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Electrified! : Lord Tinnayakman's Jewel [CHAP 3]

 
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:11 pm    Post subject: Electrified! : Lord Tinnayakman's Jewel [CHAP 3] Reply with quote

Chapter 1 -> Taken at Midnight

Ravaged Field was one of the places where the name could be misleading. It was not even a field. In common language, it would be called a graveyard. But it wasn't a place you would have heard of. It was situated inconspicuously in the corner of Enydmaan city, a city belonging to a totally different era.

Enydmaan is currently large enough to be considered a country. It was discovered by an English Navy Captain (ENC), by the name of Edward Patrick, whose ship was taken hostage by the Somalian Pirates. After feeding on filth in Somalia for nearly 13 weeks, he one day dared to make a escape. Of course, he was not successful. At-least that's what everyone thought. A army of weird people clad in leaves, had rescued him and taken him to their city, Enydmaan. How they managed to fend off the Somalian Pirates is still a mystery to the world.

Enydmaan was a beautiful country, filled with ingenious people. Everywhere you looked, you could see trees and jungles. You could see men hunting for food and some were even wrestling or cutting trees. Women generally kept their dwellings clean, collected water from the ocean and cooked. Otherwise, they could be found carrying children, telling stories while the child would barely listen. Children would often run around playing, or learning martial arts. But this is not what Edward saw.

Edward saw a country filled with resources, great man power and gullible citizens. He saw animals whose skin could be sold at a high profit. He saw a land located at very strategic position, in terms of military use. He mainly saw another place where he could stamp the English authority. Another place where colonial rule could be established. So, Edward one day contacted his homeland and informed them of his location.

The English army prepared to attack.

But even the English could not defeat these warriors.

The citizens of Enydmaan, known as Enyds, had practiced compassion all their lives and being gullible, the English had fooled them by posing as landless fighters and had acquired a small area within Enydmaan.

Since then, the English had mingled with the Enyds, followed their tradition, formed clans and co-existed. They had thought each other their culture and traditions, their way of life and became great friends.

The Clan Wars spoiled their peace. The Clan War was a large civil war, which broke out due to disturbances within clans, and the English couldn't stay out of it.

Edward had lead his clan into battle, but could not defeat the Enydmaans even when they were not united. So Edward focused on development of the Economy of his piece of land, and he succeeded. Enyds started looking up to him, and started evolving their own proper economy. The difference was, Edward gave his buildings English names, while other parts of the country had more traditional names.

Ravaged Field was an English construction, and now it would house the soul of Edward's great-grandson, Dwayne Patrick.
* * *

Jake ran out of his house filled with grief and sorrow. He had woken up one night to find his father's throat slit and a man making his escape. Now, he was at the Ravaged Field, watching his father's body being burned. Why do we have to do a funeral Enyd style? Can't we let him R.I.P? Stupid Enyds! why do they always interfere in what we do?.

Four years later, Jake, being the son of one of the strongest men, was inducted into the English clan, and he was thought by The Master. He learnt Martial Arts, The Enyd way of life, learnt about the religion and all spiritual and religious beliefs. The Master introduced him to the world of science, and other things which Jake found totally awesome. Everyday he would be trained by The Master and his assistants, at a huge structure painted like the night sky, dotted with stars. There was a large large statue of a man name Edward Patrick, holding the English flag in his right hand and a sword in his left, seemingly charging at an enemy.

Jake would fight mock wars with the members of his own clan. The 'Mock War' idea was his, and The Master had approved. There would be mock wars every alternative week, after which every 'warrior' would return to the Headquarters for The Master's comments. Then, they would continue to train. One particular week, after fighting mock wars within his friends, Jake and his friends cycled to the Headquarters and found the whole place to be in a mess. People were not in their places, everyone was standing in groups and chatting. They all wore different expressions. Some were puzzled, others were confused. Some of them looked plain shocked, but no-one was smiling.

Soon, the entire team was informed of The Master's disappearance, and Jake felt like crying again.


There were discussions taking place all around, with people deciding what to do next, as the Master was essential for the clan's very existence. There were some discussion about assembling a crack team to track him down, electing a new master and hoping for the best, and even leaving the place for good, when they noticed Jake was missing too.

Jake didn't know what hit him, he felt a chill wind blasting down his neck and suddenly he felt the back of his head being smashed. And now he woke up, and he didn't know where he was. He would have followed the clan's strategy, like trying to determine where he was, and scheming a escape route immediately, if he hadn't found himself staring at the Master's eyes.

D.P - What should Jake do now???


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It looks great overall, and now I'm going to be a perfectionist and point out to some smaller grammar and style tweaks I would recommend. Smile

Quote:
"Ravaged Field was one of the places where the name could mislead you."


I would change the quoted line a bit so the readers connect it into a more commonly read sentence, like:

"Ravaged Field was one of those places where the name could mislead you."

Also I would change the second part to

"places whose name could mislead you." or
"places whose name is misleading."

The specific words I'd change are in italics. Smile

Next, I personally would rephrase the following sentence:

Quote:
"But it didn't belong to a 'common' place."


I know what you meant, but I think it would flow more easily if you wrote:

"But it wasn't a common place." or something similar, like for example: "It wasn't a place often visited."

Next,

Quote:
"It was discovered by a English Navy leader"


This is a common error, sometimes considered to be a big one. You have a couple of them in the chapter, but I also see that usually you write it okay and it's no big deal. Smile

If the defining vowel, "a", is to be found before another vowel, like "E" in "English", then it changes into "an". So the correct form is:

"It was discovered by an English Navy leader."

And I would add a rank to his leadership, like a captain, an admiral or such.

There is another error like this right next to it, "he one day dared to make a escape", and again "a" is before an "e" so it becomes "an".

Next,

Quote:
"At-least that's what everyone thought"


You don't need a line between, so it should be "At least".

Quote:
"A army of weird people clad with leaves, had rescued him and taken him to their city, Enydmaan."


Two mistakes here, I pointed them out in red. A=>An, I believe it should then go clad in, and the comma before "had" is not supposed to be there at all.

Quote:
"How they managed to fend of the Somalian Pirates is still a mystery to the world."


Should be "fend off".

Next,

Quote:
"Edward, Being a strong believer in Imperialism, had secretly contacted his English Superiors, Who prepared for an invasion of Enydmaan."


The capital letters in those words should be small letters.

Also, there's a similar mistake in the sentences after that:

"The citizens of Enydmaan, Known as Enyds, had practiced compassion all their lives and being gullible, The English had fooled them by posing as landless fighters and had acquired a small area within Enydmaan. "

Also, I would change the part of "being gullible" because it could mislead the reader into thinking the English that you mention were gullible, so I would put something like: "and because of their credulity", or some adjective similar to gullibleness, or even use gullibleness as a description here.

Next,

Quote:
"The Clan War was a large civil war, broken out due to disturbances within clans, and the English were dragged into it."


The form of the verb is incorrect, I would use " The Clan War was a large civil war which broke out...", also removing the comma there. Oh, and the second part of the sentence could be even better by connecting it and expanding to some other sentences, like:

"...within clans and in which the English were also dragged into."

This is just a suggestion, feel free to improve on it. Smile

Then,

Quote:
"Edward had lead his clan into the battle, but could not defeat the Enydmaan's even when they were not united. So Edward focussed on development of the Economy of his piece of land, and he succeeded. Enyds started looking up to him, and started evolving their own proper economy. Difference was, Edward gave his buildings English names, while other parts of the country had more traditional names. "


Don't be scared, this isn't a great error, just a large paragraph which I checked as a whole. Smile

1st, "the" here is unneccessary and I wouldn't put it there.

2nd, the apostrophe here is unneccessary also, since it changes the word into a possession adjective, and should be Enydmaan plural.

The plural is Enydmaans, and an object they possess is "Enydmaans' object" if it's their common object and "Enydmaan's object" if it's an object possessed by a single Enydmaan.

3rd should be spelled "focused", the "s" is a surplus.

4th, since it's in dark red and not bright red, I'm not sure if this is an error because in the world you are describing economy is held in high regard, so it could be ok to spell it with a capital "E". But in cases where it's commonly used, economy is spelled with a small "e". Smile

5th, and the last one in this paragraph, is also not a real error, but an addition. You should add "The" on the beggining, so it goes: "The difference was..."


Next,

Quote:
"Ravaged Field was a English construction..."


Just another "an".

Then,

Quote:
"... watching his father's body being burnt. Why do we have to do a funeral Enyd style???."


I think the form is incorrect and should be "burned". The second sentece is natural and impulsive, and I wouldn't change the contents, but I would only change the triple question mark and the full stop (the " . ") with a single question mark and another sentence describing his displease with the funeral style. If you don't want to add another sentence to describe, just remove the two extra question marks and the full stop, since it is more common for chatting on forums and less common in stories and books.

This one is actually one long sentence with minor errors so don't get discouraged! Smile

Quote:
"4 years later, Jake was inducted into the English clan, and he learnt the martial art forms... But people never forgot their history. The Pure soul of Enydmaan Still lives."


Here, the first error is using the number 4, which should be put in words since it's on the beginning of the sentence. Using numbers is alright in the middle of a sentence, but at the beginning of a paragraph it looks awkward. Secondly, the comma just slows down the sentence.

And now the third. First, I would here also remove the comma, it's unneccessary. Then, change "he learnt" into some other form like "learned" or "studied".

Lastly, and I don't think it's a real error, the Pure soul. If you are referring to the superior etherial soul, I would put "Pure Soul" with capitals. Otherwise, the "Pure" doesn't need the capital letter.

Almost there! Smile

Quote:
"There were talks about assembling a crack team..."


I would change that into "There was some talking about" or, "There were discussions about". The second is more fitting.

Quote:
"... he suddenly felt a chill wind blasting down his neck and suddenly he felt..."


The repetition of words is obvious, and I would suggest replacing the second suddenly with a similar word, or adding "just as suddenly", so that it's not exactly the same.

-----

And that is all! Very Happy

Now listen, what I did was a complete, detalied combing search through your chapter, just to point out all the big and small errors. The thing is, there weren't any big errors and your writing is actually very, very good! It flows alright even with all the commas, and all I did was suggest how to make it more fluent.

Don't get discouraged, I was just giving you a "heads up" for subtle mistakes and I know you'll be an excellent writer. Very Happy

Can't wait for the next chapter!

As for the DP: I think he should ask for an explanation. An obvious choice, but still.

Also, he could untie himself but the Master shouldn't see it, so that if there is any trouble he could escape.

Keep up the good work! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 8:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like Cyberworm says, the errors aren't too bad, but the story could be a bit more tidy. If nothing else, I would find all of the places where "a" should be "an".

DP wise, there's no reason not to find out what's happening with Master before attempting an escape. Try to find out what he knows and see if he has any ideas how to escape. Even if Jake has to escape alone, he should be able to get help once he gets back to the others, if he can get that far.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmm... wait for an explanation?

There was so much in the first portion to explain the setting, which left me largely confused as to who the Enydmen were and how it all blended with the English into, what was vaguely explained as a nation.

It sounded like it might have had some interesting ideas behind what you were writing there, underlying it all. Unfortunately, it wasn't expressed clearly enough to grasp. Ideas were thrown at us like a deck of cards thrown through the air, scattered and disjointed, which did not lead one from one thought to the next fluidly enough to follow.

Then the second portion was so rushed that I didn't really even get a feel for WHO the protagonist was, who this 'Master' was, what the situation was that led up to the present and what exactly was happening in the present.

The problem there was that there was so little said about all these things that so much was left only to assumption on behalf of the reader to try and fill in the gaps.

To sum this up, and I'm not trying to be mean nor cruel, just blunt and hopefuly helpful, TAKE YOUR TIME! Edit your work a bit before posting and think about how you might organize the information you're handing out. Be clear about expressing what we need to know in the order we need to know it.

I felt the suggestion of some real brilliant ideas in this beginning, it just wasn't expressed enough to grasp.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you have a very good concept here, and while your characters, setting and history are probably very clear in your mind, they haven't come across very clearly to the reader, yet.

For example, what kind of people are the characters, particularly, what kind of person is Jake? We know that the setting is among a nation of two co-existing cultures, but we know nothing of the terrain the city has been built on, what it looks like, or the level of technological advancement we're at.

Thunderbird's advice is very sound - the way and order that you deliver your information to the reader is very important, especially at the beginning. Smile

Without knowing whether or not Jake 'knows' the Master, or whether or not the Master is good or evil - the only thing I could suggest for the DP would be to ask what's going on.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When Cyberworm said a few mistakes i didn't expect this many!!!! i mean his reply is longer than the chapter itself!! Sad
Anyway, i guess this is why people usually ask me to reread. I just did that and then i realized that even i couldn't understand what was going on in the second half... so im gonna rephrase the second portion......

Care to help, anyone????? Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Remember, though it seems like it's a lot of mistakes, they are only small mistakes and I said I was scrubbing your whole chapter. Smile

Though I can't help with editing because of RL stuff, I wish you luck in writing it! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DONE!

I edited the whole thing just now and it looks a lot better(Any small mistakes remaining can be ignored)!!!
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

People please reread the chapter and then tell me what you think....!
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

POLLS ARE UP!!!!!
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Think we should go ahead, cyber????
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, The polls will be closed very soon, and I think I know which option is going to win!

Thanks for your votes, Cyberworm and Thunderbird, I will look forward to your participation in the next chapters as well, and in my other storygames listed below.

Cheers!!! Cool
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Normally, Jake would try to look around and figure out if he was in a vehicle or in a room. He might also try to find out who had kidnapped him. Normally, he would have been thinking, but now, he couldn't do even that. His eyes were fixed on The Master's eyes. There was something about that cold, dark eyes that seemed to be a magnet to his eyes. He could feel power by just looking into the man's eyes. The Master was staring back. Jake could remember all the things he had learnt from him. Jake was always fascinated by The Master's skills, and his insights on just about everything.

'What?!'

Jake jumped. The Master had spoken and he was still staring at Jake.

'What do you mean "what"??? I just found out you were missing and then I had my skull bashed, that's what!' he replied.

The Master softened his gaze. Now Jake realized that he could look away from those eyes and even think clearly.

'Where are we?' asked Jake.

'How would I know?! You had your skull bashed in, I was shot at. When I tried to fight, I was surrounded by 13 men. I still fought, and then I woke up here, bound like this'.

Jake could see that The Master was bound. His hands were tightly wound behind his back and his legs were pinned down to the ground. He was also surrounded by spikes, which meant that any movement would do him harm. It took Jake a minute to observe the situation, before he realized that he was in a huge room. This was probably a fancy hotel, which got burnt down years earlier. There were only few of them in the country, but their names escaped Jake. Right now, all he could think of was freeing the master, and then scheming an escape route.

Jake bent over and slashed the ropes off The Master's wrists, and then getting out of the spike trap was a piece of cake for The Master.

'Ok, now what??' Jake asked.

'What?? Did you expect me to come off with a plan out of the blue? Let me think!'

'There's no need of that, Matt' said a chilling voice behind them. It was the same chill Jake felt before getting smashed, and so, Jake whirled around, just to find that there was a someone covered in black, from head to toe. You could see his eyes, and his eyes seemed to be as powerful as The Master's. The Master was already facing their assailant, his body in battle posture.

'Who are you? How do you know my name?' asked Matt, aka The Master.

'Who I am is immaterial, so is how i know your name. What matters is that I am more powerful than you, and your puny friend right there.'

Jake felt his blood chill. Four years ago, he had witnessed his father's killer escape and he still remembered that the killer was covered with black.

Then the assailant spoke.

'Of course, i saw Dwayne's fear when I killed him' he sneered.

Jake felt his blood pound his head, and he charged.... ending up being thrown right where he came from.

'I think we would prefer peace' said the assailant.

'What do you want from us?' Matt asked, ready to fight if he had to.

'Good Question, I hope you are familiar with our history' was the reply.

They both nodded.

'Good, that will save me some time. You see, before you English jerks came about, This land was ruled by Lord Tinnayakman, one of the greatest leaders and spirituals in the world. You see, the Lord designed a jewel...' saying this he paused and looked at Matt, Matt's face darkened.

'Yes, as I was saying, The Lord designed a jewel, popularly known as Lord Tinnayakman's jewel. It was designed with a special formula, which our lord called 'The God's word'. The jewel was also studded with diamonds and rubies. This strengthened our defense to a great extent, and made us more powerful in all aspects.'

'That's shit!' yelled Jake. ' You claim that a-

'Then tell me how we managed to defeat the pirates when the English Navy failed? Tell me why the English army couldn't defeat a land of tribals, when they had colonized half the world. Tell me why your beloved master is training idiots like you to find the priceless jewel.' The assailant had now literally yelled.

Jake was shocked. He couldn't find words to talk back. He noticed that Matt had gone red in face, which told him that the assailant was telling the truth.

'Find? what do you mean find? Don't you people have it safe inside some where?' Jake asked. This was a trick he had learnt. When you express faith in your opponents, while stating one of their faults, you usually make him uncomfortable.

It didn't seem to work.

'That's exactly the problem. The last time anyone saw the jewel, was in the funeral of our lord. And, the funeral was organized by the English.' This was said with a accusing tone.

'How do you know that it wasn't buried with your lord?' Jake asked.

'You think we are that stupid? The jewel was seen after the lord was buried as well. It was locked in a casket and kept on the throne of the lord. The next day, it was conveniently gone! The English managed to suppress it, creating one of the greatest cover-ups in human history. And now, we shall try to find it...'

By this time, Jake had lost all hope of playing mind games.

Then, the assailant spoke again.

'We suspect that it was stolen by you Englishmen. So what I want you people to do is to come with us on our quest or.... you die.'

'What help would we be of?'

'You two bozos are of English decent, If it was kept in any place, it should be something related to your damned country. Therefore, you come along with us.'

Jake nearly crumbled. If they did accept to go with the assailants, there is a chance that they can break away. But he doubted that they would be trusted. Whereas, if they decided to refuse, they would probably be killed right here. Unless.... Jake realized that he couldn't see anyone else around. He also knew that it did not mean that the others were not outside. Jake once again looked up at the assailant, and then at Matt. He realized that both of them were staring at him.

Once again feeling pressure, Jake started to think again.


DP- What should they choose?
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"How do you know it wasn't buried with the Tinyman?" I would ask.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, that would buy us some time, but if we get a reply, we'd have to make a choice anyway. If we are going with him, then that's that. If we decide not to, then we need a plan to get out.

So, i don't think buying time would do any good here. Even if they didn't look for the jewel at the burial site, the assailant would probably ask us to go along with him.

So do we go or do we not?????
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 5:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sure I understand that, but my answer would depend on that answer.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for pointing that out TBird!

I edited the chapter and added your question. You can now view the answer!

Thanks again!!!
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Vishal,

As I mentioned on another story... please keep each story within one thread.

I see here your prologue is in its own thread. We can't have a new thread for every chapter from everyone, it makes the forums very untidy, and it hard to identify what to sticky, if a story is deserving of such.

I haven't had time to read through yet, but will get to it when I can.

Happy Writing. Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh! okay!!

Im sorry!!!!
I will try to keep the prologue and the story in the same thread next time!!
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Easy DP. Go with the tribals. Half the jewels that the British took from the world they colonized is still with the British (Referring to the Kohinoor diamond) and is kept in museums and if the Jewel was really stolen by an English OFFICIAL, then it should be in some OFFICIAL British building.

And I think there's a slight chance of Matt and Jake getting away with the Jewel considering the fact that the loss of the diamond would have hurt the Enyds. But there also arises the question of who are the people who SHOULD get to keep the diamond. Should the British keep the diamond that they 'stole' or should the Enyds win it back? Lots of options.

But the MAIN reason Im opting for going with the tribals is to keep the story running. We might hit a dead end if we decide not to go.
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And that's why I would say no. Challenge the author to bring us around into the plot another way. Furthermore, it would make the statement that we aren't going to be bullied into the service of anyone... that's just working for someone not worth working for is all that amounts to.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Vishal,

Yes, I see what people have been saying about your writing, there's something about it that is both intriguing and hints at all this interesting background just out of sight.

The comments you've received so far have all been very good, and I would recommend reading through them again, as there's lessons to be learnt within them.

Some additional things for you to consider :

Try to avoid repetition where possible. It sounds clunky.

Quote:
His eyes were fixed on The Master's eyes . There was something about that cold, dark eyes that seemed to be a magnet to his eyes . He could feel power by just looking into the man's eyes.


That's a whole lot of 'eyes'! You can try rearranging some of the sentences, replacing some of the instances of the word with alternatives like 'gaze', as well as adding some additional description to break it up a bit. For example :

His gaze was fixed on the Master's dark eyes. He could feel a power emenating from them, somehow drawing his focus and forcing him to look straight into the cold black orbs as if nothing else existed.

~

Quote:
'What do you mean "what"???

Quote:
Ok, now what??' Jake asked.

Quote:
What??


Wormy mentioned this one - the double or even triple use of question marks. I know you're trying to give the impression of added emphasis, but this isn't a way to do it in writing save for perhaps chat rooms or text messages. Consider looking into careful use of speech tags to demonstrate the emphasis you want.

A sharp edge entered his voice. "What do you mean 'what'?".

~

Quote:
Jake bent over and slashed the ropes off The Master's wrists, and then getting out of the spike trap was a piece of cake for The Master.


Slashed them with what? Eugh, too easy, not interesting to read and a big turn off to these characters. This needs much more explanation. Piece of cake - not good narrator language?

~

Quote:
It was locked in a casket and kept on the thrown of the lord


It's a throne. The way you've spelt it means to throw a ball, or something like that.

~

I'm with Thunderbird, I will say no too. This 'Master' can apparently get out of traps easily, and Jake can seemingly slash rope with his bare hands. Surely they can take on this one man in black. Don't be bullied now.

Happy Writing Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the critique Smee!!!!

Nice critique, this will help me a lot!!!!
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It definitely seems like you know a lot about the background to your work, and you've got a pretty good image of the scene you're writing. The problem, it seems, is that your words get ahead of you. I"ll admit that I struggle with this too. So much of what you write seems to assume that the reader is also in your head. But we're not. We can't follow along with your thoughts- we only have the text. I must admit I'm still a bit dizzy from the first chapter- I can't tell how much of that is important, how much of that is foreshadowing, and how much of that is just background details you thought up about your setting and wanted to include. It took a few reads to figure out he was kidnapped- you went from present tense 'the master is gone' village talk to 'I'm dead and with him'.

I also feel like your DPs are almost too forced. This isn't always a bad thing, mind... but... you seem to have an idea which direction you really want the story to go. Like Smee hinted- the reader has that power. Don't be shocked if the reader suddenly takes a sharp left off of your planned story path. They did that to my first story- overall, I'm glad they did, but it left me reeling at the time. If you get too caught up on the way you want your story to go, you won't be able to adjust to where your story is actually going.

Oh, I'm really bad at remembering to say positive things! I have a bad habit of assuming you know the positives and so I just jump into the critique stage. You definitely have some solid ideas for this story, and I'm interested to see what will happen once we leave the introduction stage.
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, another Crit!!!!

I think my problem is over-enthusiasm here, I get a great idea, and i write, assuming you know everything i do. I just forget that if you did, you wouldn't be reading! Laughing

Im trying to work that out, but i really appreciate that you took time to look at my work!

Thanks!!!!
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polls are UP!!
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oooo... that first vote smell!
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you sure that's not just you? Laughing
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polls will be open for a couple of more days, and the chap should be up by next week!!!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake was thinking for quite some time now, and he still hadn't made up his mind. He was not used to making decisions in real life situations like these, where what he chose could alter the path of his future, literally. It had taken him just one look at Matt's face to find out what he was thinking, but Jake wasn't so sure of fighting his way out. They were not in a position to bargain as well. Sighing heavily, Jake took a glance at Matt and gave him a quick nod

***

Didn't he guess it would be 2 on1? Few minutes earlier, Jake and Matt had been in a brawl with their assailant. It was Jake’s first battle and he found it surprisingly easy, but that was probably because Matt did almost all the fighting.

Jake stepped over and secured the ropes around his assailant, smiling. Matt had always been ironic whenever he won from a bad position. Mat had always liked putting his opponents in his position and then having a laugh. It was now the assailant who was trapped without an idea of what would happen to him. Jake allowed Matt to do all the imitating stuff while he looked around the place where they were held captive.

There were, in some places, huge pillar like structures. The only source of light seemed to be huge chandeliers lit by firewood. This confirmed Jake's suspicion that they were in an ancient building, burnt down years earlier. At some parts of the 'room' he was in, he had to crouch really low to avoid bumping his head on the roof. He carefully avoided these low walls, and sometimes skipped over little bumps on the uneven floor. Things were scattered about in all sorts of places, but Jake’s attention was drawn to one large pile of seemingly unimportant stuff.

There were pieces of small red metal-like stuff, wrapped around a piece of translucent cloth among other stuff, which seemed to be out of place, but Jake couldn't get a closer look. Matt was done with annoying the assailant, and Jake himself was starting to feel quite claustrophobic, so they had decided to leave the place.

As soon as he walked out of the building, he immediately realized where he was. The surroundings were all only very familiar to him. The towering skyscrapers on one side of the street, and straw-huts on the other always amused him. He would always drift away into his own world whenever he came here. He would think of what the poorer section would think when they saw the skyscrapers and then look back at their huts. He would keep thinking until his dad would bring him back into this world. Incidentally, he remembered his dad calling the building from where he just came out ‘One of the most important places in the country.’ He suddenly felt something whirring inside his brain.

“Aren’t we supposed to take a right here, Jake?”

Jake suddenly became aware of where he was, and smiled sheepishly. No wonder he had always thought of Matt as his second father.

* * *

Matt had always known that this day would come, but he didn’t expect it to be forced on him. He also didn’t think how hard it would be to speak to everyone. He, at present, was hoping that Jake would keep his mouth shut and not even whisper about his secret to anyone. Wherever he went, he would have to take Jake along with him. He would also have to tell him the truth about the jewel, and take him along on his quest to recover the priceless jewel.

Breathing hard, he took a right and watched as Jake followed. The HQ was in full view now, when he realized that he also had to give an explanation to his people about his sudden disappearance.

“Jake, when we go inside, people will demand an explanation for my disappearance. I want you to play along with me. I don’t want the people to know that we were attacked, Okay?”

Jake took one long stare at him.

“Fine, but you tell me everything about the jewel, and…” he paused there before continuing. “And if you are going to go hunting for it, I’m coming with you”

Matt realized that he had no other option. It was his fault, he was the one who had explanations to give, not Jake.

Matt nodded and then started taking strides towards the Headquarters, feeling more nervous as he did. It was time to give an explanation again.

* * *
Matt had hated bluffing all through his life. It had once affected him so adversely once that he had promised to himself to never lie again. But, due to his absurd way of doing things, he found himself breaking the promise every now and then. He would do so, and then feel very empty at the bottom of his stomach. The last time he had lied, was when he reported Dwayne’s death as suicide, because he didn’t want people to panic. Fortunately for him, Jake had no knowledge of that what-so-ever.

Today, he had once again bluffed to hide another attack on the clan. From the patters, he could see that war could break out at anytime, but for some unknown reason, he found it more important to keep his people happy and unprepared, rather than worrisome and prepared. He always said that that was because he felt that the chances of war breaking out are higher if people were tensed, but he doubted that it was the real reason.

It didn’t matter to him anymore, now that he had successfully bluffed his way out once again. Jake had played his part perfectly, nodding to whatever he had said and helping him out when he was struggling for words. It was also with regret that he was going to Jake’s cabin to spill the beans, and this time, he was determined to tell the truth.

* * *


There are only so many things in life which you can’t share with anyone else, but for a man such as Matt, sticking to a deal was the more important than anything else. It was with this basis that he was sitting inside Jake’s cabin, looking at his host’s eye, and is trying to tell him something which only very few knew.

“You see, we are talking about one of the most priceless artifact in the history of mankind. The Lord’s jewel has been long lost, but there are the fakes, which are not quite powerful. You probably realize that the fakes were made by a lesser soul, probably not great at the art of magic, but the fakes do have the potential of giving you a large amount of magical power, which is what we need in this damned era.

The original jewel was bright red, said to have been made of the lord’s blood himself, but what we know for sure is that the jewel possessed great powers, powers that would enable tribes to defeat one of the most powerful empires of the time.

Obviously, I don’t know what it does, it is really ancient stuff but what I do know is that there are at least 17 fakes, and I happen to be in possession of 2 of them.”

Jake interrupted him here.

“You actually HAVE two of the fakes? You are going to show me them, even if we aren’t going to hunt for the original”

“We are hunting for the original.” Matt said, grimacing as he said ‘we’. He apparently wanted to do this all by himself.

”And I will show you what I have, provided that you handle it very carefully and give it back to me immediately.”

Jake nodded, and watched as Matt produced two flesh-colored stones from his pocket. It had a queer shine to it and seemed to have an aura. Jake took it in his hand and felt its icy shell. It looked somewhat like a diamond split in half diagonally, and painted red. The gem-stone didn’t look painted; it looked ancient, which partly confirmed what Matt had said.

Jake wondered whether he would tell Matt about what he saw earlier, but decided against it. He felt that Matt was keeping something away from him, so he decided not to say anything until he fully trusted Matt.

Matt, on the other hand, seemed to be getting ready to start the hunt immediately. It was always like that with Matt; he always rushed into things too quickly. Sighing, Jake walked towards his bag to start packing his stuff. This was going to be one hell of chase.
_________________________________________________

So what do you guys think? There are number of places where they could go, for instance, the burial ground of the lord, or hike back to the places where the fake jewels where found and try to find clues from there. Of course, your suggestions are the one's that matter, so don't forget to bring 'em in!

Just a tad more I would like to say. I figured that this was one of the better chapters I have written, and I would like to know what Smee thinks of this, because I used his critique to better my writing.

I know this Chap was due almost a week ago, and im sorry! I just got caught in the dreadful world of RL....!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Our captor felt that it was certain the jewel would be in Britain. He felt it was because the british must have had something to do with its dissapearance, right? I would start following our previous captor. Surely he's got an idea where to find the thing, and if he does, we might be able to figure out what he's got in mind and then beat him to the chase.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, so follow the assailant!

Good Job, Tbird, I hadn't thought of that until now. But in the chapter, the assailant has been bound tightly at a particular place, which is actually good for us. It would help us interrogate him.

Although another possibility is that they split up, looking for the assailant's men, who helped kidnap our protagonists while one of us interrogate the captor.

Or, we could find out how to extract power from the fake jewels, while trying to get a idea of the location of the original.

Thank you, Tbird for your suggestion! i must admit that the other ideas struck my mind only after reading yours! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice story line Vishal, I myself seeing that they are such strong warriors alone would believe tha maybe they should go seperate ways. Perhaps this could be a secret plan of the masters, thus making the boy stronger so that one day he may take over the position.. Sounds like that would be a way to go for me!

Just a little pointer I believe you may have looked over:

Quote:
From the [color=green]patters


I believe that you had meant patterns for this sentence, not patters. Just a tad little thing, Great besides that![/color]
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol thanks! I'd completely forgotten about this xP
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