City of IF

[Chinaren]

Chapter 16 – Fire in the hole!

Cast (in no particular order):
Evil Homer as ‘The Paladin Hero’
Chainfire as Homer’s sword.
Araex as Homer’s steed.
Shanty as Captain Shanty.
Shady Stoat as The Twisted Witch.

DukeReg as Oaf Duke Reginald Percival Thunderking Harwobble the Fifth.
Key as the Magical Dignified Chamber Pot.
D-Lotus as the Elven special forces commander
Solomon Birch as a misguided AlbinoDrow.

Sorrow as a mysterious robed figure.
Idea Master as his wretched minion.
Mother goose as a hydroose
Sunbellina as Duke Reg’s little sister.

Ingrothechundyer as Ingro Chundyer the Gnome King.
Reiso as Gnome Prince Reiso
Cantolope as King of the Fairies
Author as Gnomish Wizard.

Phang as The Dark Mistress
Muaddib as a wheely thing.
Lord of the Night as an Evil Demon Warrior.
Powers That Be as General Powers ‘the perverted.’
Luvd and Mr Moochie as ‘The Ravens’
Smee as the Smee Slug.
Dean as the Dean the Head.
Ethereal Fauna as Ethereal Slug.

The Fallen – Lest we forget..
Jnmrcs as the High Commander
Hyperion as the Mage.
CowofDoom666 as The Cow of Doom

And introducing…
Dragon Fire as The Guardian.


Sunbellina.

Sunbellina awoke to find the world upside down and bouncing about. “What?!?” she exclaimed.

The world stopped bouncing and turned back the right way up again. Looking about she saw a hooded, cloaked character with a black space for his face. Next to him was a goose with many heads. She felt something and looked down. Holding her ankle was a dirty, scabby hand with long nails. Looking behind her she saw a wretch of a man, dressed in rags and with skin that looked a little like the surface of the moon.

“Who are you?” she asked.

The robed figure squatted down. “Hello little girl. My name is Sorrow. Didn’t your brother tell you about me?”

Sunbellina crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “My brother is not a big speaker Mr. Sorrow. And I don’t think I like you.”

Sorrow laughed the laugh grown up has when a child has said something rude, but they don’t want to appear angry or offended. “Ah, my dear. I can tell we are going to have a simply wonderful time together.”

“I don’t think so.” Said Sunbellina. “And who is that?” She pointed at Idea Master.

“I can speak you know” Idea Master rasped.

“Amazing.” Said Sunbellina deadpan. “Actually, I don’t think I want to know. My mummy and daddy always told me not to speak to strangers, and you two are very strange.”

Sorrow laughed again, though it appeared rather strained. “Young lady. You are going to help us find something. Won’t that be fun?”

Sunbellina stamped her little pink shoe. “Am not!” She felt for The Power and looked at the horrible scabby man hard.

Idea Master felt a tickle on his shoulder. It was a spider. Another one crawled over his hand, and another and another appeared. They popped up all over his body. Spiders! Yummy! He picked one after the other off and stuffed them into his mouth greedily.

Sorrow watched Idea Master as he picked at himself and opened and closed his mouth with every appearance of enjoying himself. “Stop it!” He cuffed Sunbellina around the head. Not very hard, but hard enough. “Leave Idea Master alone, he has enough problems as it is, and I warn you now: try none of your little magics on me young witch, you will be sorry.”

Sunbellina rubbed her head as Idea Master looked around in confusion. “My brother will get you.” She said, tears welling up. “Just you wait.”

Sorrow wrapped a thin silver cord around her neck and then stood up holding the other end like a leash. “It’s not very likely my dear. Now come along, we have a long way to go.” He walked off and tugged at the slim rope.

Sunbellina wailed as a searing pain ran through her body. “That’s what will happen if you displease me” said Sorrow. “Now get moving.”

He walked off with Sunbellina sniffling and stumbling after him. Behind them Idea Master gave one last puzzled look for the disappeared spiders and followed.

Homer.

Homer didn’t think for long. The sight of Duke Reg quietly sobbing on the floor, and the thought of what that poor little girl must be enduring brought a quick decision. He looked around for the Drow Scout.

“Solomon!” he called. The Albino looked up from tending the horses and walked towards Homer.

“How may I be of service my lord?” he asked, arm slapping across his chest in salute.

“One of our party has been abducted.” Said Homer. “I need you to ride out with Duke and, yes why not, take the Chamber pot as well to track her down.”

“The little girl?” The Drow sneered, an expression luckily missed by the Duke. “Why bother sir? We can pick one of those up at any village.”

Homer held onto his temper at such a callous view. He reminded himself that the Drow was one of Phang’s minions. “The girl has information that could be valuable,” he improvised, and then, to stay in character: “and don’t question my orders!”

The Elf saluted smartly and wheeled around to prepare.

Homer turned to the witch. “Perhaps you would accompany them Miss Stoat? You may be able to counter any magics Sorrow could conjure up.”

The witch leaned on a sturdy branch she had found somewhere. “I don’t think so this time Mr. Paladin. I will be needed to direct you to the Heart, which must remain our priority.”

Homer nodded, a little unhappily. He didn’t like the idea of Duke alone with the Drow. However, a figure stepped forth.

“Perhaps I could tag along with the Duke?” D-Lotus asked. I have some useful abilities, and the Drow is rather cute.”

Homer raised an eyebrow, but then nodded. Whatever D-Lotuses outlook on life, he was an intelligent elf, with good fighting skills. D-Lotus smiled and skipped off to gather his pack.

A little while later Duke, Key, Solomon on his horse, and D-Lotus gathered to bid a quiet farewell to Homer, Shanty and Stoat.

“Look after yourself Duke.” Said Homer, clasping the big mans hand.

“You too big shiny man.” Replied Duke Reg.

As Homer was saying farewell to the others, The Twisted Witch stepped up and gave D-Lotus a small orb. “This has limited power, but if you need to contact us, rub the orb and say the name of the person you wish to speak to. Remember! It doesn’t have a lot of energy, so use it wisely!”

D-Lotus nodded his thanks and put the small orb in his pouch.

The party said goodbye and then headed off into the night. It had been decided to start off right away, in a vague hope that Sorrow could be caught by surprise.

Homer watched them go for a minute and then turned back to the camp…

Solomon.

Solomon rode his horse up a small hill following Key as it ‘sniffed’ the little girls’ trail. The sun beat down and even with the protective medallion and magic that had been issued to all the Drow in Phang’s army, he still felt uncomfortable underneath its yellow glow. Still, he was on an important mission for Phang herself! He swelled with pride. The honors that would be placed on his name should he succeed would help his family gain status in the community. Admittedly, he still wasn’t sure what the mission was all about, but as a mere scout he was in no position to question his superiors.

The magical chamber pot seemed to have picked up the trail which still pointed west, down the hill towards a river. Solomon yawned, they had only had a brief stop in the early hours of the morning, and then turned back to meet the others.

D-Lotus was speaking in a quiet voice to the Duke when he galloped back to report. “Still straight west” he said. “There is a river heading that way, perhaps we could make use of it to travel a little faster.”

D-Lotus nodded and looked the Drow over in a strange manner. “Let’s get going then” he finally said.
“Maybe I could ride behind you on your magnificent stallion for a short while?”

Solomon shifted in the saddle uncomfortably. “Er, perhaps another time my lord, the beast is a little tired now.”

D-Lotus looked disappointed, but then rallied. “Ah well, let’s get moving then. Lead on my light dark friend.” And he spent the rest of the way up the hill admiring the Drow’s tight bottom.

Homer.

Morning found Homer, Shanty and Stoat heading North West, Homer leading Araex as the trained warhorse would not tolerate anyone but him to ride it.

“The way to the Black Heart would take us too long if we were to walk there.” Said the witch in response to a query by Homer. “In any case, the best access is through the Dread Portal, and there is a slight obstacle to get to that.”

Homer sighed. “No doubt some horrific guardian.”

Twisted Stoat chuckled. “Oh yes indeedy, well done Mr. Paladin, well done indeed. It’s a biggy too.”

Shanty frowned. “I fail to see what is funny about a horrible guardian creature.”

Twisted witch Stoat chuckled. “I placed the Guardian there my dear, many centuries ago. All one needs to do is drink a potion and persuade the guardian to let you pass.”

“And you have the potion of course.” Smiled Shanty.

The witch patted her bag. “Right here, never fear Captain.”

Shanty smiled in relief, but failed to see the witch’s slight expression of doubt about one ingredient of the potion. I mean, frogs eyes were nearly the same as newts’ eyes. Weren’t they?


Lord of the Night.

Lord of the Night had traveled nearly without stopping since leaving the witch’s cottage, only diverting to do one small task along the way. Being a demon he had little need for rest.

Now he was at the entrance of a large cave and he paused. Even a demon of great Evil (as he was) had to be cautious when it came to guardian creatures. He listened for a moment. Breathing, he was sure of it. Slow and steady it could almost be mistaken for the wind, if you didn’t know.

He reached down and his claw came up with a small vial, seemingly from nowhere. He frowned at it. He had followed the witch’s ingredients to the letter, but he wasn’t exactly a practiced potion maker. Ah well, he shrugged and knocked it back, smacking his lips as he did so. Those newt eyes really added to the flavor.

Tossing the vial away amongst the rocks, where it broke with a tinkle of glass, he stood straight and approached the cave entrance.

“Hello? Anyone home?” He asked, then dived quickly to one side as an enormous blast of magically heated flame roared into the spot he had just been standing in. A loud growling came after, shortly followed by a huge red head.

“Who disturbs my rest??!!” said the Dragon in a deafening voice.

Lord picked himself up and dusted himself down. “Hi there.” He said. “How are things with you? One magical creature to another and all that.”

The Dragon swung its head around, bringing finger length teeth within an arm’s reach of Lord’s face. It sniffed and then snorted. “Mmfff. The correct potion anyway. In a Demon no less. I have not seen any of your kind for some time. Not very tasty.” It licked its mouth with a black tongue the size of Lord’s arm.

Lord smiled a fang filled smile of his own. “Yes well. I am here to enter the Dread Portal.”

The Dragon sniffed. “I am only supposed to let those pass that have the permission of someone.”

“And who would that someone be?” asked Lord innocently. At least as innocently as a Demon could be anyway.

The Dragon would have frowned, had it the facial muscles to do so. “It’s been a long time. My memory isn’t what it used to be.”

Lord smiled. “Well then. That’s why I am here you see.”

“You are?” The dragon looked confused.

“Yes. To do the regular check. Surely the last, er, person notified you?”

The dragon managed to look confused.

“Don’t tell me he didn’t turn up?” Lord shook his head and tutted. “I don’t know, you can’t trust anyone these days.”

“Suppose so.” Said the dragon. “So why you here then?”

Lord sighed. “Regular Portal maintenance. These things degrade you know, have to be checked out, you know, oiled and what-not every few centuries. It wouldn’t be any good if someone came along needing to use it and the thing seized up now would it? Think how that would look.”

The dragon nodded its head. “Well… I suppose so.” It stood to one side. “Better go in then. Do you need any help?”

“There isn’t any activation words or anything is there? I only came on duty five years ago and they haven’t given me the paperwork yet. You know how it is.”

The dragon didn’t but nodded anyway, for the look of it. “No, no words. Just go up and step through.”

“Jolly good.” Said Lord. “I had better get on with it then. I have a haunted castle to inspect next week. Tight schedule.” He strolled into the cave with a nonchalance he didn’t feel. The dragon watched him go…

Sorrow and Sunbellina.

It was getting dark. Sorrow had walked west through the day remaining silent, not answering any of Sunbellina’s queries, and eventually she had given up and lapsed into silence. Idea Master had disappeared somewhere, though Sunbellina thought she detected his presence nearby from time to time.

Eventually they stopped, and Sorrow started a fire. He settled down and Sunbellina, in an attempt to gain more information had asked why he was like he was.

“I was a normal man once you know, many, many years ago” Sorrow said, surprising her by answering. “Then I fell in with a young sorceress. She was attractive and manipulative, and I thought I loved her.” He poked the fire for a moment, thinking back through the centuries. “Then one day she said she wanted to cast a spell on me. It would make me stronger or something. I can’t remember exactly what she said now. Like the gullible fool that I was I let her.”

He fell silent again.

“And?” Said Sunbellina, interested in this unexpected response.

“Her name was Phang.”

“Phang? The Dark and Evil Queen Phang?” Gasped Sunbellina.

Sorrow nodded. “Only then she wasn’t Queen Phang. And she still had some good in her. That’s what the spell was for you see. She had decided that Good interfered and inhibited her ambition. She wanted rid of it, so she cast a spell of transference on me.”

Sunbellina may have been young, but she was smart. “You mean she cast all of her Good into you?”

“All the compassion, kindness, morality, anything that makes a person good. I got it all. Of course, she also ‘gifted’ me with immortality. If I died she thought it would all go back to her you see.”

Sunbellina was confused. “But, you. Now you…”

“I am not super extra good you mean?” Sunbellina felt Sorrow smile in his dark shadow face. “I was at first you know. Sent me insane for decades. Finally something, I don’t know what, snapped me out of it. Anyway, Phang probably didn’t have much good in her to begin with, me neither if I am honest about it, and centuries of living with such a burden can twist you. Turn the good into bad.”

Sunbellina shook her head. “Oh no Mr. Sorrow. A Good person is a good person. Maybe you just didn’t try hard enough. Took the easy way out. Evil is so much easier.”

Sorrow snarled suddenly. “What do you know about it? You are 10! Get some sleep you little hag!” And he made a move towards the silver pain-rope.

Sunbellina looked at him a second and his hand hovered above the cord, but then she deliberately and slowly lay down to rest…

Homer.

Evening was falling by the time Stoat held up her hand in a motion for them to stop.

“Are we here?” asked Shanty. They were in a rocky area, on a rough path littered with rocks.

“Over there.” The witch motioned in a quiet voice towards a cave.

Homer and Shanty looked at it. “I assume the guardian is inside.” Said Homer. “Do we drink your potion now?” he asked the witch.

Stoat nodded and extracted three small vials of murky green liquid from her bag. “Knock it back,” she said handing them out and un-corking hers. “And, if I were you I would hold my nose whilst doing it” she took her own advice and threw the liquid down her neck.

Homer and Shanty did the same, gagging at the aftertaste. They were about to move on when Shanty saw something.

“What is it?” asked Homer.

Shanty stood up holding the remains of a small glass bottle. “Fresh.” She said. “Someone has passed this way recently.”

Stoat muttered a curse under her breath and walked forward. There was a roar and she would have been fried witch if Homer hadn’t have leapt forward and knocked her out of the way of the blast of flame that emanated from the cave.

The head of a huge red dragon appeared in the entrance. “Who dares approach?” it said.

“Fire! It is me! Witch Stoat!” Shouted Stoat from behind a boulder.

“Fire? You named a dragon Fire?” whispered Shanty.

Stoat ignored her. “Will you let us pass Fire?” she shouted at the dragon.

Fire sniffed deeply and another breath shriveled a nearby tree. “Something not right witch, you don’t smell right. I think you are an imposter!” A blast of heat past over the three and they scurried back down the path quickly.

“Damn! I guess frogs eyes aren’t any real substitute” muttered Stoat.

She turned to Homer. “My potion isn’t quite correct. Nearly but not quite.”

“So what are we to do?” asked Homer. “Fight it? It’s a big beast!”

“Maybe we could sneak past somehow.” Said Shanty.

“I could try and speak to it again.” Said the witch doubtfully.

The three turned as the sound of large footsteps could be heard coming from the cave.

Shanty looked worried. “Whatever we do, we better do it fast!”

>>>>>>>>>>

Okay then. A little longer than usual, about 3000 words, but a lot to get through. I had some trouble starting this chapter off, but once I got going it didn’t want to stop! Sorry if parts of it seemed a bit rushed.

So: The three need to get past Fire. Any ideas? Spill the beans people, spill the beans…

<<<<<<<<<<<

[Idea master]

Hum...Well...Frankly, I'm at a loss...
Mayhap the Witch could rehash old times with Fire. If that doesn't work, then surely she could enchant (or enchance) EvilHomer's natural abilities to where he could take the dragon on and live to tell it.
An excellent chapter as always, but you didn't explain my origin yet. I do so long for that part of the story.
And I claim first reply! Nyah.

[Chinaren]

Quote: An excellent chapter as always, but you didn't explain my origin yet.

Never fear! You will be explained!

[Key]

Hmm...how about the witch says to him, "Hey Fire, what has that witch Stoat done for you anyway, that you should spend all your days guarding this portal? Why not take a break, go flying, go eat a few princesses? What difference does it make to you if we get through the portal or not?"

[Shady Stoat]

How about - from the Twisty One:

"You idiot!" (to the dragon, of course) "Don't you remember? We agreed to change the ingredients of my potion because the last one made you sneeze? A lot of trouble I went to, and this is how you repay me? If you can't do your job properly, I'll have to find a new dragon. A less forgetful one, perhaps!"

That should play on the dragon's paranoia about his memory. And it probably sounds exactly like the old hag - she's bound to be cantankerous with him, she is with everyone else :D

Another highly imaginative chapter, Chin!

[Muaddib]

Quote: “Only then she wasn’t Queen Phang. And she still had some good in her. That’s what the spell was for you see. She had decided that Good interfered and inhibited her ambition. She wanted rid of it, so she cast a spell of transference on me.”

"There's still good in him Ben, I know it!"
"He is no longer a man only a machine."
"I can't fight him Ben, he's my father!"
"Then all hope is lost."
'Bzzzzzzzzzzz' lightsabers are ignited.

Im sorry for the randomness of that.

[Chinaren]

Muaddib wrote: Quote: “Only then she wasn’t Queen Phang. And she still had some good in her. That’s what the spell was for you see. She had decided that Good interfered and inhibited her ambition. She wanted rid of it, so she cast a spell of transference on me.”

"There's still good in him Ben, I know it!"
"He is no longer a man only a machine."
"I can't fight him Ben, he's my father!"
"Then all hope is lost."
'Bzzzzzzzzzzz' lightsabers are ignited.

Im sorry for the randomness of that.

LOL! Good one! :D

[Smee]

A great chapter. Good to get more detail about Sorrow.

I agree with getting Twisty to try talking again - fighting is always an option. Exhaust all talking attempts first.

I would go with the cantankerous approach first, and then Key's idea if it doesn't work.

Happy Writing. :)

[Muaddib]

Nice avatar China! That should wobble their cobbles.

[Chinaren]

Hehe. Thanks. It a bit rough, but I was bored. :D

[Shady Stoat]

Euwww! China, that's just wrong!! :lol:

[ethereal_fauna]

:rofl: Oh the laughter...it's painful. My sides hurt!!

[Chinaren]

I am going to do a collection and put them all up somewhere! :lol:

[Smee]

*clamps hands over mouth at work*

"must...not....react...in...any...way"


:-o

[ethereal_fauna]

It's Smauna...


*giggles*

[Shady Stoat]

ESmeereal?

[Chinaren]

Stoat! Put him down! :shock:

[ethereal_fauna]

ESmeereal_Smauna

[ethereal_fauna]

:-o Stoat! I never suspected...

[Shady Stoat]

ROFL!!!

God that is SO Monty Python! I seem to be enjoying more and more of those moments on IF lately ;)

(Of course it serves Ingro right - he never commented on my latest chapter of Best of Three :P )

[LordoftheNight]

i think they should retreat, and just not get poast the dragon at all, come back another time with the correct potion

or - if i was doing it from their persective i agree with whoever it was - i suspect stoat - who suggested berating the dragon for his lack of memory and forgetting that the potion had changed

NB - chinaren - frogs eyes are the same as newts eyes - i saw it on buffy

[dragon_fire372]

Yay, I'm in! Although I was really hoping I'd get to eat the demon... o-) Oh well, maybe next time.

Anyway, nice chapter, and I agree, the cantankerous approach seems appropriate considering how forgetful Fire is. Hoping for next chapter soon!

[Solomon Birch]

Chinaren wrote: "And he spent the rest of the way up the hill admiring the Drow’s tight bottom."

Hee hee ;)

Great chapter Chinaren, loved the dragon :lol:

Anyway, I agree with the Stoatster; that cantankerous (I love that word!) approach would be good. If all else fails, shove Homer our from behind the rock and let nature take its course..... :-D

[Chinaren]

Quote: shove Homer our from behind the rock and let nature take its course

LOL! :lol:

[Chinaren]

Alright then. Polls up.

[LordoftheNight]

went for the cankerous stoat

and thats the third time in a row i've just replied first to a new chapter or poll

[Chinaren]

You forgot to say you are winning! ;)

[LordoftheNight]

oh yes - i'm winning

[Smee]

We're all winning. ;)

[LordoftheNight]

w00t - go us

[Chinaren]

Well, looks like old Stoat need to start up the cantankerousness then.

I will start writing a new chapter soon, once I have taken stock of all the other stuff I have to write!! Meanwhile poll remains open!

[Dobs]

vited china! not loggedon for a long time but i am still reading this.

[Chinaren]

k, chapter 18 is up so locking this one down.