City of IF

[The Powers That Be]

Thanks for the feedback and votes, everyone.

I thought I'd have Chapter 2 ready by now, but it's growing exponentially: over 2300 words and still a ways to go until the end. I'm going to go ahead and post what I have so far, to see if anyone's going to bother slogging through all of it. :D So enjoy, and I hope to have the rest of Chapter 2 up in a few days.

With the lights nearly upon us (well, except for being 20 feet over our heads), I turned to Chuck. “Chuck, I think we should get ou – what the hell are you doing?”

With his head craned far back, Chuck swayed in slight circles with his mouth gaping open and his hands waving wildly over his head. He said, “Frank, I figure, we’re really wasted, right? And we’ve been walking for half an hour, and made it what? About 20 feet. Now, maybe those lights are something weird from outer space come to take us away. Or maybe there’s a car around here somewhere and I just ain’t seeing straight. Either way, I’d rather ride than walk right now. Hey, down here!”

He had a point. What the hell, I thought, and raised my arms to flag down the whatever-it-was.

When the lights were directly overhead, they stopped. Chuck’s head was so far back that he finally lost his balance, slowly tipped backward, and fell to the ground with a thud. Completely unfazed, he just lay there, still waving his arms, still yelling. “Down here! C’mon man, give us a lift!”

After a moment, I saw something descend from the lights. As it got closer, I realized what it was: a big claw on a cable, like in those arcade games where you have to grab the stuffed toy. The claw clunked down to the ground and closed on nothing. Then it was pulled up a few feet, moved over toward Chuck, dropped down again and scooped him up. “Whoo-hoo!” he yelled. “Got me a ride! Thanks buddy!” The claw started to pull him up. Slowly, he rose out of sight.

Then the claw came down again, with Chuck still held tight. It opened, apparently to drop him, but he was hanging on for dear life. “Hey, come on, no fair! Just give me a ride!” The claw shook, first lightly, then hard, and Chuck lost his grip and fell to the grass, just off the road. “Aw, this sucks,” he pouted, and then he started snoring.

The claw lifted again and came in my direction. I decided that maybe waving my hands hadn’t been such a good idea after all, and I started to run. I made it about three steps before I tripped and fell. It wasn’t long before the claw got me. It pulled me into the air, higher and higher. I could see Chuck below me, sleeping peacefully. And then I blacked out.

***

Two things greeted me when I woke up. The first was a splitting headache. The second was a pair of voices, whispering to each other.

“Shh, he’s waking up.”

“Ok, you ready?”

I tried to open my eyes, but the light was unbearable, making my head swim and my stomach lurch. I squeezed them shut tight, but not before I got a glimpse of my abductors. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why my head swam and my stomach lurched.

One of the things came toward me (well, its voice did anyway). The next words will be burned in my memory for as long as I live, and maybe longer. “Prepare the anal probe,” it intoned.

“Yes, yes, the anal probe,” said the other one. “Which one?”

“The extra large rotary model,” the first voice responded. At that, my eyes snapped open of their own accord, and I tried to scream, to get up, to run away. But I ended up just staring slack-jawed at my attackers.

Imagine a hundred-pound Twinkie (that was the bigger one, maybe an 80-pound Twinkie for the other). Now slap the radiator from a ’79 Trans Am on top of it, hard, so the Twinkie gets squished a little and the goo starts oozing out from the ends. And give it lots of long wiggly arms, like earthworms all covered in Velcro. That’s the best I can describe them. No eyes, no nose, no mouth that I could see. But they could talk, and these two just kept saying, “Anal probe, yes, yes, the anal probe” as they approached me. I tried to back away, but I was strapped down to the floor of the room.

Suddenly, just as the bigger one nearly reached me, I heard this horrible loud growling spitting sound from somewhere outside: “GRREOOOWIDNNFNNFIFRU,” or something like that. The creatures jumped back, gave little “Eek!”s of surprise, and scooted over to the corner of the room. Just then, another creature, twice as big as these two (meaning, you know, a 200-pound Twinkie), came into view in the doorway. As it entered the room, its voice suddenly switched to English, a woman’s voice. “RROGFRRERknow you’re in there, girls, so come OH DEAR LORD what have you been doing?! How many times did we tell you not to play with the human? Apologize to our guest at once!”

“Yes, mommy,” said the smaller creatures as they scooted back into view. “We’re sorry we teased you, Mr. Human. We didn’t really have the anal probe.”

“Anal pro - oh girls, I don’t believe you, you are in such big trouble. But right now, untie the poor man and go put on your assimilation suits. And tell your father that our guest is awake.”

When the girl-creatures had untied me and skedaddled from the room, the mother said, “I’m so sorry about this. The last thing we wanted to do was scare you. Excuse me a moment while I make myself more presentable.”

There was a small click then, and suddenly a big balloon appeared from nowhere and completely engulfed the creature. The balloon deflated until it was tight around her form, and then it started to bulge and pinch and thrash about like a Hefty bag with a cat inside. The thrashings slowed as the balloon took on a completely different shape, and then pop! two legs suddenly shot out of the thing, pop! two arms followed behind, and pop! a head formed out of the top. The shape kept changing for a bit longer, and finally poppity pop pop! fingers, toes, eyes, ears, all the little details popped out, and a perfectly recognizable human women (wearing a comfortable yet fashionable ensemble, no less) was standing before me. Her skin color and facial features seemed a blend of all human races, so she wouldn’t really stand out anywhere. Well, except for the fact that she stood barely 5 feet tall and weighed at least 300 pounds. She looked up at me and spoke in the same voice she’d had back when she was the big Twinkie-Trans Am-Velcro thing.

“There, that’s much better. We didn’t mean to scare you with our true forms, so sorry. My, but you’re much taller than you seemed before – wait a minute…” She looked down at herself and yelled out, “GIRLS! Get in here this minute!”

A moment later, two human girls, ages 8 and 12 perhaps, of the same indeterminate race as their mother but with perfectly average body proportions, ran through the door. They looked at their mother with shock that quickly dissolved into giggles. “That’s a good look for you, Mom,” said the older one.

The mother stamped her foot, causing her entire body to ripple like an earthquake had hit it. “Which of you fiddled with my simsuit? Come on, out with it!”

Through their laughter, the girls denied any wrongdoing. The younger one said, “I did see Daddy fiddling with one of the suits earlier.”

“And where is your-” the mother started, but at that moment, a man stepped into the room. He was wearing a tailored Armani suit and he was, except for one detail, perfectly ordinary-looking, someone who would fit in on any continent. The one odd detail was that his head was about three times too big for his body. And growing.

“Hi girls,” he said. “What’s all the ruckus?”

“Daddy,” squealed the little one, pointing at his rapidly ballooning head, “you’ve put your simsuit on wrong again!”

The mother gave an exasperated groan. “All right girls, pop your father’s head. And when you’ve done that, I’m gonna pop him one.”

The girls ran out of the room. I was just standing there in shock, staring at this man’s extraordinary head as his eyes got literally as big as saucers. At some point, I noticed that he was starting to float up off the floor. The girls came back, each carrying an enormous needle. “Carefully, now!” said their mother. The girls jumped up, trying to reach him, but he was really floating now, his head gently bouncing off the ceiling. Finally, the older girl grabbed his legs and pulled him down, and the other jammed her needle hard into his left eye, a move that made me jump up and yelp in sympathetic pain. The very next moment, we all threw ourselves down to the ground as the man shot through the air at great speed, bouncing off the walls and emitting a loud hissing sound as his head deflated.

Eventually, the hissing stopped and I heard the thud of a body hitting the floor. I looked up to see the man, now with a normal-sized head, stand up and brush himself off. “Thanks girls.” He looked at his wife and a big smile broke across his face. “Wow, honey, you look-”

“Why did you do this to my suit?!” she shot back.

He was taken aback by her anger. “Well, I just thought that we could, you know - ” and then, giving a quick look at his daughters, trailed off with, “I, uh, I’ll tell you later.”

The mother threw up her hands. “Girls, come help me fix this thing. And you,” she gave her husband a murderous look, “explain to our guest where he is and who we are. I’m sure he’s about to have a nervous breakdown.”

She wasn’t far off. My head was swimming, and it wasn’t from the hangover. Who – and what – were these insane creatures? And where the hell was I? For the first time, I noticed my surroundings. In general, I was reminded of the living room of a corporate housing apartment: beige carpeting, beige walls, beige shades over the windows. As far as the furnishings, though, it looked like an Ikea store had exploded in there. There were half-assembled tables, chairs, futon frames, and even a big entertainment center sitting approximately where you’d expect them to be. The rest of the pieces were scattered around randomly, with no way to tell which board or dowel or little plastic doohickey went with which piece of furniture. Many of the pieces were badly dented and chipped, as if they’d been hit repeatedly with a sledgehammer. Pictorial instruction sheets were strewn around the floor.

“Well,” said the man, and I turned my attention back to him. “I’m sure you have many questions. But first let me introduce myself and my family. We’ve been using the name McMahmoudski. Trying to blend in anywhere, you know. I’m thinking we might need to reconsider that one, though…”

“What…are you?” I managed, remembering I had a voice.

“Ah, yes, more on that in a minute. Anyway, my name’s Rudy, my lovely wife is Trudy, the older girl is Judy, and the little one-”

As he spoke, the little one came racing into the room and shrieked, “I’m Bootie!” With that, she began to dance around the room, singing “Bootie bootie bootie, bootie bootie bootie” while shaking hers about, until Rudy scooped her up in his arms.

“Esmeralda,” he mock-scolded, “you are a silly little girl. Now go help your mother, and then you and your sister need to get to bed.”

Esmeralda gave me a wink and a smile, said “Good night, Mr. Human Person!” and danced back out of the room.

Rudy turned back to me. “Now, Mr. Brill. You’ve probably guessed by now that we’re not exactly human. Actually, we are from a grand confederation of planets all over the Milky Way Galaxy. It’s called the, well, the Grand Confederation of Planets. And you are a guest aboard our spaceship.”

“Spaceship?” I asked, pinching myself harder and harder, but to no avail.

“Why yes, check it out,” Rudy said, stepping to the window. He pulled up the shade, and sure enough, black space was outside, and I could see the Earth the way it always looks in the astronaut pictures. “Take a good look at your planet, Mr. Brill, because things are about to change for your people!”

Fear welled up in me, and I blurted out, “Oh God, you’re here to exterminate the human race, aren’t you?”

Rudy gaped at me, clearly shocked. “Exterminate? What do you take us for, monsters? We would never even consider such a thing!”

Trudy walked in at that moment. In just a few minutes, she had gained 8 inches and lost 170 pounds. She had long red hair, green eyes - basically, she was gorgeous. “Why is everyone in this family trying to scare poor Mr. Brill?” she asked. Turning to me, she added, “Mr. Brill, genocide is a serious intergalactic crime. And it’s hard to keep that kind of thing a secret for long.”

“Oh,” I said, not yet completely comfortable. “Then, are you planning to enslave us all and make us do your evil bidding?” Immediately, I cursed myself for possibly giving them ideas.

But Rudy just laughed. “No, no, no, nothing like that. I mean, slavery’s not technically illegal, but oh, the paperwork!”

“Only the big Numarean syndicates can really afford to enslave entire planets,” added Trudy. “And it’s only worth it if the slaves have, you know, actual skills. So you humans have nothing at all to worry about”. She patted my leg reassuringly.

“Ok,” I said, feeling a bit calmer. But just to be sure – “And the, uh, the anal probe?”

“Oh, those girls!” Trudy shook her head, exasperated. “No, Mr. Brill. We won’t be doing anything of the sort. There’s nothing inside the human body that we’re interested in, and believe me, we’ve looked.”

“Well then, why are you here? And why did you abduct me?”

[Key]

LOL great chapter, hilarious!

:D

[Vampireidiot]

Lol powers that be. This is well funny :lol:

[ethereal_fauna]

Funny stuff. I look forward to the rest of the chapter!

[Chainfire]

hilarious :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Reiso]

Very cool. It takes a knack to write comedy, because there is so much that comedy relies on in terms of timing, physicality, emphasis, intonation - you name it. It's damn hard to get that across with the written word. Well done.

Ford Excessive. Love it!

[The Powers That Be]

Well, this took a lot longer than I expected. Here's the rest of Chapter Two. Two things to note:

1. This is the dreaded Exposition Section. I've tried to break it up enough to keep it from dragging, but it is just a whole bunch of dialogue. Hope it's not too boring.

2. The decision point's a little unusual, since it doesn't really impact character or plot very much. However, I'm hoping it's something people can have fun with - I look forward to some creative ideas. And I promise you, Chapter Three will have an Extremely Important decision point, one that will strongly impact both plot and characterization.

“Well then, why are you here? And why did you abduct me?”

Trudy said, “Ok. Mr. Brill, we are…I guess you’d call us prospectors. Twenty-five years ago, Rudy and I quit our jobs, bought this ship, and set off in search of our fortune. There are a lot of planets out there and you just need to find the right one. What we found, Mr. Brill, was your Earth.”

“Yeah, lucky us,” said Rudy, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Rudy, don’t be like that, things have finally turned around for us,” said Trudy. Turning back to me, she went on. “This planet looked perfect. As soon as we saw it, we staked our claim.”

“Staked your claim? Like to a mine or something?”

Trudy nodded. “It’s basically like that. We discovered your planet, registered our claim with the Confederation, and were granted the rights to anything of value that we find here.”

“What do you mean, ‘granted the rights’?” I asked. “The Earth isn’t your planet, it belongs to us humans!”

“Ha! You should have thought of that when you decided not to file for membership in the Confederation,” said Rudy.

“Calm down, dear,” said Trudy. “Now I understand that this is very sudden, but I assure you it’s all proper and legal. Anything on Earth that somebody somewhere else wants, we own. Now Mr. Brill – may I call you Frank?” she added as I stood up, enraged. “I assure you, we’re not here to take anything without compensating your race appropriately. After all, we’ve been here for almost 20 years, and we haven’t taken anything from you, right?”

“Well, I don’t really know,” I said, not sure what to make of all of this. “What about all this furniture here?”

“Bought and paid for!” said Rudy. “I’ve got the receipt here, uh, somewhere or other. We got it to make our home comfortable for you. And it will be, as soon as I figure out these instructions – say, can you maybe help me with that? You’re human, you must understand how this Ikea stuff goes together. My knowledge of science and engineering is advanced thousands of years beyond your own, but this has me stumped .”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” I said, not paying any attention. I was wondering about something else. “So what kind of valuable stuff are you taking? Like all our gold and jewelry and art and stuff?”

“No, nobody wants any of that,” said Trudy. “See, that’s always the hard part, figuring out what has value. There are hundreds of species in the Confederation, all completely different from each other, and you never know what might take off. So a bath-towel to one species may be a refreshing snack to another and a life-saving medication for a third. We’ve spent 20 years taking samples of, well, everything your planet has to offer and sending it all off for market testing.”

“And?”

“And nothing!” snapped Rudy, looking up from the board he was holding. “Everything on your planet is crap. Just like this Ikea stuff.” He held up the board and an instruction sheet. “Look at this. Is it a shelf, or a side wall, or the top? I can’t tell and the instructions don’t say. Is it a puzzle of some kind, Frank, a twisted human joke? What’s the secret? You must know; please tell me. Why do they do this? Why, why?!” His voice dissolved into sobs.

Trudy let out an exasperated sigh. “Rudy, control yourself! And it’s not all crap. There was one item, once.” She sighed again. “The Furby.”

Rudy stopped banging pieces of wood together long enough to let out a long, tortured moan.

“The Furby?” I asked. “You mean those weird electronic stuffed animals that were a big fad a few years back?”

“Yes, well, you didn’t really believe humans were buying those, did you?” Trudy asked with a laugh. “But to one alien race, they were incredibly valuable. Until the Furby came along, their race had never had a really effective laxative. It was a revelation for them. They couldn’t get enough of those things, and they’d pay top dollar to get them. For a time, it looked like we’d be - well, not rich, but able to make a decent living off of your Earth.”

“So what happened?”

Rudy let out another moan before answering. “They evolved. Abandoned their corporeal forms and became beings of pure light, energy and wisdom. The bastards.

“Beings of light, energy and wisdom don’t need laxatives, do they? The whole market dried up, just like that. And then they had the gall to offer ‘compensation’ to all their vendors for lost business. They’d provide the answer to one question, any question, free of charge. What a joke.

“My friend Bronkie actually decided to take them up on it. I told him it was a waste of time, but no, he figures that with all that wisdom, they’ll be able to help him. ‘What do I need to do to be truly happy?’ he asks. And what’s their answer? ‘Follow your heart,’ they say! I mean, that’s the best they can do? Beings of light, energy and wisdom, my butt.” Rudy was really getting worked up now, flailing his arms (still holding the board) as he spoke. I started backing away from him, fearing decapitation if he let the thing go.

“But Bronkie buys into the whole thing. The second he gets his answer, he says OK, tears his heart right out of his foot with his bare claws, and tosses it on the ground in front of him. I mean, how rude is that? So his heart goes squargling off in some random direction and Bronkie follows right along after it. Most ridiculous thing I’ve ever -”

“Rudy, you’re rambling,” said Trudy. “Can we please stay on topic? We’re supposed to be explaining to Frank why he’s here.”

“You know, I saw Bronkie last time we were home,” Rudy continued, undeterred. “He’s still at it, following that heart of his wherever it goes. It was pretty funny, actually. He stopped for just a moment to say hi to me and his heart squelched onto a departing shuttle just before it left the planet. By the time he noticed, the shuttle had already taken off. I thought Bronkie was going to have a heart attack right there – which, now that I think about it, was impossible, given, well, you know. Finally he flags down a space-taxi and tells the driver, ‘Follow that heart!’ So the driver says -”

“That’s it!” yelled Trudy. “Go to bed, Rudy. Now. I’ll finish up with Frank here and we’ll talk about this later.”

Rudy heard her this time. “All right, I’m going. Frank, listen to what she tells you. You’re important to us – we really need your help.” He took one last look at the board in his hands, threw it down in disgust and stomped out of the room.

“There, that’s better. Alone at last,” said Trudy, turning back toward me. “Frank, I’m so sorry about how our first meeting has gone. We wanted to make you feel comfortable and relaxed while we explained our situation to you, but it’s all gotten so crazy. I can’t even imagine how disconcerting this has been for you – look at you, you’re so tense and wound up.”

She wasn’t wrong. By this time, I was sure this was all real, but that didn’t make me feel any better. My head was pounding and my body was starting to shiver uncontrollably like those shock patients on the medical shows on TV.

Trudy moved around behind me. “Here, let me help you,” she said. She began to massage my shoulders gently. “Yes, you are tense, Frank. Now, I’m going to tell you why we need your help and then I’m going to let you rest. Tomorrow, we’ll set you back down at your home. I promise we won’t harm you in any way – oh yes, that’s better, I can feel it. You’ve got such strong muscles, Frank, do you work out? Anyway, I also promise that we won’t ask you to do anything that you don’t want to do. Ok, are you ready for me to finish our story?”

As she kneaded my muscles more firmly, the tension really was melting away and I started to relax. “Yes, all right,” I said, genuinely curious. What in the world could these strange creatures need from me?

“We’re running out of time, Frank,” Trudy said. I could feel her warm breath on my neck as she spoke. “From the time we staked our claim, we were given 20 years to demonstrate the economic value of your planet. Now we only have a few months left, and if we don’t have a viable product soon, we’ll lose our claim and the Earth will be fair game for anyone else.

“But here’s the thing, Frank: we’ve found something. Something amazing. It’s not like the Furbys or most other exports, with just one or two interested species. Nobody’s ever seen market test results like this before. There are no fewer than 27 different alien races that want this thing – they all want it for different reasons, but they all want it. And we only tested it against 30 races. For all we know, there may be 50 others that want it too. It’s going to be the biggest blockbuster anybody’s ever seen. And we’re all going to be rich, just unbelievably wealthy. Not just me and my family, but you humans too. But we have to act fast. We need to get it out, in quantity, before our claim expires. Because if we don’t, somebody else will come along and get it for themselves. And believe me, there are a lot of prospectors out there that you do not want claiming your planet.”

As she spoke, she was moving closer and closer to me. Her body was pressing against my back now, and I was having a hard time concentrating on her words. I forced myself to ask, “What is this thing that everyone wants so bad?”

I could feel her lips brushing against my ear as she whispered the answer. “It’s your product, Frank. You make it every day in your factory.”

Ok, so here's the decision:

What is the product they make in Frank's factory? And why do aliens want it?

It needs to be something fairly mundane - Frank isn't the only one that makes them, but the aliens only want his brand. Ideally, it would be something that's fading in popularity here on Earth (which would help explain why Frank is going out of business), but it doesn't have to be. My original idea was bowling shoes, which would be in demand on at least one planet for use as luxury apartments. I'm sure that you IFys (IFians? IFites?) can come up with something better.

[ethereal_fauna]

My drowsy mind fumbled about in this relaxed state, and it took a few moments for her words to register.

"You mean that there is a universal demand for tacky car air fresheners shaped like little crowns? What the hell for?"

She sighed before replying, "It appears that the scent acts as an aphrodisiac for many of the races tested, but only when inhalation is coupled with the visual stimulus of viewing the crown. On at least one planet the gender of offspring could be pre-determined by consuming the scented gel before conception. Five of the tested species reported a sense of euphoria whenever inhaling the aroma of the cherry scented crown...the reasons all vary, but the demand is almost universal."

I was dumbstruck, and this odd information would not settle easily inside my head.

[Key]

"Aluminum siding? You want aluminum siding?"

"Not just any aluminum siding, Frank," she whispered breathlessly. "Your aluminum siding!" Her lips lingered over each syllable: "Brill's All-temp Out-side All-side. With a double five-inch profile, low-gloss texture, and point-oh-two-four inch thickness."

Suddenly she grabbed my shoulders. "Frank, do you realize that your aluminum siding is the only known substance impervious to a Rogovian disruptor beam? The Groggnurs are ready to order enough to plate their entire fleet! And the Rogovians will pay us for every ton that we don't ship to the Groggnurs!"

Her nails dug into me as she pulled herself close again. "And that's just the beginning! For the Serisk'etian, it's this eon's premiere fashion statement! The Vitelli have never tasted anything like it! And the Vurrammukkers - well, I don't want to get into a discussion of Vurrammukker mating physiology, but let's just say they're very motivated."

"Your siding, Frank," she purred, "is going to make us rich."

[The Powers That Be]

Hee! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I knew I could count on you. Keep 'em coming!

***

Actually, now that I think about it some more, here are my favorite ideas from Key's and Fauna's responses:

1. The Groggnurs plate their entire fleet with millions of little crown-shaped air fresheners, frustrating the Rogovians in their attempts at conquest.

2. The enticing scent of aluminum siding is an aphrodisiac for a surprisingly large number of alien races.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

[The Powers That Be]

I need more ideas, people! Not just products, but what they'd be used for? I'll put a poll up in a few days, but I'm hoping to see some more suggestions turn up before then.

[Reiso]

Button Factory - with all the advancements made by superior races throughout history, the button is one they missed. Pesky switches have to be one way or the other, you have to practically baby sit dials to know where they're at and levers with all their effort? Forget it! Buttons will revolutionize everything...

Pez Dispenser - Sure, a few races also like the taste, but consider the diminutive people of Meton-X9. For them, these are as good as a disguise. The Valkinos, who ingest all food by stacking it above their feet and excrete waste through their neck, find them to be quite the novelty. The Chaulkners prefer to be less candid with their preferred use of them, but it is widely suspected to be of a somewhat... er, deviant nature, and the Collecticons of Festworld 7- well, they absolutely have to have them. All of them.

Rubber Cement - I can't really think of anything for this one, it needs development. Something just strikes me as odd and appropriate that there would be a large demand in the universe for Rubber Cement.

Phosphorous Bronze Guitar Strings - For the tiny Blekt'pinn of the Desert Moon of G'kzz 0.2, nothing is better for the Annual Tightrope Festival! For the Herculean Bronze Robot Men of the Gigantiverse, they make excellent stitching for sewing the more serious wounds they would receive, since they are less likely to be rejected by their bodies. Also, the standard medium gauge set just happens to perfectly fit and tune with 91 different instruments between 23 of the 27 races.

Paperclips - Think of it! What if these small, portable and highly obtainable things were in truth, the key to the universe? Not only do they have a multitude of uses when bent into the proper shapes - so much so, that any attempt to list them here would be an exercise in futility - but when bent into one specific shape, and used correctly, in the right place and time... the secrets of the universe, and/or ultimate power could be yours. And every race in the universe knows it.

Genetic - umm, actually Frank, when we said your 'product', we weren't talking about factories at all...

And last but not least...

Duct Tape - come on, what problem can't it solve?

Not my best, but something to get more thoughts going, hopefully.

[Merilly Dayzed]

“Tiny mirrors that make disco balls,” Frank exclaims, disbelieving. “What’s so special about my mirrors?”

“It’s the craftsmanship,” Trudy whispers, enticingly. Frank nearly melts in a puddle over the badly and barely constructed IKEA furniture.

“Twinkies, twinkies, twinkies,” he mutters to himself. Trudy doesn’t take the hint and keeps rubbing, but Frank pulls himself together. “Craftsmanship,” Frank says, “I didn’t even think anyone noticed that kind of thing anymore!”

“Yes!” Trudy erupts exuberantly, “every mirror is exactly 25x25mm, with nicely polished edges. Such precision,” Trudy breathes, “such attention to detail,” she breathes a little harder. “Restocm in the Ewes sector, want to plate their entire sun with it and boogie into the next squidscad. Assassins on planet Corstee in the Mwes sector with a tiny, basilisk-like race uses them as weapons. Another tiny and very vain race called Thumbelinakins also in the Mwes sector like to frame them and decorate their homes. Those are only three examples!”

~*~

I also thought of sporks, fake eyelashes, those hats with the Air Conditioners in ‘em, and novelty versions of Austin Power’s Teeth. I have no idea what planets would use those for, but I’m sure they could think of something.

I liked Furbees as laxatives and why the race didn’t need ‘em anymore. Hilarious. I laughed out loud several times. I can't wait to read the next part. :D

[The Powers That Be]

All right, it's time to put up the poll. I'll just put products, and I'll incorporate the uses you've proposed as the story develops. Choosing one from each of you, the list will be:

1. Automobile air fresheners

2. Aluminum siding

3. Rubber cement

4. Mirrorball mirrors

Happy voting!

[TayFinch]

Oh my goodness, this is such a great story! The thing I disliked most about it, is that I havent found it before now!

Moving on, I'm all for the Aluminum Siding idea. When I was reading the story, I was thinking of something like duct tape- but when Key wrote about aluminum siding, and developed the idea, I had to laugh! I think its great, because it might make the story more interesting! (Not that the story needs it, its already great)

Hoping to see you win that big storygame of the month!
~Tayfinch!

[frazz]

hey powers why is your story in the story game of the month section on the comedy section

[frazz]

srry about that, got confused, congradulation powers! for winning that sgotm on the humor

[ethereal_fauna]

Congrats Powers. I like the new place.

[Muaddib]

Brilliant ! (And i rarely compliment people ;) ) May I add one more suggestion...."Recycled Abdomen Guards" for sports .

[Idea master]

Firstly, congrats to you powers for winning SGOTM.
And secondly, hilarious story. I now see why you won so easily.
And I'm all for the air fresheners.
Well, what happens next? Does Frank decide to sell his air fresheners to the aliens? Or does the time limit run out the evening they return Frank to his house?

[The Powers That Be]

Wow, new readers! Thanks everyone for the kind words. The poll is closed - Rubber Cement is the winner, and I'll write Chapter Three accordingly.

I won't lock this topic until the next chapter is up.

[Araex]

Hell yeh! This is great! I see why you won SGOTM after only 2 chapters! 'skedaddle' and Bronkie's story and the head popping and so much more make this story absolutely hilarious!

[Reiso]

Just chiming in with my congratulations - you earned it, Powers!

[Smee]

Hey Powers,

Apologies for being so late in finding, reading, commenting and congratulating this story. :tu2: :rofl:

The story is fantastic, hilarious and a superb alien abduction alternative.

As for the latest decision making - some stunning ideas from your more alert readers. Now I must come up with a decision for the poll - surely a much easier task, although still tricky.

Happy Writing. :-)

[The Powers That Be]

The first segment of Chapter 3 is up, so I'm locking this topic.