City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 6. The Fight for Cra-yon pass.


Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Smee as ‘the victim’
Jnmrcs as the High Commander
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Hyperion as the Mage.
Dean as the Dean of the Hood
Key as the Magical dignified Chamber Pot.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’

And introducing…
Mother goose as a hydroose
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander.


Jnmrcs.

There was a huge crash and the ground shook. Jnmrcs automatically checked the map, which showed a squad of gnomes had just been squashed flat by a section of the wall that had collapsed. The bombardment of the Horde catapults was still taking its toll of the main wall. He ran his fingers through his hair and ordered up some reserves to cover the breach. “We need to take out that damn catapult!” he said to his himself more than anything. “But how?” He turned to an aide. “Send me D-Lotus, he is supervising the west section.”

The aide nodded and ran off as Jnmrcs looked at the map once again. “They were holding for now, but it was a close thing. The mages finally seemed to be managing to hold off Phang’s magics. Of course, it was after she had already done the damage. The assault had started with every Gnomish cannon suddenly blowing up at the same time. Then another mass explosion that breached a section of the wall. Jnmrcs was still not certain what had caused that, but Phang was a good candidate. After that she seemed to leave the rest to her army, which was a relief, though not much as the army was obviously up to the job.

D-Lotus skipped in. Jnmrcs looked up as he threw a effeminate salute, then stood at ease, one hand resting on his hip.

“Reporting for duty handsome” he said in a light voice. “What’s your pleasure today big boy?”

Jnmrcs sighed. Even with the walls literally falling down around them D-Lotus was his usual self. He looked over to his Elven crack forces commander who was standing examining his nails. He wore a pink top with gold sequins, a pair of very tight striped black and pink shorts, and a pair of heavy black boots. Silver and gold earrings hung from his long ears. His hair was meticulously styled and held in place with grooming magics. A small pink lotus was stuck behind one ear and to complete the ensemble face glitter sparkled on his cheeks. The only thing that didn’t quite match was his Saber, hung at his side as usual.

“Report” said Jnmrcs simply.

“Well… those nasty brutes attacked us with some simply awful undead types, but we kicked them back and since then we have just been sitting around and hugging. They seem to be concentrating on the center.” He pouted and took out a small mirror to check his hair.

“I need you to take out that catapult. It is off in the foot-hills to the side somewhere and causing us major problems.”

“Okay sweety. Is that all?”

Jnmrcs nodded and watched as D-Lotus blew him a quick kiss and sauntered away, hips wiggling. He brushed up needlessly against the commander’s guard on the way out.

Jnmrcs returned his attention to the map as another crash marked yet more casualties. Dust fell to the floor and the sound of fighting and screams drifted up from outside…

Sorrow.

Sorrow looked over at the fighting, gauging distances and angles in his head. “Over to the left a little more” he said to Idea Master. “Yes, just there.” Idea Master dumped the load his was carrying and then went back for another armful.

Sorrow sat on a small log and waited. He leaned back and watched Mother Goose hiss at Key, as the dented chamber pot sat forlornly on the ground.

“Now now, Goose don’t be like that, poor Key has not been feeling well lately.” Mother Goose merely hissed again and pecked at Key. Sorrow smiled sadly and shouted at Idea Master to hurry up. There wasn’t much time…

The Hero.

The noise of battle was all around them. Evil Homer swung Chainfire right and left, smashing and scattering the undead guard that blocked his way. A three legged creature he couldn’t identify swung a large axe at him. He ducked and swung back, but the force of the battle swept them apart. Beside him Duke Reg swung his enormous club squashing a goblin flat.

Hyperion had used his magic to spell them as close to Phang’s position has he dared. From that point they had hacked their way through taking full advantage of their surprise.

Behind him the remains of the Merry men formed a circle around Hyperion who was trying to shield their presence from Phang whilst still letting off a supporting spell here and there. Dean, one armed and one legged was doing a magnificent job considering he was missing half his limbs, swinging a saber and shouting encouragement to his men at the same time.

Evil Homer stabbed an Orc who had his back to him and then they were through to Phangs inner circle. There she was! She was astride her slug creature concentrating on the battle at the wall. He saw her cast a fireball at the fort, which was intercepted by the defense mages before it could do any damage. He moved forward ready for the kill, but before he could reach her something leapt out at him and bit him in the ankle, tripping him up.

Homer kicked out at the wheelie thing that had caught him by its teeth. It growled and foamed at the mouth, madness in its eyes as it hung on to his leg.

Dean rushed past, Saber held high and he heard Hyperion casting a spell behind him. The rest of the merry men were holding the forces off behind them. A large dark shape detached itself from the right and headed towards them. In front of them Phang sat on her slug heedless of the form of Dean of the Hood limping up behind her.

The dark form on the right resolved itself into the giant Lord of the Night. The demon swung his huge sword at Duke Reg, who managed to hold him off, but it was clear that he was on the defensive. Homer struggled to stand and aid the Duke.

The Dean reached Phang. “DIE evil creature!” He shouted in triumph, and sank his blade into her back.


The combat around them stilled as the forces of Darkness saw their Evil Queen struck through…

The Villain.

Phang was frustrated. She was still not back to full strength yet, and the Silver Land mages were concentrating on blocking her magics. She was not able to get anything through.

She cast another fireball off, it was nullified before it could do any damage. She cursed.

There was a sudden shout behind her and at the same time the cold chill of metal entered her body. She looked down to see the tip of a saber protruding from the front of her chest.

Silence fell around them, as all eyes looked towards Phang. She slipped off Smee-slug sideways and landed on the ground facing the assailant. A one armed, one legged soldier! How had they penetrated her defenses?

She looked down at the blade, and then back up at the man. She smiled.

“My dear boy.” She reached behind her, her arm bending and stretching at an un-natural angle. “Is that the best you can do?” She pulled at the saber from behind and saw it disappear from her chest. “Here. Let me show you how it is done.”

With that she swung the saber round and sheared off the man’s remaining leg with one clean cut. He fell to the floor. “Try and kill me will you?” she screamed. Phang looked up. There were more of them! Without paying much attention to who it was she made a furious gesture at her attackers. They were instantly taken and thrown high into the sky by an invisible force, to fall back to earth far away in the foothills.

She moved her attention back to the now one limbed man. “Now then. You must suffer for your cheek. However, I already have one wheelie toy, I can’t have another now can I?” She thought for a moment. “Ah yes. I know what.” She advanced upon the terrified Dean of the Hood and raised his saber…

Sorrow.

Sorrow looked up. “Have you finished IM? They are nearly here…”

The Hero.

Homer fell through the air. He was helpless to do anything else. Phang had swept him away like a bug, even after Dean had pierced her through with his sword. He held onto Chainfire and wiggled his arms and legs in some twisted parody of a bird. The thought made him twist his neck to see if he could spot Hyperion, maybe the fat wizard could fly with all those feathers? He couldn’t make out.

Then the ground was rushing up to them. He had a brief glimpse of some sort of small hill before he hit, and everything went black…

The Villain.

Phang strode out through the dark throng. The great walls of Fort Cra-yon stood still, but vast holes had been torn in its once proud form. Bodies of both dark and light forces were strewn around. The stench of death was everywhere.

Phang took a deep breath and spoke to Muaddib who she led behind her on a leash. “Smell that air Wheelie toy. Bracing!” She beat herself on the chest. “Ahhhh! What do you think my new companion?”

She turned and looked down. Muaddib stood still looking smug, having just farted. Attached to him by a complicated affair was a small cart. Resting on the cart was Dean of the Hood, or, as he would henceforth be called: Dean the Head, for that was all that remained of him, riding on the cart, his hat still perched jauntily on top.

Dean Head wrinkled his nose. “You are as foul as this creatures gaseous anal expulsions. You will be thoroughly defeated by the Silver Lands. Ha!” and he waved his fist, or at least tried to which, for a person with no body and limbs is not an easy task. He ended up blinking hard.

“Ah! Hahahaha! Delightful! I am going to enjoy having you along Mr. Head.” Phang turned and saw the Commander of the Silver Armies was standing on the wall. She cast a small magic so that her voice could be heard and spoke: “Good Commander, I am her Evil Lowliness the Dark Queen Phang. My armies are minions of hell who do not tire and perform my every command. They will continue to fight until you are crushed unless you accede to my demands.”

Jnmrcs responded. “We will fight you until there is no one left to fight. You will never pass hellspawn!” And he did shake his fist, still having both of them.

“Very well commander. You have destroyed your family and your lands. The next time we speak you shall lie dying at my feet. If you are very, very lucky I will let you perish.”

She turned and marched back to her command post. Once there she mounted Smee-slug and made a signal. The throng stirred and marched forth once more…

The Hero.

Evil Homer woke up, which was something he wasn’t expecting to do, so it was a nice surprise.

“You really shouldn’t have tried killing Phang you know.” Came a familiar voice. “She can not be killed easily.”

Evil Homer sat up and saw Sorrow sitting on the floor near him.

“The Armies of darkness are still attacking Fort Cra-yon, and the situation does not look good for the Silver Lands. Something needs to be done, and I know what can help. Will you listen to me?”

“My duty lies in combat, fighting the evil.” Said Homer.

Sorrow rolled his eyes. “It is up to you, maybe you can tilt the balance fighting at Cra-yon, but I recommend you follow my plan. It will have a better chance in the long run.”

Evil Homer groaned. It seemed that, once again, the forces of good were on the brink of defeat. He still had achieved nothing and Phang and her minions were still alive. Maybe he should listen to Sorrow? But he didn’t trust this creature, he didn’t even know him. What should he do? What should he do?”