Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
thousand-year eyes |
Kaly wrote: |
She arched on herself instinctively to rid herself of this. Settling down, her thoughts wandered down where it was wont to- |
Kaly wrote: |
Vondra’s body perfused in sweat |
Kaly wrote: |
next five years-
On the condition |
Kaly wrote: |
"Charesima," "Maman" |
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you both are the only ones no one will suspect to have or know of the items. |
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her fragility hid a stout, giant bravery |
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She snapped straight and then splashed the remaining quart of water on her sweltering head and then swiveled her hips and entered the building purposely, her heavy hair leaving a trail of blessing on the concrete porch floor. |
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but she distrusted both Paul and Ben (short for Benedict, the son of Paul Hassello), because many times Ben betrayed many of her innocent soul-secrets as a child and Paul did nothing to chastise his son. |
The White Blacksmith wrote: |
No, you're fine to edit it in. If you think you have good reason for something, feel free to defend it - can lead to very interesting debates, and we'll all learn something. |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
Water. She felt water ripple down from her temple to her arms. She felt water, born of her body, trace the lines of her back |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
She felt a sudden, dully painful jab just to the left of her spine, precisely level with her heart, on the other side of its ribbed encasement. |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
, and she found satisfaction in her nails even though her skin became more aggressively grafted. Her anxiety self-attacks were brutality that was graceful and almost satisfying |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
However, her fragility hid a stout, giant bravery and a calculating mind that raced even as her body labored to relax. |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
The words said that she, Vondra Sanderson (but all her friends liked to call her Vonnie), |
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The first time, I'm not sure why the word 'on' is in there. Typo? The second time, 'it' should be 'they', as you're talking about thoughts plural. However, the whole sentence needs clarifying for me, as I can't really tell where her thoughts are wandering to, whether they're settling (as would be implied by the fact that they're wont to go to this place) or what. |
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Perhaps change 'perfused' here? I think something like 'soaked' would do just as well. Oh, and you need a 'was' because it's passive. |
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What language is this? I know 'Maman' as a French familiar form of mother, but I don't know where Charesima is from, and a quick google turns up no results. Is it just a private term in the family? |
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Wait... their parents had these items, then they died, but they assume no-one will think to check those relatives who were given items in the will? Not a grammar issue so much as that this needs a bit more explaination to make sense logically. |
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You've just gone out of your way to point out that she is a very nervous person, and thinks she's not at all adventurous. How does this tally with a bravery? If you are switching suddenly to an omniscient narrator, you need to make it clearer and not so sudden. I'm also not sure that 'stout' and 'giant' are good words to use to describe courage. Perhaps 'firm, resilent' instead? |
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Woah! A bit too much polysyndaton here, I think. It's fine to have one conjunction, but they slow down a sentence that should read swiftly, as she should seem to be acting decisively. The part about her hair leaving a trail also confused me. I think you mean her hair is dripping, but I just think referring to the water as 'blessing' is over-the top. |
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This whole bit just needs expansion. Give us a flashback of Ben betraying her, give us Paul defending him and claiming "No son of mine would ever do that! Your daughter must be lying!" You're giving us a choice in the DP based on a pretty scanty line, and you're not really giving us a reason why she should go to the Hassellos. |
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You have quite a few run-on sentences, and use far too many commas. There is nothing wrong with using periods, I can assure of that Laughing Short, simple sentences can often work wonders in writing if done properly.
As for the decision point, a smart person would never trust a lawyer. Although the evil lawyer is a bit cliched and over done. I can't think of a soul on this planet that wouldn't read the map alone, so I say do that. The lawyers can come into play at any time. |
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White Blacksmith...
What are we going to do about you? You realize of course, with THAT great crit, you've completely lost any excuse NOT to post a story of your own, right? |
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This is a very good, albeit short beginning. You have a very descriptive way of writing, which could possibly be toned down slightly (don't worry, I used to do it all the time Wink), but it's still a good ability to have. I personally didn't notice the over-use of commas, but then I do over-use them myself, so I mightn't be quite so apt to notice them as being problematic. The only thing I would really say your chapter needs is a little more bulk. It is a short chapter, with plenty going on in it, but could benefit from more information being given at certain parts. Much in the fashion as what Whitey suggested in the final part of her critique. A little more about the Hassellos would be great, in in the way that was suggested, in flashback, it would give us readers a true insight into why Vondra doesn't trust them, as well as giving your story that little bit more flesh on it's very well constructed bones. Aside from that, Whitey seems to have caught all of the typos/things that need working on, in her fabulous crit! |
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Keep up the good work, Kalyssa! |
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A good start Kalyssa, there is good potential in this story and your writing shows promise. As Cren said, it has caught my eye. I only have a few things to point out, and of course take any crits that I have with a grain of salt - if you find they are useful use them, if not just disregard.
I liked the way this was written, good description with plenty of attention to the necessary little details. |
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This is more of a style over preference kind of thing. In my opinion the last part of this sentence is not necessary. I would get rid of everything from ",on the other side of its ribbed encasement." It's a nice detail but for me it slow down the reading. I could be alone in that opinion. |
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I would take out the stuff in the parentheses, and show this through actual dialog with another character who is her friend. Or if she identifies with Vonnie as a person just simply have her call her self by that nickname like you to just a little bit later. |
Kalyssa Summers wrote: | ||
I must have misspelled it. It's an Italian affectionate term. I'll just delete it- I don't have time to check it. Thanks for the catch! |
Mattheus wrote: |
Really enjoyed this story, I guess I agree with those who have said look at the map and not go with the lawyer. Although I'm sure he and his son will make an appearance later on and usually I've found in books and movies that childhood disliking of someone can turn into adult love.....
Just saying that's all |
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