 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:50 am Post subject: |
 |
|
I F5 Vishal on the DP. Mike shouldn't leave straight away, just when he sees how awkward it all is.
I really liked the beginning and the end of this chapter, as it just moved the story along nicely and introduced Alyson clearly. I still love Julian and his general confusion just makes me laugh  .
I have to say I'm not hugely keen on the middle though, sorry. It just didn't fit for me. If you're going to have him reminisce and tell us how he feels about Aria either introduce it in bits and pieces over a couple of chapters or all at once a bit later, perhaps in a confession to Aria once the readers have had time to forget all of this happening. As it was, it felt like I was just being told everything all over again, and even the revelation about the little girl being his sister didn't help - it just felt like a deleted affair.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
Last edited by The White Blacksmith on Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:37 am; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
Andolyn, I must say that I was in for a great shocker when I read your story. You managed to make it so readable the 5 chapters flew right by! The quality of your lines and your vocabulary is outstanding, and you make a way for every scene to come alive. If there was a medal I could award, you'd get it.
As far as mistakes go, we all have them, and yours weren't great to start with. After the slightly harsh transition of POV to Julian, I was confused for only a single sentence before I jumped back on the tracks. Your characters are fleshing out well (no pun intended, Mike) but I am afraid you rushed it a bit in this chapter, perhaps nudged by TheWhiteBlacksmiths critic. Although she might be a bit impatient, I assure you that your pace of fleshing out characters was well for your story, both in it's degree and speed.
Your mysterious Julian suddenly became our POV with all cards open because of that, and that impacted the story the most. I do not mind, as I see the awesome potential you are slowly but surely utilizing, but I just wanted you to know that there must be a balance of pleasing the crowd and writing from your heart.
I'm thinking of snatching your story from the Romance section and put it in Fantasy Forest... 
Now for the DP; I believe there should be a smashout, with one of the orderlies/bouncers hurting Julian, eventually putting him in a hospital bed himself. Maybe even introduce a girl that would make his head spin, just to annoy Aria? Or maybe the ruffians that were to rape her finally exit the vortex, and right into the room? Ooooh, I'm feeling naughty... 
Lyn, I must again say that you've got thumbs up from all of us, and we are rooting for the story to go on! 
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
I found the initial manner in which we see a change in POV here a bit jarring as well. Something needed to make it clear with the first line.
That'd be my only complaint.
What I most liked, among a chapter I generally thought was quite good, was how human you've made this very powerful Julian. He's nervous, unhealthy, wracked with pre-existing social issues. Well done.
As for the DP, I'm kinda thinking Mike would be just as much an admirer and would not so quickly 'bow out'. I'd imagine he's used to Julian getting all the attention by now and while he greatly appreciates Julian's friendship, may subtlely move to block him here in an effort to negotiate himself forward as a possible 'boyfriend'. I would find that to create the best means for generating plot tension in the tale. Surely, he wouldn't be used to a pretty girl paying attention to him at all so I'm sure he's quite taken with her and very worried she'll only have 'eyes' for Julian, who he believes is so superior to himself.
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:40 am Post subject: |
|
|
aww, thanks Cy and TB! i was starting to do this just a bit--> 
there are quite a few mistakes, i read back through my copy on my computer ((i'm saving as we go. ;] )) and fixed them...i'll get around to doing it here eventually...hahaha!!
i do apologize for the harshness. i'll see what i can do to smooth it out...suggestions on how to do that would be much appreciated. perhaps something on the lines of "Thanks, Julian," Her voice resounded in my head over and over as I sat in the darkness..."
This won't be the last PoV change, so i'll just throw out that warning. haha! i really enjoyed writing this way. As TBird said, it gives you a deeper perspective on the other characters that we might not see through Aria's eyes. (something that's always been a weakness of first person writing imo)
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Andolyn wrote: |
i do apologize for the harshness. i'll see what i can do to smooth it out...suggestions on how to do that would be much appreciated. perhaps something on the lines of "Thanks, Julian," Her voice resounded in my head over and over as I sat in the darkness..."
This won't be the last PoV change, so i'll just throw out that warning. haha! i really enjoyed writing this way. As TBird said, it gives you a deeper perspective on the other characters that we might not see through Aria's eyes. (something that's always been a weakness of first person writing imo) |
I don't think you even need to do that much. I found the PoV change fairly easy to tell, and got it from the first sentence or so because their locations were so detailed and different. It might be a bit more of a problem if they were in the same room, or if you changed in the middle of a chapter, but all you would really need to do is put their name in bold above it. That way you could have multiple changes without needing a detailed description each time.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i like this idea! =)
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 5:27 am Post subject: I Think....... |
|
|
*Looks around* Hmmmmmmmm....................... This is gonna be a little short, running low on time here...
For the PoV changes, I suggest some ***** action. Y'know, some sort of line breaker.
I really like the chappy, and this is definately shaping up to be a nice love infested plot! *Looks around* And I can't wait to see what "color" those bumps in the road to romantic victory are! 
As for the DP.....*Gets evil look on face* I see the two "Men" realisesing how the other feels about her rather quickly, seeing as they're BOTH head-over-heels for her. They should take it into the hall, and have a little bout over what to do about this. Inevetably, they sould go the friendly rivalry rout, so they daon't have hard feelings towards one aother if the other "wins" the girl. Also, I like the idea of the jocks falling into the hall during the discussion. No better place to dump them, seeing as an abyss is not a place that can be healthy for a human body.
Weill, that's my mind! Keep on truckin' Lyn-chan!
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:52 am Post subject: Re: I Think....... |
|
|
| PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: | *
For the PoV changes, I suggest some ***** action.
|
Eyecatcher! Noticed it straight away.
But yes, An, using the asteriks or lot of underscores, like "________________" can help.
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 7:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked this chapter. The only issue I had has already been mentioned in (almost) every reply, so Im gonna let it pass.
As for the DP, get a Mark vs "Weak" Julian fight
Make it so that we have...
"Mark hates Julian. Julian hates Mark. Mark likes Aria and Julian likes Aria. Aria likes both"
The next DP being "Who should Aria go with?" would cause some (more) activity Just Saying
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tainted Biohazard
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2011
Topics: 1
Posts: 53
Location: The Absu
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Mike aughta just leave the room, but in a way that makes it clear he's not happy to be handing Julian over. I wouldn't think he would have allowed himself too much attachment to Aria given that he already knows no girl will want him. But that doesn't make it easy to do what he's always done, give up. I think she should notice how unhappy he seems to be as he goes out into the hall saying, "Alright, I guess I'll leave you two alone."
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 6:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| POLLING!!!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:43 am Post subject: Poll |
|
|
You completely ignored me DP suggestion...........................
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| i'm sorry, Pope!! not all of my results posted for some reason. i'm going to go back and fix it.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Aria
“Hey Julian,” the sound of my own voice was odd as it bounced through the room. I watched the shy man in the doorway sweep his ebony hair out of his eyes as he debated whether or not to enter. Those electric eyes had joined my fondest dreams since I’d first seen them the day before. There was something familiar about the way they demanded the attention of the observer, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The multifaceted glow of them made me want to melt into the floor.
“Hey, Man!” Mike was just finishing my jello. It was clear—his comfort level with me—as he’d just snatched it from my tray as soon as the nurse was out the door. I didn’t mind in the slightest, but I did find a great deal of humor in the action. “Come in! Join the party!”
I watched Julian. His hesitancy to intrude was obvious in the way he walked—slightly hunched in an almost defensive manner with his slender arms crossed over the lean form of his body. He took the seat next to Mike. I couldn’t tell if this was simply out of comfort or to make it easier for me to converse with them. He knew I was deaf. This meant if they were on opposite sides of me I’d have to turn to see their faces. I rather hoped it was the latter…something about the idea of him paying attention to the little things made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I wasn’t the only one to take notice of Julian’s shy consideration. Being his best friend, Mike knew Julian very well. With an expression I couldn’t quite interpret, Mike cleared his throat and stood.
“I’ll be right back,” with that, he half bowed to me and Julian before slipping out into the hallway.
Julian and I sat in awkward silence for a moment before I finally spoke.
“They said I’ll get to go home tomorrow morning,” I fidgeted with my wristband as I spoke, “They said they just want to keep me one more night for observation.” Julian nodded with a soft smile. There were 1000 things I wanted to say to him at that moment, but nothing would come. He seemed to be struggling with a similar problem.
“I’m sorry,” he started, “that…you had to see that. I got angry…I’m still angry…I just…” he trailed off. I stood, moving to his side on the couch.
“It’s alright,” I looked deep into the wells of his eyes. “You probably saved my life.” He held my gaze for several seconds before looking at his hands.
“… More than worth it…” he mumbled.
“What?” I wasn’t sure of the meaning of his statement, but I didn’t like the tired expression on his face when he said it. He started as though he’d just been awoken from a daze.
“Nothing,” he shook his head, looking at me again with a smile that made me melt again. “I’m sorry, I was talking to myself.”
Just then, Mike popped back into the room. He held a stash of snacks in his hands.
“Geez, had to walk a friggin’ mile to the nearest machine!”
I laughed, and Julian looked half relieved and half disappointed. Mike had a way of giving us both confidence.
The three of us chatted lightly about things as consequential as the weather, but I wouldn’t have traded the time for the world. I examined the two men sitting in front of me. They were so different in almost every way, yet they seemed to fit. Mike’s lighthearted chatter was beautifully complimented by Julian’s dark mystery. The latter didn’t say much through the entirety of the afternoon, but listened to Mike and I go on with a small smile playing on his thin lips.
Later that afternoon, I began to notice that Julian no longer seemed to be with us in the room. His gaze was distant and empty. Mike noticed it too.
“Julian, what’s wrong?” his tone was full of worry. He knew what was coming. I looked closer at the young man and saw the thin layer of sweat forming on his face and neck. He had grown deathly pale. Julian didn’t respond, but continued staring at the floor. Mike shook him, and Julian looked at Mike with the same emptiness in his eyes. Those eyes I’d admired only a short time before were now utterly void of life—it made me shudder. “Julian, you aren’t still holding them…”
But Julian was gone. His blue eyes rolled back as a horrible wheeze tore from him. Then his breathing halted and he began to collapse. I was completely stunned, but Mike still held to his wits.
“Julian!” his waves told me his voice was almost a growl. “Julian, stay with me!! DAMNIT! He’s held them for too long!! He knows what that does to him!” Mike grabbed the young man, holding the lifeless form in his arms. “Aria! Get out from in front of him!”
In a daze, I did as I was told, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. Mike laid Julian on the couch and jumped to my side. From Julian’s upturned chest, grew a plume of what looked like black smoke, but soon, it burst into a giant swirling vortex. My friend held me and braced himself on the wall behind us, waiting. I cannot describe the terror running through my mind as the vortex grew until it almost filled the room. Mike held my face into his shoulder.
When he loosened his grip, I looked up to find that the vortex was gone, but the horror had only begun. Sprawled on the floor, crusted in ice, and looking on the edge of sanity, were my attackers from the previous night. Each of their gazes were hollow—their faces locked in looks of petrified fear. My eyes, however, found Julian.
Nurses and orderlies had already begun seeing to the dazed men scattered on the ground, but my attention was taken by a much more terrifying sight. I looked to the couch where Mike was leaning over Julian’s lifeless body. His shirt had been shredded by the sheer power of the vortex his body had been forced to create. His already alabaster skin was whiter than a sheet of paper, and his lips were pale blue.
I watched as Mike shook him, screaming his name over and over, but it was in vain. When one of the nurses finally came to him, she raced to the blue lever above the head of my bed. My blood ran cold. I knew what that lever meant. I’d seen it used far too many times.
I wanted to move—to run grab Julian’s hand, touch his hair, feel his face—anything besides what I found myself doing at that moment: sitting, frozen in place, stricken by utter and absolute fear. I’d never experienced this before. Usually, when a Code Blue was called, I was the first to spring into action, but as I watched Mike and the nurse move Julian to my bed and desperately begin CPR, I was in shock. This couldn’t be happening. Not him. Not here. Not when I had yet to even properly thank him for what he’d done for me that night.
Soon, the crash cart arrived, and the room was frenzied with action. The nurse continued to do CPR while the code team prepared to shock Julian.
“Clear!!” I saw one of the nurses yell. I found myself wrapped in Mike’s arms as it finally registered that my own sound waves were bouncing around the room. I was sobbing. Julian’s body jolted with the blast of electricity that had just hit him.
When it did, a scream of agony tore from my lips. I fought Mike’s grasp, desperate to get to Julian, but he was too strong.
Mike pulled my face around so that I was forced to see him speaking. The whites of his eyes matched the deep red irises with tears of his own running down his green face.
“Look at me,” his sound waves were calm in spite of the chaos around us, “Keep your eyes on me. Julian will be fine. He took it too far this time, but he’ll bounce back. He always does. Don’t you worry.”
Three more times I saw the waves of the electric shock go past us, and three more times the chaos continued. Then suddenly, all was calm. Defeated, Mike loosened his hold on me. I pulled away enough to see his face again. The utter shock on his face and the tears forming at the corners of his eyes made him look as though someone had just hit him with a truck.
No! I knew what all this meant as well.
I turned in time to see the nurse say, “Call it,” and check her watch for the exact time of Julian’s death. My breath caught. I watched as the nurses slowly, painfully, packed their equipment back in the cart. When they stepped away, I had a clear view of the bed. There was Julian: his beautiful eyes closed and surrounded by dark rings, his raven hair now drenched in sweat, clinging to his forehead, his lips, that ghastly blue that chilled my very soul. Feelings of loss equal to those I’d felt the day I’d lost my family flooded over me.
Mike had taken the nurses’ place at Julian’s side. With desperation bordering on hysteria, Mike compressed Julian’s stilled chest. The orderlies stood quietly in the doorway, allowing us our grief.
“Please, Julian,” he sobbed, “PLEASE!!” He continued pleading with the lifeless body until his own had completely fallen apart.
The initial shock of what had just occurred faded momentarily at this point. I couldn’t stop myself—I ran forward myself and raised my arms over my head.
“JULIAAAN!!!” I half sobbed, half screamed as I brought my fists down—one still in the cast—on his chest with my head right behind them. With my eyes closed, I saw and heard nothing, but what I felt, to this day, I cannot explain.
My upper body that I’d just thrown on top of Julian rose and fell drastically in quick succession, followed by several smaller, rapid movements. Just then, a hand was on the top of my head, but I was soon dragged off my friend and half thrown back onto the couch.
The nurses were back in action, fitting an oxygen mask over the face of the man they’d only seconds before pronounced dead. Julian’s eyes, tired and weak, scanned the room as the nurses rushed down the hallway to the critical care bay with him.
*****
Holy Crap!! what do we do now? do we race down the hallway after Julian? do we be rational and get Mike back together? do we just sit there in shock and grief for a moment? maybe Alyson (having had curiosity get the best of her) decides to come up and see who Julian's visiting and finds us in the floor putting Mike back together? other suggestions?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
misterbiz
Horror Mod
Joined: 10 Jan 2010
Topics: 50
Posts: 461
Location: a chair in a cold dark living room
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Stay with Mike...his main hombre just died after all
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Double posted your chapter there... I'd delete one but wasn't sure if you'd made an edit to one or the other.
Reread the end there Bizzy... I'm sure she meant Julian had started breathing again but was as a result suddenly whisked away by the nurses. I didn't catch anywhere that stated Mike had fallen apart though... I dunno. Mike would probably rather she chase after and see what's happening. She may not be allowed to go the full distance with them into the ER though so once she's turned away, I'm sure she'd immediately return to help Mike and cry on each other's shoulders.
Great scenework btw! I thought you were actually gonna take him out... the way you pulled that off at the end actually took me by surprise which is saying something.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with TB,some of those scenes were excellently written, and the chapter as an entirety was fabulous! Very well done! So glad Julian's okay!
For the dp, I'm going to agree with Bizzy and say just stay with Mike. Help put him back together, and have him explain to Aria properly about what happened. Afterall, as well as Julian almost dying, a load of frozen, petrified guys just reappeared. I'm sure that, even though they're a bunch of arseholes, Aria would still be interested to know what actually happened to them, and why they're in the state they're in, and if they're still alive, I guess would be another question to be answered. And Mike, being Julian's best friend is likely to know at least some of the answers. So in more simple terms - Stay with Mike, put him back together, and discuss the event in more detail.
Great chappie, Andi! Looking forward to the next one already!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
Excellente! Emotions are really bubbling in this one, and they were milliseconds from bursting!
Ooooh, I think she should help Mike first, and then check out the goons. Additionally, she could ask the nurses for Julian's medical file, or steal it. There is bound to be a file on Julian describing at least some facets of his power.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 4:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
BRILLIANT!!
Loved the chapter! I felt like I was actually there with the three of them, and the emotions were so real. Great work.
For the DP, Do nothing. There is nothing we can do, except try to console Mike. I wouldn't want to push and ask him what happenned to Julian or what happened to his victims. He would probably scream "They're all dead".
Just stay with him and keep quiet. We don't REALLY know how close Julian and Mike were, except that "they were very close". There would be a lot going through Mike's mind now, and posing questions wouldn't be the nicest thing to do. Wait till he's a bit better, perhaps.
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| oops! i did double post when i edited. haha! weird...anywho, thanks for the encouragement everyone! this was a high-strung chapter, and i was honestly worried about how well it would go over...or if it would crash and burn completely...haha!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 3:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
Brilliant
Id like to see this move on now... :/
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| gimme a bit, Vikas...i AM working 40+ hours a week while doing this.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 8:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Voah... sorry
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 5:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| hahaha! s'ok. not just too many people know about that...well...i guess they do now. haha!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tainted Biohazard
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2011
Topics: 1
Posts: 53
Location: The Absu
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I created a tie... sorry. But I can see how both results can work together. Can you do that?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 4:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i can totally do something with it. XD
sorry for the giant delay, but there will be new chapters in BOTH my SGs TONIGHT. i promise.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:53 pm Post subject: Chapter 7 |
|
|
I apologize to those of you who voted "steal the record" it will come, i promise...but it just didnt fit this chapter. i hope you like it anyway.
*****
Mike
I couldn’t believe this was happening. It had never gone this far before. I’d witnessed Julian’s passionate anger on very few occasions, but never had he taken it this far. He’d never killed himself over someone.
Julian’s power was unique. “A gift of the gods” I’d heard one of our Gifted instructors call it…but it came with a high price. Perhaps if anyone but Julian had been given this Gift, it wouldn’t have been so difficult for the user…In fact, I can clearly remember verbally assaulting a few people for insinuating that Julian’s give had been wasted on “someone like him”.
Julian is the strongest, most noble man I know. His body just hasn’t realized it yet. Aside from the many temporary illnesses that had landed him in the hospital (or in John’s care if he protested loudly enough), Julian chronically suffered from asthma. He spent most of our younger days in and out of the hospitals which played a part in making us the men we are today—polar opposites, yet best friends. Julian became a quiet, cool headed introvert—silently guarding those he cared about while doing little in defense of himself (and doing a hell of a job at it if I do say so), and I became…well…me—rough, mouthy defender of the weak…Truth be told though, I wouldn’t be able to protect anyone if I tried…and believe me…I have…
But I sat there (if you can call it sitting) in the hospital floor, unable to form a thought much less speak, while the girl I’d come to call one of my best friends duct taped me back together. She, like me, was still in a state of shock. Her slender hands shook as she carefully pulled all my pieces together and wrapped the tape around me. Though her accuracy was perfect, she was barely watching what she was doing—her reddened eyes fixed in a glazed stare. Silent tears streaked her lovely face.
When my mind started working again, I replayed the events of the past few minutes. We had been talking and having a wonderful time, and then Julian had gotten quiet. Well, more quiet than usual. Aria had noticed it too. Those green eyes of hers had been studying him quietly for several minutes. I don’t think she realized she was doing it.
When I looked at Julian, the look on his face told me everything I needed to know about the situation. I’d seen it before.
Julian and I met in the first grade. Most kids our age were at the phase where our powers were becoming evident, but I was one of the lucky few that were born obvious freaks. My “Gift” was always the topic of torment for as long as I can remember. One day (like many before), I’d lost my arm, and one of the boys in my class was running away from me with it.
The boy was faster, and eventually I gave up. Out of breath and pissed off, I sat down—yelling insults at him—but this was not the reaction the boy wanted. He wanted tears, and I simply wasn’t the type of boy to oblige. That’s when things got really ugly.
Knowing what my body was capable of, the boy began pulling my fingers from their sockets—which hurt like hell since the separation was forced, but I was tough, and only shouted further insults while the rest of my body began crumbling under the stress. (I was worse at staying together then than I am now.)
What I hadn’t noticed until now was the scrawny, pale boy who had made his way to my side. I’d seen this kid before lurking in the back of the class. He never spoke to anyone, but was kind to everyone. His shaggy raven hair hung in his electric blue eyes as he politely asked the boy to give me my arm back. The only response was another removed finger. My defender flinched as if it had been his own.
“Don’t do that,” the words had been simple, but the tone behind them had grown darker. His voice was quiet and timid, but there was definitely a deep strength there that he had yet to discover.
Another finger.
“Don’t do that.”
This time, the boy threw my arm on the ground and jumped. As his full weight came down on my disembodied arm, the tears finally came to my stubborn eyes.
“DON’T DO THAT,” the boy screamed as his whole body disappeared in a cloud of swirling black.
The next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital room. It was a double room, and the curtain was open to where I could see the boy from earlier was next to me. He was unconscious, and his parents sat at his bedside looking worried. A voice on my other side caught my attention.
“Hey, baby,” my mom’s voice was shaky and tired sounding. “Looks like you had a rough day again, huh?”
I only nodded, examining my own body as I did. I was surprised to see that my arm was still missing…as were both my legs.
“Mom?” I had asked, frightened. Her reluctance to tell me about it was evident, but there was really no way for her to cover it up.
“Julian,” she began, “the boy who was with you—he found his Gift today…they think his body made a vortex of some sort…the boy you were fighting with is gone…and so are…” Here, she stopped and cried. Given the childhood I’d already dealt with at this early age, I wasn’t an easy scare…my missing limbs didn’t worry me too much. Even if they did, I had to be mom’s man. I was the only one she had, after all.
My eyes wandered to the other bed. It seemed like the boy was hooked up to more monitors than I could count. I thought back on what he’d done for me. I knew it took guts for him to do what he’d done. Julian. You’re a pretty cool kid.
It was after visiting hours were over that Julian finally awoke. I had been doodling on a napkin to busy myself, but looked up when I heard him stir. He was his usual quiet self—just lay there observing the surroundings for a moment. When he saw me though, he bolted upright, causing several of the monitors to squeal.
“Your arm!” he cried. I moved the blanket ever so slightly, “AND your legs?? What happened??”
“You don’t remember?” The confused look on Julian’s face told me he didn’t. “You stood up for me when that jerk took my arm…thanks.” Julian’s face dropped. Apparently he remembered now.
“I did this,” It was a cold, shameful statement coming from one so small. “I got angry…I wanted him to pay for what he was doing to you…and then he was gone.” He looked to the place where my legs should have been. “I guess I went too far…”
“Maybe a little,” I laughed. He finally laughed too. We spent the whole night laughing and playing games the nurses gave us.
Around midnight though, something changed with Julian. He started spacing out—stopping in mid-sentence. His eyes turned glassy and another of the violent vortexes tore from his small body.
When it stopped, the room was a mess. Nurses had rushed in, screaming orders to bring a gurney for the frightened boy who had landed against the wall, shivering slightly. Julian was picking himself up off the floor next to the opposite wall, looking dazed. Blood streamed down his arm from the IV that had ripped out.
After a few counseling sessions, the bully was fine…though he was never a bully again. It took almost a week for all my body parts to be recovered from Julian’s void…each one a little colder than the previous ones. I laugh every time I think of it now.
Julian taught himself to control his power over the next few years until he had it to a science. He would practice taking in small things and instantly releasing them from time to time. He couldn’t do it too often, and he couldn’t hold anything for very long as it taxed his body heavily, but the power he harnessed within that Gift was something truly incredible to behold. Never again had I seen him use it on another person…until the incident with Aria.
Aria.
This is where my mind entered the little room again. Aria had finished taping me back together, and I was lying in the floor. She crouched near me next to the wall, staring blankly at the floor with tears still streaming down her cheeks.
I knew exactly how she felt. Though I doubted she’d experienced this feeling before today. It wasn’t my first.
No, in fact, Aria very much reminded me of someone I’d lost. They looked nothing alike, but they shared the same spirit and demeanor. They were both beautiful, but both were humble. Both had this…aura, almost of love and kindness…and they had both accepted me as I was, without question—a rare quality indeed.
Kaiya was the love of my life. Strawberry hair set off her brown eyes that could paralyze me with a glance. I craved the slightest touch from her porcelain skin so much it hurt. Her every movement was a dance, and the burning of ten thousand stars couldn’t compare to the light of her smile.
She was my best friend. My companion and soulmate.
She completed me—my forbidden love. The darkness that had consumed me since my childhood was demolished when she was near. Everything was brilliant day.
Never could I be what she deserved. I couldn’t hope to come close…yet I dared to try.
Perhaps it was for that reason she was taken from me. Maybe this was my punishment for claiming something to which I had no right. Such joy wasn’t meant for one such as me.
A monster.
A reject.
A weakling.
For all my talk, I was nothing. No good intentions would save the ones I loved. Because of that, I became the clown. I hid myself away behind a mask of stone covered in jokes and “I’m fine”s. Only Julian saw me as I really was. My one true friend…until now.
Yesterday fate shined on me again, and another angel stumbled into my life. She wasn’t my Kaiya, I knew that. But what she was…I couldn’t quite say.
Blindly, I’d run at my fortune again. I hated myself for it. I hated my selfish inability to be alone. I hated that someone like her was willing to love me unconditionally…and I hated that I let myself try again. She was too far above someone like me…and I knew it.
Yet here I was…watching her cry, and daring to wish I could be the one to make her stop.
*****
Well...what does Mike do? does he go with what his heart tells him to do and try to stop her tears? or does he listen to the voice in the back of his mind that tells him to stay silent?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:21 am Post subject: |
|
|
Amazing chapter. I liked it a lot and finally, we get to know something about our character Judging by the state he is in, I'd say Mike stays silent.
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 9:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
One of the best chapters I've read from you to date An! You really delivered us the goods here - tension, tragedy, empathy. It was tough cuz I think a lot of guys feel like they might just be a Mike rather than a Julian. Fate deals such cruel cards sometimes.
But yeah, LOVE this and I'm really looking forward to seeing how you play it all out. Could go a couple of ways, all very interesting in the extreme.
Lets crank up the issue a notch. Aria isn't really smitten with Mike (yet) for she has her eyes on Julian. She likes Mike, and is capable of really loving him, though perhaps never as a true 'mate'. I say we increase the problems to come for all three and have Mike show a compassionate, kind, and insightful side that would melt any girl's heart. He's going to shine on her right now - much as he may not wish to, he won't be able to help himself... Love has a way of taking self-control and inner wisdom and throwing it out the window. He knows that he's stepping in on his best friend's territory (or is he, whispers a thought in the back of his mind... did HE not meet Aria first??? What makes him automatically assume that he should move aside just because the two of them have obvious interet in each other? Maybe its time to grow a pair... etc...)
So yeah, he councils and consoles and gets her giggling again. He bares a hidden part of his soul to her, perhaps something about the other girl... Kaiya. And he shows in himself a very loveable side.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 9:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'm completely in agreement with TB there, Andi. Certainly some of your best writing to date. I loved seeing things from Mike's point of view, and hearing first hand about his inner feelings for Aria, and emotions on Julian's situation. Their backstory was wonderful, and the connection between the two men isn't going to be easily broken, I think, considering the price that Julian nearly paid to help Mike. And yet, if feelings keep growing within them for Aria, someone is going to get desperately hurt here, and I don't like the thought of it happening to any of them. In fact, due to the relationships that have developed between them, it's likely there's going to be some hurt on all of their shoulders. Wonderful storyline you have growing here, Andi,even though there's going to become a point, me thinks, when one will have to get the tissues out whilst reading.
DP wise, I think that Mike should comfort Aria, but try and keep it to being just as friends for now. Whatever his romantic interest in her is, she's also his friend, and very much needs him to be there for her right now. Put all ideas of love from his mind, both his and the others, and just concentrate on being a friend.
Still very much loving this, girl! Keep it up!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
misterbiz
Horror Mod
Joined: 10 Jan 2010
Topics: 50
Posts: 461
Location: a chair in a cold dark living room
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 1:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
He him tell that inner voice to stow it and stay and console her
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tainted Biohazard
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2011
Topics: 1
Posts: 53
Location: The Absu
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
yes.... gooood! This begins looking darker by the moment... the shadow rises and jealousy reigns, as it should in any really GOOD romance tale.
I say he would still feel hopeless though, and would certainly think his friend would get her no matter what he does. So I say he suddenly seems kinda depressed and bummed out and just sits back drowning in his own misery. This might wake her up from her own personal self absorption here, which would be even more intriguing.
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 4:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| ok. so i leave for Greece for 2 weeks on Thursday, so i'm going to hurry this along a bit & go ahead & poll so that hopefully i can have a new chapter up before i leave. =)
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
Bravissimo, Lyn! None of the comments on the excellency of your writing are wrong. Hope you're having fun in Greece.
I don't think the Romeo act would help here. She needs a strong, towering pillar in the middle of the crumbling temple of her emotions. Though he shouldn't intrude, he shouldn't back off. Just like a pillar. I believe it is up to her to decide, and he should be himself while she does. I don't think she's the kind of girl interested in meaningless bravado. She can see sounds, so to her the tone and the sincerity of one's words is the most important aspects.
My 
*Sits down, munches on some popcorn, and waits for the next chapter*
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
*curses at self*
Voted from the wrong account(the treasurey), sorry! I'll keep away from voting with this one.
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
And not only that, but you managed to tie it.
We still have time, she said she'll be back by the 20th of this month. Still a week to go.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 7:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yep, I noticed the tie part.
*resits temptation to break tie*
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Topics: 168
Posts: 3998
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 2:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I've fallen well behind on this, but just to let you know, I'm working through to catch up.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 6:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
*still waiting*
Oh, btw, there's a tie there now
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i'm still waiting for my muse...*kicks muse* she's being a slacker on this one right now...LOL it will come though, i promise!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Test poll (no point in voting) |
| Option 1 |
|
100% |
[ 1 ] |
| Option 2 |
|
0% |
[ 0 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 1 |
| Who Voted: Tazgirl18992 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
