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Fading Immortality

 
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misterbiz
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 9:43 pm    Post subject: Fading Immortality Reply with quote

BizAndy Bit: Yes. You read that right...no your eyes aren't deceiving you. It says BizAndy...that is because the Mr. Biz, the Master of Darkness has teamed up with Andolyn, The Sunshine Princess, to bring you this wicked collaboration.

"WICKED??" says Andy, "I thought we were going for a more...i dont know...sunny? outlook?...for this?"

Yes...in some parts maybe...and maybe there will be less mayhem and destruction but...wait...wait...I meant wicked as in cool, stellar, awesome or amazing...just like us.

"Ah! right...then...Wicked it is!!! Very Happy "

Anywho, No dp for the prologue as is standard. So sit back and enjoy Mr. Biz's first real attempt at the fantasy genre...ever!


A wolf bayed at the moon on a hillside near where the manor in which Declan sat, scouring through an ancient text that he had read a dozen times before. Though he could almost recite the entire thing by heart in several different languages and even more dialects, he still focused on it intently. His eyes moved carefully over each word as if missing a single one would bring about some awful fate; as if the Wolf that sat outside serenading the full moon would leap through the window and tear him apart.

As the wolf let out another loud and stretched howl, a pair of hands crept up his back and over his shoulders, causing Declan to jump slightly. A small chuckle passed through his lips at the action and he looked over his shoulder at the young woman who stood there.

"You've been looking at that thing for hours," she said, brushing a strand of Declan's oily black hair out of his face. "Why don't you put that silly book up and come to bed with me?"

He let out a soft sigh and gently grabbed hold of her hand. "You know I would love to, Kyrene. But alas, I must find the right passage. I have a client in the village who says they are in dire need of my services."

"Leave them for now, Declan," she said. "They can wait until the morning. I'm in need of your services at the moment."

Declan smiled and rose from his chair before turning and wrapping his arms around her. "Really, now?" he said as a devilish grin appeared on his face. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips. She gave him a nod in return and wrapped her arms around him. Placing her head on his chest, she gave him a small, loving squeeze.

"You've been ignoring me, here of late," she said softly.

He smiled tenderly and held her close, rubbing her back gently. "I know, Ky, but it is the nature of my work. Late nights. Early Mornings. The occasional midday. It seems like lately everybody is asking for my assistance."

"Yes but I think that maybe you should take a break. We should get away from the village for a while. Away from your work. Just you and me, camping out in the forest."

Declan thought for a brief moment before smiling. He gently pushed her back and gazed into her eyes once more. "Lake Destiny. Tomorrow, after I do my duties, you and I will pack up our tent and bedroll and ride up to Lake Destiny. It'll just be us and the water."

She smiled ecstatically and jumped for joy. Without warning, she reached up, grabbing hold of his cheeks and easily pulled his head down, kissing him deeply. "Thank you, Declan. We haven't been to the lake in ages."

"Hence the suggestion," he said. "Now, why don't you go ahead and get ready for bed. I will quickly find the passage and then join you."

She nodded and kissed him once more before hesitantly walking away and up a set of stairs to their bedchambers. He watched her leave and smiled before sitting back down and looking once again at his book. He found the exact spot he had been reading before and continued onward. After fervently studying several pages, he found the proper one. He looked over the page before closing it and rising from his chair with the book in hand.

He moved across his home cautiously, his eyes and ears at full alert. Something about finishing with this book always set him on edge. He knew it was foolish. No one would disturb him in his manor. Yet, the privacy of his matters was extremely important, and he knew it. Mishandling even the smallest job would end in terrible disaster.

As he entered the foyer, Declan looked around before kneeling down and pulling up a couple of the floorboards. He placed the book under them, replaced the boards, and rose. Outside, he heard the wolf let out another solitary howl. In the back of his mind he felt a small trickle of unease at the sound. It felt like the wolf was sending out a warning, signaling him that all was not well. He shook his head at his own foolishness and moved back to his desk where he blew out the candle by which he'd been reading.

The full moon outside cast in enough light to allow him to move to his stairs and up them without any difficulty. He strode into his bedchamber where he slipped from his clothes and slid into bed beside his wife. He placed a small kiss upon her cheek as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Find what you need, love?"

"As always, dear."

She rolled over in his arms and buried her face into his chest. "Good," she said as she placed a small kiss on his sternum. She returned his embrace and let out a happy sigh.

In silence, Declan held his lover close and listened as the wolf started to let out another howl before it was suddenly cut off. Fear continued to trickle in the back of his mind. The wolf's sudden stop seemed strange for some reason. He shook the thought away, telling himself that it was just a larger carnivore or a late night hunter. With that, he closed his eyes and fell into a slumber, telling himself that all would be well.
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Last edited by misterbiz on Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:48 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*commenting just to get the email notifications*

this is super fun!! can't wait to really get the ball rolling on it!!
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Tikanni Corazon
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andi and Biz!

This is a good start to your new collaborated SG! I have to say, I'm rather intrigued as to Declan's line of business. What could he possibly do that would need that much secrecy? *ponders* I look forward to finding out.

I have a couple of things here...


Quote:
A wolf bayed at the moon on a hillside near where the manor in which Declan sat, scouring through an ancient text that he had read a dozen times before.


I don't think this 'where' really belongs here. The sentence sounds alot better without it.

Quote:
She nodded and kissed him once more before hesitantly walking away and up a set of stairs to their bedchambers. He watched her leave and smiled before sitting back down and looking once again at his book. He found the exact spot he had been reading before and continued onward. After fervently studying several pages, he found the proper one. He looked over the page before closing it and rising from his chair with the book in hand.


Okay. as I've highlighted, in this paragraph alone, the word 'before' is used four times. It's a bit jarring, and I think quite easily rewritten to not include them. *braces myself* Let's give it a go to show you what I mean...

She nodded, and kissed him once more, before hesitantly walking away, and climbing the set of stairs to their bedchambers. He watched her leave, and smiled, as he sat back down and took up his book once again. He flicked through, recovered his page, and continued onward. After feverently studying several pages, he eventually found the proper one, and looked over the contents. When he was done, he closed it, and rose from the chair, book in hand.

Okay, it took a bit of rearranging, and I'm sure it could be bettered, but I managed to get rid of three of the before's, leaving just the one in the first line. This of course, is not necessity, as the paragraph makes perfect sense anyway. This kind of thing is just to smooth out the flow of the words. But, it is just my opinion and you're free to ignore. Wink



Quote:
In silence, Declan held his lover close and listened as the wolf started to let out another howl before it was suddenly cut off.


This one is another opinion based one, so again, feel completely free to ignore, as there's nothing wrong with it in the slightest. But I think this sentence could be developed to give slightly more tension to the situation. It's clear that Declan is nervous about it, regardless of the fact that he tries to fob it off as something else. I think the best way to do that would be to cut off the sentence after 'howl', and develop the other half into something that gives a little more oomph to the howl being cut off, and makes one really feel the tension that Declan feels. Like I said, not necessity at all. Just giving a few pointers. Smile


Good job guys! Keep up the good work! Smile

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Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I know I haven't been quite active here for the last week or so, but that's because my school reopened and I am being overburdened with work. But anyway...

EPIC is all I can say. It really is intriguing, because I want to know what Declan does, why it needs so much secrecy, where he is and for what. The wolf adds a lot to the story, and I like those bits.

Greatt work so far, both of you! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks, Tika and Vi!! i'm really excited to get this one rolling. =)

also...because shamelessness is acceptable in one's own thread...Vishal! there's a new LoK up as well. XD
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amazing Very Happy

I love this and Im really intrigued and am wondering what happens next.. and of course, the "secrecy" of Declan's work makes it interesting.. Keep it up guys Very Happy
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 2:04 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1: Awakening Reply with quote

The light was blinding to Declan’s eyes. It was strange…dancing…as though he was viewing it through…water. Declan was under water. Confused, he scanned his surroundings. Everything around him was tinted with a light shade of blue. Sunlight from the world above was dancing through the trees in brilliant rays that cascaded all around him, reflecting off broken bottles and fishing hooks.

How had he come to be here, he wondered, and how long had he been here? Slowly, half in a daze, Declan attempted to move. One of his legs was caught…was that a chain? He was chained to the ground, and from the looks of the rusted, corroded metal, he’d been so for quite some time—decades even.

Not much effort was needed to break the chain that bound him, so calmly, Declan did so, guessing its purpose had been less to hold him captive…and more to keep his body from floating…but by whom? Shaking the scattered thoughts from his head, he painfully kicked off the ground and into the blinding light above.
*****
Kella sat in the furthest, darkest corner of the tavern—her usual haunt. She always sat here and always dressed in the same fashion—leather pants and tunic under a bulky coat…to hide both her feminine figure from the drunken men who also frequented this place and the large belt of daggers that never left her small waist. Chestnut hair that reached well past her hips was tied firmly back in a bun against the back of her skull and hidden beneath a hood.

This night was no different from any other. After leaving that place she called home, where her usually drunken and abusive brother kept her busy around the farm until he passed out, Kella adorned her less lady-like clothing, and headed off to the tavern to brood. The girl longed for something—anything—to get her out of this cursed town…little did she know her wish would be granted soon…much sooner than she expected.

Kella noted a disturbance had broken out near the door of the tavern. This was odd—fights usually broke out by the bar, not the door. She quickly gathered that this was no fight. The men, ale still in hand, began stepping back to allow a newcomer through. Kella watched quietly from her table in the back as a tall man, almost six venyas* in height, stumbled into the room. From the tip of his ebony head, to the end of the chain around his ankle, the man was drenched and dripping on the floor. He looked beyond confused, and more than a little worse for wear.

The man’s appearance was strange enough, but what made the townsmen step back in shock was the large, black arrow protruding through the man’s shirt, and into what should have been his heart. This man shouldn’t be breathing, much less standing in the tavern, dripping wet.

Intrigued, and feeling a sense of sadness that she couldn’t explain concerning this strange, pale man, Kella stood and slowly made her way across the room to where the man now stood in the middle of a circle of onlookers. She scowled at each of them hard before standing next to the dripping figure. Why were none of them helping him? She guessed it was a combination of their stubborn, trust-no one mentality and drunkenness that prevented the men from exhibiting a bit of basic human kindness. Kella looked deeply into his face. What she saw there made her start.

The man’s pale complexion was as pure and flawless as porcelain. Dark purple circles hung beneath his eyes showing a weariness that took Kella’s breath—a weariness that was ages old. His haunting green eyes were full of questions—questions that Kella couldn’t answer—ones that made her heart ache.

Shaking her head, Kella glared once again at the drunken men gawking around her before throwing off her cloak and wrapping it around the man’s shivering form. Though he had her bested in height, Kella easily turned, steering the man out of the tavern and down the road to her home.

Kael wouldn’t wake until the next morning, and Kella had dragged him out to the pig sty just to teach him a lesson, so she knew they wouldn’t be bothered in the small cottage. The tall man went with her without question, as though he was lost in some distant dream. Kella didn’t understand how the man was walking about as he was with an arrow in his chest, but there was nothing she could do about it until he was in a safer environment.

Kella’s home was just outside of town, so the walk was extensive, and Declan was weary. Though it was something he would usually not dream of doing, he leaned heavily on the slender girl beside him. She didn’t seem to mind; she only kept her chocolate eyes on the road before them.

The inside of the small cottage was cozy—Kella made sure of that. A warm fire blazed in the hearth, keeping the chilly October air out of the house. Kella placed her guest on a chair in front of the blaze and rushed off for some water.

Poor thing, must be frozen to death, she thought as she filled the kettle and placed it on the fire before returning to where Declan sat.

Without asking his permission, Kella cut away the man’s tattered shirt from the arrow, and removed it gingerly. She let a tiny gasp escape her lips when the cloth was removed. The arrow hadn’t been this man’s only wound.

Covering the porcelain skin that matched his face was a myriad of scars. It appeared as though this man had been burned and stabbed repeatedly, though, the fact that the wounds were now scars made it impossible to tell when.

Kella’s gasp caused the man to stir, and look down. Instinctively, one of his strong hands went to the piece of wood sticking out of his chest, but even the slight touch sent him reeling. Kella laid a hand on his shoulder. The man might be hard to kill, but he certainly wasn’t immune to pain.

“We have to get that out,” Kella’s voice shook slightly, unsure of what the man’s reaction would be. His piercing green eyes shot to where she stood with the now full basin of water, a towel, and a knife.

Placing the basin on the bedside table to her own bed, Kella reached out a hand to the silent man. Gingerly, he took it, and allowed her to pull him to his feet. His hands were soft—so soft that Kella wished she would never be asked to let go.

Kella led him to her bed, and waited while he lay down. Biting her lip, she heated one of her sharpest blades over a candle before looking at the man questioningly. His only response was to stare back into her eyes with an expression that made Kella feel he was looking into her soul—a searching look, but one of complete and total trust.

Turning back to her work, Kella held the hot blade over his chest awkwardly. He was resilient, he’d already proven that, but what if Kella was to miss her target and further endanger his life? She looked back to the man for…she didn’t know what for…but his eyes both comforted her, and made her restless at the same time. The movement was almost invisible; her patient nodded so slightly, Kella wasn’t really sure she’d seen him do it, but he wasn’t protesting. She took a deep breath before laying the blade into the opening alongside the arrow.

Declan’s entire body tensed, and his breath caught as he fought to reign the scream that was building in his throat. His chest was on fire; his every muscle quivered from the stress of the pain that ripped through him, but he kept his eyes trained on the girl—the girl causing his pain…the girl healing it. He had been alone in this strange place in which he’d awakened, but now she was here. She had no reason to help him—no reason to care about him at all, and yet, Declan could just make out the beginnings of tears in her amber eyes. A piece of her chestnut hair escaped the tight bun and fell into her face, but she didn’t notice.

Kella didn’t understand the cause for the tears that grew in her eyes while she worked. She knew she was helping him, so why did his pain torment her so? Every fiber of her being longed to comfort him—to make the pain stop—to put an end to the tortured look in his emerald eyes as he watched her work. One droplet escaped her eye and fell onto the man’s chest. For a second, his eyes left her face, and fell to the teardrop, but returned as soon as the pain continued.

After what seemed like an eternity, the arrow was free. Kella breathed a sigh of relief as she turned to wipe her shaking hands and lay down the knife. When she turned back with a spool of thread and a needle, she found that the wound she’d just cut was now a thin line of sealed flesh on the man’s chest. He smiled when she looked at him in shock. Reaching up with one of those soft, gentle hands, he tucked that unruly strand of hair back in its place behind her ear before easing into a deep slumber.

There Kella sat, alone with the thread still in hand, trying to make sense of all that had just happened. She looked at the arrow and then back to the sleeping man before her, his black hair now scattered across his face and a thin layer of sweat clinging to his brow. Now what?

**********

What happens now? Should Kella examine the arrow and try to learn something from it? Go through the man's pockets to find something of interest? Find a doctor and bring him to examine the man? The choice is yours.
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Last edited by misterbiz on Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow guys! Quite the chappie! Very much enjoyed!


Here I was thinking that we were going to get some answers as to what Declan's profession was and what had made the wolf cease halfway through it's howl. But no, not at all. Instead, we're thrust into a whole new environment, with new questions needing to be answered. I loved it! Smile


For the dp, I don't think she should go off getting other people to look at him. I say let him sleep, so that he has a little time to recover, and if she has to do something in the meantime, let it be outside of interfering with him, by yeah, looking at the arrow or something, or observing him without disturbing him.


I'm very much liking the character of Declan, by the way. I can see him becoming very likeable.


Looking forward to the next chappie guys! Keep up the good work! Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

just wanted to bump this. =) we'll give it one more day before Bizzy posts up chapter 2 tonight! comment please!
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 4:48 pm    Post subject: Chapter 2: The Journey Begins Reply with quote

Kella sat and watched the stranger as he lay almost motionless on the bed. The only movement was the steady rise and fall of his chest and a slight twitch at the end of his fingers as though he was struggling with something unknown.

After about an hour she rose and examined the arrow once more before setting it down and proceeding into her brother's room to an old trunk at the foot of his bed. It contained an assortment of clothes that her brother didn't wear or pieces that had belonged to their father. Kael had thought the trunk to be a fitting place for those as well. Kella needed to find something to replace the now torn and useless shirt of the stranger on her bed. With a sigh, she knelt and opened the trunk. For several long minutes she perused the clothes before grabbing several decent articles and moving back to her own chambers.

She began to alter the clothes, making it so that the large garments, made to fit the massive bulk of her brother, would be comfortable for the incredibly thin individual on her bed. As she worked, she couldn’t help but glance up at him from time to time, watching him as he slept, making sure that he continued to breathe.

Something about him intrigued her—the way he had managed to walk with such pride even with an arrow protruding from his heart—how he had fought screams as she withdrew it from his chest. Everything about him seemed quite unusual, yet she was compelled to assist him. She didn't know why but deep down, she knew she had to.

For hours she sat and altered clothing for him, losing all track of time, until the sun began to drift through the windows. She gazed out over the fields and to the rising sun and smiled softly, slightly amused by how fast time had passed by. The smile quickly vanished as she heard low grunts and growls coming from the front door.
Kael.
He was awake.

She dropped the clothes and left her room to greet him, closing the door behind her as she went. Kael would be furious enough at her for her little prank without bringing the stranger into the equation just yet. She approached cautiously but forced a smile as she got close to her brother, feigning happiness at his appearance, even though the very sight and stench of him disgusted her.

"Good Morrow, Kael! Did you sleep..." she started. She was quickly interrupted by her brother slapping her across the face with the back of his hand.

"You pathetic and wretched, little worm!!" he snapped. "How dare you drag me outside to sleep in the sty??"

Kella grabbed her cheek and stared at her brother as tears filled her eyes from the pain of the blow. "I..."

He backhanded her again, this time using his other hand and causing her to stumble. He stopped Kella from falling by grabbing a tight hold of her arm, bruising her to the bone. Kael glared at her and flared his nostrils slightly.

"What makes you think you can get away with putting me, your brother, in there amongst the pigs?? Is that what I am to you? Nothing but a mere swine?"

She started to answer but received another slap for her efforts. He snarled and leaned in close. He inhaled deeply before actually smiling, yet there was something wrong with that smile. She had seen it before with several of the tavern patrons. It was filled with nothing but malicious intent.

"You know, Kel," he said with an unsettlingly calm tone. "I've tried my best to make you perfect. To get you learn your place." With a forceful action, he shoved her to the ground causing her to yelp slightly. "But it seems as if it wasn't enough. Don't fret though, I've got a plan to make sure you get in line and stay in line for good."

He chuckled slightly causing her to glance up at him from the floor. He was wearing a wicked grin and slowly unbuttoning his shirt. She knew what he had on his mind, and suddenly she felt helpless. When men at the tavern made advances, Kella had no difficulty showing them she wouldn’t be made a victim, but this time was different. Against Kael, she was powerless. She wrapped her arms around her knees and closed her eyes, wishing that it was nothing but a bad dream—that what he had in store for her would be interrupted by some divine intervention.

Then it happened.

"Leave her alone, you lecherous dog," said a fierce, masculine voice. She opened her eyes, and they widened as she noticed the stranger standing before Kael.

"Who in the world are you?" Kael snarled.

The stranger approached him. "My name is Declan, and I am ordering you to leave this girl alone or I shall be forced to pay back your disturbing disrespect ten-fold."

As Kella looked up at the confrontation, she couldn't help but notice that Declan's piercing eyes were glowing as though a fire had been lit behind them. Though they were close to the same height, Declan was less than half Kael’s size, yet something about the way Declan stood and the look in his eyes told Kella everything would be alright.

"You're ordering me about what to do with my own sister?" Kael said with a slight chuckle. "I don't think so. Now leave before I am forced to beat you down like the pathetic mongrel you are."

Kael turned his attention back toward Kella, but as his fingers moved to another button, he was quickly spun around. Declan grabbed him by the front of the shirt and lifted him from the ground. Kella watched with her mouth hanging open. It was remarkable. Declan, who slightly resembled a porcelain scarecrow was lifting the large, brawny Kael from the ground with only one hand.

"You were warned," Declan stated calmly before turning and tossing Kael just as easily as if he had thrown a stick. Kael flew through the air and crashed through a table, causing splinters to fly in all directions. Without saying a word, Declan glanced at Kella and nodded as though he was asking her to follow before striding out of the house. Kella rose and looked to the door then to her brother.

This wasn't good. Even though he was a heartless bastard, the rest of the town viewed Kael as an upstanding citizen. The moment they learned of what had just transpired, both she and Declan would be labeled villains. And as such, there was no telling how many people would be trying to punish them. She raced hurriedly into her room and fetched the clothes she had fixed as well as grabbing the arrow. She then tore from the house at a full run.

She quickly caught up to Declan who was moving at a steady pace on the path into the forest.

"Wait," she said as she caught up to him. "I've got some clothes for you. I spent the night altering them, so they ought to fit."

Declan looked at her for a moment as though unsure of what to say. Dropping his eyes to the ground, he ran a long hand nervously through his silky black locks.

"Thanks," he muttered. He stopped walking and surveyed his surroundings. He then took and examined the garments for a moment before nodding. "Nice craftsmanship. Excellent stitching…nice work."

Kella’s cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink. It wasn't often that she heard a genuine compliment on something other than her body. "Thank you," she said.

Declan removed himself from the path a couple of feet and started to undress. Suddenly embarrassed and slightly uncomfortable, Kella looked away.

"So, Declan, where are you from?"

"Don't know," he responded.

"How can you not know?"

"Don't…remember." Declan stared at the ground again, slightly embarrassed, while fidgeting with one of the cufflinks on his new shirt.

"Well,” Kella continued, growing irritated, “do you have any family?"

"Don't know."

"Who shot you with this arrow?"

"Umm…Not sure?"

"Where'd you get the scars?"

"Drawing a blank…?"

With each question, Kella’s tone became more and more high-pitched and flustered, and Declan became more and more apologetically awkward. Her jaw dropped a bit, and she quickly turned in his direction, forgetting for the moment that he had been in the process of dressing. Luckily, she avoided any embarrassment as he was now slipping on the leather trench coat she had provided him.

"Well, what do you remember?"

"I remember my name is Declan…and I woke up in a lake," he said as he turned to face her. She eyed him momentarily as he strode back to the path. He was wearing the clean pants she had provided as well as the black leather trench coat that hung down to his knees. It was closed over his torso and a black button-up shirt by a couple of straps and buckles. Some of his pale flesh showed at the top of the half-unbuttoned shirt, including the scar from the previous night.

"So…where are you going to go? We're going to be wanted in the village for what you did to Kael."

"I don't know, really. For now, the general plan is to figure out who I am and how I ended up at the bottom of that lake."

Kella nodded, biting her lip. She could understand him wanting to know those things. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like not knowing anything about herself or her past outside of her name. "Where are you going to start?"

"That arrow," he said, motioning to the black stick in her hand. "I'm going to see if I can figure out its origin. Black arrows aren't exactly normal I'm sure. Also found these in my pockets," he said, holding up a folded piece of parchment and a large ruby ring. He slid the ring on and stared at Kella. "Any ideas on what to check out first?"

***************

So what should the duo check out first? Find someone to look at the ring? Find an arrowsmith and look into the history of the arrow? Examine the parchment? The choice is yours.
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2011 9:54 pm    Post subject: I Think....... Reply with quote

This is definatly shaping up to be an interesting tale. I'm guessing the first part happens years after the actual baginning of the tale, or some time waaaaaay before. An interesting way to go about it!

I have to say the first chapter hit on to one of my pet peeves, the one about instalove. Her sitting in the bar, her bearing gave me a good feel of her being a good, strong, independant woman, but the sudden "Head-over-heels" feel for the guy, suddenly feeling his pain, and the overwheling devotion acts like a grait against my common sense. But that's just me being nit-picky. Instalove bugs me.

The second chapter evend it out for me. Seemed a lot more practical and realistic. I am a bit confused. . . Is her brother dead? Now that he's actually proven to be a good man, her draw towards him is more ralistic and toches my heart more then before, with the first chapter. I do like the healing thing, and he. . . .*Grin* He sounds hot. I won't lie, I like the way he sounds. I like his conflicting manner, going from full of confidence with Kael and then little puppydog with Kel. Gives me smiles.

As for the DP. . . . .If she really is that drawn to him, I'd say take a short time, run into town and get some suplies, maybe run back to the house for cook ware, then follow him wherever he leads. She seemed interested in the arrow, so I can see her suggestiong that first. But, the VERY first thing to do, is supplies!

Keep diching it out you two, I'm rooting for you!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm down with checking out the arrow but you know... you may wish to let us strategize for the characters rather than giving us all the best options mentioned already Wink

Loving this! It has the best of both worlds I think, the emotional, RL paralleling factor Andy often weaves into her writing, the great innovation and themepainting we see from Mr.Biz (waking up underwater with an arrow in his chest... brilliant!), Andolyn's excellent eye for editing, and Mr.Biz's plotweave timing.

Well done y'all... will be watching on and I'm sorry for not catching on earlier (been working to catchup and you added another chapter as soon as I'd read the last!)
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andi and Biz!


Great chapter guys! This story is really coming along, and looks to be shaping into an intriguing tale. I really am getting the feeling that I'm going to like Declan. I mean, I'm sure I'll like both leads, but there really is something about him. It's a feeling I tend to get for a certain character in most of my favourite novels. Really looking forward to seeing what's going to happen.


For the dp, I agree with TB. Go have someone check out the arrows locally, before Kael can get into the village/town and besmerge their names. If they get no joy there, try and get a couple of horses, and ride out to another village/town, and see what they can find there. Whilst at either place, they could also get the ring checked out by a Smith/Metal worker, or at a Jewellery stall/shop.


Still loving this guys! Keep up the good work! Smile

PS - Consider this Stickied! Congrats to you both!

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

now polling
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This has got to be one of the most amazing stories I've read in a while. You two better start looking for a publisher once this is done.Im just awe-struck by the sheer quality of writing really. It's absolutely amazing and I hope I get to read more of this quickly.

As for the DP, I voted for checking out the arrow. It seemed the natural thing to do for me. Just cant see this two running at this moment.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:12 pm    Post subject: Post Reply with quote

Hey hey, voted. . . . .I seem to be the only one worried about the brother here *Wriggles* But that's fine! Keep up the good work guys, can't wait for the net chapter!
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kella thought for a moment, hands on her hips, before speaking. “The arrow,” she nodded certain of her decision. “We need to find out where the arrow came from.”

“Take me to the blacksmith,” Declan’s tone was flat, “He’ll likely know about such things.”

Kella let out a giggle. "Um, she, actually," she said. Declan looked at her and merely raised an eyebrow. She blushed and coughed slightly to clear her throat. "The blacksmith is a woman actually. Her name is..."

"Not important in the grand scheme of things," Declan interrupted. "You can introduce us when we arrive."

Kella nodded and looked at the arrow for a moment. She then watched Declan as he slid the parchment into one of his pockets and then looked at the ring. For several moments, he stood entranced by the ruby before finally lowering his hand and smiling lightly.

"Ready?" Kella ventured to ask.

Declan nodded in response and continued down the trail. Kella followed alongside him. He strode in silence, great, long strides that she could barely keep up with. Every so often she'd glance over at him. His face was strong but emotionless. His eyes sat unmoving on the road ahead of them. His mouth a firm line carved into the granite that was his flesh. It was like he was pulled from a painting or some storybook she had read as a child. Everything about him was surreal...almost frighting, and Kella was lost in the intrigue.

As they neared the town, she glanced over and to her surprise, found him returning her gaze. She jumped a bit and quickly looked away.

"You know it's rude to stare, right?" he asked as he looked back to the road with a smirk.

"Yeah," she said, blushing. She looked ahead as they moved into town, and buildings appeared on all sides of them. She pointed toward one of the upcoming streets. "The blacksmith is right up here."

Declan nodded and allowed her to move ahead of him a bit. She led him to the blacksmith's shop and opened the door. A small bell placed above the entrance rang and sent an echo throughout the building.

"Ah, Kella, how nice to see you," a tall woman said coming down a small set of stairs in the corner. She had long red hair that was tied up in a tight bun. Behind her blacksmith's apron, she was dressed in bright colored clothing that Declan recognized as being Elvish in make. He didn't quite understand how he knew that but at the moment he didn't care. All he was focused on was the arrow. "Here for Kael's monthly repairs?"

"Actually, Andrea," Kella said. "My friend Declan here and I found this arrow and were wondering if you could tell us more about it."

She held out the arrow and allowed Andrea to take it. Andrea moved to the other side of the large wooden counter where she had a variety of weapons laid out. She pulled out a book and flipped through the pages. After a while, her eyes widened. She slammed the book closed, staring up at Kella and Declan.

"You really don't know what you have here?" she asked. Kella shook her head. Andrea walked back around the counter and held it out to them. She turned it over in her hand a couple times as she showed every inch of it to them. Kella shook her head and Declan merely gazed at the arrow with expressionless eyes. He eyed every inch of it, paying close attention to several markings carved into it. Andrea looked around cautiously before leaning in. It's an old Fen arrow.”

Kella's eyes widened. “Fen? Are you sure? I mean, how can you tell?”

“Easy,” Andrea said. “These markings up and down the shaft. They're their calling card. These markings are an old language and are loosely translated as...”

“Killing Death to Sustain Life,” Declan said.

Both of the women gazed at him. He looked at both of them before actually smiling. He swallowed for a moment before pointing at the shaft of the arrow. “I don't know how, but all of a sudden, I know that language,” he said in a hurry, excited about a sudden surge of memory. “Old elven. Half a century older than the design of her clothes.” He let out a large gulp of air that he had been holding. He took a couple of deep breaths before looking at both of them. “My only question is who or what is Fen?”

Andrea let out a nervous giggle. “Have you been living under a rock for the last decade?”

“A lake, actually. As far as I know,” he responded.

Before Andrea could respond, Kella grabbed the arrow and pushed Declan toward the door. “Thanks,” she called. “See you around.” Once outside, Kella looked to Declan who was staring at her curiously. She rolled her eyes, looking at him like a mother who'd barely escaped an embarrassing moment with her child. “I'd keep the lake business to yourself. I don't know if people would be too accepting of the fact that you seemingly came out of nowhere. Especially with you having a Fen arrow.”

“By the way, what is this Fen you keep talking about?”

“Bandit group. Royal pains in the country's backside. They're led by some simple called The Queen. No one's ever seen her. They're vicious and not exactly known for taking prisoners,” she told him. “You having that arrow means that you got on their bad side.”

Declan nodded. “So I angered a bandit clan, got shot with one of their arrows, and was dropped into a lake. Hmm...”

He stood for a moment before starting off toward the road that led out of town. She followed behind him for a few paces before catching up and walking beside him. She waited until they had left town before finally speaking up.

“So where are you going now?”

“Well, now that I have some idea of who put me in the lake, I want to find out why. There is also the matter of who I really am. There's a lifetime of memories that were taken from me, and I want them back.”

“Oh, yeah, that,” she said, blushing. “But um, where are you gonna start?”

“I was going to start at the lake. See if I can find out anything else about my attack,” he said.

After they got a fair distance from the town, Declan pulled the parchment from his pocket. He unfolded it and smiled. “Or if you were up for a longer excursion, I just found a couple leads,” he said.

“Oh yeah?”

Declan stopped and turned toward her, holding the parchment out. Scrawled on it was an old map that covered the entire nation. Several spots were circled on it. A couple were small villages that Kella had heard of but was unsure whether or not they still existed. Also circled was an area that read Moorhead Inn and an image of a building that was labeled DeMuer Estates.

“You want to check one of those spots out first or continue on to the lake,” she asked.

Declan sighed and looked at the map himself one last time before coming to a decision and nodding to her.

****************

Ok. Where to? The Lake? Random circled village? The estates? None of the above? Come on, people...
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 2:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another to add to the next reading round that I've been looking forward too!
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andi and Biz!


Fab new chapter! This tale is really coming into it's own now, and the characters are becoming more familiar to the reader. I feel like I'm just starting to get to know them a little better, though Declan comes across as quite mysterious most of the time, though loving the awkwardness that he has about these things that he knows, but doesn't know how he knows them. It's like he's showing a vunerability beneath a usually blank exterior, and there are little moments like that throughout. Almost like whatever he's been through before now has made him go inside himself, and gradually little glimpses of the true Declan, the Declan he used to be, are showing through, but like thin shafts of sunlight through a cloud, kinda appearing and disappearing every now and then.


I can see that this is going to be one intriguing tale. I'm loving both main characters, they are a wonderful combination, and I'm also very drawn in by the mystery that the story is based around. How did he get there? Why is he there? Who buried him beneath the lake? Why is he not dead already, having been shot by an arrow, and been in a situation where he should have drowned? All questions that I can't wait to have answered. Smile


Just spotted one little thing...


Quote:
It's an old Fen arrow.”


Missing one set of speech marks.


For the DP...I think they have to go to the lake. That is where it all began for Declan, and the area may be hiding some vital clues. They could go and check out the points on the map, but currently, they have no idea where to really go first in that respect. Go to the lake, and see if they can find anything that will direct them to their next port of call.


Sorry it took me so long guys, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can't wait for the next installment!

Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AWESOME! Very Happy

To the lake!!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:29 am    Post subject: Post Reply with quote

Lovin' it! This is definatly one of my favorite types of stories! *Applauds*

I like how the guy seems without emotion one moment, then siling the next. And the line about his being pulled out of a storybook was an interesting and very understandable way to put it. Loves!

I think. . . . . .I still theink they should set up for a long journey. Call me a boy shcout, but I don't think they should go anywhere until they get some supplies! I agree, hit the lake first, but plan on visiting the other places too. Thanks what I think. . . . .

Still lovin' this, keep it comin'!
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2011 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very nicely edited though perhaps a bit brief. I felt there was more room in here for character development than was given. Still, I cannot fault the writing at all. It really shines with the best of both of your writing styles.

I'd be inclined to start with the scene of the crime (the lake) myself.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

“The Lake. It’s the closest, and will likely take the least amount of investigation…given the apparent amount of time that’s passed.”

“Right then,” Kella strode forward, “let’s go.”

Declan watched her go for a brief moment. Kella was a contradictory woman. Forceful at times, tough surfaced, but underneath, there was a timidity and vulnerability about her. She was familiar to Declan in a way he couldn’t describe, yet he knew he’d never met her.

Kella looked over her shoulder. Finding him still standing in the same spot, gazing at the ground, she stopped.

“Are you trying to stare a hole in the ground?” Declan looked up at her, a confused expression on his stony face. “Nevermind…let’s go!”

Now Declan moved forward with those long strides Kella had trouble keeping in step with. At least she had a head start this time, so it was a few minutes before Declan overtook her.

Their trip down to the lake was spent in silence. While she walked, Kella noticed something odd about the forest around her. It took several minutes for the oddity to fully reveal itself to her. In front of them, the birds chattered noisily in the trees as they always did…the same for the ones behind them on the trail, but in the twenty feet surrounding Kella and Declan, there was silence. Nothing rustled in the underbrush, nothing in the trees made a sound. Only the deafening silence. Now it was Declan’s turn to encourage movement.

“A shovel is a far better means of digging holes, is it not?” he smirked. Kella looked up, realizing she’d been had. Jogging to where Declan walked now, she fell into step with him once again.

The lake was dreary and dead looking…as usual. Since her childhood, Kella had been taught that the lake was an evil place—something to fear and stay away from. Knowing Declan had come from the lake, though, made her unsure now. Perhaps the rumors of evil were meant to keep people from finding what should have been a watery grave for the mysterious man, because Declan was anything but evil. He was a mystery; quiet, stony, and somewhat scary at times…but he couldn’t be evil…right?

Declan, unaware of the mental battle raging under Kella’s brunette locks, strode to the water’s edge and kept going, dropping his coat behind him. Kella watched and waited from the shoreline. She knew the stories were probably just old wives’ tales, but still, this place gave her the creeps.

After wading out to chest level in the water, Declan dove beneath the black surface. Kella waited several minutes before starting to get concerned when Declan still hadn’t come back up. She reminded herself that he’d lived a few decades under that lake, so he was probably just fine for a few minutes, but she still couldn’t help the tinge of worry that played at the back of her mind.

Finally, Kella could wait no longer. She stripped down to her undergarments and slowly, cautiously, slid into the dark water. Beneath the surface was incredibly clear, unlike the black top would lead one to believe. Under the water were the remnants of what looked like an epic battle. Carriages, arrows, and swords littered the ground beneath her.

Just as she was swimming around a large carriage smashed on a rock, Kella found herself face to face with the rotting remains of what she could only guess to be a man. He was suspended upright in the water, attached to the bottom by the large weight he’d been chained to by the ankle. His blonde hair waved wildly, making him look like a ghost, and over the years he’d been hidden down here, the fish had made several feasts out of him.

Kella’s heart raced. Though her mind was calm and observant, her body’s instinctive fear had taken over without her knowing. When she’d come face to face with the dead man, she’d screamed in terror, releasing the small amount of oxygen in her lungs. By the time she realized this, it was already too late. Kella grabbed her throat, looking around wildly for something to help, knowing nothing was there.

In desperation, Kella grabbed the only thing within her reach that could help—the hand of the dead man. With it, she pulled herself down to the lake floor, and kicked off. As she rocketed toward the surface, she felt something fall off into her hand. Kella swam hard. As hard as she’d ever swam before, but she’d come too far down. Her heart pounded, begging for the oxygen needed to keep it going. As she reached up for her life, Kella’s vision began growing dark. She was losing this battle.

Just before she lost consciousness completely, Kella saw a dark form penetrate the water’s surface above her, growing larger as it came closer. The last thing she saw before the world was lost were those piercing green eyes as she felt herself being pulled up.

When Kella regained consciousness, her chest felt like someone had been pounding on it…as did her head. She was chilled to the bone, and shaking, but her surroundings were warm. The only sound was the steady crackle of…was that a fireplace? She opened her eyes to find herself lying in a soft bed in a wooden room. Over her, leaned the aged form of her friend, the innkeeper.

“Where?” she started, but the elderly man stopped her.

“You’re in the inn, child,” his voice was quiet and soothing. Since Kella was a child, the old innkeeper had been her only friend and mentor. She didn’t even know his name since all she’d ever called him was Innkeeper, but he was the closest thing Kella had to real family all the same.

It suddenly occurred to Kella that this was not where she lost consciousness…and this was not the person she was expecting to see when she opened her eyes.
She turned her head, ignoring the pounding pain, looking for her companion.

“He’s right over there by the fire,” the Innkeeper assured her. Sure enough, there was Declan, leaned back in a chair with his head on his chest. He appeared to be asleep, but something made Kella doubt that he was. “He’s not left your side since he brought you in. Imagine my surprise when a strange man shows up down in the tavern with you soaking wet in his arms…especially after everything your brother’s been spreading around town.”

Kella sat up, suddenly very afraid, but regretted the rushed movement instantly and lay back down.

“It’s alright, you’re safe,” Innkeeper promised, “Unlike the majority of this cursed town, I know who he really is…plus Declan told me the real story.” The aged man stood, and turned toward the door. “I’ll go get you some supper. Be right back.”
When he was gone, Declan stirred. The tall, thin man stood and made his way to the bed where Kella lay. She moved over, and he sat next to her.

“What were you doing? Following me in like that?” His tone was quiet, tender almost. “That water is full of evil…of several sorts.”

“I was afraid,” Kella admitted. She knew lying to him was futile, “You’d been under for so long. I wanted to look for you.” A subtle smile flashed across Declan’s lips. If she’d not been looking right at him, Kella wouldn’t have noticed it. She changed the subject. “Did you find anything?”

“No, just some more elvish writing on the block I was chained to,” Declan reached for his pocket, “but you did.” He pulled out a small circle of metal with rich elvish carving. It was a ring.

“That must have been what fell off in my hand when I tried to swim up,” Kella took the ring, examining the beautifully lavish handiwork.

“Actually,” Declan cringed a bit, “the whole finger fell off in your hand…I just thought you might not want that part back…” Kella felt like she would be sick. Declan patted her head awkwardly.

“So now what?” Kella sighed. “We need to find out about all these things we’ve found, and Innkeeper would be old enough to know the truth of some of it, I’m sure…but should we bring him into this? I trust him with my life, but what if the people who put you there decide to come after him once they realize you’re alive?”

“We could ask him,” Declan pondered, “but I’ve already inconvenienced him so much just by coming back here. I needed help and couldn’t think of anywhere else to go…”

Kella was quiet. She really had nothing to offer this time. That ring was so much like Declan’s, and it came from a body left in the same way he was, but there were also all those other places they could explore on the map.

“I don’t know,” Kella said finally. “It’s getting dark though. Why don’t we stay here for the night, and decide what to do in the morning?”

********************

Where to now? Do they question the innkeeper? Look more into the ring or the body? Choice is yours.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andi and Biz!


Another fab chapter, and the plot thickens! I loved the descriptions of the scenes with Kella in the lake. Very well done! Smile


I just found this one thing...


Quote:
“Are you trying to stare a hole in the ground?” Declan looked up at her, a confused expression on his stony face. “Nevermind…let’s go!”


When I read this part, I had to double take and go back over it, as at first glance, it's hard to determine who it is that's speaking. Though, once I did this, it was easy enough to see that it was Kella talkiing, I would suggest breaking it up slightly, and then adding something to make it clear who the dialogue belongs to. Maybe something like...

“Are you trying to stare a hole in the ground?”

Declan looked up at her, a confused expression on his stony face. Kella rolled her eyes, and shot him a small smile.*

“Nevermind," she went on, gesturing for him to follow her. "Let’s go!”


*not quite sure how Kella would react to such a happening, as it's too near the beginning to get a good feel for the character yet, but you get my meaning. I only added it because the sentence looked like it needed more. Wink

I'm not saying that's exactly how it HAS to be, just giving a general idea as to what I'm talking about. Smile




Quote:
In desperation, Kella grabbed the only thing within her reach that could help—the hand of the dead man. With it, she pulled herself down to the lake floor, and kicked off. As she rocketed toward the surface, she felt something fall off into her hand. Kella swam hard. As hard as she’d ever swam before, but she’d come too far down. Her heart pounded, begging for the oxygen needed to keep it going. As she reached up for her life, Kella’s vision began growing dark. She was losing this battle.


This isn't pointing out a mistake of any kind, or even critiquing really, merely an idea that occured to me while I was reading, and can be used or ignored as you please. This scene is already vivid enough, and great as is. But while I read it, I suddenly thought to myself 'Doesn't something happen when one ascends rapidly from depth?' I looked it up, and it's a form of De-compression Illness called arterial gas embolism. Anyway, I don't even know if that would be usable here, but just thought I'd mention it anyway. Not that you'd be able to use the name, I'm guessing, but it has some interesting reactions, so could make for some good descriptive writing. Smile But this is definitely not a 'this would make it sooo much better' kinda thing, as, like I said before, it's fab as it is. Just something that occured to me is all.


For the dp...Well, there's no impending danger on the horizon that I can see, so I say just leave it for tonight, have Kella rest properly after her ordeal, and ask the Innkeeper in the morning. While they're both awake, Kella and Declan could discuss any possibilities, I guess, but definitely ask the Innkeeper once they're rested. It's not like they have to include him in what they're doing or anything, just show him the ring, tell him they found it at the lake, and ask him if he knows anything about it. It's not really getting him involved, and still getting the info they need.


Fab chappie and looking forward to the next one! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*BUMP!!*
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 10:55 pm    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

Another fine one here, with a bit of a rushed but exhilarating feel!


I'd have to say, I'm a little lost as to how Declan knew to come here of all places. If Innkeeper is her ONLY friend in town, how did he know this? I may have missed something, or this just runs the coarse of "Fantasy Coincidence" that I see so often. I get a little lost on her dive. I didn't get the feeling that she was all that deep, so it was a bit confusing to think of her being so far down. . . . A little bit on that matter would help the adjustment to her drowning scene.

As fer the DP, I'ma go wiiiiith. . . . .*Kick* Pack up and leave town. Head for the nearest town, preferable one close enough to have t's own set of "Evil Lake Lore" if you know what I mean. . . .But don't ferget the packing part Razz


More more more you two! *Grins*
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PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Yeah…we'll wait til morning," he said. "Get some rest." Kella watched as he softly grabbed the ring from her, pocketed it and then marched solemnly back to his chair by the fire. She sat in the bed and studied him for a moment as he sat down and leaned back. He kept his gaze focused on the fire, watching the flames dance a bright ballet.

Kella laid back and let her eyes slowly close. It was not long until she fell into a black dreamless sleep. A few minutes after she had fallen asleep, Declan looked over at her. He reflected back on the happenings of the last twenty-four hours. For some reason or other, this inn had been his retreat from the beginning. When he’d first awakened, he’d unconsciously found his way here. Then again, when he feared for Kella’s safety, his instincts brought him back to this place. Perhaps it was something about the innkeeper’s aura. It was strong and exceedingly warm. The old man entered the room and cast a single look at her before smiling and walking over to Declan.

"Here," the old man said, offering a bowl of stew to Declan. Declan took it and offered a nod of thanks as the old man retreated from the room with the extra bowl originally meant for Kella.

Declan’s eyes again wandered to the young woman soundly sleeping across the room. Her chest rose and fell softly beneath the warm blankets. Declan sighed, glad to see it doing so again. Earlier, when he’d emerged from the water, he found Kella’s clothing piled next to his coat. He remembered a feeling of concern as he’d scanned the surrounding area looking for her. That concern had turned to fear when a rush of air that was her scream bubbled to the water’s surface, and that fear had turned to panic as he knelt over her lifeless body after bringing her back to the shore. Kella had not been breathing then, and her lips were a ghastly blue.

Don’t let her die...she's all you've got.

That had been Declan’s single thought as he began pounding on her fragile chest. Eventually, his efforts had been rewarded with spluttering coughs and then gasping breaths, and that’s when his own heart began beating again. Now, though, Kella was safe, and Declan fought to understand her.

Why?

Why had she done that? Why had she gone against her own instinct and put herself in that much danger for him? She didn’t owe him anything. In fact, Declan was pretty sure he had yet to pay his debts to her for all the help she’d given him already. It simply made no sense.

Declan shook his head, his thoughts returning to the bowl of stew before him.

The meal was simple yet delicious. Once Declan had finished, he rose and sat his empty bowl on the small table next to him before leaning back, sighing, and letting his eyes softly close. He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out as he fell asleep.

As he drifted off, Declan found himself standing in the forest. An unnatural, moss colored mist swirled around him. The trees that surrounded him were dead, gray and gnarled. Off in the distance, a wolf bayed at the moon for a small while before being interrupted by a large boom of thunder.

“Hello?” he called, his voice echoing around the surreal and nightmarish landscape.

Only silence responded. After sweeping his gaze in all directions, he started to walk. The wolf let out another howl and was once again cut off by the roar of thunder. Goosebumps popped up all over Declan's body as he proceeded forward, unsure as to where he was going. After what seemed like a couple dozen eternities, he reached the end of the trees. Just past them laid the lake that he had crawled from and about a hundred yards away sat the foundation of the inn. Yet something was quite wrong about the image.

Gathered at the shoreline was a group of shadowy figures. They stood shoulder to shoulder around the lake, completely encircling it. The wolf bayed again but thunder once more drowned out its sound.

“Declan,” a female voice screamed. It wasn't Kella's voice, he was sure of that. The voice was panicked, filled with desperation. His eyes quickly surveyed the area, searching for who called to him. “Declan, save me.”

“Where are you?” he called back.

The air was silent for but a moment, then it was suddenly filled by a shriek— horrible, blood-curdling, banshee-like call that erupted from the center of the lake. Acting fast, Declan shoved past the shadows and dove into the water, swimming toward where he swore the woman had screamed from.

Declan swam fast and after a short amount of time, reached a small island in the center of the water. Standing up, he found himself alone. There was no woman whatsoever. There wasn't even a sign that anyone had even been there. A low, masculine laugh filled the air, and as Declan looked around, he saw that the shadowy figures on the shoreline were now on the island with him, each one aiming a bow and arrow in his direction. The laugh resounded through the air again, then the shadows fired.

Declan's eyes shot open and were instantly greeted by the sight of a dead fire. Instinctively, he reached up and felt his chest where the arrow had been before looking over toward the bed. Kella wasn't there anymore. Sunlight poured through the open window, and he sighed. There was something about the images he had seen that sent whispers through his mind telling him that they were more than a dream. The secret of his past lay there.

Pushing the thoughts of the dream away, he rose and made his way downstairs where Kella and the innkeeper were talking. Kella looked over at him, hearing his steps and smiled.

“Morning,” she said. “How'd you sleep?”

“Fine,” Declan stated, deciding that it was best he didn't mention the dream. Not yet anyway.

“I was just asking Innkeeper here if he knew anything about the lake and any lore about The Fen,” Kella said.

“Yeah. I know plenty. Legend says that The Fen weren't always bandits. A long time ago they were simple sell-swords. Mercenaries. And after completing a particular job for a very rich client, they started a reign of terror. All while being led by a mysterious figure they called their queen. Legend also states that they built this very tavern to use as their headquarters, mixing the blood of their victims in with the mortar and foundation.”

Declan nodded and pulled out the ring. He approached the bar and sat it down.

“Know anything about this?” he asked.

He picked it up and looked at it for a minute before smiling and nodding.

“That looks like a sorcerer’s ring—rings that were once bestowed upon all mages and sorcerers once they had completed their training. And that writing—It looks similar to something else…hold on, I'll find it.”

Declan nodded as the old man walked away and looked down at his own ring and then glancing at Kella, who wore a brilliant smile as she watched the old man walk away. The image of her face, a cold, lifeless blue flashed before his eyes, and he shivered. Declan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. As he stood there, he instinctively knew that the legend the old man had mentioned about blood in the building was true. Whispers echoed through his mind telling him that even a bit of his own blood lay around them between the stones. Perhaps that had been what drew him here. His own life blood was in this place. What had originally given him a feeling of sanctuary and safety now felt as though it were closing in on him from all sides.

The old man appeared a short time later with a leather bound book. He sat it on the bar and pushed it toward Declan.

“Been here since I was a lad and my Pa ran this place,” he said.

Declan opened the journal and flipped through it. It was written in Elvish. Old Elvish. A dialect he was more than certain was dead now. Contained within the book was the journal of a mercenary. It spoke of several jobs he had completed—Guarding a caravan, rescuing a kidnapped maiden, killing a bandit leader—dull, tiresome stories that were most likely exaggerated to make him look more amazing to later generations than he truly was. Then Declan saw it. The man mentioned that he and his group had been hired by an unknown party to kill someone. The final entry was short and simple. It only contained one word.

Success.

“Failure,” Declan whispered, realizing that it was most likely him mentioned. He slid the journal back and nodded to him before grabbing the ring and strolling out of the building. He continued walking a couple yards before stopping and rubbing the spot the arrow had struck him.

Kella emerged a short while later and jogged to catch up to him. She had a leather satchel draped over her shoulder. “Innkeeper gave us a nice travel pack. You just kinda marched out of there. You alright?”

“Fine. Journal was pointless. The ring is useless. I'm alive when I clearly shouldn't be, and I have no idea why. I thought that being around this damned lake would give me some answers but I'm still stuck in the dark. I don't like it."

Kella looked at the ground for a moment, unsure of what to say or do. He was clearly upset and lost. He was searching for answers and so far they had found absolutely nothing. She glanced up at him and raised a hand to place it on his shoulder, but she hesitated and lowered it.

"So where to now?" she asked.

"There's a village not too far from here," he said. "Maybe they know more about the Fen and this lake." She nodded and watched as he started walking on the trail leading away from the inn, away from the lake. He gave the body of water a final glance before continuing walking.

She jogged to catch up and did her best to keep up with him. His strides seemed even larger at present. They traveled for hours, only taking the occasional break to eat. The sun began to set when they reached a thick wood. They paused shortly for a rest, but when they were completely silent, a strange sound hit their ears. It was music.

The tempo was light and beautiful, fluttering in the air like a swarm of audible butterflies. They both looked around but saw no sign of who was making it.

"This music," Declan said. "It feels familiar."

"You wanna check it out? See who it is? Maybe they have answers. Or we could just keep going and find the village."

"Village is quite a distance away. They are closer. Then again, we know nothing of where we are. The map lists nothing about this area. We could use a rest."

Kella nodded. She was torn. She wanted to go to the village and be as far from Kael as possible. She wanted to find who was behind the enchanting music. She wanted to glance at the map and truly see what was near. She looked to the ground and she sighed as she tried to think of an idea.

************

What to do? Check out the music? Keep going? Go somewhere else? Stop and eat something? Go to the bathroom and double back?
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PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Biz and Andi!


Fab new chapter guys, really! Some of the phrases used were brilliant! Such as the following...


Quote:
He kept his gaze focused on the fire, watching the flames dance a bright ballet.


Really wonderful decription there of the flames. I've very often decribed flames as 'dancing' myself, but never thought to use a style of dance to do so, but it is so effective.

Quote:
As he drifted off, Declan found himself standing in the forest. An unnatural, moss colored mist swirled around him. The trees that surrounded him were dead, gray and gnarled. Off in the distance, a wolf bayed at the moon for a small while before being interrupted by a large boom of thunder.


Really like this paragraph as a whole. It really sets the mood. I do think it would sound better though if the 'small' in that last sentence was changed to 'short'.


Found a few things here...


Quote:
It was not long until she fell into a black dreamless sleep. A few minutes after she had fallen asleep, Declan looked over at her.


This doesn't sound right in such close proximatey to the description of her falling asleep. We need to get that second 'sleep' out of there. Maybe something like...

It was not long until she fell into a black dreamless sleep. Shortly afterwards, Declan's eyes drifted to look at the girl, watching her slumber.

Not perfect I'm sure, but just an example of what I mean.


Quote:
"Here," the old man said, offering a bowl of stew to Declan. Declan took it and offered a nod of thanks as the old man retreated from the room with the extra bowl originally meant for Kella.


Too close a proximatey again, especially given that the title is also given in the last sentence of the previous chapter. I can't actually think of a replacement at this point in time, but merely changing one (the second one I think would sound better personally) to 'Innkeeper' would sound better. Smile

Quote:
Eventually, his efforts had been rewarded with spluttering coughs and then gasping breaths, and that’s when his own heart began beating again.


To fit in with the rest of the sentence, there needs to be a 'had' here, I think, and I think 'began' should be 'begun' though not entirely sure on that point.

Quote:
“Yeah. I know plenty. Legend says that The Fen weren't always bandits. A long time ago they were simple sell-swords. Mercenaries. And after completing a particular job for a very rich client, they started a reign of terror. All while being led by a mysterious figure they called their queen. Legend also states that they built this very tavern to use as their headquarters, mixing the blood of their victims in with the mortar and foundation.”

Declan nodded and pulled out the ring. He approached the bar and sat it down.


I'm not entirely sure about this, as Declan may have mentioned knowing this in past chapters (atm I'm rather addled by lack of sleep, and haven't the energy to go back over the chapters to see, so I apologise if this is the case), but I know that if someone had just told me that the blood of The Fen's victims had been mixed in with the mortar that held the house together, I think it would give me the chills. Declan's response is very placid, so I wonder if a little more needs to be added here. Though he does respond later, I think a slight reaction here would only add to the already high quality of the tale.

That aside, I do love the idea of the blood and mortar being combined. Very grizzly and chill-inducing. Wink


For the dp...Yeah, go check out the music. Considering that it's familiar to Declan, one wonders who it might be, and what race they might have sprung from. Human, elves, who knows...but I want to. Wink So go check out our mystery music maker, and see if they have anything to offer. They'll aways wonder about it otherwise. Smile


Really great chapter, guys, and very much enjoyed! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2012 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting story concept. I'm not sure why Kella is following Declan beyond "it needs to happen for the story to work"... especially when he regenerated in front of her eyes. Still, the plot is definitely under way here- and the prologue eased any "ugh another amnesia story?" frustration.

Well, if they could find another journal from that time period, it'd be helpful. But outside of that, I don't think there's anything to gain from going back to the village- and a lot to lose, depending on what Kael has told everyone. But unless the other villages on the map happen to have Fen landmarks, I don't know what help those would be. So, I'm assuming they've just left Moorhead Inn, as circled on the map? Since it has heavy Fen ties, going to the DeMuer Estates would be a good idea. Or, they could go back to the lake- Kella's rescue meant that they left in a bit of a rush, last time, and Declan's dream suggests that the island might have more clues.

Or I suppose they could go check out the music. That just seems so obvious, though.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loving this, Only one thought runs through my mind.. What could this man be, to survive all of this and still be walking around?

Smirks and nods Ill definitely be watching this one, and waiting for what happens next!

As far as DP goes, I wouldn't think that the music would mean much. And with Declan wanting to get more information about himself, I would see him charging for his next destination instead of going and checking out some random music playing.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:52 pm    Post subject: I Think. . . . . Reply with quote

You two seem to be working this very well. Still going strong, and I can't wait to see what comes next! I'm a lil short on time so I'll add my idea for the DP laters!



Laters . . . . . . .

Oki, now, um, I'll have to go with checking out the music, but be cautious. Maybe have him go in front 'cause he's the one who recognizes it, and have her hang back checking out the map. That's my idea anyways. Razz Keep on chugin' along!
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

now polling
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 10:22 pm    Post subject: Vote Reply with quote

Voted, yays! Love this story!
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What to do?
Check out the music
66%
 66%  [ 2 ]
Go to DeMuer Estates
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Head to the next town
33%
 33%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 3
Who Voted: Andolyn, PopeAlessandrosXVIII, Tikanni Corazon

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