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Ravenwing



Joined: 18 May 2004
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:33 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1 Comments  

An interesting story. Don't see many stories focused on current events. I have always viewed writing as an outlet away from reality, but that is just me. :P

Like you said, Blake (the Mister just doesn't work here for me, so I am just calling him by his last name) seems to want a straight answer. And there doesn't seem to be much room for Mack to wheedle some more time to think about it.

Though one possibility other than the yes or no answer could be that he ask more for more information about this secret mission he is being offered. I think he would have enough sense to wonder what this new mission would be that it would need such drastic secrecy. That is my view on this.

Otherwise he is blindly agreeing to do something he has no clue about.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8809
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:07 pm    Post subject:  

Nice start.

Well, this is what he wanted isn't it?

Yes is the only answer I could see here.
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Shady Stoat



Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Posts: 2950
Location: England

Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:31 pm    Post subject:  

I agree. There's nothing he could offer his sister or his friends as a cripple - or so he believes. He would be a weight around their necks, not the person they once knew.

Better to cut all that out and make a fresh start. Say yes.
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Solomon Birch



Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 1562
Location: England..... but Japan beckons.....

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:11 am    Post subject:  

Good begginging Ravagerrr, bleak and unforgiving but well written and an interesting twist at the end.

The idea of living life as a crippled failure (at least in Mack's eyes) wouldn't appeal, even to me, so I think that he would readily accept. His desire was always to be in the army, and now he has a chance to be part of something special, secretive, which I think would appeal immensely. Sure, he's gonna mourn the loss of contact with his family, but that could leave open some interesting options for the future. :D

So I think he should accept, with few questions other than maybe
"Could I at least call my sister to say goodbye?".

Harrowing stuff. Great! :biggrin:

*holds breath* :shock:
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ethereal_fauna



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2567
Location: USA

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:56 am    Post subject:  

Great beginning.

I learned in the army, never volunteer for anything :biggrin: But I think our fellow is just a bit more gung-ho than I was. However, despite an obvious avenue to serve his country, I doubt that our fellow will be emotionally disposed to accept. He's lost his legs, he's lost his focus, and he's depressed. His initial reaction to everything is negative, and I've a feeling he'll just say, "Shove it up your ass."

Of course that'll make the story go in a very different direction than if he said yes. But not necessarily a bad direction. Perhaps more challenging for the author. ;)
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Araex
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:08 am    Post subject:  

Nice opening.

All the way through I've been thinking 'yes', but fauna brings up an interesting point. However - I'm still inclined to vote 'yes', as he seems to be depressed about everything except staying in the army. I think we should find out more, whilst thinking that we'll do it anyways.
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Ravenwing
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Joined: 18 May 2004
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:46 pm    Post subject:  

I am all for saying 'yes.' But I don't think our Macky-boy here is going to accept something without wanting to know more about what he is going into. Besides, becoming a cripple, wouldn't it leave him in some psychological trauma?? And now, it seems to have opened his eyes to the realities of war. So, I still think he will say 'yes,' but not without a little caution in mind.
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 7:25 pm    Post subject:  

Just wanted to express how thankful I am that I have an audience. Thanks guys/gals. I've returned the favor to some of you, and I intend to with all of you but time here is limited.

I realize that the decision point is a bit week right now and seems a bit weighted. I have things in mind for all suggested outcomes at this point. I'll post a poll tomorrow and allow voting and commentary to continue for 2-3 days before writing chapter 2.

I apologize also for a lack of a synopsis, but I'd like to keep y'all guessin' at this stage of things.

Ok, so I found this site this week and am hooked, line and sinker. S'been fun so far. Never really had a venue to seriously try writing stories, but have always wanted to. I've long been a roleplayer and agree with almost everything Key said in his site intro, with a few exceptions. This Storygaming thing is a great idea, one which may move the world someday. And we'll all be able to say we were there when it all began... thrilling.
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Chinaren
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Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8809
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 7:40 pm    Post subject:  

Well, welcome to IF Ravay! :D

Don't worry about lack of synopsis and stuff, and sometimes making a good d-point can be really tough. On occasions I have done a 'this way or that way?' one, other times it has been possible battle tactics, so rather more open. It's just the way the cookie crumbles!

Like the av btw!
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:16 pm    Post subject:  

Yeah, Raistlin rocks!
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Ravenwing
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Joined: 18 May 2004
Posts: 3750
Location: Virginia

Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:39 pm    Post subject:  

chinaren wrote: Well, welcome to IF Ravay! :D

Don't worry about lack of synopsis and stuff, and sometimes making a good d-point can be really tough. On occasions I have done a 'this way or that way?' one, other times it has been possible battle tactics, so rather more open. It's just the way the cookie crumbles!


*laughs* Now we have a Ravay and a Ravey. How confusing. ;)

Anyways china here is right. Don't really worry about the synopsis thing. We pretty lenient with the rules here. Synosises are just useful for readers, who may miss most of the story or want to catch up and don't want to go through the hassle of reading all the chapters beforehand.

And D-Points are always hard. Some just come along, some don't. The main thing is to keep writing. :cool:
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Araex
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:13 am    Post subject:  

Ah well, you'll just have to be content with plain old Rave - no 'y' for you!
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Smee
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Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:23 am    Post subject:  

Hey Ravagerrr :D

Good start, I read it a while ago, but forgot to comment :oops:

I agree with what others have said and look forward to finding out what this top secret mission is.

It's also fantastic to see you've enjoyed your stay in the city so far, and intend to stay around. I've seen some of your comments on quite a few other stories already and that's great too.

Happy Writing :)
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LordoftheNight
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Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 5270
Location: Hell

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 7:10 am    Post subject:  

I suspect he'd be saying yes, simply from how his mind-set works. I know that I'd rather be dead than crippled, and he seems to feel a similar way about himself.
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:55 am    Post subject:  

Ok, lets clear this up shall we, Raven? I've had this chat handle for some time now and it seems most boil my Ravagerrr down to Rav... which I suppose could still be confused with Ravenwing... hmph. Anyhoo, I figure I'll be calling you Rave and maybe it'll catch. I guess as it stands, you're Ravey and I'm Ravay? ugh. We'll have to work on this. :wall:
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Smee
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Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:36 am    Post subject:  

I usually call her Rave :)
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Ravagerrr
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:45 am    Post subject: Alright then let's vote  

:biggrin: Voting time. Although there seems to be a general concensus here, I'll run the vote anyhow.
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