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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:10 am    Post subject: Not of the pen Reply with quote

Please be brutal with comments about the story. I am writing in third person. If you think it would be more interesting in story form first person and more of the history is story form. Just throw me a message. If more information needed, just tell me to write all in story form. Thanks for reading.


No matter how hard life is, the things that break you will always in future be your fixes. With every day of sadness and tears, the people who truly are your friends will stay and bring no harm. With every rainy day there is always sunshine for each person who has been living in the dark. Silver linings might be hard to find, like a needle in a haystack. But it is easier to find those who care unconditionally, no matter your flaws. With love of someone, that will fix your shattered heart and replace with some of their own.

Nike was born in a small town Bredasdorp – as non identical twins, a boy and a girl, the first time she met her best friend Lgra-fiti was when it was her 6th birthday. Lgra-fiti was afraid of talking or playing with the others, she hid her head in the corner and tried ignoring every single thing. Nike ignored the others aswell and insisted Lgra-fiti to play with them, telling her to follow. A friendship grew with every new word, new toy and games.

Having the friendship, Nike remembered the first time she and Lgra-fiti was outside ignoring everyone in her birthday. Nike and Lgra-fiti loved ponies. Laughing everyday and eating the fruit at the back yard at Lgra-fiti’s house.

Nike in primary school had to skip math for social and writing classes, as they called it—physical therapist for her right arm and speech. Nike had asked the teacher why she was fixing her word sentences, “Why are you doing that?” The teacher seemed to try tell her what to do.

One day at the physical class. Nike was sitting at a computer having to compare things that look the same. Sadly the teacher walked out and she had to go to the toilet. She made an accident, she told the teacher that she needed the toilet and the teacher said “Nonsense that didn’t happen. ” Nike had wrapped her jacket around her buttocks, while wearing a sweat pants and had to go to the next 5 classes.

Everyday Nike and Lgra-fiti hung out with each other, Nike had always visited everyday. Until Lgra-fiti’s mom said Fridays are acceptable. They had to start concentrating on work. At the physical therapist class it was the last day of being there. She remembered having to write , “a, A. b,B…” etc. When she had to assemble a plastic ball. The teacher said that Nike may have it as a parting gift.

Nike had the joy of a little memento from the teacher, something that improved her imagination completely. She was only 12, to think for 12 years of her life she had to spend being taught how to speak and how to draw. Her handwriting was horrid. She remembered the primary school by standing in those halls. Friends chatting. Nike had gotten the nickname “Eyeball” from a girl called Tell—her nick name was Pita. Having no idea why she was called that, Nike found out a few years later that Eyeball was because she use to get very surprised and would raise her eyebrows.

Standing at the large trees at the age of 15, Nike and her friends scratched their names into trees. Having found out that Eden may not have sugar or even chocolate. She use to have a canister of hot water for tea with no sugar. Nike later found out that Eden was a bit late with growing breasts. Well Nike understood, because if you’re underfed or very athletic you would have little change in your body.

Nike had received a badge as a “Media Prefect” She had sorted books, read them and enjoyed the time she spent with Eden and Marx, apparently Eden and Marx had a rivalry against each other. Nike believed it was because Marx told Nike to write a valentine’s note to a guy Nike had a crush on. That same day Nike’s brother had asked her if she wrote it, Nike said “No” then told the truth. “Yes I did.” Her brother then said, “Don’t tell anyone” Nike nodded.
Back to the rivalry, Eden asked Nike to choose between her and Marx. Nike didn’t choose sides, she played with Eden half the day and the other half at Marx in school.

In grade 6 Nike had a friend called Mel, Every now and again they would give each other a gift. Nike use to get candles from Mel. And Mel got a black beaded bangle. Nike laughed about the day she had to dress like a Clown for a roleplay on stage. It was very rainy and her mother had made the clown outfit.

Another roleplay she had to be a popcorn lady, wearing white clothes with paper popcorn stuck to it. Her friends told her not to jump and say “pop” Instead she did jump and say it, made the class laugh. But it went well because the girls also gave out lolli pops, Nike believed it was a big-fat bribe.

Nike once was friends with a boy named chris, each break they would play Sonic and Tails. After being told to choose once again, by Eden. Nike had to tell him something instead of telling him that Eden said so, she said, “Boys play with boys and girls play with girls.”

The next day the boys and girls were playing together after she asked Chris if he was ok. He had became friends with Gielie. Nike was glad he wasn’t that alone, since then she didn’t talk to guys much. When Grant was in primary school, she had a play date at his house. They played Power rangers. Power Rangers was just like the friendship she had with Chane. The embarrassing thing was that Nike asked to pick up Chane’s dog, picking the dog up after Chane said yes. Putting the dog down, it started barking in pain.

That day she was chased out of their house, having done nothing wrong. Chane had huge life sized teddies in her room, and while playing together she took out Logens throat pills, they would suck on it, and laugh because the M on the thing was to Nike and Chane – Monster. Laughing because they’ll turn into Green monsters.

A longtime ago in primary school everyone teased each other on the Rugby field. Having done a test and standing outside at the stairs, halfway in and out the school. A few people called a guy Hendrik—someone who lays eggs, because Hen means chicken in Afrikaans and drik—to push. So they’d say , Hen Drik. Like laying an egg.

On the rugby field Nike and her Hockey group played outside having bags on the floor for the field trip to beat the other groups in Caledon. What made Nike afraid of trips was not only heights, but the so called haunted house of O.

The match was a tie in Hockey, it was a cold day and as Nike learned from the teacher that they had to keep warm for the sport. Running and "high kicks" were easy during the age of 15.

While Mel and Nike was sitting together they were talking about ghosts and houses, Being told about a haunted house 2 streets from primary school, was surprising to Nike. However Nike having slept over at Tel (Pita), she told that there was a lady ghost who wears white dress and red shoes and who walks in the halls, wailing with a sad voice.

Nike was once dared by Pita to drink a pill from the floor, it looked like a iron pill. Lgra-fiti and Nike was standing near the bathroom, suddenly Lgra-fiti laughed, and Nike and her watched a girl eat leaves off from a tree. Trying to hold their laugh. Behind the bathroom there was an alleyway, Nike and Lgra-fiti didn’t go there as often, but people use to cry in the little alleyway. One person who don’t want to be bothered by anything would usually be there.

In the woods, Nike and Lgra-fiti had been building on a tree house. Stealing wood worker’s wood logs, each time they grab one and built the walls of the tree house and putting in some plastic chairs. Two boys of a mother came along, with her generous mother who gave coca cola to them to allow her boys to play in the tree house that was built between trees and a hill going down.

Thinking back she was friends with twins, Xena and Laura, they use to climb over the wall into someone’s back yard and steal cactus fruit and eat it.

Last edited by Guest on Fri Nov 29, 2013 11:30 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:59 pm    Post subject: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Nike sat silently in the teacher Otto’s class; she was not in the classroom. Mel had written a letter to Nike and passed it on from friend to friend. Asking if Nike was alright. It was grade 6. Nike was sitting 5 seats away from Mel at the left side of the class. Since seats are assigned to each person depending on their grades. Nike didn’t really do any homework at home. Instead she did as most of the class did, write down the unanswered questions from someone else. As often as that happened, writing in your own vocabulary was a must, or you’ll get into trouble.

Whenever there were a story test, read a story and answer it. Nike didn’t actually know what to do? Nike wasn’t someone to remember stuff that seems boring to her.
Sitting next to Mel at the back for the free period, she looked out and saw one guy she had a crush on, he wore a number 14. That crush didn’t last long since the guy with black hair and blue eyes said, “yea, we dated for 5 seconds” Made Nike laugh, but made her feel like she was invisible. Her sister Steph said that her life had always been invisible up until last year of high school.

When ever Nike cried Steph was there for her-- she was the Nannie to her Lilo.
Mel and Nike hang out together at the free period, a few times Nike did not take bread to school, and Mel as sweet as she was gave half of hers. It was spread thick with butter. It was odd for Nike since Mel was the first she met who ate butter so thickly spread. Mel had become one of Nike’s friends whom she would chat and laugh with.

Standing at a stairwell Nike had gone to Lgra-fiti, hanging out and chatting about mostly everything that went on in primary school. Lgra-fiti was one year younger than Nike, Lgra-fiti however was put into school at the age of 8. Lgra-fiti was smart, funny and always someone Nike would tell anything to.

The class intercom rang for Nike to go to Physiotherapy class, the class didn’t know why, so they did what most people at that age did, “Ohhh! Trouble”

During Sunday school Nike did not like answering questions in the classes they had. She would sing with them at times, work in groups, but say nothing to help the questions.

During that class, the priest said to everyone over the microphone, to those who has not given their heart to God please follow me. Nike had followed, she was of the 5 few who followed to repeat and give their hearts to God. It was behind red large curtains in the Dutch Reformation Hall. Saying everyword and everything she had.

Still She knew why she was giving her Heart to God. At age of 10 she was hit by a car, people at home 8 just a street from her house helped her. They asked her questions and she answered them with no fault. Her home, her mom’s number.

When the lady who hit Nike came to the door, she asked if she should go to jail, Nike answered “No, not at all”. She said that, because the lady had the bravery to say she is sorry.

Nike’s brother started laughing for the chalk on the street, Nike’s head band was outlined onto the street.

After a few flute lessons from one of her favourite teachers whom was a coloured lady. Nike had hid inside a rose bush and played the tune that was only 6 notes of Titanic. Usually at the class for the chore the girls would joke about her voice.

At times of the guitar lessons, the teacher said her voice was beautiful. Many times Nike had drank milk or ate chocolate as an excuse not to sing.

Creare was the business’s name that taught her guitar lessons. It probably meant, “creative”.

Many times in primary school a fire alarm would go off and everyone had to hussle neatly into groups of their class.

At the wall Nike had heard that Mel and Marce was fighting with each other. Nike made it her job to get the two girls together and let them talk out the problem. Nike said to each of them alone that she wanted to talk to them. Letting them notice each other at the wall and saw that after talking it out, that they had a friendship again. Many times at the large stairs they would play “lappies”= cloth.

The game was like this: You call Lappie lappie I choose the color green. When the color is chosen the green colour person who had received the color through whisper has to run to the other side before being caught or their catch-caller of the cloth.

Many times Nike and everyone she knew run up a steep wall and would jump back to the floor, Nike had joined the Netball as a back guard of the group. Having to block the girls who wants to score a goal or pass on to the other team mate.

Being in the art class each made a paper mache mask on each’s face and then taking it off they would paint and cut it. They were split into groups to make a show-off for speech about the masks. Nike was paired with Gielie, him being a lion and Nike being a Bear. Her mother helped her by writing a speech for the show, and by drawing pictures, everything was easy to remember.

Having butterflies, but after the show was done they returned to their seats in the school hall and it was other’s turns. About 10 people a day for their own shows.

Last edited by Guest on Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:28 am; edited 2 times in total
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Joined: 02 Nov 2004
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Location: San Diego, CA



PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I only read some of the first chapter. I can see that you are developing your voice and your craft - and by no means does anything I say should discourage that. In fact, I hope it will do the opposite.

From what I did read I thought it might be helpful for you to know that I found it a little hard to read. The flow seemed disjointed, and some of the sentences seemed choppy and not interconnected. If you want more specific examples I can give you my take on it.

Hope this helps.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

please go ahead Emperor. I won't be offended, I need to know.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:30 am    Post subject: Chapter3 -- story form Reply with quote

Off to the sea, Nike, Marz,pheli and Lgrafiti. It was lgra-fiti’s birthday, they use to go every birthday. Nike laughed because she took a photo of a empty grasspath.

Sending a multi media message to a girl. It was probably just a phase in that girls’ life. But both Lgra-fiti and Nike laughed because with the picture stood the words, “can you see me?” The girl was obsessed on vampires. Nike told the girl through message that her name was Nightwalker.


“I thought you were friends?”

“No, not really”

“My mom is taking us on a hiking trip.”

“So that is why I had to pack extra clothes?”


“The girl left her boyfriend and thought I was a guy.”

“why so?”

“I told her that I saw her at the sing-along inter-schools. I also told her the first time I messaged, to wear a black dress and stand outside.”

Nike and Lgra-fiti was climbing out the golden car, the car had a glass roof to look through. It was a large mountain with rivers and water falls. The place was serene and silent. Nike and Lgra-fiti walked next each other.
The place was full of large trees, old broken homes. A long dusty path to walk through. And in the distance was a mountain with a little water fall at the horizon.

“I told her that I and you three were werewolves and we are all female”

“Tell me more what you said?”

“Ok, I told her the first time that I was being chased down by police and my knee was pierced with a javelin, whilst trying to get away.”

Lgra-fiti called Nike, Pheli, Marz. All climbing over rocks, and walking across a river. Where they wanted to swim. Only Lgra-fiti’s mother said there might be bacteria’s in the water.

Miss-stepping Nike’s one Takkie-shoe got wet. When climbing the dusty path up to look down from the area. They could see all the trees, everything beautiful. Nike and Lgra-fiti laughed.

“It looks so small and faraway.”

“It scares me—the heights I mean.”

“You didn’t seem afraid.”

“I guess, I didn’t think about it until now-” Nike added, “The green is beautiful, one day I’d like to see Ireland. I hear their grass meadows are shocking green.”

“I remember at the Bazaar of highschool we had to dress up as Rugby players, and the guys as cheerleaders. I kept telling people I was a Scottish rugby player—whilst wearing the yellow and blue, but it was the Highlanders’ rugby shirt.”

Marz and Pheli was preoccupied in an area, where it was being fixed up to sit for a while. Lgra-fiti’s mother was an artist and that was why Lgra-fiti was so crafty. Her mother use to paint murals and pictures of scenery.

One of the paintings was of Lgra-fiti bending down to pick up a sea shell.

“Time to go everyone, you don’t want to get burnt.” Said Lgra-fiti’s mom.

Repacking and climbing in the car, each was drinking on coca cola. Life was in the car as music played, the CD Lgra-fiti got for her birthday, Kelly Clarkson- “since you been gone” was playing.

At her home, Nike and the other two was packing for a sleep over. Pulling the bed pieces all into the middle, so they could chat. They laughed, especially Nike and Lgra-fiti. Lgra-fiti, never liked closing her room door. So her mother would hear them laugh. And when she comes around, the would pretend to sleep.

They looked at the stars from her large room windows. They had fruit that was blooming. Nike started singing, “I see the moon and the moon sees me, blah blah.”
Lgra-fiti started laughing like she has never heard of it before.

Waking up the next morning, everyone put on clothes, ate at the table. Everyone who slept over was in a small little swimming pool. It held everyone cool from the heat. It was Marz,Pheli, Lgra-fiti and Nike. Also Her niece was there. Playing with the water hose, it went a bit skew and sprayed her niece. Nike and Lgra-fiti started to laugh—but held it. Her niece was a little bit of a cry baby when something happened to her. Nike and Lgra-fiti apologised and drying off they all followed Lgra-fiti’s mother into the woods with a pick nick basket. It was great, Lgra-fiti’s mother was afraid something might happen to them. It was a week after a flood had broken the river and the street, including a quarter of Nike’s home surrounding wall.

“That happened in your area? You should see what happened in the forest”

“Whoa. That is awful, Look at the deep crevice. Must have been some flood.”

Everyone sat down on the grassy field close to the forest and each drank and ate. Taking Potato chips, they dipped it in Fanta Orange or Grape. Laughing and daring each other to mix their drinks.

“Hey, its not bad”

“you should see what my brother and his friends do, they mix salt,coke, things that aren’t normally thrown into a drink.”


“Also they were jumping off our Caravan’s roof onto bedding. It was a crazy idea, but atleast their ok.”

Nike looked over to Lgra-fiti’s younger brother with his friends, they were playing with a netball—soccer. They joined in by making group- girls verses boys.

The ending of the party was at night, having a large imagination, bravery, they played hide in the dark. Telling everyone not to hide in the woods or a black wolf will bite them especially a snake, only 16 meters away from the house was a dog called Monti, a very angry police guard dog.

Nike’s dad came along and so had to go home. Luckily they only lived 3 blocks away from each other. Nike told Lgra-fiti that she will visit as soon as she can.
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