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Samael
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 10:39 am    Post subject: The Adventurers Reply with quote

THE ADVENTURERS

WARNING: Vulgar and juvenile humor

1

“Sword?”

“Check.”

“Shield?”

“Check.”

“Extra gauntlets?”

“Check.”

“Extra underwear?”

“Mom!”

“Some people get very scared when they see their first troll!”

Alefe rolled his eyes as he slipped a dagger snugly into the loop on the front of his traveling pack. His mother watched him with intent eyes, her brow recycling through the furrowed lines of anxiety and the bunched up laughter lines that spoke of pride. Her little Alefe was leaving today, leaving for his very first Adventure.

The young boy of sixteen didn’t look so little. With the standing height that was nearly six feet tall coupled with the broad shoulders of his father and the thick torso that symboled his Northern bloodline, Alefe made for a daunting figure silhouetted by the light from the house’s fire pit. Except for that baby face, there was no getting around that. He was cursed with a remarkable lack of stubble for one his age. A flawed trait that he was particularly sensitive about.

“Now, I think if you just left your razor and soap bark here, you’d have a
lot more room for food or clothing, Alefe.”

“But then how will I shave?”

“Oh…yes...well,” said Josephine after a moment of silence. “Maybe that will come before your first dungeon. Until then, perhaps you should wear your father’s helmet.”

Alefe’s packing suddenly became much more urgent then it had been moments ago. The quiet house echoed with the rustling of cloth, the squeak of leather and the clinking of many metal things applauding together as they were all shoved into his satchels. His mother watched him for a bit, the laughter lines gradually morphing into lines of worry again. She was scared, and rightly so. She wouldn’t see her son for many years, perhaps never at all. It left an ache in her heart.

The young soon-to-be-adventurer left his pack on the table and began rummaging through the house chest, double checking for flint and copper. It wouldn’t do to start out his Journey with no fire source. Then again, Brandon could just set some wood on fire. Alefe wondered if the mage could cook. Or maybe he could summon beef stew.

“Are you going to bring your father’s helmet, Alefe?” his mother asked quietly. Her eyes never strayed from his back as her son didn’t answer. She waited a few more seconds, ignoring her dancing shadow cast upon the wall by the flame’s glow, then asked again.

Alefe’s voice was lined with irritation. “The helm is cracked, mother. Wouldn’t do much good.”

“It’s an heirloom. It hasn’t been in the Wilds since he was brought back on his shield.” Her footsteps barely made a sound as she padded over to her crouched son. Soft hands lightly brushed his bunched shoulders. “Alefe, there is no shame in carrying it.”

Alefe jumped up, his bulky frame suddenly sprouting erect and rigid. “So you say.” The silence that had pervaded the houses ever since Alefe was chosen seemed to grow deeper. “Everyone is gathering at the gates. I should meet Olaf and Brandon.”

She cleared her throat, desperately forcing back a sob that had began to form in the very back. It was bad omen if a mother cried as her youngest left. A bad omen that signaled a dark journey and a gloomy adventure. And she would not do that to her son. “Alech wishes you good luck. And safe travels.”

The boy who was not quite man looked at the floor a few moments. His eyes studied the stone patterns mixed with the dust of earth without really seeing them. An ache was building in his heart also. “He won’t see me off?”

Josephine’s tittering laugh did little to disguise anything. “You know your brother, Alefe. Quick to hold grudges, yet quicker in forgetting them when he’s cooled off.” The ache in her chest grew to a throb. “He loves you very much.”
More silence. It slithered between their feet, up their clothes and into their heads. “And I him,” Alefe said. “I suppose.”

<> <> <>

The crowd was bigger than he thought. The mass of people that made up the majority of the little town all milled about the entrance/exit of their small settlement. Redinwood was not anything remarkable nor was it anything to be ashamed of. 543 people lived together comfortably and were even more comfortably protected by the thick oak walls that ringed around their mix of wooden and stone houses. The ramparts were unique out of all others from miles around for their wood came from the Wilds. Great trees that had watched kingdoms falls had been cut down by the indentured mad, insane and brutally violent and had been dragged to the center of the plains. The community had been constructed on top of a small mound of hills, so every other house was slightly elevated and could overlook the vast grassy lands that stretched for miles before suddenly ending at the looming pillars of the forests.

Alefe walked slowly down his house’s steps to the main street below. Stragglers who were on their way to the gate slowed their power walk into a slight amble to salute him as he fell into view. He nodded at them and shrugged his pack higher onto his shoulder. They made way for him as he neared the masses. Man, woman, and child parted before him like a celebrated noble. The elderly moved away quicker than the rest, parting before him as if he was diseased. Perhaps they knew something he didn’t. They didn’t live that long without knowing more than the rest.

Brandon and Olaf were already at the gate. Olaf was dressed in his mix of leather armor and brownish green cloth, the usual garb of a hunter. His prized bow was carefully unstrung and resting behind his back right under the quiver of arrows. He was as tall as Alefe but more wiry than bulk. His thinnish limbs had hardness to them and whenever he drew back the string of his bow, the muscles in his arms tensed and bulged like cords of steel. Brandon looked like he was about to go hiking complete with a runed walking stick. A bit on the pudgy side, the apprentice mage didn’t look much with his shaved head and rosy cheeks. But one reconsidered at the unnatural fire that burned behind his eyes. This plump individual was connected to something from the Deep.

Alefe joined them with a nod and turned to face the crowd. No one stepped forward to offer words of advice or encouragement. There were no grand speeches. No trumpets or sobs. Just a quiet creak as the gates were opened just a crack, enough to let them slip through one by one. And so the three boys, who would end the world, left their homes without a word or a goodbye. And it was the last time they ever say their friends and family again.

<> <> <>

“Well that was depressing as shit,” Olaf remarked.

They were about five miles outside of town and already it looked so small and faraway. The grass they walked in came up to their knees so there was no point in looking down to check for potholes or roots. One just hoped he wouldn’t trip and fall. No one said anything and so Olaf being Olaf, took it upon him self to carry on the conversation.

“Not even a goodbye, mind you. Just that creepy ass stare, some of them looked so mournful too.”

Brandon spoke up at this as he prodded the ground ahead with his staff. “Truth be told, I was expecting some sort of celebration. I was half HOPING Marian would appear in my chambers the night before with a distinct lack of clothing and an itch between her legs.”

The trio chuckled at this, even Alefe who had gone unvoiced most of the time. Olaf brushed his long strands of hair out of his eyes as he looked up at the dimming sky. The last sun was slowly starting to sink into the horizon and the grouped watched as the land swallowed it whole. It was a beautiful sight. However, such events are wasted on the young.

“Anyone else hungry?” Alefe said.

“I am! Brandon, conjure us some steak,” ordered Olaf. “Some gravy too, and links of sausage.”

“I got your sausage link right here, asshole,” Brandon sneered while cupping his crotch. “And I can’t do that, man. You know this.” The mage sniffed and twirled his wooden accomplice about. “I can make us a fire though. Go shoot us a deer or something.”

Olaf skipped across a crack in the earth that the grass failed to cover. “If it’s deer you want, my fellow Adventurers. We’ll have to go in the forests for that. And to that I say, fuck that.”

“Olaf’s right.” Alefe stopped walking to stare as the great expanse of trees miles away. Even from this far, nature’s giants looked like an impenetrable wall. Trees with trunks as thick as watchtowers spiraled up with twisting branches that resembled thorns on the stalk of some desert flower. “We’re not even grown yet, the Wilds are for men. We should find the road and follow it to the next town. Deerboy, where’s the map?”

Brandon sighed and planted his staff into the earth and rubbed his hands together. He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose.

“If you smelt something off when you did that,” said Olaf. “I’m sorry.”

Alefe wrinkled his own nose. “Gods, man. You’re foul.” The ranger laughed and shrugged his shoulders apologetically without a hint of sincerity.

Their portly friend remained silent, humming under his breath. With a start, his eyes snapped open revealing themselves to be milky white. He clapped his hands together and then slowly spread them apart. In between his palms, something unwound. It resembled cloth, if cloth could be made from air and bits of grass. It grew as long as he widened the distance between his hands and when it had reached an appropriate size, Brandon whispered a word that no one heard. The object stopped flittering and hovered in the air in front of them all.

“We’re here,” the mage said, slightly out of breath. He pointed at twinkling light that dotted the middle of the Great Plains. “Forests are straight ahead, so to get to the main road we go right. The nearest town is about 10 miles up the road.”

The woodsmen squinted at the floating map and began tracing the path with his fingers. “We’d cut our traveling time in half if we cut through this portion of the Wilds. If we go straight for the road, we’ll have to go through these marshes here. What are they called?”

Brandon blinked and words scrawled in blue ink appeared over the marshes on the map. “Mossy Trials.”


CHOICES

A. Go through the Marshes to the road. (Lizard-men, witches, and sluts)

B. Go through the forest (Wilds) to the road. (Oak-men, witches, and cannibal fairies)


Last edited by Samael on Thu Jul 26, 2012 1:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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Shillelagh
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 1:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Usually the process is to hear reader reactions, and then create a poll. Here, where the choices are strictly limited by geography, I suppose it doesn't matter as much... but the idea is that your readers will think of things that you wouldn't even consider to put into the poll.

Overall, a very solid chapter. There are a few grammatical errors- ones which are so odd that they seem to be the result of a misapplied spell check than any sort of writer mistake. It's well written, with what I think is the perfect amount of detail- enough to give imagery to the scenes, but not enough to bog down the reader's progress. I will say that there's an odd disconnect between the gravity of the work's tone/mood, and the jovial, immature nature of their dialogue. Not that the setting can't be serious or that the teenagers can't be immature... it's just odd seeing them both together, is all.

I will say that some of the jokes seem rather forced, like the story flow had to make a mandatory detour just to setup and execute the joke. Brandon's wish for a nightime guest? Funny. The sausage pun? A bit forced, like Olaf's dialogue exists only to setup Brandon's line. The fart joke? It's not that funny, it's awkwardly placed, and it heavily distracts from Brandon's creation of the map. I had to reread that section a few times to figure out what was actually going on.
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Sam! I agree with Shill's comments. The tone and setting, especially at the start, seems to be prepping us for a humorous adventure in a fantasy world, something that I particularly enjoy.

However as we go through it doesn't seem to quite hit the mark. Perhaps I'm wrong in reading the 'humorous intent' into this one, in which case I apologize.

Writing a fantasy tale that stands out is pretty hard, you really need some kind of 'catch' to get the reader involved and, whilst the writing here is quite acceptable quality, so far it's not really reaching out and grabbing me by the short and curlies, apart from that 'wait for it' feeling as I wait for the (maybe not coming) funnies to appear.

It feels like when you want to sneeze, but it doesn't quite come...

Hopefully you'll get into your stride as you go though.
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Samael
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 23, 2012 11:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok! I will try to do better~!
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like where this is going...three typical teenage guys on a big adventure...being...typical...teenage...guys. haha! i love it. keep it up. i went for the forest because even though it can be creepy...it's better than sticky, muggy marshes. haha and this way we don't have to deal with the sluts. XD
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Samael!

A warm welcome to both IF and the Fantasy Forest! Smile


You have a good start here. That first little snippet of conversation between Alefe and his mother had me smiling, and the remainder of the story was enjoyable too. You have a very thorough way of describing the scenes without going over the top, making for good imagery which I personally appreciate, as it's something that I try to inject onto my own writing as well.


I found a couple of bits'n'bobs that need correcting or could be improved upon...

Quote:
His mother watched him with intent eyes, her brow recycling through the furrowed lines of anxiety and the bunched up laughter lines that spoke of pride.

Quote:
“Oh…yes...well,” said Josephine after a moment of silence.


When I read the second quote, I had to pause for a moment, thinking that another character had come onto the scene. A second later, I realised that it was the name of the mother, but I think that initial pause could be rid off by mentioning the name in the first quote, so that it reads...

Josephine, his mother watched him with intent eyes, her brow recycling through the furrowed lines of anxiety and the bunched up laughter lines that spoke of pride.

It just gets rid of that initial 'who's Josephine?' moment. Wink


Quote:
Her eyes never strayed from his back as her son didn’t answer.


Though there's not strictly anything wrong with this sentence, it doesn't quite seem to read correctly somehow. It's that final part... as her son didn't answer.. I think it would read better if it read as something like...waiting for her son to answer.

Quote:
The mass of people that made up the majority of the little town all milled about the entrance/exit of their small settlement.


Though others may disagree, I don't really like that '/' in there. It just doesn't look entirely at home when used for story-writing. Using entrance or exit individually would read better, or maybe 'gateway' while adding in a little bit of basic description as to what the gates look like (huge/tall/foreboding/etc).

Quote:
543 people lived together comfortably and were even more comfortably protected by the thick oak walls that ringed around their mix of wooden and stone houses.


This should be worded as 'five-hundred and forty-three' rather than using the numbers ideally.

Quote:
And so the three boys, who would end the world, left their homes without a word or a goodbye. And it was the last time they ever say their friends and family again.


This should be 'saw' I think, but, to be honest, in my personal opinion, I think these lines would improve the story by being removed altogether. In using these words, you're telling the reader that the characters will definitely never see home or their loved ones again, and that they will end the world. Though it might make one think 'I wonder why they'll never see home again?' or 'Oh my, I wonder what they'll do to accomplish such a thing?' and go through the possibilities in one's head, it would add a more intriguing mysterious element to the tale to just not know these things. Indeed, indicate that they 'might' never see home again, but I think it would be more enjoyable to be left entirely in the dark as to what the outcome will be. But that its my own opinion, and not necessarily shared with everyone else, so there's no need to leap straight into changing it. It's just something to think about. Smile

Quote:
Just that creepy ass stare, some of them looked so mournful too.


I don't think that this quite works with that comma there. It reads more like something that should be two sentences, though I don't normally encourage these short lines. Maybe a pause or something, so it reads... Just that creepy ass stare...some of them looked so mournful too.

Quote:
And to that I say, fuck that.


The double usage of 'that' is a little jarring. Maybe get fucked or you can fuck right off? (You should probably add a language warning to your heading, alongside that of 'vulgar and juvenile humour' Wink)


As has been stated by others, generally the dp is given, and your readers themselves think up options for what should happen next in the story. It doesn't allow for as much control of said story, but it is challenging, and will, on occasion, allow for ideas that you possibly never would have thought of if left to your own devices to come to light. Something to keep in mind in the future. Wink


All in all, an enjoyable first chapter! Looking forward to more! Keep up the good work! Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2012 11:33 am    Post subject: I think. . . . . Reply with quote

Gotta say, I can REALLY sense the juvenile in here. . . . . .And it seems so randomly smattered about. I know there are groups of friends out there that are none to pilote out there, but these guys are a bit. . . . .Off. . . . Anyways, moving on. First few chuckles got a laugh out of me, but I agree the humor is a bit forced. Maybe a better set up for them, or a bit better delivery, I don't know. Over all it's an interesting read and I would like to see more. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
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Which path?
Through the forest?
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Through the marshes?
75%
 75%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 4
Who Voted: Andolyn, Chinaren, PopeAlessandrosXVIII, Shillelagh

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