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Destiny's Intertwined {Under Construction}

 
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VenomousAngel
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:07 pm    Post subject: Destiny's Intertwined {Under Construction} Reply with quote

Alright, So I am new to this site but i am not new to writing. I would appreciate any comments, as well as any hints or tips you may wish to add in as suggestions. Anything is taken into consideration, and all is thought over before continuing with the story.

Part One: Chapter One - A glimpse into the past


The warmth of the brilliant sun shone brightly down on a the town of Salavari, the year of Eighteen Seventy-Three brought forth yet another of the annual festivals. Small green eyes observed many, young and old elves. Most of them spoke in groups huddled along the streets, but there was a few that remained by their homes, calling out to their children as they played throughout the city. Long legs raced through the busy streets, intent on searching it for hidden mysteries.

As the child reached an abandoned shack she quietly observed the outer shell, broken windows and dusty walls lined the building, as well as cracked paint and cobwebs. Moving slowly a little hand reached out pushing open the dusty door, the light shining through the dust making it seem to sparkle, making the girl curiosity peak. Moving through the shack she took notice of the cold damp ground beneath her, eyes taking careful note of all things as she moved slowly.

After a few silent moments a tiny sparkle on the ground caught the girls eyes, Bending down she ran her fingers over it a few times taking in the rough edges that lined the gem. As she picked the jewel up the light from outside the window shone through it, a faint green glow being cast down upon the girls feet. At that moment the footsteps that could be heard outside of the shack greatly out numbered the lack of noise just inside. The girl was so amused by the gem that even her breath had been held, a tiny whoosh being let out when she needed to get air.

The priceless gem that the child now held in her hand, moving round in small circles as it was observed, had once belonged to a well respected woman. Princess Alilah had once ruled the village of Salavari, but that was some twenty years since she had departed the village suddenly. All that was known to the young girl as well as others was that a cruel fate had befallen the young elf, And with that she had been cast out of the village with the knowledge that she was never to return to her home again.

A moments thought went out to the princess, as Aisha herself acted much the same as the other had done. Now bending to stand up Aisha turned her head from side to side, making careful note that she was still alone as her hand grasped tightly around the shard in her hands. Once Aisha was sure that she was along her hand moved down her pants, dropping the gem into her pocket, which she hoped would keep it safe until she could get across town to her home.

Being that Aisha was only ten years old, it was easy for her small body to slip between gaps of crowds as they were gathered together. Limber legs moved swiftly around the city, the large festival around her being ignored now that she had treasure. A few of the elves that she passed glanced in her direction as she approached, but it was a well known fact that Aisha was a carefree child doing and saying anything that she wished, whenever she wished. Because of this Aisha was able to move with ease, only being stopped when she ran into a larger male. Looking up the long legs, Aisha's gaze finally met those of her father as her body tumbled backwards onto the ground.

Small arms wrapped around her legs as she brought her figure together, her fingers wanting to wrap around the hidden shard, making sure it had not been lost. Glancing up once more to her fathers face however, put this on hold as his eyes were both cold and stern. Large hands crossed over his chest only moments before his booming voice could be heard.

"Aisha, What have I told you about your behavior?" One eyebrow rose quickly as he continued speaking, "Your mother and I are very disappointed in you, Continuously ignoring our pleas to becoming more social around the village. After all child, you know that you cannot bring bad luck to our family. Would you wish your mother and brother to be banished, simply because of your actions?" The large masculine body turned to face the child as he lowered his body, kneeling in front of her and offering one hand out in an effort to help her stand. The look of dislike was shown on Aisha's face as she looked to her father, taking his hand and standing quickly.

As soon as she was standing Aisha released her father's hand and stuck her nose in the air before speaking, "I am sorry! But I cannot be who I am not!" Swiftly the young one turned her back on her father, closing her eyes as she heard him let out a sigh. A smirk climbed the lips of the girl as she heard footsteps walking away from her, obviously not wishing to further discuss the situation her father had decided instead to walk away. After carefully dusting off her legs and looking around Aisha began skipping the short distance to her home. As she entered she made sure that her mother was not looking before rushing towards her bed side.

Reaching in she took the gem out of her pocket, running her thumb over the edges slowly and delicately. The rough outer edges suggested that this was nothing more than one part of something much bigger, possibly a center piece of a whole jewel. As she was finishing observing the object a noise came from outside of the shack. Clutching the shard in her hand she listened, hearing her father and mother as they were in the midst of an argument. Instantly the smile faded into a frown as Aisha heard what was being discussed between the two adults, the attitude and carelessness of herself! A tear formed at the corner of her eye, threatening to escape as she listened to this. All tears were halted immediately however as she listened to the all to familiar sigh from her father, meaning that once again he was walking away and leaving.

A small prayer could be heard leaving the lips of her mother as she entered the building, Lian clutching at her chest as she silently entered the shack. As she looked to her mother she caught the quick semi smile that her mother, Alexandria, tried to show before making her way towards the babies bassinet. Aisha watched as the baby was being placed into the bed her mother quickly beginning to pamper him, dressing and changing him with little to no effort. All of this taking little more than a few minutes before Lian was alone in his crib, Alexandria in the kitchen and tending to dinner. Aisha listened to a calm nursery that her mother had began singing, the music making her relax into her bed as she waited for dinner to be finished.

It had been many hours since dinner, Aisha now laying back in her bed as she heard her father, Devon, returning home. It quickly became obvious to Aisha that he had been drinking as the stench of alcohol filled the small shack. Alexandria had rushed to her husband's side as he arrived home, as was custom in their land, ushering him towards the table. Aisha watched through half closed eyes as her father was given his food, her eyes catching when one hand remained at his side, as if something important was being kept secretly in his pocket. Silently the child watched as her father ate, knowing that his current state could only mean that something was going to happen.

It was not often that her father drank, in fact it had been many months since the last time he had gone and drank. But everyone including Aisha knew that when this happened that it was not the time to act out, nor was it the time to make any other disturbances. Glancing towards Lian, Aisha took note that even the baby was quiet and sleeping peacefully in his bed.

It was not long after her father started eating that he had finished, the silence being broken as his plate slid across the wooden table slowly. As her eyes met her father once more she noticed the small envelope that he had taken out, and now had placed onto the table.

His normal booming voice was husky and deep as he spoke, "This is for you and the children, I will continue sending money back to support you all." Abruptly he stood up and his cold eyes glanced at Aisha as he continued speaking, "I will not have her ruin my reputation, neither will you speak of my leaving to anyone else." His eyes left and darted back to Alexandria as he faced her and spoke again, "You nor these children will cause any harm to me, you know what will happen if such a thing were to happen."

Confused Aisha watched as her father moved towards the doorway, her mother standing by the table crying as she stood alone. Turning to look at the door she stood up, Aisha was not one to let things go. Dating out the door she approached her departing father, taking his hand into hers as she looked up and into his face, the confused look showing in her features with the nearby lamp light sending a glow upon her face.


DP:


*~*Should she beg her father to stay, Promise not to misbehave ever again?*~*
*~*Should she look deeply into her fathers eyes, and tell him how she believes him to be a coward?*~*
~*~ Or ~*~
*~*Got a better suggestion for the outspoken, wild child?*~*

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Last edited by VenomousAngel on Thu Jul 19, 2012 9:34 pm; edited 14 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome to IF! Very Happy

Very interesting start with the story. I wonder if the shard holds any significance to the plot. Also, I'm not entirely clear where her father's going, but it was implied that Aisha believes he's leaving the family. From what little I know of the girl, she'd be angry about her father's decision. If her father still left, she'll sneak out and quietly follow him.

p.s. I've never seen that style of punctuation before, where you capitalise some words after a comma. Was that intentional, or a typo?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, The shard will hold significant importance later on in the story. And to answer the other question, It has always been in my writing style to capitalize after my comma's, Something that I have written with for many years now.

As far as the father goes, Yes he is leaving the family. As stated he wishes not to stay and fall in grace for Aisha's childish behavior, Of which the village does not approve of.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A warm welcome to IF for you Ven! I hope you enjoy your stay. Smile While reading your Prologue, I noticed a couple minor grammar/sentence structure things but I also wanted to advise you that on Prologues most SG authors don't put up a DP. They normally do the Prologue and then put Chapter 1 with a DP after it and I think the reason for that is it really helps the author to flesh out his or her setting for the tale and ground the readers into the story. That being said, you could either call this Chapter 1 on it's own or a Prologue, whichever you prefer, but you don't 'have' to have DP after a Prologue. Smile

Quote:
The year was 1873and a small gathering of people had already gathered in the town of Salavari.


Okay right here I'm spotting something that I really try to prevent in my own writing, RPing, what have you. Repitition, in this case the word 'gathering'. But also I'm noticing you're passing up some REALLY great opportunity to give a description of your setting to the readers. You can pad out this first sentence into a couple (or even a full paragraph if you're really talented) to draw in your readers.

Try something like this:


Quote:
A cold, foggy morning greeted the crowd of Salavari Elves who were doing nothing more than their normal early morning chores that fateful day in 1873. The ground was as unyielding in it's stoic nature as were the people that tramped across it day after day ... ect"


Now I know nothing about your setting or what the season or place is like, so that may be inaccurate but I'm sure you get what I'm saying. Give us the sights, sounds, smell, taste and touch experience with this world you're creating, because that is what you're doing when you open a SG or even a Linear tale. As I skim through the rest of your beginning here, I'm seeing repitition of words in several areas as well as the 'capitalization after a comma' that Sagi pointed out. I would definitely suggest you take a deep breath and go back through your story slowly, adding a little more here and there and switching out some repeated words for others.

I do have a question that may or may not fit to your tailoring of your story. Should we or should we not know that this little street urchin is a princess as of yet? It seems that it's rather secret except to her family. So maybe instead of her title, you could use her name/description. Flesh her and her family out a bit for us, paint the scene in our minds.

As for your DP, I'd say if he's a drunkard, they're all better off with him gone and out of the way. Let him go and just attempt to behave yourself.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome, Welcome!! I hope you find the City to your liking. There is a lot to explore.

I see this SG being able to go in lots of different directions, and that's definitely a good thing. Going with Lil's thought, there were grammatical errors, and the repetition stuck out to me in a couple of places, but overall, I think this is a fantastic start. After all, that's what this site is all about: sharing and improving your writing.

For your DP, I'd say that given what little we know about this girl's personality, she's not one who would admit that his leaving bothers her. I'd say she tells him to do what he feels he must, and watch him leave.

Again, welcome to the City!! If you need anything feel free to ask for help!
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aisha is not actually a princess at this moment, As this moment in the story she is nothing more than a villager. A curious child whom cares nothing of what the villagers think of her actions, only seeking out that which she sees as entertaining and not what others wish her to be. Whether or not I wish to admit to her becoming or not becoming the princess is the true question.

As stated, I do wish this to be the prologue. However, This prologue is just a glimpse into the history of thing, Indeed it will show the city as I wish it to be shown. Many things are not told, that will be told within the next chapter or two, Not to worry on that factor. At this point I wished to flesh her father out, and her mother.. Sort of like show the scene as it is at the home front, Which is exactly how I portrayed her father and mother, the small baby being another of the more secretive characters to be described more at a later date of course.


Thank you three for the kind welcome, and please if you notice anything, Dont hesitate to let me know! I wish to grow and get back into my writing, *Cringes* Grammar was never my top subject, Pardon any that I have not fixed but do not hesitate to point them out so that I may realize them in the future.

I will allow another day or so, and then I will put a poll up for a few days.. Already excited about the second part of this Prologue and cannot wait to post it up!

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

multi-chapter prologue, huh? unusual, but not a bad thing, I suppose. =)
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ven! Glad you decided to give IF a try, and I hope you find the site both enjoyable and beneficial, as I have since I joined. Smile


Sorry it's taken me a few days to get to this, but better late than never. Wink You have a very promising start herE, I have to say. There are some intriguing elements in this first part of your prologue, and ones that I look forward to finding out more about in future chapters when the story really starts to get going.


Okay, as others have pointed out already, there are some grammatical and repetition errors. Though I haven't listed all, I have given some examples below and some suggestions for the repetition to help vary it out a little. Hope you're okay with this, as this is the way I critique all Sgs that I read on IF, and it's done to help the author in question improve their writing in the manner that others helped me when I first joined, and still continue to.

Right, I'll start with the repetition first...

Quote:
It was a warm sunny day in the year of 1873 and the elves of Salavari had already joined together for the annual festival of the ages. Many young and old elves where talking amongst themselves, as well as some randomly speaking to everyone in the area. In a little shack off the edge of the town a small young elf was huddled all by herself a lone shard in her hands being flipped back and forth through her fingers. Every few moments the sun would glint in through the fabric of the window and send tiny slivers of light glimmering through the shard. All sorts of footsteps could be heard outside the shack, but inside it was so quiet one could even hear the whistle on the wind as it made its way through the broken windows. The shard that the child had held in her hand had once belonged to thePrincess, Although there had not been a princess in these parts for twenty some years now. A cruel fate had befallen the young princess, and she was sentenced out of her village, as well as told never to return to this place she had been raised in since childhood. A smile curved the child's lips as she stood up, peering around herself to make sure she was alone before letting her hand clasp around the shard tightly. Once the shard was hidden from all sight she slid it into her pocket, where she hoped it would remain hidden until she return to her small tent across the town. At her current age she could easily slip by all of the other elves in the city, Her body moving effortlessly beneath her as she raced through the city. The entire festival would be overlooked, as treasure had been found and needed to be placed in her sacred chest. Many people knew that the child was a carefree spirit, that she often did things on her own and didn't enjoy the company of others. It was this that helped her to move more easily, up until she ran into a particularly large male her face smacking into his upper legs as she bumped him and sending her tumbling to the ground beneath herself. 


Okay, I've used only the first paragraph to give the examples, though the issue also exists in the others as well. Now, repetition is something that I guarantee everyone on the site is guilty of, or has been at one time or another. I myself do it all the time, and, as I've told friends on IF during chat or other crits, I personally have to read through my chapters 5 or 6 times, sometimes more, in order to eliminate the errors in this area. And even then, I sometimes manage to miss them.

The big thing with repetition of words is that it really breaks the flow of a story. It's something that is highly noticable when reading through a chapter, and it really is the main thing I look out for when writing myself or reading others. It is a lot easier to see the errors in anothers writing than it is ones own though, so please don't feel bad about it.

Right, I've quoted the paragraph above and marked out two words that stuck out most for me, 'shard' marked in red and 'princess' marked in blue. Now, starting with 'shard' I was going to give examples that you could use instead, but as it is, I'm not entirely sure what the shard actually looks like to enough of a degree to be able to give said examples. From your descriptions, I'm getting a vision of a small piece of glass or crystal, but I'm not sure which, or even if it is either. Going back to what Lil was saying about adding extra descriptive writing to set the scene, you could kill two birds with one stone here. Use small amounts of description rather than the word 'shard' for a couple of the entries. Also, something like 'her treasure' might be useful to slip in there somewhere.

With the repetition of 'princess' one of them can be eliminated immediately...

The shard that the child had held in her hand had once belonged to the Princess, although there had not been one in these parts for twenty some years now

...With that one eliminated, the flow is already much better.


Something else that I've noticed repeated a lot throughout is the use of 'the child' or 'the mother', or similar others. Granted it's necessary in the first paragraph, as we don't know Aisha's name, but once we do, it's far less jarring to just use her name, or 'she/her'. CrunchyFrog actually wrote about such a thing recently in a critique of another SG - http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=151632#151632 - It's amongst the last few posts in the thread. I'd suggest reading it, as it makes an awful lot of sense. It would also give you a chance to build slightly on the characters of the mother and father, giving them names perhaps and making them more solid and real.


I would also suggest breaking up your paragraphs a little, as these large slabs of text can be a little daunting to readers.


There are a few grammatical errors throughout, main one being capital after a comma, which is unnecessary unless used for a name/place. Like you, grammar was never a brilliant subject for me, but I have gotten SO much better since joining IF. Stick at it, girl. I promise that, from experience, it does sink in eventually. Smile


Putting all of that aside, the premise of the story is a promising one, and I'll be following in the future. The idea of a multi-chapter prologue is unusual, as Andi stated, but not necessarily bad. From experience in multiple part/dp chapters though, I know that it's a little more difficult than the usual one part dp, as you then have to make sure you get all of the multiple decision points into the next chapter, but the challenge is certainly worthwhile, and very likely helps to build ones writing skills. Wink

For your DP...I'm with Andi completely. Aisha strikes me as being an independantly-minded tough girl, and I think she'd keep her emotions to herself. Whether inside it upsets her or not, she'll just let him go.


Welcome again, and I look forward to reading more! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Tika! I have taken and fixed tons of things in the story, Which I hope make it sound tons better! Also, Added in the family names a bit.. Just not too much more about the mother or other child yet.. Those I wish to speak more about at a later chapter, As this one mostly focused around Aisha and Devon.

Keep them Crits coming, Only way Ill get better ladies and Gents!

*Smirks and waves* I check back regularly, And love reading what you all have to say to help me! Thank you once more!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The layout and repetition is very muched improved, Ven! Thumbs Up

And voted!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And we have a decision for the first DP, The next chapter will be up this afternoon sometime or possibly the evening! Thanks for the votes everyone!


DP Results:

Should she look him in the eye, tell her what she must, and watch him walk away?


******Sorry for the delay, This chapter will be written within the next two days. Rest assured that it will make up for the lack of attention I have shown this thread!*****


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 4:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

**As promised lovelies, Hope you enjoy! Already have part three coming along, Just awaiting a decision from my lovely audience! Blows kiss and disappears into smoke**

Chapter Two - Sugar coat it Momma


With both hands holding her father's one hand she stared into his eyes as he looked back to her and spoke softly, her voice held no sort of caring. All of the sentiment and thought was void from the child, her voice as if a mechanical being was speaking instead of a young girl, "You cannot change who you are, Neither can you change who you are not!" With that her hands dropped from his hand and she turned her back to him and began walking away. With her back to him he swayed back and forth, watching the Aisha as she entered the shack and ran a hand through his hair once and then let them drop to his sides. Walking now with his head held high, the evening darkness cloaking his figure allowing him to be secluded from all the eyes that were on the streets that lonely evening.

As Aisha entered the home she flicked her eyes up to her mother, taking care to catch her emotions to decide what she would say and do from there. Noting that her mother was taking the brave side of things now, tears all dried up and a small smile even curled her lips as she kissed the smallest of the children upon the forehead. Taking careful strokes upon his cheeks with her thumb as she hummed an ever sweet lullaby. As she noticed Aisha she merely waved an arm at the child, calling her forth to sit beside her and the baby. Needing and wanting her mother she eagerly walked over and leaned into the open arm awaiting her and crawled her body against her as she closed her eyes.

The trio sat like this for an hour before both children were asleep in her arms, Smiling Alexandria picked her youngest up first careful not to let the other tip over to far before standing up with the other. Walking over slowly to the crib she first planted a kiss upon the child's forehead before she lovingly placed it in its bed for the night. Looking back she let a laugh escape her lips as she looked upon the other, hands curled into a prayer position as she slept. Taking her time she approached the girl and with some effort managed to pick the ten year old up and carry her over to her bed as well. Once more she kissed the child on the forehead stroking the hair back from her face as she began laying the child down to bed. Lifting the covers with one hand and getting the girl completely in bed with the other.

Standing and finally all alone once more she turned to what used to be a loving home and sighed softly. Instead of crying like any other would do, Alexandria held her head high and approached the master bed. Smoothing back the sheets she looked down at the bed once before moving into it and turning her back to face the children, the whole other side of the bed being completely ignored as if it was not bothering her at all, More like it was not there at all. Sleep claimed the woman at the same pace as her children, and though she had a bit of trouble with her dream cycle she remained firm and strong, determined that she would act as if nothing had gone wrong.

--------------------------------------------------

Dawn broke early in the small village of Salavari, a faint breeze swept through as if a whisper upon the wind. Many villagers had missed the evening events, all busy with their current events inside their own homes. However once man in particular had viewed the father that evening, and had even made a deal with him. Standing and watching the small tent from a distance he looked onwards, his black cape swirling in the wind as he stood stiffly. His eyes caught every movement within the tent as the children and the mother woke for the morning and began preparing for the day to come.

Alexandria had awoken first, and was now standing in the kitchen preparing fresh batter to make a batch of cookies. The first child up was Lian, a faint laugh escaping the child's lips as he awoke and began playing with the small toys that had been placed in his crib upon Alexandria waking up. A smile crept upon the woman's lips, although she continued with her preparations listening in only on the child as he played in the crib a few feet behind her. As the cookies began to take actual form of cookie dough Aisha finally entered the kitchen with her mother. Stifling a yawn with the back of her hand before speaking softly a hand moving to the counter to lean on it, "Cookies Mama, What kind are you making?" A smile always claimed the girls mouth when she was around cookies, even the unbaked kind.

Looking over to the young one Alexandria smirked before speaking, "I was thinking sugar cookies, I happen to remember that those are a certain child's favorite!" With that she moved a flour covered finger and placed it on the tip of the nose, laughing softly as she went back to making the cookies into small balls. Aisha moving closer moved her hands into the dough and began to circle little designs along the tops of the cookies as Alexandria had set them into the needed shape and size. Enjoying the cute mother daughter cooking almost would seem as if the pair truly had just overlooked everything from the previous evening, Instead like brave women carried on without a care in the world.

Finally it became breakfast time, the baby letting out a cry for his bottle. Alexandria setting the cookies in the oven hummed to the young-ling as she went to set his bottle, Scooting the child from the house she nodded and spoke softly, "Just stay clear of trouble Aisha darling, Can you do that for momma?" She smiled and nodded, and turned around sure of her daughter or seemingly care free of the matter as she began tending to Lian.

Aisha darted out of the tent, a smile on her face as she stopped just outside of the tent. Brushing the hair back from her face she looked side to side and then back before darting off towards the hidden spot where she had found the gem the previous evening. Wanting to look for further parts of the treasure she skipped quickly as she advanced towards the other side of the small village. The breeze blew her hair backwards as she skipped, her face lit up with happiness as she moved with little effort. The cloaked figure had not missed her departure from the tent, and had also followed the girl careful to stay out of her eyesight so that he could simply watch her for the time being. They would meet someday, But today would not be the day, In fact it would be set off til eight or more years before he would actually announce his presence. A small fragment of a gem played in his hands, careful to shift it and not break it in his powerful grip.

A smirk crossed the mans lips as he knew where the girl was going, instead of rushing behind her he took his time to follow with great stealth and pride in each of his long legged strides. His large green eyes spotted her the moment he got closer to the broken down shack, With a powerful leap he was atop the building, but his land was silent as if he had not touched down at all. Looking down through a crack in the ceiling he made time to drop yet another fragment into the shack, before saying a silent prayer. With that he jumped from the building, and with great speed seemed to have disappeared completely from sight.

Aisha made it to the shack and looked all around herself before going inside, Careful to slip in without a noise so that she could have all the time that day to explore the area. Scanning the dimly lit area her icy blue eyes caught sight of a familiar shimmer off to the middle of the shack. Darting over and landing on her knees she fell in front of it grasping it in two tiny fingers and holding it up. Examining it carefully she let a soft sigh escape her lips as she felt around it, this one like the first held many different curves and places where others belonged attached to it. Letting a laugh escape her lips she placed it into her palm and raised it up into the air, Smiling brightly she stood to her feet and looked only to her hand for a moment as she was clearly distracted, with finding another piece so quickly.

The small laughter had been heard by a passing by soldier, Sliding a peek into a window he spotted the girl in the shack all alone. Eyes went wide as he caught her acting crazily, Looking through the window for a few more minutes before moving to the doorway and making his presence known. Aisha once known she was spotted carefully placed her hands both in her pockets and backed away from the man, Back against the wall she looked around for an exit. As she looked the man spoke in native tongue to her, a language she had yet to learn so the girl had no clue at all what he was saying, but she also knew that she didn't belong inside this building.


DP:


*~*Should she watch the soldier grow closer, and at the last second dart passed him and run to hide?*~*
*~*Should she stay back and let him capture her and possibly get her mother in trouble as well as herself?*~*
~*~ Or ~*~
*~*Got a better suggestion for the outspoken, wild child?*~*

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

****Bump Ladies and Gentleman! Hope to get a response in before tomorow afternoon, If not I will simply write up the next chapter!*****
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! Welcome to IF! I didn't read the first chapter before you made the edits, but I've got some additional thoughts on it if you're still looking for critique.

I'll give a DP suggestion for the second chapter in a seperate post. (probably later today) Smile

Your grammar and punctuation, although not awful by any means, does need some sharpening up. One area you could look at is your use of passive voice. An example of passive voice is:

The house was being redecorated.

Active voice: Joe was decorating the house.

The active voice brings us closer to the action, and it also 'shows' us what's happening rather than 'tells' us.

For example:
Quote:
In a little shack off the edge of the town a small young elf was huddled all by herself
We only find out later that she's trying to hide what she has in her hand through her actions during the rest of the chapter. Think about how you can 'show' how she's trying to hide it by describing the act of huddling, rather than 'telling' us she was huddled.

Now here, you use active voice very well.
Quote:
A smile curved the child's lips as she stood up
- the visual is immediate here. It shows so much with just one sentence. That is good, strong writing.

That's not to say that passive voice doesn't have its place, it's just knowing when to use it. As a general rule of thumb, think about what the most important thing is you want to get across to the reader. (i.e., is knowing who is redecorating the house more important than the fact it is being redecorated?)

Another area is commas.

We all have trouble with commas now and then. Either too many, too few or just all in the wrong place. I found some instances where you need to look at your commas. Here is an example:
Quote:
It was this that helped her to move more easily, up until she ran into a particularly large male her face smacking into his upper legs as she bumped him and sending her tumbling to the ground beneath herself.
A comma is needed after 'male'. This is also a very long sentence - you could end it at 'legs' and then show her tumbling to the ground in the next sentence.

There were a few sentences that seemed a bit clumsy. For example:
Quote:
Little was not shown about the child's dislike for being treated in such a manner, But she did take the hand up that he had offered to her.
This was confusing - did you mean 'little was shown'? Or did you mean that she showed it a lot that she disliked being treated that way? (although if that was the case the next phrase starting with 'but' wouldn't make sense)

Consistency - her father's name changes from Delvon to Devon

I find it a good idea to read the work out loud to catch mistakes like these. (I actually read your chapter out loud today to catch some of these examples!)

One more thing that I want to point out is again, grammatical.
Quote:
Aisha not one to let things go leaped from the bed and approached her father, Taking a hand into hers she looked up at her father.


Here, you need a comma after 'Aisha' and after 'go'. This sentence is fragmented; it needs either to be split into two sentences or rewritten. I'm not fond of providing alternative suggestions because it's your writing, but here I'm going to, to at least give an idea of what I mean.

Aisha, not one to let things go, leaped from the bed and approached her father. Taking a hand into hers she looked up at him.

or

Not being one to let things go, Aisha leaped from the bed, took her father's hand into hers and looked up at him.

And now... *deep breath* you may not like this...

Capitalising after a comma isn't standard recognised grammar although I've seen it occasionally as a stylistic thing, usually in poetry. While you say it's your writing style to do this, you don't do it consistently. When you do, it is appearing in sentences that already have other grammatical mistakes in them. The existing mistakes are making this style look like just another punctuation error rather than a mark of your individualism.

My advice would be to stop capitalising after commas for now until you've got a handle on the rest of your grammar and punctuation. Even then, think carefully about how, when and why you would use it.

The plot itself (as far as I can tell from this introduction) is promising, and the hook at the end was enough for me to want to go on and read the next, so that's good.

I hope this critique was of some use to you and will be back soon!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For the DP in Chapter 2, I'd say she should run straight away, but not to run home. That would lead him to her family.

There were a number of errors in the second chapter that made for a difficult read. If you want further critique, just shout!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there CF, Many of the things you pointed out have already been fixed. For example, I made sure to go back and fix the comma issue with capitalizing after each one. As well, I would like to say that most sentences you mentioned belonged being a bit confusing, As I had written them.

Grammar has never been a strong suit of mine, Although I do believe that I get my point across in my sentences as I type them. I do re-read my work a few times before posting them, And If you got opinions to share about anything go ahead and share them away. I love that you are being helpful, and will definitely use anything that is truly wrong.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work on the second DP, Ven!

For DP, definitely try to escape. Aisha is definitely not the kind of child who'd just let herself get caught. Razz
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

**Both decisions where the same from you two that answered, so skipped the poll and straight into the next chapter!**

Chapter Three - Run, Run like the Wind



The soldier clad in a green uniform and hat kept moving towards Aisha, speaking in native tongue quickly as he drew closer and closer. Aisha's eyes darted from one side of the room to the other before spotting a small hole in the wall in the back corner of the shack. This was small enough for a child to squeeze through quick enough, but a larger adult would not be able to fit through it at all. Just as the man reached a few feet from her, Aisha darted for her destination. Not stopping until she was out of the hold, and then only briefly to look around to see where to go next. In a matter of seconds she had chosen to go to the left, a small path leading into the forest lay ahead of her. Racing quickly now, her small heart nearly beating out of her chest as she increased speed upon seeing that she was once again being followed. Upon getting into the forest she instantly tripped upon a stump, falling to her face and bruising up her cheek a bit on the hard stony ground beneath herself.

A tiny hand reached to her ankle however as it was burning and stinging, Gripping it only for a moment before trying her best to stand back up again. With a hobble she was able to continue running though her speed was greatly reduced as she couldn't put too much pressure on that ankle. Unknown to the child, the ankle had quickly took to swelling and had a knot around the ankle that was growing with each step taken. Spotting a thick patch of ferns, Aisha stumbled over to them, dropping down behind them to rest her aching body. At the sound of footsteps drawing nearer to her hiding place, she shrank her body into itself, drawing her arms and legs closer in order to make herself smaller and easily hidden by the leafy protrusions that surrounded her. A small tear came down her cheek as she put a hand to her ankle, which was curled into her lap now, rubbing her hands over the ankle slowly in circles. As she looked through the gap between the vines it was obvious the man had followed her thus far, however he now stood running one hand through his hair as he was obviously puzzled.

After a few minutes the soldier took back to the path that they had taken to get into the woods, mumbling in his native tongue as he walked. Aisha watched him until she could see him no longer before crawling back out of the ferns. Looking around she saw the beautiful scene around herself before letting a small smile creep to her lips. A small creek was behind where she was perched, and the sunlight was shining down into the water through the leaves of the tall trees making it shimmer and sparkle. Drawn to the waters edge for a drink Aisha moved slowly, taking a hand to her leg as she moved forwards. Upon reaching it the girl sat down at the edge, sliding her ankle out of her shoe and into the cool water. With the water running along her foot being cool it started working on the swelling a bit, comforting the small child as she continued to look around the forest.

Ten minutes were spent gazing around the forests, eyes catching everything from the low growing ferns all the way to the tall oak trees above her. Grass grew in patches in this area leaving most to a soft brown dirt patch. Laying back on the patch of grass beneath her she looked up, eyes scanning the tree top above her. Clouds shown above her, clear that it was not going to stay a nice day. Leaning up she retrieved her ankle from the water and placed the small shoe back on her foot before standing. Gazing back at the entrance she wondered if it was being guarded, Moving cautiously towards it eyes concentrated around all her surroundings.

Small eyes had indeed caught sight of the Aisha, but for now the woman remained hidden as she simply gazed upon her. As the Aisha grew closer the figure leapt up and into the trees, a small giggle escaping the lips of the cloaked woman as she sat back on a branch above the child. Aisha froze in her spot when she heard the laughter, looking around frantically before walking backwards a bit. The close proximity of the laughter was evident that it was close, although Aisha had not seen any movement around her as she had moved. Off to the left a foul smell crept into the air, Aisha began to move towards it slowly. Shivers raced up the girls arms and she grasped them together rubbing them as she advanced. When she reached a fern she pulled it aside, only to leap backwards shutting it quickly. With her eyes sealed shut tightly a scream escaped the girls lips.

Aisha backed hurridly away, feeling her body as it hit a solid mass behind her. Assuming it was merely a tree, she leaned against it, her body a-wrack with shivers at the shock of seeing the...the dead soldiers body. What was once a finely made suit now ripped and torn in various places, not to mention the blood that stained the ground just below his body. A circle of blood had pooled beneath his head, the trail leading from two small wounds in the mans neck.

Aisha was startled however as a hand snaked around her face, clamping firmly about her mouth. She tried to scream, raking at the ivory skin with fingertips in an attempt to remove the vice, but all she managed was a muffled squeak. Her eyes widened as she felt the chill coming off of the womans hand, felt the silent breath of her captor on her cheek.

“Dear child...” The voice was a raspy whisper in her ear, unfamiliar to her memory. “Do you not know that curiousity killed the kitten?” A harsh laugh followed, hollow and unfeeling, filling Aisha with dread as she struggled to escape the steel-like grip. The laughter came to a halt, and Aisha felt herself being spun around. She found herself face to face with a woman. Though her hair and person were covered in a long, hooded cloak, a gaunt face clad in pale skin, was the one thing the child took notice. Full lips, moist and red, were parted in a mirthless half smile, revealing two long fangs protruding from the pale woman's gums. And above them, bright red eyes regarded Aisha carefully, shining past the shadow of the hood in an unearthly fashion.

Aisha's fear grew as the smile widened, and a tongue flicked out of the woman's mouth to lap at her bloodied lips, adding to the strangely hungry expression on her visage.

“You shouldn't be here, you know,” the woman went on, reaching out a hand to stroke a lone finger down Aisha's cheek, making her flinch. “This isn't the place for a pretty little thing like you...”

Another laugh escaped, this one more darker and haunting as she grasped the child with both hands. With the steel grip holding her arms, just above the elbows, Aisha began being lifted from the floor of the forest. Tears filled the girls eyes as she was being lifted, fear of being killed out here creeping up quickly into the girls mind. The woman however was just teasing the child, playing cat and mouse as she then released the girl back to the ground and let her hands off of her completely. Smiling she looked to the child and leaned forward, her red hair coming out a bit from the hood as she spoke calmly, "Boo" The word was small enough, and used as a tease, but Aisha darted off backwards running for the exit as quick as her legs would allow her to.

As she got out of the forest she quickly moved further into the city, images of the woman now haunted her memories as she could still see the woman. Glancing ahead of herself she thought she saw the cloaked figure in front of herself, however upon blinking it was thought to be an illusion as nothing stood where the figure had been moments ago. Moving to the side of the village took much effort, entering her home she fell down in shock as she got to the sitting area. Small hands now grasped her arm making her jump, only to turn and see her shocked mother looking down upon her and tugging her towards her bed quickly. Alexandria skimmed her eyes over her daughter taking in her injuries and quickly assessing them and tending to her. Within a half hour the child was calmed and cleaned up, tucked into her bed and resting in the protection of her mothers arms.

--------------------------------------------

Just inside the forest two tall cloaked figures stood glancing upon each other, neither speaking at first although red eyes glared upon one another in dislike. A few moments passed before the man began to speak clearly and huskily, "I told you to leave this place Alilah!" His eyes skimmed over to where the body was hidden and he spoke again, "You hold no claim on this city, It belongs to me, That girl belongs to me!" His anger began to show as he advanced upon the woman, who was now laughing ironically. Hands wrapped around the mans neck as she spoke, "I promise you nothing, If you think I will leave my hometown you are more a fool than you believe. You may have saved me and given me a new lease on life, But you hold nothing on me!" One hand moved to his cheek, running a thumb over his lips as she spoke again, "You could share, you know how much i love when you share with me." She giggled and released him, moving back and leaping into a tree just as calmly as if she had done nothing out of the ordinary. Advancing towards the tree the man merely glanced up before speaking clear and firm, "Leave now and do not bother that child again!" With that he left the princess alone in the forest, waltzing back into the city before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. Alilah looked over his direction laughing darkly as he left and then speaking in a mere whisper that ran along the wind as the storm began, "Yes Master, I am sure I will do as you ask." Jumping from the tree and running, the woman's figure also disappeared within moments leaving the forest empty and silent.
----------------------------------------------------

Hours passed before the young girl awoke in her home, grasping the blankets as she awoke she looked around frantically for the first few moments. A tender hand rubbed along her left arm and a soft shushing was heard before Alexandria was spotted at the foot of the bed. With a cool calm voice she spoke softly, "You had me scared child, what with returning moments before the storm broke through." She ran another hand on the girls ankle, "And coming home with an injury like that, one could only imagine what you have been through." She had bandaged the girls ankle, as well as elevated it while she slept. The swelling had gone down, but the bruising had increased, clear proof that it was indeed a sprained ankle. Standing up Alexandria moved to grab some herbal tea, handing it to her daughter before speaking again, "Would you like to tell me what happened Aisha, and how on earth you got so injured?" Her steady gaze moved back down to the child's ankle, once more massaging it with her free hands as the girl began drinking her tea.



*~~~* DP *~~~*

*~~~* Should Miss Aisha tell her mother all of the truth, revealing the shards as well as the information about the forest? *~~~*

*~~~* Should she make up a story, telling her mother what she wished and keeping the rest to herself? *~~~*

*~~~* What should our little damsel do? *~~~*

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ven!

Firstly, this latest part of the prologue is much easier to read than the first was. Clearly you're taking on board the suggestions and applying them to your writing, and already it's looking far better. It's still not perfect, but who's is without a HELL of a lot of practise? Grammar, once learned, is almost like riding a bike. Generally it comes naturally when you know it, just with the odd pebble on the road jarring the smooth ride. But learning it in the first place can be a little complicated, I guess, and you're not alone with it not being your strong point I'm sure. CF's crit is brilliant though (she is enviably good at them Razz) and if you keep all of her advice in mind, you'll soon get to the point where it becomes a hell of a lot easier.

As for the growing storyline you have here, it's good. The lead character, Aisha, is strong of spirit, stubborn, brave and intelligent beyond her years, and it's clear that the world around her sets her right up to have a real adventure here.


I found a couple of bits'n'bobs that stuck out for me...


Quote:
The soldier clad in a green uniform and hat kept growing closer to the girl, speaking in native tongue quickly as he moved in closer.


The double usage of 'closer' here is jarring. As it's already established that the soldier is drawing nearer to Aisha, there's the option to simply eliminate on of them, or you could exchange on of them for another word or phrase. For example...

The soldier clad in a green uniform and hat kept moving towards Aisha, speaking in native tongue quickly as he drew closer and closer.

The double usage of 'closer' here is fine, as it actually adds slight tension to the phrase.


Quote:
With a hobble she was able to continue running, her speed was greatly reduced however as she couldn't put too much pressure on that ankle.


This needs to either be split into two sentences or modified slightly.

With a hobble she was able to continue running. Her speed was greatly reduced however as she couldn't put too much pressure on that ankle.

or something like...

With a hobble she was able to continue running though her speed was greatly reduced as she couldn't put too much pressure on that ankle.


Quote:
With these injuries hurting her she stumbled behind a patch of ferns, crawling beneath them and shrinking her body to itself so that she could get hidden inside of the ferns.


Now here, as indicated, there's the double usage of 'ferns' in the same sentence. But this is a brilliant opportunity to bring a little embellishment into it. By eliminate on of the 'ferns' and replacing it with a piece of descriptive writing instead, you're bringing to life the environment around Aisha more. The sentence has the potential to be a very good one. The description of Aisha shrinking into herself is very well done and I get a real picture of her actions and form.

Spotting a thick patch of ferns, Aisha stumbled over to them, dropping down behind them to rest her aching body. At the sound of footsteps drawing nearer to her hiding place, she shrank her body into itself, drawing her arms and legs closer in order to make herself smaller and easily hidden by the leafy protrusions that surrounded her.

It's not ideal, but you see what I mean. Such a sentence is easily built upon to set the scene better. Smile

There are a few more repetitions like this throughout the chapter, and they can be use in much the same way as this one. Just something to keep in mind.


Quote:
Small eyes had indeed caught sight of the small girl, but for now the woman remained hidden as she watched the girl. As the girl grew closer the figure leapt up and into the trees, a small giggle escaping the lips of the cloaked woman as she sat back on a branch above the child.


The first and third sets of words marked in red can be changed to Aisha. As CF pointed out in another SG recently, it is a lot easier to get away with multiple usage of a name or he/she than it is to use a descriptive phrase over and over. There are a few too many such phrases throughout the chapter, but this part stood out for me personally.


For the dp, I'm going to say that Aisha tells her mother about the occurences in the forest, at least. Not so sure about the shard, as for now that seems to be harmless enough (though I have no doubt that will change Wink), but the incident with the woman in the forest and whatever it was she saw behind those ferns most definitely should be told to Alexandria.


Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Tika dear, although.. Not to sure a ten year old would tell her mother that she saw a dead body.. Let alone that she met a strange woman, that had blood coming from her lips. *Smirks* Anyone else got any ideas?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would say yes, tell mother the truth. Perhaps Alexandria would be able to give some insight into who the man is perhaps? Who knows.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 10:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Muahahaha... Only I know who that mans is! And trust me ladies and gents, His true identity will not become known for some time now. However, we will be seeing a bit more of that shard, as well as Princess Alilah! Thanks for the response Lil dear!
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After what she has experienced, I don't know how she can explain it to her mother. She can try, but I wonder if her mother will believe her. However, I also believe the events shook her up enough such that she'll tell her mother how what happened in the forest, as Tika suggested.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright ladies and Gents, A new chapter will be placed up for Destiny's Entertwined. I wish to see all of your crits and advice on this next one, Happy SGing everyone!
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

**Much anticipated chapter four, Watch out Ladies and Gents! Will be letting this stew for a week, then poll for another week.. Get them Crits in Ladies and Gents! Blows kiss and disappears into smoke**


Chapter Four:


Aisha thought long and hard, leaving silence in the shack as she processed what she should tell her mother. Looking down into her tea and watching it swirling around reminded the girl of the beautiful river and how it flowed so nicely. A smile came to Aisha's lips before she started speaking, "I saw the most beautiful river in the forest momma, you wouldn't believe how clear and swiftly it was running." Alexandria shot a hand up to stop the child before she continued on and spoke again, "I wish to know about this ankle, and how you got into the forest to begin with. Please Aisha, start from the beginning of things." She laughed softly, knowing the child's excitement was probably what was stopping her from telling the whole story.

Aisha gulped softly before speaking again, "I was walking through the village, I saw a very strange man for only a moment. When i looked back he wasn't there, as if he simply vanished or something." She laughed about that part before making hand signals, showing a puff and making a whoosh to demonstrate her point better before she spoke about what happened, "A soldier appeared in front of me" She looked up at her mother as she began speaking more rapidly now, acting frightened, "He chased me, all the way into the forest. I tripped over a rock, and thats when my foot started hurting me. I was so afraid momma, that I just got up and continued hobbling until i could hide under this really leafy bush. I was able to fit all the way under it, my body and all tucked all up under it, Like this!" She brought her legs up to her chest and wrapping both arms around it before giggling and speaking again, "It was so cool, I want to go see that bush again, Maybe you and Lion could," She stopped speaking releasing her legs and jerking forward as she spoke again, "That's where I saw that river, It was so beautiful and cool, Can we go to the river momma?" At this point the child had both feet off of the bed swaying them until her ankle gave a pain, Jerking it back up and wincing moving her body so that it sat back against the wall, "Will my ankle be okay momma?" She rose an eyebrow curiously towards Alexandria.

Alexandria laughed softly standing up to pat her daughters head and prop her foot back up before speaking again, "My child, You are going to just sit here and relax for the evening. I will get dinner prepared and bring you some to bed, I want that ankle to stay up so that the swelling will go down." She rose her eyebrow and gave a serious face, "Understood Miss Aisha?" Patting her on the head once more she then laughed and moved back away from the bed.

-------------------------------------------

Evening had passed and Aisha now lay sleeping as well as Lion, Alexandria was sitting up in her bed. A worried expression shown on her brow as she thought over the declining amount of food and supplies in the home. The money remained in the envelope that she had received, untouched just as Devon had left it the night he left. A tear threatened her eye as she thought of her husband, making her ball up her fists. Wiping at her eyes she sighed before laying back in the bed, closing both eyes and thinking of only her children. Several silent moments passed before the woman fell asleep, arms tucked in around herself as she slept restlessly.

------------------------------------------------

Aisha was the first to hear Lion as he awoke the next morning, moving to her brothers crib she leaned over it and spoke to the child, "Hey there little brother, sure is quiet here this morning aint it?" She laughed as her brother grabbed hold of her one finger with two of his own, intending to draw the finger down and into his mouth. Wiggling his hand all around she laughed some more before she heard her mother waking, looking up towards Alexandria she waved her brothers hand around, "Here comes momma and breakfast brother, It wont be long now." Aisha's face was filled from ear to ear with a smile, the young childs face also being alight with pleasure when Alexandria came over with a bottle for the baby. Running one hand through Aisha's hair and the other propping the bottle up for Lion. After getting the baby all changed and settled she began getting breakfast started, the smell of bacon and eggs swirled around in the shack as the food was near being finished.

Aisha laughed softly from the table as she swung her legs under the table, a fork in one hand as she watched her mother cooking. It was only a few more minutes before the food reached the table, and the pair began to eat together. Aisha had only taken a few bites before looking up to her mother, "Momma, Is daddy ever gonna come back?" She rose an eyebrow but continued eating, unaware as to what extent those words had hurt Alexandria. Silence was the answer as Alexandria stood from the table, sliding her plate to the center and moving towards one of the windows facing the village.

Tears were now falling down her face as she glanced out at all the other happy families sitting and playing just outside of her window. Gulping she swallowed down a sigh that was tempted to escape her lips before looking back to her daughter. The tears were evident enough, but Alexandria shook softly before speaking, "I don't think so, Not this time Aisha." She then turned back away from her daughter, tears and sobs taking over her body. Moments passed as her body slid down the nearest wall leaving the woman sitting against it eyes closed as she let the moment pass.


-----------------------------------------

Two Months later:

Soldiers had increased in the village, as well as around the outer extent of the village after the death of one of their own. Aisha had been asked by Alexandria to remain out of trouble, with that being said the search for shards had been put on hold. Quietly the children had played indoors together, Lion crawling around now after his sister along the dirt floor. Laughter could be heard at all times of the day in the tiny shack, suggesting that things had indeed began to look up for the small family of three. Checks had arrived for the last two months regularly as well as packages of toys for the children. Small notes had always been attached for Alexandria, the fine font suggesting that they were from Devon. Each time they had been sealed inside a small box and placed under the bed, Obviously unread and unattended to.

------------------------

A small knock on the door, swift and calm sounded through the house. A quick leap in Alexandria's chest made her want to believe it was her husband, that he had returned for their family and all things would return to normal. However when she opened the door she faced an elderly man, clad in green uniform. A hand held the door opened as he examined behind her and spoke clear and gruff, "I'm sorry ma'am, But we need to have a look in your home. We have it to believe that your child could have had something to do with the death of one of our members. Her footprints as well as fingerprints were lifted from the scene, and we must speak with her privately down to the station."

Alexandria gulped and stared at the man crowding her doorway, trying her hardest to think of something to say to help her daughter. Aisha had proclaimed being in the forest, and that she had been chased by a soldier. Sighing she closed her eyes and said a silent prayer as she moved out of the soldiers way, the man calling the girl forward and holding a hand out. Aisha looked over the soldier and spoke softly, her voice a soft whisper, "Did i do something momma, Am I being sent from the village?" Tears clung inside Alexandria's eyes, however she did not have time to answer before the soldier leaned down on his knee and spoke, eyes now looking into Aisha's, "I'm sorry Miss, but you will have to come with me." Nothing more was said as she was taken from the home, the young girls eyes looking back at her mother as she was tugged forward and out of the village, sadness and confusion laced in them deeply.

As the door of the shack closed Alexandria stood looking out the window, her nose pressed against the glass of the window as a tear fell down her cheek. Could her daughter possibly have killed a man, and then kept it silent from her? So much had happened these last two months, maybe she had lost control of her daughter. With the soldiers now holding and questioning her, could the child be taken from the village and her family? Would Lion and herself ever see her again? A million to one thoughts raced through the mothers mind as the sound of crying brought her back to reality. Rushing to her sons side she quickly swept him up into a hug, looking back to the door and praying silently as she rocked Lion to comfort the child, as well as herself.


DP:


*~*Will the Soldiers pin the murder on Aisha, Sending her out of the village and away from her family?*~*
*~*Will the Soldiers question the girl, try to get information.. However Aisha remain silent not trusting the soldiers?*~*
~*~ Or ~*~
*~*Will we see the mysterious duo return back onto the scene, Saving the child from the soldier before he gets back to the station?*~*

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 10:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Ven! Good work with the new chapter! I'm not very experienced in giving criticisms, but I'll try anyway. Hopefully I don't end up stepping on any toes! Here goes...

1. I noticed the capitalisation after the comma is back. It disappeared in the previous chapters, so I wasn't sure if this time it's intentional, or an old habits thing.

2. Generally, when writing out dialogues, it's easiest for the reader if we break into a new paragraph every time someone else is speaking, so that you only have one person's spoken part per paragraph. You'll end up with many paragraphs, but that's fine. Readability matters most when structuring.

3. The characterisation of Aisha felt disconnected from the previous chapter, in my personal humble opinion which could be wrong. How I perceived it: she was terrified not too long ago, but when recollecting the story, she giggled her way through it, which is a bit confusing. Unless, her curious reaction is a part of the plot?

4. This point is made while unsure on what the justice system in that world is like...so for now, I'm using our world's justice system as a reference: I find it a bit sudden for everyone to suspect a young, tiny child to be involved in a murder. Some physical evidence that tied Aisha to that location exists, I know, but it's quite odd that the soldiers and her mother would go to "the child might be the killer" instead of "the child is in the wrong place and time" scenario first. Are children in that world so dangerous?

I hope that's helpful! If not, then I guess I'll have to work on my criticising skills.

For DP, I'm curious about the two characters. Let's see them. Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there Sagi, and thanks for responding. I appreciate any and all comments/suggestions.

As for the capital after coma thing, I was pretty sure that i went back and fixed those.. However upon looking on the forum i myself spotted a few that I had missed as well, Thanks!

About Aisha, Shes a ten year old... Most ten year olds get distracted and caught off gaurd with things they enjoy. She generally loved the water and the river and was simply overjoyed with those aspects, which may have made her a bit more child like than previous chapters. However, we all must remember that shes just a child at this point!

As for the justice system, It is as its suggested.. anyone caught doing anything from the ordinary is sentenced and sent from the village. They even sent the princess from the village, Talk about terrible justice! *Giggles* Any who, They are the big kahunas.. And anything they say goes.. Pretty much the village just follows their rules and tries not to be sent from the village... All except for dear sweet Aisha here and the Princess ofcourse!

And atlast, as far as the speech in the paragraphs.. I never honestly thought that confusing, However if you all think that truly to benefit my writing I will keep it in mind (As well as fix it in the last chapter).

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

agree with Sagi on the points he made. lol

for the DP...i'm not really sure, to be honest...they have proof that she was there...but they dont have proof that she did anything wrong there. it's the woods. anyone could be there at any given time. any evidence they have is circumstantial. i say we just tell them what happened.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alrighty, So we got one vote for the second choice and another for the last decision.. Hmmm, Interestingly enough.. I honestly dont think you all understand the justice system at all... Hmm, Perhaps i will implify that more depending on the final decision.. Still waiting for two more weeks and that poll, Lets see them Crits and opinions Ladies and Gents!
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:05 am    Post subject: I think. . . . Reply with quote

While I find this a hard read in general with the writing style and grammar issues, I like the tale thus far and can't wait to read more. We got some capitol 'I's missing, as well as some random placed words I can't see to figure into thier sentances.

Our Heroin seems to have radically changed from the first chapter. I saw her as a much more solemn and knowledgable child, and now she seems to have gone completely childish. That may just be me, but hey. . . . .Also, from the readerrs point of view, things seem a little too. . . . . .How to put this. . . . . .There seems to be little mystery in the writing. Like when the girl is grabbed and lifted in the woods. Rather then giving us time to wonder if she'll be alright, you immediately move to the captors point of view and declair that she's just being toyed with. Takes a little fun out of it, for me at least.


Anyways, enough of me being picky Razz On to the DP. . . . . .Banishment seems to me to be just what we need to kick this story into gear, so I'ma go with banishment with company. Due to her age someone is recruted to go with her into banishment. Not her mother, someone who's not being punished persei, but someone who volenteers for the job. Someone older, maybe late teens.


That's my idea! Hua! Keep it up!
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, so.. Ive had a bunch of people telling me that this is hard to read.. But not many telling me as to why its hard to read (Specifically). I have gone and read through all that everyone had said previously and fixed it all up, Yet I still get the common phrase from everyone, 'Its hard to read'. Alright then, So.. Anyone wanna step up and tell me whats hard to read about it?? Would be kinda important if its to be fixed, to know exactly whats wrong with it..
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ven! Smile

I'll be reading and commenting on the latest chapter soon, but for now, I'm going to do my best to answer your question.


Now, I'm going to say right from the off, that you needn't feel bad about this in any way. We all have our problems when it comes to writing, and many of the writers on the site were considerably worse before coming here and being set on the right path by having said problems discussed and then working to fix them, myself included. The story in itself, from what I can gather so far, has a decent enough storyline.


In my opinion, the main issue with your writing, which makes it harder to read, is the slightly distanced/disjointed feeling one has to the characters. When one is reading a story, if they are to enjoy it and become engrossed, they need to feel a connection with the characters, whatever emotion that connection might consist of. For the hero/heroine, you need to want them to succeed, and pity them during their hardships, etc. For the bad guy in a story, you want them to fail, you feel hate and disgust towards them. You grow to somehow feel as though the characters are real people, if you get what I mean...really not sure if I'm saying this right. XD


Now, it's not that one feels the opposite towards your characters. I don't want Aisha to fail, and I don't want her enemies to win. It's more that one cannot make the connection in the first place to be bothered to will the girl on or vice versa with the others. I'm not all that good with tenses and the like so I can't back up what I'm saying with any actual grammar speak, but for much of your writing, rather than the point of view coming from the character, so that one can potentially feel what they're feeling, it reads more like the reader is an observer. Most of the time we're being told what is happening, but not being given any emotional connection to the character. We're told that they're scared/happy/angry, but it's not actually taken from the character's point of view much of the time. It makes it hard to relate to the characters, and grasp what they're truly going through. Description of how a person is feeling, rather than being merely told that it's what they're feel will help create a connection to the character. Generally you would only really do this with one character at a time rather than a couple. We'll take the following paragraph as an example...


Quote:
Backing into what she thought was a tree she began shivering, only to scream once more as a large hand curled around her lips. The hands that muffled her scream where accompanied by the woman from the tree, laughter now escaping her lips as she spoke in a whisper into Aisha's ears, "Dear child, Don't you know that curiosity killed the kitten?" Another laugh escaped her lips as she held the girl to her with a steel grip, turning her to face her as she spoke again, "You should have just left this place, this is not the place for a girl as pretty as yourself." A ivory white hand was running over the girls skin now as a set of red eyes roamed the child's face. Standing and letting Aisha over look her, it became apparent that this was not your average human. Long teeth sank down past her lower lip, a tongue flicking out to lick the blood from it as she watched herself being gazed upon.


Okay, now here, the point of view should be coming from Aisha. Any information in the paragraph should come from her point of view. You should be seeing the scene through Aisha's eyes, and also having a little added description in there to heighten the readers perception of how the little girl is feeling is going to work wonders. I'm going to try and rewrite the paragraph so that I can hopefully show you what I mean...


Aisha backed hurridly away, feeling her person hitting a solid mass behind her. Assuming it was merely a tree, she leaned against it, her body a-wrack with shivers at the shock of seeing the...

She started as a hand snaked around her face, clamping firmly about her mouth. She tried to scream, raking at the ivory skin with fingertips in an attempt to remove the vice, but all she managed was a muffled squeak. Her eyes widened as she felt the heat of flesh near her face, felt the silent breath of her captor on her cheek.

“Dear child...” The voice was a raspy whisper in her ear, unfamiliar to her memory. “Don't you know that curiousity killed the kitten?” A harsh laugh followed, hollow and unfeeling, filling Aisha with dread as she struggled to escape the steel-like grip. The laughter came to a halt, and Aisha felt herself being spun around. She found herself face to face with a woman. Though her hair and person were covered in a long, hooded cloak, a gaunt face clad in skin pale as the moon was visible beneath the hood. Full lips, cracked and bleeding, were parted in a mirthless half smile, revealing two long fangs protruding from the pale woman's gums. And above them, bright red eyes regarded Aisha carefully, shining past the shadow of the hood in an unearthly fashion.

Aisha's fear grew as the smile widened, and a tongue flicked out of the woman's mouth to lap at her bloodied lips, adding to the strangely hungry expression on her visage.

“You shouldn't be here, you know,” the woman went on, reaching out a hand to stroke a lone finger down Aisha's cheek, making her flinch. “This isn't the place for a pretty little thing like you...”



A slight rearrangement, but hopefully I'm illustrating what I mean. I hope this helps. Smile


Comments for the new chapter will follow asap! Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will be re-editing this one a bit.. fixing some issues with connectivity..

The story line will remain the same, just worded so that it comes from one person... Aisha, and not others as its being told..

Thank you, Tika for the advice! Hope this looks better when finished!

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