City of IF

[JezSharp]

Prologue

“Report Luther,” cried out Captain Jones as he wrestled with the ships controls,


“Our engines are nearly out due to the storm we hit,” came the centaurs grave reply, barely audible above the distant sirens, jarring parts and franticly shouted orders. “We cannot make it much further, I have switched to using backup power for both of the engines.”

Jones tried to control the fear he felt inside, as he scanned the surrounding area for a place to land. It had just been a standard prison run to the outer rim, until the ship was hit by a freak, radiant blue, electric storm. They had been mercilessly battered off course by gusting solar winds, as jagged glowing spears crackled past and through their ship. Somehow they had survived, hurled clear of the raging tempest just in time, at the cost of severe damage to the ship.

After a few seconds search he suddenly picked up the signs of a newly formed mini – galaxy. Quickly he ordered the ship to head to the region on the little power that it had left. On closer inspection the galaxy contained a handful of planets, orbiting a single Sun, of which only a couple had the requirements for supporting life. He paused, it would almost be better to destroy everyone on board the ship than run the risk of letting her loose…No; he just couldn’t be responsible for the loss of so many lives. Speaking into his headset he called down to the ships control room,

“Sam, I need all available power switched from the orc and goblin cells to Cell A just before we land. I suggest that you order stun grenades to be thrown into their enclosures so that they won’t cause us any trouble when we land.” Sam replied affirmatively, carrying out her Captain’s orders to the book. Jones smiled grimly, turning to grip the controls of the ship. It wouldn’t be the prisoners that would be the main problem on landing, but rather remaining in one piece.

Gently the large grey prisoner ship nosed down towards the inevitable embrace of a small blue planet, unable to progress any further along its route…





Chapter 1: Every Good Story Begins With a First Step

The sun slowly crept up over the distant horizon, revealing the varied palette of green and yellow fields that stretched across the fertile floor below. In the far distance it was also melting the darkness, that had previously shrouded the distant grey mountains beyond. Standing on the top of the steep cliff that overlooked the vast valley floor, rose the sharply cut figure of an elf. His emerald eyes scoured the area before him, as his long blond hair rippled in the breeze, picking out the locations of several small human settlements dotted amongst the patchwork farmland.

Behind him lay the forested wood that he had just travelled through. The haven of trees, where he had lived for almost twenty-four years of his life. Slowly he took in deep breaths of the fresh morning air, as his mind wandered back to the time he had finally decided to leave the forest behind, something that was almost unheard of for an ordinary middle–class elf.

* * *

‘Why go?’ His father had said in an incredulous tone, when he informed him of his choice, ‘Haven’t you got everything you want here? A good job, peace, tranquillity…’

His own mind had raced over the answers to this question…yes he was comfortable here, had a good job, was well liked, but…‘Because I’m restless father,’ he replied, ‘I just cannot see myself living my life here day after day with no adventure and no excitement. I need to know what else lies out there in the world.’ Despite further protestations from his father and friends, he’d packed. Then a little over a week ago he had left the dancing waterfalls and sparkling streams far behind him. As he had walked to the edge of the elfin glade with his father, who was by now resigned to his going, he thought with some sadness at all he was leaving behind - yet knowing at the same time that he still intended to go on. At the very edge he stopped and turned to face his father one last time, but before he could speak his father did:

‘I know I can’t stop you leaving home, Elvendor, my precious son. Before you go however, I just want to give you some advice. Firstly whilst adventure is a fine and noble thing to seek, I want you to be aware that it also brings much pain and suffering. You’ll lose touch with all your friends here and may never see many of your other relatives or me again. Out there you’ll discover strange races that have many principles that do not hold with our own, encounter dangers and various problems from which you may never return or recover. Nonetheless, despite the foolhardy action you're taking, you will still leave with my blessing bestowed upon you. Secondly, remember above all else to stay true to yourself and the nature that surrounds you, for an elf’s strength is in his ability to understand Mother Nature’s secrets. Finally, as I have talked enough, remember that whatever happens to you in the future I’m still proud of you.’ With that his father briefly embraced him, before letting him go. Sadly watching as his only son turned, then took his first steps of departure into the ethereal forest glade, the foliage quickly hiding him from sight.

Elvendor continued walking straight on, not knowing where he was going - only knowing that deep inside he was driven by an urge for adventure. It was all he could do to avoid the tears that threatened to flow down his face, male elves who cried were frowned upon for not keeping their emotions in check. Repeatedly he pushed the face of his father from his mind to avoid the shame of shedding a scarring tear, quickly winding back his mind to when he was younger.

As far back as he could remember he'd always been different to the other elves. Perhaps, at least in part, because he'd never ever seen his mother. She'd apparently been the victim of an unfortunate accident, according to his father, who would then refuse to say any more - but his eyes gave away the indescribable pain and anguish that was bottled deep down within. With just him and his father left to look after their house, he had become domesticaly proficient. He'd learnt how to cook, clean and mend whilst at home, skills that could well be useful in the future.

All throughout his young elfin life he'd been liked by nearly everyone, without really forming a strong friendship with anyone. People would smile or perhaps call out, 'hi Elven', as he approached, before turning away to talk to someone else. Almost certainly, he had mused, because I preferred to be on my own a lot of the time - daydreaming and thinking whilst my group of 'friends' were somewhere else. As he had grown to adulthood, he had begun to realise that he missed having a strong friendship with anyone other than his father, so began to try and make an effort to socialise. Yet he had found it hard to suddenly adjust to the social scene that his friends had mastered, leaving him bitter and flustrated. Emotions suppressed within his quiet frame, never allowed to surface within the solomn elfin community, where any show of emotion was almost categorised as a sin. He'd become someone who was virtually invisible and insignificant, camoflaged amongst the frantic bustle of society around him. That, along with his inexplicable desire for adventuring, which he had harboured secretly since he was twelve, had been the main contributing factors to his heading off now. It was losing the old, where life ebbed rather than flowed, in exchange for the mystery and danger of travel. Surely a gamble that he couldn't lose...

* * *

Another gentle gust of early morning breeze temporarily diffused the slowly building heat, rustling the branches of the few oak trees behind him. Some of them had dared to venture within a few metres of the cliff edge, their roots tentatively testing the air as they poked out of the cliff face. His mind once again ran over the last words of his father. How could he have claimed to know so much about adventuring? Dismissing the thought from his mind he slowly slung the reed green rucksack from his back and withdrew from it a very long, thin and incredibly strong vine rope. Carefully he attached it to one of the stout oaken trunks that was squatting near the cliff edge. Checking the vine was taut he then nimbly slipped off the edge of the cliff and down the swaying vine.

* * *

In the sweltering mid–day heat, most of the residents in the small settlement of Timburton were taking a siesta indoors. Their small village lay near the foot of the rusty red cliff, nestled amongst the vast farming plains of the Eastern Downs. A small dusty track, boarded on both sides by a cracked and weathered wooden fence, ran from the village up to the cliff. There it ended with a couple of creaking, slightly dilapidated, light brown gates that opened out on to the golden fields either side. Playing on the earthy brown track, a little way from the cliff, was a twelve-year-old boy from the village. As he slowly bounced his pig-bladder ball upon the parched soil, sending small clouds of dust shooting into the air, a movement out of the corner of his eye arrested his attention.

Slowly strolling towards him and the rustic village beyond came the tall, upright, figure of an elf. He was dressed in loose light fabric, including trousers that almost completely covered his feet, and a light green short sleeved top. His whole outfit, from his worn sandals to his tri-pointed hat, was a varying mixture of forest greens. The sight of a travelling elf heading towards a human settlement would have been enough to unerve most adults let alone a child...The red ball had long stopped bouncing and rolled away into the long grass by the side of the track, when the elf finally reached the spot where the boy had been.

* * *

Striding off the weather beaten track and onto the cobbles of the small village, Elvendor looked around at the sight that greeted him. There were about twelve buildings grouped in a haphazard circle about the main cobbled plaza. Most were bungalows with black tarred timber frames, white walls and thatched roofs. Small rectangular windows were cut into the buildings, allowing currents of air to sweep through and dispel some of the late summer heat and stench filled air inside them. On the opposite side from where he had entered in, another track continued on into the distance. To the left of it sat the only two story building in the town. As well as being twice as high as the other buildings it was also much deeper, almost square shaped, the windows were larger with plain wooden shutters covering them and it had solid double doors, currently held fast. A faded blue sign was fixed above the doors that read, 'The Wheat and Barley', althougth he could not understand what that was meant to mean. Presumably, he guessed, it was the Village Hall, the thriving heart of the community. This observation was further supported by the sight of a large beer barrel, which hung from the left side of the building, rocking ever so slightly in the light breeze.

At the very centre of the settlement sat a large, smooth, cube shaped stone with a bronze plinth nailed onto the top of it. Curious, he strode into the middle of the completely silent arena and tried to read the plaque, but unsurprisingly, couldn’t make any sense of the human words elegantly engraved upon it.

Once again he looked up, his eyes swivelling round the houses that seemed to try and avoid his searching gaze. It’s too silent, he thought. Even the steady metallic ring, that had sounded out from the village as he approached, had ceased to exist. Now though he had more pressing concerns, the burning bright sun had just passed its zenith and his mouth felt dry, his skin was beginning to burn and he was starting to feel hungry.

He sat down on the large rock, trying to work out what to do. Feeling a bulge in his right pocket he withdrew a small, delicate looking object, shaped like a curved raindrop. It gleamed silver in the sunlight, with a small black button on the top rounded bit. There also appeared to be some small black holes patterned into the objects design. Pressing in the black button made the spine of the object silently light up a very bright green, giving him a mild shock. However it did nothing else other than that. Bemused he pressed the button again, turning the light off. Letting his mind wander back he realised with some surprise that his own father must have slipped it into his pocket during their embrace. But why keep it a secret from me until I had left? I guess he really didn’t want to be questioned on it…although it would have been helpful of him to tell me what it does he thought.

As he was replacing the object back into his pocket, a sudden ripple of noise from the Village Hall caught his attention, causing his head to jerk up. Slowly the wooden double doors swung open, revealing a group of seven dusty men, several of whom just happened to be carrying pitchforks - although one young lad wielded a double handed scythe. All moved forward warily, brushing off flies and their long scraggy hair from their glistened faces, wiping their sweat covered brows on their grimy sleeves.

The leader of the group, whose scruffy brown hair valiantly tried, but ultimately failed, to cover a face that looked remarkably like a muddy beetroot. Raising his left hand he brought the group to a halt several metres from Elvendor. Keeping the rather sharp and pointy end of the implement angled towards the elf, the man spoke in a rasping voice, interspersed with much coughing - brought about by lungs filled with dust. Unfortunately Elvendor understood very little human talk and certainly not such a heavily accented and cough damaged specimen of the stuff. He remained staring at the leading man with a fairly blank face.

It sounds like he’s asking a question...so I guess he’s asking why I am here, he reasoned, slowly rising to his feet and trying to figure out what to do.

I could attempt to ask for a drink, meal and place to stay for the night…but would they trust me or just wait until I’m asleep then rob and kill me? Is trying to explain my way through this too much of an effort considering I can’t speak their language? I could just leave this village and find a bigger more welcoming town further on…if there is such a thing as a welcoming human town, he added gloomily to himself.

All of these thoughts ran through the travellers head as he stood facing the waiting mob in front of him, what would he choose to do?

You can jump straight to Chapter 2: A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed here.

Or to the Elvendor Forum here.

[Chinaren]

Hurrah! A new writer!

First the 'bad' then: ~Prepares colored pens~ ;)

Quote: The sun slowly crept up over the distant horizon, revealing the varied palette of green and yellow fields that stretched across the fertile floor below and melting the darkness that had previously shrouded the distant grey mountains beyond. Standing on the top of the steep cliff that overlooked the vast valley floor below was the sharply cut figure of an elf. His emerald eyes scoured the area before him, as his long blond hair rippled in the breeze, picking out the locations of several small human settlements below.

This is rather long, could use breaking up.

Three 'below's in this paragraph, try and avoid
repetition.

Quote: Behind him lay the forested wood that he had travelled from

I dunno. Something doesn't seem right here. Maybe 'travelled through'?

Also in the second paragraph you use 'wood' three times. Again, try and vary the words. For wood: Forest, undergrowth, bush etc...

Quote: His own mind had raced over the answers to this question…yes he was comfortable here and he had many friends, but…

I think this should be on the next line.

Quote: nature that surrounds you, for an elf’s strength
Needs a comma here at least.

Quote: After all, to neglect the strength that makes you stand out in the wider world is as foolish as strangling a mother bear’s cub in front of her face, whilst unarmed and covered in slabs of fresh fish.

Again, rather long, needs a comma. There are quite a few other very long sentences in the rest of the chapter that could use breaking up some. Try and spot them! ;)

Quote: Presumably, he guessed, it was the Village Hall, the thriving heart of the community
Ha! Excellent line!


Apart from those, good opening chapter! Nice descriptions, good pace and interesting character with plenty of room for development.

I think his first priority is to establish communications. Basic start: Name. Point to himself and say his name. Then point to them. Next mime eating and drinking.

Once he has established those things he can see how it goes. If it looks a bit dodgy, leave and sleep outdoors somewhere.

Looking forward to the next chapter JS.

[JezSharp]

Thanks for the review chinaren, including the ream of corrections :) . I've gone through and edited most of them - I'll try and hunt down some of the other longer sentances and liberally sprinkle them with comma's soon as well.

[dinranwen]

Not bad. It lacks a cetain something however, a flavor undefineted but necessary. Characterization of all characters has been bland, dry, and inspid. Even the main character lacks any outstanding characteristics other than, 1.) He's an Elf and 2.) He's traveling somewhere, something that I take is not normal in this world at least. So far, this elf is just that, your run of the mill generic brand elf that you can find any where in your local character store as a second part character. Try to make your main character a personality of his own, a main character desires more than just the typical. Besides this I don't think I've saw the mention of this elf's name, even though he's the main character. Come on at least name the guy!

Next, I find that you started out with a great describtion. These kind of describitions are what made guys like Lloyd Alexander, Alexander Dumas, and if you didn't recongize those names, J.R. Tolkien great. Try to use more like that throughout the story. A great way to do this is to pretend that you trying to give directions to someone who's never been to a place, and never ever seen it on a map. However despite the brief, sparkling describiton, your introduction on the whole was to put it bluntly boring and dull. Spice things up a bit!

Finally, although this guy is traveling, he doesn't seem to know why or even where's he going. In fact, he understands little to no Human tongue. Not a very good thing when your traveling the world. Okay, I get that the guy's restless, but why? Is it some sort of destiny that's pulling him? Is it something that he's inherited from he's father? It would be interesting to know these things. Also, I think you should elf-guy a parnter to at very least translate what the rest of us crazy humans are saying.

As for the Dp: Attacking someone just because you can't understand them is not good policy. However it's plain that your elf isn't going to get the townspeople to understand him. Although finding another human town that's friendly unlikly, I think he should leave. If you don't want to do that, go for the whole transaltor thing. Have someone come up, explain to the townspeople how hasty they are being, work with the elf, then get out of there as quickly as two legs can take them.

Needs somework, but great start overall. Looking forward to the next chapter.

[Argonaut]

pretty interesting start, I'm intrigued by this seemingly electronic device. Do the elves understand technology? Is it magical? It seems like it must be important.

I say get away from these xenophobic farmers and try and find out what the mystery-thing does.

[JezSharp]

Ok, I've added a few short paragraphs after Elvendor leaves his father in the woods, to try and give him slightly more background/character. Character building is definately a skill that I need to work on.

On the positive side it seems like all the people that have posted so far quite liked it and are looking forward to the next chapter.

Ok, also now I've added in a picture too - although I'm not entirely sure if it works - if not let me know :).

I'm probably going to start the poll sometime on the afternoon of the 22nd - ending on afternoon Thursday 27th July.

Thanks again to all the people who have commented so far :cool:

Jez

[Muaddib]

Hey JezSharp a very good start indeed.The first thing I noticed was the attention to detail, the length was also good. I liked how the Elven father acts like any typical parent who has to deal with a troublesome teen, its a fresh new perspective.

I think Chinaren pointed out most of the errors, if I see something I'll get back to this.

Personally I feel his situation is a bit dangerous. The physical gestures of the men don't really indicate too much friendliness. I think he should try and indicate what he wants but stay alert and not try and get too comfortable.

[solus.serpen]

great start, jez. Looking forward to the next chapter :) .
As for DP, i like Muaddib and chinaren 's ideas, but another option is that he could get out of the town, but hide somewhere near and when its dusk, get back and see if he could pilfer any food or drink. Not exactly the honest way of things, but it'll do, and would be easier than risking talking to the barbarians.
If he is caught, he could always shoot the guy and run, nothings really lost there though, as he can find a new town somewhere. Besides, i guess he doesn't actually need to pilfer stuff. There is probably a stream or water source nearby (where the town get their water from...?) and he can always hunt, so long as he is not one of the types of elves that are herbivores.
hmm. well interesting, opened up some new ideas anyway.
not quite sure which one i'll go for though. Probably go away and think now, might find some more ideas! :) never know...

[Muaddib]

I voted to get some food and drink and then leave. We do need the food, and the proprietor would certainly not say no to business, but there's no reason to stay among this belligerent people at night.

[JezSharp]

Right the poll is now up and running - It will close in five days time (sometime on Thursday).

Jez :cool:

[solus.serpen]

Ok, well i'm not quite sure how this works i mean, (a) are you supposed to put yourself in his place and decide what you/he would do on the spur of the moment (i'm guessing he wouldn't just sit down and think for a while, with all the barbarians watching)?
or (b) are you supposed to look at the options, then think about which should be the best option for him, and vote on it?

going with (a), i think i would probably try to gesticulate what i want, and that i mean no harm. And if that didn't work, then go outside the village, wait, and come back to rob it later.

with (b), umm. not sure. probably go out of village and rob later. While he is out of the village and waiting for dark, he can always look at the device and see what it does anyway. And with the food, ok so he'll have to wait a bit, but at least he can be fairly sure it isn't poisoned because they won't be expecting him to take it, and they wouldn't go to all the trouble of poisoning all their food. I don't think he should just go look for another settlement, as he can't be sure how far away the next one will be, and i get the impression that food is a rather pressing matter. He could allways hunt, i suppose, but again, im not sure if that goes against any elven laws, his elven tribe seamed pretty strict so i wouldn't like to risk that.

Jez, can you tell us if they eat meat? or would that give too much away?

oh well, even if they do eat meat, i think i will stick with my earlier decision of pilfering. :D


(phew! sorry its so long) ;)

[JezSharp]

Ok that was quite an unexpected question...Yes they do eat meat, althougth they have certain laws about how the animal should be killed etc (e.g the animal must suffer minimal pain, must have lived to a certain age etc). Whilst not entirely happy about eating meat they did have the sense to realise that they need to eat meat to ensure a balanced diet - and so implemented the set of rules related to killing animals for food.

Jez :cool:

[solus.serpen]

Ok, thanks for that.
hmmm. I was just thinking that since they have to prepare their meat in a certain way...
...it kind-of rules out the asking for something to eat, sortof. because the people seem like the kind of people that eat poor meat. And Elvendor has no idea how they have prepared it, so he can't really eat it, according to laws (which can, i suppose, be broken... :( ). he could ask for non-meat food, but although it would probably work, he would have to go through his miming act again, and refusing to eat their meat may seem offensive and would not go down well on the social side of things. These people seem to get into tempers very easily (since they were all but attacking him on sight!...) and it wouldn't do very well to anger them again.

*(! :shock: ! sorry, i write too long! i can't help it... :( )*

;)

[JezSharp]

There are quite a few flaws with that train of thought solus.

Firstly Quote: And Elvendor has no idea how they have prepared it, so he can't really eat it, is not really correct. As the rules only apply to the killing and not the eating then if an animal is killed against the law elven law still allows the meat to be eaten as the animal is still dead - and nothing is going to change that (waste not want not philosophy) - althougth under elfin law the killer of the animal would be liable for punishment

Secondly this is a seperate culture away from his tribe so allowances would also probably be made by Elvendor for different practices - the law is after all really only amongst his own people (It's unlikely most other races would stick to them at all and he probably doesn't want to starve).

Thirdly asking for normal food probably wouldn't be a problem as most of the land is used for growing crops rather than herding animals so it's quite likely that they serve food other than meat.

Finally Quote: These people seem to get into tempers very easily (since they were all but attacking him on sight!...) and it wouldn't do very well to anger them again. - perhaps it isn't so much anger/ a temper/ rage etc. that are causing these people to attack the elf but rather the fear of something unusual and almost unknown.

Hopefully thats made the situation a bit clearer, thanks for the intial post solus :) even though I've spent most of this one attacking the ideas - it at least allowed me to clear some of the points up.

Jez :cool:

[Smee]

On the off-chance his father slipped in a device that would help with communication, I've voted to leave (making whatever gestures of peace he can) and work out how the device works.

A couple of points on the chapter.

Comma-like seems a very modern way of describing its shape, and rather un-elf-like. Perhaps raindrop? And/or compare it to the shape of a seed from a particular type of tree?

The other item that leapt out at me whilst reading was the red rubber ball. That sounds awfully manufactured :? Pig-bladder? lacquered wooden ball perhaps. Having the industry to collect and process the rubber enough to make a red rubber ball seems out of place unless you have big plans for industry in this world we haven't revealed yet.

Good start Jez and,

Happy Writing :)

[solus.serpen]

Ah Right, Ouch. :boxed:
...
Quote: elven law still allows the meat to be eaten as the animal is still dead - and nothing is going to change that (waste not want not philosophy) Quote: the law is after all really only amongst his own people
thanks for clearing up these points, i didn't know this so sorry about the arguments on that front.

i should have guessed:
Quote: most of the land is used for growing crops rather than herding animals due to: Quote: gates that opened out on to the golden fields either side. but thanks for that anyway ;)

well done, Jez...you win.

um, i think thats all i wanted to say...
i'll go vote now.

at least this opened up the background and new parts of the story a bit! :D

[JezSharp]

Thanks Smee and solus for your input - I've updated the couple of descriptions Smee suggested and been made to think some more about my main charcater/setting by solus :) .

Jez :cool:

[Shady Stoat]

Got here a little late to do any suggesting, but I like the first chapter, Jez. Nice start. :D

I've voted for 'just get food and drink', for now. Let's see what happens after that. Whether he gets attacked or welcomed or stared at as some sort of circus freak. Reasons to stay might appear, or he might be immensely relieved to move on. Only the author can reveal that one :)

[JezSharp]

The first poll has now closed, thanks to everyone who voted in it :cool:. Chapter 2 is almost complete and should be avaliable for viewing very, very soon.