster to deal with.

The gates sergeant ran around the beast, making a diversion for the other soldiers to hit him on the knees and above his hooves. But the ram-headed minotaur couldn't care less for the hits that felt like needles stinging him, he grabbed another poor soldier, took a swing and threw him to the other end of the courtyard, making him hit the door of their headquarters. Right after that he swiped the gates sergeant off the ground and brought him up, then clamping him between his two giant hands and started crushing him by sheer strength. As soon as the ram roared at the sergeant one of Attaris' arrows zapped through the air and went right into the eye of the beast.

The gargantuous animal roared wildly and let go of the sergeant, covering it's eyes in what one could identify as fear. Malachi took the opportunity to climb up one of it's legs, turn around it and go up it's back, grabbing for it's fur to help him move while avoiding it's giant arms it used to wave around, desperately trying to keep the small people away while trying to cover her eye at the same time. In the vigorous convulsions that started to happen it hit a wall of the building that was reinforcing the walls, collapsing the whole wall in one hit. It even stepped on one of the soldiers before the poor man could evade the hoof which was the size of two humans placed next to each other.

Malachi made it up the mino-ram's back and threw his helmet away since it was only narrowing his vision now. He fell on his chest when the beast stumbled and he brought his sword under it's chin. He pulled the blade over the skin… but there's no blood! The skin is too hard! He panicked… He wouldn't move away in time… One of it's hands is going to squash him right on it's back!

Another arrow flew and pierced the fierce beast's other eye, blinding it totally. it instinctively covered it's bleeding eyes with it's hands, roaring from the bottom of it's throat like when a person tries to cry, but is running out of air to scream with. Malachi knew this was the time to act. He got up, turned his sword upside down and pushed it straight through the neck of the animal, making it appear on the other side and causing the blood to spurt like at a butcher's shop. He moved the sword around, crushing the spine which now popped out of the wound and cutting the veins to make sure that the beast will die. The soldiers heard the ram choking on it's own blood, gurgling the dense red fluid through it's mouth and finally heard it fall on the ground, face first.

The gates sergeant approached Malachi and the beast and kicked the beasts limp body to make sure it's dead. He then looked at panting Malachi and Attaris up on the walls shooting the demons and smiling with each arrow that he let fly, and then laughed. He pat Malachi on the back and said ''That's how people survive: by trusting each other and watching each other's backs.'' Malachi watched the sergeant walk to the other end of the fort to help tend to the wounded and then looked at the kid that played Robin Hood on the walls. I don't know what to think about this kid… there is something strange about him…

Attaris looked left and right to see how the archers are doing, and he wasn't too pleased with the sight. In the first wave the demons managed to wipe out about half of the footmen that were guarding the archers, and now their bodies laid around the dilapidated walls, slowly painting them red with their blood. He turned to Orifiel and saw her shaking like a leaf.

''Ori, are you alright?'' Nothing, she just continued shaking her head as her ruffled and bloodstained robe glued to her skin, emphasizing her female attributes under the bloody cloth that covered it. Att ran out of arrows, so he went on collecting those that were left by the newly departed archers who didn't make it to fire all of their arrows.

He dodged a few bone projectiles fired by the anorexic skeleton-ish creatures that ran towards the fort and threw their bones like javelins, which were immediately followed by oversized grasshopper-type demons pouncing towards the walls.

''ORIFIEL, LOOK OUT!''

One of the grasshopper demons flew to the walls and his trajectory was right over Orifiel. Attaris blinked and though how he failed at his promise to protect her but there was something that left him watch in awe. Orifiel grabbed her scythe with one hand and she spun diagonally, cutting the demon in half through it's whole length with her scythe and the demon's flying corpse continued along it's way to the ground, hitting it with a weak ''thud''.

Att' eyes widened as he watched her shake, but no longer shake in fear as she did, but in some weird and sinister manner. That shaking was accompanied by giggling, which turned into sniggering and tittering, and finally into a throaty maniacal laughter.

She screamed, then laughed again, letting her scythe fall to the ground as her long, dark hair which was glued at some places by dried blood waved on the wind that was stronger on the top of the walls where they stood.

She looked at Att, and it was just then that he noticed how the colors of her eyes were inverted now, right eye now being aquamarine blue and left eye now being emerald green. He raised his bow and put an arrow in place. He drew the arrow slowly, not caring for the familiar voice calling him from the courtyard, he took is aim and fired.

===//\\===

===\\//===

Seraphine suddenly stopped running to the northern end of the fort because there was something happening on the walls. Att aiming at Orifiel???

''Attaris, what are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?''

Not a tick on his face. The arrow flew, passed Ori's ear by an inch, went right next to the soldiers that were forming the defense line on the walls and hit the demon that was attacking a soldier on the far side of the line. She saw Ori following the arrow's course with her eyes to see the dead demon and the grateful soldier saluting Att, and then the loud giggling continued.

Sera shook her head and ran off to the barn that was next o the building that was demolished by the giant ram's hoof. She let out a sigh of relief and opened the barn door when a giant fork flew by her head.

''Are you crazy?! I'm here to protect you you idiots!''

The door soon opened and there was a skinny, poorly equipped soldier opening the door. He apologized constantly as they walked to the improvised bunker made of flour sacks on the other side of the barn.

''No demons entered this safehouse, and I intend to keep it that… AAARGH!''

He didn't get to finish the sentence, his chest was run through by a crude narrow shovel. The women and children hat were hiding and observing from the ''bunker'' screamed, which didn't help Sera at all. She grabbed a rather large sickle from the wall so she could defend herself from close range, seeing how her spear was a bi long for the space she was in. As soon as she turned around so her back was against the wall she heard a shushing and clicking sound, from which she concluded that it was the same thing that killed Chief. But there was a second hiss, somewhere above her.

She backed away from the wall and she took a defensive stance, only to roll to the side a second after because it tried to pounce her from behind. She threw a small javelin directly at the creature and it passed right through it, making it look even more translucent. It seemed as if only his claws were solid and his eyes were glowing with a dark, bloody red color that gave out the suffering of the poor souls trapped inside the being. It screeched and took a swing at her again, the screams of the being in front of her mixing with the throaty yells of the similar being behind her and a third kind of screams coming from the outside… a girl's screams.

===//\\===

===\\//===

The long-legged demons continued to fly towards the walls over the small hills of demon corpses that were quickly falling apart but their flights were always cut short, whether they were hit by a skillful archer's arrow, a footman's sword or Ori's scythe, and some of them even slammed into the walls, aiming their trajectory a bit too low. A few sliced demons later Ori slammed her hand on the wall ridge which fell to dust under her sudden strength. She took a handful of dust rock and started to run it between her fingers while Attaris watched, taking down a grasshopper now and then. She turned her back on the waves of demons that kept coming and clutched her head, screaming in pain, agony… anguish. There was a grasshopper going right for her and when Att saw it, it was too late…

He hurried to set an arrow flying when the demon reached her, and another overturn happened. Pointy branches sprung out her back, stopping the demon in place by piercing it. It convulsed a bit before being torn apart like he was made of gello, it's insides flying through the air and most of it ending on the outer side of the wall.

Those branches continued growing and growing and Attaris backed away, scared by the almost living branches that grew out of his friend's back. They soon formed what looked like a skeleton of wings, great wings, about four and a half feet each. The blood dripped off the wood slowly, and Attaris could swear he saw some of the blood being absorbed in it. As the blood disappeared leaves began to grew out on the branches slowly but surely all the blanks and empty spaces were covered by strong green leaves.

She didn't wait for the leaves to grow to the end, she grabbed another handful of stone dust from the wall and clapped with both hands full of the sandy matter. It poofed through the air and she followed it down with her hands as it landed on the cold stone. She slowly started rising her arms and the ground started shaking. The soldiers were alarmed but the sturdy stone walls held on through to see something that could be considered miracle… or dark magic.

The ground in front of the walls fell in and a part of solid stone was revealed. It was as if all the ground fell through it, leaving only the solid white bodies to exist without impurities. She took a swing she swayed to the left, a dance of death over a dead archer's corpse, her fists clenched and opened and closed, it was all death. Death killing death and nothing more. The stone bodies that appeared were actually huge calculus hands, moving as the hands of their master did. They mimicked Orifiel's moves without any failing, their foes found themselves crushed and swept away, gone in a single clap, like mosquitoes… And it was both wonderful and frightening. Her voice melted into a deep distorted chorus, like it was a voice from another dimension speaking and static razzled through the air with it.

''What's wrong, miss the little frightened Orifiel? You liked me more when I was cute and scared?''

He didn't answer. He just observed how that once tender and fragile girl now enjoyed the massacre before her. And you couldn't say what was the greater horror, the battle itself or the little girl, almost a woman, murdering demons like bugs and singing ''Devil is a loser and he's my bitch...'' in her loud, crispy, hell chorus voice...


''For better or for worse and you don't care which!''

All that power… maybe I should use my powers as well? It would surely give us an edge in this battle… but what if I go mad like she did? What if I start killing innocents and our own people? Damn, there is no time! What should I do???

*AND I'M PROUD OF IT. :-P

====================
====================

Sorry for the wait, finally here's the next chapter, and it's a big one. Very Happy I couldn't make it any smaller since the lines I used are extremely long. Now, what should Attaris do? Use the For... I mean the power or not? Maybe something in between? Suggestions people,suggestions! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Even for such a long chappy, it seemed forced and rushed. A lot of things going on at once for six people and then various supporting characters. Need to fine tune the "pushing the chapter" thing you like to do and maybe do that by condensing some things. You do lurid descriptions well and that's okay to put someone in the feel of the story, but for every little thing can get sometimes distracting. Also, the more you try and split of the points of view, the less connected the reader feels to your main characters, because for the sake of equality, you're trying not to delve too deep with one more than the other.

Don't be discouraged. Use this to help you. It's a fantastic story idea and you have the talent to write it, you just need some tweaking with the translation and transfer from Croatian to English because the way some things fit and turn out to be can mess up the original meaning you had intended and that confuses your reader and can change an important point in the story.

(However, nice battle descriptions. Smile)

Now that the nitpicking is done Wink, the DP: Nah. Attaris is a smart one and of course he's going to hold all his cards until he absolutely has to show them. Ori is on his side so he should be grateful and keep fighting like he is.
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Lil', I really appreciate that comment. I didn't want to make it seem rushed though... *thinking pose* I'll try and deal with it in the next chappy. Very Happy Thanks again!
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*rates the chapter 'Made of Win'* That was fantastically epic! *does a dance* Ori's gone crazy! Ori's gone crazy! Laughing

I say Att uses the power!

*waits patiently for next chappy*

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well...at the risk of sounding redundant, it was very long, and it did have a very jerky, rushed, disjointed feel to it. It was like you wanted to be everywhere at once, and while it is possible to do this, you need to be more focused, delving deeper into what is most important and kinda skipping the extra. The barn scene, I feel, could have been left out, as the focus of this chappy seemed to be Ori and her grasp of her abilities (which i feel her madness is but temporary, and should go after the battle is over). The focus here should have been Att and Ori, with mention of the others from their point of view, if that was possible, otherwise, their dealings in the battle could have been recounted in the next chappy.

Read it through again, and you can see where another edit would be good also. To be honest Cy, I had a hard time reading all the way through and kept catching myself wanting to skip ahead to the next paragraph. Work on the focus of the chapter, and build around it and towards it.

The imagery was excellent, and I was able to envision the scenes with great clarity, which is awesome. so often i find myself reading and not visualizing. You did well in creating the visual in this chapter.

as for the dp...not all take to power the same. Att should accept his, and see how well he control it.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seeing as nearly all the critiquing has already happened, I shall stick to the non-helpful stuff.

*shakes head* Another great chapter, Cy. The action sequences were beautifully choreographed (not sure if that's the right kind of description, but you get what I mean). I really, really loved the last scene, what with Ori going crazy and all- just fantastic.

As far as the dp goes, I have to agree with Tramp, what with At using his power.

Well done!
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all! I'll be checking the chapter in the next few days in order to eliminate some excess descriptions and useless sub-plots, though the barn scene is important in another way, which would be shown in the next chapter, and I just don't know how to edit it in the way you all suggested, placing it all in one POV and describing others from there.

Still, I will try, and if you have any other suggestions I'll do my best to implement them before I leave for Amsterdam. Than you for your suggestions, and remember, using a power is not just a line between yes and no... Wink
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hhhmm.. I'm afraid I've got to disagree with not using other POVs. Other POVs being smaller, might be good but taking them out completely, I think, would make it lose tension.

This might just be me, but when I was reading the chappy and it skipped from one POV to the other, I wanted it to go back to the first one to see what happens. Equally when the second POV turned into another one I wanted to go back and find out what happened to the people I was just reading about. That made me read on more eagerly and made the whole thing more interesting. They do it on films too. They swap from one to the other so you keep watching because you want to find out what happened.

Also, getting a glimpse of everyone made it very actiony and fun. If, for example, the whole chap was to be written by Att's and Ori's point of view only it...wouldn't be the same. Partly because I'd guess it'd be hard for them to see exactly what was going on with everyone else as they'd be too busy concentrating on their own fight.

But as I said, that might just be me Laughing

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, that was my intention in the first place Tramps, to make you all eager and to make it look quick and more action-y to counter the long and detailed descriptions I tend to implement in my storytelling.

I would really like more people commenting on the matter of POVs, so please people post your opinions here. I know there's a whole bunch of you who didn't put your two cents in. Come on people, put your My 2 Cents in this box here --> Great or Treasured and post your opinions!
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think he should ues his power (although insane Ori probably wouldent leave any bad guys for him) but it would give them more of an advantage. mabey some one on the other wall should use it cause they seem to be a little lacking in defence over there (atleast give them a couple archers)

but anyway great so far very long Shocked but very good keep it up Cy
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

pacing = too fast
some language issues - you should maybe run your chapter by a mentor or mod before posting??

the characters had never met in the first hapters and now you have them reminisicing and chatting like they have known each other for milennia.. if this is a future plot reference then you need to word it a little better....

'i actually got lost betweenn character viewpoints.. 'who is he talking about now?' being the most common thought in my head...

** you based these characters on ppl so perhaps running stuff past them first would allow for more realistic character expression?**

I will do a full crit review if you want me too... jusst let me know Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As to the POVs, I did feel like I was trying to keep track of too many things at once, on the other hand it did create the kind of tension you were attempting. I would reccomend telling the story in to parts, first from the POVs of the people on one wall, and then from the POV's of the other wall. This would be much easier for your reader. On the other hand this would not generate the feeling you were trying to create. For me, that would be a trade off that I would have to make, although there are some authors in IF that are better at striking the balance between the two. One of them may be able to offer better advice.

One suggestion I got from a professor is to try and read your paper at least once for clarity from the audience's point of veiw. If you type your drafts on the computer, one trick to help you do this is to change the font and then don't read it until the next day. In your case, you should probably do this after you've translated it to English. It seems a little silly, but it might help you to see where something that seems simple and direct to the author, but is actually complicated for your audience because it assumes they understand something that is implied rather than stated. It may not work as well for you (especially since you're writing fiction), but it has helped me edit my research papers.

All in all, I really did enjoy you're chapter, and I look forward to whatever is coming next. For the DP, I F5 Lil. Attaris has seen how surprise can shift things during a battle and would want to keep something "in reserve" since the battle isn't over yet and, thanks to Ori, the tide seems to be in their favor.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on Cy wheres the next chapter I've been waiting like a good girl.

or have I Wink
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay guys, sorry for the delay! The poll is up, will be running for 10 days!

I promise the next chapter shall come only a few days after the poll is closed! Very Happy I'll get it nommed for SGotM or die trying! Gun

Lemme see what you think about this one. Beware, this one may alter Attaris' character greatly.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seems to me like all of you who've been reading have missed a little itsy-bitsy detail when it comes to Orifiel. Let me see if anyone will figure out what exactly is amiss... Wink
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hhhmm... I know I'm gonna get it wrong 'cos I'm not very good at these things Laughing

But...Is it that she could turn against anyone, including Att at any time?

I voted that he uses his powers 'cos it should be interesting...

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see what tramps saying and so i dont know what to pick so im going with random cant be wrong that way =p
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for voting people, but I still need a tie breaker! Mad

Don't worry, I didn't forget the story, I simply didn't get my net back. I'll post the next chapter as soon as the tie is broken and I get a few minutes of peace.

Now, please break the tie. Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... I'm lost for words. Shocked

It's beautifully written. The words flow well with the events, and everything that happens I can see in my mind... It's amazing. A great Sg, wormy.

The only thing I can complain about is that this seems a little too fast. You've thrown them into such a huge fight scene so quickly, and while it is a great piece in itself, it disrupts the flow of your plot. Makes it quite hard to pitch another war-scene later on in your SG. We as readers barely know anything at all, let alone the characters themselves.

My suggestion is release the information over a series of chapters, slowly and readily to ease out the plot. Don't dump it all out in the next chapter to make up for the abrupt war scene, otherwise it'll end up as a huge lump.

The character development is quite good, though. You're revealing each of their personalities slowly. I find it quite funny that someone like Requiel would be an angel. More like a succubus, if you ask me.

And, you do realize your poll has closed down with a tie of 3:3:0:1?

If it helps, I would've voted for him to use his powers. It'll help us readers get a deeper look into his personality, and the nature of their powers.
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Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Meanie, thank you a lot! Very Happy

I'd take this advice to heart, and I'll be writing the chappy in a few days, accounting your vote as well. Unfortunately my time's up so I can't write more but thank you all again for reading! Very Happy

See you in a few days!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMN

Boy am i sorry i didn't start this before.

Although i think i may have started it, ha to leave, than forgot how good it was a while back.

well I'm sorry that i didn't finish it.

I'm also very very sorry i'm up against you for SGOTM.

looking forward to the next chappie!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's ok DMW, RL's been a killer for all of us. Cool

Oh, and may the best SG win. Gun
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I thought so, they were planning to get rid of me for some time." Deveraux thought. "Nevertheless, I must play their game for now, or we are all doomed."..

So was all this thoughts? Or did he speak any of it outloud? You need something other then quotation marks to signify thoughts. Maybe italics?


Quote:
The most markable object in the room was the crescent table. It was placed so that the straight part was facing the wall, and the semi-circular part was facing the middle of the room, ruining the symmetry of the whole space.


A crescent is curved on its inner space concavely. It doesn't have a straight side. Maybe you just mean a semicircle?

Also, I assume you meant 'remarkable', not 'markable'. Unless your trying to express how easy it is to write on and deface the table.

Quote:
"... but why won't you let me see them?" she asked him with hope in her eyes. That hope was covered with tears, but it was still noticeable to their patron, Raphael.


See who? The people who have already signed? You don't make this clear.

Quote:
why was (raphael) acting so unnaturally?

Um, the whole situation is unnatural. I can't think of what it would mean to "act natural" in that situation. Nor would I expect it. For that matter, what would a guy with few memories know what natural behavior looks like to compare to?

Why didn't anyone bother reading what they were signing? That information would come in handy for both deciding whether to sign and deciding what to do afterwards. Maybe you could tell us what they signed to help with the DP?

(reading other chapters will have to wait till tomorrow)
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A thought. maybe you could have a list of protagonist characters and their physical and behavioral traits for readers to have a better time keeping track of them. They could keep the list open next to the story. Likewise abbreviating the names occassionally just makes it more confusing.

Quote:
She felt air flowing through the crack where the two walls connected. The air was so sweet, filled with both lust and grief, joy and terror, glee and despair.


I find it hard to believe all that came from a puff of air out of a crack of door. Anyways if it were that strong, I would think she would be overcome with it upon going through.

Quote:
Every angel except for Ori went on alert when the gunshot cracked through the air. Birds flew from the trees in panic, a few rabbits ran through the woods, caring little for the visitors who were watching them, from the clearing. All six of the newcomers were on alert

First part you say Ori didn't go on alert. Second part you say everyone was on alert.

Seems you might have wanted to have them observe those guys they came across when coming out of the tunnel or what ever. To find out how they behave when you aren't around.

Quote:
following the wall patterns so he isn't noticed.


How do you follow a wall pattern? I didn't follow this line.

Does the color change from red to black and back signify anything or is it like my separating of areas in my story to help people keep track of where they are in the story?

Quote:
they thoughts stayed clear


I'm guessing you meant "their thoughts stayed clear"

As far as the DP. If she seems to be holding well enough on her own, I'd say leave it. See what she behaves like after its all done.

The thing with with the priest putting on the leather coat, why? To look 'cool'? Also, why was that guy there with them so impressed by the leather coat. He didn't even know about the whole thing.

BTW, let me guess, your running this like a pen and paper campaign with these 6 guys. Well thats how it seems to read to me.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:05 am    Post subject: Ch4 - ''Imbued With Ice'' Reply with quote

Ch -4- ''Imbued With Ice''


The demons will soon break through, the defense line is weakening… we can barely hold them as is, and they still keep advancing yard by yard, shooting down our soldiers. I have no choice…

Attaris' thoughts were interrupted by a bone projectile, but he evaded it with grace and looked at now bloodthirsty Orifiel, whose fluid choreography almost mesmerized him. It seemed like there indeed was death in beauty, for the elegance of her moves was matched only by the death count that continued to rise as her stone hands crushed their foes.

What's with the streak of madness? She was so calm, timid actually… and now the power drove her insane! Who says it wouldn't do the same to me? But… wait a second… I never let her out of my sight, and I'm pretty sure she didn't say anything while we were up here… not a word. Could it be that…

Question, contrast, doubt, question… the only thing missing were the two answers his thoughts generated. He marched over a few corpses, looking only at Orifiel. An arrow or a bone projectile broke under his feet, but who actually cared? The cracking sound was lost in the thumping of the huge stone hands and the battle haze like a drop of water is lost beneath a lake's surface. She was like a butcher in the land of the pigs, the battlefield was her playground. And who was she anyway? She was neither timid nor gentle as Orifiel, her voice was filled with terrible pain, and it almost sounded male. A subtle click in Att's mind zoomed him back to reality as he pulled ''Orifiel'' by her shoulder. She screamed in rage, losing connection with the cold humongous hands which, in turn, fell to block the fort entrance.

Perfect timing! He dodged a swing of her hand, but he couldn't evade a kick in his stomach that sent him flying a few yards behind him.

''Come on, smartass… surely you must've seen it coming!''


''Yeah (cough cough), I've seen it.''

He slowly rolled to the side and stood up, dusting himself off.

''Listen… this might sound a bit bad but… you're a menace.''

''Oh? And I suppose YOU will do something about it?''

She flicked her hand from the elbow and a piece of wall broke off and flew by them, smashing the head of one of the few surviving archers. He literally ''dropped dead'' like a rag doll.

''NOW THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR! STOP!''

She launched another rock, and then another, and another, and you could see the fury in Att's eyes… Righteous rage? Maybe, but definitely rage. He dashed forward, ignoring the throbbing pain in his gut, running over corpses and feeling how the warmth in his legs made them shake, though unnoticeably for anyone else. He shouted his name, which then turned in a throaty scream, and then there was a flash of light.

Blood. Blood dripping down and pouring through the coulisses in the light, cold stone. Attaris stood where Orifiel was, but… did he kill her? No… he lifted her off the ground by her neck, which seemed painful but also looked as if he didn't break it on purpose, like he retained his control in the sudden burst of light and energy. She wriggled in the air, trying to catch her breath.

''(Hack) Bastard… not fair…''

That bastard was now feeling the power run through his legs, his arms… oh, and there was an addition to his physique – a great pair of translucent icy wings. They were glorious, even though they were red with his own blood that poured down and soaked the dust on the ground beneath him. His skin, which was naturally pale, now had a dark shade of blue which was imbued with ice. It spread through the pores of his skin, emphasizing itself on his neck and digging into his cheeks, and his eyes, which were pulsing with heat from the outburst of rage moments ago were now frosty, emanating vapor around their edges.

''I can see why you like this…'' he said, making a fist with his left hand and then releasing. ''But I still can't let you kill them all.''

She shook, but it was because of the dampened laughter. ''Oh really? And since when was I the enemy number one?'' She just pointed over the walls - the demons weren't marching towards the fort in such great numbers anymore, but were instead running away from it, with only a few of the most furious and dangerous beasts still dashing towards them. He threw her forward and leaned over the walls to assess the situation, and when he figured that they were relatively safe he turned his head and looked at her.

What a mess… All this… friends, foes, and especially the ones in between. It shouldn't be this complicated. Why do I have the feeling something is not right? Demons? I read about them… where? My past life was filled with… Oh how my head hurts…

He mustn't show weakness, she is too unstable. Though her role in saving the fort was arguable he couldn't resist his curiosity, since every question has an answer he was content to get some answers. There were just too many questions, and the battle was fading. He frowned, but smirked lightly just to make her tilt her head in confusion.

''Who are you, witch? And how did you gain all that power without saying your name?''

''What? Witch?'' She looked at herself and then at the fleeting hordes of demons. ''Well… this is interesting…'' She stroke her waist and thighs with her left hand while reclining against her right and then giggled girlishly, with the deep tone of her voice preserved. ''Do you really think that the childish yelling of your name is actually necessary, rugrat? Just think about it - I managed to break free without any hocus-pocus or names, now why would anyone want you to say your name every time you want to use your powers?''

Rugrat? That is new. But she is somewhat right... I felt the power going through me even before I said my name, and I think I could even transform without saying it. And why would Raphael want us to go through with it every time? His mind flashed back to the image of them signing the contract. There was something strange in Raphael's eyes, maybe guilt, or even sadness. What was so wrong in what they did? Or perhaps it was something he did?

Another flash and he was back in reality, and he realized he was watching ''Orifiel'' caress herself the whole time (sliding her hand over her loins, stomach and chest), and just when he was about to fight the her hypnotic effect she raised her hand. The rock underneath his legs came alive, looking almost liquid-ish, and it started climbing up his leg and pressing him so hard he couldn't move his legs a quarter inch, no matter how he tried - the force that kept it together was simply too strong. In the sudden realization of his gullibility and the limits of his powers he panicked, fear making him try to crush the stone with his hands… which didn't work. The stone was under her control, and it was too powerful, making her power was even more obvious in the way it was ascending up his waist and pressing his organs. He was about to curse and yell at her when he saw her sweat.

Sweat, drool… Of course! His hands were quicker than his thought, and by making a pretty circular move from the wrists he froze her sweat. The majority of the human body contains water… He grinned inwardly when he figured how deadly that realization was, and that in this world knowledge literally was power. She squeaked at the tingling sensation of cold that ran through her skin but more importantly she lost control of the rocks that were pressing Att's chest and were about to reach his head. Attaris chuckled, which sounded almost as sinister as Orifiel's screams.

''Now…'' he said almost whispering, whispy vapor flowing through his teeth and between his cold, cold lips. ''Who are you witch?'' There was no response from her, she just spat in front of him and tried to shoot him with a wooden arrow. He saw it coming from the corner of his eye and dodged it smoothly. Controlling earth AND wood? I guess it makes sense.

''Don't make me beat it out of you, trickster.''

''Trickster? You flatter me! But you wouldn't hurt a lady now, would you?''


Attaris sighed and shook his head in disbelief. She totally lost it.

''Just stop this madness and return to the human form. Or whatever the ''normal'' look is. We'll talk about this later.''


She made her lips pouty and flapped her eyelashes. ''And what if I decide to stay in this lovely angelic body and wreak more havoc?''

He then looked at her and said, deadly serious – ''Then I would have to beat you up first, and then ask you some questions when you become conscious again.'' She suddenly started clapping childishly, she squeaked in delight with a wide smile stretching her lips before looking at him strangely, radiating something between lust and madness.

''Show me what you've got, popsickle!''

She threw a rock at his head, but he managed to smash it in mid-air with a piece of ice he lunged from the puddle underneath the rock's trajectory. Dust filled the air around him, blocking his vision, when she suddenly threw a punch from behind the powdery wall.

***

Seraphine was getting tired of all the evading. With her short temper and a very great disliking for people (or demons) who play with their victims that she couldn't quite explain her concentration was failing rapidly. She had to kill the creatures or else they would kill her and the civilians, and she had to kill them fast because her chances were getting thinner by the second. The only question that posed now was ''how?''. She observed their movements, but barely tracked them as they shifted through the darkness, and the darkness alone. The barn was fairly big, so the shiftings were almost unnoticeable for the whole of their bodies blended in the dark surroundings with ease, except for their eyes.

This is suspicious. Not only they hide in the dark, but they seem to avoid lights of any kind. They'd kill me before I even got to the barn door, so opening them or just getting help is out of the question. Fuck.She skimmed around with her eyes, looking for anything that could help her. Anything at all. A shush to her left and above her, cracking in the corner, but she needed light! While jumping to the side to avoid a flying slash of one of the creature's claws she caught a glimpse of some light far up near the beams, a small oil lamp that was hanging about 30 feet above her and faintly illuminating the area around it.
Not exactly the kind of light I've been looking for, but I could make use of it… oh yes…

She glanced at the ''bunker'' behind her to see if all the people were safe and when she looked away from the misery and fright that hovered on the faces of old men, women and children she sticked her spear in the ground with one hand while pulling out a javelin with the other, raising it high to get a feel of it's weight and balance before swinging herself back and then forward into a dash, a stretch and the release of the javelin, all of which she'd done like a professional, an athlete.

She launched the javelin in an almost straight line and it hit the lamp, making the burning oil splash around the hay that was lying around and ultimately spread on the walls as well. The shadows never saw it coming, the walls caught fire too fast. As the flames licked their bodies the ghasts became solid and got burned, pieces of their scorched flesh became visible and floated in the air, though the rest of their bodies remained smoky and hollow while those almost humanoid, hollow shapes screeched and shifted around, trying to hide in the shadows that were now almost non-existent.

One of the civilians shouted ''Fire!'' and they all ran out of their hiding place, fighting for the way out of the burning barn. They seemed to see the murderous demons even better than Sera and they escaped them with primitive, crude efficiency while only being weary of the fire. ''Seems like to them it is better to be eaten by demons than burned... Idiots.'' When it seemed like all of the innocents were gone she grabbed a broken piece of wood that fell off the wall and fired it up against some hay, hoping to use it as a weapon, and it proved to be useful since the demons wouldn't approach her now that she could make them solid even for a moment by a swing of her new toy. Encouraged by this new way of defending herself she decided to attack, so she pulled out another javelin and fired it up.

At first she kept missing the beasts, who moved in zig-zaggish patterns that seemed almost random, but she soon saw a move of the beast that was closer to her and she threw a javelin to intercept it. The burned enemy was pinned to the wall, screaming and screeching it's lungs out. It jerked, it scratched the wall but alas, it was futile – the walls were burning closer and closer and soon it burned its hands trying to escape… and then the flames embraced it. In a fiery salvation (or damnation) it was consumed, leaving only dust and pieces of flesh to fall on the ground, the air around it being filled by an aura of lost souls that were now free from their supposedly eternal torment… But there was still another ghast in the barn.

The crackling sound was coming from everywhere, the auditive irritations of burning wood were mixed with the demon's own voice and making it difficult for Sera to think. She walked around the center, daring it to come out and attack, and she took her spear again to heat the tip while still holding the burning piece of wood in her other hand. She slowly circled her way to the center, moving as if she was sneaking and kept sweeping around with her eyes, searching for a floating piece of burned flesh or the glowing, bloody red eyes that were sure to keep haunting her in her sleep in the next few nights.

There was a whisper near her ear, a chuckle above her, even a woman's scream from somewhere and the flames kept flashing in her vision, making it hard to see through the darker areas. There was an overload of sensations, all senses on edge, even her taste buds shriveled at the taste of smoke that acidulously streamed down her tongue. So uncomfortable, like an itch you can't reach. All her sensors blended as the temperature started to rise, the climax of distractions imminent, concentration falling rapidly and… It's there! Above her!

She pushed the burning wood through the demon's chest as it was falling onto her and jumped to the side so it would end it's flight on the ground next to her feet, rather than her. She watched her squirm in agony and reach out for her, blood dripping off her claws and pain exploding in her eyes while all of her muscles twitched, convulsed and cramped uncontrollably. She, for the figure seemed feminine, had something deep behind those red eyes – she was trying to say something but she couldn't because of her demonic disfigurations. What was it? ''Thank you''? ''Kill''? ''Save me''? Whatever it was, it was quickly extinguished by the fire and a mist of lost souls streamed between the hay straws, like a slow fog early in the morning.

Sera was panting, happy to finally be able to catch some breath, when there was another crackling. She didn't think, no time for that, instead she spun her spear, it's tip still glowing red with heat, crouched and pushed it behind her in a half-spin. She felt something soft being stabbed through and when she looked behind her eyes suddenly widened and her pupils shrunk, and in that moment she could feel her heartbeat drumming in her head… Thum thum… The front of the light blue skirt got quickly soaked with blood, light red in color. Thum thum… The little girl didn't let a sound. Thum thum… Sera's soul, heart and conscience sank to her stomach as she backed away from the spear and the poor victim…

Thum thum.

What have I done?! I killed the girl! She looked at the bunker and saw a woman lying there in her own blood. The demons killed her mother… The woman's scream, I heard it but didn't realize… There was a trail of twigs, hay and every other kind of rubbish you could find in a barn laying on the ground. She tried to wake her mum… she was so scared… She took a few more steps back and she soon backed to a barn column, treading a thin border where guilt and depression meet. Both of those things were too strong to prevail, so she started crying bitterly. She had to sit down, and she covered her face with her hands as she whimpered faintly.

''I killed her… I killed the poor child… She was just looking for protection so she ran towards me. And I killed her…''

Something flew through the barn doors, breaking them into a thousand pieces, and it fell on the ground and continued to slide for a few more yards. Sera looked up but it was all a blur, watching through her tears. There were two figures, one lying on the ground, defeated and crushed and a fuzzy, intimidating and scary shape standing at the place where the barn doors were.

===//\\===
===\\//===

Attaris walked in, breathing slowly and deeply, feeling a bit faint from using a power that he recently divulged. The barn was burning, the smoke hovered about nine feet from the ground, and it appeared like it didn't have anywhere to go. Att saw Ori clearly though, and concluded that the crash must've knocked her out… but there were another two corpses in the barn. He dashed to the one that was lying near the center of the floor, the one in the light blue dress. He was shocked, speechless and on the edge of raging madness as he moved the hair from the girl's face to reveal her pale skin, whose only color came from the yellow-reddish glow of the flames around the barn walls. There was the woman that held her hand in the yard as well, killed in the same way as The Chief was, but what shocked him the most was the round hole in the child's chest and the bloody spear that was lying on the ground in the dirt and hay. He couldn't believe it… It was Sera's spear, he saw her come into the barn... Suddenly he heard her cry in the corner of the barn, sitting against a column.

''I didn't mean to… she came behind me… I thought it was one of the ghouls…''

Attaris turned his head to see Sera crying a river of diamond-shining tears, being eaten by her own guilt and conscience. He felt a tear freezing on his cheek as he walked furiously towards her, then grabbed her neck and lifted her a whole foot off the ground. His voice was turning deeper now, echoing and beating the eardrums and making you think that he was talking from the bottom of a well… or a river. His wings flapped now and then, crystal clear, and he emanated vapor at an accelerated rate, freezing the ground around him which slowly flown over the corpses, freezing them to the bone, and ascending up the walls until the whole barn morphed from a hellhole to a deep freezer. The whole of the room was so imbued with ice one would think the time stopped for it, corpses eternally preserved and the barn half-burned, but still adamant under the coat of ice.

But Att's mind wasn't as still as the room they were in. He yelled at her for being a murderer, as if she wasn't punishing herself enough, while the ice slowly fluxed through his arm and reached his fingertips, hurting Sera with the sudden cold and making the icy mist flow between his and her skin. He was almost completely out of her mind, his vision now tunneling and slowly devouring his ratio, his sanity.

''YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN MORE CAREFUL YOU RECKLESS, MURDEROUS LITTLE…! BAH! I SHOULD TAKE YOUR LIFE, SINCE YOU WERE FREE TO TAKE THE LIFE OF ANOTHER SO EASILY AND CARELESSLY!''

Sera gasped breathlessly, reaching out for him, trying to get some air. He was pressing too hard, and the icy cold touch of his hand hurt her badly, almost as bad as the feeling of her own guilt. She couldn't believe he went insane as well, it was bad enough that she was on the brink of madness herself and now he as well – the gentle one, the one who stood on the walls, on the first line of assault, for all the people that were hiding in the shelters now. But that is why she understood him completely. What was this dreadful world? She killed someone, and now he would kill as well. She felt the power inside him growing with his every fury-filled word, but she also felt that there was a struggle inside him. The powers that had taken his sanity struggled to dominate, as his mind was a strong one, and she felt it clearly. She tried to reach to him one last time before losing breath…

''I… (crackle)… didn't mean… I'm… sor…''

She looked in his eyes to see if there was any chance of him still being sane and able to stop this madness. And then she wondered if she even wanted to stop him. She killed an innocent, a child for that matter, and she didn't deserve to live anymore.

Attaris suddenly snapped, looked in her eyes blankly and then opened his mouth lightly, as if to moan. His icy eyes slowly turned normal again, going from the solid, deep blue color to a normal, human blue again. The ice on his face gently pulled back and his skin soon returned to it's normal pale white in place of the previous blue. The dark and sinister tone of his voice also faded away as he whispered to her, looking at himself in wonder.

''NO! What am I do...''

He quickly let her go before staggering back. She finally took a long-awaited deep breath and then panted, clasping and rubbing her neck because of the pain that was only worsened by the coughing while watching Att scream and squirm as his icy armor and wings pulled back into him until he fell down on the ground in his normal form and body, unconscious. She timidly approached him and ran her fingers through his pitch black hair, wiping her tears.

''You had every right to kill me but… damn you… Why do you tend to see good where nobody is looking? You are either a very good man or an idiot.''

There was no response from him, only the sound of his faint breathing reached her ears. She turned him on his back and suddenly one of the columns on the far end of the barn fell in.

''Let's get out of this shithole…''

She grabbed him under his arms and pulled him out the barn when Malachi and Requiel saw her. Req ran to her and checked Att's pulse, after which she let out a deep sigh.

''I saw the civilians running out, they got to the shelters safely. Seems like Att went through hell, he and Ori got into a huge fight.'' She pointed at the half-ruined walls and the stones and boulders that were lying around in pools of mud, the area around them looked almost as bad as the part beyond the gates, which held corpses of demons and fallen comrades. ''Speaking of which, one of the people that ran out of the barn told me you've got into a fight of your own. How did that end?''

''There were just two… things… like the one that killed Chief. I managed to burn them… but the barn also caught fire.''

''I see…''

Mal looked through the hole where the barn gates were and saw Orifiel's petite body lying on the ground. ''That bitch sure made one hell of a mess. I'm glad Att got her.'' Sera wasn't too happy with the tone of his voice, though she was glad he didn't see the dead mother or the child she accidentally killed. ''She… she isn't dead, just unconscious. We should get her out before the barn collapses.''

Mal looked up at the barn again, as if he was evaluating the situation. ''Nah.'' He holstered his sword and brushed away some dirt off his chainmail. ''If it were me I'd burn the witch. She killed many of our own and she's only a nuisance. I'm sure glad I didn't use my powers. Wouldn't want to end like that nutcase.''

Sera didn't know what to say. She knew that Mal had a point there, but she also killed one human with heat and steel today, and she couldn't afford to let another die in the cold. She leaned Attaris against the wall of a nearby building that was half-destroyed, and then ran into the barn with Req to bring Orifiel out. Malachi just shook his head and took a deep sigh, then crouched in front of unconscious Attaris. His eyes turned gray for a moment, then turned back to normal.

''Hmm…'' He frowned slightly, then tilted his head and decided to sit next to Att.

''You really are one strange kid. I'd kill the witch the moment she started turning nuts, but you held back the whole time.'' He looked at him and chuckled. ''But don't worry, I'll figure you out one day. ''

He sighed and turned his head to see the two girls that carried the unconscious and human-shaped Orifiel towards him.

===//\\===
===\\//===

It was pretty strange for Cassiel, the fortress, the situation and everything else, from people to clothes. Something felt terribly wrong, awkward, artificial. Plus, he was also acting strangely - first he was in such a bloodlust he thought he'd never get out of it, and now he was perfectly calm, dashing up the stairs of an old dusty tower, and the tower sergeant didn't even tell him why. ''You'll see'' was the only answer he received. Finally they got to a small wooden door with some support panels made of iron. The tower sergeant knocked on the door, then immediately opened them and rushed in.

''Kalamar you old trout, there's a major crisis out there! Stop fooling around and give me something I can use against the remaining abominations, or at least something to help my men kill the bastards!''

Cass followed him warily and entered what seemed like an old alchemical laboratory. Bottles, vials, stalls with burners and all sorts of pouches and jars with plants, animals and… well it seemed like human organs to Cassiel. There was a very, very old, fat wizard moving around a desk and working, actually switching between different sets of chemicals without any logical relation. The mage was dressed in a wide, dark red robes (which were obviously as young as the wizard himself) and wore a small pointy hat which looked quite ridiculous on the meaty mage.

''Quit yer yappin' bro! I've got the stuff right here, and I can tell ya, it's a BLAST!''

He grabbed a pouch from the top shelf, behind some old leather books and sturdy metal vials, opened it and spread some white powder on the table. He then quickly grabbed a straw and took some of that powder in his nose with a quick sniff.

''Whoa! I took the wrong pouch… but… Daaaamn this shit is good… You should try some, it'll relax you…''

The tower sergeant slapped the mage behind the back of his head.

''Stop fooling around you idiot! I'm not going to beat a legion of demons by getting them high on your stuff! Now what's with the Fireflies?''

''Y'know, I've been in this business for a long time, and I didn't get any dough for, what, 6 months? I'm doing no charity work here bro, a mage's got to make a livin'! I can't work on all the potions and stuff while I'm stressed, and guess what, I'm freakin' stressed because I'm broke! That's right! I can't even buy my herbs on the market anymore, I have to send my apprentices to pick flowers and plants for me instead! Most of the time the two good-for-nothings just go pick some 'shrooms and get high. Damn, even if I had money, we have no market anymore! If you could just let me work in peace for…''

The tower sergeant rolled his eyes and slammed on the table with his fist.

''Just… give me… the damned… FIREFLIES!''

The wizard's eyes widened.

''Well alright, alright… t'is cool… no need to get angry at the poor old Kalamar…''

He rubbed his gray beard that grew on his fat chin to clean the unidentified white powder, straightened up his robes and then waddled up to the cupboard that was resting next to a window. He shuffled around his pockets until he found a small key which he used to open the cupboard, and then picked up a small box with extreme care, as if holding an infant, small and fretful.

''Listen serge'nt, these babies are really dangerous, and by that I mean deadly. The name 'Flies I've given 'em is just a name, they don't use fire or explosive stuff to kill, and they sure ain't flies! They are actually a modified form of…''

''I don't care, you old geezer. Just tell me how to use the stuff and I'll be on my way!''

Cassiel skimmed his eyes over the various objects in the room, from old books and ingredients to living animals in cages and boxes, but what really bothered him was the feeling of being alive he got when he entered the room. It wasn't for the fumes, nor it was the stale air, but it was as if he was dreamy, and now he was one step closer to completely waking up. At one moment he saw a door, which disappeared after a moment. Startled by the discovery he approached the wall where he saw the door. Solid stone. Nothing out of the ordinary. He pinched himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming, but it was useless. Suddenly the door appeared again, but now it was visible for a few seconds more.

''Interesting… Can't say why, but I want to open this door… Something tells me this isn't JUST a door… But should I open it? Hmmm… Who knows what's behind it...''


DP - WHAT IS BEYOND THE MYSTERIOUS DOOR? Feel free to set your imagination loose. Very Happy

Sorry for the rush, the bell rang XD
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Last edited by Cyberworm on Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:33 pm; edited 8 times in total
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The Meaning Of Fear
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I kinda noticed the rushedness too. Quite interesting a chapter, but you'll need to go over it to fix some things.

In the second last paragraph, you have it starting in first person then switching to third. Might want to have a look at that.

The strange door seems really suspicious to me. I think he'll have to investigate.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rule #58 of all videogames/stories.

If there is a door/button/lever/ladder/valve, always open/push/pull/climb/turn it.

This is a rule that can be applied to real life as well.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Isn't that rule #54, DMW? (Master's Challenge, hooray! Laughing )

I got you another suggestion too. He should go and get a couple of those fireflies, whatever they are, and THEN com back.
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Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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