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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:14 am    Post subject: Mister Biz's Collection Reply with quote

Biz Bit: Time for some poetry. Called it my collection because a lot of poetry will be put in here. Yeah. First piece is about a friend of mine. Enjoy.

Jess
The heavens did weep when they made thee
The most beautiful creature any man doth see
Skin that is, was, as smooth as a marble floor
Your voice as sweet as wine that I needed to hear more
Your gaze melted me like ice thrown upon a flame
My soul soared high whenever you said my name
But fate can be a witch, so violent and cruel
Pushing me around and making me look quite the fool
The gods envied you for your beauty and your love
So they trapped you in yourself, making a crow from a dove
They broke your spirit and wreaked havoc on your faith
And kept me from saving you by placing me in chains
Then they took you back to sit like a dog, poised at their feet
Taking from me the kindest soul I ever did meet
The gods felt great envy when they created thee
Envy so great, they stole my only goddess from me
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:23 am    Post subject: I Think...... Reply with quote

Very nice. A very heart felt and many time true poem. I weep for the sadness within.
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe I've read this before but it doesn't get old. The purest of your expressions, this one - quite beautiful as well.
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 12:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting use of 'thee' and 'doth'. I'm wondering why-- it seems a bit archaic. Maybe it corresponds with the whole theme of gods, godesses, and inspiration. The elements are well blended.

Although I applaud the effort, I'd also like to see something more modern from you. Smile
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wonderful poem. I love alot of it and liked the rest. Keep going! *Thumbs up*
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 7:14 pm    Post subject: The Villain in Me Reply with quote

Biz Bit:Ok. Not impressed with my first poetic impression. Shouldn't have been mellow. Most of my stuff ain't. so I present to you lyrics I wrote after a vicious breakup that helped make me a bit more psycho. Enjoy.

The Villain in Me
I thought you were Wonder Woman
But you had a Joker's grin
You painted me up and then I danced
Like your personal harlequin
You wanted to elevate your alter-ego
So you just batted a lash
Then you sold me out cuz you were done
Left me quick as a flash

But you won't have no happy ending
When you're crying out pleas
I will not save you as you sit and beg
Like a dog upon your knees
Superman won't fly in to help you now
You'll suffer for the world to see
Because the hatred and the evil in you
Brought out the villain in me

I looked upon you like you were a marvel
I'd come whenever you called
You weaved you magic like an enchantress
You had me wholly enthralled
I served as your loyal minion, only living
To serve your every whim
Then you dropped me for a better sidekick
I guess I'll just take a hammer to him

Because I'll take away your happy ending
While you're crying out pleas
I will not save you as you sit and beg
Like a dog upon your knees
Superman won't fly in to save the day
You'll suffer for the world to see
Because the hatred and the evil in you
Brought out the villain in me

I'm beyond death's stroke now, bitch
Just you wait and see
You'll find that the bane of your existence
Is little hate-filled me
So go ahead, my dear arch-enemy
I can sit here and wait
For you to fall into my little trap
So I can seal your fate

Because I'll take away your happy ending
While you're crying out pleas
I will not save you as you sit and beg
Like a dog upon your knees
Superman won't fly in to save the day
You'll suffer for the world to see
Because the hatred and the evil in you
Brought out the villain in me
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PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that's what I'm talking about. It's a bit psycho, but much more refreshing in its use of language and cultural symbols (such as WW, Superman).

Does make me wonder about the superhero references. Is the poem implying that trying to measure up to standards of perfection produces inhumanity? Quite possible.
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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bizzy... you're just simply awesome. Only your own words can describe how cool this is:
Quote:
I served as your loyal minion, only living
To serve your every whim
Then you dropped me for a better sidekick
I guess I'll just take a hammer to him

Nice. So very nice. Inspiring.
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 4:09 pm    Post subject: Not My Queen Reply with quote

Not My Queen
Your touch is like barbed wire upon my flesh
You rend the skin from my bone
You scream to keep your bitter anger fresh
Yet I hear terror in your tone
I am degraded by every syllable you speak
Pushing me down to feel whole
You like to trample upon the hurt and the weak
Because you can't stand your soul

You're nothing but a ghost and that's all you'll be
You'll fade to nothingness, not even a memory
Just a symbol of all that is dangerous to me
You'll die unloved and alone just wait and see
Covered in muck, welcome your mediocrity

Your beauty is a curse, you'll soon rot away
Show the world your true form
Your so deep and different is what you say
But your just part of the norm
You say to bow at your feet but I'll just stand
You're not my queen anymore
I'll make a toast with all the poison at hand
Watch as it eats you to your core

Because you are not the victim that you pretend
And I will piss upon your grave at the very end
And forget how I was once your only friend
You have lost the heart that I once tried to mend
Nothing but a wolf that gets the sheep to defend

You'll be crushed under the weight of your sin
I hope you enjoy the taste
I'll watch you suffer with a wicked little grin
Because your nothing but waste
Shuffle off this mortal coil, you do stain it so
I can not wait until your gone
Grab your favorite blade and please just go
So I can party until the dawn

And I'll be there to shovel dirt onto your grave
I'll bury you because I'm no longer your slave
You call me a coward but I'll show you that I'm brave
And prove that I'm something more than a knave
All because you ruined everything that I gave
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Boy, I would think twice before going out on a date with you! Razz

Very dark and wrathful, as well as self-righteous-- inspired by Hamlet, perhaps? I gather that because of "mortal coil", which if I remember correctly is a line in the famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy.
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... whether we DO things like this or not, I'm sure at times we've all FELT like this at one point or another. And for that excellent expression of such moments, I tip my hat to thee Mr B.
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:40 pm    Post subject: Dear Father Reply with quote

Dear Father
Dear Father, Why did you leave me?
Now I have abandonment issues
My Father, I wanted you to know
That I never really missed you
I’ve heard all bout you
In the stories that float around
About how you vanished into the night
You left without a single sound

Sweet Father, I’ve heard a tale
You were a soldier
I have my doubts
Cuz I’ve grown so much older
You were a soldier
That I’ll never believe
Cuz the fact remains that
You’ll always be a deserter to me

Fuck you, father
Why did you go?
I hope you think about the kid
That you’ll never get to know
I've grown up fine without you
Gotten by on my own beliefs
I've learned how to be a man
And how to survive through my grief

I’m sorry, my father
That I was given life
I guess you were just confused enough
What you didn’t know, you could deny
I’m at peace now
You selfish, little ass
If I had the chance to meet you
You better believe that I’d pass

You know, Father
I’ve had this master plan
I’d grow up to be better than you
After all, I’m the bigger man
I wish I could really truly hate you
But I’m not gonna judge
Life is just too short
To hold my life-long grudge

I’m better off now, Father
Than if you had stayed
Face it you arrogant dick
I’ve really got it made
I hope you’ve been happy
Since you disappeared into the wind
Daddy, I love you
Sincerely, your forgotten kid
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Biz, this made me CRY!!! ='( it's beautiful and very passionate though.
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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's very heartfelt, to be sure. I can only hope someday there will be either reconciliation or forgiveness, like in Johnny Cash's song "A Boy Named Sue".
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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read and commented on this before.
But you see new things when you read through works like this so I'll add to my previous statements there.

One thing you did fascinatingly well was deliver us the viewpoint of a great deal of inner conflict. In one line you state you are at peace, yet the next you're cursing him out - not the sign of one at peace. It's a bit jarring - in a good way - a paradox that is yet understandable. Speaks of Will vs Will and that's a powerful place from which to write poetry.
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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2011 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dead Angel's Hand
You stare at the clock because you can feel
Your time slowly slipping away
You try to weasel your way out of paying the toll
But it's one you have to pay
A venomous tongue takes you from your feet
And brings you to your knees
You start to cry but its all in vain because Giltine
Will not heed your weak pleas
She'll take you away from your happy or horrid life
No matter what you do
You can't run and you can't hide from Giltine's sting
She'll always come and find you

Wear a smile before Yama takes it away
Do what you must in the time you can stay
Hold a lover close and right before the end
Maybe Mr. Black will let you say good-bye to your friends
Close your eyes, take a breath, go out like a man
Just accept your fate and take hold of the Dead Angel's hand

Here comes the Angel who flies with blackened wings
Coming to take your soul
Thanatos will take you to the bank of the blackened river
So you can pay your toll
You can cry if you want but the gods will not hear you now
You're beyond any hurt or help
So look across the river at what awaits your sudden arrival
Be it heaven or wretched hell
Before you cross, feel free to look back at everyone and thing
That you are leaving behind
But don't stare too long at the past because I guarantee that
You will surely lose your mind

It'll be easy if you go along for the ride
Even though this is eating you inside
You'll leave even if you scream all the while
Just relax and trust the black angel's smile
It'll be painless so please just close your eyes
You can't run away because everyone dies

The hourglass is always tilted, slowly pouring away
Never making a sound
Azrael will come to escort you from your mortal shell
Before you hit the ground
Please don't weep and do your best not to worry
I promise that I'll be fine
Ankou can prove to be one of your greatest friends
Just like you were mine
Once you cross that immortal river, will you please wait
It won't be long you see
Because once the dark man with the scythe is done with you
He'll be coming for me

It'll be easy if you go along for the ride
Even though this is eating you inside
Hold a lover close and right before the end
Maybe Mr. Black will let you say good-bye to your friends
It'll be painless so please just close your eyes
You can't run away because everyone dies

Wear a smile before Yama takes it away
Do what you must in the time you can stay
You'll leave even if you scream all the while
Just relax and trust the black angel's smile
Close your eyes, take a breath, go out like a man
Just accept your fate and take hold of the Dead Angel's hand
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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2011 1:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kombat
I learned how to live through fatalities
Filling my up with a Kombat mentality
Must fight to live, live to fight
Krush the opposition with Shokan might
You cannot win, I'm sorry to tell
After this fight, I'll see you in hell

I'm back from the darkness
Like a Netherrealm Spectre
To stare right in your soul
Immortal lie detector
I see how my presence
Chills you right down to the bone
You try to run away
But your whereabouts are unknown
My centaur kick takes you down
I'll stand over you just to gloat
Down a jug of sake
Put my drunken fist down your throat

I learned how to live through fatalities
Became filled with a Kombat mentality
Must fight to live, live to fight
Krush the opposition with Shokan might
You will not win, I'm sorry to tell
After this fight, I'll see you in hell

I'll set you up to suffer
With a grin, I'll sit back and watch
Lock you away in a cage
And then I'll pulverize your crotch
Like a shock to your system
I'm a thunder god in the flesh
I'll throw acid in your face
Dine upon your soul while its fresh
Necromancer supreme
I revel with the damned and their pleas
Give you a Tarkatan grin
Violate you while you're on your knees

I learned how to live through fatalities
Completely filled with a Kombat mentality
Must fight to live, live to fight
Krush the opposition with Shokan might
You'll never win, I'm sorry to tell
After this fight, I'll see you in hell

With undead might, I'll end you
Like my fists were crafted from steel
I'll force you to kiss my blade
Run you through to prove my fury's real
You will look into my eye
Start to cower when you see it glow
I'll bring you forth with a spear
Then I'll slaughter you just for show
You tried to give it your all
But this champ had the better technique
And as I tear out your spine
Your queen will let out a vicious shriek

I learned how to live through fatalities
Completely filled with a Kombat mentality
Must fight to live, live to fight
Krush the opposition with Shokan might
I will always win, I'm sorry to tell
After this fight, I'll see you in hell
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 3:43 am    Post subject: I Think...... Reply with quote

*Dies* Much luv fer all of these. The last 2 give me warm tingles for the memorie they induce. The dead angel oe with it's myth bases al over the place, giving me happy recals of school and studying, and Kombat of all the times I handed my MUCh bigger brother his ass with the girl characters from Mortal Kombat! ~Sonya Blade's da BOMB!~ Anyway, great work here. May want to read through and turn a 'my' into a 'me' and other such spelling things. Unless intentional! Then, perfecto I say!
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Biz Bit: A love song I wrote to my current girlfriend. I'm seeking judgement and opinions before I share the piece with her. Do ya'll like it? Is it good? Should I give it to her?

Kiss Me in the Rain
You can make things right whenever
My little world starts to go wrong
You bring a method to my madness
When my voices just seem too strong
You are the reason within my chao
When I can no longer fight
You free me from all of my inner havoc
So I can get through the night

Because you hold me in the thunder
And then you kiss me in the rain
And I can feel the lightning
Whenever you speak my name
I don't need shelter from the storm
Because you're my only oasis
With you right by my side
I know I can face this
I've never felt this whole
And never felt so sane
So, just wrap your arms around me
And kiss me in the rain

The winds rage all around me
Telling me to just conform
But then you came strolling right in
And quieted the raging storm
You looked me in the eyes
And made me forget about the cold
You told me not to worry because
You'll always be mine to hold

And you'll always you hold me in the thunder
And then kiss me in the rain
And I can feel the lightning
Whenever you speak my name
I don't need shelter from the storm
Because you're my only oasis
With you right by my side
I know I can face this
I've never felt this whole
And never felt so sane
So, just wrap your arms around me
And kiss me in the rain

You're the only one I wanna be with
You make my world a safer place
Your love had me totally hooked
From the very first taste
I know that i could never survive
Living without you
Because whenever we're apart
I start to come unglued
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Biz Bit: True story about a fight I was in. Enjoy.

The Fight

Two figures stand
Out in the mud
Each one dying
To shed some blood
The preacher man
Is first to strike
Against the sinner
He does despise
The sinner hits
With a mighty fist
Sending forth a
Mighty crimson mist
He follows through
With a solid kick
To the hated guts
Of the self-righteous prick

The preacher coughs
And stumbles back
As he starts to plan
His next attack
His knuckles fly
To strike the sinner's chest
And an uppercut echo
Tries to prove he's the best
The sinner staggers
As his vision blurs
And the preacher screams
"You're our town's curse"
The sinner moves
So very fast
A fierce headbutt puts
The preacher on his ass

The preacher pleads
As he hits the muck
But the sinner just
Doesn't give a fuck
He stomps hard on
The preachers gut
As the preacher moans
"You filthy mutt"
The sinner drops down
And lifts his fist
As his silence
Shows he's pissed
He strikes quick
To the preacher's face
Refusing to hold
His mighty rage

He hits again
Just as fast
Determined to
Kick his ass
With one more blow
He's pulled away
So the preacher can live
Just another day
The preacher stands
And spits some blood
As the sinner is held
Back in the mud
The sinner fights
Back to his feet
In term of rage
He is elite

He flips the bird
And is on his way
As the preacher swears
He'll see the sinner pay
The sinner walks home
With his head held high
As the rain fell hard
From the dark gray sky
At home he sat
Outside in the rain
He looked to the heavens
His memory keeping him sane
The few words he said
He knew were the truth
Five words to speak his mind
"I did it for you"
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i love your lyrics for your girlfriend, Biz =) very sweet.
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah... I had read An's reply and didn't realize there was another one posted in the middle there.

Ok... very nice. I wonder if it went down like this or if this is a fantasy of how you felt it should have. Wink Either way this is a hilarious piece of dark humor drawn from the heart of real world experience and thus is brilliant!
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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

About the poem for your gf: I like the chorus, but the first and last stanzas hint of needyness.

Quote:
I know that i could never survive
Living without you
Because whenever we're apart
I start to come unglued


Now, if I were a female I'd be taken aback by this. But it depends on the relationship. Admitting that you are wholly dependent on your gf can make her feel uncomfortable if it is still an early stage in the relationship.
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In The Depths
I see her there
A taste of heaven, a glimpse of light
The one who lies in the depths
The depths of my memory, the depths of peace
And the depth's of the creator's jealousy

Eyes
A pair of bright brown eyes sit in from of me
in the the creamy milk sea that is her skin
An enticing stare brings me forth, dragging me forth from the depths
Of my own pain, shattering my mask of arrogance to reveal my true form
That form of self-loathing that hides in the depths of my core

Skin
Skin so silky smooth and so pale that it inspires
Jealousy and hatred in doves
Yet its thick to protectec her the the cold
The unforgiving, cruel, godd-forsaken cold
Of a harsh world that offers her no understanding

Hair
Thick flowing waterfalls of crimson waves
So rich and beautiful, the gods feel shame
Undying shame compared to her perfection
It shines, bouncing back light
enough light to blind the sun, eternally burning the atmosphere

Smile
Her lips, so delicate
Calm and filled with the color of a rose
it hurts to see that smile fall
Her smile is but
A crescent moon that rests calmly
On the small jaw of a goddess

Form
A body so small and frail, yet so
Powerful and full of the strength
Of an unholy angel
Enough strength to keep me
Kept me crawling on
Hanging by the last thread of my sanity
The one I loved from the depths of my soul
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 1:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This one tugs me in many directions of possible interpretation. For that, and for some of the very uniqeuly clever word usages, I greatly enjoyed this. It was also a clever exposure of the deeper regions of the emotional well - which is the hallmark of what makes your poetry resonate with me.
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fall For a Succubus
Down deep in the sea of dirty thieves
Lies a harlot who promises sweet relief
She'll clear the pain from your rotten mind
Give you peace that you wished to find
But your smile comes with a dire price
When she's done with you, she owns your life

She'll give you what you like
She'll give you what you want
Then she'll leave you all alone
And laugh just to taunt
In the day you'll have her love
The she'll fulfill your lust
You'll feel better for a little bit
When you fall for a succubus

She'll crawl deep in your minds cracks
Give you a chance to just relax
She'll let you live out whatever you need
But this underworld call-girl comes with a fee
For your single night of shame and sin
She'll leave her mark deep within

She'll give you what you like
She'll give you what you want
Then she'll leave you all alone
And laugh just to taunt
In the day you'll have her love
The she'll fulfill your lust
You'll feel better for a little bit
When you fall for a succubus

When she's gone, you'll lose your mind
Chasing her ever loving fucking high
You'll scream for her to come again
You'll fall to your knees, plead and then
You'll plead to God to hear your case
You'll sell your soul again to see her face

She'll be all that you want
She'll be all that you need
She'll sit in hell and laugh
At the new pain you feel
You'll try to feel as good
As in your night of lust
You lost your soul
When you fell for a succubus
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PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2011 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a rather inspiring poem to me - not only do I fully understand and recognize the feelings you're expressing - they take me back - but it also makes me think of a character I'm developing for a future tale.

One little crit, if I may, on a technical level:
Quote:
You'll plead to God to hear your case
You'll sell your soul again to see her face


Take out again and you have the same amount of syllables from one line to the next, which I felt, in reading it, would make it flow a lot better there. 'Again' may not be necessary anyhow, even though it adds another layer of consideration here that I'm sure you'd, as the author, agonize to release.
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe, TB getting into the nitty gritty of the poem. I see that my thread on the mechanics of poetry has sparked an interest in you.

I agree with TB that some parts could use some adjustment in the rhythm so as to flow without disturbances, but in terms of subject matter and delivery, I think this is one of your best poems to date (I have been reading, even if I don't comment every time). I enjoyed the sin and perdition, especially lines which employed metaphor (hurrah!):

Quote:
Down deep in the sea of dirty thieves
Lies a harlot who promises sweet relief


Quote:
She'll crawl deep in your minds cracks
Give you a chance to just relax

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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Biz Bit: A piece I wrote a long, long while ago. That is all necessary information.


Here I am
On my knees
Right where you left me
Can you hear
All my pleas
Show me what I can't see
Do you watch
Do you care
Can you say that you're proud
You're in all
My nightmares
That cause me to cry aloud

I can't stop screaming
Without you to silence me
I can't start healing
Until I know you forgive me
I was supposed to be your knight
In clear and shining armor
The thing that completes my fright
Is that I deserve my karma

Please help me
If you hear
Pull me out of my grave
You took away
All my fear
So I could feel somewhat saved
Don't leave me
All alone
Crumbling in my own despair
I'm stuck here
On your stone
You're gone now and it's not fair


I can't stop screaming
Without you to silence me
I can't start healing
Until I know you forgive me
I was supposed to be your knight
In clear and shining armor
The thing that completes my fright
Is that I deserve my karma
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoo... powerful powerful powerful words there B. Hits like a sledgehammer! You tore that one straight from the deep of the soul methinks.

My one crit on form (which was exquisite for the majority so far as I could see)
Quote:
Crumbling in my own despair

Take out 'own' and see what it does for the flow (read the stanza outloud both ways). It seemed to flow more in step without the 'own' to me - but I could be wrong, AND it appears to slightly interrupt the visual (chart style) appeal though so I'm not entirely sure its 'good' advice.
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this poem is blank (free) verse, so there's no real need for rhythm. But if there's no rhythm, there's gotta be something else of substance, such as metaphor. You had a couple of good lines:

Quote:
Pull me out of my grave


Quote:
Crumbling in my own despair
I'm stuck here
On your stone


These I liked. They were symbolic. But your other lines are a bit trite. You need to start thinking outside the box, especially with free verse.
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Free verse, yes, perhaps. But I saw some nice attention to the rythme in the rest of it so I saw enough of an attempt to create a nice flow that this one part sorta stood out.
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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2011 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Upon re-reading it, I believe you are right. There is some attention to rhythm, especially in the 3 syllable verses, and some others as well. But then it gets precarious as soon as there are more than 3 syllables. Sometimes he hits the mark, other times he doesn't. It's a bit haphazard.
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ode to the Executed
Tick tock the preacher man said
In five minutes you will be dead
You can't run nor can you hide
Tell me son are you scared to die
Tell me boy what you must confess
Because tomorrow they'll lay you to rest

You best repent, sinner man
Save your soul if you can
Pray until your voice is hoarse
You have a chance if you show remorse
So speak up, tough guy, cast off your sin
Run from your own made hell and the demon within

Tickity tock the guard man say
Follow me, the end is right this way
Make sure that you stay real close behind
Don't fear the crowd that's here to see you die
Up at the stage, your family has gathered near
So smile a small smile like you have nothing to fear

So follow along, sinner man
Enjoy the air while you can
March up to the wooden stage
Show the masses you're unafraid
I'm sorry is the lie you should tell
Before the masked man sends you to hell

Ding dong the clock tower chimes
As I think about all of my crimes
I rest my neck upon the bloody stump
As my friends gaze up at the condemned chump
The sun glints off a blade as it kisses the sky
Then it drops and in a split second I die

So clean your axe, executioner man
Tell yourself you've done the best you've can
Go on home and kiss your beautiful wife
Relish in the fact you've taken a sinner's life
Think long and hard and you will see
You're just a killer, just like me
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PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2011 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, true excellence Mr. B!

Can't pick hardly at all at the rythme here and the message is nice and pointedly delivered in the last verse like a punchline or a hacking axe on impact. And a good point to make at that!
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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I Am
I am the darkness
I am the thick black mud
That corruptly consumes your every thought
That seeps into the cracks of your porcelain psyche
And stains the self-righteous purity that you claim to love

I am the puppeteer
Tugging on your strings to move you forth
On the sordid little journey that you call your existence
The hand forced up through your ass to grab your vocal cords
And stifle weak insatiable mutterings that you can not help but to gush

I am the fire
That glows in the pit
Of your infernal gut every time
You gaze upon the vileness that is
Your own reflection, looking upon you just to laugh

I am the blood
That falls upon the tile
Like God's tears as he gazes
Upon all of his creations and realized how wrong he was
In giving life to those who would rather thrust it back in his face

I am the emptiness
That you feel as you stand
Upon your wooden pedestal, prepared
To give it a solid kick and change it into a stairway
Into an eternity, devoid of any contact from those who made you suffer

I am the guilt
Thrust upon those you leave behind
As they struggle to find an ounce of reason
Fumbling to come up with a single logical answer
Behind your fleeing escape into the eternity filled blackness

I am the madness
That crawls into those who remain
And wallow in the filth and puddles of self-pity
Telling themselves you're still beside them as you lie
In your darkened hole underneath the sole of the weeping

I am suicide
An act beyond all human greed
Selfishness that claims no equal as those
Who are blind enough to lose sight of any and all hope
Take the easy way out while their loved ones struggle to breathe on


Last edited by misterbiz on Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The shape of the stanzas reminds me of stairs. And here you confirm my impression:

Quote:
To give it a solid kick and change it into a stairway


The stairway, therefore, is symbolic of a descent into... hell? A descent into madness, selfishness, despair-- lower and lower we go until the stairs end, and then there is no choice but to leap.

Very nice.
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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2011 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The hand that is forced up through your ass to grab your vocal cords
And stifle insatiable mutterings that you can not help but to gush

this being the only place you interrupted that sequence D mentioned. I suggest simply removing 'that is' in the first of those two lines.

A very personal message you deliver here Mr.B. Powerful, as always, but this hits a little deeper than some. And I loved what D pointed out about it - I may have missed that neat aspect of this work.
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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Biz Bit: These are lyrics that I wrote about my already finished project entitled: The Sprinter Saga Part 1: Getting Lucky

Getting Lucky
Look in the mirror
Tell me what do you see
You're becoming the monster
I always knew you could be
So close your eyes, just give in
To your rage and your hate
You're a real sick motherfucker
Brother, I can relate

So take a deep breath and pray
For all those who get in our way
Apologize as you cut them down
Drop them fast, don't make a sound
Don't give them a chance to feel fright
Let that be their way of getting lucky tonight

Don't deny me, brother
You know this gives you a thrill
Nothing feels quite as good
As the bloody rush of the kill
Let me work through you
I promise you'll like what you see
Fall back into you darkness
And hand the reigns over to me

You and I will run through them all
Stack them up just to see them fall
Make them beg and make them plead
And we'll laugh as they cry and they bleed
Let them know how they lost this fight
And how no one will be getting lucky tonight

And in this ballet of bloodshed
Your destiny will arrive
As you collect an unholy toll
A life for another life
Look in your partner's eyes
Seal it with a bloody kiss
Then take all her breath away
And deprive her of her earthly bliss

So take a deep breath and pray
For all those who get in our way
Make them beg and make them plead
And we'll laugh as they cry and they bleed
The bloodshed will take us to brand new heights
And maybe by the end we'll be getting lucky tonight
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PostPosted: Fri May 27, 2011 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Having read the tale, I really like the interplay of all the various themology you're mixing about, along with a solid streak of suggestive innuendo. Excellently done, Bizzy!
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