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Tikanni Corazon
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 Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:29 am Post subject: SparkleSteps - Chapter Eleven: Full Chapter now polling! |
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Right, I know that this has been a long time coming, but I have genuinely found this a really difficult one to get my head around. I'm not going to pretend that I've spent this whole time tirelessly working on this chapter, I haven't. But I have stopped and started many, many times, and scrapped many, many versions. Definitely the hardest chapter to write yet, and hopefully that doesn't show in the quality of the writing. As it is, it's still not completely done, but I've decided to put up the first part for you guys to read, while part 2 continues to be tweaked.  Hope you like it!
SparkleSteps - Chapter Eleven: Part 1
Milo awoke the next morning, to the warmth of sunlight on his cheek, as it streamed in through the unmasked window of his bedroom. The morning was bright and cheery, the complete opposite of how he himself was feeling. It suddenly occured to Milo, that he was in his own room, in his own bed, but had no recollection of how he had come to be there. The last thing he remembered was sitting beside Chanah's bed, trying to figure out a way to help Winnie.
"Winnie..." Each time he thought about her, and what could be happening to her, it felt like someone had punched him hard in the chest, and taken his breath away. But despite that, he had apparently decided to sleep on the decision, as to whether he should go off alone to try and rescue her. He looked once again towards the window, at the gaiety of the summer sunshine, and suddenly, despite his sombre mood, the idea that everything would turn out alright, seemed a little more possible.
He got out of bed, and headed to the bathroom. As he brushed his teeth, he wondered whether Jem had come up with a plan yet. The discovery that his Uncle actually cared very much, for both himself and Winnie, had given Milo new faith in the man, and he decided that if anyone could save his sister, it was Jem. Especially since he might possibly have the help of a trained Elven warrioress, depending on how quickly Chanah recovered. Mot, he knew, would be out of action for at least a few weeks. He'd overheard Violet commenting on the severity of his wounds, saying that the leg may still need to be removed completely. Though it all depended on 'ifs and maybes', Milo knew that, together, Jem and Chanah could make a excellent team.
Once he was finished in the bathroom, Milo headed back into his bedroom, and gathered tshirt, jeans and undergarments from the large chest of drawers, and hurridly got dressed. As he did so, it suddenly occured to him, that someone had changed him into his pyjamas. A feeling of embarassment washed over him, as he imagined that someone being Jem, and that quickly changed to mortifacation, at the thought that it might have been Violet instead. The feeling passed quickly, other more important things taking priority, but it did occur to him how much older he felt. He was just under three months off his twelfth birthday. A few years previous, he wouldn't have batted an eyelid over such things. Now the idea of someone dressing him was almost devestating.
"Lucky for me that I have something more to think about than myself," he mumbled, knowing full well, that he would give anything for that not to be the case.
A few minutes later, he was dressed, and heading down the hall, to Chanah's room, to ask how she was feeling. Poking his head around the door, he found the bed freshly made, and empty of the elven maiden. A smile spread across his face, as he realised she must be feeling a hell of alot better, if she was up and about. He raced to the staircase, but halted at the top, as the sound of raised voices reached him. Peeping over the bannisters, he found that the voices were coming from the partially open door of Jem's study.
Milo crept down the stairs, careful to avoid steps he knew to be creaky, then across the hall to the door. Once there he slid down the wall, into a squatting position, and listened. He recognised the two main voices involved in the arguement within. One belonged to Chanah, and the other, he was surprised to find, was Violet. Though he heard the odd imput from his Uncle, the two women were verbally tearing chunks out of each other.
"You selfish, ungrateful creature!" he heard Violet rant. "They helped you. They put their own lives greatly at risk, for you. And you couldn't care less could you?"
"Why should I? They owed me. I saved them from the Harlimane, and got them safely out of the forest. They just returned the favour." Chanah paused, then continued, in a snobbish voice. "Besides, what would a mere servant girl know about such things? I came here to speak with your master, not you. Why don't you get back to scrubbing the floors?"
The few moments of silence that followed, were almost tangible. They were thick with rage, and Milo could picture what Violet's face must look like at that moment.
"Violet," Jem's voice was gentle, yet firm. "Please leave us. I'll deal with this." There was another pause, before Violet answered.
"Yes, Mr Addison. Though, if you ask me, she should be chained up and handed over to the beast. If that is the attitude of the elven race, the world is better off without them. I'd certainly rather that, than have that sweet, innocent, little girl be sacrificed instead. And for your information, Chanah, I know far more about 'such things' than you, or anyone else, could ever imagine." And with that, Violet started towards the door.
At the sound of her footsteps, Milo hurridly got to his feet, and hid just inside the cupboard under the stairs. He heard Violet exit the study, and walk past his hiding place, and into the kitchen. He waited a few moments, just to make sure she didn't return and catch him, before creeping silently back into the hall. The door of the study was still partially open, but the fact that Violet was no longer inside the room made it all the more likely that he might be discovered. He battled inwardly, wanting desperately to find out what was being said between his Uncle and Chanah, but at the same time, he didn't want to be caught snooping around. He decided against the latter, choosing instead to knock on the study door, and hope to be allowed to be included in the conversation. He approached the door once more, continuing to be as quiet as possible, just in case he was able to catch some of what was being said, before going in. Sure enough, Milo could hear Chanah's voice clearly, through the open door.
"...I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry, that's all. Who does that girl think she is? She's just a housemaid..." Jem's voice cut her off.
"That 'girl', Chanah, may be a housemaid, but she also happens to be my friend, and has been for a long time. And I value her opinion. To be perfectly honest, based on your last statement to her, I'm not far off being of the same way of thinking."
"I apologised for saying that. I do care about the children, truly I do, and I feel terrible that Winnie is in the hands of the Veeka because of me. And I'm grateful to them for helping me." Milo heard her sigh. "I want to get her back too. But exchanging her for me isn't an option. I cannot sacrifice my people for the life of one little girl, no matter how courageous and kind-hearted she might be. And it could well mean the end for your people too. If he returns, the Veeka will be more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
It was Jem's turn to sigh.
"I'm well aware of the consequences of handing you over to the beast," he replied, wearily, "I've been wracking my brains all night, trying to figure out what I can do. My first thought was to attempt some kind of rescue mission, but I just can't risk Winnie getting hurt, I really can't. I owe it to her mother to take care of her, even if it means sacrificing something else."
"And what might that something else be?" Chanah sounded slightly worried.
"Me," replied Jem. Neither of them spoke for a moment, then he continued. "I don't even know if it will work, but it's the only thing I can think of, to at least get her out of harms way, while the rest of you come up with a better plan."
"He won't swap her for you," said Chanah, "He has more leverage with her as his hostage. He knows that you care about her, and that Milo cares about her. There's nothing in it for him if he has you instead."
"So I'll have to make him think that there is something in it for him, won't I." Milo heard him sigh. "Though what that something could be, I don't know. Maybe convince him that I despise you as much as he does, and that I want to ally myself with him, to get rid of you and the rest of your 'foul' race." Despite the seriousness of the subject, Milo could hear the smile in Jem's voice.
"Not much acting required there," Chanah's sarcastic reply came, and they both let out soft chuckles.
"Anyway, I'll need to think about it a little more," Jem's voice returned to sobriety, "I'll need to be completely prepared by this evening. As it is, it is a shadow of a plan, but the only one that we have. This way, at least I have a chance of getting her back, without having to give the world in return." Milo heard footsteps approaching the door, and quickly scooted out of the way, and in through the door to the right of the study, the one that led to the greenhouse. He closed it, and listened, as Jem and Chanah stepped into the hall. "I'll let you know what I've decided later." Jem's voice sounded muffled through the closed door. "If I were you, I'd go get some rest. You may be feeling better, but you took one hell of a beating yesterday. No doubt you still have healing to do."
With that, Milo heard his Uncle retreat back into the study, and the sound of Chanah's footsteps told him that she was doing as Jem had suggested, and was heading back to her room to rest. When everything was quiet, Milo opened the door a slit, and looked out. The hall was, once again, empty. He exited the corridor, and made for the front door. He decided that he needed some fresh air, while he thought about these new revelations. Jem was going to sacrifice himself to the Veeka, in exchange for Winnie, using trickery. But what would the monster do, once he found out he'd been decieved. And who would look after them if something happened to Jem. And Milo couldn't put his finger on it, but for some reason, he didn't fully trust Chanah. She'd saved their lives, and claimed that she cared about them. But he had a feeling that, if push came to shove, she wouldn't be quite what she claimed.
They needed a back-up plan, Milo realised. One that Jem didn't know about. And in Milo's opinion, there was only one person who would be able to help him.
So, no dp yet, but hopefully you won't have to wait too long. Part 2 will be with you asap. Thanks for reading!  Hmmm... I'm going to have to seperate these chapters at some piont too. Oh, well, all in good time.
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:15 am; edited 2 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Some nice scene work here Tika, some building up to what's to come... I like it!
Jem's doubts are interesting to note and I liked the true colors coming through for Chanah. Both were delivered skillfully.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:20 am Post subject: |
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A good start to the chapter there, and you've ended it with a good hook. Maybe I haven't read enough fantasy or am a bit old-fashioned and such, but I found Chanah to be a little too 'human' in the way that she conducted herself in the argument.
Not saying it's wrong or anything, it's just I was a little surprised. Anyway - I'm looking forward to reading what happens next. 
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:35 am Post subject: I Think...... |
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Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Life, y'know? Anyway....
This continues to be very interesting, and invigorating. In my oppinion, Chanah seems to be rather manipulative. She barked Violet out of the room, then turned all sweet for Jem. I think he knows she's not 100% either. Those chuckles sounded a bit dishonest to me. Depending where you're pulling from, elves are veeery aloof, and only those they form close bonds with have even the slightest sway over their heart and actions. They simply don't connect the way humans do... But, she's your character, and I look to you for your understanding of her!
That "Just who dressed me?" part was pricless! I hit the floor. I don't completely understand cirtain levels of shyness, being as open as I am, so stuff like that tickles me pink! I'd have liked more argumant. After hearing how they're 'Tearing chunks out of eachother' then just that little tete-a-tete gave me brief dissappointment.... Moving on! I winder what Violet knows about all this..... And why for that matter? Most of the time when it comes to secrets like this, the ones involved don't tell "The Help" a dern thing...makes me think she's involved somehow...either with the happenings, or maybe Jem? *Giggle* I hope not, but, hey, it happens!
And whatever happend to knocking on the door?  Kidding!
Keep'em commin'! Can't wait to see how Jem pulls this off!
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And my first Finished work Death Day
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:47 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments so far guys! It means alot to know you're still enjoying it!
Right, it's been a long time coming, but here's the second half of chapter 11. I've been working on it quite alot over the last couple of months, so if it's not overly good, it's not through lack of trying. I've scrapped more versions of it than I can even remember, and I think it's finally done. Might be some grammar issues, and possibly repetativeness, though I can't actually find it myself. But the muse is, and will likely continue to play up for a while, and I find myself a bit blank when it comes to realising mistakes. So please point them out to me if this is the case, and I'll get it sorted. Hope you like, and sorry it's taken me so long.
SparkleSteps - Chapter 11: Part 2
As he approached, Milo cleared his throat, to let it be known he was there. The hard, steely gaze turned upon him immediately, and despite his resolve to not be afraid, Milo backed away a few paces.
'No!' he told himself, in his head, 'this is the only chance you have to try and keep everyone safe, don't mess it up now. He's just an old man, what on earth is he going to do to you? Now pull yourself together!'
Milo glanced up at Old Bob, who was still looking down at him, with a slightly annoyed, but enquiring expression on his face.
"Were ya wantin' somethin' of me?" the gruff voice, "If so, be quick about it. I've got alot to do about the place today."
"I..." Milo's voice faltered, and he took a deep breath before continuing. "I wanted to talk to you about something... Something important, that we have to keep a secret."
"We don't keep no secrets 'round 'ere," replied Old Bob shortly, and turned back to his work.
"But it's important! It's about Uncle Jem!"
That got Old Bob's attention.
"I'm listenin'."
Again, Milo found his vocal cords betrayed him, under the glare of the old man. Bob's eyes were intensely dark, to the point of being foreboding, but Milo was well aware that there was no real intent of harm behind those eyes. Old Bob's heart was in the right place. He took another deep, cleansing breath, and began to speak.
"I need you to promise to keep it a secret, not just from Uncle Jem, but from everyone else too. Please?" Old Bob still looked suspicious. "Please," he repeated, trying to make the word sound as wholehearted and genuine as he felt inside. After a short pause, Old Bob nodded. Milo felt a rush of relief wash over him. "Thankyou! But is there somewhere that we can talk uninterrupted?"
Old Bob inclined his head towards his shed, and the two made there way over to it, went inside and closed the door. Bob gestured to an upturned crate, and Milo sat down, while the old man seated himself nearby on a pile of old sacks.
"Right, I'm guessin' this little meetin' is goin' to 'ave somethin' t'do with yer sister?" Bob's eyes were all too knowing, and Milo merely nodded. "And what possible 'elp can I offer ya, that yer Uncle can't?"
"A way to help both him and Winnie maybe, once he's offered himself up to the Veeka." Milo saw Old Bob's eyes widen slightly at the words, and guessed that Jem hadn't confided his plans to him. "It's not going to work, is it? The Veeka has a hostage, and, if Uncle Jem offers himself in her place, the creature will know just how valuable she is to us. There is only two things that it could possibly result in. One, he gets turned away, with orders to return with Chanah, or two, he gets himself killed." Milo sighed. "He's not going to listen to me, I'm just a kid. He needs to hear, from someone he respects, that it's a bad plan."
Old Bob shook his head. "No, he's not going to listen to me either. He might respect me in a way, but I'm still 'is servant, and the boy's always been stubborn as a mule. If he's got it into his 'ead that it's the only way to save 'er, without giving up the elven woman, nothing that I can say will stop 'im." He paused, looking thoughtful. "The only way that we can 'elp, is to 'ave a counter plan. Something that Jem himself knows nothin' about..." His voice drifted off, and he frowned, in concentration. The he stood suddenly, and gestured to the door. "I'll 'ave a think about it, okay. Just leave it with me."
"But I want to help," Milo said, as he was shoved outside. Old Bob followed him out, and closed the door once again.
"How can ya 'elp, when we ain't got no plan yet? Now go find somethin' to do, and I'll see what I can come up with, alright?"
Impatient as he was, Milo knew that the old man made sense, and he nodded his assention, then began to walk back towards the house.
"Just one more thing," Old Bob called out to him. Milo turned back, enquiringly. "Why did ya ask me, instead of super-woman?" He gestured his head towards the house, and Milo knew that he meant Chanah. He smiled.
"I know who I can trust," he replied. To his surprise, Old Bob's face broke into a grin.
"Yer alright boy," he growled, "Yer alright."
~ ~ ~
Milo returned to the house, and went up to his bedroom, to wait. Despite the present crisis, he couldn't help but smile. He'd finally broken through the hard, craggy surface of Old Bob's shell, and found that he really wasn't all that bad.
"But then, I must have known that all along, deep down," he said outloud to himself, "Or I wouldn't have trusted him, would I?"
Milo lay down on his bed, to wait for whatever plan Old Bob would concoct, to be revealed. He thought about Winnie, hoping upon hope itself, that this time tomorrow, she would be back with him, safe and sound.
As time went in, and despite the lie-in he'd had that morning, Milo felt his eyelids begin to droop, and before long, he was asleep.
~ ~ ~
He was woken, by a strong grip on his shoulder, shaking him awake. He opened his eyes, and found himself looking up at Old Bob, who's expression was urgent.
"Come on, lad, get up. Yer Uncle's already on his way to the beast, and we 'ave to get after 'im, if our plan's goin' to work." Even as he finished his sentence, he was on his way back out the door, with Milo hot on his heels.
"What is the plan?" Milo yawned, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. The old man waved the question aside.
"Ya don't need to know the plan," he growled, the pace at which he moved belying his age. "All ya 'ave to do is what I tell ya to do. Remember that, okay? If I tell ya to do somethin', ya just do it, no questions." Milo nodded, and the two of them continued on their way.
They reached the edge of the forest, and Old Bob immediately disappeared inside. Milo paused only for a moment, then followed him, catching up to him quickly, so as not to get lost. Neither of them had a lamp or torch, and Milo couldn't see a thing. He tugged at Old Bob's coat.
"What?" the old man whispered, raspily.
"How do you know where you're going, without a light of some kind? We're going to get lost..." 'Or eaten,' he thought to himself, remembering the Harlimane. He heard Old Bob give a short, rough laugh.
"I knows these woods like the back of me 'and. We ain't goin' to get lost, trust me. Now, try and stay quiet."
Milo didn't utter another word, just kept a iron grip on the back of Old Bob's coat. The old man might know his way around the forest, but Milo had absolutely no idea as to where they were, where they were going, or how to get back, if he should accidentally let go.
It seemed to Milo, they had only been walking for around a quarter of an hour, when he saw the light. It was dead ahead of them, and looked big and bright, and very unlike any torch or lantern that he's ever seen. He could see Old Bob's face in the light, and it was hardened into a frown of concentration, once more. They slowed their pace, and made for the nearest tree, bordering the light. Peering around the thick trunk of the oak, Milo's eyes widened in both surprise and fear at what he saw beyond.
A great fire roared in the centre of a large clearing, at least five times the size of the one that he and Winnie had been in, a couple of days previous, with Chanah. Sparks of red and gold burst forth from the centre, making a fizzling noise as they did so, and hissing as they hit the ground, and burnt out. Around the fire danced a strange little creature. It was no more than four feet tall, with dark skin, the colour of a midnight sky, and three sets of horns, protruding from it's bulbous head. The body, in comparission, looked too small and spindly, to support such a monumental orb, but it did so, and still allowed the creature to move quickly and lightly, across the forest floor. Milo leant towards Old Bob.
"Is that the Veeka?" he whispered, as softly as he was able. He saw Old Bob shake his head, and point to an area beyond the fire. Milo looked, and what he saw turned his blood cold, and made him wonder how he could ever have mistake the little creature for their enemy. In an alcove between two great oaks, sat the Veeka. At least eight feet in height, and the same in width, the Veeka's body was a huge, shapeless mass, glinting wetly in the firelight, as though it was saturated with some kind of slime or mucus. Growing out, at irregular intervals, all over the body, were long, thick tentacles, dozens of them, just like in the book, though the illustration hadn't prepared Milo in any way for what he now beheld before him. In the centre of the mass, was a wicked-looking beak, longer than a man's arm, and in every empty space on the body, there were large red eyes. Milo had never before seen anything so vile, or frightening. He knew that this monster would haunt his nightmares, long after he'd left the forest. 'If I do get out of here, that is,' he thought to himself.
Suddenly remembering why they were there, Milo strained his neck, trying to catch a glimpse of Winnie, or Jem. Old Bob had said that Uncle Jem had entered the forest before they had, so surely he should be there already. But Milo could spot either of them, in the flickering firelight.
He was beginning to think that Jem had got lost, when suddenly, the little dancing creature stopped dead in it's tracks, mid prance, and stared at a point to Milo's right. Milo looked, and saw a movement in the tree's, followed by the appearence of his Uncle. The creature let out a strange shrieking noise, and scampered over to the Veeka, where it began chattering away, though Milo couldn't understand what it was saying. But then, the creature was answered by a deep, grating voice, coming from the Veeka itself...
"Yes, yes, Ptavio... I know that... there is a stranger... in our midst..." Every few words, the Veeka paused, to suck in a rattling breath, tinged with a strange squelching noise. " Aaah, not a true... stranger though, are you... come forward, spawn... of the Allington... bloodline... Have you brought with you... that which I... requested, in exchange for... your niece...?" The noise of the monster's breathing, made Milo want to cover his ears, but he had to know what was said. Then Jem's voice broke through it, drowning the awful sound out slightly.
"I think you and both knew all along, that wasn't going to happen. I have no power over the Elven girl, and even if I did, the reprecussions of such an act would prevent me from being able to do it."
"So... you have... chosen to sacrifice your... niece, for the good... of a race that cares... nothing for you... and yours?" The Veeka didn't sound surprised, just slightly annoyed. Jem let out a mirthless laugh.
"She would have died either way. Beings like you, who crave power, are never satisfied. Giving you the ability to overcome the Elves, would only have led to you trying to take over this world too. But I would like to make you an offer. Take me instead, and let Winnie go."
It was the Veeka's turn to laugh. "What possible... reason would there be... for me to... do that? Clearly... Allington spawn... for you to make... such an offer... I have far more leverage... if I keep... the girl."
"No, you don't," Jem replied, "Whether you have her or not, you will not get what you want. Not from me, or anyone in my household. And I can assure you, Chanah doesn't care what happens to Winnie, or any of us. But Winnie is just a child, and weak of body. Exchange her for me, and I will pledge myself to your service, as your slave. I'm stronger than she is, and more capable of being useful to you"
At this point, Milo felt Old Bob touch him lightly on the shoulder. Turning to him, Milo saw that he was pointing up, into one of the trees, next to the Veeka. At first, Milo couldn't see what he was supposed to be seeing, but then he saw a small, restrained movement, and noticed a frightened little face, looking down at the scene below.
"Winnie!" Milo's joy at seeing his sister, almost made him forget to be quiet, but he managed to keep his exclaimation to a whisper. She was wrapped up in some kind webbing, and tied to one of the largest branches in the tree.
"Wait 'ere, and make no noise." Old Bob's voice was barely more than a breath, and, once the orders were given, he immediately started to move soundlessly through the trees, towards the Veeka. Very soon, he'd disappeared into the shadows, and Milo was left, feeling alone and helpless, able only to sit and watch, whatever was about to unfold.
The conversation between Jem and the Veeka, became a blur, a buzzing in the back of his mind. His eyes were constantly focused on Winnie, hoping upon hope, that Old Bob would get her out of there. The sight of his sister's petrified face, made him want to cry, and his lack of ability to help her made him want to beat himself senseless. Then, along the branch, to which she was attached, he saw another movement, and he couldn't help but break into a joyful smile. Old Bob was carefully manouvering himself, silently, across the thick bough, towards Winnie. When he reached her, Milo saw him motion for her to keep quiet, then he began to cut her bonds. When she was free, Old Bob hoisted her onto his back, and, quick as a cat, he scuttled back across the branch, and disappeared once more. Throughout the rescue, he made no noise, not even the slightest scrape or rustle.
'He's like an ancient form of superman!' Milo marvelled over the old man's speed and stealth, in his head.
Mere moments later, Old Bob was back at his side, Winnie in tow. Milo could feel tears of relief forming, at the corners of his eyes, as he clung to her, and she to him. But the hug was short and sweet. Old Bob motioned for them to follow him back the way they'd come.
"Come on, I'll take you back to the forest border, then I'll come back fer Jem."
Milo was about to protest, when an almightly roar filled the air around them.
"DECIEVER!" The Veeka's voice thundered, sounding like rusted machinery, it grated so much. "YOU... KEEP ME... DISTRACTED, THEN... HAVE SOMEONE STEAL... MY PRISONER!... PTAVIO!... FIND THEM!"
Immediately, the large-headed imp, scampered away from it's master, heading for the trees. But it never reached them. Out of nowhere, there was a flash, as something metallic gleamed in the firelight, and a sharp, squelching noise, and the creature lay, lifeless, upon the ground. Jem began to run, as fast as he could, away from the Veeka.
"WINNIE!" he called out, "WHEREVER YOU ARE, RUN! QUICKLY AS YOU CAN, RUN BACK TO THE HOUSE!" Then he disappeared into the trees, the Veeka's cry of fury following him. Old Bob, Milo, and Winnie didn't have to be told twice. They turned and hurtled through the trees.
It seemed mere moments had passed, when the children collapsed on the grass, outside the forest borders. Then Jem was there, embracing both of them.
"Milo!" he exclaimed in surprise, "What the hell were you doing in there? I told you to leave it to me!"
"If I'd left it to you, I would have lost you both," Milo replied. Jem smiled down at him.
"Well, this time, I'm glad you didn't listen to me."
"It wasn't me that rescued Win anyway, Uncle Jem. It was Old Bob..." Milo scanned the clearing "... Where did he go?"
"I'm 'ere," came the gruff reply, and Bob trudged out from amongst the trees, clutching something in his hands. "I just went back fer this." He held the object out for them to see, and even in the soft glow of the moon, Milo and Winnie both recognised it.
"Tianna's spear!" they both exclaimed softly.
"But how?... Who?" Jem looked confusedly at Old Bob. "That spear has been missing for generations. How can it suddenly reappear? And who threw it, and killed that...that thing?"
Old Bob shook his head. "I ain't none the wiser than you, Sir, and I didn't see them who weilded it neither, save a glimpse of..." The old man's voice trailed off.
"A glimpse of what?" probed Jem. The eye's of master and servant met.
"A glimpse, Sir, of long, golden 'air." All three of the listeners gasped.
"Long, golden hair..." Milo breathed "...like..."
"Like Tianna's hair," Jem finished the sentence for him.
All three sat in stunned silence, each realising the implications, of what had happened that night. It was Jem who spoke first.
"Right, we'll discuss this further, once we get back to the house," he declared, authoratively, " We're still not safe here, even if we are out of the woods. Come on." He stood, brushed himself down, and headed back towards the house, and the others followed him. They reached the manor, and entered through the huge front door. "I'll have Violet make us all something to drink. I think we need it, don't we? VIOLET!" He called out the housemaid's name, and waited a moment, but there was no answer, so he tried a second, and a third time. "Hmmm... strange. I'll ask Rosie if she knows where she is." He wandered over to the kitchen, and the children followed him, wanting to see Rosie, and let her know that Winnie was back. "Rosie," said Jem, as he stepped inside the room, "have you..." The kitchen was empty. The fire still burned in the grate, and Rosie's knitting lay upon the arm of her chair, but the old woman was gone.
"Where is she?" asked Winnie, beginning to look worried. "You don't think the Veeka could..."
"No, Winnie," replied Jem, "There is no way that the Veeka has got into the house. It is curious though... We'll search the house from top to bottom. They must be around here somewhere. I'll have Bob search the grounds." They went back out into the hall, Jem issuing out orders. "Right, Milo, you and Winnie can look upstairs, while I search down here. If we have no luck, we'll check the east and west wings together. Bob, could you..." He stopped abruptly.
Old Bob had disappeared, leaving only Tianna's spear, where he'd been standing, when they'd left him. Jem called out to the old man, with the children following suit. But they got no answer.
"What's going on?" Winnie voice sounded desperate, and she'd begun to cry. "Where have they gone? Uncle Jem, where have they gone?"
"I haven't the slightest idea," Jem replied, sounding a little dazed. "But I think we need to figure out a plan of action, and quickly. Something wierd is happening, and we need to decide what to do next."
DP - So what do our brave little adventurers and their Uncle do now?
Thanks for reading! And sorry about the length. I didn't realise how long it actually was until I posted it.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Tue Apr 12, 2011 4:34 am; edited 2 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't think it was all that long really, quite an appropriate length imo. And it was extremely synchronistic of you to have posted today as just earlier on, at work, I was thinking to myself that I really wanted to see the next chapter here and would come home and 'bump' the thread - only to find you'd actually posted, as if you were hearing my thoughts I really enjoy this SG and always look forward to seeing how its going to develop out. Your writing was quite good in this chapter though you do have some points, much like I have to edit in my own, where you've already made a matter clear by 'showing us' and then feel compelled to 'tell us' what you meant. As Lebby told me recently, trust that we get your drift - it would have been stronger to leave it be. Here's an example:
| Quote: |
The noise of the monster's breathing, made Milo want to cover his ears, but he had to know what was said. The sound though, was almost unbearable. |
But then, this is a minor point - something I just noticed along the way and felt I might offer as helpful feedback. I probably only noticed it because its the sort of thing that's forefront in my mind as I've been reviewing some of what I've written myself with a critical eye.
By the way:
| Quote: | "Just one more thing," Old Bob called out to him. Milo turned back, enquiringly. "Why did ya ask me, instead of super-woman?" He gestured his head towards the house, and Milo knew that he meant Chanah. He smiled.
"I know who I can trust," he replied. To his surprise, Old Bob's face broke into a grin.
"Yer alright boy," he growled, "Yer alright." |
BRILLIANT! This sudden humanity shown by Bob was superbly delivered.
I very much enjoyed this chapter. The Veeka was truly horrendous in a good way - which was something I felt the tale needed, a gritty dark side delivered thick and rich. This you pulled off nicely. The image you wove of this creature was chilling.
I also liked how the little beasty momentarily seemed to realize Milo and Bob were present, then we find that it was Jem's approach.
Before getting around to the DP here, I'd like to ask a few questions:
1) Could you help to explain the depth of the impact that the return of the elf maiden represents here? I realize its something you've probably gone over here in the tale but we've been reading this for a while now and some details have slipped my memory.
2) Could you discuss the physics of this forest? I suspect that, while it may be a large forest, it is not a full on world isolated from ours so much as a boundary to another world beyond - lest such creatures as the veeka and the elves would not have enough territory to have developed thriving civilizations of their own in such a minute domain. Is it some sort of gateway or dimensional boundary? This could be significant in determining what's taken place at the house with the new dissapearances.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks TB! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I get what you mean, by showing/telling part. I have to say, I really don't think it would have occured to me otherwise, just as I didn't notice it at all when reading Heavy Metal, but I can definitely see that it is a bit of a pointless sentence. Thanks for pointing it out. I've now edited it, and it does sound much better.
And I'm glad that you enjoyed Old Bob breaking out of his crusty old shell, and showing a little of what kind of person he actually is. I've wanted to bring him back into the forefront of the story for a while now, and just haven't had the opportunity. I am slightly worried, once again though, that his accent might baffle some people. Though I don't speak like it myself, it is something I've grown up with, and, as Ive said before, it is based on the way that my grandad speaks.
To answer your questions:
1) The Veeka, before he became the monster of the story, was an Elven Mage, who was planning to assassinate the Elven King, and take the throne for himself. But his plans were discovered, and, as punishment, he was changed into is new form, and was sentenced to a life locked away inside the underground dungeons beneath the city, But he eventually escaped, and used the doorway into this world to avoid being recaptured. He was pursued by three warriors (including Tianna), who had been ordered to kill him. But they themselves were defeated by him, two were killed, and Tianna managed to get away, her life intact, but badly injured.
In order to change back into his former self, and regain his power and more, the Veeka needs blood from the four elven races, that of Fire, Water, Air and Earth. He has the first two from the dead elves, and another from Tianna, before her escape. He needs only Earth, and Chanah's blood would make the collection complete. If she is handed over to them, he will change back, and destroy the Elven race, and quite possible try to master both worlds.
2)Yes, the forest is more like a boundary between the worlds. In general, the Elves keep to their own world, but occasionally like to return, just because it is their natural world. They themselves created the 'Mirrorworld', because they decided that there was no place for magic in a world that was very quickly modernising, and becoming dependant on technology, rather than the more spiritual side of things. The Veeka is actually living in the forest, of course, along with a few others, such as the Harlimane and Ptavio, what with the forest being the immediate environment outside the magical world. There are more, which might possibly come into it later in the story, but that all depends. But on the whole, there aren't hordes of magical creatures living in the forest, and the Elves rarely make an appearence at all.
Hope this helps, but let me know if you want to know anything else!
Thanks for reading!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 7:21 am Post subject: |
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OK then, is it possible that we have not returned to our own world, but rather to the mirrorworld? Is that why everyone is gone? Is there any way we could 'prove' this theory by the objects located in the house?
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:25 am Post subject: |
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The doorway to the Mirrorworld is a pool, located in the centre of a clearing in the forest. There are only two ways to pass through, one is during a full moon, which is still a few days away, or two, using a key-stone, of which they have yet to find the other half of. So not a mistake that could have been made, I'm afraid.
This questioning thing is actually quite fun, and very useful. Has made me have to sit and think about what could have happened to them, and I've thought up a few senarios, in the process. Also makes me think though, that maybe I should make a thread with a chapter summary at some point. This tale is becoming rather long after all.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 6:20 pm Post subject: Yay! |
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Yay! New/finish chapter! *Dances* Much fun, and heart pounding stress!
I love the Veeka, GO TENTICAL MONSTERS!!! Heheheheh. The oozy gore of it full nastyness had me covring my nose, no joke! I can wait to see more of...it. The appearance of the spear...how mysterious!
....I do have to say, things seemed a little rushed and under explored at some points, the end being the most prominent of these points. No real reactions of fear. Very little "In the mind/heart of" any of the characters when Bob vanished. Kinda felt a liltte....Uh. You know the feeling, right? I feel that it could use a little more Umph.
That moment after the forest seems....short and rather....emotionless as far as the kids go. From all that angst before her rescue, to "Ok, yer safe, let's get on with life" At least that's the feeling I got.
Other than that, I think the story os going very well! I'd like to hear more about that......."So... you have... chosen to sacrifice your... niece, for the good... of a race that cares... nothing for you... and yours?" Makes me think.....*Wonders*
As for what to do....Tie ourselves together, and keep vocal contact for starters. Sing a song or somthing. Arm yourselves! Jem needs to nab that spear and show us his stuff! MWAHAHAHAAAA! *Cough* Sorry...I really like him I can imagine him going all he-man to protect the kids, it's funny inside my head. *Giggles* *Imagines Jem in Rambo gear*
Anyway! Keep up the good work, and I can't wait for the next installment!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:35 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... yes, I am in general agreement with Pope's thinking then.
But I say keep it even closer. Search EVERYWHERE together. Look for the smallest possible clues until something shows us a way. If there can be no clues to go on, this is going to really get strange.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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Are Violet and Rosie blood relatives to Milo and Winnie? If they aren't, then there's the pattern - only the Allington bloodline left in the house.
Anyway, whether they're blood relatives or not, I think Chanah is behind the disappearances... Stick together and search every part of the house, secret passages included.
We need to find Chanah, not just to question her about the disappearances, but something more macarbre than that. She's the only thing standing between the Veeka and its goal right? Perhaps Jem's earlier talk of self sacrifice hit a little too close to home for her liking. It would certainly have explained her behaviour towards him at the end of the first portion of this chapter.
The Veeka needs to be stopped for good. She knows that. 
Search for Chanah and we'll have our answers! And take the spear with us too.
Much enjoyed Tiks, as always!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2011 4:05 am Post subject: |
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Yay!!!! This has always been my favorite I like Uncle Bob getting theses prominent parts. I always like those bad guys go good concept.
As for the Dp everyone has thought of just searching...so what items have we collected from the grounds so far anyway? I remember earrings or something but it has been a while...
we could use something we picked up
Awesome Chapter
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the feedback and the suggestions guys! Always much appreiciated. I'm glad you're still enjoying it, even though the chapters are a long time coming just recently, for which I apologise.
I'll leave it a little while longer before putting up the poll, and then we'll see if I can get something out in the next few weeks.
Thanks again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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Hey CF, you made some truly amazing observations there - very nice! Great SG play imo. Your memory is absolutely superb.
Does anyone here know how to 'track'? That one individual, whoever it is, may be sent out to search for signs of movement on the grounds (I was thinking maybe ol'Bob.) Also, during the search, Milo would want to be on the lookout for more... sparklesteps leading the way.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:17 am Post subject: |
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Okie doke, the poll is now up!
Hopefully (and I really truly do hope!) I can get another chapter out within the next 2-3 weeks. I can't promise, as my muse is very flighty at the moment, but I will try my best to break out of this 'taking weeks and weeks and weeks' phase that I seem to be in.
Thanks again everyone, for your imput! Though I'm afraid Jem won't be donning any Rambo gear, Pope. *giggles*
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 6:05 am Post subject: Sadness |
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Awwwww*Sobs* No half nekid hot man bod for me....*Sniffles* Oh well, as long as the story goes on, I can be happy! *Whoops* You can do eet Tikanni-chan!
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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I have to say, one of the best storygames on IF. Possibly my favorite. Stylistically, it reminds me of a crude Narnia. It's only a first draft, so no big worries, you can always make it smoother later. What's important is that it's immersive, it has a special magic which is imbued in mystery. And the characters are all adorable, except the bad guy, which is convincingly grotesque. Perhaps that is where this story's success stems from: its combination of sweetness and grotesque, fantasy and mystery, old and young. It's a regular melting pot of dichotomies that work when mixed in the right quantities.
There are a few places, however, where you could heighten the suspense in order to keep the reader at the edge of her seat. For example, entering the forest and then retreating from it. In your current chapter, it lacked the excitement that was there in the first few chapters. Perhaps this time they already knew their way there and out, but that's no excuse to waste an opportunity to build suspense. Remember, its not the meeting with the monster in itself that will excite the reader, but the carpentry work that precedes it-- the slow building up of tension. The meeting is only a culmination that shouldn't be drawn out more than necessary. It should be kept brisk and meaningful (actually, you carried out that part pretty well).
Congrats on a good chapter. Are you thinking about beginning to wrap up your story?
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Tue May 03, 2011 1:11 am Post subject: |
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Thanks D! I'm flattered that you think so highly of SparkleSteps. It's good to hear when people are enjoying ones work, as it does almost feel like your putting a little bit of yourself out there, for others to critique.
I do plan to give this a bit of a polish at some point, when my muse is a little less cloudy, so I'll take your comment about 'adding suspense' on board when I do so.
And, to be honest, I'm really not sure about whether I'm close to wrapping up the story or not. Sometimes I think that yeah, there will be only a few more chapters, and at other times, I might have an idea I'd like to intergrate into the story, and I think I might want to keep it going for a little longer in order to do so. One thing I do know is that, at some point, I would like to do another SG, with a few of the same characters, so almost like a follow-on to SS. I'm not sure when, but I would like to.
Thanks again for reading! Always much appreciated!
~~~
Also poll is now closed, and I'll try and get a new chapter out by the beginning of next week, or sooner if possible. Thanks for voting all!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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| What should be the trio's course of action? |
| Arm themselves, and search the house, maintaining vocal contact all the while. |
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20% |
[ 1 ] |
| Focus on finding Chanah, and getting some answers. |
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20% |
[ 1 ] |
| Stick together, and search the entire estate, house, grounds, caves, secret passages... ect |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Look for any clues that might prove useful in tracking any of the disapearees (if Chanah has ventured outside the house, it shouldn't be too hard to find out where she's gone. ;-)) |
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20% |
[ 1 ] |
| Have a mooch through Milo and Winnie's collected objects, to see if they can find anything that might help them. What with Jem having lived his whole life at Amethyst Estate, he might have some knowledge about the items, that the children do not. |
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40% |
[ 2 ] |
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| Total Votes : 5 |
| Who Voted: crazybookgal, Crunchyfrog, D-Lotus, PopeAlessandrosXVIII, Thunderbird |
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