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Chapter 3 - The Magical Chamber Pot.
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Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 5:34 pm    Post subject: Chapter 3 - The Magical Chamber Pot.  

Chapter 3.

Cast (in no particular order):

Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Smee as ‘the victim’
Jnmrcs as the High Commander
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Hyperion as the Mage.
Dean as the Ranger leader.
Key as the Magical dignified Chamber Pot.
Araex as Homer’s steed.

The Villain

“Nnooooooo! The pain! Aaaaarg! Stoooopp iiiitttt…” Smee’s cries of agony bellowed out into the hallway and around the castle. Phang’s followers clapped their hands in glee to hear her mistress at work. Those held there against there will sobbed quietly in wretched despair.

Slowly Smee’s shape stretched. His remaining clothes stretched and finally ripped off entirely. His little winkie slowly twisted and also fell off, to his renewed howls. Phang scooped up the wrinkled organ and threw it to Mr Moochie and Luvd, who immediately fell upon it with raucous squawks.

Phang watched as Smee’s shape slowly expanded, gaining bulk. His color started to change to a lurid green. His detached eyes lifted themselves up and thickened into stalks. The stumps of his bloodied limbs shrank and his head receded into his neck.

With a crash the work table collapsed and after agonizing (for Smee) minutes the transformation was finally complete. Phang stood and admired her handiwork. She stroked her chin thoughtfully. “Well, it may be a little slow, but it will do.” She called for a lackey so she could start arranging her journey to the front.

Luvd and Mr Moochie hopped up and down on their perch…

The Hero.

“Of course” the new recruit replied. “I am known as Dean. Dean of the Hood.” He bowed and strode forth into the room. He wore well made but practical clothes of Forest Green and Earth Brown. On his head was a green hat with a feather in, perched at a jaunty angle. A strong square face was framed underneath it, with a small and immaculately curled goatee and thin waxed moustache showing some vanity. A quiver and a long-bow hung on his back “My squad and I are the best of the best of the best*. You will be safe under our guidance.”

Jnmrc sat back and waved a hand. Together you shall ride forth at once and intercept the Evil Dark Mistress. The fate of the entire Silver Lands depends upon your success!”

Evil Homer stood straight and proud. “It shall be done, I vow! Nothing shall stand between this band of adventurers…”

“Merry.” Interrupted Dean.


“Merry band. Merry band of adventurers”

“I fail to see the mirth of the situation that would warrant the ‘merry’ moniker” said Homer. He caught sight of Dean’s disappointed look and sighed. “Very well then…Where was I? Nothing shall stand between this merry band of adventurers and the defeat of the Dark Mistress, save Death itself!’

“Huzzah.” Said Jnmrc dryly. “I suggest you leave at once.”

Evil Homer, the Duke and Dean Hood all bowed, Dean with a flourish of his hat, and backed away. Jnmrcs watched them go with a strange look in his eyes.

The group was saddling horses in the courtyard when there was a flash of light and a puff of pink smoke. Once it had cleared, and the merry band had stopped coughing, they saw a wizard standing in the previously empty, and smoke free, space. He had to be a wizard; he was wearing a long gown of deep blue with yellow stars. His hat was made to match and was long and pointy. On his shoulder there was a small white animal.
He was also very, very fat. Evil Homer thought he had to be the fattest man he had ever seen. Still it would not be seemly for him to comment. He strode forth with hand outstretched.

“Welcome wizard. I must assume you are Hyperion, grand Mage here to help us on our quest.” He bowed slightly, “I am Evil Homer. Paladin and scourge of the Dark forces. Welcome!”

The fat wizard waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever sword-boy. Just get me some transport and we can get started on this suicide jaunt. I need a small wagon to travel on, I don’t agree with horses.”

“Ohh! A little rabbit!” said the Duke seeing the creature on his shoulder. “Hello little rabbit do you want a cake?” The duke fished a small bun out of his pocket and held it out.

“It’s not a rabbit, it’s a weasel, I think” said Dean, “and you shouldn’t feed a wizard’s familiar cake.”

“Little rabbit!” said the Duke, ignoring Dean and staring with a fixed smile at the wizard.

Hyperion sighed to himself. “This is what we have to work with eh Shade?” he murmured to the white furred familiar on his shoulder. “Well, we will be dead faster than I thought.” He waddled up to the small cart that some of the merry band were wheeling in and hauled his fat ass into it. The donkey that was attached to it brayed in distress.

Within an hour of accepting the mission the band, sorry, merry band of intrepid heroes filed out of the rear doors of the fort. It had been decided they would loop around to avoid the besieging Armies of Darkness.

Homer was in the lead on his large white war horse ‘Araex’ with Dean of the Hood jogging alongside, for he distained riding. Duke Reg’s large form plodded behind on a docile shire horse, the only horse big enough to sustain his weight for a sustained period, followed by Hyperion in his wagon and the rest of the Merry band, totaling about 12 rangers in all.

Jnmrcs watched them go from his room high in the fortress and shook his head.

The Villain.

“Get over there you useless lump of crap!” Phang gave Muaddib a kick up his rear, catapulting the creature head over heels howling with distress. Phang quickly caught him up and bent down to loop a collar around his neck, pulling it tight and making Muaddib choke. Tying a piece of rope to the collar she attached the other end to her saddle, which had been specially made for Smee in his new form.

“Right!” the Dark Mistress said. “Now you dog fornicating, shit producing wheel thing. I have a present for you.” She whistled and along the ground came a strange thing.

It was sparkling gold Chamber Pot, gleaming even in the low sunlight around Phangs Dark Fortress. It had two large handles, which looked strangely like ears somehow, and four wire-thin legs with which it traversed the ground nimbly.

“This” Phang pointed at the pot, “is one of the wonders of the magical world. Made by the greatest mage that ever lived it is called: ‘Key the magical and dignified chamber pot of kings’ and has been shit in by royalty for generations.” She addressed the pot directly. “Key, you are to ensure that this wheeled thing does not do its mess on the floor. You may use any force needed to ensure this is the case. Do you understand?”

Key shook once to show it had understood.

“Good.” Now that was dealt with Phang turned around and mounted Smee**. “Company – onward. We go to war!” The squad of soldiers and followers behind her (that were not undead or otherwise shackled) cheered and the started forward.”

The Hero

“There, see?” Dean motioned his head.

Evil Homer looked out the way Dean had indicated. They were lying in undergrowth on a hill that overlooked a valley. A position that Homer considered undignified, but the practicality of scouting out Phang’s force overrode such considerations in this instance.

“What is that green creature she is riding?” asked Homer, squinting to get a better look.

Dean of the Hood also squinted to make it out. “It, it looks like a giant slug! See, it is leaving a trail of slime behind it!”

Homer shuddered. “What evil could cause such a creature to come into existence? It must be purged!”

They observed the column a short while longer and then returned to the waiting group.

“The plan remains as it was before.” Said Homer. “We ambush them where the road passes through the two hills. The Duke and the rangers will concentrate on her forces, Hyperion and I will take on the Dark Queen. Is everyone prepared?”

The various members of the band nodded. Hyperion merely scowled and muttered something to his familiar.

They moved into position. It was a good one; the enemy would be traveling into the sun. Phang herself headed the column, followed by a band of Dark Soldiers. The rangers would attack from both sides, Homer would rush Phang and distract her whilst Hyperion cast his magic at her.

“What spell will you use wizard?” he had asked Hyperion earlier.

The fat man spat in the dirt. “The strongest I have.” He turned to look at Homer, who was riding alongside his wagon. “You don’t seem to understand Paladin. Phang is the most powerful Sorceress we can remember existing. I will only have one chance to kill her. Once I have cast my spell, if she is still alive, we are all doomed. The best chance we have is to run should I fail.”

Homer had dismissed the wizards talk, but looking at Phang as she grew closer he had his doubts. The creature she was riding was surely a giant green slug, but the haunted face seemed all too human. Surely it could not have once been a living man? The thing tied to a rope behind her must have been, and he bit his lip in horror. A mans body, limbless with wheels rolled along, singing some mindless children’s song. Behind it, sometimes giving the wheeled man a kick with spindly legs was… it couldn’t be? Could it? A chamber pot?

Homer shook his head and gave a quick prayer to his deity. He has surely been put on this earth to thwart such as this.

The air was still. A cricket chirped forlornly, and then stopped feeling foolish when no one joined in. Slowly the giant slug that was Smee slimed forward. It was surprisingly fast for a creature that had a reputation for slow movement.

A pause. The moment was at hand. Homer stood and drew his fabled sword. “ATTACK!!” he screamed and rushed straight towards Phang and her perverted mount. He briefly heard Hyperion start his magics behind him.

Chaos erupted. The rangers fell upon the soldier of Darkness with howls. Duke Reg waded in swinging a monstrous club, sweeping undead warriors aside as he went.

Homer closed with his arch enemy. Just as he was about to swing something tripped him. He had a quick glance only of a wheeled body as he fell. It saved his life. A powerful magic blast from Phang ripped over his head and exploded behind him, sending him flying through the air. His last moment of consciousness was that he should at least have given Hyperion enough time to cast the spell…

The Villain.

There was chaos around her. Her troops were being butchered by enemy soldiers, her spell had dealt with that disgusting Paladin but she needed to turn the tide. Well, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Then she caught wind of The Spell. It was as powerful a magic as she had ever felt. She whipped her head around and saw the wizard casting it. There was no time to cast counter magics, and her wards would not withstand such a sudden onslaught.

The spell was cast! The wizard made a thrusting motion and a great force erupted towards her. She looked around in an effort to find an escape. Key! With a desperate last measure she scooped the chamber pot up and threw it straight at the approaching magic. The pot and spell intersected with a huge explosion, draining her power at a stroke. But the spell was diverted, reflected back at the caster. She caught a glimpse of the wizard raising his arm in a futile gesture as it caught him full on, throwing him back into the bushes.

With the last of her energy she kicked Smee in the soft side. “Ride beast or it will be the hells for all eternity for you!” Smee leapt forward, dragging Muaddib behind him.

The Hero.

Homer awoke to pain. He was hanging upside down in a bush. Every muscle ached. He groaned and staggered to his feet. What had happened?

He stumbled forward. The scene of the battle was littered with dead. Rangers and Dark forces lay side by side, united in the final instance.

He saw the prone body of the Duke and stumbled over. Duke Reg had taken injury, but he would live. He looked around again, he could not see any trace of Phang. Could Hyperions’ spell have destroyed her?

There, was that the wizard? Staggering over he found a huge prone body dressed in the wizards robe. But something had happened!! By some magic the fat man and his familiar had merged! He was now looking at a white furred, man shaped Stoat! How could this be? Surely Phang had escaped and they had failed. The Silver Lands would be in peril!

He sat on a rock with his hands in his head. What should he do now?

*With apologies to Men in Black.
**Not that way you dirty minded lot.
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