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Getting your story taken apart is one of the stipulations for entry. Doesn't matter if [someone is] a contestant or not. Proofing is anyone's and everyone's job. |
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Lyn looked in the mirror at her reflection and sighed. |
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Her daughter appeared behind her in the mirror. She looked barely able to contain herself as she paced back and forth. |
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Sometimes, though, she wished that Kes had never gone
to college. |
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Before all this, she had been such a nice child. |
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Now they wanted to get married! How was that going to work? They had nothing in common, yet still they made lovey-dovey eyes at each other and spoke almost constantly, even when they were miles apart. |
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When they finally arrived at their destination (with its horrid green lawn that looked like a hatching nest of ftang-beasts), |
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it was up to her to knock on the door, to make the introductions, to smile and be pleasant for the sake of her daughter.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Tarrhgni… Tarrihag… Tarrhnigli…” Steve’s mother trailed off with a nervous titter. “I never could get the hang of these foreign names.” |
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They were all treated to the sight of the human and the squid creature sharing a rather squirmy kiss. |
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From the look of the four surrounding faces, it was probably a good job that they hadn’t eaten yet. |
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The Father gave a grunt, Lyn a curt nod. |
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“Calamari.” The woman wore the expression of an eager-to-please puppy, next to a freshly stained carpet. “It’s fresh?” |
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Even Kes looked revolted. Apparently, her university education hadn’t hardened her to the notion of being served dead babies on a plate. She pushed the dish gently away and tried to get the conversation back on topic. The Smiths tucked in with every evidence of enjoyment and her own parents sat in outraged silence. |
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“Silly?!” This time the calamari did end up on the floor. Lyn reared up on her lower appendages, turning a dull peuce with indignation. |
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“Mother – sit down!” Kes said, sternly. “The hats just aren’t built for humans, that’s all. Surely you can understand that? They’re nearly five-feet high, with spiky black tentacles standing out in all directions! |
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“Tiramisu,” smiled their host, finally relaxing in the knowledge that she had, at least, done something right. |
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By the end of the second slice, the party was flowing smoothly. The Smiths began to notice... |
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Kes screamed and ran into the fracas, pulling at Mr. Smith |
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...put paid to... |
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Blows were traded, bites were dealt, scratches numerous… |
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and it all got a bit hazy at that point. Who kissed who first? Which hand slid over squid-skin with anything but the attempt to maim? We shall never know. |
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When Lyn woke up in the morning, though, it was with a sense of utmost horror. She was flat out on the couch, with Mr. Smith draped over her, and half a slice of tiramisu melting between them. |
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She scrambled up, only to fall over Buzz, who appeared to be stark naked and using Mrs. Smith’s breasts as a pillow |
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Mr. Smith was busy glaring at Buzz, who was busy not noticing as he stared at Mrs. Smith’s cleavage. Lyn finally noticed and began to drag him backward by the tentacles. |
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There was the quadruple thud of four bodies fainting simultaneously [insert period]
“What did I say?” she asked, plaintively. |
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'Good job' is a Britishism, I presume?
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If you exceed more than ten spelling or grammar errors, your story will be given back to you to rewrite. So check your work. |
ninja baloon wrote: |
Having a dinner party with all of the worlds super heroes and super villains seemed like a good idea at the time. Everyone was given a hat according to there skills and powers when they came out to the garden. However when it came to them actually all meeting up, it didn't matter if you where good or evil. All the heroes where very competitive. The only ones that got along where the sidekicks and they where busy organising rebellion against there masters.
The heroes and villains came on the condition that they wouldn't try to kill one and other. That didn't stop them trying to show off to each other. The first to instigate the anarchy was Godzilla. When Godzilla found out there wasn't any cake he started jumping up and down like a lunatic. He kicked Superman in the face and nearly crushed Batman. Batman wasn't having this so he decided to started pelting Godzilla with Baterangs. This was a bad idea as this didn't damage Godzilla but just enraged him. What Godzilla didn't expect was Michael Jordan to pop out and start doing air jorditsu on Godzilla's face. While Godzilla was being dazzled by Michaels super fast martial arts |
lordofthenight wrote: |
I don't know - a lot of those (Shady's I mean) weren't so much errors as just alternative, inferior ways of putting them. |
lordofthenight wrote: |
Nallon has no excuse though - but shouldn't you be in your other form for this Powers? |
lordofthenight wrote: |
I don't know - a lot of those (Shady's I mean) weren't so much errors as just alternative, inferior ways of putting them.
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Shady Stoat wrote: |
Much as I'd like to see this turn into a mud-wrestling match |
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I'll have to say that I'm very glad of the critique. I've been moaning for months that nobody will beat the errors and clumsinesses out of my writing - and I'm careful only ever to wish for things that I actually want |
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The only point I would have quibbled about was "she used to be such a nice girl."
I guess it must be an English inflection of the word 'nice', often used by disapproving parents and grannies. Meaning 'decent, respectful, obedient, not having any opinions of their own'. |
The Powers That Be wrote: |
hey, don’t look so surprised, didn’t anyone tell you that I used to be a student here at the Culinary Academy? |
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As much as I tried to discourage his…experimentation and get him to focus on the basics, he insisted. |
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“Ah, beetlesh!” said my advisor. “Now them’sh good eating. That’sh real food there. It was me that urged him to make all those beetles, I don’t mind telling you. Each one a little different tasting. Shplendid shtuff! You there, more wine!” |
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I cringed at the memory. It had nearly destroyed me as it had my dinosaurs. |
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“Oh my,” asked Professor Kaga, “what is this dish that smells so enticing?” |
Shady Stoat wrote: |
In that case, the Britishisms will be replaced, just for you. |
The Powers That Be wrote: |
You know, now that I think about it, there's one more thing I can suggest that would make your story better: give me all your money. |
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