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Legion of Soul Breakers CHAPTER 4 IS (FINALLY) UP!!!!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 4:33 am    Post subject: Legion of Soul Breakers CHAPTER 4 IS (FINALLY) UP!!!! Reply with quote

Dear Diary,

What is the use of my living, when people have tampered with my soul so much. When my very existence seems to be a hindrance to all those around me? Is it important for me to be a good person to the world, or to the people who actually matter to me?

My conscience has driven me to this point, where I realize that it is better that I be dead, and let the world run itself, rather than try to get things fixed. People do not know who I am, and they will not, forever. I will not interfere in matters of this world anymore. I will take my own life right now, and move to some other heavenly place.

I have had enough of this planet, and I can let the jerks go ahead with whatever evil scheme they have next.

So, I will take my life. I am, right now, staring at cyanide pills, and it’s only a matter of time before I pop one into my mouth. But I have some unfinished business. There is so much I want to tell the world, but so much I simply can’t, because it disgusts me to even think about it.

I will be back one day, by rebirth or whatever, but when I do, I hope I am at a better position than I am now. Right now, I will perform my last act of goodwill for this planet.

Good-bye forever,
Trent Johnston


Last edited by warriorofdoom on Mon May 23, 2011 8:45 am; edited 11 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Trent? Where have I heard that before? that name is fimiliar. Well I hope this is a story and not the real thing. Shocked Thank goodness I read Prologue, I was worried there... Oh and welcome to the city Warriorofdoom! I hope you'll enjoy it here! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, very glad this is just a prologue. It's eerie enough to make you wonder though! I wonder if the first chapter will begin in the afterlife or will it begin with his rebirth (assuming he is reborn, of course)? Either one could be interesting! When are you planning to release the chapter?
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 4:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes... as a prologue, its done its job. I liked it and want to see more!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, something evil is going on and he tried to stop it and failed....

Nice Prologue!
Quote:
Trent? Where have I heard that before? that name is fimiliar. Well I hope this is a story and not the real thing.


Pardon me if my general knowledge is weak, what is the real thing?

I'l be looking for more WOD, when's the first chapter out?!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It's eerie enough to make you wonder though!


Quote:
Yes... as a prologue, its done its job. I liked it and want to see more!


Quote:
Nice Prologue!


Thanks a lot, IFians! It feels so nice that people read what I am writing, and give feedback. So far, I've been enjoying IF at Sector 17 and Open forum posts, and I decided to write my own SG!

Quote:
When are you planning to release the chapter?


Quote:
when's the first chapter out?!


The first chapter should be out in a few days, Im trying to get it more than 1000 words (aiming spotlight!) and a few edits should get me there! You can keep an eye out for the chapter, anyway!
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vishal Muralidharan wrote:
Pardon me if my general knowledge is weak, what is the real thing?

The concern is that this prologue is actually a real suicide note not just a story. If it was "the real thing", warriorofdoom was reaching out to us about his intention to kill himself. Since it is just a prologue, we're not as worried and we're actually anxious to find out why the character feels he must take his life. Was that your question, Vishal?
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, Perfect! That was my question!

I think I don't have quite an imagination, but [BBS' saying that Trent was a familiar name confused me. I don't think WOD or anyone for that would create an account at IF to announce his suicide. **shrugs**

I guess we have to wait a few days for chapter 1!!
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:59 am    Post subject: I think..... Reply with quote

Indeed, a most intriguing start. Very dark, true, but with a hint of hope about a rebirth. Has he been reborn befor? If not, how can he be so sure it will happen this time? What kind of life do you have to live to be that invisable?

I hope we find the answers, or at least some of them, soon!
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A chilling prologue. Looking forward to what the first chapter has to offer!

Welcome to IF, Warriorofdoom. Smile
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lewis Johnston, since birth, had loved going on morning strolls. His favorite path was through the Pat-Cell Park, where he could watch birds, smell the fresh air and look at delighted children play on the swings or try to do some tricks on the slide. But all that was when he was slightly younger, and not so rebellious. Now, what he focused on doing was over-hearing conversations between couples. And that is what he was doing right now.

He started doing it because he was never loved, and now, he does it to further his boss’ plans. Darn, don’t think about that. But he couldn’t stop himself. He sat down on a park bench and started weeping about his miserable life.

Lewis probably had the toughest life anyone on the planet did. Added to living in absolute poverty, his mother had died when she gave birth to him, and he had to live with his father, who would drink, come back home and beat him up. Over- exposure to alcohol had killed his father, and when he was just 7, he was left alone in this world.

Not actually, he had moved in with his uncle, and hoped that things would get better, but they just didn’t. After staying for a few days with his unmarried uncle, Lewis realized that his uncle was a homosexual. Lewis had then been abused sexually almost every-day for the next ten years of his life, after which he stole some money, packed his bags and ran as far as his malnourished feet would take him.

And that’s how he found this park. He was amazed by everything nature had done in collaboration with man, but he was even more amazed when he saw people happily talking and playing with each other. That was something he had never seen before.
It was also the first time he had seen real beauty, in the form of Elisabeth, with whom he would mate when he was just 19.

“Excuse me, Could you tell me the way out?”

Lewis looked up and blinked his tears back. The large woman, after seeing his face reeled back and muttered an apology.

Lewis tried to smile, but he didn’t know how it came out, because the woman, after seeing his smile, had turned away and almost started running.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality, from things that happened 12 years ago. Lewis considered smiling at everyone he saw, but decided against it. He had a job to do. The Soul Breakers needed public opinion, and parks were the best place to get them. People here would chat freely about whatever they felt like, and the Soul Breakers had made sure that they were the most talked about topic today.

The Soul Breakers were a group of rebels, who infamously used guerilla-warfare against the communist government comprised of 3 different parties. These parties were referred to under a single name: The Soul Makers. The name of the rebels, hence, was also a way in which the group mocked the government.

Yesterday, The Soul Breakers had taken down the President’s Private yacht, in what was supposed to be an ultimate overhaul. The president had escaped, only because the soul-breakers had wanted him to. He found a perfect group, sitting on a green spot on the ground. The mother was holding a baby boy in her hand, and chatting to her partner about the Soul Breakers. The baby boy made Lewis think of Trent, his own son, who had taken his own life with the help of cyanide pills some 10 years ago.
_____________________________________________________

“Aisha, I know this is probably the 100th time I’m asking you, do you have any idea where Kayne is?”

“NO! Mum, I know you’re worried, but you can stop asking me that over and over again.” was the reply Katherine got when she asked her daughter about the disappearance of her son.

Aisha was just a girl of 14, and her brother Kayne, was almost 11. They had both gone to school and returned, but Kayne just disappeared, worrying his mother to no end.

“He could have gone to play, but what I am worried about is that his father’s pistol is missing as well. If Kayne had taken it, your dad is gonna be freaking furious.” Katherine said.

“Mum, there is something I must tell you about Kayne….”

“Go on..”

“Well, in school, he suddenly started acting like a grown-up. Said he could handle things on his own, and stopped making fun of his friends.”

“You think that has got something to do with his disappearance?”

“Actually, yes. You see, in school they had given us a load of home work, and a couple of assignments, which I will have to complete and submit by next week, and then-“

“Will you get to the point, Aisha?”

“Sorry, sorry. They had given us a form to complete, and then we had to sign it. It was about a National Science Olympiad, and well…. Kayne signed himself as a Trent Johnston.”

Katherine stared at her daughter. Words had formed in her brain, but they refused to come out of her mouth, almost choking her.

“Trent Johnston?” Where the hell did he get that name from?”

“I don’t know, mum. Our teacher sort of sent him out of the class, when he refused to sign as Kayne. Later on, I asked him to stop being stupid, and be himself, but I got freaking scared when he asked me who I was.”

Katherine almost felt like crying now. Was her son going mad?

“Are you telling me that my son is losing it?” Katherine asked.

“I just don’t know, mum.”

Katherine felt tears forming at her eyes, and being pushed down her cheek. She swallowed the excess saliva her body was producing now, and started to weep.

“Do you even know how your dad will react to all this? He’s going to get really frustrated.” Then, she realized something else.

“What if he took dad’s gun?”

Aisha could only stare at her mother, and pray that she wasn’t going to go mad as well.
________________________________________________________________________

Kayne was running for the past half-an-hour. He didn’t know where he was going, but his legs just seemed to take him where-ever they pleased. He suddenly felt more grown up inside. His brain was thinking something, but his soul seemed to be dictating something else.

His legs finally managed to stop at one point. Looking around, he saw that he was on a dusty road, complete with road side shops and thatched huts.

That man has been following you since you left home

“What?” he said. Was that his soul speaking? He turned his head from side to side, searching frantically for a source of sound, or a man. He looked back, and caught a glimpse of a tall auburn man in dark glasses, taking frequent glances at him.

Yes, that’s the guy

Kayne wasn’t sure if that man was following him or not. He had, surely, seen him before but he didn’t want to do anything stupid here. As the man was drawing closer to him, he felt his legs instinctively take him farther away.

We also need food, water, and a place to stay… Are you willing to rob?

Kayne tried to shake the thoughts away, but he just couldn’t. Besides, he was sure that the man had a weapon in his pocket. He suddenly felt a chill in his own pocket, as he realized that his father’s pistol was in there. It would take him just a second to whip his own weapon out, and he felt a strong urge to do so, but this time, he decided to think before yielding to urges.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, that took reading a few times through to get the significances of what you were saying there, but then, there was the sense that there was something significant woven within all along that I felt I must have been missing which prompted the rereads. Now I understand.

It might've helped a bit if the second portion had painted the scene a bit... I was thrown off at first thinking it was a conversation being overheard in the park.

Anyhow, now that I understand, I actually liked it. A little rough on some of the delivery but I think you'll get some of that sorted out with practice so I don't feel like picking at the niggles at the moment.

In fact, there's the hint of some real advanced thinking in the way you're delivering the plot points here... much like a sophisticated movie plot really.

As for the DP, I guess he's snapped out of it and thinks of himself as the boy right now and must be a bit scared and confused by what is happening in general. I would keep my hand on the weapon and approach the man... If I'm being followed by a stranger, perhaps he knows more about my recent blackout than I do and can help me to understand what the hell is going on here.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:53 pm    Post subject: I Think...... Reply with quote

Wow, my mind went all fuzzy reading that. The ideas and plot are awesome, but I agree with Thunder-kun, the delivery needs some work. The age if the guy whos son died was extreamly confuseing. But over all, I love this so far.

The DP......I'd try listening to that little voice. It's not always the 'inasne' who hear voices, and it seems to be maing sense right now. So, get away somewhere, and talk to 'yourself'.
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this was a entertaining first chapter! There just seems to be a hint that you're preparing us for some surprise later on, and this keeps me hooked wanting to read more. Trent died 12 years ago right. Was he reborn as Kayne two years hence?

I find going to the man a dangerous option. Our little inner voice, which I guess is Trent talking to us, warns us about him. Also Trent seems to pull our legs away from him, so Trent must know that guy. But why won't he just tell us?

I also am a bit confused with the DP. I immediately figured that the DP was what we do now, and the question of food and shelter. And I will suggest on those points.

I think the obvious thing to do right now is to ask the man straight out. We could try to put in a few words which makes him think we're from around this area, that would help if his motive was kidnap. If he is a genuinely nice person, it would be time to find out about ourselves. Either way, we approach with our hands on the pistol.

About food and shelter, I don't think we'd want to rob and get ourselves in trouble here. We need to find a shelter home for children, but if everything here is charged facilities, we might have no other option.
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad that all of you liked my first chapter. I must admit that I felt that there was some polishing to do, but i figured this would be good enough. Like Thunderbird said, I guess I would grow as I go.

DP -

Yes Vishal, The DP is also about the question of food, water and a place to stay. The others can send their suggestion for this question as well.

Thank you all for your suggestions, suggestion phase will go till probably the 25th, after which we will go polling, so try to get your suggestions in by the mentioned date!!
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Vishal, Trent died 10 years ago Razz

Yes, amazing plot and well written but there's one glitch Id like to point out

Quote:
The president had escaped, only because the soul-breakers had wanted him to. He found a perfect group, sitting on a green spot on the ground. The mother was holding a baby boy in her hand, and chatting to her partner about the Soul Breakers.


Over there, the "he" confused me. It looked like you were referring to the Prez. Confused

Anyway, the rest of the chapter was pretty good and I'm waiting for Chapter 2.

As for the DP, I guess we just go and ask that guy what he's doing with a hand on the pistol. Most probably, Kayne is Trent reborn and he obviously has memories of his previous birth. Whoever that dude is, I think Trent knew him.

Anyway, we shoot if the dude is bad. If not, We stick with him and trust him to take care of food and shelter. If the guy seems to get any smart ideas, we still have the pistol Very Happy And if we've already shot the guy, we need to find a childcare home.....
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 7:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess I will have to wait for Crunchyfrog, Lebrenth, and Splitpin before putting up a Poll. There seems to be low activity around this SG...
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hectic weekend, sorry! But catching up now.

You have a high impact prologue, and you've linked to it well in the first chapter, and there are some interesting threads appearing in this story. I agree with all the comments Thunderbird made. That said, I'm intrigued as to how it will all develop.

For the DP - I agree that Trent seems to have become dormant in Kayne just now, so I think - having snapped back to his senses, and being just a young boy, his instinct would be to run back home.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 9:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
She swallowed the excess saliva her body was producing now


... I think just "she swallowed" would have been sufficient to get the point across...

Nice start! I trust the voice so I think I should do as it says. I think the guy following us should be avoided. We should try to lose him, which shouldn't be too hard if we can find a good crowd. Being a kid, we wouldn't be seen over the shoulders of others, so blending and slipping away should be easy. Otherwise I'll suspect supernatural tracking abilities which means we should attempt an ambush. It's a good thing we're armed!

"Try to lose the stranger and ambush him if it can't be done" would be how I worded the poll option. Your choice of course. I'm also not opposed to stealing if it's clear that it is important, but we could get in trouble so we definitely need to be careful. We do know how to use a gun, right?

By the way, you probably ought to give at least a week before putting up a poll. The pacing of IF has a long measure between chapters. If you don't give a fair amount of time inbetween, you'll lose readers. Likewise, if there's too much time between chapters you'll lose readers. Finally, of course, if the story gets long enough, maybe around 12 chapters, you'll start losing readers. We're also going into a holiday slump in IF when everyone is gone or preoccupied during the holidays. Just a little advice, and a heads up.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I am sorry for my late response as well!!! Got stuck up in RL too!

Crunchy, your suggestion is really good, except for the fact that Kayne probably doesn't know where he is, or his way back home. We need to do something about that guy, plus, we will also have to stay safe.

Thanks for your heads up, Lebrenth! I must admit I took a break as well!! Your suggestion is a really solid one, but I am wondering what would happen in case we are discovered for shooting a guy. We must also remember that the man might be armed, and if we could also get shot if we fail at our ambush attempt. (By the way, I would leave handling the gun to Trent Cool )

I think I'm going to put up the poll now....!
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 7:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess I already did this, but I'm going to have to do it again....

POLLS ARE UP!!
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm hoping we won't have to fight. The longer the stranger follows us, the more he knows and the longer he has to get help, if he's associated with anyone. He's bad news, so we need to do something to get rid of him. I wouldn't say it's absolutely necessary to shoot on sight either. If we get the draw on him without him drawing his own gun (if he has one), we can ask questions in safety. Maybe we can get an extra gun too.
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find that there's nothing about the robbery part in the poll, but I am guessing that its because we all agreed to the same point- We do it only if completely necessary. It seems to me that this man is a very important character, either the supporting character or a important antagonist(I trust the voice, he is most probably a evil guy), either way, the way we handle this situation could be very important.

I go with Lebby here, I don't want to create any chaos unless its completely necessary. It could turn out to be a mistake if the voice is trying to mislead us, we have no clue to that as of now, but this would be the best thing to do.
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kayne could just stand transfixed at a particular spot, for he still hadn’t decided what to do. He was being pushed and jostled by the crowd, but he remained unaffected. People also literally kicked him out of the way and swore under their breath. The crowd of human beings were moving haphazardly on all directions, many of them heading to liquor shops, a few towards road-side food stalls. His analysis of the surroundings tell Kayne that he was in a very busy road of a slum, but his eyes would refuse to budge off a particular man, tall and auburn, wearing dark glasses, who had comfortably settled himself in a newspaper stall.

The man didn’t seem to move as well. Kayne could see him sitting on a worn out wooden bench, pretending to read a copy of “The News Palace”. My father is the editor of that paper Kayne was thinking. Ever since he left home, he wanted to go back, but somehow, he just couldn’t. He found this place unhygienic, and that’s what his father always warned him off. Three stray dogs had comfortably settled themselves on the man’s feet, something which was quite common in the slum Kayne found himself in.

After Kayne regained control of his limbs, he started moving aimlessly. This was his plan to find out if the man was really interested in him. The man did seem to be reading the newspaper at first, but Kayne noticed that his eyes lift up and search for him after sometime. The man was also slowly inching closer, with a newspaper in hand. Kayne moved towards the side, and waited. The man’s eyes came of the paper again, and then searched. The eyes stopped when they hit Kayne. Kayne wondered if he could take out the gun and shoot the man down.

Its in your pocket, son…

Kayne tried to shake the thought off, but they just seemed to come harder at him. His vision slowly started blurring.

Do it now, and you will thank me later.

The voice seemed to get more assertive now. As Kayne tried to fight the voice within him, water started to seep out of his already blurred eyes. His legs seemed to give way, and he staggered. There was something within him that worked its way to his throat, and started to strangle him.

Hands in the pocket, NOW!

By now, Kayne’s staggering had gotten so worse that he slammed himself on to an unsuspecting passerby next to him. The slam brought him back to his senses, but he was now looking at a very angry man. The man uttered a word of abuse, and all that the panting Kayne could say was “Thank you.”

Back to his senses now, Kayne returned to taking glimpses at the man. The man had gotten closer to him now. Was that why that the inner voice got so agitated? He watched the man take a glimpse at him and take a step forward. As soon as the man returned to his newspaper, Kayne ducked and dived to his left, and ended up crashing again. This time, the victim was a teenaged female, who probably preferred to glare. Kayne got up, and started to bend over the shoulders of others, leaving the girl without a thought of apology.

Kayne now started to move at a haphazard path, occasionally glancing at the man, who had a really bewildered look on his face.

Running uh?

Kayne didn’t expect the voice to return so quickly. But he just ignored it, and the voice chose to remain silent. Kayne kept jogging away from the man, and he felt the man’s presence behind him. Kayne dived, ducked and jumped over the traffic of humans and over-filled trashcans. Every time he turned around, he could see the man. The man was in viewing range, and somehow, he managed to stay so, despite Kayne being younger, and the crowd’s agitated movement. Spotting a deserted path towards the left a few paces ahead, Kayne wondered if it would be of any help. The path was almost covered with overgrown bushes, and the trees there were thicker than anywhere else in the slum. It could prove to be useful.

But how?

Suddenly Kayne got an idea. With the agility of a cat, he took the path while making sure that the man could see him. Then climbing a tree as quick as he could, he drew out his gun and waited. He waited for the man to come. He was planning an ambush now.

The man came a few seconds later, and as if by magic, stopped exactly under the tree where Kayne was. Kayne could see the man looking from side to side, searching frantically. Kayne drew his gun, and taking a deep breath, he jumped, his feet aimed at the top of the man’s head. The man suddenly looked up, but it was too late. One of Kayne’s feet landed on the man’s mouth, and the other hit the top of the man’s head. The man hit the floor, and Kayne landed on top of him, but the man didn’t make a sound.

Kayne, being younger got up first, and aimed his gun directly at the man’s head. He could hear his heart thumping against his chest now. He had never handled a gun before.

Allow me.

Kayne submitted to the voice now, and his fears and nervousness seemed to disappear magically. Kayne felt more confident now, and tried to imitate his favorite movie stars in this small interrogation session.

“Who in the blue hell are you?” Kayne asked. That was one of The Rock’s catchphrases from the WWE. Kayne almost smiled.

The man seemed confused by the weird phrase, but regained his composure and gave an answer in a husky voice.

“A friend.”

“A friend? I’ve never seen you before”

“Sort of obvious, isn’t it? Look, I know who is trying to take over your body. I know all about what you were, what you are, and what you are destined to be.”

Do not believe him, the only friend of yours here is me.

Kayne thought back his answer. “Then why did you try to strangle me a few minutes ago?”

There was no reply. Kayne turned his attention back to the man.

“How am I supposed to believe you?”

Sighing, the man finally stands up and then begins to talk.

“Yes, it is really hard to believe certain things right? Unfortunately, I don’t see any way of proving my good-heartedness to you, unless you suggest something.”

Kayne just glared. The man spoke again.

“Look, its understandable that you are suspicious, but just think about it. I’m giving you an opportunity to come with me. You will get a place to stay, food shelter and everything. This might sound like kidnapping but it isn’t.” The man suddenly stopped speaking and looked at Kayne.

“How did you manage to keep up with me?”

The man smiled. Kayne was getting half-minded now. It would be easier to convince him to see the larger picture of things. His inner voice had to be eradicated.

“You belong to a really special clan of human beings, and you are special because you have 2 souls inside you. One is yours and the other is someone else’s. The government didn’t name their party Soul Makers for no reason, you see.” The man paused here before continuing.

“You see Kayne, in this world, its always more than what meets the eye. I will explain it to you, but I think we both would prefer to get out of this crappy slum”

Saying this, the man turned around and started walking. Kayne was still half-minded about going with the guy.

Trust me Kayne, I am the friend. He said it himself didn’t he? Its always more than meets the eye. He is not the saint he claims to be.

As usual, Kayne thought back his answer. “What if I go with him, and then try ambushing him later?”

That might…

“Are you coming?” The man had just come back to fetch Kayne, and he had interrupted the voice. The man had an unrecognizable expression on his face. Kayne sighed. This would be one important decision he would have to take.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Watch out for tense shifts, going from 'he did stuff' to 'he's doing stuff', and back again in mid chapter.

In the first part, some of the details given seemed to be a little disjointed somehow but I can't quite put a finger on how to explain that any better. All I can say is it ended up with me losing what was being said and I began to drift in my head a bit so I got derailed somewhere... then again, that could just be me Wink

I was also led to wondering what poll result won? This didn't seem to play out how I thought it would.

Now, all crits aside, I AM enjoying this so far and you certainly haven't lost me. We need to know more, now, about what this guy knows. We'll have lots of private time to speak with the voice inside our head, but if this guy can give us a second opinion, it would seem best to listen! I don't understand why we're agreeing to feel hostile towards this guy at all right now... I'd be more worried about whatever's on the INSIDE at the moment, as that's something that would be hard to fight if it's the enemy!

So my vote is to give this guy his due and to hell with the voice inside!
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Waah! Nice chapter!!

As Thunderbird said, there were quite a few tense shifts in the chapters, and also, I found some of the details unimportant, such as his dad being a editor of a newspaper (though that could turn out later in the story). This is a sophisticated plot, we're following a person who has two souls within him, and its really easy to get carried away. I hope that won't happen to you!

But, I didn't lose what was being said, and I enjoyed this. I don't know what Tbird meant, but he's more experienced than I am, so I'll let him do the explanation part.

About poll result, I didn't find anything wrong with that too... We did try to lose the stranger, and we ambushed him because it wasn't possible.

As for the DP,

We should go with the man, at-least for food and shelter, and what Tbird pointed out is scary. It would be very hard to fight whatever is on the inside, so its safer to go with the man. If the voice is our enemy, it doesn't seem to want us to go with the man. We anyway have a gun!!
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

More than a week since the chapter went up.... I think I'll start polling after a few days to get some more suggestions in..!
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:09 pm    Post subject: I think..... Reply with quote

Oki, mind about exploded trying to understand the whos-a-ma-whats-its of all that was going on in the chapter. Half the time he seemed to know what he's doing, the other half, there's no control. With all the ducking and dodging, but still being seen, how in the world did one little tree climb get him out of view? I also think 'Slum' is a very loose term. I'd enjoy a bit more description of his surroundings.

I'm loving the concept so far, and the story seems to be heading in an interesting direction. A tale as old as time, don't make it a bad tale Laughing

Fr the DP....Well, no one else said it, so I guess I gotta! (That and it's what I'd do) LISTEN to the voice. No matter what, if it's inside you, it's looking for self preservation, and yours! Even if it want your body, I feel it's more managable than some random guy who didn't even flinch at having a gun pointed at his head. So,, either Pop the guy, and run, or, just run like hell!

Looking forward to more!
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2011 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for the extremely late poll, but I had a lot of RL exams and stuff to do. Im really sorry, but anyway... POLL UP!!!
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's it?! Just two votes??!
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, yes. The poll's been up for a week, but I've decided to let it run for a few days, I want a few more votes....
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 9:14 am    Post subject: 'ted Reply with quote

Voted. Although part of me wants to stick to the plan, there are a few indicators that we shouldn't listen to our inner voice. If nothing else, we know the voice has been telling us to rob and murder, and when is it wise to listen to voices in our heads when they tell us to do that?

As a sleepwalker who is accustomed finding himself in a very bizarre situation while only half-awake, it is my policy not to shoot anyone, even obvious threats, until I know with absolute certainty that I'm not hallucinating. Maybe we'll regret it, but I think we better trust the flesh and blood person first. However, it does make me nervous that he doesn't seem scared by our ambush. If this was still the suggestion phase, I would say fire a shot into the ground to see what his reaction was. I'd like to at least see him jump like a normal human.


Critique wise, I feel like I'm following the story and description just fine. The extra details do their job without getting in the way of the story (I like the stray dogs hanging around, for instance). This is an important DP, which is good, but I'm hoping we can get deeper into the purpose of the story soon. What is the Legion of Soul Breakers? What is the conflict and how do we fit in?

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Though I missed the suggestion phase, I'm glad I got here in time for the vote. I agree with Lebby to trust what seems most real... at least for now.
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

4 votes! Im guessing that's enough. I'd keep the poll open a few more days, but the poll looks decided. Thanks for voting!

Wow, leberenth, that was going to be on top of my preview list(even though the poll's not closed)!!! I just realized that I can't keep things away for too long. So here we go with the preview:

Relevation of the Legion(and Kayne's role).
Trent Johnston and his band of people.
A probable death.
Confusion.
More confusion.
Even more confusion.
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah I don't see that poll turning around any time soon Wink
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 1:59 pm    Post subject: Whaaaa Reply with quote

Whaaaaa*Cries* no one listens to the little voices any more.... I feel so aloooone. I got super out-voted here...makes me sad....but hopeful to be of the seeing on new chapters! *Stares with a happy grin on face*
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, you can start writing the next chapter! Keep it going!
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha! Guess I was right! LOL pope, you sure will get your chances! stick around! AND
Welcome to the Legion, Ingro! Hope you liked it so far!

Now, the poll's closed and deleted. We ditch the voice and go with the man. The next chapter will get us kicked out of the intro stage into more action, and I am looking forward to finish it off. It should take some time though!
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 12, 2011 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 3

Kayne, with his eyes still fixed on the man, lowered the gun back into his pocket. “Yes” he whispered, dragging his legs as he walked a few paces behind the man. The man led him through the thoroughly disorganized inhabitation, into a clearing. And for the entire half-an-hour journey on foot, the man didn’t say a word, despite Kayne’s repeated advances.

The large area Kayne found himself in was totally devoid of green. The floor was cemented, and soon Kayne realized why. In the middle of the clearing, there was a large black-and-red chopper. Two armed men, clothed in black waited outside, as Kayne followed the man who was taking long strides towards the chopper. The man stopped abruptly in front of a machine fixed to the side of the chopper. Lowering his glasses, the man placed his right eye on the machine’s lens. The display screen went blank for a second, and then read : Retina Pattern Identified, Name : Marshall Johnson. Position: Senior Advisor and Assistant Manager. Growling a ‘move’ to the security men, Marshall marched his way through the chopper, not even turning around to ask the men to ‘let the kid in’.

Kayne was literally pushed into the chopper by the bulkier of the two men, and as Kayne turned around to glare, he was sure he noticed the man smile. Saying nothing, Kayne turned around and looked at where he would stay for his journey. The chopper had plush seats, and was incredibly luxurious for any person. Kayne also noticed that he could barely stand. If he was a bit taller, his head might have hit the top of the chopper, but Kayne didn’t care much. His brain was overloaded with questions.

“Where are we going?” Kayne asked first, just as the two men took control of the chopper. Marshall waited for the take off to be complete before answering the question.

“To Brackly’s Creek” Marshall replied. Kayne had heard about that place. It was supposed to be so beautiful that you would intoxicated by nature’s exotic beauty. It was a small creek situated on Brackly’s hill, surrounded by splendorous green. There were a lot of caves and such which would make the perfect place for any nature lover to stay. It would also be the last place anyone would look in for fugitives, and if you happened to be a nature loving fugitive, the place is heaven.

“Why are we going there?” Kayne asked. He still wanted details about this little journey he was going to take.

Marshall took his eye off the playboy magazine and looked Kayne in the eye, and then replied.

“Because the place is heaven. You’ll love it when we get there. Once we are there….” He paused, checking his watch, “which should be in about three hours, I’ll fill you in on everything I know about you, The Soulbreakers, and about myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some shut-eye” said Marshall, and closed his eyes. The magazine slid down to his hips, and Marshall slipped into sleep.

Kayne looked at the sleeping man, and decided that he needed the rest as well. As he leaned back onto his seat, a familiar sensation bubbled in his stomach
.
Brackly’s Creek….not a seriously good place to stay you know..

Kayne jolted up and started his little conversation with the voice.

‘What do you mean? It is supposed to be beautiful!’

A great hiding place for dangerous men…. Like that guy over there. You are getting yourself into trouble.

‘Look. Why are you so interested in him? He seems to be perfectly normal. Wait, what the hell are you doing inside my body anyway?’

He is a very dangerous person. You will not want to stick with him. Escape when you get the chance. What I am doing is helping you, and the world. TRUST ME.

‘That is entirely my decision. I don’t want to run away. I need food and water. You can shut up and let me get the rest I deserve.’

Oh, really?

Kayne felt a sudden surge move up his chest. His chest was getting very heavy, and Kayne could barely breathe. Struggling to even whisper, Kayne frantically began kicking around. One of the pilots turned around took a shot. The bullet missed Kayne’s head by inches, and slammed itself on the headrest. The feeling of the voice disappeared almost completely. Kayne was too shocked to say anything. He just leaned back once again, and shut his eye.
___________________________________

When Kayne woke up, the chopper was making circles around a lovely island hill. Kayne stared as the picture of the place he had seen since he was a child was magically right there below him. Kayne noticed that the chopper was going further with each circle. Sighing, Kayne sat back on his seat and fastened the seat=belt. He was almost there, just a few more minutes to landing.

The chopper slowly started to figure out the path it would take, heading for an artificial clearing on the hill. Kayne saw Marshall wake up with a sudden jerk as the chopper touched down. The impact was felt by Kayne as well. Kayne shut his eye out of fear, and didn’t open them until the chopper was completely still. Slowly breathing out, and relaxing his tensed body, Kayne opened his eyes and stood up. Marshall was already putting his stuff together, and the pilots were already off the chopper. Marshall did a final pack-in into his back pack, and pulled Kayne out of the chopper.

Kayne barely got off the grass when he heard Marshall talking to a few more people. Kayne, after managing to stand up, took a look around his surroundings. What he saw stunned him. It was just pure beauty. Green was everywhere. Violet, red and blue flowers, among others were present in large amounts. Kayne was awe-struck.

Before he could properly appreciate the hill, he felt a strong arm pull him towards the contingent of men, each one of them wearing black shades.

“Whats up with you guys and black? Is it a uniform or something?” Kayne asked.

The men completely ignored his question. They just started talking as if Kayne hadn’t said a word. Marshall stepped forward to make the first few words.

“Kayne, welcome to the Legion” he said, before continuing. “I am Marshall, the senior advisor and one of the assistant managers of the faction. These men over here….” he said pointing to the two pilots, “are Bruce and Dwayne, they accompanied us, as you know.” Kayne recognized Dwayne as the man who had hurt him earlier, and the one who had taken a shot. But Kayne, for now, didn’t say anything.

“The other two people here, Auliene and Alex are… a part of our group. You will not have to worry about them much; they are here for overseeing the procedures.” Marshall continued. Auliene was a brunette, and the only female of the lot. She was tall, and of a perfect build, and she did not even smile on looking at Kayne. Kayne shifted his attention to Alex, who had short, black hair, and was the only person who smiled. Kayne couldn’t help smiling back, but he was lost for words. This was getting very confusing.

Kayne could feel Marshall’s intense gaze on his cheek, as if expecting something. Kayne heard Marshall give a disgruntled sigh before saying, “Well, looks like you have nothing to say. You can go back to sleep, and we’ll take you to our headquarters.”

Somehow, Kayne felt that Marshall hadn’t given him permission of any sort. It was more like an order. Something like, close your eyes, we don’t want you to know where you are being taken.

Kayne, taking time to reply said, “No, its fine, I can stay awake. Besides I don’t feel sleepy.”

Marshall’s eyes took a steelish glint. “You don’t?”

Before Kayne could finish saying ‘no’, he felt a needle prick him. Before he realized that he was being drugged, his eyes went blurry, and he slipped out of consciousness.
___________________________________

When Kayne woke up, he found himself in a large grim room. He tried to get up off of his ‘bed’ which was just soft mud piled on top of a couple of boulders, but hit his head on a chunk of stone hanging above his head. Rubbing his sore forehead, Kayne decided to look around before attempting to move.

Slowly and carefully standing up, Kayne stretched his back before looking around. He immediately recognized that he was inside a cave. A cave that was slowly being made liveable by the humans trying to live in it. There already were windows and a large wooden door, but it was very ancient looking. There was nothing much to notice around him. He was just considering returning to the mud bed, before a sensation bubbled inside his stomach.

There are things here waiting to be discovered.

Kayne stirred. His brain was getting fuzzed up. What he felt now was confusion. He waited for the voice to speak again.

You want to learn stuff you never dreamed would exist?

That question probably didn’t need a reply. Because Kayne slowly felt himself losing control of his limbs. Exerting all his force, he struggled to keep his legs where they were. The voice seemed to relax.

You are going to see who your real friend is. For some time, just for the next 5 minutes, trust me. Later on, it will be your choice.

Kayne started thinking. There really was no harm if he listened to the voice. The voice seemed to get violent only when he resisted it. When he accepted it as his own thoughts, it didn’t fight. Nor did it take complete control of his body. Kayne figured that he could listen. Slowly, he relaxed his limbs, and did not feel a sudden pull-away that he half expected.

Suddenly, Kayne had an influx of ideas. Feeling excitement, Kayne dropped to his knees and groped in the dark. Finding a stone of about the right size, he lifted it and flung it hard at the window directly opposite to the door.

The window shattered, making a loud noise as it fell. Now Kayne stood up and walked over to the door, and pushed it. But the door did not budge. DAMNIT! Kayne could hear Auliene screaming something in Italian. The voices seemed closer. This was getting more confusing.

For some unknown reason, Kayne felt terribly panicky. He picked up boulders and began flinging them at the door. The door seemed to give way at first, but still held firm. Feeling desperate, Kayne ran and threw himself on the door. The door fell down, crumbling into pieces. As the power of the voice, took over and pulled Kayne through the large room he found himself in, Kayne realized that the door was not the only thing he had broken. His left shoulder stung at impact and now hurt at the slightest movement.

Kayne found himself running through a forest of bricks, apparently going nowhere. Well, that was probably because he was surrounded by large boulders and practically was nowhere. But his limbs didn’t seem to listen they dragged on and on.

Suddenly, Kayne regained total control of his body. When he opened his eyes, he found himself in a high tech lab. There were piles of papers and other cool looking gizmos but one thing that stood out was a large super computer, bang in the middle of the lab. Kayne, forgetting about the pain in his left arm, walked, dazed towards the computer. He stood staring at the blank screen, as if ready to go into a trance.

Then he heard a gunshot, and an echo. Again, panic arose within him as he bought the comp into life. Every file in the computer was titled TOP SECRET. Kayne, without thinking, opened the file titled “TOP SECRET-SPIED-TARGETS’. But it turned out that the file had a password protection.

Getting a tad bit irritated at not even knowing what he was doing, or what was going on, he succumbed to another attack of the bubbling sensation. His mind suddenly felt clear, and breathing heavily, his fingers slowly typed out the word ‘SOULBREAKERS’ on the password screen. The page refreshed, and the file opened.
What he saw then made a chill run up his spine. On top was a picture of his father, with the word ‘ELIMINATED’ right next to it. His father was dead. Murdered by some random people.

The next picture, showed a picture of him. Kayne looking at the picture fought back tears. The name ‘Kayne’ was written right next to it, and the status was ‘still searching’. Kayne didn’t know what to do now. He had trusted the man, but this seemed to show a different story. Sighing, Kayne took few steps to the window. Or the voice took him there. When he looked out, he saw the 4 people in black, talking to each other. Then he felt a chill in his pocket. Looking out, he tried to decide what to do.
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 12:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the writing style shows improvements.

However, I'm reeeeeeeealy confused as to where we ARE exactly. We were in a cave that had little detail and then suddenly we were smashing throuh a window? The descriptions did not blend and it was extremely jarring to realize my mental image was somehow off.

And the DP... what exactly is our decision? And whats up with the chill in his pocket? I guess I'll say to investigate the chill.

On a positive note, I think it was intriguing to discover he's been taken in by those who could be enemies, but we shouldn't automatically assume that the guys who brought us here aren't spying on the group that represents the real enemy. Still, I guess we're talking about a possible fight for survival here so its best to hide and escape somehow.
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