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Thunderbird
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 Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:46 am Post subject: |
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American CIA on terrorist tracking missions based here.
I really enjoyed this. You may want to work on making sure your eliminating redundancies but overall the writing is still fairly clear which counts for a lot. So... Lust alone is a crime? Just to think and feel it? Kinda makes it harder not to doesn't it? lol... Sounds kinda like fundamentalist Christian ideals. Some fascinating insights there into the cultures across the seas. ''
Due to my own ignorances, I would only ask you to be as clear as possible when identifying the way people think and the cultures those general patterns stem from. My American life doesn't lend itself to being very worldly. Generally, here, if it happens elsewhere it doesn't happen at all according to our news.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 7:23 am Post subject: |
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Haha.. Maybe I should have been clearer yes.
That was partly why I decided to put up a story as such on IF. Figured you guys would be interested in culture overseas.. And thats extremely fundamentalist Islam, btw 
"redundancies"? Sure. I'll work on those 
Thanks for the constructive criticism, T! Appreciate it
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 10:28 am Post subject: |
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I see I need to explain a bit better about the redundancy issue. I'll just quickly show you what I mean from your own text then.
| Quote: | The car blasted through the road and Ahmed managed to hang on to his seat. Ahmed now realized the speed at which the car was travelling at. Ahmed, though having a lot on his mind, began feeling the tension rise. He was close. Close to the answer.
Ahmed patiently waited for this journey to end. The speed at which the car was travelling was phenomenal. Too high for an HM Ambassador. There were hardly any turns and Ahmed hoped there wouldn't be any. His already hurting leg was beginning to deteoriate and Ahmed hoped that The Omar would have some medical facilities.
The car began to slow down and reach normal speeds. It was eident that they were really close now. Ahmed couldn't wait any longer. He first needed to thank Omar, Adawiyah and Abdul for rescuing him. Then, he had to find out who Omar actually was.
The car reached minimal speeds and stopped. Ahmed felt the strong fingers of Abdul undoing the blindfold. With Abdul and Adawiyah's help, Ahmed slowly exited the car. |
(misspellings in red)
Now, not only is that repetitive and sorta stood out as being so when I read it, but every paragraph expresses something about the speed of the vehicle. It made it feel a little like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, not in the imagined experience but in the act of reading it. It might've been better to generalize the travel in a wrap up or within a couple of simple bracket points.
For example, | Quote: | The car blasted through the road and Ahmed managed to hang on to his seat. [remove statement entirely as we already indicate the speed by saying we're blasting through the road] Ahmed, though having a lot on his mind, began feeling the tension rise. He was close. Close to the answer.
Ahmed nervously waited for this journey to end. [Again... simply remove original, adjust the verbage in the previous sentence to carry the message, and restructure the next statement...] This was simply too fast to be traveling for an HM Ambassador. There were hardly any turns and Ahmed hoped there wouldn't be any. His already hurting leg was beginning to deteoriate and Ahmed hoped that The Omar would have some medical facilities.
[suggested rewording]As the car began to decelerate, it became evident that they were really close now. Ahmed couldn't wait any longer. He first needed to thank Omar, Adawiyah and Abdul for rescuing him. Then, he had to find out who Omar actually was.
As they came to a halt [this rewording now removes the reference to the 'car' but says the same thing with improved flow., Ahmed felt the strong fingers of Abdul undoing the blindfold. With Abdul and Adawiyah's help, Ahmed slowly exited the car. |
Now... these are just suggestions. I'm just trying to show how you can eliminate some of the choppy feel to the writing. I wouldn't go into this much depth (and I know I too have a lot to learn yet) but I can see in you a guy who really wants to improve so hopefully you'll see this as constructive. Feel free to debate it out or defend your original wording. I often do when I'm given crits, not to be defensive but to see if what I had in mind when I wrote it has been given its due and if my thinking had equivalent validity originally. This can be just as helpful in the process of learning and development.
Also, keep in mind the advice I've been given by some books on the subject, which is that a wide use of active verbs is one of the best ways to add color and interest to a text. You can see some examples of this in my rewords but I'd also like to send you kudos on your own display of this in the first sentence in that quote. The car 'blasted' ... great term use there!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:24 am Post subject: |
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WOW.
Thanks for putting time into that and giving those suggestions.
Now, I've got rid of those embarrassing typos and reworded the second reference to the speed of the car a bit. Im not quite sure I want to remove that completely.
And yeah, I just read over it again and perhaps there was just too much of the "car". I'll try rewording it a bit in some time and see how it goes.
Thanks SO much again
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 6:18 am Post subject: |
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Polling yet, Sir Mayor?! xD
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:45 am Post subject: |
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*bump* POLLINGG!!!!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:36 am Post subject: |
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Ok, thanks to our mayor kkdestiny, this SG has been resurrected. There are parts of the writing that Im slightly embarrassed about, considering its 4 years old, but Ive decided to leave it as it is.
MAJOR bump. Looking forward to new readers, suggestions and votes
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:52 am Post subject: |
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Will have to re read to fully remember all the details, but so happy that this is back!
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, Vikas! Really like this story - it's intriguing, it's intense, and you've taught me quite a lot more about the culture/politics of the country in these three chapters than I have ever learned in my entire life (thank you good ol' US of A haha).
I may be a new reader, but I am glad that you are going to continue ! I can't say I have any new suggestions for the DP, though, so I look forward to the vote and to what comes next
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 5:58 am Post subject: |
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Haha yayyy, new reader! I must warn you, I have slightly exaggerated the descriptions for storytelling purposes, but it's nice that someone's learning xD
*waiting for more new readers/suggestions*
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 5:04 am Post subject: |
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Vikas! Good to see you still writing too, although I look forward to seeing some more recent work, I appreciate the latest chapter was written a long time ago.
TB pointed out some very good things - and despite your edits, Vishal is right, this chapter isn't as good as the first two. You bounce around from 'WOW IT'S SO FAST' to 'WOW IT HURTS SO MUCH' to 'oh check out this geography'. Round and round. This could have been a much more concise chapter, giving room for better description. It's nice to get a wiki link to the Western Ghats, but compared to the vision of Chennai I got in Vishal's story, I know almost nothing about it. Instead I'm told for the tenth time how fast they're going.
Omar I think should be some long-lost relative. Perhaps an Uncle. Ahmed is disillusioned with everyone he knows right now, and internally it seems he's just begging for some family, family he can just trust and love unconditionally. Being saved by his Uncle I think could work well.
As for his Uncle's background. I don't know enough about the differences between separatists, Naxalites etc, so lets say drug dealer.
Happy Writing
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:20 am Post subject: |
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Haha, exactly what was embarrassing Thanks though, will work on the pacing and structure from here on!
EDIT: Just elaborating. Separatists are outfits that seek the formation of an independent political identity. Quebec in Canada and Catalona in Spain have had seperatist movements for a while now, while the separatists in Eelam, Sri Lanka "started" a civil war that lasted over 2 decades. Basically, separatists want autonomy and political independence- to be separated from the Nation-State that they're a part of, and to establish a new nation.
Using the term "Naxalites" was really my fault, and I'll shamelessly blame this on the fact that I was 15 when I wrote these 3 chapters. That term is used only in India. They're people who seek to overthrow the government through armed rebellion and establish a communist State.
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| Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:55 am Post subject: |
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*BUMP* HATE is now Polling! Get yer votes in xD
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| Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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*bump* Okay, we have a tie. Call for more votes?
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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BUMP.
Poll closed, and am working on the new chapter
Results:
Seperatist: 1
Long Lost Relative: 3
Undercover CIA: 1
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| Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:24 am Post subject: |
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Welcome back, Vikas! Glad to see you back on If and to see this story continue :3
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