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Thunderbird
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 Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 6:07 pm Post subject: Heavy Metal - Chapter 3.1: Through the Eye of a Needle, Pt 1 |
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Heavy Metal
Chapter 3.1
Through the Eye of a Needle, Part 1
“Fine!” Walter barked as he slammed his last beer mug down onto the casino bar. “I’ll do it. On two conditions.” Walt held up two fingers as he squinted one eye at the giant black man.
“What conditions are those?” rumbled the deep bass voice from the goliath who called himself the ‘Bouncer’.
“One: I need to make a quick phone call to my wife first. Let her know I’ll be out late an’ all.”
“And?” the Bouncer pressed.
“I wanna’ talk to this Lucky guy you work for.” Walter affirmed.
Bouncer smiled thinly and nodded his bald head slowly after a moment of consideration, his meaty fist gripping his chin in thought. “I suppose that could be arranged. Go make your phone call and I’ll see what can be done. You need a quarter?”
“No thanks,” Walter huffed, “I’ve got a ‘cell phone’,” he assured as he displayed the device with a few twists of his wrist.
As the Bouncer nodded and strode off into the casino crowd, and Walter fumbled with dialing, Dave hesitantly slunk back to the bar, a pleading look written across the young man’s eyebrows.
~
“Can I get you some cookies?” Betty asked the black-suited men who rigidly lounged on her living room couch.
“No… Thanks,” Agent Danforth, the short one replied, running a hand over his scalp to smooth down his close cropped blond hair, careful not to disrupt the sunglasses that had never left their perch on his nose.
“I’ll have some,” stated Agent Johnson, looking up with an uncommon smile. Danforth shot the dark-skinned agent a surprised look. “Why not?” Johnson defended himself.
As Betty shuffled her way to the kitchen, her heart pacing with anxiety, the sudden clanging of the phone, mounted on the wall next to her, caused her to jump and grip at her chest. “Oh heavens!” she exclaimed.
Detouring towards the phone, she lifted the receiver to her ear, “Hello?”
“Betty. It’s me,” stated Walter gruffly.
“Oh, dear, Walter,” she began, taking note of the sudden intent stares over shoulders, focused in her direction from the agents in the living room.
“Somethin’ wrong?” Walter asked, noting the concern in her voice.
Turning her voice down to a hoarse whisper, she croaked, “Walter there’s men here. They want to talk to you and Dave. They look like… like feds or something.”
“Hmph,” Walt replied. “What do they want?”
“Now how the hell should I know?” Betty’s voice rose to more audible levels. “They haven’t said any more than that they want to talk to you. When will you be home Walter?” She asked, exasperated.
“Damn… spooks huh? Wonder if they’re after Dave…”
“Yeah, well that’s what they said,” Betty affirmed. “What on earth for?”
“Never mind that Betty,” Walt deflected.
“Well… They’ve been waiting here for hours,” she complained.
“Alright, hmm,” Walter considered audibly. “Tell ‘em we won’t be back till this time tomorrow. Be happy to talk to ‘em then. Dave aughta be with me then too.”
“Ok, well, when ARE you going to be back Walt?” Betty inquired, frustration apparent in her tone.
“I might be late for dinner sweets. I gotta thing to do. Waitin’ for my supplier is all. Fuel’s not that easy to arrange it seems.” There were rare moments when Walter sounded like he felt Betty to be a reliable partner. This, oddly enough, was one of them.
“Oh right, so you’re out at the bars drinking and chasing them hussies then I take it,” Betty accused.
“Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you wanna believe dear. Just figured I should call to let you know not to wait up for me.”
“Mhm,” Betty answered with pursed lips. “Fine, whatever. You still plan to… you know… tonight?”
“Yep. Might be early morning by then, but I’m sick of waitin’,” Walter confirmed.
“Might be good if I try to get a little sleep then,” Betty mused openly.
“Really? You’re going to watch me then?” Walt sounded surprised.
“Yeah… I suppose,” Betty surrendered. “I gave it some thought today and… I guess I can’t blame you.”
“Hmph,” Walt sounded lifted. “Well then, that makes me very happy dear.”
“Just don’t take forever ya’ old mule. Or I’ll have your hide!” Betty exclaimed.
“Alright, alright… just get rid of those guys. Call me when they’ve left, k? I don’t wanna’ be rolling up in the driveway to find ‘em still there, got it?” A note of grumpiness had returned in Walt’s voice.
“Sure Walt. I’ll let you know.” Betty reassured.
“Good. I’ll see you soon then.” Leaving the conversation with an audible click on the other end of the receiver, Walt hadn’t left Betty time to reply.
Returning the receiver to its mount on the wall, Betty turned to the agents with a look of feigned regret across her wilted features.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I forgot. I ran out of cookies yesterday.”
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 9:36 am Post subject: |
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“One: I need to make a quick phone call to my wife first.
One; < Since its speach it should be ; not : because its not a document your typing.
Also you need to explain that its the "Old" wife of Walt in the change of scene. Explain the house a bit more, since this is a modern story, it be good to add something to add a tension-calm mood in the story. Annoyed coughs are a part of that.
Well, I take it walt would listen to RAM JAM BETTY as well. haha. 
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 10:44 am Post subject: |
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" ...a colon informs the reader that the following proves, explains or simply provides elements of what is referred to before"
It's a perfectly fine use of a colon. Colon use is not restricted to 'documents'. I don't know where you got that rule from.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 12:30 pm Post subject: |
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I know its perfectly fine, but I still haven't seen that in any published books before.
Now In dialogue, dashes are used to indicate fast speach: is two stripes
"One--(continue sentence)" The two stripes are often used more than :
"Of course, I'll sign a prenuptial agreement—as long as it's in my favor."
Something like that. To turn the sentence around. Still it was worth trying to help out. I'll be writing my document on Publishing houses and Choosing one tomorrow. 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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I was a little hesitant to use the : in that statement - seemed a bit odd to me, but fit the concept I have of ':' nevertheless so I used it. While I'm still unconvinced either way, its interesting to see some debate on the subject.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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http://www.wisegeek.com/how-are-colons-and-semicolons-used-in-sentences.htm
The colon looks like two periods stacked vertically ( : ). It may help to keep the period in mind as the rules of colon usage are studied. Much like the period, colons create a definite stop in the flow of a sentence. The most common use of this stopping power is to create anticipation for
a long list of elements. An independent phrase, one which could stand on its own, often introduces such a list: "The(insert text)...
Or for scripts like this
Mary: Hello
Benny: *eats a plant* Blegh
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, in this context then, it fits. Because that first example was how, verbally, it was expressed. In a proper document, you'd have a lot more than bullet-point one. But you know how conversation goes - tends to start in one way and quickly drift into another.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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