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Legion of Soul Breakers CHAPTER 4 IS (FINALLY) UP!!!!
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Vishal Muralidharan
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exactly... I think you lost it in the cave part.

But it was still a good read. I guess the chill is the feeling of the gun? The voice is telling us to shoot I guess, because we have had the 'chillness' in the pocket before.

I think... take a breather. Try to figure out exactly what is going on. Get in the know, and this time do it without the voice. Lets take some rational decisions for ourselves. I wouldn't want to shoot now.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 7:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*sigh* The last part of the chapter was, admittedly, written in a hurry and did not recieve any editing at all, but I wanted to put this up as quickly as possible. Looks like I made a mistake.

But, Vishal is right. It is the gun I'm talking about. Thanks for that suggestion, Vishal. Thunderbird has made a good observation. Lets wait and see what the others think of this.
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 1:51 pm    Post subject: I think..... Reply with quote

Hwaaaaa!!!*Brain explodes* Such major fuzzles in this one. Those two are right, very confusing....BUT it just needs a little more desctiptivness to come together. I'm like'in the voice! I love voices in the head. But, I must say, most voices like this are less self destructive form my experience as a psycologist. But, it's your story, have at it!

I dun' like the MIB here. Kidnapping, shooting at, drugging, imprisoning our little hero, all in a short amount of time! Even if they arn't the bad guys, they are NOT people you wanna associate with! Minda like X-men. The humans THINK they're doing the right thing, but it's just wrong....

I say, take a breather, take any time you got left here to hunt through files. Maybe look up more guys like you that they're still searching for. Y'know, look up what info they got on them so you can look yerself. If you can find these 'Soulbreakers' then you can decide for yerself wether or not they're good guys or bad guys. The MIB seem to think you're one of them, so I don't think they'd have too much of a problem if you found them.

Well, that's my idea. Oh, adn shoot the guy who shot at you. It seems that whatever he knows, he knows how to drive yer helpful little voice away. Meanie!!!

Good work, keep chugin' along! You can do it! Now, I need to get back to my chapters.... Razz
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My bad! I did really feel slack while writing the chapter. And Thanks for your suggestions, people! Do I see anymore??
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 8:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THATS IT PEOPLE?
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

IF is a bit slower than it used to be but I'm sure more will come to read as you write more. It's good to keep a measured pace with these things.
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 12:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The DP is a little hard to work with. I believe our decision is whether to try to escape or not. Considering the name "Legion of Soulbreakers" we're probably not associating with nice people. We were forced to come to the island and we've been drugged. The computer suggests they're eliminating people like us too. However, they didn't take our gun. Either that's a major oversight, or they trust us. They haven't been nice enough to trust, so let's just get out of this place. If we bump into someone, maybe we can ask questions at gun point. Otherwise, we need a vehicle to get away in, so we need to do that.

The voice is just as suspicious as these people, but since it seems to have supernatural power, we may need its help, so we may as well go back to trusting it.

Writing wise, the description is quite confusing in the cave, but the narrative moved nicely up to that point.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another Suggestion. Thank you, lebby!
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Polls are up!!!
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 6:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, another sticky!!!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 9:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry for the tie, I voted to listen to the voice. It knows things we do not and seems to be capable of getting us out of this mess. If it can be trusted, it can probably tell us what we need to know about these soulbreakers... so let's see if we can trust it. (But of course, now we need someone to break the tie).
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

s'okay! Wink
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2011 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And a tie between...

Hunt through the files. Search for more clues about these people. If they wanted to kill you, they'd have done it earlier.

and...

Ask the voice.

After having a good long think, I've decided to combine the options for the next chapter. Thanks for the votes!!!!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That works... I've had to do that on a few occasions and when you can its a nice solution. Looking forward to the next installment WoD!
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2011 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hopefully, It'll do fine here as well. And I have more time on my hands to write Chap 4, and you won't be disappointed!

In the hindsight, I realizd that the title still said "polling", I changed it now. Whistle
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How is the chapter going? I know how easy it is to get stuck and not pick it back up, so here's just a little "Hey, where's the chapter!?"

We're looking forward to it!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was reminded of this when I read Chinaren's "Run". Little voices appear there too... So yeah.. looking forward to it!
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2011 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Spins* Just adding my own little "voice" to the matter, and iving a swift kick in the toosh! You can do it!
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2011 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Terribly sorry.

The chapter is going well, but is extremely delayed. This is because, well, I was out of town and then accidents happened, some people died, I fractured a hand and all sorts of stuff. Majority of my folks are okay, btw.

So yeah, I've done some parts to the chapter. Look forward to another Lewis Johnston segment!
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"Be the change you wish to see in the World"-Mahatma Gandhi.
"A revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall."-Ernesto Che Guevera
"Even in the valley of shodow of death, two and two do not make six." -Leo Tolstoy.
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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2011 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sheesh! That was delivered rather non-chalantly for such a topic matter. Wow... I'm glad you and your folks are ok.
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PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2011 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Im here only because the incident is behind me now. And thanks for the sentiment.
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"Be the change you wish to see in the World"-Mahatma Gandhi.
"A revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall."-Ernesto Che Guevera
"Even in the valley of shodow of death, two and two do not make six." -Leo Tolstoy.
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PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2011 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's sounds terrifying. I'm very sorry to hear that you've been through something that sounds so tragic. I hope you have found a way to return to normalcy. We'll be around when you manage the next chapter, meanwhile don't worry yourself to much about it.
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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2011 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

1 word.... OUCH!
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 5:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lewis Johnston woke up from bed, which was creaking under his not-so-high weight. Sitting on the bed, his hands groped around a dusty wooden bench positioned to the right of his bed, until it hit his spectacles. Lewis then proceeded to wash his face, before sitting down on his rocking chair, and reviewing his objective.

The other day, He had gone to the Pat-Cell Park, hoping to discover useful information for his boss. Unfortunately, he ended up finding out nothing, except that it is possible to smell a squirrel’s fart.

He, jokingly, in his mind had considered telling this to his boss, but then, he knew it’d probably be the last thing he ever said. The boss’ had a terribly short temper, which had posed a new problem to him. He had heard that people who didn’t finish their jobs had had their tongues cut out and were forced to eat them, but Lewis didn’t think that his boss would do that to him. After all, it would be his first failure.

Later on, Lewis had realized that his boss’ seventh daughter had hit puberty, and hence the boss’ was in an unusually good mood. Iqbal had gotten away with just forced fasting because the food wasn’t good enough, and that was a good sign.

Lewis later endured a terrible ass whooping before returning to his crib and falling into a deep slumber, the one from which he had just woken up.

Well, I have a new job Lewis thought, forcing himself up and shuffling out of the rocking chair. He got on to his “morning chores” as he called them. After taking a quick shower, He headed out of his place and looked inside a trash-can, hoping to find breakfast. There was a big loaf of bread inside, but it was fast disappearing into the stomach of his adopted pet cat. Dang! Skittles beat me to it again.

It was at times like these that Lewis felt like strangling Skittles and eating it, but he preferred stealing breakfast. It didn’t leave claw marks on his hand. And all he had to do in this Below Poverty Line neighborhood was find a crowded store. It was the same thing he did every day. The shopkeeper would be bombarded with orders and insults for not delivering orders quick enough. Lewis just had to wait and pick a time to steal some food. Today’s breakfast was fried bacon. How the hell did that get into this shop?!

He carefully shuffled back to his crib with a plate(which was also stolen) of fried beacon. The cat looked longingly at Lewis’ plate. Lewis gave the cat a kick before as he walked past it. This would ensure that his cat wouldn’t move for the next 15 minutes.

Once again sitting down on the rocking chair with a loud creak, Lewis put his hand on the plate, and immediately realized that something was weird. The plate felt slightly hollow from the top. And then Lewis realized what this was. Trust the boss to send you the mission in the most unorthodox way. Lewis still couldn’t figure out how the boss knew exactly which plate to put the message in, and in which shop. But knowing the boss, every plate probably had the message. Lewis stuffed in the bacon, before smashing the plate on the floor, immediately invoking a shriek from Skittles. A paper rolled out, and as Lewis had guessed, it was in code. Only members of the legion would be able to read this.

It hardly took him 2 minutes to break the code and read the message, but the message was shocking. He literally jumped back and almost crashed into the fragile rocking chair, which would have broken if he had hit. The message simply read:

They’ve got him. We move into Brackly’s creek

Lewis knew what ‘him’ referred to. What he was shocked about was the fact that he was even informed of this operation. He never thought the boss would trust him with this. Especially after his failure.Well, It’s time to go! Hurriedly throwing in whatever clothes he had into what he called a travel bag, Lewis picked up the protesting cat and left the crib.
_____________________________________________________

Kayne looked out of the window, still watching his escorts fight. He was about to decide what to do, when he remembered what his father always used to tell him. ”Information is Power, and it seemed to make sense now. All he needed was what these people want, and negotiation, if necessary, would be a lot easier.

Turning back to the computer, he decided to hunt for more information. But he just didn’t know WHERE to start. He knew nothing about the Soulbreakers, except that Soulbreakers was the name of rebel group. But he wasn’t sure if the people who he’s dealing with are rebels. Anyway, why would any rebel kidnap, or require the services of little kid?

A little kid with a powerful voice said something within him. Immediately Kayne realized what they were after.

They’re after you? he asked, feeling slightly used.

Sort of. Head over to the computer Kayne, and let us see what we find.
What’s your name? Kayne replied. He immediately realized why his dad always told him to stick to the issue. He never did.

Trent. Trent Johnston, Now stick to the point son.

Kayne obeyed. Not like he had a choice anyway. The last time he tried fighting back to Trent he had almost got shot in the head. He wasn’t prepared to try again. If the man shot a few inches the wrong way, it’d have been game over for Kayne.

So Kayne, put his fingers on the keypad, and started his research. He learnt a lot from the net. But at the end of it, he had no clue to who his dad’s murderers were, or any evidence that could confirm whether he was with the Legion of Soulbreakers or their opponents. The internet server here (or so he assumed) had blocked all sources of information directly relating to clues to any of the information he needed. So, Kayne decided to go through what he had learnt, and deduced from the top, trying to find a link between the Legion, the people he was with, and his father.

The Legion of Soulbreakers, is one of the latest theories put forward by many conspiracy theorists. It is becoming a widespread talk, as it seems more plausible than other theories which involve clans, such as The Modern Illuminati, the difference being that the Legion doesn’t aim to destroy the world, or establish a one government world. The theory proposes that a break-away within the Soulbreakers, a notorious rebel group, had resulted in the formation of a darker, more secretive and more violent legion. This legion, called the “Legion of Soulbreakers”, is said to include the most violent of the Soulbreakers, the stealthiest, and deadliest of men. The theories also say that among the various members are Ex-KGB and Ex-CIA officials, whose “mission is currently unknown.”

That was all. At least, the rest was crap. Kayne didn’t believe in conspiracy theories, but given the situation he was in, he didn’t think he had any choice. This was probably one of the worst enemies he would ever have. Much worse than Luke the bully. Or if the Legion was an Ally, he would probably feel power.

Sighing, Kayne recalled the voice, asking it to get him out of this place, and decide the next course of action. The warm sensation pricked all through his body, and before he knew it, he was running. Once again, as he was running, his vision started to blur. He couldn’t see where he was being taken, and he had lost his sense of direction and time. But, at the end of it all, he ended up where he wanted to be, extremely exhausted.

When Kayne reached the cave he was previously locked in, he saw the whole bunch of his captors staring at him. It was at this point that Trent, the voice, had decided to let Kayne do whatever must be done. Marshall swiftly move forward and Kayne’s instinct took over. Kayne’s fist jabbed out, only to be caught in Marshall’s hand. Before he knew it, he felt a short, sharp pain in his neck. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was Marshall’s hand coming out from behind Kayne’s neck with a syringe.
_____________________________________________________

Okay, I know that this is a very vague sort of DP, but I had to do one like this, and I decided that it was time. The choice we take here is fundamental, and will decide how the rest of the story goes. There is no specific DP question here. Just how we will handle with this situation. Should we try to run, or should we trust these guys? Maybe its time to use the gun? What sort of approach do we have for the next chapter? You decide.
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 6:55 am    Post subject: Legion Reply with quote

So the voice took us back to our captors? That leaves me confused. Does the voice expect us to kill our captors or stay with them? So far we don't have any signs that either the voice or our captors are trustworthy. At this point, I want to surrender to one side or the other at least long enough to figure out who to listen to. Since the voice dumped us back with the Legion, I say we let the Legion do what they will. I'm not ready to make a decision as final as killing them. Perhaps it would be best to find a good hiding place for the gun so we can be sure it won't be taken from us and we can decide to use it later when we determine who the bad guy is.
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im with Lebby here.

We really need to pick a side soon. We can't go on judging both of them for long. I say we stick with the voice for one reason. We can shake the MIB off us if we want to, but getting the voice off us will be harder, because the voice is inside us.

Unless, The MIB know how to get rid of it (and I don't want to let them handle our body), we're stuck with the voice, whether we like it or not.

Sticking with the voice seems to be the only thing to do.
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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me just clarify a point here.

The voice, in a way is supernatural, because it is inside us. It can make us move, strangle us, talk to us and all. Its like a human living inside your body. The voice did lead us back to our captors, who were in the same cave we woke up in.

The voice might not even know that the captors were waiting there, and it could have been as much as a surprise for the voice as it was for us.

It wouldn't be safe to assume what I told you here, nor would it be safe to assume that the voice led us to our captors. Just throwing a different idea in. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So the voice didn't know that the MIB were there? This puts up new possibilities...
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2011 11:04 am    Post subject: I think..... Reply with quote

Let's see...not much action going on, but a nice little chunk of info...

Got a few pokes to make. Fist off, the repeated use of the term "Crib" for the guys crash pad is...tedious. I understand you were trying to get a point across, but some variation would b a real asset to that particular sement of the chapter. The message inside the plate was funny. Kuddos.

The whole thing overall seemed very rushed. Even though you got us the info we needed, thedelivery was...Rather bland. Take a little more time with everything. the "Most of it was crap" part was just a little too "Hi reader, I'm the author telling you this!". Know what I mean? I liked the part about calling up the voice and "Here ya go," ing the body. Heheheh

Last poke, sorry to keep at this, but you need more description. I felt very little emotion from the kid, or the voice durring their whole little chunk of chapter.Need some heart here. Also...

Quote:
The warm sensation pricked all through his body, and before he knew it, he was running. Once again, as he was running, his vision started to blur.


That made me stumble a few times. Kinda like shifting into the wrong gear...twice. Maybe find a way to combine the sentances?

As for the DP....I think you and the Voice need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Have the Voice spill it's guts. Make a decission from there. If it really was an accident, running in on the MIB, then I'm guessing it'll feel obligated to at least give up a little bit, and through powers of persuasion, the kid can wring out some more!

Anyway. Good informative chapter! Much luv! Good intro of the new character, and I love his cat. Keep on truckin'. You can do it!
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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2011 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That first segment was very good, imo. I noted the same about 'crib' being overused drastically, but there was some seriously skilled style and very well delivered comedic lines in there so it was really one of the best done pieces I've read from you yet... a clear sign of drastic improvement.

In the second part, you were, at least, more clear and not so confusing. I agree, again, with Pope on some issues... lets get more of his internal world in there. Sometimes this isn't completely necessary, but a passing note that he was looking for info on his father's murder really breezes over some emotional impact he'd be experiencing.

And, I, too, was a bit surprised the voice took us to where those goons were likely to be. I mean, who wouldn't have thought they would be there? Still... if he were making an escape effort, would that've been the only known way to travel?

So, what I think here is that we need to take a step back from panic. We are at their mercy at the moment which gives us the convenient strategy of relaxing and surrenduring for a bit. Try to get them talking as much as possible so we can learn as much as we can about what we're involved in here. WATCH carefully for an opportunity to escape but be very cautious about taking that action. LOOK for opportunities to get on these guy's good sides perhaps. Don't act like we're a fox in a trap, even though we may be.

Anyhow, don't take any critical feedback too roughly here. This was actually a very enjoyable chapter to read! Looking forward to more.
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PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2011 7:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whether on purpose or by accident, the voice brought us to the captors and then instead of helping us deal with them, it left us on our own. Whether he intended to trap us or not, the voice has not been a good source of help. If the captors are baddies, I would still rather not have anything to do with the voice. So however this next part turns out, I'm against listening to the voice or ever letting it take over again.
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PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2011 6:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Lebrenth there. The voice did leave us on our own instead of helping us deal with them. But, Im not sure that we can still have our hands into both the voice and the MIB's pots. I really want to pick a side here.

But seeing that there is no other option, or picking a side could be extremely fatal, I say we go on with this, learn a bit more and then make the choice.
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PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2011 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seems like the bases have been covered by those whose comments preceded me. The chapter felt a bit rushed, especially towards the end. I'd rather see a bit more detail and elaboration even if you have to deliver the chapter in 2 parts.

As for the DP, I'd say we need to interrogate the Voice and find out what it's real intentions are, and why it led us back to our captors.
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PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2011 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, D and thanks for reading up!

Okay.. I'll take all your suggestions and add a poll soon!
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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, this one maintains its sticky status, Warrior. However, I will be watching the next chapter for signs of having taken on board some of the excellent comments you've received.

Keep up the good work

Happy Writing Smile
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:53 am    Post subject: Poke Reply with quote

*Poookes* Juuuust some more pokeing of games I'd like to see continueing! More I say, MORE!
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

POLL UP!!! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.. A three-way tie!
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tie Broken! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gah.. I was hoping I'd get more votes.

Doesn't matter, poll closed and I'll start the chapter soon. Smile
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