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Klafarius
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 Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:52 pm Post subject: Biv-Wacked! Reboot SG |
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Warning! This Story Game contains Strong Language and Violence!
Chapter One
Whoever said war was an honorable and commendable profession should have his honorable and commendable ass shot, and with the day Jack had he was perfectly ready to pull the trigger.
Jack sat in a pitched armored tent with two of his lieutenants going over troop movements while waiting for confirmation of the deaths of the commanding general and his chief of staff while they had been traveling to the base camp. Of course Jack already knew that the general was dead because he had watched the damned convoy go up in a blaze of glory when the Nehlig attack ships had swooped down and blown them to kingdom come.
The brainiacs in the Battle Assessment Tech corps, or BATs as they were called, had predicted such a thing might happen but the pompous ass of a general insisted that a show of faith on the part of the Armed Forces would go a long way to cementing the permanent truce and end the war. As the BATs had also predicted, the truce had been another stall tactic while the Nehlig prepared for an assault against her majesty’s Royal Armed Forces.
No Shit.
Wiping out the convoy had effectively reduced the 105th battle platoon’s officer complement from five to one, the one being Jack of course. At the outset of the campaign there had been around twenty officers ditched on this worthless piece of real estate but as the fighting increased and casualties mounted, that number had dwindled to five. Of the five, two had died in the convoy (may the general and his god damned assistant’s souls rot in hell), one had been assassinated by a sniper while relieving himself behind a boulder (bets had been taken as to which head had been shot first), and the fourth officer had the gall to die of a heart attack (while fucking his chauffer). Yep, life for Commander Jedidiah A. Caz, Jack for short, couldn’t get any worse. Or so he thought.
“Incoming!” shouted a voice over the blower seconds before a barrage of rapid blaster fire tore through the camp as a Nehlig combat skimmer came in low and fast for a strafing run. The sound of the anti-air cannons return fire shook the earth around the base camp.
Commander Jack closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to ignore the headache that threatened to turn into a migraine.
“How the hell did I get mixed up in this?” Jack muttered to himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DP Time! How does this whole mess start out? Is it a Conscious decision to enter the military. Is it a draft? Is Jack seduced into submission, hit over the head and thrown on a bus only to awaken wearing fatigues and holding an automatic blaster? Who knows but anything goes!
Last edited by Klafarius on Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:47 pm; edited 20 times in total
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Fenris
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| Posted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Bada da da daaaa I'm lovin it.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:28 am Post subject: |
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How does he get into this mess?
He's actually drafted into the army under somebody else's identity. He lost at a card game and couldn't pay up, so his forfeit was to take the other guy's place.
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Traveller
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:23 am Post subject: |
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Nah...he was born into it...The army here recruits from within and Jack was born in a Birthing Camp where he has been trained right from Day 1
Good beginning, Klafarius...Not much to crit right now but I will watch for more as the story begins to take shape...T.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 9:42 am Post subject: |
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Amnesia. He was found, aged about 16, wandering about with no memory of anything. Being too old for an orphanage and too young for retirement (and, what's more, not showing up on any of the records of the state) he was drafted into the army.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:34 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting DP and an interesting writing style. Brief but active.
I like CF's idea, but how about this: He willingly joined the military not only to pay off his education loans, which were enormous, but to try to get with a female officer he'd met and fallen for.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice.
But how bout this?
He's actually a successful and popular soldier in an entirely different nation, separate from the Nehlig and whichever nation the Royal Armed Forces protect. But the leader of that nation sends him on an "infiltration" mission into the Royal Armed Forces, thinking that he would be easily uncovered and put to death. And thus a rival for the popularity of the people would be dealt with.
However, Jack is much more successful than he should have been, and becomes an officer. And now he has no idea how to get any of the information he has back to his home nation, because none of them really set up handlers or other standard measures for getting and retrieving information, because they thought it was a suicide mission.
Or that could be too complicated and we could go with one of the other options already up. I have to say, I am partial to Crunchy's.
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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The First Poll is up for 7 days! Lets vote and see where Jack begins his odd Journey!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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Oooh. What a great collection of options. 
... and voted!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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| That's hilarious CF! We both voted for options OTHER than our own... lol.
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Fenris
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Voted for the "sucked at poker" option.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 11:48 am Post subject: |
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And a goodly collection of votes, too!
So, Klaf, when's the next chapter?
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Amichan
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know guys I could be wrond but this seems a little short .. yes we know the scene and little bit of the background but we know very little about the character Perhaps this could be expanded more on the next chapter . overall though wording is excellent
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Crunchyfrog wrote: | And a goodly collection of votes, too!
So, Klaf, when's the next chapter? |
Going to start work on the chapter tonight! Hopefully I will have it done by next week.
I have had a lot of idearium lately!
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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Okay Guys. I've fiddled around with several idea's about how this whole thing starts.
What I am wondering is if it is alright with you, the Voters and Readers of Biv-Wacked, if I combine the voted DP of how jack gets into his current situation which is the "He's actually drafted into the army under somebody else's identity. He lost at a card game and couldn't pay up, so his forfeit was to take the other guy's place." with what was at the time a random chance of Idearium as I made up the DP which was "Is Jack seduced into submission, hit over the head and thrown on a bus only to awaken wearing fatigues and holding an automatic blaster." Of course this is not going to be used exactly as written but as it is actually really close to the idea I have been toying with as to how the story continues after the game.
Because you the Voters and Readers are a major part of how the story is constructed and written I want to ask permission before I commit myself to my current course of Idearium.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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| I suppose you have a lot of options available to you as the author. Try to stay true to the decision point but aside from that, why not embellish as you see fit?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:34 am Post subject: |
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You can be as creative as you like when working the DP outcome into your new chapter. It can come up with all sorts of twists.
I'd say as long as the card game, the new identity and the forefit feature somewhere as the reason (or one of the reasons) for him getting into that mess, the way you actually move him from his old life to his new existence in the Army is totally up to you!
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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Part 2
Jack stared at his cards; an ace of hearts, an ace of spades, a five of diamonds, a five of clubs and a jack of diamonds, not bad, not great. It was his bet. Jack’s eyes strayed to the pile of chips in the middle of the table then slid to the small pile of chips in front of him. The amount was pitiful, a measly one hundred thirty-five fables left.
His eyes took in the faces of the three other players in the game. Nothing. “Thirty-five” said Jack picking up the chips and tossing them onto the pile.
“Call” said the man next to him on his left.
“Call” said the guy across from him in the felt fedora.
The man wearing the tie on his right slowly smiled. “I’ll see your bet and raise you hmmmmm…” Jack knew what was coming. He thought fast. “…all you have left.” The man in the tie leered. “Or is that too much for you sonny?”
Jack sighed inwardly, five thousand fables gone. The man in the tie tossed chips on to the pile. “I’ll see your one hundred,” said Jack placing his remaining chips into the middle. “And I’ll raise you…” Jack placed his cards face down on the table and started to reach into his back pocket. The three men stood up quickly.
“Hold it sonny,” said the man in the tie.
Jack looked up. “What? I’m getting my wallet.” The man on his left walked over to Jack and unceremoniously removed Jack’s wallet from his pocket.
“Hey!” said Jack grabbing at his wallet but the man wearing the tie pushed Jack back into his seat. The man opened the wallet and spent a moment looking through the credit card pockets and pictures. Satisfied, he showed it to the two other men.
“Cute pictures,” said the man wearing the fedora tossing the wallet back to Jack.
“What the fuck was that all about?” said Jack catching the wallet in mid-air.
“Making sure you’re not cheating,” said the man on his left.
Jack glared at the men as he opened his wallet and took out the five fable bill that was in the bill fold. “I raise five fables,” said Jack unfolding the bill and placing it carefully on the pile of chips. The three men laughed. “What?” said Jack picking up his cards and holding them while he waited for the men to tell him what was so funny.
“You raise five bucks?!” said Necktie laughing some more. Jack slammed his cards down to the table.
“Yes, five fables. It’s all I have left.” The three men settled down after a minute.
“Okay, five it is,” said Lefty. Jack glared at each of them as he picked up his cards, shuffled the loose ones back into place, turned then edgewise and tapped them five times quickly on the table then turned them upright again fanning them out in front of him.
“I’ll call,” said Lefty.
“Me too,” said Fedora.
“I’ll go easy on you. I call,” said Necktie.
Lefty had two pair, twos and sixes and a five of spades. Fedora had three sevens, a two and a four. Necktie had three three's and the other two aces. Jack grimaced, stacked his cards once again, tapped them twice on the table and with a flourish spread them out on the table.
He was showing an ace of hearts, an ace of spades, a five of diamonds, a five of clubs, and a five of hearts. “Full house gentlemen, Five's High.” Jack said smiling broadly. The three men stared at Jack as he started to gather chips from the center of the table.
“Wait,” growled Necktie. Jack looked up from the pile of chips and suddenly became very uncomfortable. Three small blasters pointed at his head.
“What the hell?” said Jack taking a step backwards.
“That’s funny,” said Necktie.
“Wh…what is?” stammered Jack looking from man to man to man.
“How could you have this card…” said Necktie picking up the five of hearts off the table “when I have the same card right here?” He reached into his jacket and pulled a card out of an inside pocket. Jack swallowed hard. It was the five of hearts.
“Um… okay, I can explain…” said Jack backing up a few more steps.
“Kid, don’t worry, we’re not mad at you. Just tell us how you did it.”
Jack frowned “You’re not?”
The three men looked at each other. “Kid, we’ve been hustling cards for years now. Just tell us how you did it.” Jack stood silently still not knowing what to do. “Look kid, I don’t mind being hustled, you win some, and you lose some. It’s a talent to out-cheat a cheat. I’m impressed, but I want to know how you almost got away with it.” said Fedora indicating the card.
“If I show you you’ll let me go?” The three guys looked at one another.
“Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t we? Although you will of course no longer be allowed into our games. Unless it’s a friendly game, no bets of course,” said Lefty.
Jack nodded. “Okay.” The three men lowered their guns down and Jack walked over and took the card from Necktie and carefully removed a thin sheet of plastic from the face of the card. “This is a nanofilament screen. When you remove it from the card it resets itself… see?”
The screen was bare as Jack held it up for the men to see. “I had it on the five dollar bill then removed it when I set the bill onto the pile of chips. I then picked up my pile of cards and placed the screen on the bottom card.” Jack placed the Jack of diamonds into the palm of his hand.
“I made sure the screen was secured to the card.” Jack tapped the card face down onto the table, “See?”
The men nodded. “Then you turn the card on its side and tap it up to thirteen times, once for each value up to king.” Jack tapped the card four times then turned the card right side up. The card had a number four in the corner. “Then you tap the bottom edge for each suit.” Jack tapped the card three times and the front of the card showed a four of diamonds. “See?”
“How does it know the face of the card? Each deck of cards is different,” asked Lefty.
“The screen scans the face of the card. I’m not sure about any more than that. Anyways I’ve showed you how it was done. Can I go?”
Fedora took the card away from him while Necktie turned Jack around to face him. “In a minute sonny. Just give me a minute more and thanks for showing us the trick. We will be more careful next time. However, you were caught cheating and while my two associates here do not mind letting you waltz right out that door I have a bit more pride than that.”
Jack looked at Necktie confused. “Yeah but you were cheating as well.”
Necktie nodded. “True, but I didn’t get caught, you did.”
Jack went cold. “But he said I could leave if I showed you--”
Necktie cut him off. “We are going to let you go….but the matter of my terms have not been settled as of yet. My associates here have given you their offers, which they have accepted if my guess is accurate.”
“What are your terms then?” asked Jack still eyeing the blasters.
“Double.”
“Double what?” said Jack as Lefty came around the table to stand behind him.
“Double your entire contribution to the game.”
“But…but that was all I had! I don’t have ten thousand fables.” Screeched Jack darting looks around the room looking for a way out.
“I was afraid of that.”
The butt of a blaster slammed into the back of Jack’s head and the world winked out. Necktie stared down at Jack’s unconscious body. Putting his blaster away, Fedora held the nanofilament screen to the light with one hand and with the other produced an envelope from inside his jacket handing it to Necktie. Necktie opened the letter and read its contents. By the time he finished he was smiling a wolfish grin. “Perfect setup.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Last edited by Klafarius on Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:09 pm; edited 3 times in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. Innovative way of cheating. Small problem. Four of a kind beats a full house. So Necktie won that hand....
Not that that was a big part of the story; Just bothered me.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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| DeadManWalking wrote: | Very nice. Innovative way of cheating. Small problem. Four of a kind beats a full house. So Necktie won that hand....
Not that that was a big part of the story; Just bothered me. |
Whoops, sorry! Fixed it.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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Better. Now just waiting eagerly for the next DP. 
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| Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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Heh... poker. Yes, very clever. I would have liked to have gotten a better picture in mind of the players at the table, but all in all, it was easy to read and an amusing chapter. Since there apparently is no DP, I'll just say I'm lookin' forward to more!
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:25 am Post subject: |
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I have a sneaking suspicion the next installment will be the second part of the first DP combo he was talking about.
Interesting that Jack is betting in Fables.
Is there more to this than meets the eye?
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2
There were two things that wormed their way into Jack’s sluggish mind as he returned to consciousness. The first was the fact that his head felt like a xylophone being played by a toddler. The second was the subtle smell of alcohol. Jack cautiously opened his eyes and found himself staring into another pair of eyes, the most beautiful brown eyes he’d seen. “Where am I?” asked Jack of the red haired goddess that stood over him.
“You’re in hell,” said the goddess.
“Ah, was I that bad?”
“No, worse.”
“How?” asked Jack feeling himself falling into those brown pools.
“You’re still alive and now that you’re awake, you have to put on your uniform and report to the drill sergeant.”
“What?” said Jack sitting up so fast that it felt like his brain played ping-pong around his skull. He grabbed his head with both hands and forced his gorge back into his stomach. “Ow, remind me not to do that again.”
“I’m Nurse Jayla. You are currently at the Armed Forces Training Base Helio One, nicknamed ‘Hell’,” she said taking a medicompule and pressed the microneedle into a vein on the back of Jack’s hand. The throbbing in his head subsided to a dull ache.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. The AFP’s, Armed Forces Police, said that three men dropped you off at the gate stating you had gotten drunk at a going away party and hit your head when you passed out.”
“More like they pistol whipped me and hustled me into the trunk of their hovercar no doubt,” said Jack bristling in anger.
“Oh dear,” said Nurse Jayla walking over to a counter and picked up a message flexy. She brought it over to him. “I take it your name is not Armond Lakey?”
“No, it’s Jedidiah Caz.”
“Apparently you had no other identification on your person when you were dropped off. The men vouched for your identity. Do you have some other form of ID?”
Rat Bastards! Jack thought. “I’m registered with the local authorities through a DNA conscription service stemming from a false charge lodged against me as required by the United Territories Criminal Indictment Act. As you know I am required to inform you that I have given this information freely and willingly without a legal representative present or required by myself.” Jack said running through the all too familiar litany of legal jargon.
Nurse Jayla sighed. “You’d be surprised but this happens more often than you would guess. I’m going to have to make a few calls before you can leave the room. I’m also going to have to have the AFP’s escort you to the administration building so you can get this straightened out.” She walked to the door, taking a clipboard from the counter. Jack had a weird suspicion that his day was far from over and it was going to get worse.
It was not very long until he was proven right. After filling out several forms for Nurse Jayla, two armed AFP’s took him from the infirmary to the administration building next door where he sat cooling his heels for an hour waiting to speak with one of the clerks. After he explained the situation the clerk was absolutely happy to not be able to help him stating that his personal security clearance was too low as to allow access to civilian files and that if he were to have a seat the major in charge would be thrilled to assist him.
Three hours later he was ushered into a modestly bare office where a lone figure sat behind a desk. As Jack once again explained the situation that he currently found himself in, the Major’s face failed to register the appropriate emotions of outrage and embarrassment that Jack had expected. In fact the Major smiled at him indulgently as he turned to the outdated data terminal and started entering information on an abhorrently inconvenient device that until then Jack had only seen in old movies. What was it called? A keyboard? Jack couldn’t quite remember nor did he try very hard. His head still hurt.
“Well, Jed. Let’s see what we can do to remedy the problem your in.” The Major stopped typing and looked at the display before him.
“It’s Jack.”
“Hmmm…What is?” said the Major not bothering to look at Jack.
“My name is Jack.”
“It says here on this form that your name is Jed.” said the Major manipulating the touch screen of the display.
“No, My given name is Jedidiah Alexandrous Caz aka Jack.”
“Uh huh…Okay.” said the Major glancing toward one of the AFP’s stationed near the office door. “Jack. Would you please insert your finger into this DNA collector for verification of your identity per UTCIA authority granted to military personnel under section one thousand dot five dot three dot zero zero dot one subparagraph H.” The Major pulled a small cylindrical tube of metal out of his desk and handed it to Jack who in turn placed the appropriate digit into the device. There was prick of the finger, Jack winced, withdrew his finger and another of the indulgent smiles as the Major took the tube back. Manipulating the display screen the Major put on a headset and made a phone call.
“Yes this is Major Smith from the RAFTB Administration Division. Can I speak to Detective Manfred Jones. Thank you.” There was a pause while the Detective was being reached.
“Hey Manny! How are you! Oh she’s fine. Hey look I got another biv-wack here who needs to be verified…” Jack tuned out the rest of the conversation as his head began to pound in time with his heart.
The verification of his identity came in just before the Major was scheduled to go off duty. Turning to him the Major grinned like an idiot. Somehow Jack wasn’t reassured. “Alright, everything is straightened out.” Jack looked bleary eyed with pain in the Major’s general direction.
“Thank you Major. How do I get to town from here?” asked Jack standing up.
“Town?”
“Yes. Town. If you’ve cleared everything up I would very much like to get back into town. Maybe I can find the bastards who did this to me.” said Jack mulling over the several nasty ways to torture a human being.
“I’m sorry. Your not leaving.” said the Major flatly.
“Excuse me.” said Jack.
“Apparently you were under the impression that you were going to be released?” asked the Major a puzzled look on his face.
“Hell, Yes I want to be released. I’m not Armondo Dicklickey or whoever the fuck hit me over the goddamned head.” said Jack anger replacing his pain for the moment.
The Major shrugged, his smile and tone of his voice turning ice cold. “Listen closely asswipe. I don’t give a shit who the fuck you think you are; Private Jed. You showed up on this base with a valid draft note. Whose, I don’t care. The paperwork we have just gone through means that YOU will receive the standard salary and bonuses due a draftee as well as a pension if you should ever reach a rank to justify it. As for…” The Major looked down to the message flexy attached to a clip board. “…Armond Lakey his name goes into the hat for the next round of draftees. Now get out of my office before I have this AFP throw your ass out, in fact show Jed to his new quarters and make sure his ass stays there got it.” The AFP flipped the clasp over the butt of his blaster, ready to draw it if the need arose.
“Yes, Sir.” said the AFP.
The Major gave Jack a broad genuine smile and even waved while the guard escorted him from the office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DP Time. Where do we go from here? Does Jack try to escape only to be clobbered again? Does he trash the barracks? Does he sit on his bunk sulking? Does he make the best of a bad situation and ride it out? You guys decide!
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:31 pm Post subject: |
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At last an explanation for the name!
Anyways, lol.
I saw it coming, but it was funny anyways. There's obviously not much Jack can do right now; resistance is, as they say, futile. So i say just concentrate real hard on remembering the name Armond Lakey and hope that fate (and the government) eventually puts him in the army and in your squad, preferably at a lower rank.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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He makes his one phone call... Ok, maybe he's got more than that allowed to him. I mean this isn't jail... right? To whom does he make his call? I suppose his closest contact, (relative/friend) that he thinks would be able to help, if not physically than at least to hear his pleas for help.
I thought there was a sort of explanation for the name there, but I didn't catch it clearly... was it just another bureaucratic expression? (I liked the humor in those by the way).
This chapter was humorous and enjoyable to read with very few mistakes, though I thought I did see one somewhere but I can't seem to find it again... so maybe not.
Nice work!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 1:39 am Post subject: |
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A good and entertaining read.
I say he bides his time and tries to compare his ordeal with those of of his new draftees. Information is what he needs now!
Good stuff!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 5:39 am Post subject: |
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And congrats on the sticky status! 
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 11:58 am Post subject: |
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Well, given that we know he rises to a high position, I say he tries to escape. He fights like a madman and almost succeeds in his incredibly risky plan, but it recaptured and thrown into intensive training.
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:00 am Post subject: |
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Poll Up for three days this time! Moreover I wanted to let you guy's know that my posts might become a little spaced out do to the fact that I have a brand spanking new baby, but I WILL still be updating my story games!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:23 am Post subject: |
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Congratulations! 
Lots of joy and sleepless nights to come!
(...and voted!)
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:42 am Post subject: |
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Thanks to my incredibly sophisticated choosing method (ip dip sky blue, for those of you who want to know), I too have voted.
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Amichan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with crunchy Information is needed but jack does need to find out his assailants . where they went what they did to him
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Klafarius
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Crunchyfrog wrote: | Congratulations!
Lots of joy and sleepless nights to come!
(...and voted!) |
 Sleepless nights have already started! 
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| Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:26 am Post subject: |
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Here are the results!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Resistance is, as they say, futile.
20%
20% [ 1 ]
He makes his one phone call... I suppose his closest contact, (relative/friend) that he thinks would be able to help, if not physically than at least to hear his pleas for help.
0%
0% [ 0 ]
I say he bides his time and tries to compare his ordeal with those of of his new draftees. Information is what he needs now!
20%
20% [ 1 ]
I say he tries to escape. He fights like a madman and almost succeeds in his incredibly risky plan, but it recaptured and thrown into intensive training
60%
60% [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 5
Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Kang, The White Blacksmith, Thunderbird
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Going to be very liberal with the timeline on this chapter and say that I hope to have it done in a couple of weeks! Maybe sooner.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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Cool. Look forward to it when it's up!
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| Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:02 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 3 Part 1
Jack’s anger rolled off him in almost visible waves. He had been cheated, beaten, lied to, threatened, and humiliated all in a single afternoon. A fuse blew somewhere deep within Jacks irascible brain and drawing upon a hidden reserve of adrenaline, fury, and animalistic instinct Jack became aware with near clarity almost everything around him.
Two guards, one to the front and one behind him, weapons holstered but unbuckled ready to draw. There were miscellaneous soldiers running errands between different buildings or milling about talking to one another and laughing for one reason or another. The main gate to the base was guarded by two AFP’s who controlled the gate from inside a small guard house although now Jack could see a small one person walk through entrance on the opposite side of the guard house that had been left open fifty or so yards from where he was being lead by the guards. Time slowed for Jack as he saw the perfect opening, an unblocked path formed as soldiers magically parted.
In later years Jack would remember the following events in awe and astonishment because for all intents and purpose he should not have made as far as he did nor should it have worked so well.
Jack acted swiftly and without thinking. He faked a stumble that brought the rear guard close enough for Jack to grab the arm that shot out to catch him. Jack pulled the guard closer to himself, stepped to the guards side and in an almost dance like twirl launched the surprised guard toward his partner. The effect of which sent both guards ass over teakettle to the ground in a sprawling heap of limbs and cursing. Without so much as a breath or a backward glance Jack blitzed for the opening.
Thirty yards from it another soldier moved into his path and with a roar Jack hunkered down aiming for the opening between the man’s legs, Jack used his speed and upper body to send the man flying over his head. He heard the soldier hit the ground with a yelp of pain. Pouring on the speed Jack saw two more figures interpose themselves between him and the yawning maw of freedom. Bellowing in rage Jack launched a leaping kick to the left figure as soon as it got close catching it in the stomach just as the figure on the right veered toward him with the obvious intention of trying to grab him and instead Jack lashed out with a right hook smashing in the figures nose and loosening more than a few teeth. These obstacles dealt with Jack once again focused his attention toward his goal.
Fifteen yards…Ten yards…Five yards. Jack howled in animalistic triumph that turned to pain as something stabbed him in the shoulder. His legs, to his amazement, turned the consistency of gelatin and his brain, rather uncharacteristically, decided that while leaving was a high priority it would rather contemplate the meaning of oblivion.
Jack was unconscious when his face hit the pavement just outside the gate.
***
Master Sergeant Thomas Dinwiddie holstered the high velocity dart pistol and started toward the slowly growing crowd of soldiers hovering over the crumpled form just outside the main gate. The two upstaged AFP’s and a few of the gawkers saluted as he approached. He returned the salute automatically.
“Well, this isn’t a strip show people. Return to your duties.” Barked Dinwiddie in a tone of voice that suggested each of them find at least five other places to be. Dinwiddie turned to the AFP’s who were looking a little embarrassed and flustered considering they had just been bested by an inept and obviously uncoordinated civilian. “Alright. Which of you two numb skulls wants to start giving me a good reason for darting this asshole and saving you a court martial?” Dinwiddie pointed down at Jacks unconscious form.
The voice that answered came from behind him. “He’s a biv-wack; just in.” Dinwiddie turned and saluted Major Smith.
“Biv-wack, eh. Then why the hell is he here and not in a cab back to the city?”
The Major smiled that infuriating smile of his and said. “Rehabilitation.”
“Rehabilitation?” Repeated Dinwiddie knowing all too well where this conversation was headed.
“Rehabilitation. It seems this guy, Jed or Jack or whatever the fuck his name is, showed up under someone else’s draft notice. When I talked to the locals, they found a rap sheet long enough to wipe your ass with, only nothing ever seems to stick. Knowing that at this moment we are, oh how could you say, understaffed the locals petitioned for and received a Military and Civil Judicial Armed Forces Recruitment Waiver.”
Dinwiddie nodded. “I thought you needed both a civilian judge and a military special circumstances judge ranked no less than Brigadier General to push that kind of paperwork through?”
The Major’s smile turned smug. “Apparently today is their weekly hologolf game.”
Dinwiddie repressed an eye roll. “Who is he assigned to?”
Major Smith thought for a moment. “Training company E I believe.”
Dinwiddie nodded again. “I want him.” For the first time in a long time Dinwiddie was actually surprised to see the smile on Major Smith’s face wiped off and replaced with open mouthed astonishment.
“You? You want this…this piece of shit?” The Major looked incredulous.
“Yep. This piece of shit took out two AFP’s, a hand to hand combat instructor, two seasoned infantry men and still managed to run forty-five meters in under a minute and a half. That’s talent that I can work with as opposed to the majority of the meat bags you administrative types assigned me for this training session.” Dinwiddie pointed at Jack then the two medics working on the infantryman Jack had decked. “This kids got guts and brains if he was able to outwit the local authorities as often as you say he did. I want him assigned to my training company immediately.”
To Dinwiddie’s amazement the Major’s jaw actually dropped further before regained his composure. “Absolutely not! The paperwork has already been pushed through. It would take at least a week to get all the right forms and signatures to change anything now.” Major Smith indicated with a nod for the two AFP’s to pick Jack up.
Dinwiddie motioned for the Major to come closer and in a conspiratorial whisper said. “If you don’t get that soldier reassigned to my training company your going to be spending tomorrow explaining to your wife why she suddenly has pictures of you and Colonel Andrew’s secretary in flagranti delicto at this last years Christmas Ball while she was at home nine months pregnant. If you’re lucky it would only tie up your military, private and social lives for six months minimum while a Judge decided which testicle she could have to shove down your throat.” Dinwiddie smiled for the first time in this conversation. “A week or six months of your time Major?”
The range of emotions that crossed the Major’s face ran the gambit. First shock, then anger, then fear, then anger again, then contemplative as he added up the net worth of his prized possessions, subtracted the approximate amount of money his wife would insist was her half and then subtracted child support for the next seventeen years, only after was defeat and acceptance.
There was no smile on the Major’s Face now when he looked at the Master Sergeant. “Alright you fucking bastard the transfer paperwork will be done first thing in the morning.”
Dinwiddie shook his head. “Tonight.”
The Major’s face flushed with anger once more. “I’m off duty now!”
Dinwiddie raised an eyebrow. “Are you?”
The Major’s shoulders slumped in resignation. “Alright…alright. I’ll get the paperwork off tonight.”
Dinwiddie clapped the man on the back. “Good. When the new orders come in make sure a copy is forwarded to me.” Dinwiddie motioned for the AFP’s to follow him. “Training company K.” said Dinwiddie over his shoulder as he started off toward a clump of buildings.
“Wait!” Screeched Major Smith, half in anger and half in fear.
Dinwiddie stopped and turned. “Yes Major?”
Major Smith moved in close again. “Ah…what about those pictures?”
Dinwiddie smacked himself in the forehead with the palm of his hand as if he had forgotten about them. “Oh, yes those. When I have the orders you get the pictures. Not before.” Dinwiddie waggled a finger under the Major’s nose then started toward the buildings once more; the AFP’s carrying Jack’s limp form grudgingly behind him.
***
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| Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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An enjoyable read Klaf! You capture the essence of the theme and environment well and I followed the attempted escape scene with peaked interest.
But you may wish to edit again, focusing on comma usage(!), ommitted words, and missing apostrophies. There were some areas where the misuse/ommission of commas forced me to reread the sentence two or three times to make sure I was reading it right: | Quote: | | These obstacles dealt with Jack once again focused his attention toward his goal. |
could nearly have been read: These obstacles dealt with Jack once again, focused his attention toward his goal. But should have been: These obstacles dealt with, Jack once again focused his attention toward his goal. Often, where commas are positioned can change the whole meaning of a sentence... not that this is a perfect example of that but it makes the point.
That said, I suppose if I had a screamin' babe in the house I might have a hard time finding a moment to breathe, let alone do any editing  . The main point of any read is that it is enjoyed, and you've acheived that for me with flying colors. The Master Sergeant really pulled out all the stops for this soldier... I mean, played the most devious card in his hand here... makes me wonder if he knows more about the guy than what's been said. Sure, the thinking behind wanting him in his training battallion is clearly rational, but THAT bad? hmm... seems a bit suspicious.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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ChoKiba
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| Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| I love this story. That was great. And I don't know Thunderbird, it made sense in a way to me. Maybe because I know certain situations a little similar, but of course not quite. I can't wait for the next part though!
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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Pretty nice Klaf!
Though i have to ask, do we get a DP this time?
EDIT: Woops, just saw the Part 1 thing. erm... Carry on!
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