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So excited to see you're writing an SG, Vishal! |
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"You're not Mr. Jannat..." Mitra trailed off, before the spark of recognition hit her eyes. "Wait..."
"Goodbye, love" Rahul said, and fired two shots into her chest. |
Emperor wrote: |
Nice hook! Very much looking forward to the next one! |
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The dialogue jumped around with labels so sometimes it was hard to know who was talking... except the power dynamic and tone was so dramatically different that you tended to work it out. |
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By "family you built" does he mean a made-up family or is this our real family? Makes a difference, but I'm still thinking we should go to the hospital. |
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And ask another time of day |
Vishal Muralidharan wrote: |
I'd also like it if you guys could add this story to your favorites, by clicking the link on the top-right. Thanks! |
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"Fuck you. Fuck your kids. Fuck your family. Fuck your God. Fuck your work. Fuck your fucking voice. Fuck everything. Fuck."
Silence. Rahul could only hear himself breathe. More silence. His breath was slowing down, his heartbeat was getting back to normal, and his rage was quickly being replaced by panic. Were they gone? Were they here? What was happening? Objectively, he knew nothing could be worse than what he was going through. But his body was still panicking. He was still afraid. He still wanted this to end. To be safe. To be home. "Do you know what day it is?" |
Lebrenth wrote: | ||
As for the dialogue, I know what you mean with the extra labels, but I think it's generally worth it. When you aren't sure, put them in. We can read past them quickly. When it's back and forth dialogue, you can skip a few, especially for short replies, but we might lose our place after a few switches. But definitely in a place where there this is a long pause, you should label it, like here:
Either party could be asking and there were a bunch of sentences between. |
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Love that first sentence, by the way. Really shows his defiance and pain at once, and Fuck is one of my favorite words. |
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Only now did he realise how |
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...Definitely his own |
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A couple of bananas, and a poorly made sandwich with eggs, lentils, quinoa seeds, and beets. Some coffee |
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Wow, you guys really like slapping people". No response |
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You know, I was worried about this, but I decided to take the dialogue tags away because this chapter was very dialogue-heavy. I felt like there was a lot of "he said/Rahul said/Jannat said" repeating through the chapter when it was included. If it was difficult to figure out tho, I'd be more than happy to have repetition in my chapter if the trade off was better clarity. Do you think it's fine this way, or would the tags make it better, despite repetition? |
Emperor wrote: | ||
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I have the same issues and don't mind it myself. Though I have also fallen into the trap of letting it go on for too long. Something I have found that balances things is after four or five conversation turns, reminding the reader who is talking. Or I will have the person who is going to talk next do something as they are talking or after to put make it clear. Don't know if that helps |
Vishal Muralidharan wrote: |
Yes. But clarification, just in case it's needed: I learnt, and write in, British English. The American spelling is "realize", and the British spelling is "realise". |
Emperor wrote: | ||
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Lebrenth wrote: |
I'm accustomed to British spelling from a large collection of IF authors from the UK, but "learnt" still sounds so wrong to me |
Vishal Muralidharan wrote: |
I'm sure I'm going to spend all night researching these differences and why they exist now XD |
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Rahul couldn't believe what he'd heard. Language? They wanted him to watch his language?
"Fuck you. Fuck your kids. Fuck your family. Fuck your God. Fuck your work. Fuck your fucking voice. Fuck everything. Fuck." |
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"—You belong to us. Is that clear?"
"What do you want me to do?" |
Novelest_Ninjagirl wrote: |
I loved this part. It injected some levity into the scene without breaking the tension of what was happening to him. It's also how I, despite not being a very sweary person, would probably respond in that situation. |
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I don't know if it was deliberate or not, but I noticed that our man didn't agree here, and I love it. I hope these tiny little disobediences add up. |
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One thing that I did notice part way through is the lack of punctuation in dialogue. There should usually be at least a comma, I think? |
Vishal Muralidharan wrote: | ||
Okay, I ran through the dialogues again, and I couldn't spot any errors. If it isn't too much to ask, could you please let me know where I messed up? I'd love to be able to correct it |
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"Hello," a voice rasped from somewhere in the room. Few seconds later, he felt the warmth of fresh water splash across his face.
"Drink." |
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"Jesus looking motherfucker." |
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"Eat." |
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"Rahul," he answered back. |
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"I know why you're here," Rahul answered. |
Novelest_Ninjagirl wrote: | ||||
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Novelest_Ninjagirl wrote: |
Not comprehensive, but I altered a few to show what I'm talking about. (It might just be a grammar difference between cultures, though.) |
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Is that about the same where you are in India, Vishal? |
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