Search      Members      Groups      Profile      Favorites      RSS      Register      Log in
Only In Darkness Can We Save Others

 
(currently a favorite of 0 users)
   Storygames Home -> Linear Lane - Linear stories, Critiques and writing competitions. -> Linear District
View previous topic :: View next topic  

Author Message
Black TearsWolf
Visitor



Joined: 08 Mar 2013
Topics: 2
Posts: 3


Items

Legends
Fables
0 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:08 pm    Post subject: Only In Darkness Can We Save Others Reply with quote

Disclaimer:All characters are of my creation and imagination. If any Characters or plot seem similar it is by dumb luck. To be safe there might be sexual themes later on in the story. Critics are welcome, I'm always open to insightful help. There will be violence and most likely gore so if you can't handle Gore, Violence, Cussing, and Randy humor than please don't read it. The only character not entirely mine is Rory, his name was suggested by HalfEmptyHero. Wink










Only In Darkness Can We Save Others

Darkness, it is feared, hated, loved, reveared, but most do not understand it. They do not understand that we must sometimes embrace the Darkness to do what is right..even if others will not see it as so. Although there are many who fear the Dark, there are few who respect it and always will. Fewer will embrace it and only the Fool seeks to destroy it. The endless Darkness spreads throughout Time and Space, never faltering in its quest to embrace those who wish to be embraced, but there are those who will stop at nonthing to destroy it with Light. But Light sadly can blind many and cause them to make rash decisons and leave everlasting scars that could even mark a civilization.

This is the tale of the Battle between Light and Darkness, but in the end who is the true Light and the true Darkness?

The Forest was silent and the sky was painted with ever shining stars. The moon hung in her fullest glory, bathing all below with a soft luminence. The Night was truly beautiful, is what a lone figure laying on a small hill overlooking the forest thought silently. As a small stray cloud flew out of the Moon's light the figure was reavealed to be teen dressed in a simple yet elegant tuxedo. His hair was dark ebony black, darker than the norm and some would even say it was as if the Night and he were one.

His eyes at first looked cold, as if he were always scowling with his hazel eys. In truth it was just the way his eyes were shaped. His hazel eyes were taking in the Night's beauty and his light pink lips curled into a relaxed smile. There was a light wind but he didn't mind and even when it slightly chilled his medium cut hair. The Night was almost perfect even if it was partly ruined at the party he had just moments earlier ago left.

He kept his eyes closed when he heard light footsteps travling up the small hill. After a few moments the Footsteps ceased and the sound of someone taking a seat next to his still layind down form could be heard. A calm voice broke the sweet silence "Why did you leave the party, Jasper?"

"It was too stuffy and too damn noisy for my liking."

"So you just left, even with all those hot girls?"

"Maybe hot to you but I have standards you know."

"Hey, I have standards too you know."

"This coming from the guy who dates anything that has a pulse and can speak english."


Jasper chuckled and opened his eys to see his long time friend Rory huff with mock anger. Further behind Rory a huge Manor could be seen with an array of species ranging from Elves both Dark and Forest, Sprites of all kind, a few Orcs, and the likes. Rory was a Fire Elemental but unlike most Fire Elementals, he could keep his anger in check. Jasper himself was a human but definantly not your avearage Human. Jasper was one of the lucky Humans who could cast magic and was quite skilled in combat.

Both longtime friends gazed up at the sky in comfortable silence. The light wind played with Rory's neck long hair. Unlike most Elementals, Rory's hair did not match his element but in fact was the opposite. Instead of being Red, his hair was a pure white, like freshly fallen snow. Those foolish enough to make fun of his hair color were either burned or scared straight, mostly burned though.


"Do you ever get the feeling that theres more out there Rory?"

"All the time Jasp, I feel like me and you could be doing so much more ya know?"

"I think its about time we go an adventure?"

"I'm with you Jasp, theres really nothing here for us anymore."


Jasper sat up and looked at his bestfriend. He raised his hand up to chest level and made a fist. Rory did the same and they both brought their fist together, nodding at each other with smiles. The promise to stay together no matter what was thrown at them was made with such loyalty, such emotion and all without words. This Night marked the begining of a Journey that started with a promise and could only end in either Glory or Tragedy.


Authors note:This is just a small chapter in what I hope to be a a huge story that all who read can enjoy. Whether you hate it or like it means little to me, I'm writing this because I want to share my ideas that weave themselves into stories that last a life time.[/u]
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Seraphi
General Fiction Mod



Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Topics: 2
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea

Items

Legends
Fables
1827 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Only In Darkness Can We Save Others Reply with quote

Brilliant start, Wolf! I'm glad to see you have a story - and so quickly too! I admit I'm a bit jealous, haha.

Anyway, I found a few things through my read that I hope you don't mind I point out.

Black TearsWolf wrote:
The Night was truly beautiful, is what a lone figure laying on a small hill overlooking the forest thought silently.


I would suggest starting this sentence as a new paragraph, and having the first part as a thought, like this...

The Night is truly beautful the lone figure laying on a small hill overlooking the forest thought.

...or something to that effect. I think it will flow better this way.

Black TearsWolf wrote:
His eyes at first looked cold, as if he were always scowling with his hazel eys. In truth it was just the way his eyes were shaped.


Eyes, eyes everywhere! XD I would suggest another sentence readjustment like...

His hazel eyes looked cold at first, as if he were always scowling, but in truth it was just the way they were shaped.

Again, I think it will help with the flow.

Black TearsWolf wrote:
Jasper himself was a human but definantly not your avearage Human.


Definitely

Black TearsWolf wrote:
The promise to stay together no matter what was thrown at them was made with such loyalty, such emotion and all without words.


Remove the part in bold

Once again, amazing start, Wolf! This story has a lot of potential. I can't wait to read more! Very Happy
_________________
"The aim of literary ambition is to demonstrate one's greatness of soul."
-Mason Cooley


Last edited by Seraphi on Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod



Joined: 05 May 2012
Topics: 16
Posts: 367


Items

Legends
Fables
1341 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting start! Enjoying the friendship between the human and the elemental. Will be looking forward to more chapters. Smile
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Black TearsWolf
Visitor



Joined: 08 Mar 2013
Topics: 2
Posts: 3


Items

Legends
Fables
0 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:49 pm    Post subject: Re: Only In Darkness Can We Save Others Reply with quote

Thanks for the help. Its appreciated. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Items

Legends
Fables
918 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Wolf!


What a great start you have here! I love the very poetic, descriptive element to your writing. It paints a real picture for the reader. I especially loved this paragraph:


Quote:
The Forest was silent and the sky was painted with ever shining stars. The moon hung in her fullest glory, bathing all below with a soft luminence. The Night was truly beautiful, is what a lone figure laying on a small hill overlooking the forest thought silently. As a small stray cloud flew out of the Moon's light the figure was reavealed to be teen dressed in a simple yet elegant tuxedo. His hair was dark ebony black, darker than the norm and some would even say it was as if the Night and he were one. 


Some really powerful pictures are painted in the mind through these few lines. Very well done indeed!


I found a couple of things while reading that Seraphi didn't pick up on...


Quote:
As a small stray cloud flew out of the Moon's light the figure was reavealed


Revealed

Quote:
There was a light wind but he didn't mind and even when it slightly chilled his medium cut hair. 


I think this 'and' needs to go, and replace it with a comma instead.

Quote:
Jasper chuckled and opened his eys to see his long time friend Rory huff with mock anger.


Eyes

Quote:
Jasper chuckled and opened his eys to see his long time friend Rory huff with mock anger. 

Quote:
Both longtime friends gazed up at the sky in comfortable silence. 


I think this description is used too close together. It's been established that they're long-time friends, so one can just go. Smile

Just small things, all of them! Smile


Much enjoyed! Keep up the good work!

_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
plausible_follicile
Resident



Joined: 02 Jan 2013
Topics: 1
Posts: 57
Location: India

Items

Legends
Fables
74 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Wolf!

Nice start to the story. I dont have much left to say, you've pretty much had exhaustive critiques but I will say you need to be weary of repetition of a few words. For eg- eyes in the beginning. It distracts the readers.

Looking forward to more!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Author Message
sagittaeri
Scifi/Experimental Mod



Joined: 05 May 2012
Topics: 16
Posts: 367


Items

Legends
Fables
1341 Strata-gems

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh oh I have a constructive criticism! I have one! Very Happy

You can use a spell-checker to quickly and automatically help you spot most mistakes before posting. Most text editors also come built-in as-you-type spell-checkers. These technologies really saved me LOTS of time...so I thought you might be interested in them, too. Wink
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Reply to topic   printer-friendly view    Storygames Home -> Linear District All times are GMT - 8 Hours
Page 1 of 1
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group. Forum design by mtechnik, customized by City of IF
All site content © City of IF or the respective storygame authors.   Terms of use
Home   Book   Storygames   FAQ   Greek myth   About   Policies