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Alice- Chapter 8: Doctor's Details
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm afraid fighting is the only option when the orderlies show up. If you have enough time, it might be possible to find a way out, but I doubt it would happen. Plus, there's the problem of the others.

I say it's better just to wait for the orderlies and fight.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOOHOO new chappie!!

love the way you described his voice. having 3 different tones & all. made it very real....ish. haha!

ima say we try to find the others. there's strength in numbers right? close her eyes & point to a location on the map. decide where to go that way. haha!
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another nice chappie, Biz!


Found a couple of things that I particularly enjoyed...


Quote:
“Gonna leave the party early? Such a shame,” he said. His voice was strange and distorted. It sounded like it was composed of three different people speaking at the same time. The primary tone within it was deep and sounded just barely human. Mixed in along with it was a higher pitched voice that reminded her of a child as well as a voice that was a deep and vicious whisper. “I was so hoping you'd stay and join in the festivities. Guess I'll just have to play with your friends instead.”


I really liked this paragraph. Trying to imagine what his voice would sound like, with all three elements working in harmony together was an interesting challenge. Really cool idea, and well written too.

Quote:
He simply dissipated like salt in a glass of hot water.


This sentence really stood out for me. It's simple, but really effective. Very well done! Smile


Also loved the mention of possible characters to come, and their place at the hospital. Looking forward to seeing how a twisted version of the Queen of Hearts turns out. I'm thinking there's alot to work with there, in making her even more vile than the original character. Wink


A couple of things I noticed...

These first two are very similar...


Quote:
Alice spun around quick and watched as he faded to nothing. She swallowed as she watched the surreal experience.


The double use of watched is a little jarring, as it's already been stated that she's watching him, and, in fact, I think the flow would also benefit from the two sentences becoming one instead. Maybe something like...

Alice spun around quickly, and watched as he faced to nothing, swallowing as she tried to take in the surreal experience.


Quote:
Yet she could tell that it was. No matter how strange and terrifying it was.


Exactly the same thing again here. Double usage of 'it was' jars the flow, and would also sound better as one sentence. Something like...

Yet, no matter how strange and terrifying, she could tell that it was.

Neither are neccesity though, just an opinion. Smile


Quote:
The were professional looking.


They


Well for the dp, I'm with Alice. The Cat just said that the Orderlies are coming, and considering he wants them to die when they get here, I'm guessing they're not going to be pleasant characters. Wink Alice followed the map to one place and found a friend, lets try doing the same again, and getting the hell away from Oyster Cove while we're at it. The enemy may know the place better, but we don't have to sit and wait for them, and can certainly give them the run around. Possibly might find Christian on the way too, though I'm thinking probably not. Let's try...*ponders*...the Rabbit Hole.


Looking forward to the next one, Biz! Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now polling
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:52 pm    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

Oops! Tied it, sorry! I had to go with complete spontinaity! *Points* That-a-way!


This is still amazing me with the interesting corilations between the original tale and your world shift of it. I would love a bit more descriptivness of surroundings, as well as a little more personal feelings from Alice. For the most part, I see a lot of action, but her feelings seema little clipped like an afterthought.

The cat rules! He really kinda reminds me of the original PC videogame cheshire, but I little more testy Razz I can't wait to meet the Tweedles!


Keep on with the Amazing Biz-kun!
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 10:24 pm    Post subject: Chapter 6: Wonderland Reply with quote

“We're going,” Alice said. With one fluid motion, she pulled the map from her bra and unfolded it. She looked at all the circled locations, trying to pick on on the fly. As she looked at the paper, she could almost sense something very big and very angry coming in their direction. Something that she knew neither her or Wally would be able to take on. She managed to contain the sudden urge to panic, closed her eyes and raised one hand above the map.

“What are you doing?” Wally asked.

“Deciding on where to go.”

“Blind?” he asked, his voice filled with confusion and terror. Alice took a deep breath, winced and dropped a single finger down onto the map. As soon as her finger made contact, a small snapping sound sounded from beneath their feet. She quickly opened her eyes and looked at Wally. His eyes were wide open and swimming in fear.

Together, they looked down as another sound came from the ground. Before either of them could truly contemplate moving, the ground beneath them opened up like a trap door, sending both of them into a descent of pitch black nothingness. As she fell, Alice could barely make out she The Cat's laughter echoing around her. It started as a quiet giggle but grew louder and louder as she tumbled through the blackness.

The laughter continued to grow until it was a vicious roar of laughter that sent shockwave after shockwave of panic throughout her. She clasped her hands over her ears and closed her eyes in a vain attempt to block out the hideous cackle. It did no good though. The laughter was loud enough to blare through her fingers. It seeped into her from all directions. It went on for what seemed like a brutal eternity. A small tear flowed from her eye as she pressed her hands tight to her skull. Her ears were in pain and it felt like she was crushing her own skull, but there was no stopping the Cat's tortuous tones.

“Shut up,” she pleaded with the disembodied howling.

“Not in your lifetime, bitch,” the voice growled before cracking up once more.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” she screamed. “Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...”

She screamed for what felt like hours until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped up and spun, raising a fist to attack whoever had touched her.

“Woah, Alice,” Wally said, backing up a step. “It's just me.”

Alice let out a sigh of relief and gave Wally a hug. As she pulled back, she gazed around at her surroundings, trying to figure out where they landed. Both of them were standing in a pile of sand, the map sitting a couple feet away. It took a minute for her to truly realize where they were. They had landed outside of the building. She grabbed the map and looked at it. All the circled locations were gone and the only different marking on it was a fingerprint near the exit. She folded up the map, tucked it away and then turned toward the main gate.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I wanna check the van for something,” Alice said as she marched through the cold gray. There was a light mist that hung in the air around her. It wasn't enough to make her lost but there was enough fog that she could not see her destination at the end of the way. She moved slowly down the path to the main gate and froze as she reached it. The front gate was no longer able to be opened. Instead the steel rods that had once made up the open entrance was a twisted mess of barbed wire and iron.

Wire and iron twisted together and blended in exquisite horror. She moved close to the mangled mess and peered beyond it. Then the gravity of her situation finally rested upon her. Beyond the gate, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. No people, no cars. No van. not even a single piece of earth lay beyond it. Instead, it was just gray.

She spun and her eyes landed squarely on the large stone sign. Another startling realization hit her, one that nearly brought her to her knees in a cliched motion that she had seen countless times in horror movies, when the hero or heroine had finally reached their most desperate. She was no longer at the CHARLES CARROL INSTITUTION FOR THE MENTALLY ILL. The stone sign now bore a single word. One solitary word that appeared to have been carved into it.

WONDERLAND.

Her eyes drifted over to Wally who was slowly approaching her.. He stood beside her and looked to the gate then to the sign. She could see that he was starting to panic himself but was doing his best to hold it in. Trying to be strong for once. The way she had always been.

“Well, Alice, another fine jam you've gotten me into,” he said with a forced chuckle.

Alice made herself smile as she looked at him. “Yeah. Sorry. It can't be as bad as that Oyster Buffet I took you to last year.”

“You mean the one that made me sick for like a week and had me practically shitting out my innards? Yeah. This is a little better than that. I don't have to shit now.”

Alice let out a small giggle and turned to look at the gate again. Amongst the clumsy chaos, she could almost make out a design. She tilted her head slightly as she studied it. After a couple of minutes, she finally saw it. It was hidden subtlety there but in the wire and iron, she could barely make out a message.

WARN WALLY. TURN AROUND.

She tilted her head and did some squinting to make sure her eyes weren't fooling her before turning to tell Wally about the warning. He wasn't standing in the spot where he had been. She took a couple steps forward and looked around, he was off in the middle of the opening, poking through the pile of sand that now sat in the courtyard.

“Hey, Wally, check this out,” she called. He stood and started toward her but before he made it halfway, she saw something. A figure mas moving in the mist behind him. It was moving a high speed and she knew that something was definitely wrong. “Wait, Wally, turn around.”

He stopped quick and as he turned to see what she was screaming about, a figure hit Wally in the skull with something, causing him to stumble several steps. The mist surrounded the figure and made it seem like nothing but a shadow. Like it was protecting its identity. The mystery figure moved up on Wally again and struck him again, this time in the gut. He doubled over and spit out something that appeared to be blood.

Alice raced forward as she saw the shadow deliver another clubbing blow to Wally and send him to the ground. Once she was a couple yards away, she skidded to a halt as the attacker's identity became clear. She could see through the mist and the image before her filled her with the type of panic she had never felt before. The fear had completely paralyzed her. It was Christian.

In his hand, he was wielding a bloody hammer. He was slightly different just as she and Wally were. He was wearing set of brown leather bib overalls over top a long sleeved, navy blue shirt. His short, wavy brown hair sat in an unkempt mess on top of his head. Over his eyes were his trademark goggles that were now sporting a couple cracks.

An inhuman smile came upon his lips as he stared down at the barely moving Wally. With slow, precise motions, he dropped down and laughed in Wally's face. His laugh was cold and evil and filled with the type of soul shattering maliciousness that should not be contained in her friend.

“Die, fucker, die,” Christian roared as he raised the hammer and brought it down onto Wally's skull. The panic within her was now screaming at her to run, to fight, to do anything to survive. The thought of moving and running finally popped into her skull and she knew she had to obey. She watched in terror as Christian stood, raised the hammer and brought it down onto Wally's chest.

She wanted to believe that her friend was in there somewhere, but the sight of carnage before her said otherwise. The way Christian beat his best friend of over a decade with a blunt instrument told her that something was wrong with him. This place got to him. She took a deep breath as she made up her mind and prepared to act.

******************

What does she do? Try and talk him down? Maybe the old him is still in there? Fight him in order to put the bad dog down? Simply run? But where would she go to? This decision is completely up to you...
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz!


Fab new chappie! Wally's death (I'm assuming that he is dead or soon will be anyway) at the end was graphic and pretty damn horrible, it has to be said, which is what one comes to expect from a story of this nature, so very well done. And now Alice has the knowledge that she not only has to worry about the enemies residing inside the newly renamed Wonderland, but also about her friends turning on her too. Yikes!


Found a couple of things...


Quote:
As she fell, Alice could barely make out she The Cat's laughter echoing around her.


This doesn't fit in with the rest of the sentence.

Quote:
The laughter continued to grow until it was a vicious roar of laughter that sent shockwave after shockwave of panic throughout her.


The double usage of 'laughter' is a little jarring. The first could be replaced with 'sound' easily, and, as the word has also been used in close proximatey another couple of times before and after, I think it would also sound better if the second was also replaced by another word, such as chortling, guffawing, or chuckling, though the latter seems a little tame for the kind of laughter you're describing, so maybe not. But anyway, you get my meaning. Wink

Quote:
Beyond the gate, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. No people, no cars. No van. not even a single piece of earth lay beyond it. Instead, it was just gray.


Same again here, double usage in close proximatey. Either can be easily changed to 'on the other side' though.


For the dp... I have to say, though she probably should run, I'm not all the keen for her to. Besides, if she did, he could just appear again at any moment, and take her unawares, and she'd be none the wiser as to how to deal with it. I'm going to say, given the shock I'm assuming she's feeling atm, she screams at Christian to stop, and see how he reacts. If he speaks to her, it might give an insight into just how deranged he is, and how firm a grip the madness of Wonderland has on him.


Great edition to the story, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:14 am    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

Vonderful! I love it, very well done. I was cackling along with Christain at the end, but I'm insane so that's ok, right? *Giggles* Anyway, good job.


I did notice a few spelling things, but I think Tikanni-chan took care of them. Besides that, it's very well put together.


I love how she pointed at the exit and *Poof* that's all she had to do to get outside. I mean, how long has she wanted out, then huzza! She's out. Razz Silly Wally, wandering out on his own. He's like the blonde chick from horror films! *Grin* Love the pounding, very simple, but effective.


DP....DP.....Grab the hammer, and kick him in the nads. Sorry, my violent streak is showing *Hides* Yeah, stop him, but make sure to get your hands on that hammer.


Another fine adition Master of Darkness, and I can't wait to see more! *Waits impatiently*
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The old Christion may still be in there, but he's not in control now. Friend or not, you have to kick the hammer from his hand and possibly use it to incopasitate him. If you don't do this, Wally dies, that's it.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now Polling
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:38 pm    Post subject: Post Reply with quote

Um, Biz-kun, they are both the same option. . . . .
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fixed...some reason it changed one of the options to match...dunno why...god damn
technology

EDIT: OK...double won't go away...i repeat...goddamn technology
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Christian raised the hammer once more and brought it crashing down onto Wally's skull again. Acting fast, Alice dashed forward and collided hard with him. Though they had played rough and wrestled time and time before, something was different now. Christian felt somewhat heavier. It was like running headlong into a minivan.

"Move, bitch," he chuckled before grabbing Alice by the hair and tossing her to the side. As she landed with a thud, she was sure which part of the experience was more painful. The collision, the yank at her hair or landing on the concrete. Barely managing to lift her head in time, she noticed that Christian was getting ready to strike once again.

Pushing herself up , she managed to throw herself close him, allowing her to reach up and sink her teeth into his leg. He let out a yelp of pain and shot a glare at her. It was then that she could tell that something was really wrong. Christian's irises had became red. Red as the blood that poured onto the concrete from Wally's skull.

He let out a wild untamed shriek and swung the hammer down at Alice's head. In sheer desperation, she rolled out the way. He snarled and turned to fully face her.

"I'm gonna fucking end you, you worthless wretch," Christian shouted as he raised the hammer up.

Acting on pure instinct, she threw a single punch up at him. It caught him in the groin and he immediately dropped the weapon as he clutched at his twig and berries. He let out a howl of pain as he dropped to his knees. Alice quickly rose up and simply watched as he howled in pain.

It was as if he was being tortured. She moved close and slowly dropped to pick up the hammer. Without taking her eyes from him, she rose with the hammer in her hand.

Christian continued to howl for another couple minutes while Alice moved to Wally and felt for a pulse. Nothing. He was gone. As tears started to form in her eyes over the brutal slaying of her friend, she noticed that the howling had stopped. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw the man in the top hat standing in between the two tall men who appeared to be made of nothing but muscle. She recognized all of them from their pictures in the hallway. The Warden and his two henchmen.

Each one of the identical goons was wearing a nametag though she couldn't quite make out what they said. Slowly standing, she kept hold of the hammer. Turning to completely face them, the first thing she noticed was the cat. The blood red, smiling cat was perched on the warden's shoulder like a parrot. Glancing at the three of them, she became quite nervous. Finally moving her gaze to Christian, she saw that he was leaning against the wardens's legs. Unconscious.

"What did you do to him?" she asked. "Why did he go crazy? Why is he out cold? Who are you?"

"Nothing," the goons stated at exactly the same time. "We did nothing."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Such language, Ms. Liddle," the cat said. "Are you sure she is the guest of honor you want, Warden?

The Warden nodded as he stared down at the unconscious form of Christian, his face still hidden. "Dee. Dum. Please escort Christian to the party and Alice, you look hungry," he said after a small pause, his twisted voice chilling her to the bone. "Please have a bite to eat. I insist."

Alice opened her mouth to speak but as soon as she did a bright light flashed in front of her. She covered her eyes and almost immediately, it dissipated. Uncovering them she found herself standing in what appeared to be the cafeteria. Her eyes darted around the room, more fear pouring into her psyche. Looking down she saw that she was standing next to the stack of trays in front of a long row of food.

Eyeing the food, she suddenly realized that she was hungry. Really hungry. She felt like she was starving. Then the idea came to her that she had no idea how long she'd been here. She started to place one hand on a tray when a male voice suddenly came from behind her.

"No, that's how they get you. You let your guard down and the crazy takes over."

Turning suddenly she stepped back as she saw another person from the hallway. The bucked-tooth, blonde doctor. Dr. O'Hare. His glasses were cracked and he was no longer smiling. He looked terrified and slightly deranged. He was dressed in a brown suit that was stained and torn. As she looked at him up and down, trying to decide whether to trust him or not she noticed that all the fingers on his left had been removed at the knuckle.

"You have to come with me," he said. "Before they find you again. You're life depends on it."

"Why, why, why should I trust you?" she asked.

"You shouldn't," he stated. "I don't even trust me but what're you gonna do."

As he stopped speaking, he quickly looked around as the sound of static started floating through the air. Alice heard it too. It was faint and reminded her of summers as a child listening to her grandfather's records.

"We have to move. He's coming."

"Who?"

"Chesire. The grinning cat. I know you've seen him. He always like to appear. Freak you out. Now let's go."

He spun on his heels and raced for the cafeteria entrance. Alice started to follow but stopped short. "What about the food?"

"What food?" he called back.

Turning around she noticed that every ounce of food that had existed on the long counter had completed disappeared. She closed her eyes tightly and took long deep breaths. It was starting to become a bit much. Every sudden change in reality chipped away at her bravery and sanity. It had to be a dream. It had to.

"Come on," the doctor's voice shouted at her from down the hall. She opened her eyes, turned and started to follow.

As she stepped into the hallway, she turned her head to the left and saw the doctor halfway down, he gestured for her to follow before pivoting again and sprinting away. As Alice, looked in the opposite direction, her eyes widened. Bill was standing there. His usual pure white clothes were gone and instead swapped with a navy blue suit and crimson vest. His skin though looked unusually pale. He smirked, turned and disappeared down another hallway.

She stepped out in the hallway and looked in both directions, struggling to decide which way to go. Follow the friend or the stranger. Why hadn't the strange doctor invite Bill? Had he even seen him?

For a couple minutes she just stood in the hallway confused.

*******************

What to do? Who to follow? Who to trust? The decision is up to you?
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the idea of following O'Hare...it appears that they're turning our friends against us, so I'd say go with the one who just saved us from letting our guard down.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz! Smile


Another much enjoyed chapter, and a fine edition to this growing tale. And sorry I took longer to get to it than I said I would. I got caught up painting and stuff over the last few days and just kinda forgot. But better late than never. Wink

I'm really liking the character of O'Hare. His nervous way is a contrast to the others that have appeared so far, though one is still suspicious that he might end up changing at some point. I look forward to finding out.

Found a couple of things...


Quote:
He let out a howl of pain as he dropped to his knees. Alice quickly rose up and simply watched as he howled in pain.


Double usage of 'howl/ed in pain' is a bit jarring. Maybe change it to groaned or, if it needs to have more oomph, screeched or screamed?

Quote:
Turning to completely face them, the first thing she noticed was the cat. The blood red, smiling cat was perched on the warden's shoulder like a parrot. Glancing at the three of them, she became quite nervous.


Firstly, the word cat is used too close together. Maybe change the second one to 'feline' or something to smooth out the flow.

Secondly, with the edition of the cat, there are four of them. But if Alice is focus on the three human-like beings, then 'other' could be added before the 'three' as the prior sentence is all about the cat, so it would make sense.


I have one more quote, and it's not a mistake as such, but more something that just struck me as I was reading...


Quote:
"Move, bitch," he chuckled before grabbing Alice by the hair and tossing her to the side. As she landed with a thud, she was sure which part of the experience was more painful. The collision, the yank at her hair or landing on the concrete. Barely managing to lift her head in time, she noticed that Christian was getting ready to strike once again. 


I don't really know why, but as I was reading this specific paragraph, I felt that there could've been a little more embellishment. There's a lot going on in those four lines, and I really do think that it would benefit from there being just a little more description. Maybe Alice actually reacting to being thrown through the air, rather than just describing how she felt afterwards, or how Christian is about to strike. His stance and manner and whatnot, you know? Anyway, it's just something that popped into my head whilst reading. Smile


Okies, for the dp, I'm with Andi. Follow O'Hare and see where it takes us. Though there's every chance that he might be evil, considering what happened to Christian, I'd say there's a good chance of him being evil too, and he did seem to be trying to lead her away.

So, follow O'Hare!


Looking forward to the next installment, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, In the book it was always a good idea to follow the cat.. Seems here in this story its best to do the opposite. With that in mind, I am positive that I would follow the doctor. However, I would be wary.. As wasn't it this same doctor and woman that tortured Jack in the begining of the story?
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alice looked around the hallway for only a couple more seconds before trotting to catch up with O'Hare. Reaching him, she found herself a bit out of breath. He had gotten farther away than she thought or perhaps it was the hallway. A day ago she would have considered the idea simply preposterous but she wasn't so sure anymore.

“What is this place?” she asked. “I mean, it looks like the asylum me and my friends came into but, its just not right.”

The doctor said nothing for a couple minutes before actually acknowledging her existence. “Nice of you to catch up. Now do you want the detailed explanation or the simple one?”

“Detailed. I think.”

“The anarchistic delusions of a paranoid and persecuted adolescent.”

“Let's try the simpler version.”

O'Hare smiled as he glanced in her direction. “You're in hell, toots.”

Alice looked away from him and focused on the hallway. Glancing around, it didn't really appear as if they had moved at all. Yet they had to have moved. She could feel it in the way her legs ached. She was still out of breath, even. After a long while, the doctor turned and strolled through a doorway that she could have sworn, she just saw materialize in front of her.

As she crossed the doorway, she heard the sound of stone grinding on stone behind her. A shiver went up her spine at the sound. It was loud. Too loud. Like almost every audible noise that resonated through the halls. With all of her might, she resisted the temptation to look behind her, knowing that the doorway would be sealed. A little bit of fear bubbled up in her as she realized that she was no trapped in a room with no doors, no windows, and no escape of any kind with a complete stranger.

Looking around her, she saw that the walls were covered with scribblings. The same sentence over and over again. Some of them were perfectly legible while others were written in a haste. Looking closer to one on the wall to her left, she noticed that most of them appeared to be written in blood. Mesmerized by the deranged writings, she followed them around the room. After a minute, she started trying to find any difference in them. Any different words or mistakes. But there was none, just the exact same question, one after the other.

How is a raven like a writing desk?

After making her way half-way across the room and seeing no differing in the words or any answer place anywhere to the question, she turned and stared at the doctor who was already meeting her gaze.

“What's the answer?”

“Don't know. Jackie never told me. Gave me the riddle to torture me and then went quiet.”

“Jackie?” she asked. A small lightbulb went off in her skull. “You mean Jack Hart?”

As soon as the words passed from her lips, O'Hare ran forward and placed his hand over her mouth. “No. Never say that name. He knows when it is uttered and it makes him mad. If you ever wanna live, you must never make Jackie angry. If you ever want a shot at getting out of here, you never mutter his name. Either call him Jackie or Hatter.”

Staring into his eyes, she could see a sense of urgency and desparation. She could feel the terror that surged within them. He had been here a long time ans she could see that his survival within this place had taken its toll on him. He was no longer the smiling doctor from his picture. Something was missing. She didn't know him well enough to hazard a guess. She could just tell.

He lowered his hand and strolled into a corner. He sat down on the floor as there was an apparent lack of chairs and stared at the floor. Looking at the poor man in his brown suit with his missing fingers. A realization dawned that if she didn't listen to him, she may be in the same position another decade in the future. Moving slowly to him, as not to startle him any more, she lowered herself and sat on her knees next to him.

“Tell me how you ended up here. What happened to Jackie, and you and everybody?”

He swallowed hard and glanced into her eyes. “He wasn't a bad kid. He was just a little different. And because of that his mother placed him in here, well, the institution when he was just a kid, couldn't be more than twelve. Determined to make him a perfect little drone. Take away that unique little spark in his heart. Sent him to me for therapy, hoping I could find out what was wrong.”

“Wait, what do you mean different?”

“He wasn't like other boys. He was more of an intellectual. He liked to study the clothes of others, primarily headgear. He was actually fond of having little tea parties. That is what really set his bitch of a mother off. Yet, I indulged him. We would have tea in my office. Just him, me, this stuffed cat he found in a trash can and a little doormouse he kept in his pocket. His mother found out and so she turned him over to the alternative medicines in the building. Mainly the electroshock Then one day, it was his fifteenth birthday actually, he vanished. He just up and went away.”

O'Hare paused for a moment and smiled a bit, though it seemed somewhat sad in origin. Something that Alice found a little odd. “I was actually happy when he disappeared. Because he would finally be free of the torture and persecution. But others disappeared. Patients. Orderlies. Doctors. They would end up in the hallway with his room and then nothing. This went on for about three months and then as I was in the hallway one night, I heard something. His voice coming from the room. I looked in and I saw him. In that mirror that was in his room. He was just inside it. Not the room, just the mirror. He called to me, I walked over to him and then I was here.”

He gestured around the room for a moment and Alice noticed that tears were forming lightly in his eyes.

“It was good at first but he changed. I don't know whether it was the institution or this place or both but he changed. He became bitter, angry and deranged. He found pleasure in seeing others suffer, at watching them destroy themselves. That's what this place does, in the long run. It makes you destroy yourself.”

Alice tilted her head to the side and glanced around the room. “But how?” she asked. “I mean, how does this place change and move and affect people. I just saw one of my friends beat his brother's head in with a hammer.”

“I don't know exactly. Its like this place feeds off of everybody's own little personal problems. Feeds off your own little madness and enhances it. It makes it grow within you until you break.”

As he spoke, a small thought popped in her head. It nibbled at the back of her gray matter. How was he still alive. Not only had he barely aged but if this odd place did as he said, then he should have destroyed himself long ago. Yet here he was, still kicking. It was obvious that he was struggling and not all there. He was either extremely strong or really lucky.

“How are you still alive?” she blurted out, only realizing that she did indeed speak until he placed a hand upon hers. A small smile crossed his face but before he could speak, the room started to shake and the concrete on each side of them started to crack. His smile vanished and he looked around wildly, like a small animal about to be devoured by a predator.

“Tell you later, if I live through this one,” he said. He snapped his fingers and suddenly a rope ladder descended between them. “Go. Get to the greenhouse or find the library. Both places should be safe and one of your comrades should be in one of them. Can't tell which. Just go.”

Alice just stared at him. The last time the earth shook, the twin orderlies arrived. Surely, O'Hare couldn't survive an encounter with them. “I can't leave you.”

“Get the fuck out of here, dollface. Just go and remember something when you meet up with your pals,” he barked. The room shook more violently. Cracks grew wider. The words on the walls slowly started to disappear.

“What?”

“Lie. Whatever you do, lie to them. Never tell them the truth here. Trust no one. Lie, cheat, steal. That is how you can survive. Now go.”

Alice started to climb but stopped. She was unsure whether or not to finish and leave O'Hare behind, let alone where she could run to. She could try to bring him with or she could stay and fight. She could trust him and head to a location he said or to go somewhere completely different. Her time was running out and she knew it. She was halfway up and had to make a choice.

**********************

Ok...What does our heroin do? Listen? Save the Doc? Where to go? The decision is yours.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz


Loving the new chappie! And really liking O'Hare as well. Hoping we'll be seeing more of the character, as he's rather interesting. Also enjoying the actual Alice in Wonderland elements that are being pulled into the tale as we go along. 'How is a raven like a writing desk?' and the like. Part of the traditional Alice stories but also fit in with your current, modern day twist and the genre.

Also liking the info we've been given about the Hatter and his past. It does make one feel sorry for him, given what he went through when he was at the asylum and for nothing. From the realisation that he was one a very nice, friendly boy, one would think that there might be a possibility to make him return to being such. But this is a Horror tale, after all, and could go any way really. Wink But the possibilities are intriguing.


Found a few of minor typos and such...


Quote:
A little bit of fear bubbled up in her as she realized that she was no trapped in a room with no doors, no windows, and no escape of any kind with a complete stranger.


Now?

Quote:
Staring into his eyes, she could see a sense of urgency and desparation.


Desperation

Quote:
He had been here a long time ans she could see that his survival within this place had taken its toll on him.


And.

Quote:
He lowered his hand and strolled into a corner. He sat down on the floor as there was an apparent lack of chairs and stared at the floor. Looking at the poor man in his brown suit with his missing fingers. A realization dawned that if she didn't listen to him, she may be in the same position another decade in the future. Moving slowly to him, as not to startle him any more, she lowered herself and sat on her knees next to him.


There are a couple of things in this paragraph. Firstly, the parts in red mark the double usage of 'floor' in one sentence. Either one being changed to 'ground' or something similar would work, or the second one could be changed to a description of the floor. Say it was a black and white chequered floor, you could say

He sat down on the floor, as there was an apparent lack of chairs, and stared down at the black and white patterning beneath him.

The part marked in green read like they should be one sentence.


Quote:
They would end up in the hallway with his room and then nothing.


The 'with' part doesn't sound quite right to me, though I actually can't quite make it out. Though I am thinking maybe it could be changed to 'outside' and it would flow a little better.

Quote:
If you ever want a shot at getting out of here, you never mutter his name.


This isn't a mistake or typo, this is just an observation that you can take into consideration or not. I think that the sentence here would benefit from having 'even' added before mutter. Unlike the other two words for speech used in the paragraph, 'say' and 'utter', which can both generally describe all forms of speech, 'mutter' isn't quite the same. It's also describing a way of speaking, in that a mutter is generally quiet and uttered under one's breath and not openly. The kind of thing that one does when one is annoyed with another person but doesn't wish to voice it, so you just mutter about it to yourself.

Adding that 'even' in there would actually add a new air of urgency to the warning. 'Do not even mutter his name because he'll still know no matter how quietly you do so'. The thought just adds an extra chill. Just something to think about anyway. Smile


For the DP...Alice should do as O'Hare says. Both of them stand a better chance if she does so. He's been there for a long time and is more savvy as to how to deal with the situations that may occur. And chances are, if what he said about mentioning Jack Hart's real name, the orderlies are going to be coming for Alice anyway. Get up the ladded, leave O'Hare to deal with what comes and hopefully he'll be able to use his retained wits to get out of it. And when she does so, get to the...*ponders*...greenhouse, I think. I'm trying to figure what part of the traditional Alice world could be in each place and I find myself most intrigued by the possibilities that come with that one. Wink


Much enjoyed, Biz! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2012 10:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love it Love it Love it, Biz!! And I'm LOOOOVING O'Hare...so don't kill him off. *Brandishes Mayoressly finger at you* haha!

For the DP, as much as I hate to leave him there alone, I think Tika's right. He'll do better without having to defend us. let's head to the Greenhouse.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, wow....I just read thrugh all of that and then wondered "Wait...where's the next chapter.?"

Well done and very captivating.

Personally, I like o'hare. His sacrificial ambitions are noble and I respect that, but part of me wants to reach my hand out to him.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A horrific, psychotic twist to Alice in Wonderland? I'm in! Very Happy

This story is phenomenal. I love the references to the original works by Lewis Carrol, and how you change those familiarities into something new by warping the characters/their personalities/the setting. I also like how the chapters are shorter. The breaks really keep the suspense going.

I say Alice keeps climbing. O'Hare has survived this long on his own, so it is a pretty safe assumption that he can make it once again. I'm intrigued by what areas from the original stories the library/greenhouse represent, though I can take a few guesses. Wink

Keep it up, Biz! This is great!
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:42 am    Post subject: I Think. . . . . . Reply with quote

And all caught up! An excilent read, and the perfect thing to follow reading KtD. *Grin* Anyways, this still continues to be one of my all time fav IF stories. The true hysteria comes through with amazing detail.



DP. . . .Egress! Flee! He's survived thus far, so I'm sure he can keep on doing so! But not with you around. *Grin*


So, more chappies please!
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