City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 11 - Gnomebody does it better.


Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Key as the Magical dignified Chamber Pot.
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander
Sunbellina as Duke Reg’s little sister.
Solomon Birch as a misguided Drow.
Shanty as Captain Shanty.

Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Mother goose as a hydroose
Shady Stoat as The Twisted witch.

Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Smee as the slug.
Dean as the Dean the Head.

The Fallen.
Jnmrcs as the High Commander
Hyperion as the Mage.

And introducing…
Ingrothechundyer as Chundyer the Gnome King.




Sorrow.

The fire crackled in the night, sending sparks flying out into the night sky. Sorrow held his hands out to the flames, even though he could feel no heat. Such was one of his many sorrows.

A movement from the other side of the camp. Idea Master limped towards the fire and dropped a load of firewood near the flames.

“That should do for tonight” said Sorrow

IM growled and farted. “Indeed. Do tonight. Tonight and how many more nights? I want it! I want it! How long must we be like this? How many more centuries?” The ragged figure moved towards Sorrow, black teeth visible in his open mouth. He lurched forward as if he was going to attack him, but Mother Goose lunged forward, mouths hissing and he stepped back, stumbling and falling to the ground suddenly.

Sorrow leaned forward and poked the fire with his hand. “Our plan is moving forwards. You know as well as I we cannot strike now. We must move with care.” He raised his gloved hand, turning it this way and that, watching the fire burning it. “Should we act in haste the consequences will be…unfortunate, for us all.”

“Bah!” Idea Master lurched to his feet. “It’s okay for you. Look at me! I need it back! She has it and I will have it back! And when I do…” He raised a fist and shook it at the sky. “She thinks she knows how to torture! Hahahahaha!” He spat on the ground and lumbered away into the night, muttering under his breath.

Sorrow shook his head and wrapped his other hand around the burning fist, extinguishing the flames. He lay back and looked at the stars. Mother Goose clucked and settled herself down to rest beside him…

Powers That Be.

Warning Muaddib, Sunbellina and others. This section contains suggestions of twisted and sick depravity! Read it at your own risk!

Powers That Be pondered the map of the Gnome lands. His hand stroked the head of one his naked young slaves, tied to the table with a short leash, as he contemplated the prospect of facing Gnome cannons. It was all very well Phang saying she would deal with them, but her mood swings made planning an orderly campaign maddening. One minute you had troops maneuvering into a flanking position, the next half of them were on fire as she burned everyone alive indiscriminately.

Something rolled into his tent making noises as it went, interrupting his thoughts.

General Powers looked up to see that damned Head Phang had been playing with lately. While he had no qualms* about Phang torturing her victims, it made him uncomfortable to see what could become of him if he ever failed the Dark Queen.

“Oh thank-goodness! A soldier! You must help me, that damned wheelie toy is rolling me around in all sorts of mud and…” Dean the Head stopped as his eyes roamed around the tent. Power’s reputation was well earned. His tent held not only his war plans but his ‘playroom’. Currently he had an innocent maid strapped up in one of his contraptions with tubes inserted into various interesting places. She didn’t seem to be enjoying herself much.

A shadow caused Dean the Head to look up, as much as he was able to anyway. Powers loomed over him. “You like my playroom? I have never played with just a Head before. Given head maybe, but…” He sighed, “I had better not play with one of Phang’s toys.” He reached down and picked the Head up in one studded leather gloved hand. Tossing it up and down for a few moments he contemplated an interesting new perversion he could try... “Mmmm.” He looked at Dean a moment; quite the most frightening moment Dean had ever had, including being beheaded alive, but decided against it and drop-kicked the dismembered skullpot out of the tent. Dean flew threw the air to land next to some horse droppings. He felt cleaner than he had done with the general.

Meanwhile, Powers turned back, thinking of the new game had stirred his juices. Ignoring the map for a moment he strode over to the corner and untied a large black male dog. Leading it over to the maid he smiled. “Let’s have a little fun shall we my dear…”

*Indeed, the General had no qualms whatsoever. About anything.

Phang.

“Who’s a good sluggy wuggy then?” Phang was petting Smee and feeding him a giant lettuce she had conjured up. “What a good little slimy thing. How handsome you are in that green colour!”

A noise from behind Smee made her look around. Muaddib was stuck in Smee slime, and he was making a wailing noise as he tried to get out.

“Foolish Wheelie thing!” laughed Phang. She watched Muaddib struggle for a moment then climbed on board her oozy mount. “Onwards Mr. Sluggles!” She flicked a finger and a small bolt of lighting crackled into Smee’s behind causing him to surge forward.

The Fort’s great gates opened and a large force marched forth in good order. Powers That Be rode at the head of the column on a large black stallion. Rumors said that he didn’t just use the horse for transport.

Phang rode along on Smee, a smile on her face as she anticipated the carnage to come. Muaddib finally struggled free of the slime and followed her.

Left behind, a baby Orc picked up a talking ball and chuckled as it complained when it sucked on Dean’s nose…

The Hall of the Gnome King.

King Ingro the Chunder looked up from his scrolls as the messenger ran breathlessly into the royal court. Ignoring traditional etiquette the Gnome bowed briefly before shoving the current plaintiff to one side.

“King Chunder! King Chunder!” He waved a piece of parchment over his head. “King Chunder! They are coming! The Dark Horde is coming! They are attacking the Gnome kingdoms! What shall we do? What shall we do?”

King Chunder heaved a deep sigh. He had been worried this would happen ever since hearing about the defeat at Cra-yon pass. He had already sent word to the human lands near him to try and organize an army, but the humans had responded with words and nothing else. Typical humans, never do anything until it is too late.

He read the paper that the messenger passed to him and then addressed the puffing Gnome. “Head to our allies, the pixies, the fairies, the leprechauns and the giants. Don’t forget the others as well. Tell them we need to gather our forces to repel an invasion by the dark. Warn the Capital city of Chundyer that the fight is likely to come to them, and to prepare the defenses. I already have some plans in place to delay the attackers, I will implement them now.”

The messenger bowed again and ran from the room. King Chunder looked up. “Court is dismissed, we prepare for war!”

Phang.

Phang whooped as she sent an arc of lighting crackling into a Gnome cannon bunker. The bunker exploded, sending giant rocks hurtling out, squashing several of the attacking Horde flat. Phang laughed a laugh of pure joy.

“Ohh yes! Take that my little beardless dwarves! Doesn’t it just make your blood sing my little slug, to see your enemies fall before you? To see the havoc and chaos that war can bring?” She wriggled on her saddle, quite turned on by such violence.

Smee failed to share her joy. The dim memories of his past life seemed to indicate that he had had Gnomish friends. A consciousness tried to rise, but the aura of Phang’s magic was too close, and it soon sank back again into a dark pool of oblivion.

Another arc of white fire as Phang pointed at a rocky outcropping. The ensuing blast sent smoking Gnome bodies flying through the air. “Ooohh” Phang moaned, rubbing herself back and forth on the saddle.

A young Drow on horseback galloped up to Phang. “High Queen! High Queen! General Pow…” The messenger’s speech was cut short, mainly due to his head exploding. Phang had been enjoying herself, and had not taken kindly to the interruption.

A little while later another messenger approached, much more cautiously. Seeing Phang raise an eyebrow at him he moved a little closer. “Your Darkness, General Powers wishes to confer with you.” Phang nodded and the messenger retreated quickly, before any head defiling action could occur.

A short time later Smee slimed up to Powers horse. “General?” asked Phang.

General Powers saluted briefly and then gave his report. “Mistress of all things Evil. Our fight is going well, the Gnomes so far have merely been distracting us with small groups of fighters and some well placed cannon bunkers. However I have just had a report in from my scouts I thought you would wish to hear…”

“Proceed General” said Phang.

“The primary target, The City of Chundyer lies ahead. There appears to be no real force between us and it, though they are readying defenses. However, I have just received reports that a major army is to the East of us. It appears to be moving in an opposite direction, either to flank us or perhaps to attack the Fort. Another force, smaller but still quite large has been sighted to the west. I have no further information on them, so I don’t know if they are re-enforcements or fugitives fleeing from Chundyer, but they seem to have mages whoever they are, as they are blocking all scrying attempts.”

Phang leaned back on her slug and watched Muaddib sniffing at some horse droppings from Power’s mount for a minute. After the horse failed to kick it, she brought her attention to the problem at hand. She didn’t wish to split her army any further at the moment, yet the small force warranted some investigation. If the larger force was heading back to Cra-yon, well the fort could hold for a while at least, but she was rather wary about leaving it under siege for long. Finally the longer she held off the attack on Chundyer, the stronger the defenses would be when her army arrived.

Phang put a finger to her lips in thought. What should she do?