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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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 Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:59 am Post subject: Is This Me? 001 - Alone |
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Alone
The sun rises over a barren plain. It's red light giving birth to the visions of day. The tall copper colored grass scattered throughout with large boulders hides nestled within it the figure of a small child.
With hair as black as the darkest night, and skin tan like the sun dried soil, he rests amidst the grasses and stones like a baby bird asleep in it's nest. A faint rustle in the nearby foliage brings the sleeping boy out from his realm of dreams. His eyelids part revealing eyes whose steel gray depths hold no warmth. With small sighs of waking he stretches out his stiff limbs. Stretched to their limits, he rolls to his back.
Laying spread eagle in the small area of trampled grass, he looks up into the rusty sky. A small cloud of purplish gray passes slowly overhead. Sighing once again he sits upright. Still beneath the tops of the grass he looks about for what had made the noise that woke him. Seeing nothing in the immediate area he stretches once again before standing. Barely 4ft tall his eye line skims the tousled tops of the plant life surrounding him.
He absentmindedly brushes dirt from his dark brown tunic. Several sizes too big for him and ragged it falls just below his knees. A light wind carrying the scent of moist earth tosses his hair before his eyes. Turning away from the sun he lets the wind blow it back before tucking it behind finely pointed ears. He scans the tops of the grass, but seeing no movement save for what the wind causes, he gives up on finding the thing that disturbed him.
Looking down at himself, a strange thought enters his mind. He brushes it off and heads towards the nearest boulder. Twice his height, he takes his time climbing to the top. Watching his own body move to fulfill his desire to reach the top, the thought again invades his mind. Again he lets it drift away. When he reaches the top he surveys his surroundings.
Looking towards the sun he sees only the waving tops of the tall grass. To his left, much of the same, broken only by rocks, much like the one he stands on now. To his right more grass, but not too far beyond trees rise to obscure what lay beyond. Finally, he turns his back to the sun's slowly intensifying rays. Another small gust lashes at his face, causing his hair to billow sightly.
This way, he sees tall gray mountains. Ranging from the forest edge in his left to the horizon on his right, he sees only one break in the dark mountain range. Between two high peaks there seems to be a valley. His eyes sharply focus on the spot, bringing forth more detail the longer he stares. A flickering light like the sun off water seems to shimmer at the base of the mountain on either side of the gap.
Blinking a few times his sight returns to normal. The thought he'd been avoiding up til now finally slams hard into his mind, unwilling to be ignored. With a small gasp of pain, he falls hard to his knees on the stone, clutching his head. The thought, at last acknowledged, finds it's way to his voice, and in a hushed whisper picked up and carried away by the wind he asks, "Who am I?"
Under the sun's fierce gaze the lone boy kneels upon a stone. Only one thing on his mind. One question. One thought. But of all the things in the world he could be thinking about, the one he can't stop thinking of, is one he has no answer for. The question slips slowly through his mind. Picking through his scattered memories, he realizes there is very little he knows about, well, anything.
Shadows of faces, of names and places float about his mind. With no means by which to understand them, they are little more than wisps of thought drifting over the dark sea which is his mind. He doesn't panic. He doesn't even feel the slightest bit worried over the lack of knowledge and understanding. Again the question drifts away, hovering at the edge of his mind.
He knows he must answer the question eventually, but there is no hurry. For now he'll just let it be. A low growl from his midsection catches his attention. 'I'm hungry' he muses. Standing up he feels a slight twinge in his right knee. Looking down he sees a bit of blood on the rock. Rubbing his injured knee with the hem of his tunic, he winces at the small sting.
When the pain passes, he turns around, looking hard in each direction. 'Food' he thinks, 'I need food'. 'Which way is food?'
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:36 am; edited 23 times in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:40 am Post subject: |
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Good start.
Towards the woods seems a good bet to find food. Especially if he finds a stream or river flowing through it.
I look forward to more.
Happy Writing 
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, ho! A well refined author indeed. My only little niggle would be with comma placement... there could have been some that would've helped to sort out some of your sentences. Otherwise, excellently delivered!
So, to really get a food gathering strategy I must ask, does he have any weapons on him at all? If not, for now, surely he can find some berries at the river that sparkles in the distance at the base of the mountain?
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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or crayfish *envisions little boy trying to catch crayfish and getting pinched* fun ^^
either way, I think the river's a good idea.
(Well, now that I can actually read a peice of your writing, I must say, It's enjoyable minor editting, commas are the most common thing you'll have to edit in, but that's already been said.)
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them  *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:21 pm Post subject: Fixins |
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I'll need some specifics to sort out where the commas need to go. I write as I speak, and only really put commas where I'd pause my speech.
As for weapons, nope. All he's got is the tunic on his back. He could prolly crack a rock or 2 to make sharp rocks, but he'd need to find them first...
He's not an idiot, but not the sharpest tool in the shed either. So I don't know how much he'd even think about making weapons...
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:48 am Post subject: |
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Well, I'd say go to the forest. Get some fruit. Eat fruit. Realize that they carry a rare stomach disease that causes unusual cramping. Be found by local wildlife while moaning. Have epic adventure.
Yes, very detailed, very niiiiiice. Hint: Triple check your work; reworking sentences so they're easier to read is always a good habit.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:01 pm Post subject: |
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I am wondering whether that sting on his knee is an omenous sign of some sort. Before he does anything, I'd say investigate what stung him and make sure it's not poisonous.
If he's on his own, he'll have to do his own first aid if he's to survive even a short time.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 12:05 pm Post subject: |
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The sting is not a bug/plant sting..it is the sting of pain. He fell onto his knees onto the hard rock.
*had nothing else to do, so followed cf around the site*
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:19 pm Post subject: Agreed |
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| kk's right. He busted his knee open a little from the sudden drop onto hard stone. But thanks for brining bug up.....*Wander off in thought*
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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Off to the river, then. Fish or berries?!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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I go with Smee!!!
Btw, great work.... BRILLIANT writing......great ideas as well but like others said... there are only a few minor errors..... and basically.... i wouldn't bother going back to correct them. I'd just avoid it in the future.... :)
So carry on..... this is amazing!!!!!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:38 am Post subject: Hint |
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| I think I sould say, there is somthing in each direction, it's just not obviouse.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:33 am Post subject: |
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voting time!
I voted for the mountains...with the valley and the water.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:07 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry not to have gotten around to this earlier- I'm rather impressed. I think where other people see odd comma use (or lack thereof), I see an odd almost backward sentence structure. Some of the sentences are so poetic in their imagery that they lose a bit of coherency- especially some of the beginning ones.
I'm going to have to go with the forest. There should be fruits or berries, there will be shade, and hopefully there's a water source for all of those plants.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:56 am Post subject: Re: Is this me? |
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| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: |
The sun rises over a barren plain, it's red light giving birth to the visions of day. The tall copper colored grass scattered throughout with large boulders hides, nestled within it, the figure of a small child.
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This is an example of what I was talking about (sorry... I was just reminded I was going to do this a while back by the last comment). He's right though... that second sentence needed a complete restructuring, but the commas there could have helped to at least define ... what is that? A participle or something or other? I forget how to DEFINE how to write... I'd never make a good english teacher  lol
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:30 pm Post subject: Sticky |
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Awwww....No sticky for me, th fist chapter isn't long enough.......*Sniffle*
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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Head for the mountains!!!
Is this one still going? Really enjoyed the chapter
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:18 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad you like it Mattheus, but there's already several chapters past this. If you like it so much, you should read the other chapters in this forum 
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