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the IFQUIRER 23rd April '09

 
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scissorkitty
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 1:21 am    Post subject: the IFQUIRER 23rd April '09 Reply with quote





Hey there, lovely readers! Welcome to the Inaugural Edition of our beloved IFQuirer, revised yet again for another set of political tyrants.. i mean dictators.. i mean, aw crap. I'm getting hung for this either way.

Anyway! To start us off on good terms THIS term, your newly beloved editrix, yours truly, risked life, limb, tail and patches of fur to come up with some interviews of your new political leaders and moderators. Here goes nothing!

* * * * *
The Mayoral Debut!

Scissorkitty, reportrix extraordinaire, with great risk to self, scales the walls of City Hall - the main doors being suspiciously locked- to reach the Public Auditorium, there to better interview our newest Political Leaders. Only, you know. The stinking place is empty. Hmmm... okay then.

Scissorkitty, reportrix extraordinaire, with a bit of a chip on her shoulder, and the beginnings of blisters on her paws, arrives with much fanfare at the gates of the newly expanded Tower, home of new Mayoral Leader, Smee. There are building materials and equipment strewn across the vast landscape, the scent of newly milled timber lays heavy in the spring air. At last, we corner Smee at the break table, stuffing his maw with crumpets and a beverage from a familiar blue-striped can.

Skitty: "So, Mr Mayor! Now that you’ve once again ascended the seat of political power here in If, what are your plans for your new minions.. er.. that is to say, subjects?"

Smee: "Plans! Erm... yes I suppose I should have some of those! Umm, let me see. All I really want to see is the City brimming with life and storygames. We've spent years trying to fill the city with players to bring that life to the streets. But it seems this may be a fundamentally flawed approach. So we're planning to make a few behind the scene changes that will hopefully see us targeting the right audience and get us some more people here."

A foul draft blows through the open construction site, bringing with it the reminder that where the crafts services table is, the porta-potties are soon to follow. With that in mind, a clanking of doors is heard, and moments later a familiar amphibian struts onto the scene, trailing a little banner of white paper from one shoe.

Skitty: Hello, your Frogginess! So, you’re back on top, or nearly. Is this a familiar feeling for you? Or do you think that this spin around has a different political flavour for you? And would you describe that flavour as being chocolate, vanilla, or marmite?

Crunchyfrog: Spinning in a counterclockwise direction with Smee balancing on my shoulders while eating a marmite sandwich is definitely a box I have not checked before, and it feels... interesting. Although I'd prefer it if he didn't wear the Christian Louboutin heels. The bruises are embarrassing, ya know?

The Green-One delicately shakes a foot in an attempt at dislodging her TP tagalong.

Skitty: Mayor Smee, you spoke in your election speech of being more of a benign ruler, assigning others to deal with the day to day things. What, exactly, does that mean you’ll be doing?

Smee: "Whilst there will be some deligation, as there always has been, my main aim with the aid of the appointed Deputy Mayor, is to see to all those little jobs in the city that have been neglected to some degree or another. Hopefully by 'oiling' the hinges so to speak, we'll be able to let you good people all get on doing what you enjoy. Writing and playing in great storygames."

Smee bends to help Crunchy remove the paper, and to help him get a better grasp, Crunchy hops onto his back- the better to shove her foot closer to his nose. Skitty watches in amazed dismay as the two caper around the construction site in a dizzy tornado of wizard and frog.

Skitty: Uh.. Yes... Crunchy, and what exactly IS marmite?

Crunchy: A small blue fruit. Definitely.

Skitty eyes the Mayoral Pair before her with some apprehension, and sticks her own small paw into the melee of toilet-paper-removal. Suddenly the trio resemble nothing else so much as a character from Quif- the game that may soon be renamed.

Skitty: Uh.. Um. Remove that foot, please! WRONG HOLE WRONG HOLE!!! Um.. and is there a new expansion of Smee Tower in the works?

Smee eyes the growing scaffolding rising from the forest fringes, and tries to Politically Shuffle Attention Away.

Smee: "I have no idea what you are talking about. My abodes have always been modest, befitting a mage of my standing and will continue to be so."

Skitty: How about a uniform for the City guards and/or moderators?

Smee: "Pink tutu, with matching stockings?"

Skitty: Hmm. Quite enlightening. Crunchy.. if offered a chance between Christian Louboutin heels, or riding on the back of a galloping leperous deaf-mute to this year’s IFYs.. Which mode of transportation would you prefer?

The Frogette, whilst happily hopping on one foot, busily removing her other foot from Smee’s left nostril, replies...

Crunchy: I would have the heels, but Smee borrowed them after accidentally setting fire to his Great Shoes of Waffle. Now he can't get them off, I have no choice but to ride on his back instead.

Skitty: And how does that reflect on your personal position towards the leperous?

Crunchy: [Official Statement from the privvy in the grounds of the Mayoral Mansion]

Madam Crunchyfrog would like to make it clear that she is sure most leperous persons are quite capable of transporting a small frog to the IFYs and assures them that her choice of Smee in heels is borne out of necessity rather than desire and is by no means meant as a slight to them or their afflictions.
Though Smee does stand a better chance of getting there in one piece.


Skitty leans back, the better to gaze at our Mayoral Duo from her vantage point atop Crunchy’s left ankle, and somewhere beneath Smee’s right armpit. Desperate to continue her interview despite being roped into a very uncomfortable Dance of Doom, our intrepid interviewer scrambles for a relevant Ifian topic...

Skitty: ..And what’s your favourite breakfast? Diligent bribers want to know!

Skitty sneaks her tail out from under Crunchy’s elbow, and escapes to the relative safety of the nearby snacktable.

Smee: "Technically a good ol'bowl of museli... but bribers would likely get more luck with a sausage and ketchup sandwich "

Smee winks suggestively at Skitty, from his place tangled up in the toilet paper, and Crunchy’s high heels.

Skitty: *mmmmmm... scraps of tuna sandwich- SANS celery, thankyouverymuch- scatter in the breeze as she speaks* And which celebrity debutante shall we expect on your arm at the IFYs this year?

Smee: "Oh, I haven't decided yet, you could even consider me a free agent!"

The Wizard Mayor finally disentangles himself from Crunchy and the toilet paper scrap, and Skitty finds herself unable to tell him his robe is now on backwards.

Skitty: And Crunchy, With what shall you be smiting heads, this political term?

Crunchy: Well, see, there's this broken lever I found lying around in New Storygames. It's a long story, but, well there was this poll, and then there was another poll and then there was blah blah blah blah roobarb roobarb blah blah blah roobarb roobarb blah ......er.....are they still recording?

Crunchyfrog begins to backpedal quickly, disappearing from both view and the interview site on her invisible Unicycle of Dissembling. Smee suddenly finds himself intently interested in naming shapes in clouds and Skitty, unable to drag this out for much longer, snaps shut her notepad and rolls her eyes.

Skitty: Okay, okay. The inquisition is over! Thanks for your time, guys. Happy City Officiation!

As a final farewell, in a very Forest Gump parting gesture.. a little flag of errant toilet paper wafts away on the afternoon breeze.

* * * * *
New MODS Weigh in! (and threaten journalist)

Intrepid Journalist to the Stars, Scissorkitty, once again risks life, fur, and blisters to visit the new Mods, and check in with their news!

.... I venture deep into the depths of the Fantasy Forest, Linear Lane, HEM.... to no avail. Where are all the new mods? Much wearied and pretty disheartened by this turn of events, I find myself wandering and thirsty.. And head to the Inn for a lap of milk and a quick snooze. Who do I find, harassing each other and other well-meaning citizens at will, lounging around the Tavern common room with an assortment of minion beasties??? THE MISSING NEW MODS! And so, here they are....

Skitty: Hey there DeadManWalking, Kalanna Rai, Phantom fan and... *sigh* the omnipresent Chinaren... Lets get to it.. Now that you’re heading up some of Ifs most illustrious areas, what do you have planned?

The Mods stop their madcap scrambling for a second, and unanimously stare me down, Chinaren from the confines of his Private Room, guarded and luxuriously appointed as only the entirely corrupt can afford...

Kalanna: Hello Skitty and allow me to answer a few of those questions for you.
I have quite a few things planned for Linear Lane most of which are still hidden somewhere under the 'Cloak of Secrecy' and will be revealed in good time when I've gotten together with the Mayor and Vice Mayor to hammer out a few more bugs.


DMW: Hello Skitty! And Congratulations on becoming the new IFQ moderator! Well, i never really expected to get Skiffy; this was more of a grab for whatever. So i have nothing specific planned as of yet, but I'm thinking of course, contests and other fun things. (That is, nothing yet besides the contests, but we'll see.)

Cren: What the! Who the hell let you in? Guards, guards! There's a miscreant in my chambers... Wait. She's female. Guards, never mind. Hello my dear, please take a seat over here, next to Uncle Renny. Would you like a sticky toffee?

I look about in dismay, from my fur to the toffee, and think it’s probably not a good mix. Nonetheless, Cren is pretty persuasive about my taking a seat within his eyesight... or should I say, his pack of brutal minions are persuasive. I look to the other Mods for help but they seem to be all either ignoring my plight, or snickering at my discomfort!

The marketplace you say? My, how wonderfully smooth your skin looks. I've been wanting a replacement cover for... er, ahem. What? Oh yes, the Marketplace, of course.
Naturally, now I'm in charge of the area again, all competition will be ruthlessly crushed, and the perpetrators tortured using some interesting techniques I've created in Cren Inc. Security labs.


I eye my fur again, this time comparing it to the furniture and realize with a start that.. Uh... some of Cren’s cushions are NOT animal friendly in the upholstery department! I turn back to the Mods with a sense of relief, and try not to appear too rumpled...

Skitty: Any new contests in the works?

Phan: Yes, actually! I'm going to be starting one in a few days. Keep your eyes out!!! It'll be fun fun fun, with loads of cash for the winner.... HEM stands for Happy Evil Monkeys- Erm- I mean Humor, Experimental and Miscellaneous.

Cren: ...ad such a creamy color. Please, have another toffee. I assure you the strange aftertaste is nothing to be worried about.

Where were we? Oh yes, competitions. How dare you challenge me... No, calm, calm Renny. She's not ready yet. Er, of course there will be competitions. How many would you like? We'll have red and blue ones. All the colors of the rainbow.


DMW: Very soon! As an avid reader of several of the older scifi writers out there, I truly loved universes like the one featured in Frank Herbert's Dune and the what-ifs in much of Phillip K Dick, and I believe that the heart and soul of science fiction writing is the universes you create. I hope to incorporate that idea into the contests i will be starting shortly.

K.Rai: One new contest I can tell you about will be good for new and old members of the City alike. The longstanding members of the site will remember the good old Monthly Linear Story comp and I have plans for bringing that back to glory. Currently all the winner would get is bragging rights and the ability to choose the criteria for next month's Story Comp but I have hopes of changing that. It's still having the bugs hammered out but look for it soon.

I pick a few flakes of Deady that floated over whilst he was talking, and eye the group a little. Phan looks around innocently... suspiciously so... and Kalanna looks a tad hungry.. Best not to leave a peckish Dragoness waiting!

Skitty: Any new writers that we, the multitudinous readership, should check out?

K.Rai: As far as picking a story in Linear goes, I'd say just dive right in! There are hundreds of stories just sitting on our shelves, just waiting for the right moment when someone starts reading and gets lost in them. And don't worry, I do rounds every couple of weeks to make the stories spit the readers back out. Maps are available to those who request them from the Help Desk, just make sure to turn them in when you're done.

Phan: Heh. At the moment, we only have 3 active SGs in HEM- one of mine, Alegria's Priest (which I highly suggest, even though he's not what one would call a "new" writer) and Tramp In a Storm's Clive. Will we have some new writers? YES! Very soon, once we start to get that lovely HEM idearium flowing!

DMW: Well there are a couple, but none that i know of writing for Skiffy. If you want a good Scifi Storygame though, Smee's Trade Window is very interesting (He kind of counts, because as he said himself, he's relatively new to Skiffy) as is Reiso's Sector 17 (erm, well he's come back after a long break? So kind of new/old)

Oh wait, there actually is something. Forgot Skiffy included horror (whoopsie). If you'll look in New Storygames, there's a singular teaser type thing by HiddenHeartsCry that brought shivers to my spine. Doesn't seem to be an ongoing story, or at least not yet, but creepy nonetheless.


Skitty: So, Cren... Any free fables up for grabs, or any scams that we should beware of? Do you employ telemarketers?

Cren: Hahaha! Oh what a wondeful sense of humor you have! Free Fables indeed! Why, I haven't laughed so hard since I disemboweled those girl scouts.And let me just assure you, there are no unauthorized scams in the marketplace. Now, are you sure you're chewing those toffees fast enough?

I spit out the proffered candies into a nearby empty armchair, the remains easily covered by yet more flakes of DeadManWalking’s.. Er... self. Turning my attentions back to the Mods, I find one of Kalanna’s minions chomping on some Tavern waitstaff. K.Rai seems to turn a blind eye, but Phan rips of one of Deady’s toes without his noticing, and whips it across the room, freeing the waiter from the Fekk Beast’s attentions. Using this as a distraction, I skritch myself across the room, away from Cren’s malignant employees for the moment..

Skitty: What’s your most popular story at the moment, guys? (And gals/dragons/ghosts/ninjas/etc)

DMW: I am a very bad judge of popularity. (Also, I'm not quite sure if my authority includes those SGOTM's in Skiffy so i'll pretend they do.) Sector 17 and Trade Windows, both previously mentioned, seem to be high up there, as does Rai's Shatterglass (which i'm not sure should be in Skiffy, it seems to be fantasy to me (Holy Cheesus it has 7000 views exactly.)) Solace, by HalfEmptyHero seems to be a rising star; many of our most influential members have looked in and expressed many good wishes.

Phan: The one that I've written? Well, currently it's Nexus, in HEM, actually. It's a dark, twisted fairy tale with loads of dark and mysterious doorways and dead princesses. Start with a base of Experimental thoughts, followed by dried Fantasy, a dash of horror and just a pinch of humor.

K.Rai: Currently I'd have to say The Lyricist is my most popular story at the moment. Rather surprising considering it's the least well known one. Ah well, it's always the quiet ones that suddenly make you work.

Skitty: What inspired you to grasp desperately for the reigns of power this political session?

DMW: Well, I've been in IF a long time, and I felt that this was a time to really give back to the community. (Ok, fine, corny, but actually true!)

K.Rai: I'm not political, anyone suggesting I am is going to disappear one night and never be heard from again. And I didn't grasp. I asked politely then made sure to hand them the antidote.

Ummmm.. I’m feeling a little nervous for my future well-being as Editor, here.. Or as a journalist.. Or as a living entity....

However I've got previous experience managing Linear and had several projects that I wanted to see through to completion. I don't care who's in the drivers seat for that, I'll work with any Mayor, Vice Mayor, or other official to make sure that Linear is recognized as the viable resource it is. Afterall, we've had Linear stories turn into SGotMs. So obviously there's plenty of quality material there.

Phan: Can you say POWAH? Very Happy
Actually, Fun! NeverNeverGirl, the previous HEM mod, got me into it (with her constant advertising and the like).
Not to mention, of course, the ability to be helping out around the city more is always nice.


Turning back to Chinaren...

Cren: I can assure you, young lady, or whatever drug-resistant species you are, Chinaren has no interest in any kind of political power grab. Such offices are best left to others, leaving me time to manipulate and sche... stand on the sidelines and applaud gently.

Skitty: For our illustrious readers: what exactly is the Marketplace FOR, what does it DO, and what do you, as the mod there, DO?

Cren: Damn these sweets, I really must increase the dosage. The Marketpace of course, is to enhance Chinaren Incs wealth, and to serve as a base to further any political machinations of course. People sometimes disabuse themselves- it's for something else, but we all know that's a lot of old poppycock.

Now, are you feeling sleepy by any chance? The surgeon's on standby, and he's expensive.


I eye the surgeon, looming from behind a shadowy ottoman (the furniture, not the Empirialist) in the corner, and flinch involuntarily.

Skitty: How does one go about using the Market to its best advantage?

Cren: Such impertinence, I should have you flogg... Ahhh, I mean, why, simply stroll on down and show all the passers-by your wares. What you have to offer, so to speak.

Again, I eye the surgeon and the toffees suspiciously. Uh, walk downtown with the Orange Monkey Thing? No thanks.. I value my skin MUCH too highly...

Skitty: Uhh.. Right. Um, no, thanks. I’m quite comfortable here. I think your surgeon, I mean.. The dude I can’t see who is totally sneaking up on me... uh.... So! Any hidden talents that we don’t know about? Mouthpainting, the ability to tapdance at dangerously high speeds, or a penchant for eating steak whilst hanging upside down from girders?

K.Rai: And of course I have hidden talents...but if I told you about them I'd have to kill you. That's why they're called 'hidden' afterall.

DMW: Does elite ninja skills count? How about a penchant for totally destroying pirates who dare to believe they are the equal to ninjas, let alone better? (Well, not really a special talent, most people can do that. Oh, except for other pirates.)

Phan: Um... none of those, though the tapdancing would be useful for most musicals I perform in. Lessee. I've gotten really good at making chainmail armor! I've gotten through making a full-length coif as well as two awesome hand-gauntlet thingies. Working on a third.
*has even worn them in public, along with a complete outfit of medieval style*
[/size] Oooh! This could very well be the feature in a future issue! “What do Ifians do when the RL is too boring, but internet isn’t always available?? Stay tuned!!”

Cren:I assure you, I'm merely a simply trader, trying to eke out a living in a harsh, cruel world. Now if you'll excuse me, as the toffee's seem to have failed, and I can't find my cosh, I need to return to my Iderium plated jacuzzi with dancing girls.

Jeeves! See this wench out if you please, and be sure to frisk her at the exit, no telling what such riff-raff think they can pilfer. You may wish to administer a sound thrashing too, on general preventative grounds.


Feeling distinctly unwelcome and more endangered than ever, I happily exit the Den of the Monkey Thing, and turn back to Kalanna... unfortunately, her warm welcome has teeth attached as well.. Teeth that are now mouthing the tip of my tail...

Skitty: YEOWWWW!!! GIVEitbackgiveitbackgive it BACK!!!

K.Rai: Hopefully that solves your curiosity for now. Do stop by again Skitty, and please ignore the Fekk Beasts, they chew on everyone like that.

My interview now at a close, I’m more than happy to escape from the Tavern and the Inn, scampering back onto the streets of IF and into my little SGs with a much needed sigh of relief! Ah well.. Fur regrows, right?

* * * * *

And There You Have It!!! That’s all for this edition, folks! Keep your eyes open for more updates, and a possible bi-weekly gossip section! Anyone wishing to submit articles or suggest future entries, just PM me!

Happy writing, Ifians!
-skitty

Last edited by scissorkitty on Sat Apr 18, 2009 1:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done Skitty. Cool

Very colorful!
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good Skitty. I'm very interested in the Ifquirer, but I haven't heard of the IfY's before. Anyway very good. I think all of them are suited to the tasks. And the ideas they probably have for if is way better than what I had planned, i was actaully wanted to keep it a secret my ideas, I just gave a few in my application and I gave the worst ones that people won't be interested in, like helping out and knowing how to handle flaming, all the years of being an AF member, Ifian and liken pet so I just want to say goodluck with everyone's hopes and dreams and may the ideas bloom.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice going, Skitty!
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I've been pulled back from oblivion to lurk about the City once more. Though the music of the night always beckons...

Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Tries to maintain a cool smile, but quickly breaks down into giggles*
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mwahahaa! Good job Skitty! Laughing
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