Reiso wrote: |
I am new to this story, but I have painstakingly gone back through all the chapters and read every detail. It is different to take it in all at once.
First things first; this is an excellent story idea that is both very imaginative and full of a variety of unique images. I think it has enormous potential. Initially, I was going to echo the concerns of others in that the story is too rushed, the character is too perfect (not to mention cold and emotionless), there isn't enough challenging our hero and that there is not enough in the way of explanation. And while these things have been true (and still are to a lesser degree), reading it all at once has made it clear to me that there is a remarkable amount of improvement over the course of the story in your writing. I only have two complaints really, and they are minor ones: It seems to me that there is not enough details about how and why things are the way they are. These things may seem obvious to you (being the writer), but they are not always so clear to someone who does not know why you are writing it. Try reading it as a stranger would and think about what would make sense. This is really hard to do, but maybe you know someone who is unfamiliar with the story and could test read for you. Another good way to handle this is to increase character introspection. By this I mean that he could perhaps have more inner dialogue, or even short emotional responses that are reflections of who he is and what shaped him. How did Mack and Mary become his companions for example? Or how can he do all the great things he can (pre-training via last chapter). You say that he does this or that, but you say it in the same manner in which you say he opens a door or eats his dinner - what is physically going on with him when he does these things? How is the magic at work? What visualizations does he use? These things are hard for people to track when they don't know everything about him like you do. The other thing is that I still think things are too easy for him. He keeps stumbling across great things and having to do relatively little in order to accomplish them. Oh look! There is a precious and powerful artifact. Hey over there! That direction that I already happen to be going in leads me exactly where I only now discovered that I need to go! I am not mocking you, honestly, it just seems that everything falls into his lap with a challenge disproportionate to it's benefits. It makes sense, it is only natural for us to want our characters to succeed and like I have said you have made great improvements in this by introducing flaws and losses that do not make him seem so mighty and all knowing, but it could still use a tad more work. Sacrifice is not the same as having essential character flaws that humanize them. It would make the character much more empathetic. Those things aside, great work! I am thoroughly enjoying it, keep it up. |
Ravenwing wrote: |
How do you do it, Reiso? You seem to have put everyone's complaints into once nice post. Anyways I agree with you all points. I like the whole plot, it just needs some more conflict. |
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